


Magpie

by southdownsraph



Series: Magpie Universe [1]
Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Abuse, Alternate Universe - Human, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Attempted Murder, Bartender Aziraphale, Blood, Chronic Illness, Depression, Disability, Dissociation, Drama, Eating Disorders, Eventual Smut, Hurt/Comfort, Internalized Transphobia, Nonbinary Character, Other, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Panic Attacks, Past Abuse, Past Sexual Abuse, Past Underage, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Sex Work, Sexual Abuse, Slow Burn, Stripper Crowley, Trans Character, Transphobia, Violence, another fic of mine that will really make you hate Gabriel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-11
Updated: 2020-11-11
Packaged: 2021-02-28 18:56:16
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 46
Words: 236,410
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23102074
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/southdownsraph/pseuds/southdownsraph
Summary: Ezra has just been hired as a bartender at an underground LGBT nightclub to help supplement his income while he studies for his master’s, and he can’t help but become infatuated with one of the performers, an exotic dancer who goes by the name AJ.
Relationships: Anathema Device/Newton Pulsifer, Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens), Beelzebub/Dagon (Good Omens)
Series: Magpie Universe [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2011000
Comments: 1322
Kudos: 430
Collections: Good Omens Human AUs





	1. Chapter One

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! This is my new story Magpie! (Obviously)  
> Anyway, there are a couple footnotes in here, and I've also included a piece I commissioned from the lovely @micah_lat on twitter! Also the same username on instagram and her SFW account on twitter is @micahbuluhanart! Go check her stuff out, it's amazing and I'm so lucky to have gotten this commission!  
> Enjoy, let me know what you think - and remember, this is just a teaser until I finish uploading Like Real People Do over the coming weeks! It won't be too long though, I promise!

"Alright, so this is the bar, obviously. You'll be spending most of your time here. You've worked as a bartender before, correct?" 

Ezra nodded, trying to look interested, but his new manager, Michael, wasn't particularly good at making tours interesting. "Yeah, I'm familiar with mixing drinks and all that," he said, doing his best to sound enthusiastic, even after a long day of working on his dissertation. 

"Good. David will show you around the bar and everything in a minute, anyway," Michael went on, heading towards a door next to the stage. "I'll show you the performers' dressing room, we usually ask one of the barman on shift to bring bottles of water back at some point every night." 

Ezra shoved his hands in his pockets, following Michael through the door and down a short corridor with another door at the end. 

As he walked, he glanced around, looking at the paint peeling off the walls, the grime on the floor. But clubs and pubs were always like that, in his experience - all shiny and interesting in the front, and grimy in the back. And of course, they only looked shiny and interesting when it was dark. 

A little bit like his last job, he reflected. He liked working as a bartender, he was good at remembering drinks, and had picked up that flair that made a decent bartender good, as well as the fact that working nights didn’t interfere with his university classes or his internship. However, his last job had been at one of the other gay clubs in the city, and it had been shiny at the front and grimy at the back in both a literal and metaphorical sense. The owner had been a cis gay man, and Ezra had decided that he was quite out of touch with reality. When Ezra had faced transphobia from both his coworkers and the customers and tried to complain, the owner had laughed at him, and they’d ended up in a massive fight that had gotten him blacklisted from every other gay bar in not only the city, but the area.

Aside from this one. 

It wasn’t really just a gay bar, it was rather more underground than that, and not somewhere that Ezra would ever have imagined himself working. But there were drag shows and other transgender staff, even if there were also quite a few strippers, and it seemed like it was much more unlikely that he was going to have to deal with transphobic coworkers. And it paid well, which meant he wouldn’t have to work quite so many nights to make his rent. 

All in all, he decided as Michael pushed the door at the end of the corridor open, it didn’t seem like it was going to be a bad gig. 

As soon as the door was opened, Ezra was met with an explosion of colour and noise and clutter, completely derailing his train of thought. All the performers were chatting and laughing, some stretching, some putting on makeup, some getting dressed. There was brightly coloured fabric everywhere, the room a little too small for so many people and causing everything to spill over, cascading from hooks in the ceiling, over benches, hanging half out of lockers. 

But within all this loudness, something caught Ezra's eye. One of the performers wasn't chatting like everyone else, but was half turned away, shaking out their long red curls as they dressed. The curve of their back was obscenely perfect, those lithe, toned muscles showing under their tanned skin. Tattoos stood out in various places on their body, as well as the glimmer of piercings. And Ezra's eyes dragged downwards, taking in everything: that modest, but beautifully shaped backside, the gold snakeskin-pattern leggings shimmering, catching the light and accentuating their amazing legs. 

They looked up, golden eyes falling on Ezra, and he immediately blushed, swallowing hard. He wanted to stare, he wanted to just stand there and take in every little detail of the most beautiful person he'd ever seen, but he knew it would be intensely creepy. So he looked away, forcing himself to listen as Michael spoke. 

“Okay, girls! This is Ezra, he’s our new bartender! Ezra, this is..” 

Ezra’s attention drifted off again, his eyes trying to wander, trying to turn back to that stunning redhead, but he couldn’t let himself. The internal fight was raging, and he couldn’t take in anything Michael was saying, smiling politely while immediately forgetting every name except the last. 

“..and that’s Crowley,” Michael said finally, and Ezra half turned to see the redhead sitting on the bench with her legs crossed at the thighs, leaning over to buckle the straps on her six inch gold stilettos. “Say hi, Crowley,” Michael prompted, as if talking to a child. Crowley shot her a sour look, then turned her gaze to Ezra, a tiny smile showing as her eyes softened slightly. She didn’t say anything, but Michael didn’t seem to care, already pushing Ezra back towards the door.

"Come on, let's go back to David and he'll get you used to the bar," Michael announced, and Ezra began to turn reluctantly, forcing himself to rip his gaze away from the gold-bedecked beauty. 

He followed Michael back to the bar and forced himself to listen to David, to concentrate on what he was doing. But as the club began to fill up and he got used to where everything was, he was more and more able to operate on autopilot, his mind returning to Crowley and that glossy red hair. 

Ezra couldn't help it, he couldn't help thinking about running his fingers through those curls, his hand down that perfect back. But he didn't know why. 

The last time he’d experienced even a fraction of what he was feeling now, it hadn’t ended well. His last relationship hadn’t been awful, but there wasn’t much to say beyond that. It certainly hadn’t been good. And it wasn’t like he’d been in a rush to get into another one: it had been almost three years, after all. He hadn’t even really felt attraction for most of those three years, either, and the simple fact that he was now was making him feel more than a little confused, and even slightly nervous.

"Ezra! You're over pouring!" David snapped suddenly, looming over Ezra and making him jump. He focused back on what he was doing and sighed, nodding slightly. 

"Sorry, I got distracted. I'll fix it," he answered simply, and David nodded, flashing him a small smile. 

"It's a bit overwhelming the first shift, isn't it? There's a lot going on," he said, shocking Ezra with his sympathy. "Just be careful." 

"Yeah, thanks," Ezra nodded, flashing his own smile and finishing what he was doing just as the lights changed along with the music. He didn't recognise the track, but something about it made him smile as he served another drink and made change for a twenty. He looked up again just as Crowley stalked onto the stage, and nearly had a heart attack. 

Something about the way the dancer moved, so serpentine, so flowing, so easy, was intoxicating. He knew his mouth was hanging open slightly, but he just kept staring. That fiery red hair was even more stunning under the stage lights, the gold on Crowley's eyelids and clothing suddenly almost blinding with the endless sparkles.

She was wearing the gold leggings and heels that Ezra had seen her wearing in the dressing room, but had added what looked like several layers of long, almost tunic-like robes. The fabric was a deep black, covered in beads and sequins that caught the light beautifully when Crowley moved, and as Ezra watched, she began to dance, moving to the music as if the beat was driven by her heart. 

The music changed slightly and Crowley faced away from the crowd, pulling the robe down slowly, teasingly, letting it slip over her shoulders before dropping it entirely, causing it to pool on the floor behind her, accompanied by a rising cheer. She turned, the golden wrap dress underneath her robe catching the light, shimmering, making her seem as if she wasn’t quite human. 

She smiled and turned as the music rose again, moving in a way that really shouldn’t have looked so easy, so natural. It was as if she couldn’t stop, as if the music drove her on, rising and rising until she suddenly flung the dress aside with a flourish, the golden fabric arcing across the stage and crumpling to the side. Ezra felt breathless, watching as the cheer went up again and Crowley grinned, going straight back into the music, dancing as if it was second nature.

The last layer was a sheer gold slip, transparent enough to tease at her shape without revealing, and Ezra was physically incapable of looking away, watching as her muscles shifted under her skin, her body moving hypnotically, fluidly. She caught hold of the pole and twirled, then flung herself back into the dance, spinning, leaping, until she stopped, the music stopping with her, no longer driving her, but being led by her. 

She faced away from the crowd, leaning against the pole as she sank into a crouch, back arching up, her hands reaching above her as the music slowed, dramatic and atmospheric. Then the final slip was inched down her shoulders, revealing beautiful skin peppered with freckles, shining under the stage lights. Her shoulders were perfect, shaped in a way that drew Ezra’s eye in again and again, and as she let the slip fall further, the curve of her back on display, her slim waist, Ezra swallowed hard. Finally, the gold fabric fell away completely and she stood up slowly, rocking her weight from side to side slightly to show off her backside, covered by nothing but a pair of tight gold briefs. The music picked up again and Crowley turned sharply, stalking towards the crowd amid raucous cheering and the clinking of coins in her tip jar, but the sound was muffled for Ezra. 

He was staring in shock, his mouth open slightly. He felt bad for looking, but the slight guilt was very quickly overshadowed by a mass of emotions suddenly dropping into his stomach. Whatever Crowley’s gender was, it was quite obvious that she was AMAB*.  _ Very  _ obvious, in fact. 

Ezra swallowed, watching Crowley straighten up slowly, biting her lip and flicking her hair back. He couldn’t deny how it made him feel, even knowing, even with his eyes trying to drag themselves back down to the bulge in her tight briefs. 

But it did still confuse him, the confusion almost painful, almost too much. He was even less sure of how he felt now, he didn’t know what to think. 

After all, Ezra had always thought of himself as straight - well, he had thought of himself as a lesbian before, but that was beside the point - and had never been with anyone trans feminine. Not because he refused, but simply because the opportunity had never presented itself. 

There was simply too much to think about, and it was too loud, too busy, too much going on. He tried his best to put it out of his mind, taking a deep breath and forcing himself to just enjoy the dancing - which wasn’t actually too difficult, especially once Crowley caught hold of the pole. Ezra had thought all of the other performers had been good, some drag mixed in with the stripping and dancing, but seeing Crowley on the pole proved that she was in a league of her own. She just moved so fluidly, perfectly, every movement arcing through the air, purposeful. Ezra almost forgot that it was sexual, he almost forgot about the way Crowley's body rolled, the way her legs spread. It was just so enthralling, all of it. He could have watched the set forever, enjoying the sight of that beautiful person, almost as if she was on stage all for him, and him only. 

Crowley had skill, that much was obvious. It wasn't just stripping, it was  _ art, _ it was sensual and impossible to look away from, and Ezra had given up trying. He loved the way those red curls sparked gold as they flicked out, the way Crowley's skin shone under the light with a mix of glitter and sweat, her chest still heaving with effort and making Ezra feel a bit dizzy. 

"Yeah, everyone likes her best," David commented, making Ezra jump again. "Everyone calls her 'she' when she's on stage, and then relentlessly misgenders them afterwards. Always the way." 

“Them?” Ezra echoed, keeping his eyes fixed on the stage and that breathtaking figure. 

“Yeah, they’re AJ off stage and use they/them pronouns. I think they’re nonbinary, they don’t really talk about it too much, and I don’t think they use any more specific labels.” 

"They're stunning," Ezra said quietly, and David shrugged. 

"Not really my type. But yeah, they're attractive. A mess, though, and a massive diva. Even if I was at all interested, I wouldn't want to try." 

Ezra watched in awe as the set finished and a cheer went up. Crowley took a small bow and then stalked back off the stage, looking - there was no other word that Ezra could think of to fit - absolutely regal. 

Once they were gone, it was like a spell had broken, and Ezra blinked, shaking his head slightly before covering up his confusion by wiping the bar down. He threw himself into cleaning up and serving, forcing himself to concentrate and stop thinking about AJ. It wasn't particularly effective, but it did make him feel at least a little better. 

Until he looked up from serving a customer and found himself staring into already familiar golden eyes. AJ flashed a wan smile and leaned against the bar slightly, their chest showing through the transparent robe they'd slipped back on, their skin tone obvious where the fabric was pulled taut against the bar. "Hey, you're the new guy, right?" 

"Ezra," he answered hurriedly, forcing himself to at least try to act normal. "AJ, right?" He asked, and the dancer nodded, with a small, surprised smile. 

"Yeah. Can I get a coke, please?" 

"Of course," Ezra smiled, knowing his voice probably came out a bit strained. He filled a plastic cup with coke and set it on the bar, his heart thudding in his chest as AJ took it with a smile. When they reached out, Ezra noticed the fabric bracelet around their wrist, in the nonbinary flag colours.

"Thanks. Are you enjoying your first shift so far?" 

Ezra tore his gaze away from the bracelet, knowing that his cheeks were on fire and deciding to just ignore it, tilting his head slightly. "Yeah, it's good so far," he smiled, trying to sound casual. AJ nodded, then took a long sip from their glass and flicked their hair back behind their shoulder. 

"Good. I'll see you around."

"Yeah," Ezra managed to reply lamely, forcing his gaze not to flicker down as the dancer walked off, taking their cup with them. They vanished into the crowd and Ezra sighed, then hurried over to serve a customer who'd just walked up to the bar. 

* * *

Ezra left his first shift at the club that night incredibly confused. He was even glad for the bite to the wind, the freezing night air on his face as he walked. It kept him grounded, kept him from floating away into his memories and that beautiful body, the stunning skin, and those deep, entrancing golden eyes. 

He felt hurt, in an odd way. Not angry, not quite. After all, there wasn't anyone or anything to be angry at, it wasn't like he could be annoyed with AJ for being attractive. But he was upset that he found the dancer attractive. Even since his transition, Ezra hadn't felt attraction to a man - he thought about this for a moment and felt a bit ashamed of himself. After all, AJ very clearly wasn't a man. 

And Ezra wasn't opposed to trans feminine people being in his life, but he'd simply never had the opportunity. And he hadn't been with anyone who had a penis since- 

He broke that thought off there, wincing and nearly tripping on a crack in the pavement. He didn't want to think about that. But what was important was that that had been a good few years ago, when he was still a teenager. It wasn't even like he'd been attracted to him, either. 

Something about AJ was different, and it was gnawing at Ezra, making him feel jumpy and nervous. He saw someone with a masculine silhouette walking towards him and crossed the road quickly, hugging himself loosely in an unconscious gesture of self-comfort. 

He didn't like the uncertainty, that's what it was. 

Ezra had never been one to enjoy confusion or uncertainty. If something made him anxious, his usual reaction was to simply avoid it, but he could not stop thinking about those eyes. 

Ezra shook his head sharply, gritting his teeth in annoyance. He'd been sure for so many years, sure that he was straight. But now…

Growling to himself, he kicked a stone across the road, watching it skitter and sighing when it hit the curb on the other side and stopped. 

There were too many emotions right now, too much to think about. He wanted to go home, get straight into bed and just sleep. 

Sleep would make everything better. 

Maybe it would even be enough for him to forget. Forget about that lithe figure, the beautiful, shining curls- 

Ezra could have gone on all night, but he made a valiant effort to stop thinking about it, going through a mental list of things he needed to do when he got up, counting them off silently. 

Finally, he reached his front door, unlocking it quickly and slipping inside. He headed down the hall without turning the light on, slipping into his room. He was halfway through unbuttoning his black uniform shirt when there was a light knock at the door. 

"Come in," he called, sliding his belt out of the loops and sighing to himself. Anathema slipped in, and Ezra shrugged the shirt off his shoulders, tossing it onto his desk chair. 

"Hey. I'm really behind on work," she smiled simply, sounding rather stressed, but clearly trying to hide it. 

Ezra just chuckled, shaking his head slightly as he stripped his jeans off and tossed them over the chair. "I can tell, you're not usually awake at five in the morning," he pointed out, and she sighed, leaning in the doorway as he pulled his pajama shorts on. 

"How was your first shift?" 

Ezra hesitated, pulling a t-shirt on to give him time to think. Then he shrugged, sitting down on the edge of the bed and dragging his hands down his face. 

"The work itself was fine." 

"But?" Anathema prompted gently. 

Ezra looked up at her, then sighed and stared at the floor, trying to figure out how to phrase the intense mess of tangled thoughts fighting in his head. Anathema pushed off from the doorframe and moved over to sit beside Ezra, her hand finding his shoulder and squeezing gently. He sighed and leaned down, making sure his shorts were out of the way of his prosthesis so he could have something to do with his hands while he spoke. 

"There's this dancer," he began slowly, twisting the valve on his prosthesis and carefully pulling it away from his leg. "And um...they're amab, I'm pretty sure, but they use they pronouns, obviously, and present quite feminine. And.." he sighed, tugging the seals and liners from his leg and tossing them into a basket at the foot of the bed. "I don't know. I...I watched some of their set, and I...I couldn't look away. They're so...so stunning and interesting, and...I sound like an idiot," he mumbled, reaching for his moisturiser. Anathema handed it to him, shaking her head and causing her messy bun to wobble slightly. 

"No, you don't. Being attracted to people is normal, Ezra," she teased, but there was thoughtfulness in her expression, her tone gentler than usual. 

"Yeah, but not...not people with penises," Ezra muttered, then glanced at Anathema. "Not that...I'm not against the idea, I just...it feels different. And this AJ, I don't think they're a trans woman, I think they’re nonbinary." 

Anathema nodded slowly, looking down at her lap. "I know what you mean. But it doesn't...it doesn't really change anything. You're still straight, you're just...inclusive of nonbinary people, I guess." 

"Doesn't that make me at least bi?" Ezra asked shakily and Anathema leaned against his side, watching as he rubbed the moisturiser into his skin with trembling hands. 

"It makes you whatever you want to call yourself," Anathema soothed, reaching up to stroke his hair lightly. "Don't panic, Ez. Okay? It probably won't come to anything, anyway. And if it does, you can think about it more then. I think you should sleep, I think that's part of this. We both should." 

Ezra sighed and leaned into her touch, looking down at his lap. "Yeah, true. It'll probably pass, anyway," he added hopefully, and Anathema got up, ruffling his hair playfully. 

"Yeah, probably. Goodnight, dumbass," she grinned, and he just flipped her off with a smile, moving himself around carefully so he could lay down. 

"Goodnight." 

Anathema flicked the switch off and the door clicked shut behind her, plunging Ezra into darkness and the cold, deep pool of his thoughts. 

He did his best, but his mind's eye kept recalling those images over and over, images of AJ on stage, standing right in front of him. After a while, the thoughts blended into memories and then into dreams, and Ezra slept uneasily, his sense that something was wrong following him even into unconsciousness.

> [](https://imgur.com/GsMT9qS)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *if you're not familiar with terms from the transgender community, this stands for Assigned Male At Birth :)


	2. Chapter Two

The next night, Ezra did his best to throw himself into his work, doing a few little tricks of throwing things around and adding plenty of flair to his drink-making to impress the customers and ease his boredom. He didn't mind the work, but it wasn't particularly varied, and the music in the club seemed, to Ezra, as if it was the same five songs on a loop. 

At least he got to watch the performers later in the night, even if ‘watch’ mostly meant stealing glances in between serving. Some of the drag queens were particularly fun to see, and that night they had a performance by a drag king as well, just to add some extra interest to the show. 

In fact, Ezra had nearly forgotten all about AJ and his confusion right up until Michael came over to the bar and told him to take a case of water bottles backstage. 

He didn't even try to object, packing the refrigerated bottles into a tray used for sanitizing glasses and heading backstage. It was difficult to open the door, but he managed it, and was met with smiles and cheers from everyone changing. The room was as messy as always, and as soon as Ezra stepped inside, he was mobbed with people, all of them taking the bottles directly from the tray until he was left with just one. He glanced around and realised AJ was in the corner, clad only in a pair of sparkly red briefs, fiddling with some kind of lacy item. 

His heart thudding in his ears, Ezra took the last bottle and walked over slowly, clearing his throat awkwardly as he stood in front of the dancer. "Hey, you...you want some water?" 

AJ looked up, golden eyes widening in surprise, a slight smile tugging at one corner of their lips. If Ezra hadn't been so entirely focused on the way the light sparkled in those eyes or shone in their hair, he may have noticed how the other performers were pretending that watching AJ snub yet another new guy wasn't going to be the gossip of the night. Luckily, he didn't look away from AJ's face at all, simply too enthralled. 

"Thank you," AJ answered softly, reaching out. Ezra noticed the perfect golden nails and smiled to himself, just as their fingers brushed together. 

Ezra stopped breathing. 

AJ was _touching his hand._ And that confirmed it, for Ezra. In that small, gloomy part of his mind that wasn't overrun with infatuation, desire, and admiration - he was attracted to AJ, and it wasn't something he could just brush aside and pretend had never happened.

Ezra realised he'd been standing still for too long and flashed an awkward smile, cursing to himself silently as he felt his cheeks start to heat up. This close to the barely-clothed dancer, he could see all their piercings, gold shining on their nipples, belly button, and eyebrow as well as their nose and ears, and Ezra was very suddenly and rapidly discovering that he had a thing for piercings. 

AJ was still smiling, tilting their head slightly, amusement glimmering in their eyes as Ezra felt panic squeezing his throat. 

"Um...enjoy, I guess," he mumbled, and fled, trying to make it look as casual as possible as he scooped up the empty tray and hurried back towards the bar. 

Ezra busied himself immediately, restocking shelves, polishing glasses, anything he could find to keep his mind off the way his fingers burned. He could still feel AJ's touch, he could see those eyes in front of him, that smile. His hands shook as he struggled with his imagination, trying so hard to not let his mind wander. But he couldn't help it. 

He wanted to know how the skin on that smooth chest felt under his fingertips, he wanted to feel how soft AJ's lips were, he wanted to see that smile in its full, genuinely joyful glory. 

A familiar song jolted Ezra out of his thoughts, and he looked up, swallowing hard as that beautiful figure stalked onto the stage. 

AJ moved with a grace that didn't come naturally to even the most exceptional ballet dancers, their chin held high, an expression on their face that gave away nothing but peace. Ezra smiled to himself, leaning against the bar and just staring, watching as AJ turned slowly, spinning around the pole before lifting up, holding themself with their legs in the air with apparent ease, their back perfectly straight, elegance in every curve of their body. Unconsciously leaning closer, Ezra rested his chin in his hand, his elbow on the bar, the realisation stealing over him that AJ loved their job. Well, the dancing part of it, at least. 

They just looked so at ease on the stage, still smiling faintly even as they spun and rolled and sweated. There was red glitter not only peppered over their shoulders and chest, but also liberally applied to those long, loose curls, and Ezra's desire to run his fingers through that silky hair had escalated to something closer to a need. He felt almost physically incapable of looking away. 

The song ended and AJ hung upside down for a moment before dropping easily to the stage, a little twist allowing them to land on their feet with barely a sound, the next song starting just as they hit the floor. They smiled, the music escalating, turning up the 'sexy' dial as far as it would go as AJ walked towards the cheering crowd, running their hand over the front of their briefs to the accompaniment of the clink of coins dropping into their tip jar. 

Ezra stared, an odd combination of fear, anxiety, and desperate arousal preventing him from even considering the possibility of looking away. AJ dropped to their knees, hips rolling, and Ezra swallowed thickly, eyes wide. That beautiful head threw back, hair cascading everywhere, and Ezra suddenly tore his gaze away, cheeks flushing. 

It didn't feel right. 

He felt greasy, watching that, knowing how attracted he was to the dancer. After all, it wasn't like he was one of the nameless, faceless people in the crowd; he was AJ's coworker. He would see them practically every night, he would hand them more water bottles and see more of those little smiles. He couldn't watch...that. It would be creepy, his mind would wander, he'd start thinking inappropriate things. 

Ezra heaved a sigh and crouched down, starting to refill the fridge with shaky hands. Being attracted to someone was one thing, but objectifying them was completely different. Just because AJ was on stage, that didn't mean that Ezra had the right to throw their humanity out of his mind, and just the thought of it made him uncomfortable. 

"Ezra?" 

He looked up at David, who grinned down at him, gesturing for him to get up. "You're missing AJ." 

"Yeah, I um...I know," Ezra said quickly, wishing that he was just a little less prone to blushing. 

"I thought you were obsessed. Everyone usually is for at least a week or two," David teased, and Ezra rolled his eyes, getting up and kicking the fridge closed. 

"It's just attraction, not obsession," he answered simply, stepping forward to take a young woman's order. 

"Yeah, sure," David chuckled, following him and leaning back against the bar. Ezra looked up past him to see AJ on the pole again, this time minus the briefs and now in a ridiculously small jockstrap. It didn't take him long to figure out that some of the underwear was simply translucent, which answered the question of how it stayed on, but the effect was rather startling. 

Ezra managed to keep most of his mind on his work, however, and smiled at the woman, turning away to mix her drink. It didn't take him long, and she was soon walking away looking satisfied, so he leaned on the bar again, trying to seem casual as he watched the redhead. 

"Oh, the staff go out for drinks every Monday afternoon," David said suddenly, breaking through Ezra's thoughts and almost making him jump. "Don't get your hopes up, AJ is always...busy, but you'll get a chance to get to know everyone else." 

Something about the way David said 'busy' caught Ezra's attention, but before he could ask, a few more customers had wandered over and he and David both had to get back to serving. 

By the time the small crowd had dispersed a few songs later, AJ had finished, and Ezra wasn't sure if he was glad or disappointed, but he eventually settled on a mix of both. At least he didn't have to avoid looking at the stage anymore. 

After a few minutes, though, he caught a flash of familiar red in the crowd and watched as AJ walked towards the bar, now clad in fitted sweatpants and a loose hoodie, the crowd parting almost unconsciously in front of them. It was as if the people in the crowd were propelled by some unseen force, gently spun out of the way as the unchallenged monarch of the club made their way over to Ezra and sat down on the stool directly in front of him. 

Time came crashing back for Ezra, the music back to its usual volume, everything around AJ returning to normal speed. 

"What can I get you?" He smiled, knowing he was blushing yet again, but deciding that AJ was probably used to it. AJ leaned their chin in their hand, golden eyes slightly narrow. 

"What have you got that has fruit in it?" 

"Orange slices?" Ezra suggested dryly, unable to help himself and cursing his idiotic humor as he tried to fight off the slightly nervous goofy grin. 

To his shock, AJ laughed. 

"Don't give me that lip! I meant like juice!" 

And there it was. 

The smile that Ezra had been daydreaming about, wondering what it could be like, what AJ would look like lit up from the inside with joy and laughter. Of course, it was even better than he could have imagined, the dancer's teeth bright white and fully visible, their eyes crinkled slightly at the corners. Ezra could have stared at that expression all night. 

"Uh, I have um...well, most of it's for cocktails. But I have knockoff Ribena?" He smiled, struggling to keep himself under control and really wishing he didn't blush quite so easily. This close up, he could see the places where some of AJ's makeup had started to sweat off, and scattered over their cheeks and nose were beautiful, starry freckles. They barely showed through, and were difficult to see in the dim light of the club, but they were definitely there. 

"Sure, sounds refreshing," AJ answered, some of that smile dropping away, toning itself down as they glanced around the club. 

"You don't drink, then?" Ezra asked, grabbing a cup and the bottle from the fridge at his feet. 

"No," AJ said simply, their reply short, but their tone good-natured. "Don't like the taste...or the effects." 

"That's fair. I like the taste, but I don't like being drunk," Ezra agreed, nodding as he poured some of the squash into the cup, then topped it up with water. He handed it to AJ, and this time the dancer didn't wait for him to put it on the bar, instead taking it directly from his hand. Their fingers brushed again, and Ezra nearly swallowed his tongue, feeling as if he'd been electrocuted. AJ thanked him with a small smile, and Ezra expected them to just get up and head off like they had last night, but instead they remained seated, turning to watch the stage and sipping at their drink. 

Ezra leaned against the bar, his heart racing, his palms sweating. He wanted to say something, he wanted to come across as suave and flirty, maybe make AJ laugh again, maybe compliment them and make them feel good. But he was far too awkward for any of that. 

"I um...liked your set," he managed after a minute or two, and AJ turned back to look at him, a smile tugging at one corner of their lips. 

"Yeah? You watched it?" 

"Some of it," Ezra answered honestly, his cheeks on fire already. There was no way he was going to come across as suave when he was that red. "Mostly just the um...dancing parts." 

AJ tilted their head, their expression unreadable for a moment before they smiled. They opened their mouth to say something, just as Michael walked up behind them, one heavy hand landing on the dancer's thin shoulder. 

"I need you for something, Crowley," she growled, and AJ sighed, flashing Ezra one last smile before slipping off the stool and following Michael backstage. Ezra watched them go, annoyance biting at him, making his fingers curl. He wanted to keep talking, even if he did feel he was making a fool of himself, at least he was doing it right in front of that beautiful person. 

After a few moments of just staring, lost in his thoughts, Ezra sighed and turned away, busying himself with wiping down the bar. 

He couldn't help thinking about it for the rest of his shift. The dancer's smile kept floating up in his mind, their expression briefly so carefree and happy, their eyes full of nothing but enjoyment. It had felt like such a triumph, and even now, he felt a warmth in his chest, a pride that he'd made the most seemingly untouchable person in the club laugh. 

The triumph was tempered slightly by the knowledge that he'd been so awkward, though. He knew it was stupid to want to come across as something he wasn't, but it didn't seem like being himself was going to be anywhere near enough to get close to AJ. 

By the time Ezra headed home that night, he was still thinking about AJ's smile and those little finger brushes. He wanted so much more, but he tried to temper his expectations on the walk home, letting the cold air freeze a little reality into him. After all, AJ was undeniably the most attractive person he'd ever seen, let alone met, and it wasn't as if they were going to go with a heavy-set, plain, uninteresting trans guy. They could have anyone they wanted, so the last person they'd look to was Ezra. 

It wasn't self-deprecation, he told himself as he unlocked his door and slipped into the house. It was just being realistic, avoiding setting himself up for disappointment. He kicked his shoes off and headed down the hall, collapsing onto his bed and immediately wriggling his jeans off so he could remove his prosthesis. It only took a moment, and then his leg could finally breathe. It had been rubbing slightly during the latter part of his shift, so he washed it with some antiseptic and made sure to moisturise his skin afterwards. 

Once that was done, Ezra put a reminder in his phone to call his doctor and ask for a check on his prosthesis, then finished getting changed before sitting down at his desk. He didn't feel like sleeping yet, so he got his laptop out and began to work, managing to put AJ out of his mind long enough to finish his essay, throwing himself into the work so he didn't have to think. It was a welcome relief from the confusion and all those other mixed emotions, and by the time he went to bed, he was tired enough to fall asleep easily, no longer occupied with too much overthinking.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone!  
> As promised, I posted the last chapter of LRPD yesterday, so here's the second chapter of Magpie!  
> I think for now I'm going to aim to update this story about once a week, as I still have quite a bit of editing to do on the chapters I already have written.  
> If you've come over here from LRPD and you left a comment I haven't replied to yet, I promise I will! Today has been a bit hectic for me, so I'm going to aim to get through my messages tomorrow! <3<3  
> Anyway, I hope you all enjoyed this chapter!  
> <3<3<3


	3. Chapter Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains: injury detail, blood.  
> If any warnings ever worry you, feel free to message me - check my bio for contacts! ♡

The next shift Ezra had was a closing shift. He didn't mind too much, but he had to admit he was a little disappointed when he realised that AJ wasn't working. 

He spent his shift wishing that something more interesting could happen, so he could stop his mind from wandering to thoughts of chatting with AJ, their golden eyes fixed on him, their fingers brushing his. 

The club seemed to empty out quite early, and David had to rush off for something, so Ezra was left to tidy on his own, putting all the glasses away and wiping everything down. He was just cleaning the taps when movement caught his eye and he looked up sharply. 

AJ was walking onto the stage, their hair up in a slightly messy bun, a tight sports bra covering a good portion of their flat chest, and a pair of plain black briefs covering everything else. They looked different, and it took Ezra a moment or two to realise that they weren't wearing any makeup. They wandered across the stage, flicking the lights on, and Ezra froze. 

With the stage lights no longer nightclub-dim, the bruises were obvious. Scattered across AJ's skin, some dark and vicious, some old and faded, they mottled that lovely chest, back, even their legs. A few looked like bite marks, and the thought made Ezra sick. 

What concerned him the most, however, was the inexpert bandage, wrapped around AJ's forearm and made out of what looked like a scrap of cloth. Blood had soaked through it and then dried an angry reddish-brown, and when Ezra looked closer, he could see scrapes on the dancer's elbows and knees as well. 

His heart beat a little faster in his chest, his hands shaking as he finished cleaning, keeping an eye on AJ. They'd put one wireless earbud in and were now spinning gracefully, so he didn't disrupt their practice, but kept an eye on them while he worked. Once the cleaning was done, he sorted out the cash register, the bottles on the shelves, and did the inventory. Then, despite the fact that it wasn't really his job, he swept up around the bar and began to tidy one of the private rooms. They were all small and definitely not to his taste, with a pole in each one, along with a handful of plush chairs. He'd seen dancers walking into them a few times, but he hadn't yet seen AJ followed into one. 

Sighing to himself, Ezra wiped down the little tables, disinfected the pole, and headed back out to find AJ still practicing. 

He smiled to himself and watched for a moment or two, enjoying how in their own world the dancer was. They spun upside down right at the top of the pole, holding themself in place with their thighs, hung for a moment, and then dropped like a bird falling out of the sky. Ezra couldn’t help himself from crying out in shock, even as AJ caught themself right before hitting the ground. They righted themself gracefully and glanced up in confusion, clearly having thought they were alone, and Ezra immediately turned away, scurrying off into the next room. His heart still hammering in his chest and his cheeks on fire with embarrassment, he worked a little harder this time, spending more time cleaning, his mind occupied with thoughts of AJ’s skill and beauty. In fact, he spent so long cleaning, that by the time he finally left the room, the stage was dark. 

Ezra winced, grabbed a new cloth, and hurried into the dressing room, on the pretence of cleaning. To his relief, AJ was still there, pulling on a pair of sweats with a blank, detached expression. Ezra swallowed hard, nerves writhing in his stomach, then stepped forward slowly, clearing his throat. AJ jumped and turned around, flashing a slightly sheepish smile. 

"Oh. Hey, everything okay?" 

"Well, yeah, except for you," Ezra pointed out gently, with a soft, awkward laugh. AJ looked taken aback, so he rushed on quickly, not wanting to seem rude. "I mean, I noticed that bandage, it looks...it looks sore. I um...I have a lot of first aid experience, maybe I could take a look?" 

AJ blinked, then swallowed and smiled nervously. “That’s a really nice offer, but I...I wouldn’t want to-” 

“It’s fine, really,” Ezra said quickly, shaking his head. “I know where the first aid kit is and everything, it won’t take me long. And I’m not in any rush.” 

AJ glanced around, looking uncertain, their usually cool, calm manner dissolving into anxiety. “Um...sure. I’m...I’m fine, though, I’m managing.”

Ezra nodded sympathetically, half turning away. “I’m sure you are,” he soothed, his hand on the doorframe briefly. “I’ll be right back, maybe sit down.” 

Ezra hesitated for only a moment, then hurried away to the bar, opening a cabinet and pulling out the first aid kit. He fumbled and nearly dropped it, his hands shaking slightly with the adrenaline of such an intense interaction with AJ. He wanted to help, he was desperate to make it better. He'd seen similar bruises in the mirror, after all. 

Ezra hurried back to the dressing room, finding AJ sitting on the bench, tucking their phone away as soon as they saw Ezra. 

"Hey," Ezra said softly, sitting beside them awkwardly and unzipping the first aid kit on his lap. "Is it just that arm that's bad?" 

"Yeah," AJ mumbled, all of their confident facade slipping away. 

"Alright, hon," Ezra smiled, setting the kit beside him and getting up. He went over to the tiny sink in the corner and washed his hands, then went back to AJ, dragging a stool over to them with his foot and sitting down in front of them. He reached out, then hesitated. "Do you mind if I touch your upper body? I just...some of some bruises look like I should check if anything's broken." 

"Oh, um...yeah, that's fine," AJ said softly, and Ezra was shocked to see that they were blushing slightly, just a touch of colour on their cheeks. He leaned forward and gently began to feel around their ribs, ignoring the little thrill in his chest when he felt that warm, smooth skin under his fingers. Swallowing hard, he forced himself to focus, checking each bruise, gently pressing down and listening to AJ's little hiss of pain. Nothing seemed to be wrong, so he sat back, rooting around in the first aid kit until he found the antiseptic cream and carefully spread some over the grazes on their elbows, completely engrossed in what he was doing. Then he gently pulled AJ's arm into his lap, very, very carefully starting to peel the bandage back. AJ hissed again, jerking slightly, and Ezra sighed softly. 

"It's a bit stuck," he mumbled, biting his lip lightly. "I'm sorry, hon. Deep breaths." 

Ezra leaned in towards AJ's arm, continuing to peel slowly and carefully, wincing as some of the scab went with the bandage. 

"Sorry, sorry," he muttered, gritting his teeth as he gently turned AJ's arm to catch the light better. "Fuck, this is infected, there's like...there's stuff in there," he gasped, and felt AJ's fingers curl in his sleeve, clinging on gently. 

"I...I fell in the road," AJ groaned softly, and Ezra nodded, letting out a quiet sigh. 

"Yeah, there's some grit, I think. I'm going to need to scrub away the dried blood and get the debris out," he said quietly, and AJ winced, their grip on Ezra's sleeve tightening slightly. 

"Okay," they mumbled, and Ezra gently placed their arm back in their lap. 

"I'm going to get a cloth and some warm soapy water, okay? And a towel," he announced, and AJ nodded, flashing him a pained smile. 

Ezra hesitated again, not wanting to leave AJ, but slipped out anyway, hurrying off. He found a bowl and filled it with soapy warm water, then threw a tea towel over his shoulder, grabbed a cloth, and hurried back to AJ. 

They were waiting patiently, so Ezra sat down, laying the towel in their lap under their arm. He leaned over carefully, their knees touching together, then dipped the cloth and began to scrub carefully. AJ gasped, jerking slightly, but Ezra hummed soothingly, holding their arm carefully and stroking his thumb over their skin. 

"It's alright, hon. I've got you," Ezra murmured, wincing as he dipped the cloth and went back in, feeling slightly triumphant when he realised he was getting some of the grit out. 

And then the blood started to well up, hot and red, beading on top of that raw skin, and AJ tried to jerk away. 

"It's alright," Ezra said quietly, but AJ was already starting to panic, chest heaving as they struggled against his grip, and Ezra looked up sharply, suddenly worried. 

"Hey, it's okay. Just close your eyes," he murmured, assuming AJ just didn't like the sight of blood. AJ did as they were told, but continued to shake, hissing and jerking when Ezra went back to cleaning the wound. 

"I-It's dirty!" They forced out through gritted teeth, and Ezra looked up again, noticing the way AJ relaxed slightly when he stopped. 

"I...I washed my hands," he said quietly, puzzled, but shook his head slightly and looked in the first aid kit. "There's gloves in here, would that make you feel better?"

Golden eyes opened wide and AJ nodded quickly, relief written all over their expression. "Y-yeah, please!" They gasped, and Ezra just nodded, setting the cloth down and tugging the gloves on quickly. AJ flashed him a shaky, embarrassed smile, and he just returned the gesture calmly, trying to keep them relaxed. 

"Better?" 

"Much," AJ mumbled, and Ezra nodded, smiling a little wider before going back to cleaning carefully. Once all the dried blood was gone, he gently took AJ over to the sink and poured some of the water over their arm, rinsing away most of the debris. Then he helped them sit down again and found the tweezers in the first aid kit. 

"Here, hold my phone with the flashlight on," Ezra hummed, handing his phone over and bending down. AJ held the phone in their shaking hand, taking deep, slow breaths, wincing and hissing occasionally while Ezra removed the last of the grit. 

"There, all done," he announced in a bright voice, patting the wound dry before smoothing antiseptic over it. Then he tore open a sterile pad and placed it over the wound, finally wrapping gauze to keep the pad in place. "Just make sure to keep it clean, change this once a day, okay?" 

AJ nodded, and Ezra looked up, realising they were staring at him, eyes soft, a slight smile on their face. As soon as their eyes met, AJ looked away, and Ezra swallowed, hope swelling in his chest briefly. He stamped it out quickly, however, clearing his throat awkwardly as he sat back, only now realising how small the dressing room was, how intimate it was being so close to AJ, caring for them. He tugged the gloves off and binned them along with the old bandage, then turned back to the dancer. 

"Look, um...there's this place I can give you the address of that like...they help people in abusive relationships. I...if you need any help, you know?" He said quietly, nervously, slipping his wallet out of his pocket and tugging a small card out of it. "I have a card, actually. Here." 

AJ took the card delicately, looking completely shocked. "Um...thanks," they mumbled, and Ezra stood up suddenly, quickly moving the stool back to where he'd found it and gathering up the first aid kit with shaky hands. 

"Um...do you need anything else?" He asked softly, and AJ looked up, biting their lip lightly as they shook their head, golden eyes as beautiful as ever. 

"No, I um...I'm okay, thanks. Thank you for your help." 

Ezra nodded, not quite feeling ready to leave yet, to acknowledge that the moment was well and truly over. “Are you okay if I go home?” 

Once again, there was a brief startled look on AJ’s face, then a shy smile, and they stood up slowly, running their hand up the bandage on their arm unconsciously. “Yeah, go. I’m leaving now, anyway. I’ll lock the stage door behind me.” 

Ezra smiled, then couldn’t help himself, his heart beating heavy in his chest, thudding in his ears as he reached out and very lightly took AJ’s hand, giving it the gentlest of squeezes. “I’m glad you’re okay.”

And then he fled, before AJ could say anything, before he could feel the sting of rejection, his heart still racing as he put the first aid kit back, grabbed his things, and locked up on his way out, his hands trembling. 

Then he took a deep breath at last, and let his shoulders sag before he started walking. Now that the anxiety was starting to ebb away, Ezra was finally able to really think about what had just happened. About those soft smiles, about the way AJ hadn’t pulled their hand away. He was trying his best not to let his mind wander, telling himself that he was just being arrogant and stupid, that there was no way anything would ever be able to happen, but the thoughts kept coming. Despite it all, though, he felt happy. He felt like he’d made a meaningful connection with AJ, and they’d definitely shared a moment, even if it was just a friendly one. 

Worry niggled at him under the happiness, worry that AJ wasn’t as okay as they insisted, but he did his best to brush it aside. It wasn’t really his business, after all, and he didn’t want to overstep a boundary. 

But when he finally got home and into bed, curling up under the covers, he couldn’t help but imagine red hair on the pillow next to him, a warm body wrapped safe in his arms. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys!  
> Happy Good Omens anniversary!  
> I thought I'd update a little early in celebration, so thanks goes to my lovely editor who didn't mind me changing plans last minute and helped me get it ready!  
> I hope you're all doing as well as you can at the moment and staying safe and well!  
> ♡♡♡


	4. Chapter Four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains: sexual content, mild dissociation, strong language/insults.

AJ slipped through the stage door, smiling as they were met with a chorus of greetings. They weren’t particularly friendly with any of their coworkers, at least not in the sense that they were friends. But they did their best to always be polite and smile when spoken to. After all, it was hard for people outside of the club or the profession at large to really understand what they did or accept them, so it was definitely counter-productive to push those people away. 

They leaned back against their locker, letting out a soft sigh to decompress from the stress of traffic, and opened their eyes to see Bea standing in front of them. 

“You’re on shift?” AJ asked, confused, and Bea shrugged. 

“Yeah, Michael asked me to slot in last minute,” she answered simply, then held out a small envelope. “I found this in the flat before I left, it was wedged under the plant outside the door. I don’t know what it is, but it’s addressed to you.” 

AJ nodded, taking it with a quiet ‘thank you,’ then looking down at it as Bea walked away. They winced at the sight of their birth name printed on the envelope and opened their locker quickly, shoving the letter right to the back where no one else would be able to see it. After taking a moment to breathe, they started to take their costume out and changed into it slowly, half turned away from the rest of the room. 

Most of the other performers just didn’t care: they would get fully naked in front of anyone, but AJ still couldn’t stand it. At least, not out of the context of their work. Work was different, it always had been, but being naked in any other setting wasn’t something they’d ever been comfortable with. 

They slipped their leggings on first, then began to put on the layers of robes, finally sitting down to buckle their shoes. 

“Who’s on shift at the bar tonight?” 

AJ looked up, tuning in to a conversation across the room with curiosity they could barely admit to themselves. It was hard to hear over the chatter of the other performers and the muffled music in the background, but they could just about make out the conversation between the two drag queens in the corner. 

“I think David and that new guy again.” 

“Ezra? Oh, I think he’s kind of cute.” 

Feeling the flush starting in their cheeks, their throat tightening, AJ quickly looked down, busying themself with their shoes. 

“Are you blind?” 

Anger flared, but AJ squashed it, standing up abruptly and going back to their locker to start on their makeup. They forced themself not to listen to the rest of the conversation, instead focusing on getting their eyeliner perfectly even, the gold sparkles sprinkled across their cheeks just right to catch the lights on stage. 

Once they were done, they slipped through the door and up onto the side of the stage, leaning against the wall to watch Bea’s set - or, rather, Beelzebub, as he was known on stage.

The whiteboard on the wall next to AJ indicated that they were next, so they settled in to wait, stretching a few more times while Beelzebub danced. He was good, and AJ liked his drag king act, but, although they’d never admit it to him, they often found it a bit flat. It was generally quite short and not particularly sexual, more of a palate cleanser in between some of the more seductive acts, like AJ’s. If they were being brutally honest, most of the talent for Beelzebub’s act lay in the costuming and makeup, and AJ themself had sewn most of his costume. 

It wasn’t long until Beelzebub waved to the crowd and hurried backstage, flashing his flatmate a smile on the way. AJ nodded to him, then took a deep, slow breath, and stepped out. 

They loved performing. Dancing had always been a part of their life since they were young, a love that was never forgotten, and simply being on stage and losing themself in the music was their favourite feeling. The audience didn’t matter, they barely heard the cheering, only focusing on the music and the way their body felt as they moved. 

The sets were fairly simple and easy to remember, and AJ found they didn’t need to think much about it, just enjoying until they stood and bowed, chest heaving. Cheering was easy to hear once they were done, along with the jingle of coins in the tip jar, and they smiled, stepping off the stage and into the crowd. This was a time they usually fished for private dances, all of the performers who offered them would hang around in the crowd after sets to try to snag some extra cash, but that night, AJ had other priorities. 

AJ was staring fixedly at the bar, moving towards it, strides purposeful and fluid, but a hand caught their arm, money shoved under their nose. They stopped dead and looked at the man, jaw tightening. He wasn’t dressed for a gay club at all, wearing a stupid shirt and tie along with navy slacks, but even in the dim light, AJ could recognise a fifty pound note when it was a few inches from their face. 

The man smiled hopefully and AJ raised an eyebrow, then glanced towards the bar, glad to see that Ezra had turned away, fiddling with one of the bottles. Before he could turn around again, they grabbed the man’s hand and towed him into the nearest private room, drawing the curtain hurriedly. 

Then they took a breath and forced their friendliest client smile, turning slowly and trailing their fingertips down the man’s sweaty chest. “What can I get you today?” They purred, noticing the way the man eyed them up, lust in his eyes. 

“How much is a lap dance?” 

AJ thought for a moment, barely missing a beat as they thought about that fifty pound note, the expensive suit, and the apparent fact that this man had never been to an underground strip club before. “A hundred pounds plus tip,” they answered smoothly, and the man nodded, apparently accepting this outrageous price without question, getting his wallet out and handing over two fifties and a twenty. AJ tucked these away quickly, a slight thrill in their chest. A good price for a lap dance at the club was usually around twenty quid, let alone a hundred and twenty, but this man was clearly gullible and rich, and AJ had bills to pay. 

They flashed a somewhat brighter smile, eased by the crinkling of paper in their underwear. 

“Take a seat,” they hummed, then turned away and picked a song from the cheap MP3 player in the corner. It was hooked up to a shitty speaker system in the room, but it was at least slightly better than the muffled music from the main club. 

This wasn’t a part of the job that AJ particularly enjoyed, but they had to admit that they were good at it. They could so easily switch off and allow their body to work on automatic, and still get a few extra notes shoved into their underwear before they’d finished, and that night was no exception. After a few seconds, their mind wandered to the bar, to that messy blond hair, those soft blue eyes. They thought about the night before, about those gentle touches, the light squeeze on their hand that had left them speechless. They’d wanted to run after him, to gently pull him back, but something had stopped them, and despite spending most of the time they were supposed to be sleeping worrying about it, they weren’t yet able to figure out what. 

The man’s hands suddenly wandered, squeezing AJ front and back, and they were rudely jerked out of their thoughts, annoyance flaring. 

“Hey! That’s extra!” They snapped immediately, and the man grinned, pulling out his wallet again and showing AJ what had to be hundreds of pounds in cash. 

“I came prepared. Is there any way I can get something a little...more?”

AJ forced a smile and nodded, flicking their hair back in a well-practiced flirty move. “Of course, it would be my pleasure.” 

“Well, I know that,” the man joked, and AJ gritted their teeth briefly, apparently not quite in the mood for arrogance. At least they worked at a club seedy enough to allow this, most places would ban performers from picking up clients within their walls, and AJ intended to wring as much money out of this irritating man as they possibly could. 

“I usually work out of the hotel on fifth, I’ll give you my card and we can meet there after my shift,” they announced, reaching over to the cabinet in the corner and pulling a small card out of the drawer. AJ made sure it was theirs before handing it over with a bright smile. 

“Here you are, sir. And you still have five minutes of private time with me now.” 

* * *

Once AJ was finished, they headed straight for the bar, climbing up on an empty stool and simply waiting. David shot them a look, then winked at them and nudged Ezra, who hurried over immediately. AJ flipped David off automatically, then smiled at Ezra, their body relaxing as they took in those worried eyes. 

“Hey, how are you feeling today?” 

“Much better,” AJ nodded, rubbing over the gold lycra sleeve they’d pulled on over their bandage. “Could I get a drink?” 

“Of course, what would you like?” Ezra grinned, and AJ felt an odd sense of relief pouring through them, that smile ridiculously soothing. 

“Surprise me.” 

Ezra chuckled, tilting his head to the side, his smile turning slightly playful. “You know that’s the worst thing to say to a bartender, right?” 

“That’s why I said it,” AJ answered easily, and basked in the way Ezra laughed again, his nose crinkling slightly, his eyes lit up. “I like fruit, so anything with fruit in will do me.” 

Ezra nodded and picked up a cup, filling it from a clear bottle and setting it in front of AJ. “Cranberry juice,” he announced with a smile. “One of my favourites. I can add some water if it’s too strong.”

AJ picked it up just as they felt a hand on their shoulder, Michael’s voice in their ear. 

“He’s back again, in room one. Asked for you, like always.” 

“Thanks,” AJ said simply, then flashed Ezra a sheepish smile. “I have to go, but I’ll see you later, I’m here all night tonight.” 

Ezra nodded, pushing the drink towards them with a smile, although AJ thought he could see a touch of disappointment in those beautiful blue eyes. "Take it with you, stay hydrated and all that." 

"Thanks," AJ answered simply, taking the cup and sliding off the stool hurriedly. They glanced back once to see Ezra watching them, and smiled to themself when he looked away far too quickly, turning away to wipe the spotless bar. 

A little boosted by this, AJ headed to room one with a slight bounce in their step. 

* * *

By the time the night was over and the club was dead, AJ had made quite a bit in tips and private dances. They tucked it all away in their cash tin in their locker, then sighed to themself, taking out their smarter clothes. Working for cash was difficult - making sure their money didn't get stolen by clients or other performers at the club - but it wasn't as if they could have a bank account. That would simply raise too many questions. 

AJ winced and tugged on their nicer clothes, tucking their costume away and pushing it all out of their mind before heading back to the bar. David had fucked off early, as always, so Ezra was alone, wiping down the bar methodically, his expression blank and engrossed. 

He didn't seem to notice AJ as they walked over, no longer in high heels, but now in almost silent sneakers. 

"Hey, could I um...get another juice?" 

Ezra jumped, then laughed at himself awkwardly, his cheeks flushing. "Yeah, of course. Sorry, you startled me." 

AJ sat down as usual and leaned against the bar, watching Ezra wordlessly, just taking him in. They had to admit that they were somewhat fascinated with the man. He was a few inches shorter than them, and had a figure that could only be described as soft, but what was the most remarkable to AJ was his reaction to the dancer themself. 

They were used to arrogance, to being treated like an object, a hole to fuck and throw money at. Not this gentle nervousness, those little glances and blushes. It was clear that Ezra was attracted to them, but it was coming across in such a different way than AJ usually saw, and it was intriguing. 

They liked watching the way Ezra responded to them, they couldn't get enough of this new type of attraction, so shy and innocent. 

Ezra placed the cup on the bar and AJ took it, thanking him softly. 

"Any plans for the rest of the night?" They asked quietly, and Ezra looked startled, leaning on the bar slightly. 

"Uhh, sleeping," he chuckled, and AJ smiled, nodding slightly. 

"Makes sense. Thanks again for last night, by the way," they murmured, setting their hand down on the bar lightly, leaving the hook dangling. 

"Oh, no worries," Ezra smiled, his cheeks a lovely shade of pink. "I'm just glad you're okay." 

To AJ's surprise, he didn't take the bait, going back to cleaning while glancing over at AJ every now and then. 

"You got any plans?" He asked after a minute or two of silence, and AJ winced, glad that Ezra was turned away and couldn't see their face. 

"No, nothing interesting," they answered, and realised they were stalling. It hit them all in one go, the realisation that they would rather stay there for hours, studying the way Ezra reacted to them, enjoying his company. They didn't want to go. 

They'd never had that experience with anyone before. Usually, their interactions with men were over and done with quite quickly, and often weren't repeated. This was new, and AJ intended to fully explore it. 

They watched Ezra for a short while, then reached up and began to play with their hair absentmindedly, fluffing it before pulling it back, starting to plait it loosely. Ezra glanced at them, then blushed and looked down again, and AJ noticed that he'd been cleaning the same spot for the past few minutes or so. He was stalling as well. 

The thought made AJ feel warm, a warmth they hadn't felt in quite a long time, and they cherished it, just watching Ezra and relaxing in the quiet. It felt so good to take a few moments to relax, without anyone looking at them or trying to shove money at them. They were simply being, without being observed or objectified, and it was a welcome relief. 

"You okay?" 

AJ jumped slightly, looking up, and Ezra smiled apologetically. 

"Sorry, I didn't mean to startle you," he murmured, and this time, his hand brushed AJ's, a light, nervous touch, fingers grazing over their knuckles briefly. 

AJ shivered, the gentleness of the touch almost bringing them to tears. When people touched them, it was usually rough, entitled, grabbing. Not this, not this delicate, careful, 'accidental' touching. 

"I'm okay, just...just thinking," they smiled, and Ezra nodded, his hand resting beside AJ's, as if nothing had happened. But AJ wasn't going to forget in a hurry. 

"I understand," Ezra answered with a wry smile, and AJ nodded vaguely, then felt their phone buzz in their pocket and took it out quickly. 

_ Unknown, 3:21 _

_ Where are you??  _

AJ winced and looked up, into sympathetic, soft blue. "I have to go." 

Ezra blinked, and AJ saw the disappointment, barely hidden in his expression. "Oh. I'll um...I'll see you soon, then." 

"Yeah," AJ smiled, getting up and letting their hand brush Ezra's. "See you." 

* * *

AJ hurried into the hotel, finding the man waiting for them in the lobby. He grinned at them in a rather creepy, sly way, already undressing them with his eyes, and AJ forced a smile, following him to the elevator. It was quite a nice hotel, and AJ had never been here in their life, only having suggested it because the man was clearly loaded.

It was often a good idea to match the client, and since this man was clearly rich, AJ was now high-class, expensive. Besides, they had to move hotels fairly often in any case, just to make sure no one caught on. 

The client didn't try to talk to AJ on the way up to the room, and as soon as they were inside, grabbed them around the waist, tugging them towards the bed. 

AJ went willingly, falling back onto the bed and forcing a smile as they helped the client tug their clothes off, hands running all over their skin. 

“We need to talk about-” they tried, but the man was shoving them back roughly, pinning them down by the shoulders. AJ rolled their eyes internally, reaching into their pocket and slipping out the condom before the man could rip their jeans off. 

“You need to use this,” they said sharply, and the man snatched it, tossing the jeans over the side of the bed and glaring at AJ.

“Fine, but shut up,” he snapped, and AJ sighed, tipping their head back as lips connected with their neck. If he was going to be like that, the price was going to have to be a lot higher.

“You’d better have five hundred in cash.” 

“Yes, now stop talking,” he snarled, and AJ was glad he couldn’t see their face. 

The man rocked his hips and AJ moaned dutifully, staring up at the ceiling for a while, until they were flipped over. The man was quite rough, certainly not using enough lube, but AJ just moaned and mumbled random phrases like 'just like that.'

And then the man was pushing inside, and AJ's mind wandered, body working on automatic. They needed to get a new toothbrush, and those shoes they wanted were supposed to be on sale tomorrow. They'd be a good fit for that new costume they'd been working on. The new costume that they'd get to show to Ezra. 

Their thoughts wandered further, remembering Ezra's hands, so gentle and careful on their skin. The way he'd bent over their arm while cleaning it, so attentive and careful, had made AJ's heart beat just a little faster. And that little hand squeeze. 

AJ couldn't help but think about those soft eyes, that bright smile. They couldn't understand who wouldn't find Ezra attractive - he was cute more than beautiful, but in such a tooth-achingly sweet way that AJ found themself wanting to just wrap him up in a hug. And that wasn't something they thought about often. 

They drifted off into a daydream easily, remembering those gentle hands on them instead of the rough ones they felt now, the slapping sound of skin on skin echoing in the quiet room. They thought about the way Ezra had asked before touching them and nearly choked on the rush of emotion, fingers curling in the sheets. 

They heard the client say something, but was too lost in their own thoughts to understand, so just responded with a loud moan in the hopes that this would suffice. The thoughts were easy to slip back into, images of Ezra floating in their mind. 

A moment later, however, they were rudely ripped from their peaceful thoughts, a hand in their hair, grabbing them, dragging them around. Before they could realise what was happening, the man was groaning, hot cum splattering all over AJ's face. 

"Oh for-" they snapped, shoving the man away roughly. "I didn't say you could fucking do that, did I? I'm wearing fucking contact lenses, you prick!" They shouted, trying to wipe it away and just moving it around. "Fuck's sake! You better fucking pay me extra." 

"Yeah, whatever. Fucking whore," the client growled, and AJ let out a sigh, watching dispassionately as the man tugged out a stack of bills and threw them onto the bed. 

"That enough?" 

AJ counted them quickly, a little shocked at how much it was, but covering up their surprise well. "Yes, that's suitable." 

"Good. Awful fucking service," the man muttered, tugging his slacks back on and tucking his shirt in messily before leaving the room without another word. AJ rolled their eyes and wandered into the bathroom, washing their face and removing their contacts. Then they ran themself a bath in the huge, luxurious tub, and sank under the water happily. 

They let their head tip back, aching muscles soothed by the heat, a soft, genuine little moan passing their lips. After a while, they began to daydream again, imagining strong, soft arms around their waist, blond hair tickling their cheek. They tried to imagine what it would feel like to have someone so caring touching them, kissing their neck, running hands over their stomach, maybe even lower. 

AJ smiled, eyes closed contentedly, and just enjoyed the daydream.

* * *

By the time AJ got home to their tiny apartment with a bag full of the little soaps from the hotel and their take from the club, it was almost light outside, so they immediately got to work on their bedtime routine. First they took the last of their makeup off, then smoothed moisturiser into their skin, everywhere they could be bothered to reach. They plaited their hair back carefully and slipped into their favourite pajamas, a nice silk camisole and shorts set in a delicate peach with lace trim. Then AJ took their medication, making a careful note on the calendar hanging by the dresser so they wouldn't forget. 

Lastly, they sorted their cash, counting through their tips and earnings, adding it all up to a tidy seven hundred and forty-five pounds. They took their various jars down from their hiding places around the room, each with a bit of masking tape acting as a label. AJ tucked three hundred into the bills jar, forty-five into ‘spending,’ fifty into the clothes jar, and the rest into savings before stashing the jars again. 

Once all of this was done, they finally drew the curtains and climbed into bed, falling into a deep sleep almost immediately, soothed by the fact that all their money was sorted and safe. 

They'd had a busy night, and although their brain had plenty of things to sort through in their dreams, it went straight for Ezra. 

It made it quite difficult to wake up when their alarm went off, but they groaned and sat up anyway, shaking off the thoughts of Ezra and those hands. 

AJ slid out of bed sleepily, smiling to themself as they realised after last night, they could afford to take a day off. Their eyes still stung, so they slipped their glasses on and slowly got dressed in their sweats and hoodie, stretching out a few sore muscles before coming to a decision. 

They wanted to see Ezra. 

It was an odd feeling, knowing that they wanted to see someone so much. They'd never had the chance to have a relationship before, and all of this was completely new territory to them. Humming to themself, they did their makeup, just a touch of eyeliner and mascara, then hurried out of their flat and down to their car. 

* * *

Once they arrived at the club, they parked and slipped in through the back, smiling at the other performers and waving a few times. 

"I forgot something," was their excuse, and they opened their locker. Everything was in perfect order as always, all of their costumes folded neatly, organised carefully. They opened one of the little plastic drawers they'd put in their locker and slid out a necklace. It was a choker made of a single black ribbon, and one of their favourite stage pieces.

AJ had a thing for ribbon, they used it in their costumes as much as possible, loving the shine it gave as well as that lovely silky texture. In their work, bondage was strictly off the menu after a bad experience or two, but they had to admit they still had fantasies of being tied up in beautiful ribbons and taken care of. Well, in all honesty there was one exception to the rule, one client who always got what he wanted, but he was rather more into leather than lace, and he definitely wasn’t into ‘taking care’ of AJ. 

Biting their lip, AJ tore themself from their thoughts, shut their locker, and grabbed their keys, heading for the door hurriedly in the hopes that that no one would see them as they slipped through. They hurried straight to the bar, shrugging off a hand and ignoring the man completely. If they weren't in costume, they weren't for sale. It was one of the rules of the club, to ensure that the performers didn't get bothered for lap dances when they were off the clock, but some people just couldn't read. 

When AJ reached the bar, Ezra was busy serving, so David walked over, smiling. 

"You're not on shift today." 

Despite the fact that AJ lived with Bea, they had to consider David one of their best friends at work. He was friendly and kind and had a similar sense of humour to AJ. He was the only person AJ felt they could have fun with, throwing joking insults back and forth and laughing constantly. 

Now, though, he looked slightly worried. 

"No, I um...forgot something," AJ mumbled, knowing it was a lame excuse. 

"Yeah, your boyfriend," David chuckled, glancing towards Ezra and shaking his head. "He's an odd one." 

AJ sighed, leaning on the bar and shaking their head slightly. "He seems nice."

"Oh yeah, I think he is," David grinned, leaning a little closer to AJ. "Which makes him odd in a place like this." 

AJ laughed softly and David tilted his head slightly. "I've tried all my usual tactics of scaring potential obsessives away, but he just...won't stop." 

AJ felt the blush rising, glancing towards Ezra and watching as he tossed a glass into the air. "I think...I don't know. I just want to talk to him more, y'know? I don't think anything else is going to happen." 

David nodded, his smile sympathetic rather than teasing. "You need more friends, anyway," he pointed out, and AJ rolled their eyes, but smiled despite themself. "You should start coming to staff drinks again, Ezra came last time." 

AJ winced and looked down, biting their lip lightly. "You know I have a regular every other Monday." 

David shrugged, tilting his head slightly. "Ask him to change days or something. Come when he isn't around. I don't know, and anyway, you don't have to." 

"I just...I find it overwhelming," AJ mumbled, just as Ezra finished serving and began to make his way over, looking slightly confused. As soon as David noticed, he turned away, fiddling with something and then wandering off down the bar to clean some taps. 

AJ smiled as Ezra stopped in front of them, his cheeks already touched with pink. "Hey. I thought you weren't in today." 

That gentle voice was everything AJ had needed to hear, and they smiled even wider, shrugging as their own cheeks flushed slightly. "I um...I forgot something in my locker." 

Ezra nodded, then leaned on the bar. "Drink?" 

"Please," AJ answered simply, and Ezra smiled, then blushed even darker. 

"I um...I came up with something you might like, should I make that?" 

AJ stared at him for a moment, completely stunned. No one had ever thought about them enough to make something especially for them. "That sounds delightful," they said smoothly, managing to gloss over their surprise and push aside the slight trepidation. There was no way Ezra would be able to drug their drink and get them out of the club without someone noticing, after all. 

Ezra smiled and began to work, so AJ turned away briefly to look at the stage, humming along with the song that was playing until a glass was set in front of them with a quiet sound. 

"Oh! Thank you," AJ smiled, and looked down at the glass. The liquid was a sort of purplish colour, full of crushed ice, a couple of cocktail straws, and a little golden umbrella. AJ focused in on the umbrella, certain that they'd never seen them in the club before, and making a mental note to ask David about it. 

"This looks great," they hummed, picking up the glass and taking a sip. It was exceptional. Incredibly refreshing, with a perfect balance of tart and sweet, lovely and fruity. AJ's eyes widened slightly and they set the glass down, grinning at Ezra. 

"This is the best drink I've ever had," they announced, and watched those plump cheeks go bright red. "Thank you so much!" 

"You're, um...you're welcome. It wasn't any trouble," Ezra answered awkwardly, leaning on the bar again while AJ sipped their drink. 

"What's in it?" 

"That's a secret," Ezra smiled, his gaze a little playful, his smile twitching up at the corners. AJ chuckled softly and nodded, picking up the umbrella and tucking the stick at the end through one of their small hoop earrings. 

"I can respect trade secrets. How do I look?" 

Ezra laughed, a bright, clear, joyful sound that made AJ feel warm all over. 

"Like a magpie," he teased, his smile wide and with a soft emotion behind it that AJ couldn't quite place. "Always covered in gold." 

"Well, I do covet anything shiny, I have to admit," AJ grinned, resting their chin in their hand and looking at Ezra, just taking him in. 

"I can tell. It looks good on you, though. Gold, I mean, not cocktail umbrellas." 

"That's a challenge," AJ grinned, slipping the umbrella from their earring and turning it over in their fingers. "Give me another one and I'll make them into a proper pair of earrings. To wear. They'll be artistic." 

Ezra gave them a critical look, his smile so bright and sweet that it was infectious. "I don't believe you." 

"I'll do it, and you'll owe me a fiver," AJ chuckled, holding their hand out. 

"Deal," Ezra grinned, opening a drawer and pulling out another of the little gold umbrellas. "Here you go," he said brightly, placing it in their hand and letting his fingers brush their palm. 

"Thank you," AJ said sweetly, folding the first one carefully and setting the second beside it. "I'm on shift tomorrow, you'd better have a fiver." 

"I'll bring a couple just in case," Ezra smiled, watching AJ as they took another sip from their drink. 

The bar was dead, so David ambled over, despite AJ's discreet, but meaningful glares, his hand falling onto Ezra's shoulder heavily. 

"Those umbrellas are cute, where did you get them?" He asked, shooting AJ a look that they pretended not to see. 

Ezra blushed and looked down, and AJ suddenly felt sorry for him. "Just got them online." 

"Maybe we should get Michael to order some," David smiled, hammering the point home with the largest mallet he could find. "The tightarse would probably say they're a waste of money, though." 

"There's customers," Ezra said quietly, trying not to sound annoyed. 

"So there are," David grinned, slapping the side of Ezra's head gently and walking off. 

"Yes, he's always like that," AJ laughed, hoping to dispel some of the odd awkwardness hanging in the air. "Especially once he's gotten to know people." 

"He's annoying," Ezra muttered, and AJ nodded, finishing off their drink and stirring the ice thoughtfully. 

"Yeah. But in a nice way. He means well, anyway." 

Ezra glanced along the bar and nodded, wincing when he realised how busy it was. "I should help...are you staying for a bit?" 

AJ sighed and shook their head, knowing that they could probably fit in a cam show or two before they needed to sleep. "No, I need to get home. But I'll see you tomorrow?" 

"Yeah, I'm on shift. It was nice to see you," Ezra answered, the simple phrase sounding so special and sweet to AJ. It wasn't something they heard often, and certainly not in such an innocent tone. 

"Yeah, you too."

And it was the first time in a very long time that AJ could say they meant every word of that short sentence. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! I hope you liked this one, the first of AJ's POV! :)   
> I've decided that I'm going to move the update schedule up a bit once my exams are done, I'll be updating twice a week instead of once. I'll give you more info on that when it gets closer, I have exams basically this whole month so that's....fun lol   
> Anyway, as always, I hope you're all well and staying safe! ♡♡♡


	5. Chapter Five

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains: suggestive content.

_ Ezra felt lips on his, darkness around him. Then the lips slid away and he realised he was lying on his back in bed, someone straddling his hips. As they sat back, he let his heavy eyelids flutter open, shock sending his eyes wide as AJ smiled down at him. They reached down slowly, gripping the hem of their t-shirt and slipping it over their head, red curls cascading and bouncing as they sprung free from the fabric. Ezra let out a shocked breath, just as AJ grinned and ducked down again, hands cupping his jaw, lips pressing to his. He lost himself in the kiss, his hands sliding into that perfect, silky hair, his lips parting. And then he was rolling AJ over, his hips rocking, and the dancer's head flung back, a soft moan escaping their lips. Ezra smiled to himself and pulled them back into a slow, passionate kiss, their bodies rolling together, hands gently grabbing at each other until AJ twisted, rolling Ezra over and pinning him easily, giggling. Ezra's heart felt like it could burst with the simple, pure joy in that sound, even as AJ slid off the bed, stripping completely before climbing back onto Ezra's hips and leaning in for another easy, gentle kiss.  _

* * *

Ezra woke shaking, sun streaming through the curtains he'd forgotten to close and almost blinding him as he tried to sit up. 

Groaning, he swung his legs over the edge of the bed and grabbed his crutches, hauling himself up. He headed down the hall moodily, finding Anathema in the kitchen. She looked up as soon as he made his way into the room and smiled, but it quickly dissolved into a frown. 

"Ez? You look like shit, what's wrong?" 

Ezra collapsed into a chair at the kitchen table, shaking his head slightly. "I don't...I don't really know, I...I d-don't know," he mumbled, and Anathema turned the stove off and walked over slowly, sitting down in the chair next to his. 

"Hey, take a deep breath," she soothed, gently taking his hand and squeezing it tightly. "Calm down. Can you tell me what's wrong? You're shaking." 

Ezra winced, shaking his head slightly and trying to take a trembling breath in. "I-I had a dream, about AJ," he admitted shakily, looking everywhere but directly at Anathema, not wanting to see her judging him. "We were kissing a-and they were naked, and I don't know why I'm so upset!" 

"Okay, okay," Anathema murmured, stroking a hand down Ezra's back slowly. "It's alright. It was just a dream, okay? Let's think it through. Are you upset because of AJ's gender?" 

Ezra shook his head quickly, taking deep, slow breaths, even if they did shake. "No, not...not anymore. It surprised me a-and I'm a bit worried if...if we ever...did anything together, whether I'd be able to handle things with my past experiences, but...but I know that I'm attracted to nonbinary people and I'm okay with that." 

"Good, that's good progress," Anathema smiled, and Ezra managed a small nod, biting his lip hard. 

"I think maybe I feel bad, too. About having the dream. Like...I feel guilty because...just because of their job, that doesn't mean they're like...fair game for me to objectify, I-" 

"Okay, slow down," Anathema cut in gently, squeezing Ezra's shoulder and flashing him a slightly sad smile. "You're not objectifying them. Dreams happen, there's nothing you can do to control that, and it sounds like it wasn't even that graphic." 

"It...we didn't have sex or anything," Ezra mumbled, and felt the hot blush burning on his cheeks. "It was...nice, I guess. Just touching and kissing." 

"That sounds sweet, Ez," Anathema soothed, stroking his hair lightly. "Calm down, okay? Let me make you some tea, and I've got plenty of pancake batter. You aren't in the wrong here, I promise." 

"I just...feel gross," he mumbled, watching as she got up and filled the kettle. 

"I know, but you aren't," she soothed, and he just shrugged, glaring at the table for a moment. 

"Come on, tell me more about them," she said after a short silence, and Ezra sighed. 

"Well, they came to the club in these thick nerd glasses last night," he began, unable to keep the smile off his face as soon as he started talking about AJ. "And they weren't wearing foundation, they have these adorable freckles. They're just...so,  _ so  _ ridiculously beautiful. And their smile, it's just so sweet and genuine. I think they might be in a bad relationship or something, though. I had to clean like tarmac out of their arm, they said they fell, but I think maybe they were pushed. And they're covered in bruises." 

"It might just be a hazard of the job," Anathema pointed out quietly, pouring boiling water into two mugs. 

"I don't think they get that many bruises from dancing," Ezra answered, slightly puzzled. 

Anathema shot him a look, seeming like she was about to say something, then sighed. "You like them a lot, I can tell. And they seem...nice. From what you've said, anyway. Look, I think you're too worried about things. They might be in a relationship, they might not be looking for one, you never know. Stop getting so ahead of yourself and just go with the flow. If they like you, great. If you end up in a relationship, fantastic. If it gets to the point where you want to have sex, then and only then do you start thinking about sex, okay? For now, it doesn't matter. It makes no difference." 

Ezra nodded, taking the hot, sweet tea as it was offered. "Thanks. And you're right, I just...you know me. I'm not good at going with the flow." 

"I know, but you'll be fine," Anathema soothed, ruffling his hair playfully. "How about you come with me to campus today? I'll drive you and you can work in the library for a bit before your class. It'll save you time." 

Ezra tensed slightly, already shaking his head, but Anathema smiled at him, her hand brushing his cheek. 

“Come on, you’re going to have to leave at the same time as me to get the bus, you might as well come with me. I’ll drive carefully, I promise.”    
Still hesitating, Ezra let out a soft breath, but Anathema was right, it would save time and it was only a ten minute drive anyway. He would be okay. 

"Yeah, okay. Thanks," he smiled at last, and she just nodded, going back to the stove. 

"Anytime." 

* * *

That night, Ezra watched AJ's set with even more delight than usual, catching as much of it as he could between serving customers, and made sure he was free when the last note of the final song died away. AJ stepped off the stage and vanished into the crowd for a moment or two, then reappeared, heading towards the bar just as Michael intercepted, grabbing their sore arm. Ezra tensed and saw the brief look of pain on AJ's face as Michael said something to them urgently. They looked annoyed, rolling their eyes, but Michael snapped something and they flipped her off before turning away and heading into one of the private rooms. 

Ezra's eyes went wide, his breath hitching in his throat. 

He hadn't expected this. He supposed he had to have known it, deep down. It was part of their job, part of what they did, but seeing that curtain fall back after them made him shake. 

And this just made Ezra annoyed. He couldn't believe that he could be so close-minded, judging AJ for something so normal, and it took him a moment to realise that wasn't why he was upset. It couldn't be, after all, he'd never felt that way when watching the other performers dip into the private rooms. Ezra didn't have a problem with sex work; he had a problem with the fact that AJ was giving someone a lap dance.

That almost made him feel worse. He didn't want to be obsessive or possessive or jealous. AJ wasn't his, they were their own person, and he had absolutely no claim to them whatsoever, and wouldn't have even if they were married, let alone just starting to become friends. He felt sleazy and gross again, shuddering to himself as he tried to focus on serving, tried to forget about what AJ was doing. 

After a while, Ezra had just finished a tray of drinks and set it out for the other bartender to take back to a private room, and looked up into golden eyes. AJ was smiling, leaning on the bar, their hoodie pulled on over their costume. 

"Hey," they said brightly, and Ezra felt all his negative emotion just drain away, unable to cling on in the face of that stunning smile. 

"Hey, magpie, what can I get you?" He answered without thinking, and AJ giggled -  _ giggled,  _ it was far too cute to be good for Ezra's health - and twirled a lock of hair around one finger.

"I wouldn't mind another of those drinks you made me," they smiled, and Ezra nodded, starting to mix the drink quickly. It only took him a minute before he was setting the glass down in front of AJ, complete with the little umbrella. 

"How's your shift going?" He asked, leaning against the bar as AJ poked at the ice with one of the straws. It took them a moment to answer, their cool composure slipping just briefly, showing a flash of something halfway between anger and sadness. 

"Fine," they said shortly, and Ezra noticed the way they were favouring their left wrist, holding it close to their body. 

"Can I see that?" Ezra asked quietly, and AJ looked at him in shock, then smiled slightly. 

"It's just a sprain. I've gotten them a few times, I'll be okay." 

Ezra frowned, doubtful, but let it slide for now. 

"Oh! My earrings!" AJ said suddenly, before Ezra could think of something else to continue the conversation. They fished in their hoodie pocket and took out a pair of cocktail umbrella earrings, holding them up to their ears and grinning at Ezra triumphantly. They’d taken the top off the umbrellas and fitted them into golden hoops so they hung almost like pressed flowers, catching the light beautifully as they swayed. 

"I told you!" 

Ezra laughed and reached into his pocket, pulling out his wallet and sliding a fiver across the bar. AJ took it and smiled, tucking both the money and the earrings away quickly. 

"Those are really cool, though," Ezra said quickly, leaning on the bar again."You should try selling them on Etsy or something." 

AJ blushed and gave a small shrug. "It's enough work making all my costumes." 

"You make all your own costumes?" Ezra echoed in surprise, and AJ smiled, their cheeks getting just a touch redder. 

"Yeah, I like sewing, I find it relaxing," they admitted, and Ezra nodded. 

"Wow, that's really cool, you know. I've never really been good at that kind of thing, I think I'm too impatient." 

"Patience is definitely important," AJ nodded, sipping at their drink and glancing towards the stage. "It's a busy night." 

"Yeah, it's really cold in here, though," Ezra commented, and AJ turned back to look at him, somewhat surprised. 

"Oh, really? I don't feel it so much when I'm dancing," they smiled, and Ezra rested his hands on the bar between them. 

"Look, they're almost blue," he chuckled, and AJ reached out, trailing their fingertips over the back of his hand. He turned it over unthinkingly, and AJ rested their own hand there, palm to palm, their fingertips touching Ezra's wrist, right over his pulse point. Ezra could barely breathe, forcing himself not to stare at their hands, especially when AJ's fingers curled around his, holding lightly. But all this meant was that he focused on their lips instead, remembering his dream, wondering what it would be like in real life. 

And then AJ's hand was sliding away, as if they'd suddenly realised what they were doing, a dark blush rising to their cheeks again. 

Silence fell between them for a little while, awkward, and Ezra had to take a short break to serve a few customers before walking back over to the dancer. 

"Do you want a top-up, hon?" He asked quietly, and AJ looked up from staring at the bar as if woken from a trance. 

"Oh, um...no, thank you. I need to get back to work soon, anyway," they smiled, and Ezra nodded awkwardly. "In fact, I'm going to go to the bathroom and then I'm going to get back to it. I'll come over again when I take another break later, though," they added quickly, hopefully, and Ezra's face softened into a pleased smile. 

"I'd like that." 

Ezra watched AJ walk off and began to wipe the bar down again, just as he caught his name being spoken. There were two performers standing at the bar, chatting rather loudly, just a few feet away from Ezra, and despite all the noise of the club, he could hear them quite clearly. 

"Crowley is definitely trying to get him, did you see that hand touch? God, she's really going for it. Lord knows why, though, it's not like he has a ton of spare cash if he works here," the first performer laughed, a dancer whose name Ezra knew he should have known. 

The other, a drag queen who went by Crystal something on stage, shook her head. "You know, I think they really like him, I think that's part of it." 

The dancer laughed again, disdainful. “Sure, it’s not like Crowley is so far out of his league, she's over the horizon. It must be money.”

Ezra nearly choked. His heart sank further than he'd ever felt it sink before, pain stabbing through his chest. Just because he'd known that AJ was too good for him, it didn't soothe the hurt of hearing someone else confirm it for him. 

The idea that AJ was just trying to get money from him really twisted the knife, though. He knew it wasn't true, but he wasn't good at handling irrational thoughts at the best of times, and this wasn't the best of times, not by a long, long way. 

A flash of gold caught his eye in the crowd and he looked up, his throat tightening when he saw AJ, weaving through the people, smiling brightly, talking to nearly everyone they saw. Suddenly, all their intimate moments together - cleaning AJ's wounds, their sweet little bet, the drink AJ had liked so much - seemed tainted, marred with the realisation that it could have all been lies. 

Ezra spent the rest of his shift avoiding the redhead, making sure he was busy whenever the dancer was free. Every time they came to the bar, Ezra would find some excuse to go to the back and fetch something. He just didn't want to see them, he didn't want to talk to them. It was all too raw, and he went home at the end of his shift still aching and upset. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! I hope you liked this chapter!   
> I've got one exam out of the way, so that's a start! Three more to go but they're all online so it's not so bad.   
> I hope you all are well, and just fyi my last exam is during the first week of June, I can't remember the exact date, so early June is when I'll be changing the update schedule :)   
> Stay safe everyone!


	6. Chapter Six

By the time Ezra's next shift rolled around, he'd managed to calm down somewhat. He'd had a few conversations with Anathema, who assured him that from his descriptions, she was sure AJ liked him, at the very least as a friend. And he'd had plenty of thinking time, mulling over his irrational thoughts and gently pushing himself to think about things more critically. 

Even so, he did his best to keep his distance from the dancer during his shift, feeling that he still needed a bit more space to sort through his emotions and insecurities. Unfortunately, although he managed to miss them when they'd come to the bar after their set, he wasn't able to wriggle out of it when Michael beckoned him over at the end of the night, standing beside a very nervous looking AJ. 

She smiled at Ezra, and AJ blushed, looking down at their beaten-up, frayed sneakers. "Ezra, Crowley can't drive home tonight because her car is in the shop, I was wondering if you'd take her home," she suggested firmly, and AJ shifted slightly, looking vaguely uncomfortable. "You'll get out of closing, and maybe something else," Michael added, giving Ezra a suggestive wink that went straight over his head. He noticed it, but since he had no idea what it meant, he forgot about it almost instantly, too busy worrying about AJ, who looked like they were about to melt from embarrassment any second. 

"I um...don't have a car," he admitted quietly, and an odd host of emotions passed across AJ's face in just a few seconds. "But I can walk you, if you'd like. Where do you live?" 

"Crawford street," AJ mumbled, and Ezra nodded, forcing a slightly shaky smile. 

"That's just a few streets over from my place." 

"Perfect!" Michael exclaimed, gently pushing at AJ's shoulder. "We wouldn't want anything happening to our best performer now, would we?" She said, with just a touch of sarcasm, and AJ winced, picking up the bag at the bottom of their feet and swinging it over their shoulder. 

"Come on," Ezra said gently, and AJ smiled faintly, following him as he led them to the staff entrance. He took his coat down from the peg and slipped it on, then held the door open for AJ, who thanked them quietly. 

Just a moment later, they were walking side by side, Ezra's hands in his pockets. The silence was thick and heavy, carrying far too much baggage, and AJ was the first to give in. 

"Look, have I done something to upset you?" 

Ezra winced, shaking his head quickly and wishing that his prosthesis hadn't chosen that exact moment to start rubbing again. "No, you haven't," he said quietly, trying to subtly change his stride without much success. "I've just been...not having a great time lately. I've had a lot of insecurities, and I find it hard to talk to people when I'm anxious." 

Ezra thought about this for a second or two. It wasn't the entire truth, but it was entirely true, and Ezra had to simply hope it would be enough. 

"Okay," AJ said quietly, not sounding completely convinced, but not pressing the issue any further. 

"It's um...freezing, isn't it?" Ezra mumbled after a short silence, and AJ nodded, flashing him a brief smile. 

"Yeah. It's kind of nice, though. Refreshing," they chuckled, swaying slightly as they tried to avoid stepping on the cracks in the pavement. 

Something about that almost made Ezra laugh out loud - it was such a childish, innocent thing, and to see someone like AJ being so concerned over cracks in the pavement was odd, to say the least. But he bit his tongue for fear of offending AJ, and just smiled to himself instead. 

"True. But also freezing," he chuckled, and AJ looked at him, long fingers tugging at the hem of his jacket. 

"You need a proper coat," they pointed out with a teasing smile, and Ezra rolled his eyes. 

"You think I have over a hundred quid just lying around to drop on a winter coat, huh?" He grinned, and AJ feigned surprise. 

"You mean you don't? I assumed you had to be the richest bartender in all of England," they answered, unable to hold back from snorting at their own joke. Ezra's heart did a backflip. 

"No, just a normal bartender," he said softly, and AJ shot him a look. 

"Broke like the rest of us, maybe, but normal isn't the right word," they replied, a smile tugging at their lips as Ezra nearly stopped walking in shock. "Exceptional would be more apt." 

Ezra's heart was doing a good impression of an Olympic gymnastics team in his chest now, and he was struggling to breathe evenly, his step faltering slightly. 

"Thank you," was all he could force out, and AJ didn't answer except to smile at him, their own cheeks tinted pink. They flicked their hair back behind their shoulder and sighed, jingling the keys in their pocket. 

"I'm glad you like working at the club, though," they added quietly, and Ezra swallowed, trying his best to calm down and suddenly glad for the biting cold air to keep him grounded. "I don't really get on with anyone else there, and we seem to lose new people fairly often." 

"You ever get a Tory working there by mistake?" Ezra joked, trying to steer the conversation away from those quiet, gentle comments spoken so matter-of-factly. 

"Believe me, we work hard to make sure Tories don't know we exist," AJ chuckled, and then bit their lip, shooting Ezra a brief glance. "You know, you should give me the recipe to that drink sometime, it's really good." 

"I don't think I can do that, I'm afraid," Ezra said in a mock serious tone, and AJ looked at him, apparently unable to stop smiling. 

"Yeah? Why's that?" 

"Because then anyone would be able to make it for you, and that kind of defeats the whole point of me, doesn't it?" Ezra chuckled, but he knew he was fishing somewhat at this point. He wasn't good at handling sweet comments, but that didn't mean he didn't like them. 

"Nah," AJ said simply, slipping their keys out of their pocket as they reached Crawford street. "I like your company. Speaking of, how about you come upstairs for ten minutes?" They suggested, shooting Ezra a look that he might have interpreted as nervous if he didn't know better. "I could make you a hot chocolate as thanks." 

"I wouldn't want to intrude, I can just-" Ezra tried, the idea of going into AJ's flat both thrilling and terrifying, his hands starting to shake. 

"No, come on," AJ insisted gently, one of those beautiful smiles on their face again. "Please? I'd feel bad just leaving you out here to freeze to death," they chuckled, stopping outside a rather rundown building and unlocking the front door with a big, old fashioned key. 

"I-" But AJ was already gripping Ezra's wrist loosely, pulling him towards the door. He gave up and followed them inside, his heart pounding as he climbed the stairs behind them. 

"Sorry it's a bit...gross," AJ said quietly, waving a hand to the stairwell in general. It did smell quite damp, but Ezra had been in student accommodation for quite a few years now, both official and unofficial, and he'd seen it all. 

"Doesn't bother me," he answered sincerely, and AJ stopped on the first floor, unlocking a door with a small plant in a pot outside it. 

"That's my lemon tree," they announced, giving it a fond kick which made it rock. "I bought it when I moved in like six years ago, never had a single bloody lemon." 

The tone of their voice was slightly off, a bit strained, as was the smile they shot Ezra, but he just smiled back. 

"Those things are always a rip off," he chuckled, and AJ shrugged, shouldering the door open and holding it for Ezra. 

"Mm, it's whatever. I still like it. It's like having a pet, but much less interesting and practically no cost." 

Ezra slipped past them into a surprisingly clean living room. He'd expected at least some kind of mess, but it looked almost like a show home, apart from the obvious age of the furniture. 

"Bea is spending the night at her partner's," AJ mumbled, kicking the door shut and taking their shoes off quickly. "Means it stays clean for two minutes together. You can um...come through into my room, if you want. The couch is disgusting," they added, flashing Ezra a worried smile and heading off down the hall. Blinking in surprise, Ezra followed slowly, and AJ pushed a door open, revealing the tidiest room he'd ever seen. 

"I'm just going to change, so um...make yourself comfortable, I guess," AJ murmured, grabbing some folded clothes off the top of the dresser and slipping into a different room that Ezra guessed had to be the bathroom. 

Once they were gone, Ezra could take in the room properly. There were lots of posters on the walls, and he couldn't help but smile as his eyes ran over them.  _ Steven Universe, The Lord of The Rings, Red Dwarf, Stranger Things, It.  _ The list went on, and it seemed to have been pulled directly from Ezra's 'recently watched.' He wandered closer to the small bookshelf in the corner and read a few of the spines, wondering to himself how anyone could be so perfect. 

"Oh, I um...I like having physical copies of books." 

Ezra jumped violently, and AJ gave a soft, shaky chuckle. 

"Sorry." 

Turning, Ezra bit back a gasp, his eyes wide with shock. AJ was wearing baggy, fluffy pajamas, and looked absolutely adorable. Huggable was a word that also sprang to mind, and Ezra had to restrain himself from trying to do just that. 

"It's okay, I guess I shouldn't have been snooping," he smiled, trying not to be too obvious about his nerves. 

AJ nodded, biting their lip lightly, then glancing into the hall. "It's fine, you can look at whatever you want," they said quietly, then took a long breath. "I um...I'm going to make this hot chocolate, you can um...stay here." 

"I can help if you want, I mean-" 

"No, you're my guest," AJ answered promptly and firmly, slipping out of the room before Ezra could try to object again. 

He sighed and looked around awkwardly, then wandered over and sat down on the edge of the bed, trying not to touch anything more than he had to. He felt like he could so easily make a mess in such a clean, organised environment, and he didn't want to upset AJ. 

So Ezra simply looked around some more, noticing the peach pink silk pillowcase and matching sheets, with so many extra frilly and lacy throw pillows piled on the bed. Fairy lights were wrapped around the frame, the led bulbs encased in little white foam roses. 

He smiled to himself, reaching out and stroking a petal with his index finger. It wasn't what he'd expected at all, but at the same time, it seemed to fit AJ somehow. 

The more Ezra thought about it, the more he could see the signs of the dancer's dorky inner life. He'd been so stunned by their good looks and cool, calm facade that he hadn't paid enough attention to the little signs, those tiny moments when the mask slipped. 

They'd been quite shy with him at some points, and they'd blushed a few times. Ezra smiled a little wider at the memories, laying back slowly to stare up at the ceiling. It felt good to rest, to lay back and close his eyes. His leg was aching, but he did his best to ignore it, until he heard the door open.

"You look comfy," AJ chuckled, and Ezra sat up hurriedly, his cheeks already on fire, his lip caught between his teeth. 

With the scent of the hot chocolate AJ was carrying now permeating the air, Ezra realised how strongly the room had smelt of AJ - of sweet, delicate, warm perfume. He wished he could get it back, but he supposed chocolate was the next best thing. 

"Sorry," he mumbled as he took the mug he was offered, but AJ just smiled, sitting beside him. 

"It's okay. You can get as comfortable as you like," they said softly, and Ezra felt that the atmosphere in the room had changed somewhat, but he didn't really know why or how. 

He took a sip to cover his confusion and blinked. 

"This is really good," he announced, and AJ nodded, combing their fingers through Ezra's hair with a smile that didn't look quite like their usual smile. Ezra swallowed, suddenly very uncomfortable. 

"Good, I'm glad you like it," AJ murmured, fingertips trailing over Ezra's cheek. They turned away to set their mug down, then looked back at him, their hand skimming up the outside of his thigh. 

"I can give you something else, if you like," they purred, in a voice that Ezra recognised immediately as unnatural. His heart shattered, his chest suddenly heaving as he jumped up, setting his mug down. 

"I-I just remembered, my um...my housemate wanted me back by now!" He choked out, and AJ looked shocked, their eyes wide as they watched Ezra tug his coat on. 

He couldn't decipher the expression on their face and he didn't try, apologising and thanking them for the hot chocolate and showing himself out in such a hurry that he almost tripped over his own feet. 

Finally, he was out in the fresh air, sucking in great big lungfuls as he tried to calm down, hugging himself as he headed for home and the warm, uncomplicated solace of his bed. 

Ezra had no idea what had just happened, he just knew it had made him feel sick. It wasn't a case of not being attracted to AJ or issues due to their gender, he was sure of that now. But something had felt so wrong when they'd touched him, something about that tone of voice had been...off. And their eyes had been blank.

Usually when AJ smiled, their eyes lit up, adding to the joy in their expression and giving them that special spark that Ezra saw so rarely in other people. But when they'd put their hand on his thigh, they'd looked completely shut down. 

He shuddered and began to walk a bit quicker, trying not to replay the moment over and over in his head, without much success.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone!   
> I hope you liked this one!   
> I've been having a bit of writer's block with this story which is a bit annoying :/ it's been getting hot here and I have trouble writing when it's hot, no idea why lmao. Anyway, I'm hoping to spend some time doing some editing today to make up for it, so I can have more chapters ready to go for you!   
> My last exam is June 1st so as long as I can get chapters prepared, I might post one as celebration, but no big promises yet.   
> Huge shoutout to my friend and editor Larry, he's doing such a great job helping me with this story! It wouldn't be anywhere near as good without him.   
> Anyway, sorry for the massive notes, kudos if you read all of it! As always, I hope you're all staying safe and well! ♡♡♡


	7. Chapter Seven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains: negative internal monologue.

AJ watched Ezra go, shock making them freeze. They took a shuddering breath in, then hugged themself tightly, bending over slightly as they tried to understand what had just happened. 

They'd left their car at the shop overnight because they were supposed to get picked up by a regular, who'd canceled last minute. All the cab companies in the area knew AJ, and they knew if they called, they wouldn't get a cab. That had left Michael, and as soon as they'd asked her for a ride, she'd suggested Ezra. 

AJ had been uncomfortable with the idea from the start, not because they didn't want to spend more time with Ezra, but because they didn't like feeling as if they owed anyone anything. 

And so, they'd tried to repay the favour. They'd been almost certain Ezra had been attracted to them, but now...now it didn't seem quite so clear-cut. 

AJ groaned, burying their face in their hands, red hair spilling over their shoulders and forming a protective barrier between them and the rest of the world. It had been a long time since rejection had hurt this badly. Usually they just flipped the man off and walked away to find another one who was willing to pay, but Ezra wasn't just a potential customer on the street. 

He was different. 

The whole area was new to AJ. It felt odd, uncertain. They didn't like feeling as if they didn't know what to do next or how to react. 

But then, as they began their bedtime routine, they began to think more clearly. Ezra was attracted to them, they were sure of it. He was always so attentive and sweet, and always, always blushing. It didn't explain his reaction to being touched, however, and AJ wasn't sure about that. They figured it was a possibility that he wasn't at all experienced in that area and having someone touch him in such an intimate place had been a shock. The more AJ thought about it, the more it made sense. 

After all, Michael had been pushing them together, that much was clear - probably to mock AJ's attraction to him by twisting him into just another customer - but it had gone straight over Ezra's head. He hadn't reacted at all to the wink, except to briefly look confused. Maybe he simply didn't know what to do. AJ nodded to themself vaguely, dropping their hands back into their lap and letting out a deep sigh. If Ezra was a virgin, that would explain everything. It would explain why he wouldn’t just take what they offered, when it was so readily available, and when anyone else would have jumped at the chance. 

This gave AJ just a little stirring of hope - after all, it was something they could work with - and when they finally climbed into bed and curled up, it didn't take them long to drift off. 

* * *

The next night, AJ was on shift again, so they picked up their car and drove down to the club. They checked the big whiteboard in the hallway when they slipped through the door and smiled to themself. Ezra was there. 

A little quicker than usual, AJ headed to the dressing room and got ready in record time, tugging a hoodie on hurriedly and heading into the club. It was early, so there were only a few customers wandering around, the club seeming dead and empty with so few people. 

But it meant Ezra was free. He was leaning on the bar, watching something on his phone, his bottom lip caught between his teeth unconsciously.

Suddenly slightly nervous, AJ made their way over, heels clicking on the floor, their hands in their hoodie pocket to disguise the shakes. 

As they got closer, they could hear the audio from Ezra's phone speaker, and recognised the  _ Stranger Things  _ theme tune. 

They stopped in front of Ezra, who looked up sharply and quickly tucked his phone away, smiling sheepishly. 

"Hey, magpie." 

AJ smiled back happily, relieved beyond measure that Ezra was acting normal. "Hey. I really like that show, y'know," they announced, their heart rather warm and heavy after 'magpie.' No one had ever bothered to give them a nickname before. Well, not a nice one, anyway. 

"Really? I've been trying to pace myself, I haven't watched the finale yet," Ezra admitted, half turning away to grab a bottle, starting to mix a drink slowly, thoughtfully. 

"Me neither," AJ smiled, and their heart leapt, an idea popping into their head. "I um...my car is still in the shop, maybe you could walk me home again and we could watch it together?" 

Ezra dropped the straws he was holding, his cheeks going bright red as he bent down quickly to pick them up. 

"Um...yeah, I'd...I'd like that," he admitted, not quite looking at AJ, but smiling brightly, even if it was tinged with nerves. 

"Cool, it's a plan," AJ grinned, and felt their cheeks heat up when Ezra wordlessly handed them one of their special drinks, umbrella and all. "Thanks." 

"You're welcome." 

* * *

AJ waited nervously, jingling their keys in their pocket as they stood outside the staff entrance. The door swung open suddenly and they jumped, then smiled as Ezra slipped out, looking flustered. 

"Sorry, Michael made me clean one of the private rooms," he rushed out, and AJ simply shrugged. 

"It's fine, I'm not in any hurry."

Ezra seemed to relax, flashing a smile and following AJ as they began to walk, glad that he didn't know what their car looked like. They'd have to get up early to pick it up, but it wasn't the end of the world. And the walk would be worth it. 

Because they were feeling anxious, uncertain of how to handle themself around Ezra, they did their best not to step on any cracks in the pavement, their heart beating a little faster in their chest, their palms sweating. 

"So, um...I'm sorry about last night, I shouldn't have left so abruptly," Ezra began quietly, but AJ just smiled, giving a small shrug. 

"It's okay. I understand having a demanding roommate," they added, to give Ezra an easy out. "Bea always has me make all of her costumes, and it gets stressful sometimes. She pays me for them, though, to be fair." 

"Maybe you should sell them. You're really good with the sewing and stuff," Ezra smiled, and AJ felt the blush rising already. 

"Thanks. I don't think I really have the time, though. I'm always so busy, it's hard to find the time for making my own stage clothes, let alone ones to sell." 

Ezra nodded, sighing quietly. "I never have time for anything I want to do, either. I have classes in the morning, an internship in the afternoon, and then the club. I sleep about once every three days," he chuckled, but AJ could hear the strain under his voice, twanging, taut. 

"That must be stressful," they said sympathetically, not sure what else to say, and Ezra nodded slightly before giving a sigh. 

"I'm okay. I'm thinking of going part-time with my degree. I can't afford to stop working and I need my internship to graduate, so the only thing I can really cut down on is my classes." 

"Yeah, that seems like a good idea," AJ hummed, and Ezra shot them a glance, then smiled. 

"I'm excited about this finale," he announced quietly, and AJ smiled, still looking down at the pavement to avoid the cracks. 

"Mm, I think it'll be good," they answered, not bothering to tell him that they'd already seen it. After all, it was only an excuse to spend time with him, so it didn't matter. 

As they got close to the building, AJ slipped their keys out of their pocket, glancing around before unlocking the door and leading Ezra inside. AJ climbed the stairs in silence and unlocked the front door, hesitating in the doorway and glancing back to Ezra. 

"My housemate is um...in the living room with their partner, we should go straight to my room," they said quietly, and Ezra nodded, flashing them a smile to show he'd heard. 

They both took their shoes off hurriedly and went down the hall quickly, AJ relaxing slightly as they shut the door behind them and leaned back against it, shaking their head. 

"Bea's partner doesn't like me, and if they knew I was bringing people here, they'd probably complain to my landlord," AJ explained quietly. "At least, if we annoyed them, you know? So we'll just stay in here and be quiet." 

Ezra nodded, eyes wide, and AJ forced themself to relax further. 

"I um...I'm going to change, would you mind...turning around?" 

Bright red wasn't nearly vibrant enough of a phrase to describe the colour Ezra's cheeks went, but he nodded and turned his back, hugging himself loosely. Satisfied, AJ found their fluffiest, baggiest pajamas once more, stripping out of their sweats and hoodie from work and tugging the pajamas on in their place. It felt nice to be completely hidden, their figure impossible to make out under the fleecy, fluffy warmth, and they buried their face in their sleeve briefly, basking in the softness and comfort. 

Then AJ took a deep breath and sat down on the edge of the bed, biting their lip briefly. 

"You can, um...turn around again," they announced softly, and Ezra turned immediately, his eyes briefly widening as he looked at the dancer for a moment or two too long. 

Then he made his way over and sat down beside them, looking a bit awkward. 

"Are you okay with watching it on my laptop?" AJ asked, and Ezra nodded, so AJ moved back, sitting back against the wall and patting the bed beside them. Ezra moved slightly awkwardly, wincing as he dragged himself over to the wall. 

"Are you alright?" AJ prompted immediately, suddenly worried, and Ezra nodded slightly. 

"Fine," he said quickly, his cheeks once again bright red. AJ decided to drop it and grabbed their laptop instead, opening it and quickly starting the last episode of  _ Stranger Things _ playing. They set the laptop in front of the two of them so they could both see it and leaned into Ezra's side automatically. 

Ezra tensed, swallowing hard, but AJ just ignored their own blush and settled with their shoulder pressed to his, comfortable with him. 

They wanted to be close to him, to their own surprise. It felt oddly good to touch him, to feel his warmth. AJ was used to body heat being, at its worst, stifling, and at best, just another background sensation. But Ezra's warmth made them tingle, spreading out from where they were touching and running down their arm, over their chest. It felt new and different and they wanted more. 

So they shifted closer, running their hand over his forearm, wondering what it would feel like to have his hands on their skin. Whether the warmth would be just as nice. They leaned into the daydream, smiling to themself as they imagined those hands on their chest, hips, thighs. Ezra turned his hand over and AJ began to trace circles on his palm with their index finger, gentle and slow, before their fingers suddenly slid between his, holding tightly. Ezra tensed again, but didn't even try to pull away, instead giving their hand a little squeeze. 

AJ began to feel a bit lightheaded with all the excitement, all the confusion. The rush of emotion they'd felt with that light squeeze, those plump fingers in between theirs, holding, had been almost too much. So they reverted back to what they knew, letting go of Ezra's hand and skimming their fingertips up the top of his thigh, then lower. 

They began with light touches, just the tips of their fingers, running down, in, all over Ezra's thigh until he began to relax slightly. Then they went in for the kill, their hand dipping between his thighs, squeezing lightly, running higher. 

Then AJ looked down and swallowed. 

Part of their job and being good at it was the ability to spot when a man was...getting excited. And there was no sign of this on Ezra. 

AJ immediately began to get insecure, their fingers trembling slightly. This had never happened to them before, and panic struck as they suddenly thought that maybe, maybe he just wasn't attracted to them. 

Their heart dropped and they turned once again to instinct, stroking their hand a little higher while leaning over to talk into Ezra's ear. 

"I know what you want, darling," they murmured, the words coming easily, the desperate need to see Ezra's attraction, to feel his touch almost overwhelming. "Hmm? You can have anything you want." 

Ezra jerked, his fingers closing around their wrist, gently pulling their hand away from him as he went nearly purple with embarrassment. 

Shock and disappointment flooded through AJ, along with embarrassment just as strong as Ezra's. 

"Look, I um," Ezra began shakily, not quite looking at them. "I...I think you're...you're stunning a-and I like spending time with you. But I'm...I'm not here because I want to...to take advantage. I'm...I'm not...this is too much." 

AJ moved away all in a moment, no longer touching Ezra at all, staring down at their lap fixedly. "I'm...I'm sorry," they mumbled, the thoughts coming, rushing in, piling up. 

_ You fucking stupid, worthless whore. Just a dumb slut who assumes everyone wants to fuck you. Why would such a nice, kind man want to fuck something like you?  _

They suddenly felt like crying, struggling to breathe as they tried to pretend it was all okay. A hand closed around theirs, fingers shaking, and they froze immediately. 

"Can we..?" Ezra trailed off, and AJ looked up at him hopefully, their heart beating fast, as if they'd just finished a set. Ezra blushed. "Can we hold hands?" 

AJ tried to look as if they weren't one breath away from sobbing, nodding and managing a fairly nonchalant look. "Sure." 

Their hand turned over, palm up, and Ezra smiled, fingers slipping between theirs, rubbing over their knuckles, pressing into their skin. As soon as Ezra was focused back on the screen, AJ closed their eyes, taking a deep, silent breath to calm down, confusion bursting, everything painful. They didn't know what to do, their internal script had failed them, and now they were in uncharted territory, floundering without a map. 

"You know," Ezra began softly, thoughtfully, and AJ looked up at him in surprise, his voice breaking through the ice and tugging them from the water. "El reminds me of you, in some ways." 

AJ blinked, and Ezra glanced at them, then laughed softly, biting his lip. 

"I mean, like. She's kind of quiet, but when she smiles...it's so happy. And she's so strong and cool." 

Once again, AJ was wobbling on the brink of tears, staring at the screen, blinking as they tried to breathe evenly. It was possibly the nicest thing anyone had ever said to them, comparing them to their favourite character of one of their favourite shows - not even on looks, but  _ personality. _

They didn't think anyone really saw them. Not looking any further than the surface, at least. Some didn't even look as far as that, too busy pinning them to an unfamiliar bed, refusing to talk to them. But Ezra had  _ seen  _ them, seen the surface, and kept going, and AJ was starting to tremble slightly, so many emotions welling up. It was hard to pick out individual ones, but there was definitely relief in there, even some pride. But the largest, most pressing emotion was something they didn't really have a name for, and didn't feel very often. Or at least, hadn't until they'd met Ezra. 

All of this only took half a second to flash through their mind, and they forced a fairly convincing laugh, their smile entirely real as they looked at Ezra. The worry melted from his face and he grinned as well, gently bumping AJ's shoulder with his. 

"She's my favourite character," AJ admitted quietly, and Ezra nodded, squeezing their hand gently. 

"She's a good favourite." 

They both turned back to the screen in silence, AJ beginning to relax. They were still spinning, but they were doing their best to put it all aside for now, to focus on their time with Ezra without having to ride that ridiculous rollercoaster of emotion. 

The scene changed and Ezra smiled slightly, pointing to Robin. 

"I kind of looked like her when I was in high school. My hair was longer and curlier, though." 

AJ blinked, then glanced at Ezra, confusion stirring. 

"You...you had long hair? I can't imagine that," they laughed softly, and Ezra grinned, shaking his head slightly. 

"Yeah, I did. Back when...well, when I thought I was a girl," he chuckled, and AJ frowned, their heart skipping a beat. "It seems weird now, huh?" 

AJ swallowed, their throat feeling dry, the world feeling as if it had slowed down around the two of them, leaving them in a little bubble, in this moment, the importance of which was laying on AJ like a necklace of lead. "You...thought you were a girl?" They echoed, not sure how else to ask, confusion once again rising to overwhelm everything else. 

Ezra blinked and looked at them in surprise. "Yeah, I thought everyone knew I'm a trans man." 

AJ smiled, nodding slightly. "I think I heard Michael mention it, but it must have slipped my mind," they said calmly, but inside they were screaming. 

After all, now there was a second reason Ezra hadn't been sporting an erection. A much more favourable reason. It wasn't for lack of attraction, but simply because Ezra lacked the equipment. AJ couldn't be sure, of course, it could have been both, but before that moment, they'd been so certain Ezra was attracted to them. And now, now they could understand. They smiled to themself, the realisation washing over them at last that Ezra was  _ trans. _ Not only might they have a chance, but it would be a chance with someone just a step removed from the cis men they had to deal with daily, who were always so callous and never understanding. Of course, it didn't guarantee acceptance or safety, but it made AJ smile; the thought that they could be comfortable with a man. 

Ezra shifted slightly, his grip on AJ's hand tightening briefly, and AJ gave the softest sigh, wriggling down just enough to let their head fall onto Ezra's shoulder, red curls cascading down his chest and arm, even brushing their hands as AJ shifted a little closer, feeling that warmth. 

However, they were still lost in thought, and as they let their thigh brush Ezra's, a new realisation bobbed to the surface. 

They didn't know how to work a trans man. They'd been working cis men for years, it was second nature by this point. They knew where to touch, what to say, how to say it, how to touch, when to squeeze and back off, how to move their tongue. AJ could have written several books, but they'd never had a client who was a trans man, and once again, they had that feeling of being lost without a map. 

It wasn't a nice feeling, they weren't used to it, they were usually so in control and ready, and it was alien and uncomfortable to not know what to do next. 

The end credits suddenly shook AJ out of their thoughts, and they smiled at Ezra, biting their lip nervously. "Did you enjoy it?" 

"Yeah, it was...it was good," Ezra said slowly, then blushed again. "Especially watching it with you." 

AJ swallowed and tried to brush this off, but it clung, hanging on in the back of their mind. "Good, I'm glad," they managed, and Ezra's hand slowly slid from AJ's, leaving their hand feeling cold and light. They almost grabbed at him, but held back, trembling ever so slightly with nerves. 

Slowly, Ezra struggled off the bed and stood up slightly awkwardly, so AJ scrambled up beside him, wrapping a lock of their hair around their finger and tugging lightly. 

"Thank you for inviting me round," Ezra said awkwardly, and AJ nodded, their throat feeling as if it was made of sandpaper. 

"Thank you for coming," they answered, wincing internally at the stiff formality of it all. "I'll um...walk you to the door." 

Ezra nodded and they opened their bedroom door, leading him down the hall and waiting while he put his shoes on. Then he straightened up and AJ was close to him, too close to him, not close enough. Their faces were inches apart, able to feel each other's breath on their skin. Ezra's eyes widened slightly, then flickered downwards, and AJ's gaze wandered as well, down to those perfect lips, wondering how they would feel, how warm they were, how soft. Their eyes dragged up again and Ezra was watching them intently, studying every feature of their face. 

And then AJ began to lean in slightly, their gaze going back and forth between Ezra's lips and eyes, a soft little sigh escaping from their lungs. But they stopped themself barely an inch from Ezra's lips, backing away suddenly, insecurity biting. Ezra opened his eyes, surprise registering on his expression briefly, then embarrassment. AJ hugged themself tightly, fear welling up as they realised Ezra could be angry, he could- 

There was a laugh from the living room, recognisable as Dagon's voice, and AJ snapped out of their spiral, blinking at Ezra worriedly as a different panic flooded through them. 

"I'll see you soon," he said simply, and AJ nodded, wanting to grab him back, but not daring to touch him as he opened the door and slipped out hurriedly. 

As soon as he was gone, AJ fled back to their room, the tears already welling up as they shut and locked their bedroom door behind them, sliding down to sit on the floor and hugging their knees to their chest shakily. Everything was just too much, all the fear and nervousness and hope. This feeling of complete and utter attraction - _ infatuation, _ even - was completely new to AJ, and they hated the way it hurt, burning in their chest, pushing them to do things that made them nervous. 

They'd never had a problem with kissing people before. They'd never hesitated. But as much as they desperately, desperately wanted to kiss Ezra, they couldn't. 

Hot tears welled up and streamed down, and AJ let them spill, fingertips digging into their own skin as they held themself tighter. They were shaking all over, rocked by the force of their attraction and fear. 

There had simply been too much happening that evening, too many revelations and emotions they hadn't felt in too long, or, in some cases, ever. And underneath it all, throbbing like a pulse, was that doubt, that little voice telling them that they weren't good enough for him anyway, that there was no way he'd want a thing like them. It was all so completely overwhelming, and AJ just sat there for a while, crying until they were too exhausted to continue. 

Once AJ finally wiped the last of their tears away, they stood up, stumbling slightly, then began their usual bedtime routine, shaking the whole way through. The trembles were worst when they tried to take their medication, and they dropped their pill on the bed a few times before finally swallowing it.

As soon as everything was finally done and AJ felt as if their anxiety had been lessened as much as possible, they climbed into bed and sank into an uneasy sleep. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! I'm updating a little early just because I felt like it lol   
> I'm having a bit of a rough patch atm mental health wise and updating stories always makes me feel better :)   
> Also, I don't know if any of you know about the Good Omens mini bang event that's going to be in July? I think - anyway, I'm writing a piece for that and I just met my artist, which is very exciting!   
> Anyway, enough rambling from me, I hope you all are well and enjoyed the chapter!   
> Oh yeah, one last thing, there will be some heavier warnings for abuse and transphobia in the next chapter, so please look at the notes! I'll probably add something to make it easier for people to skip the scene in question as well :)   
> ♡♡♡


	8. Chapter Eight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **WARNING**  
> This chapter contains: panic attacks; mentions of past transphobia and sexual assault; sexual content including gender dysphoria, pain, slut shaming, and intense transphobia; and mentions of blood and injury. 
> 
> If you'd like to skip the sexual scene, when AJ leaves the club to go to the hotel, skip to the next break in text, if you want to avoid all graphic content including the blood/injury, skip the rest of the chapter from the point of AJ leaving the club. 
> 
> If you have any questions about any warnings, please contact me - there are ways to do so in my profile!

AJ was getting frantic. 

They couldn't breathe suddenly, their hands shaking, their emotions bubbling up and just boiling over, far too much to suppress. 

They ripped their locker open, completely forgetting about Ezra cleaning the sink in the corner and starting to yank everything out of their locker. It was after closing, everyone else had left, and they _couldn't find their earrings._

AJ had always firmly believed in 'everything in its place,' partially because it had been drilled into them from an early age, and partially because it made it much harder for others to steal from them. But after the emotional turmoil of the night before, the simple inability to find something was becoming a massive, massive stressor. 

They could feel the tears coming already, their movements jerky and shaky, their breath hitching and trembling. 

"AJ? Do you need some help?" Ezra asked softly, suddenly beside them, and they rounded on him, their fury now provided with a target. 

"Does it look like I need fucking help? Someone's stolen my earrings!" AJ snarled, and immediately regretted it when they saw the look of shock pass over Ezra's face. But, to their surprise, he didn't move away or shout back. Instead, he gently pushed AJ away from the locker, standing between them and it. They tried to push past him, grabbing one of their costumes and trying to pull it out of the locker, but Ezra caught their arm carefully, still being as gentle as possible as he pushed them away. 

"Hey, hey," he murmured, but AJ was too far gone, already breaking down into quiet, trembling sobs, the tears running down their cheeks. "No, don't cry," Ezra soothed, his hand landing on AJ's shoulder, rubbing slowly, gentle circles. "Come here, that's it," he went on, his touch ever so careful, pulling AJ into him, into his arms, and to their own shock, AJ melted. 

It was so freeing, letting themself fall into Ezra's arms, his grip so gentle and yet so protective, so affirming. They felt safe and warm and, despite the fact that no one else had ever been able to calm them down mid-meltdown, their tears were already slowing.

AJ simply let go, letting their mind shut down, their eyes close up as they buried their face in that warm neck, felt that gentle hand in their hair. All they could sense was Ezra, his soft humming, the way he was rocking them slightly, that strong arm tight around their waist. 

It went on for what felt like years, Ezra's grip constant, his voice cutting in every now and then to say something comforting, his fingertips occasionally pressing into AJ's scant flesh. 

But AJ didn't realise just how much they'd needed it until Ezra was pulling away, no longer touching them, their body suddenly cold and heavy. They very nearly broke down sobbing again, the realisation of just how starved for affection they were hitting them full in the chest, knocking the wind from their lungs. 

AJ was touched all the time in their work, in ways that most would call intimate, but that simple hug had felt more intimate than all the nights they'd ever worked put together. They'd felt wanted, cared for, valued, and now Ezra was smiling at them worriedly, his hands returning to their shoulders, squeezing them tightly. 

"Hey. Look at me. We'll find these earrings together, okay? I promise." 

AJ nodded, and Ezra seemed to hesitate before turning around. 

"Tell me what they look like." 

AJ hugged themself tightly, sniffling as they tried to figure out how to cope with the massive overload of affection that had been so suddenly bestowed and then broken off. "They're j-just like...little dangling teardrops," they mumbled, and Ezra nodded, crouching down and starting to sort through the mess on the floor. "I always put them in my jewelry box," AJ added lamely, that acute sense of embarrassment rushing in, flooding their body, flushing their cheeks. "I-I'm sorry." 

Ezra clicked his tongue, starting to fold the costumes that had been on the floor and placing them on the bench carefully. "Don't apologise. It's been a long night," he pointed out softly, and AJ managed to relax slightly, still feeling shaky and tearful. 

"They're not on the floor," Ezra announced after a moment or two, then straightened up, pulling AJ's jewelry box out of the locker and opening it. There was a very brief pause, and then he turned, holding up a pair of gold teardrop earrings. 

"They were in your box, magpie," he chuckled, and AJ's face crumpled, the tears already threatening. 

"I-I'm sorry! I c-couldn't-" 

But they were cut off by Ezra gently guiding them into a hug, his fingers sliding into their hair, cradling the back of their head. 

"Shhh," he soothed as they simply melted all over again, the sensation of being held so tenderly feeling even better than orgasmic to AJ. "I've got you, and there's nothing to apologise for," Ezra went on in the same soft tones, rocking them again ever so slightly. "Just take deep breaths, AJ. We all panic over little things sometimes, I understand." 

Once again, he began to pull away, and AJ had to stop themself from grabbing him back, squeezing him tighter, not letting him leave them. But they let go anyway, staring down at the floor as Ezra's hand slipped from their hair. 

"Thank you," they mumbled, and Ezra sighed softly. 

"I'd stay and keep you company, but I need to get home for-" 

"If you stay until I finish changing, I'll drive you home," AJ interrupted hurriedly. They'd accepted having to let go of Ezra's embrace, but they weren't ready to watch him leave the building, not without them, anyway. 

Ezra seemed to freeze, biting his lip hard, not meeting AJ's gaze. "I...it's fine, I can walk, I mean...thank you, but-" 

"Come on," AJ urged gently, flashing him a bright smile. "I owe you for taking me home." 

"You don't owe me anything," Ezra said hurriedly, and AJ sighed, gently taking his wrist and tugging on it lightly. 

"Come on! You told me it's only a couple streets away, it won't be any trouble," they smiled, then stepped closer to him, laughing softly. "You're always so nice to me, let me be nice to you."

Ezra nodded, looking slightly reluctant. 

"Alright. I'll go and lock up and get my stuff together while you change." 

About ten minutes later, AJ was walking Ezra to their car, getting in behind the wheel and leaning over to help Ezra wrench the passenger door open. 

"Sorry, it's a bit sticky," AJ sighed, and Ezra nodded, smiling faintly. 

"It's fine," he said, getting in and buckling his seatbelt hurriedly. AJ started the car and pulled out of the parking lot, then out into the road. They tried making conversation, but Ezra seemed very tense suddenly, only giving very short answers, so they left him alone. 

He directed them to his house quietly, letting out a quiet sigh when AJ pulled up outside the little house, turning the engine off. Ezra glanced at them, then smiled, although it looked a bit forced. 

"Thanks for the ride," he said softly, and reached over, his fingers wrapping around AJ's, squeezing gently and only for a moment before withdrawing, leaving AJ suddenly cold. "Take care of yourself, I'll see you tomorrow." 

"Yeah, see you," AJ responded quietly, their voice coming out a little hoarse, their throat feeling dry after that tender touch. 

Ezra flashed a slightly brighter smile and then got out of the car. AJ watched him go, watched until he slipped into the house and shut the door behind him. Then they smiled to themself, turning the key in the ignition again. They'd made sure their guardian angel got home safe. 

The thought shocked them, the term popping up so easily, seeming so natural. But it was right. He'd patched them up, walked them home, seen them through one of their panic attacks; he couldn't be anything other than an angel. 

AJ nodded slightly, pulling away from the curb to head home, still thinking about Ezra and his gentle touch, his calming presence. Something about him just made them feel better when he was around. They thought about his smile and bit their lip lightly. Only someone completely genuine could have a smile as beautiful and bright as that, so wonderfully, painfully sweet. He seemed so out of place in the club, such a beautiful, genuine soul in a place AJ couldn’t help but think of as depraved. Just thinking about him made them feel happy and safe, and by the time they made it home, they were still smiling, heading to their room to begin their bedtime routine feeling lighter than usual. 

* * *

The next night, however, AJ was a little nervous. They'd been teased or yelled at enough times over their meltdowns that Ezra's calmness about it had seemed odd, and now they couldn't help worrying that he would be awkward with them. So when they approached the bar after their set, they couldn't help but feel anxious, right up until Ezra turned around and smiled. 

"Oh, hey! You want a drink?" 

AJ's shoulders dropped and they quickly took a seat on the stool directly in front of Ezra, nodding as they relaxed. "Could I have one of that special one you make, please?" They asked, and Ezra smiled, setting a cup down in front of them. 

"Sure," he answered simply, and AJ watched, their chin in their hand, while he mixed the drink, pouring it into the cup with a slight flourish. "There you are," he grinned, and AJ took it with a bright smile and a polite 'thank you.'

Ezra leaned towards them slightly, his smile as sweet as ever. "You're always welcome. How are you feeling today? You look happier." 

AJ hesitated for a moment, not sure about getting too personal, but just smiled. "Yeah, I'm not so stressed today," they answered, and Ezra nodded, watching as they took a sip from their drink. 

"Good," he said, and that seemed to be it. "Did you watch that show I recommended? The _Atypical_ one?" 

AJ blinked, surprised that Ezra wasn't pushing for more information or teasing them. "Uh, no, not yet," they smiled, biting their lip lightly. "I've not had much time to watch TV lately." 

"That's probably a good thing, I guess," Ezra pointed out, and AJ took a long drink from their cup, glancing around and pulling their hoodie closer around them. 

"Probably."

"I always watch stuff on the bus, I seem to forever be on the bus," Ezra chuckled, and AJ looked at him, at the odd expression in his eyes. 

"I don't really like taking the bus," they said without thinking, and Ezra asked before they could realise what they'd left themself open for. 

"Why's that?" 

It was an innocent enough question, but it made AJ's stomach turn. They didn't know what to say, they didn't want to tell him why, not yet. They couldn't tell him about the man who'd grabbed them, about the way his hand had felt. Or the time another man had pinned them to the wall when they were standing up and felt them up before calling them a handful of slurs and spitting on them. 

"I get motion sick," they mumbled, and Ezra seemed to realise he'd hit a nerve, reaching out and gently taking AJ's hand. Their heart leapt, their throat suddenly tight, and they glanced up to see Ezra looking at them, his eyes soft and full of knowing, understanding compassion. 

"There's a movie coming out soon I'd like to go see," Ezra announced quietly, leaning forward on the bar, his other hand reaching out, cradling AJ's in both of his. "But I don't think I'm going to get the chance." 

AJ nodded slightly, glad for the change of subject, but they were having trouble listening with his thumb on their knuckles, warm skin against theirs. And they could see Michael across the club, staring. 

"Are you alright?" 

AJ shuddered, tearing their gaze away from Michael and back to Ezra. "Y-yeah, sorry. I'm a bit...jumpy tonight," they mumbled, and Ezra nodded, squeezing their hand gently. 

"Can I do anything to help?" He asked, his voice gentle and genuine, and AJ swallowed, shaking their head and forcing a smile. They felt uneasy, watched, and wanted to withdraw their hand, but it felt too good to give up, they couldn't just let go of Ezra's touch like that. They looked up into those caring blue eyes and their smile became a little wider, more relaxed. 

"No, I'm okay. I'll be okay," they said, just as a heavy hand landed on their shoulder. 

"AJ?" 

Ezra's hands were suddenly busy, industriously wiping the bar to the side of AJ. 

"He wants to see you," Michael announced, and AJ's heart sank. They were feeling delicate, on the edge, their interactions with Ezra leaving them fragile, and that wasn't a good state to be in to see this particular client. 

"His car is out back, the driver will take you to the hotel. Take plain clothes with you, but go in your costume." 

AJ nodded, closing their eyes for a moment as Michael walked away. Then they got up hurriedly, shoving their shaking hands in their hoodie pocket. Ezra quickly leaned over the bar, reaching out, but AJ was already forcing a smile again, this time having to try much, much harder. 

"I have to go, I'll...I'll see you later," they said simply, and Ezra stared for a moment, clearly worried, but then nodded. 

"Okay...I'll see you." 

AJ nodded and turned, trying to ignore their trembles as they headed into the back. They opened their locker, standing stock still and silent in all the noise, their heart pounding in their ears as they checked their phone. A text from the hated client was there on their screen, laying out a list of instructions. AJ winced and closed their eyes tightly for a second, then quickly grabbed their bag, stuffing it with everything they needed and hurrying out of the club. 

The driver was waiting, so they got into the car and curled up in the backseat, staring off at nothing. The car was expensive and the interior was all in leather, and they couldn't help feeling out of place, as if they'd make the seats dirty if they weren't careful. 

The trip was fairly short, and they knew every turning, having driven themself there plenty of times, and once they'd arrived, they thanked the driver politely and got out of the car, slipping into the hotel. They got the key from reception and headed through the halls, glancing around nervously as they went. 

It wasn't a fancy hotel by any stretch of the imagination, the word that came to mind was 'budget,' but it was clean enough, and the rooms didn't smell bad, so AJ knew it could have been worse. 

It took them a while to find the right room, and they took a breath before slipping inside and walking over to the bed. The instructions were printed as well, laid out along with all the toys. AJ ran an eye over the spread gloomily, then got to work. 

They stripped slowly, folding every item carefully, then buckled the black leather collar around their neck, wincing as they did so. They plaited their hair and carefully fitted the chastity cage with shaking hands, hating the feeling of the cold metal on their skin. The plug the client had laid out was fairly small, and AJ didn't have too much trouble getting it in, although it was a little long for their taste. They checked the instructions again, then pulled on the leather jock strap, trying not to catch their reflection in the mirror. AJ swore that the client knew every little thing that made them dysphoric and did his best to force them to do each one as often as possible. Jock straps were one of the particularly loathed items, highlighting a part of themself that they would rather ignore. They set the collection of whips and paddles to the side and laid down on their stomach, then checked their phone again. They sent a quick text to the client to let him know they were ready, then relaxed as best they could, settling down to wait. 

He must have been camping out somewhere, because it was only a few minutes before AJ heard the door open and shut and a deep chuckle. 

"What a good little sissy boy," he purred, and AJ didn't move, listening to his footsteps as he walked around the room slowly. "All ready for me, hmm? Ass up." 

AJ shifted obediently, folding their legs under them and rocking slightly, invitingly. 

"What a dirty little slut you are. Just begging me to fuck you now, hmm?" The voice purred, sending stirrings of hatred through AJ's stomach, directed at both the client and themself. They felt sick. 

"It's a good thing you have me, really. I'm the only one who knows how to take care of you, you filthy faggot slut. You need to remember your place, that even with you whoring around, I'm the one that takes care of you. You’re going to take your punishment, and only then will you get my cock." 

AJ closed their eyes, trying to tune it out, but it was as if the little voice in their head that berated them twenty four-seven had been given flesh. He seemed to know everything that went on inside AJ's mind. 

"You better be all caged up, hmm? Don't want a slut like you to cum before you’re supposed to. I know you would, little whore." 

The flogger came down unexpectedly, whistling through the air and slapping hard. AJ jolted, but bit back the cry, not wanting him to decide they needed a gag. The bastard had gone straight for the flogger with metal tips. 

"Just what you deserve, isn't it?" 

The plug was yanked from them and there was the sound of a belt buckle jingling just before the bed sank. AJ tried not to tense, but the flogger licked their ribs with twenty tongues of fire just before there were hands on their hips. He thrusted-

AJ curled tighter, the hot shower water thundering down on their sore and bloodied back. It felt good, almost like a second punishment, but one that they were entirely in control of. They needed to get that control back, the stinging taking away from their vague memories. 

Every session since their first with that client, they'd never been quite able to remember the hours spent under his hands, but it was for the best, all in all. The bruises and cuts were reminders enough. 

AJ shifted and slowly stood up, having to grab onto the shower caddy as they swayed unsteadily. They fell against the cold tiles, gasping at the freezing sensation, then leaning into it, feeling it numb their skin. Their hands shook as they tried to wash their hair, their body. Rust-coloured water ran down their legs, then over the white tiles at their feet to the drain. 

They shuddered, the tears spilling unregarded down their cheeks as they hugged themself tightly, soft sobs bubbling up, breaking through the shock at last to give AJ that minuscule release of expressing their emotions.

They didn't know how long they just stood there and cried, but after a while, they forced their trembling legs to carry them out of the shower, wrapping themself in a towel. AJ stepped into their slippers and shuffled painfully out of the bathroom and all the way to their bedroom. 

Still trembling all over, they dried off and slipped their pajamas on, then stood and began to get their jars out stiffly, dividing the wad of money from their bag carefully. Then they took their pill and collapsed into bed, pulling the blankets around them and burrowing into their pillows, finally passing out from sheer exhaustion and pain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys!  
> I hope you enjoyed this chapter, I know things are rough everywhere at the moment, so I hope this update can make you feel a bit distracted from everything going on at the moment.  
> That said, please consider supporting the Black Lives Matter movement if you haven't already! I live in the UK but I was born in America, and I'm appalled at what's going on in the States at the moment. The use of force by police is outrageous and a complete violation of not only human rights, but also basic human decency and morality.  
> The main link I've been using to find ways to donate/help is here: (https://blacklivesmatter.carrd.co/). There are loads of links that accept international donations as well as ways to help without donations.  
> I hope you all stay safe, and, because it's pride month as well, don't forget that Stonewall was a riot and the whole movement came from trans POC. Oh, and remember that ACAB :)  
> <3<3<3


	9. Chapter Nine

Ezra hadn't seen AJ for a few days. According to David, they'd called in sick to their last two shifts, first with a cold, and then with a twisted ankle. David had seemed worried, but he hadn't said anything directly, so Ezra hadn't pushed.

When the dancers had been stretching on stage that night, though, Ezra had been relieved to see a flash of red and gold. He hadn't been able to watch, too busy helping David with a new keg for the taps, but it had soothed his worries just knowing AJ was at the club. 

By the time they'd finished with the keg, the dancers had gone back to the dressing room, so Ezra got back to work, wiping everything down and getting fully ready before the doors opened. 

AJ's set was on a little earlier than usual, and the bar wasn't too busy, so Ezra got to slack off and watch for a few minutes. However, all it did was make him more worried. Something about the way they moved was off. They looked stiff and unhappy, not losing themself like they usually did, their expression cold and flat. There were less cheers from the crowd, less rattling in the tip jar, and Ezra sighed when they finished and walked up to the bar, limping ever so slightly. 

"Hey. Drink?" He suggested, and AJ nodded, slowly sitting down and leaning their arms on the bar, their head on their arms. Ezra began to mix the drink, looking down at AJ's wrist and wishing he hadn't. They were wearing some very heavy-duty makeup, covering almost all of their forearm, but at their wrist, the only one that was visible, it had begun to sweat off - leaving the dark, nasty bruising underneath completely visible. 

Ezra winced and quickly poured the drink into a cup, then took AJ's hand gently, squeezing as tightly as he dared, not wanting to hurt them. They lifted their head slowly and Ezra frowned, his other hand going up to their cheek instead, his fingertips stroking over their skin. 

"Are you okay?" 

For a moment, AJ looked as if they were about to cry. Then they forced a smile and nodded, tilting their head into the touch slightly. 

"Yeah, I'm fine. How are you?" 

"Good," Ezra answered doubtfully, suspecting that AJ wasn't telling the truth, but worried about making them uncomfortable if he pushed too hard. "Tired, though." 

AJ nodded, just as Michael walked up, leaning on the bar and apparently not noticing as Ezra withdrew his hand hurriedly. 

"Crowley, go help Bea with her costume," Michael ordered, and AJ shot Ezra a look, then slid off the stool and hurried away. Ezra glanced along the bar to see David watching, definitely close enough to hear, his gaze tactfully blank as he stared past Michael. 

"Ezra, I like you, you're a good bartender," Michael began slowly, a smile on her mouth, but her eyes cold and hard. "Which is why I'm telling you this in a nice way. When I thought you just wanted to fuck her, it was cute, but this...fraternising? Crowley is off-limits, you understand? This cannot become a ‘thing,’ your job hinges on her remaining single. She has an important client who puts a lot of money into this club and keeps us under the radar, and if she starts getting distracted when she should be fucking him, you will lose your job. Do you understand?" 

A freezing bolt of fear shot through Ezra's chest and he took a sharp breath in. "Fraternising?" He echoed, then gave a hollow, forced chuckle. "I'm not even friends with A-...Crowley, let alone trying to date them! They're not really my type, and anyway, I'm straight," he said all in one rush, wincing internally at how obvious it was that he was lying. Michael gave him a look that went on for far too long, then nodded slightly. 

"Fine. Make sure nothing starts. Okay?"

"Of course. There's no chance of that," Ezra answered more confidently, starting to get comfortable in the lie. "Definitely not. They're um.." he tried to come up with something bad to say, but every part of him protested. "A bit too much of a diva." 

He hated himself for saying it, but Michael smiled, nodding slightly. 

"Couldn't agree more," she said, then walked off, and Ezra relaxed, his shoulders dropping. He leaned against the bar for a moment, then sighed and turned, catching David's eye. He looked at Ezra for a moment, his expression carefully blank, then deliberately went back to slicing lemons. 

Ezra swallowed, his mouth dry, his hands trembling. "I um...need a break," he mumbled to David, who just nodded, so he hurried out from behind the bar and out of the staff entrance, grabbing his coat on the way. 

The cold air hit him full in the face and he took a deep breath, slipping his coat on and leaning back against the wall as he tried to get his unsteady breathing under control. 

Now that he had time and space and quiet to think, Ezra was finally realising the full extent of what Michael had said. AJ didn't just strip or give lap dances. They had sex with clients. 

Ezra felt his throat close up, the tears pricking at the corners of his eyes. He didn't know how he felt, he didn't know how to handle this new information. He wanted to support them, he knew that he should feel perfectly fine with the idea of them doing the more hands-on side of sex work, but it was so complicated. 

After all, he'd thought they were in an abusive relationship to start with - what if their injuries had been caused by a client? 

Ezra's chest began to feel tight, his hands shaking, the world spinning around him. He grabbed his phone from his coat pocket, fumbling and nearly dropping it before pressing the call button. 

It rang twice before Anathema picked up, sounding worried. 

"Ez? Shouldn't you be working?" 

Ezra managed to take a deep, shuddering breath, leaning his head back against the wall and closing his eyes. "Y-yeah, I...I'm having a panic attack," he forced out, and Anathema clicked her tongue. 

"Alright, it's okay. Take deep breaths, yeah? In for five, hold for three, out for five, you can do it," she soothed, her voice gentle and slow, exactly what Ezra needed to hear. He managed to get his breathing calm and slow once again, his hands still shaking as he opened his eyes and just stared at the ground. 

"What's going on, Ezra?" Anathema prompted gently, and he just sighed, shaking his head slightly. 

"I don't...I don't want to talk about it while I'm at work. I'll...can we talk in the morning?" He mumbled, glancing around nervously and hugging himself with his spare arm. 

"Yeah, of course. I'll be here, I'm going to be up late for an assignment anyway, if you need to call again or anything." 

"Thank you," Ezra sighed, and bit his lip lightly. "I should go."

"Yeah, you should. I'll see you when you get home, yeah?" 

"Yeah, see you then." 

Ezra hung up and slipped his phone back into his pocket, then took a deep breath and forced himself to walk back into the club. 

He did his best to think only about work, throwing himself into making drinks and cleaning. It worked, up until he turned to hand a drink to a customer and saw AJ waiting, leaning against the bar and smiling. 

Feeling sick and anxious, Ezra walked over uneasily, managing a small smile. "Hey. You want a drink?" 

"No, just to talk to you," AJ answered simply, reaching across the bar to try to take Ezra's hand. He jerked away sharply, his heart pounding in his chest, his whole being feeling heavy and uncomfortable when he saw the disappointment and hurt on AJ's face. 

They covered it up quite quickly, however, pretending that nothing had happened. 

"What do you want to talk about?" Ezra asked guiltily, fervently wishing he didn't have to push them away. As confused as he was about their profession, he still liked them, he still wanted...well, he didn't know exactly what he wanted, but he knew the attraction was still there, pulling him towards them. 

AJ shrugged, flashing a smile that looked a little uncertain. "I don't know, really. Just...I like talking to you," they admitted softly, and Ezra swallowed, a flare of emotion bursting in his chest. 

"Did you watch that show yet?" 

AJ pulled a face and shook their head. "Sorry, I've been really busy again, and it's so hard to get into new shows."

Ezra laughed softly and began to relax, easily falling into that happy chatter, enjoying simply talking to AJ. His friend. And that's what they had to stay - friends. 

It ached, but Ezra felt he could manage it. After all, he hadn't really thought he had a chance with them anyway, so what difference did it make? 

After a while, AJ leaned further over the bar, red hair sliding off their shoulders, so close that Ezra could imagine running his fingers through it. 

"Maybe you could come to mine after we finish? We could watch something together again," they smiled, and Ezra froze, glancing up and noticing with a shudder that Michael was watching him from near the stage door, her arms folded over her chest. 

"Uh, n-no, I can't, I'm afraid," Ezra mumbled hurriedly, then winced when he remembered AJ's erratic, rather too fast driving. He wasn't sure he wanted to ride with them for a while anyway. He needed some time to forget the gripping fear and the way his flashbacks had threatened to pounce. 

AJ seemed surprised, but nodded, then looked around and slid off their stool. "Okay. Maybe another night. I've got to get back to work, I'll see you later." 

Ezra nodded, watching them walk off with a heavy heart, then turning away to see what David needed help with. 

When Ezra got home, the house was dark, so he made his way to his room as quietly as he could and sank down onto the edge of the bed. He sat for a moment, staring at nothing, then began to undress, taking his prosthesis off carefully. He cleaned it and set it aside for the morning, then sighed as he crawled into bed, flopping on his stomach and closing his eyes. 

Just as he was beginning to drift off, his phone buzzed, so he grabbed at it, squinting at the screen sleepily. 

_ Unknown, 3:47  _

_ Hey, it's AJ, I got your number off the staff roster. You seemed a bit down tonight, so I thought I'd check that you're okay xx  _

Ezra sighed deeply and typed out a quick response, then saved the contact and dropped his phone to the bed. 

_ Ezra, 3:48 _

_ I'm okay, thanks x  _

And he fell asleep uneasily, sinking into nightmares and anxious, odd dreams. 

* * *

The next day was a Saturday, so Ezra woke quite late and heaved himself up with his crutches, heading into the kitchen driven by hunger. 

Anathema was sitting at the kitchen table, eating a sandwich with a book open in front of her, and looked up when Ezra entered. 

"Hey. You okay? You look like shit," she commented, and he rolled his eyes, opening his cupboard to pull out a box of cereal. 

"Not great." 

"Do you want to talk about it? Your phone call had me worried," Anathema pressed gently, and Ezra winced, pouring some cereal into a bowl and adding a splash of coconut milk. 

"Yeah, I...I don't know. I'm still...processing." 

"Then process with me," Anathema suggested, shutting her book and kicking the chair out across from her. Ezra handed her the bowl so he could handle his crutches more easily, then made his way to the chair, collapsing into it obediently. 

"Fine. Michael, the owner of the club, basically threatened me," he began, poking at his cereal with his spoon. "She told me AJ is...well, a prostitute, and that if I try to become more than friends with them, I'll lose my job." 

Anathema blinked, looking shocked for a moment before swallowing. "Damn. That's a lot in one go. How do you feel about them...being a sex worker?" 

Ezra sighed, putting his spoon down. "I'm not sure that I like it, but it doesn't change the fact that I'm attracted to them and I like them as a person, and it doesn't matter anyway, because we can't have a relationship." 

"Maybe not, but you can have a friendship," Anathema pointed out gently, and Ezra nodded, the bitter anger stirring in his stomach. 

"I guess. I don't want Michael thinking that it's more, though. I need this job." 

"I know. Maybe...don't go to their house again, meet up outside the club instead? Then Michael won't know and it won't seem like more than friends. And you'll probably be giving them something different that they don't do every day." 

Ezra nodded, stirring his cereal again and trying not to sigh too much. "Yeah.." 

"Also, you should talk to Mrs. Tracy," Anathema added thoughtfully, flashing him a smile. “You know she used to be involved in the drag scene, I bet she knows some of these people. And she might have some tips on dealing with AJ and their profession. She's the one who recommended that job to you, after all." 

Ezra blinked, staring at Anathema in thoughtful surprise. "You think she’d be able to talk to me about AJ’s...work?" 

Anathema laughed, tossing her hair back behind her shoulders. "Yeah, I'm pretty sure she was in the same line of work for quite a while, alongside the drag." 

"I really can't imagine that," Ezra chuckled, and Anathema smiled, giving a small shrug. 

"Me neither, if it comes to it. But I'm sure she'd be willing to talk to you about things, and I bet she'd have some great advice for you." 

"I'll give her a call," Ezra nodded, leaning back in his chair and forcing a smile. "I just wish life was easier. I have enough on my plate without falling for someone I can't have." 

Anathema arched an eyebrow, surprise flickering across her expression. "Falling? I thought you were just attracted to them?" 

Ezra felt his cheeks flush, his mouth dropping open to rush out a reply. "I-I...it's just a figure of speech, that's all, I-" 

But she waved him into silence, then leaned over the table and took his hand gently. "You are a sweet, kind person, Ezra. I know you think you aren't, but you are. And I've seen you fall for people far too quickly quite a few times. I just don't want you hurt again." 

Ezra sighed and squeezed her hand, then shook his head slightly. "I know. But...AJ is the first person I've even...considered in a romantic way since Ash, and...and before that.." he trailed off, and Anathema nodded, running her thumb over his knuckles slowly. "I just...it feels different. They're...really nice to me, they texted me last night to ask if I was okay." 

Anathema smiled sadly and let her hand slip from his. "I trust you to know what you're doing, I just...don't want to see you get your heart broken, you know?" 

"I think it might be inevitable with AJ, no matter how nice they are," Ezra pointed out with a shaky chuckle, and Anathema sighed. 

"Maybe. Call Mrs. Tracy, okay? Ask her for a chat." 

* * *

Ezra sighed to himself nervously, shutting the door to his flat behind him and glancing at his watch. Mrs. Tracy had invited him to hers for a chat that afternoon, and since she was the owner of the building and therefore his landlady, she lived in the flat right down the hall from his. Ezra had talked to her quite a few times, going over for tea and helping her with odd jobs every now and then, but he’d never really spoken with her about her life before they’d met, or anything as personal as his relationship with AJ. They’d talked quite a bit when he’d been fired from his last job, but that had felt like small talk compared to the idea of telling her about AJ and asking for her advice on...well, trying to date a sex worker. He couldn’t really think of any other way to put it, even in the privacy of his own head - after all, dating  _ was _ what he wanted, despite everything. 

Biting his lip, Ezra knocked on the door, hearing a faint ‘come in’ in answer and pushing the door open carefully. 

“Come in, dear!” Mrs. Tracy called again, her voice friendly and excited. “I’m just in the kitchen making tea, but feel free to sit down!” 

Ezra nodded to himself, walking over to the table in the main room and sitting down, fiddling with the edges of the lacy tablecloth just as he heard the clink of china and looked up to see Mrs. Tracy walking over with a tray. She smiled at him, setting the tray down and sitting in the chair across from him. 

“Milk and sugar?” She asked simply, and Ezra just nodded, watching as she poured the tea out slowly. 

“How are you?” He mumbled, feeling as if he should fill the silence, and she looked up, smiling again in that particularly friendly way of hers. 

“I’m well, thank you. How are things with you? You sounded worried on the phone,” she commented, setting the teapot down carefully and picking up the milk jug. She added a dash to each teacup, then a spoon of sugar in each and handed Ezra one of the cups. He took it by the saucer and set it down in front of him, looking down into the tea thoughtfully. 

“I’m doing okay. Thanks for the tea, and for talking to me today. I know you’re probably busy,” he sighed, picking up the cup and hesitating before taking a sip. 

Mrs. Tracy just shrugged. “I don’t do very much during the day anymore, it’s no trouble. The blessing and curse of being retired, I suppose. And the weather’s been a bit cold to go out walking too much.” 

Ezra nodded agreement, finding the tea to be rather too milky and sweet for his taste, but dutifully taking another sip. “It has been cold. Dry, at least.”    
“Mmm, that’s something, I suppose,” Mrs. Tracy smiled, tilting her head slightly. “How’s the new job going? I don’t think we’ve spoken since you started work.”

Sighing, Ezra set his cup down, looking down at the tablecloth and biting his lip ever so lightly. “That’s um...well, that’s kind of what I wanted to talk about. It’s going...it’s going well,” he began slowly, trying to figure out how to phrase things he hadn’t even been able to articulate to himself. “The actual work is fine, but um...there’s this...this person.” 

Mrs. Tracy gave a soft chuckle and Ezra looked up sharply to see her smiling at him in a kind, slightly amused way. “There always is, isn’t there?” She said brightly, and Ezra forced an answering smile, feeling a bit uncertain. 

“Yeah, they’re um...I like them. A lot, in a...romantic way. But they're one of the performers a-and I just found out that they're a sex worker. They're nonbinary and really sweet, and I...I really like them, but the manager said that I might lose my job if I get involved with them and...and I guess I just need advice,” he rushed out, his voice wobbling a bit as he looked away again, taking a sip from his tea to cover his embarrassment. 

Silence fell for a moment, making Ezra rather more nervous as he waited for some kind of response. Then Mrs. Tracy sighed quietly. 

“That’s quite a lot all at once. Do they...do you know if they just do dancing, or is it more?”    
Ezra winced, biting the inside of his cheek briefly before answering. “Uh, they um...they have sex, yeah. As well as the dancing,” he muttered, lifting his gaze back to Mrs. Tracy’s. “Am I...am I crazy for still wanting more?”    
“Why? Because of their work?” Mrs. Tracy shot back sharply, and Ezra nodded. 

“Yeah, I mean...I don’t blame them for it or anything, but surely it’s more difficult to have a relationship with someone who...is in that type of work. And the whole thing with my boss.” 

She paused for a moment, taking a long drink from her cup before answering. “Tell me more about how you feel. About everything. I don’t think you’re crazy, Ezra, I just think you’re facing something that could be quite difficult.” 

Swallowing, Ezra forced himself to hold her gaze, his fingers curling tighter around the handle of his cup. “Well, with finding out about their...work, I'm...upset, I suppose. I really care for them, and I worry about them, I think they get hurt by clients sometimes, which...I don't like that, for obvious reasons. A-and I guess I'm jealous. Other people get to touch them all the time and I'm there just...watching. It's hard not to feel like an afterthought. But...at the end of the day, we're not in a relationship, so it doesn't affect me, and even if it did, it's their choice what they do with their body, not mine,” he said slowly, seriously, making sure that every word was true to how he felt as he spoke. 

"Well said, and you're right," Mrs. Tracy smiled, folding her arms on the table. "It's their choice, as long as it is a choice, that is.” She tapped the table and leaned back with her tea cup, taking a small sip. “And jealousy can be dealt with. If you were in a relationship, you'd need to understand that what they get from you is wildly different to what they get from clients and what you get from them isn't what clients get from them. There's no intimacy in sex work, at least not at the level that club and its employees operate at. It'll be very clinical, and probably quite devoid of pleasure for your friend. You have to understand that, for them, sex with clients is a job, but intimacy with you is a privilege they've chosen. Does that make any sense?"

Ezra nodded and swirled the tea in his cup slightly, letting out a quiet sigh. "Yeah, I think it's going to take a lot of repeating that to myself to make much difference, though," he chuckled, and Mrs. Tracy smiled, nodding sympathetically. “I do want...I...I would love to be able to have a relationship with them, but...I think I’m just going to have to keep it as friends for now. Maybe something will change later, but with Michael and everything...it’s just not a good idea to actively seek more, I think.”

“I agree,” Mrs. Tracy answered immediately, leaning across the table to top up his cup. “Things might develop into more later, but for now, being friends is a very good start. And they could probably do with some more; I know for a lot of people, sex work is quite a lonely profession. Oh, and with your manager, be careful. I have mutual friends with Michael, and she doesn't make threats she doesn't follow up on. Now, do I get to guess who it might be? I know quite a few of the performers," she grinned, and Ezra blushed even darker, laughing as he sat back slightly. 

"Sure." 

She squinted at him for a minute, then tilted her head. "Crowley? They're always very popular." 

Ezra felt his cheeks burst into flame and nodded slightly, biting his lip hard. "They're...they're a lot of fun to talk to," he said quickly, and Mrs. Tracy laughed. 

"I'm sure. I've met them only very briefly, and they seemed very friendly. Don't worry, Ezra. Being attracted to a sex worker doesn't make you inherently creepy. You’re a very nice and caring young man, and I'm sure the way you feel about them is genuine,” she said as she patted his hand reassuringly.

Ezra nodded slightly, taking a drink from his tea in an attempt to give his cheeks time to cool down. "I...I want to know how to help them without...making them uncomfortable," he said slowly, then sighed. "And without overstepping the boundaries of friendship." 

Mrs. Tracy smiled, taking a sip from the mug in front of her. "What do you mean by 'help,' dear?" 

Shrugging, Ezra felt like folding in on himself, his cheeks still hot, his confusion and anxiety rising, making him feel choked and crushed. "I...I don't know, anything they need help with. I helped clean them up when they were hurt, I...I want to be there for them when they're upset, that kind of thing. I think they are lonely, to be honest." 

"Good," Mrs. Tracy chuckled, leaning back in her chair. "I was worried for a moment. Some people have this view that sex workers have to be saved from the job, so I wanted to know what you meant by helping them. As long as they've chosen to do sex work and want to continue, then they don't need help with that." 

"I know," Ezra replied quickly, flashing a slightly nervous smile. "I just want them to feel as happy and safe as they can." 

"Good, and if they don't feel the same about you, then it's not worth it," she pointed out, then paused, apparently deep in thought. "It's hard to say how to make them comfortable, because it's so different from person to person. But as a rule of thumb, don't push too hard in asking questions about their job. Most don't really like talking about it, and there's often a lot of internalised feelings of shame that come with the job. But I'm sure you two can find plenty of other things to talk about and enjoy together," she smiled, and Ezra nodded, looking down at the table again and giving a soft little sigh. 

"Oh, and remember their boundaries for physicality may be blurred," Mrs. Tracy added quickly, her expression more serious when Ezra looked up again. "They may think they're able to cope with more physical contact than they are, but it's different outside of work. Just be mindful that having a deeper relationship with someone, whether romantic or platonic, is probably going to be a bit new for them." 

Ezra swallowed, trying to push away the last little flashes of nervousness. "They seem to like holding my hand a lot," he commented, and Mrs. Tracy smiled. “And they like a lot of the same shows and movies and things as me,” he went on, starting to feel a little happier as he thought about the good times he’d spent with AJ. “We have nice text conversations, and I just...I find them really easy to talk to, like it just flows, you know?” 

Mrs. Tracy’s smile widened and she nodded, wrapping both hands around her cup. “That’s always a good start.”    
Rather encouraged by this, Ezra felt comfortable enough to go on, excitement rising in his chest. “I was thinking of maybe inviting them to the cinema or...or something. I think it would be nice if we could do stuff together outside of work, like...like friend stuff.”    
“I think that’s an excellent idea,” Mrs. Tracy answered quietly, sounding completely genuine. “If you have similar taste in TV, it makes sense that you’d both like the same sort of movies.” 

Ezra smiled and sat back in his seat, already feeling ten times better. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys!  
> Really fun announcement among everything going on at the moment - I'm bumping up the update schedule! The past few days my wonderful editor and I have been getting through the editing at a pretty good pace, so I've decided to have twice weekly updates, on Mondays and Fridays :) 
> 
> On a slightly different note, if you missed the notes on the last chapter, please donate to the BLM movement if you can! If you can protest, even better! I'm a bit limited with what I can do in the UK and with my mental health as it is at the moment, but I'm still doing my best, and I hope you all are too!  
> Stay safe and well! <3<3<3


	10. Chapter Ten

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains: self-critical internal monologue, disordered eating behaviour, panic attacks/dissociation, mention of very mild self-harm.

AJ jogged from the car, shrugging their coat on as their heels clicked on the tarmac. It was pouring, so they flipped their hood up, cursing to themself quietly and trying to tuck their hair under their coat so it didn't go all frizzy. They nearly ran into someone walking the other way, but dodged last minute, heart pounding as they pushed the pub door open and slipped into the warmth. 

There was a fire going in one corner, a welcome source of heat that AJ also found particularly comforting. Glancing around nervously, they finally spotted Ezra on his phone at a table in the corner and rushed over, nearly tripping over the carpet. They yanked the chair out across from Ezra and sank down, cheeks burning, just as he looked up. 

He smiled and AJ relaxed, that gentle blue gaze washing away the aches in their shoulders, scrubbing away the memories of the night before. 

"Hey, bad traffic?" He asked softly, and AJ rejoiced in the sound of a voice so devoid of roughness, so undemanding, so truly affectionate. 

"Yeah," they answered quietly, still blushing, but doing their best to ignore it as they shrugged their coat off and draped it over the back of their chair. "It's awful weather, isn't it?" 

"Horrible," Ezra agreed, leaning his elbow on the table and his chin in his hand, his beautiful gaze fixed on AJ, contemplating, studying. AJ shifted a bit, a little shy, but just smiled at him, getting more and more used to his long, thoughtful looks. 

In fact, they rather felt they were coming to enjoy them. It felt like being seen, and that wasn't something they encountered often in their work. They usually felt invisible, unwanted, simply existing like a living object. But Ezra looked at them as if he could keep on looking all day. 

"I haven't been out for lunch in...in ages," AJ said softly, glancing around at the interior again and swallowing. It wasn't the fanciest of pubs, but it was still a good sight nicer than most places AJ went to. They tended to favour McDonald's when eating out due to both price and convenience - not that they went out for food often in any case. 

"I've been here a couple times, it's pretty good for the price," Ezra answered, giving a little shrug, a smile tugging at the corner of his lips. "You look nice today, it's nice seeing you in...in something else," he mumbled, blushing already, and AJ took a deep breath. 

His actions at the club had confused them, he'd seemed even closer to them than before, even touching their cheek, but halfway through the night, he'd suddenly pulled away. AJ was sure they must have done something wrong, certainly it must have been something they'd done, but they'd been wracking their brain for days trying to figure it out, and hadn't come up with any answers. 

They let the breath out in a sigh and looked down at themself, at their simple silk button-up tucked into black jeans. They didn't really like the outfit much, but they'd figured that since it was their first time meeting Ezra outside the club, it made sense for them to tone themself down a bit - put themself in 'boy mode' as they'd always thought of it. Although they hadn't had the heart to put their hair up, leaving it spilling over their shoulders and back in its natural, bouncy curls, and giving them something to play with and hide behind when they were nervous. 

Despite their uncertainty about their clothes, AJ smiled and looked back at Ezra, their heart warm in their chest. 

"Thanks," AJ murmured, then nodded slightly. "You look nice too." 

Ezra's blush darkened, and hope flowered in AJ's stomach, although it mostly only served to add to their confusion. "Thank you. They're just my um...internship clothes."

AJ tilted their head, jumping on this thread into deeper conversation with eager joy. "You've never told me what that's about. Or what your degree is, either." 

Ezra cleared his throat, dropping his hand to the table and biting his lip nervously as his gaze slid away from AJ's. "I um...it's really nerdy," he laughed softly, and AJ just shrugged, waiting for him to expand. "I'm working on a Masters of Conservation of Historical Objects with a focus on historical documents. And, um...my thesis is about preservation of really old, delicate documents, like first edition books and manuscripts, so uh...yeah, that's what my internship is. I'm working on learning current techniques while developing my own and evaluating the use of current ones." 

AJ blinked, a sinking feeling dragging all the way to their feet. They'd known he was well-educated, they'd understood that, but hearing him talk about it really drove it home. Next to him, they were so, so  _ stupid.  _

They hadn't even finished secondary school, after all.

_ Just a stupid, ignorant, useless- _

"Anyway, it's not that-" 

"No, I think it's interesting," AJ protested quickly, then bit their tongue lightly when Ezra looked at them in shock. 

"Most people tell me to stop talking after the first thirty seconds," he chuckled, and AJ just laughed, falling back on what they knew. 

"I'm not most people," they answered in a flirty tone, and renewed Ezra's fading blush, much to their triumph. Maybe they were just a stupid whore, but at least they were good at it. They were making Ezra feel good, and they both still had all their clothes on. 

"Well, that's definitely the truth," Ezra said softly, a shy little grin - really, it was criminal to be that adorable - spreading across his face. "But maybe we should order first before I ramble on for two hours and you get bored of me." 

"I don't think that's possible," AJ hummed, and decided that they should probably dial it back for a bit just in case Ezra's face actually caught fire. "But yes, we should get food."

Ezra handed them a menu and they glanced over it, already knowing what kind of meal they wanted and just having to find it. Ezra took more time over his choice, so AJ spent the pause looking around, taking in the old beams, the uneven floor, the old pictures. They liked old pubs like this one, they were always so cosy and comfortable, but they were usually either still asleep or getting ready for the night when places like this were open. It was nice to soak up that warm atmosphere for a while. 

Once Ezra put his menu aside, he got up, waiting while AJ stood up beside him uncertainly. 

"I can get yours, if you want. Or um...or you can get your own, I don't...don't mind at all," Ezra said nervously, haltingly, and AJ thought about it for a moment or two before answering. 

"Thank you, but I'll get my own," they said simply, and followed Ezra to the bar. After all, they didn't like feeling dependent, they didn't like the feeling that someone would have power over them like that. And having Ezra pay for their meal would feel just a little bit like him paying them to spend time with him - which didn't feel right. Not anymore, at least. Ezra had made it clear enough that that wasn't what he wanted, and AJ was starting to get used to it. 

They both ordered, AJ ignoring the odd looks from the bartender with practiced ease, then headed back to the table together. 

As soon as they'd both sat down, AJ leaned across the table slightly, as if sharing a secret, and smiled at their companion. 

"Tell me more about...preserving books. It's riveting," they teased, and Ezra laughed, his nose scrunching up slightly, blue eyes full of light and life. It sent a shiver down AJ's spine, just as Ezra began to talk quietly.

"I really like it, because you're like...preserving a piece of history, you know? It's there, in your hands, sometimes hundreds of years old, and it's your job to protect it and keep it from deteriorating. It's really delicate work and sometimes frustrating, but I enjoy it a lot," he smiled, and AJ just relaxed, allowing themself to float on the sea of Ezra's words, listening to him talk about glue and light levels and gloves. They didn't understand all of it, but they didn't particularly mind. It was enough to see Ezra so excited to talk, so animated and happy. They'd never really seen him so out of his shell, so relaxed, and it was amazing to sit across from him and feel the warmth of his passion. 

In fact, he talked almost non-stop until their food arrived, at which point he immediately apologised, blushing. 

"Oh God, I didn't realise I'd gone on for so long, I-" 

"It's fine," AJ said quickly, flashing him a smile before looking down at their salad. Their dressing had been put on the side, just as they'd asked, and the waiter had also brought them a glass of tap water. "I like listening, I promise," they added, and Ezra nodded slightly from behind his massive plate of fish and chips. 

AJ could see him eyeing their plate doubtfully, but he didn't say anything, not even when AJ picked up the dressing and dribbled about a third of it onto their salad before setting it aside. 

"Good. Anathema says sometimes I bore her to a near death experience," he chuckled, and AJ began to eat primly, careful not to put too much on their fork at once. 

They smiled at Ezra as he took the opportunity to start eating, enjoying the way he tucked in so eagerly. He seemed so excited, almost like a small child getting stuck into a piece of cake, and although AJ had to admit they were a little jealous that Ezra could eat whatever he wanted, it was still oddly fun to watch him. 

"I'm sure it's not that bad," they said once they'd finished their bite, and Ezra shrugged, stabbing a chip with his fork. 

"I can go on a bit with her because she's a completely captive audience." 

AJ chuckled and stopped eating, poking at their salad absentmindedly instead. "And I'm not?" 

"There's a lot of ways to leave the pub. Anathema can't really just leave the flat," Ezra pointed out with a grin, and AJ smiled back, leaning their cheek on their other hand. 

"She seems nice, from what you've said. I wish I lived with such a good friend," they murmured, and Ezra nodded emphatically, swallowing his food before answering. 

"Yeah, she's my best friend, she's great," he smiled, then tilted his head. "I thought Bea was your friend?"

AJ frowned, looking down at their salad and twirling their fork slightly. "I...I don't know. It's complicated. I think...we were friends for a while, but it's...it's gotten more difficult. She helped me when I was in a tough spot, but now...it's just...I don't think she's really that good for me," they said slowly, every word a struggle. Talking about themself wasn't something they had to do very often, and as well as being unused to it, they found it incredibly uncomfortable. 

Ezra seemed to realise this and just nodded, leaving a gap in the conversation for a minute or two. AJ managed another bite of salad, then took a break to drink some of their water, not quite looking at Ezra. 

"How are you feeling today?" Ezra asked after a silence that had seemed to get heavier the longer it went on. AJ looked up in confusion and Ezra blushed again, rushing to clarify. "I know you missed a couple shifts this week, I was worried about you." 

AJ blinked, then allowed themself a smile, looking down shyly. "I um...yeah, I was just a bit sick, but I'm all better now," they lied quietly. Their back still hurt in places, and a couple of clients had made complaints about the wounds, but there wasn't much they could do about it. And Ezra didn't need to know.

"Good, it was really boring without you there," he announced, in a tone that seemed a little strained, as if stretched a bit to hide the truth. AJ looked up into his eyes and bit down on their tongue lightly, suddenly feeling a bit shaky. There was definitely more behind that simple statement, and they had to admit that fact scared them somewhat. Once again in unfamiliar territory, they took a bite of salad to cover their confusion. 

"Y'know, I can't tell if David likes me or not," Ezra said suddenly, and AJ looked up curiously, glad for the change of subject. "He seems nice, but he's also...I don't know. I don't know how to describe it." 

"He's difficult to read sometimes," AJ shrugged, spearing some more lettuce. "But I think he likes you. Generally, he's pretty blunt when he doesn't like someone. He made a bartender quit last year because he didn't like him." 

Ezra snorted, taking a sip from his coke. "You have to tell me this story." 

"Mm, okay," AJ chuckled, putting their fork down for the moment. "Basically, this guy was belligerent and really annoying, every time David asked him to do something a particular way, he used to get really snotty about it and keep doing it the way that was generally dirty or unsafe or whatever, and it drove David up the wall. So he started playing pranks on the guy, and it escalated to him putting live frogs anywhere he could, because he was deathly scared of frogs. We had to collect them all up and release them, Michael was livid. But the guy quit, and it worked out best for everyone," AJ grinned, giving a little shrug. "I found a frog in my locker the next night." 

Ezra laughed, and AJ felt triumph stir in their chest, the excitement of making their friend laugh, of hearing that innocent, sweet sound, seeing those eyes so lit up. It felt better than anything they'd felt in a while. 

"Frogs! That's hilarious! I bet Michael was hopping mad!" Ezra snorted, and AJ groaned theatrically, then giggled softly, hiding their mouth behind their hand. 

"That was an  _ awful  _ joke, Ezra!" 

He just grinned, pleased with himself, and AJ indulged themself, just staring for a while, taking in that happy expression on that adorable face, wishing they could just- 

Well, they didn't really know what. They knew they wanted to be close to him, and they couldn't stop looking at his lips, but fantasy wasn't an area they explored often. Usually, it was already happening. 

AJ gave a soft sigh and watched Ezra go back to eating, still smiling at his own joke. Then they tilted their head, trying to think of something to talk about, something to ask him.

"What's your favourite book?" 

Ezra blinked, looking thoughtful for a while before swallowing and letting his gaze rise to meet AJ's. "Um...that's a really tough question. But I suppose...emotionally, I have a really strong connection to  _ Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe.  _ It sounds odd, but it helped me realise I was trans." 

AJ nodded slightly, nerves stirring in their stomach. "Can...can I ask about that? I've read it, I just um...I'd like to know about your experiences. If that's okay," they added hurriedly, and Ezra smiled softly. 

"Of course. Well, really it was just because I read it when I was seventeen. I kept crying when I read it and it made me so, so sad even though it's not really that sad of a book. And I realised it was because I was sad that I would never get to have that experience. I'd never get to grow up as a boy and explore my sexuality and realise I was queer as a cis boy. I can't go back, y'know? And it made me sad and angry and jealous...it was...hard." 

AJ nodded sympathetically, resting their chin in their hand as they listened intently, glad to be learning more about their friend. "So you realised when you were seventeen?" 

"Yeah, but I didn't come out until I was eighteen, almost nineteen. I was really lucky to have pretty good family support, but it still took me a while to finish figuring myself out and get over the fear of coming out. How about you?" 

AJ physically flinched, looking down sharply. "I...I'm sorry, I don't want to...I c-can't-"

"It's fine, it's fine!" Ezra cut in quickly, desperately. "Please don't feel like you have to, it's okay. What's your favourite book?" 

AJ swallowed, trying to calm the brief panic, their heart still thudding in their chest. "I...I don't read much," they mumbled, not looking at Ezra, wanting to fold up and simply disappear.

" I'm...I'm sorry."

"Oh, don't be sorry," Ezra soothed, and there was a clink of metal on china just before warm hands closed around AJ's, squeezing gently. "You're okay, magpie. It's alright, I promise. We all like doing different stuff, and that's okay, I'm not judging," he assured them, even as that voice in their head tried to drown him out.  _ Useless, stupid, uncultured, dumb, idiot-  _

"I-I'm okay," AJ choked out, dropping their fork to hold Ezra's hands, feeling the gentle squeeze as those fingers tightened around their own. "I'll be fine." 

“What about those books you had, anyway?” Ezra asked quietly, his voice still soft, his thumbs running over AJ's knuckles slowly. “I remember seeing some at your apartment.” 

AJ shrugged, briefly rendered speechless with the sudden realisation that Ezra was holding their hands again. He wasn't pulling away, he wasn't avoiding them, he'd chosen to hold their hands and touch them and be affectionate. “They’re just like...manga and graphic novels, not really like...real books,” they mumbled shyly, and Ezra immediately frowned, shaking his head. 

“No, that doesn’t matter, sweetheart, I promise. As long as you enjoy them, that’s what counts. And besides, being elitist about books is stupid, they’re all entertainment, that’s the only important thing,” he insisted gently, squeezing their hands again. “We can talk about something else, though, if this topic is making you uncomfortable. What about...well, if you like manga, do you like Ghibli movies? They’re sort of that similar type of thing, aren’t they?" 

AJ nodded, feeling the blush rise to their cheeks again, struggling to handle the fact that Ezra was so concerned about them and their comfort levels even during a simple conversation. “Yeah, they’re um...I guess they’re still technically anime,” they murmured, managing a small smile and tilting their head slightly as they tried to relax.

"Which one is your favourite?"

"Um...probably  _ Spirited Away,  _ but they're all so good, it's hard to choose,” AJ hummed, biting their lip when Ezra smiled, blue eyes lit up and sparkling in such an adorable, sweet way. 

"Yeah, I don't think I can pick one favourite," Ezra agreed, slowly letting his hands slide from AJ's so he could go back to eating. "That's definitely one of my favourites, though." 

AJ smiled, nodding slightly and poking at their salad again as they began to relax, taking deep, slow breaths. "I just find them really soothing. Especially after a stressful shift." 

"Yeah, I used to watch them a lot in my exam seasons," Ezra answered, and AJ looked up briefly to see him watching them, his bright blue eyes soft and affectionate. They blushed lightly and looked down again hurriedly, smiling to themself. 

They kept talking over their lunch, about anything and everything, although AJ made sure to steer the conversation away from any deeper questions about their life or past. They liked hearing about Ezra, but they didn't quite feel ready to talk about themself with him yet. Since they'd already paid when they ordered, as soon as they'd both finished eating and talking, they left together. AJ had to squash the urge to take Ezra's hand as they walked, but he didn't seem to notice the way they reached out and pulled back quickly. 

"I'll um...see you to your car," he announced shyly as they left the pub, and AJ glanced at him in slight surprise, then nodded. 

"You're not on shift tonight, are you?" 

"No, I'm working tomorrow night, though," Ezra answered softly, and AJ reached into their pocket, pulling their keys out as they reached the car park. 

"Good, I'm not on tonight anyway, but I am tomorrow," they hummed, and saw the way Ezra smiled, his cheeks touched with a light dusting of pink. AJ led him over to their beaten-up old Ford fiesta, unlocking the door and just standing awkwardly for a moment. 

"This is the Bentley," they laughed nervously, and Ezra chuckled, moving closer to them, leaning sideways against the car, against the driver's door. 

"Yeah? It's so fancy-looking," he teased, and AJ grinned, stepping forward and reaching around Ezra to grab the door handle. 

"Are you going to let me get in?" 

"Maybe. I haven't decided yet," Ezra purred, and AJ ignored their blush, their breath quickening slightly as they realised their lips were only inches from Ezra's. 

"Come back to mine?" They suggested quickly, hopefully, swallowing hard. Ezra's eyes widened slightly, his mouth opening, then closing again as disappointment flooded his expression. 

"I...I have to go to my internship," he murmured, and AJ nodded slightly, looking down hurriedly. 

"Right, yeah. Of course. You um…you have other stuff to do," they chuckled, struggling to keep their tone even and devoid of bitterness. Ezra had plenty of more important things in his life than some dirty whore, after all, they reminded themself, squeezing their eyes shut for a moment. Then a finger curled under their chin, tilting their head up, their eyes snapping open in surprise. 

"I would if I could," Ezra assured them softly, smiling, his eyes a little worried, and full of some emotion AJ couldn't quite place. "I...I wish I could see you tonight." 

"I...I would invite you after you finish, but...but I have an appointment, and-" 

"It's fine, I'll see you tomorrow," Ezra soothed, moving a little closer, his eyes flickering down to their lips. AJ's heart pounded in their chest -  _ this is it, this is the moment  _ \- and Ezra hugged them, his arms strong and tight around them, encompassing them, wrapping them in his affection. A rush of emotion hit them all at once and they clutched at the back of his coat, burying their face in his warm neck as they pressed themself closer to him. They weren't used to this, to wanting to be touched, and it was overwhelming, tears already stinging at their eyes as his fingers spread on their back. 

"God, this feels good," Ezra said very softly, one hand moving up to cradle the back of AJ's head. "I haven't been hugged in far too long." 

AJ didn't reply, for fear of bursting into tears as soon as they tried to talk, instead just holding him tighter, hoping he'd get the message. Ezra began to let go, and AJ gently twisted away, fumbling with their keys, their cheeks on fire as they unlocked the car and opened the door. 

"I...I'm sorry, I-" Ezra began, but AJ cut him off quickly, flashing a smile. 

"No, no, it's...it's okay. I liked it...I like hugs," they said softly, gently taking Ezra's wrist and squeezing lightly before letting go. "I just...I get overwhelmed. When people touch me, sometimes," they admitted, surprising themself with their own honesty. Ezra winced, nodding slightly.

"I'm sorry, I should have asked first." 

AJ swallowed again, then smiled, not having to force it this time. "It's fine, really. I...I'm overwhelmed in a good way. You can...you can hug me, I...I trust you." 

Ezra's eyes lit up with his smile, his cheeks bright red, his hands in his pockets. "Good. I like hugging you. I should...I should let you go." 

AJ nodded, getting into their car and looking up at Ezra as they gripped the door. "I'll see you tomorrow. Maybe...maybe another hug then?" They added hopefully, and Ezra nodded quickly. 

"For sure. Take care, magpie." 

AJ drove home, trembling all the way, unable to shake the feeling of Ezra's hands on their back, his arms around them. They parked in their assigned space and turned the car off, staring at nothing for a moment or two before it all came rushing back, and before they could stop it, they were sobbing, tears welling up and spilling over, pouring down their cheeks. 

It wasn't exactly sad crying, it was just crying from sheer overload of emotion. The hug had felt so  _ damn good.  _

They'd felt warm and protected and cared for, and it had been better than any human contact they'd had in months - possibly even years. It was almost terrifying how much they wanted more. If Ezra hadn't pulled away, they probably could have stayed there all afternoon, pressed into his chest. 

AJ just simply wasn't used to any of this. They were used to trying to get everything over with, to finish with the touching so they could get paid and go home to sleep. But this felt so different. 

As they sat and cried, letting it all out, letting the pain and happiness and confusion and joy cascade down their cheeks in liquid form, they realised. It was terrifying because they knew it could all be taken away so easily. This new, perfect, heavenly contact would all be removed as soon as Ezra realised that AJ was just a dirty, useless, disgusting slut who could barely hold an intelligent conversation about anything. 

Pain twisted in their chest and the sobs increased, heavier, rasping, shuddering. They just couldn't stop crying, and weren't sure they wanted to. Suddenly, their phone buzzed in their pocket and they slipped it out, blinking the screen into focus through their tears. 

_ Angel, 13:17 _

_ I hope your appointment goes well, I'm sorry I won't see you until tomorrow. Take care of yourself x  _

AJ sniffed, their hand over their mouth, a small sob making them shudder slightly as the screen blurred again and hot tears spilled over their fingers. They fumbled with the keys, pulling them out of the ignition and stumbling out of the car. With tears still running over their salt-sticky skin, they dragged themself up to their apartment, unlocking the door and slipping into the hallway. They felt dead on their feet, barely even pausing when they realised the tv was playing and they could hear Bea's partner, Dagon, speaking. Deciding to ignore the situation, AJ took their shoes off and headed straight for their room, nearly running into Bea as she walked out of the kitchen. 

"AJ? What's up with you?" 

They didn't reply, walking straight into their room and shutting the door behind them a little harder than usual. They leaned back against it and heard laughter, then Bea's voice, carrying easily through the thin walls. 

"I swear they're  _ such  _ a diva! It's hilarious. They were probably crying over a wrinkle in their shirt." 

AJ slowly dragged themself to the bed and collapsed into the warm sheets, curling up and simply staring at the wall, numbness taking over. 

Later that day, in that odd period between evening and night, AJ got ready and headed out for their appointment, checking into their booked room and heading up the stairs. They were early, so as soon as they got in, they set up the room, slipping out of their wrap dress and leaving themself in just their lingerie as they set out glasses of water and condoms. 

Once that was done, they climbed into the bed and flopped onto their side, checking their phone for any texts from their new client. Instead, they found Ezra's text again, a soft sigh leaving their lungs as they stared at it, re-reading it a few times before finally starting to type. 

_ AJ, 19:49 _

_ Thank you! I'm looking forward to seeing you, I could already do with another hug x  _

They tossed their phone aside, letting out a soft sigh just as the door clicked and they looked up quickly, shifting expertly to make their posture seem more seductive with only a few subtle adjustments. 

To their surprise, the door opened to reveal a quite handsome young-ish man, probably in his mid to late thirties. He looked a bit nervous, but smiled at AJ anyway, adjusting his glasses as he walked forward jerkily, a small box of chocolates held defensively in front of him. 

"I...you...you look stunning," he managed, and AJ smiled to cover their shock, sitting up hurriedly. 

"You must be Andy," they murmured, gesturing for him to come closer. He blushed immediately, walking over and slowly sitting down on the edge of the bed beside them. "Don't be so nervous, Andy, I'm AJ," AJ went on soothingly, reaching out and brushing the backs of their fingers over his cheek. He looked at them briefly, then swallowed and held out the box shakily. 

"I...I wasn't sure what the etiquette was, a-and my wife used to like it when I brought her little things," he mumbled, and AJ recognised the tone and posture, their fingers combing through the man's hair sympathetically. Widowers were often some of their gentlest, sweetest clients. 

"I'm sorry, Andy," they said genuinely, taking the chocolates and setting them on the bedside table. Bea would probably eat them if they left them on the counter for a few days, after all. "It's not really usual, but I appreciate the gesture. Have you had sex with someone with a penis before?" 

"Just once," he admitted nervously, glancing at AJ in shame and embarrassment. "I...I'm still questioning."

"That's okay. We can start whenever and however you like." 

A few minutes later, AJ was already nearly naked, staring off at nothing while hands ran over them, lips pressing to theirs and moving away again. Then the man slid down and they were jerked from their contemplation of the wallpaper when they realised he'd pulled their underwear down and was leaning in already, mouth open slightly. Panic jolted through their chest, but they managed to smile, their fingers curling under his chin, gently pulling. "No, no, it's all about you, Andy," they purred, bending their knees and spreading their legs. "I'm all ready for you, I've been preparing. Just fill me already." 

They had to force the words a little more than usual, but it seemed to work, as he lost all interest in sucking AJ off and instead fumbled for a condom, eyes wide and fixed on AJ's backside. They grinned, shifting slightly, reaching down to circle a finger around their entrance, pressing in slightly to show how ready they were, moaning out the client's name.

A few seconds later, they had the man on top of them, his tip already inside, his hand in their hair, his lips finding theirs as he kept pressing forward slowly, inexorably. AJ gasped and whined, dutifully making a few remarks about how big he was and how good it felt in between his soft kisses. The client worked himself inside without difficulty, soon groaning as he bottomed out. AJ closed their eyes and tried to let go, to drift off like they always did, but the client was kissing them again, his thrusts slow and careful, and they couldn't block it out. 

"Does that feel good? Is this okay?" 

The questions were too much, they couldn't get away, forced to stay, forced to feel everything, and their chest started to feel tight. 

"Yeah, keep doing that, baby, that's it," AJ groaned automatically, panic starting to wash through them in waves, their hands shaking on the man's back. They didn't like being trapped, so they closed their eyes and retreated, using their imagination as a protective barrier. 

With the man's lips on their neck, his thrusts long and slow, hitting every nerve deep inside them, it was easy to replace him with someone else - frighteningly easy, in fact. AJ could see Ezra's face, could feel his hands on them, hear his voice in their ear.  _ My magpie. How beautiful you are. _

The tears surged up and they swallowed hard, trying to force them down, but the ache was too strong, the ache that they would never really be loved by someone, they would never be made love to in the way they fantasised about. 

"Are you okay?" 

"Yeah, just like that," AJ moaned, keeping their eyes closed, trying to keep up the fantasy for as long as possible. It hurt, but it was a delicious kind of pain. Because even if they couldn't have that kind of love and care for real, at least they could rely on their fantasies. 

Once again, Ezra leaned over them, whispering in their ear as his thrusts got faster, sharper, more desperate. His grunts were soft and sexual, his little moans causing AJ to reach down, stroking themself quickly, groaning softly. 

"Ahh... _ Ezra,"  _ they whimpered, their eyes rolling back, their body shuddering in pleasure, jerking slightly with each thrust directly into their prostate. The client didn't seem to notice, luckily, too busy hilting himself and panting as he came, rocking through them while he finished. 

AJ imagined Ezra burying his face in their neck, panting, his lips curling into a sleepy smile, his hand stroking their cheek from their forehead to their jaw.  _ I've got you, magpie.  _

The client pulled out and AJ lost themself to the fantasy, feeling Ezra's hand wrap around them, his soft lips pressing gentle kisses to their jaw as he stroked, whispering compliments in their ear over and over. By the time they realised this wasn't just fantasy, it was too late, and they were right on the edge of climax, unable to push the client away in time. 

They came, gasping and whimpering, losing all control, feeling as if their body had been picked up by a wave and slammed into jagged rocks. Blankness followed, then a feeling as if their brain was full of static, like on an old tv, just before the client kissed them, lips soft and gentle against theirs, but stinging, hurting, bringing reality crashing back down on their chest. 

Anxiety rose, followed by nausea, fear bursting, flooding through them in great waves and torrents.  _ Stop, stop! Don't touch me, don't  _ fucking  _ touch me! _

They scrambled away from the client, screaming in their head, but completely unable to get the words out as they sat up and hugged themself tightly, their knees drawn right up into their chest. 

They could feel the client's hands on them, his voice, but it all seemed far away, not quite real. They knew they were shaking and they could feel the tears on their cheeks, but it was all disconnected, out of their control. The client tried to hug them and they almost lashed out, but managed to stop themself, curling further in on themself, forcing themself to remain still as the little voice came back, whining, weasel-y. 

_ Disgusting. You cum from being touched by a complete stranger. You've probably even made him dirty like you, you fucking whore. What's wrong with you?  _

The client pulled away, and AJ closed their eyes, shuddering and ducking their head down behind their knees and grabbing at their neck, long, manicured fingernails digging into the thin skin, feeling their racing heartbeat and pressing down. Sharp pain rose as they dug deeper, pulling at their skin, pressing as hard as they could, imagining that they could bring blood to the surface. The pain felt treacherously good, grounding them, reminding them they were alive and breathing, even a little like a punishment. 

It took them a long time to calm down, to recover from the shock of losing control, of doing something they hated themself for. But eventually, they managed to unfold, still trembling and weak, their cheeks sticky with dried tears. 

The client was watching them, sitting on the edge of the bed, fully clothed, with a worried expression. Relief washed away some of the panic - some clients had left without paying when they'd had episodes before. He smiled nervously, reaching to the bedside table and offering them a glass of water. 

"I'm really sorry, I thought...I thought it would be nice, and you seemed into it, I-" 

AJ waved a hand quickly, taking a long sip from the glass. "It's fine, it's not your fault. Do you want anything else tonight?"

He looked surprised, but shook his head slightly. "No, I just...I wanted to make sure you were okay. Was that...did you have a panic attack?" 

AJ nodded, their cheeks on fire, their hands still shaking slightly. "Yeah, something like that." 

"Maybe you should um...try some therapy," he suggested nervously. "I used to have panic attacks a lot, and it helped." 

"Maybe I will," AJ smiled, lying just to get him to stop talking. "I had fun, though, despite that. If you ever feel like you need my services again, you're more than welcome to give me a call." 

"I might take you up on that," he answered quietly, flashing them a small smile before slipping a wad of cash out of his pocket. AJ took it with a soft 'thank you,' then counted it carefully before trying to hand back a twenty. 

"This is more than-" 

"Keep it," he said quickly, getting up awkwardly. "A tip, you know?" 

"Well, thank you, then," they smiled, getting up as well and pressing a soft kiss to his cheek. "I'll see you another time." 

Once he'd finally left, AJ walked into the bathroom, feeling dazed as they turned the shower on and got in under the spray, slowly sinking down to sit on the floor. It all washed over them in one go; shame, self-loathing, resentment, despair. After their fantasy had been interrupted so abruptly, they couldn't help but be utterly, completely discouraged. Even if they could get up the courage to properly ask Ezra out, they had no idea how they could possibly have a normal sex life together. And what had just happened had driven that home, reminding them how fucked up, useless, disgusting they were. They couldn't even have an orgasm without dissociating, how were they supposed to have a normal relationship? 

They simply sat there, staring at nothing, their tears mixing with the warm water streaming over their face until it ran cold and they had to accept that it was time to go home. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys!  
> I hope you enjoyed seeing AJ and Ezra go out together for the first time, even if the chapter did end with a bit of angst! :D  
> As always, I'm excited to hear your thoughts and I hope you're all safe and doing well!
> 
> Don't forget that the BLM movement isn't over yet, just because media coverage is winding down. There have been small victories in a lot of places, but that doesn't mean the fight is over! Black lives matter today, tomorrow, and every day after that.  
> <3


	11. Chapter Eleven

On Monday, Ezra woke quite early, so he got up before his alarm and took a shower, then dried off, fitted his prosthesis, and went to the kitchen to make some breakfast. 

Anathema wasn't up yet, so he ate alone, then went back to his room and got dressed before starting to pack his bag for university. After a few moments of thought, he added his laptop, figuring that if he left soon, he could fit in some time working in the library before his first lecture. 

Once he was packed, he slipped his backpack on, then headed out of his room and out of the front door. As he walked, he took his phone out of his pocket and plugged his headphones in, starting to play music so he could have some kind of distraction on his trip to the bus stop.

Just as Ezra was nearing the stop, his phone buzzed in his hand, and he looked at it quickly, finding a text from AJ, replying to the conversation they'd had the night before about _Red Dwarf._

_Magpie, 7:42_

_Hey, sorry, I fell asleep! I absolutely love that episode, I'm glad it's your favourite. Maybe we could watch it together sometime? xxx_

Ezra smiled to himself, stopping beside the bus shelter and huddling slightly against the cold as he bit his lip. After a moment's thought, he began to type, frozen thumbs moving a little slower than usual. 

_Ezra, 7:45_

_I'd like that! But what are you doing up so early?_

He glanced up just as a bus pulled up to the stop, but it wasn't the right route, so he just watched idly as everyone got on. His phone buzzed again and he looked down quickly. 

_Magpie, 7:47_

_Bea managed to wake me up by almost breaking the bed with her partner, but I have to work on my new costume anyway, so I just decided to stay up. Are you going to class?_

Ezra glanced up worriedly, then checked the bus timetable before leaning against the bus shelter again. 

_Ezra, 7:49_

_That's really annoying, I'm sorry magpie. I'm sure your new costume is going to be stunning, though. And yes, hopefully. As long as the bus shows up lol, should have been here by now as always._

Humming to himself, Ezra shifted on his feet, then skipped a couple songs to find one he liked. The wind was really driving through his thin coat, causing him to shiver and somehow making the socket on his prosthesis feel even more uncomfortable than usual. His phone made him jump. 

_Magpie, 7:55_

_I'll be okay. Thank you! I'm hoping the routine will be fun, at least. I'm a bit bored of my usual set. I hope the bus shows up! Have these Stranger Things memes I found this morning to comfort you through this dark time xxx_

Ezra rolled his eyes fondly, unable to stop himself from grinning as the images kept popping up, one after the other. The bus pulled up with a hiss of brakes and Ezra scrambled to get his pass out of his wallet, showed it to the driver, and collapsed into one of the seats at the front. His phone had finally stopped buzzing by the time the bus pulled away, so he unlocked it and scrolled through the images before replying. 

_Ezra, 7:59_

_You must be my good luck charm, the bus came! And these were a great comfort, thank you. Maybe I should record my morning lecture for you so you can share in the enthralling teachings about types of paper :D x_

He only had to wait a few seconds for the typing bubble, the message popping up about a minute later. 

_Magpie, 8:01_

_Good :) I stole them all from a Stranger Things meme page, so I can't take all the credit. I think I'll pass on that amazing opportunity, I don't want to fall asleep while working and stitch my hand to my costume lol_

Ezra snorted and looked up when the bus came to a stop and a woman got on. She looked like she was in her thirties, slim and clearly stressed, hurrying to pay for her ticket and turning to find the bus mostly full. She bustled up to Ezra and he shifted along a seat to let her sit down, but apparently, this wasn't enough to satisfy her. 

"Young man, these seats are for people who can't get up the stairs! You should move at once!" She snapped, gesturing to the steps wildly. Ezra patiently took his headphones out, gazing at her for a moment before leaning down and rolling his trouser leg up just enough to show off a flash of shiny metal and plastic. She blinked and suddenly seemed completely disinterested in sitting next to him, hurrying off towards the back of the bus. 

Jamming his headphones back in, Ezra sat back against the back of the seat and started his music playing once again, then opened his texting app to write a reply to AJ. 

_Ezra, 8:09_

_That's a good point, that wouldn't be ideal. Are you doing anything else today?_

It only took about thirty seconds for the reply to come in. 

_Magpie, 8:09_

_Not until work, why?_

Ezra smiled to himself. 

_Ezra, 8:10_

_Could I call you when I'm having my lunch break?_

_Magpie, 8:10_

_Please do x_

After another half hour of texting back and forth with AJ non-stop about their favourite Steven Universe episodes, Ezra was getting off the bus and half-running to his first class of the day. Working in the library was out, thanks to the late bus, and he managed to fall into his seat just a couple of minutes before nine, rushing to put his phone on silent and get his notepad out of his bag. 

Once the lecture was over, Ezra got himself a snack from the store and ate it on his way across campus for his hated print-making session. He loved the lithography work, he really did, but the sessions that ran twice a week and were crucial to getting his degree were held in a very old building in the un-refurbished area of campus. The print rooms were in the basement, and required Ezra to make it up and down four flights of steep stairs, without the option of an elevator. By the time he made it into the classroom, he was always hot, sweaty, and in pain, and the room itself was kept quite warm, meaning that he never got the chance to cool down. So, despite doing the work he loved, he was sticky and miserable, and spent the long two hours wishing he had his own personal fan. 

At least Ezra had something to look forward to that day, and by the time he'd cleaned his station and made it all the way back up the stairs, he was buzzing, although completely out of breath. He found somewhere to sit out on the main square, as it wasn't too cold in the sun, and began to open his packed lunch, dialing AJ with his spare hand. 

It rang twice before they picked up, their cheerful voice sending a shiver down his spine. 

"Hey, how's paper nerd school?" AJ teased, and Ezra grinned, picking up one half of his sandwich. 

"Busy. Tiring. How's not stitching your hand to your costume?" 

"Frustrating, I got a measurement wrong," AJ sighed heavily, and Ezra took a bite of his sandwich, staring at nothing while he ate. 

"Mm, that's no good." 

"No, I can fix it, it's just a pain in the arse," they grumbled, then gave another little sigh and seemed to brighten. "You're going to your internship today, right?" 

"Yep," Ezra smiled, finishing off one half of the sandwich already. 

"Cool. Still enjoying it?" AJ smiled, he could tell they were smiling. Something was always so different in their tone whenever they were genuinely smiling. 

"Yeah, it's hard work, but rewarding. And I get to be around books all day, and they're not noisy or annoying. Or transphobic, at least not in a way I can't easily avoid." 

AJ laughed, and Ezra thought his heart might burst with how much it swelled up in joy. He _loved_ hearing them laugh. 

"I was gonna say...anyway, we need to make a list of all these favourite episodes so we can watch them all together sometime. A best of the best marathon," they chuckled, and Ezra smiled, albeit a little uncomfortably. 

He wanted, desperately wanted to go to AJ's and sit on their bed and watch TV with them, but Michael's words were still far too fresh in his mind. 

"Maybe sometime," he answered vaguely, then hummed softly. "We should meet up again. Lunch or maybe a museum or something. I like spending time with you." 

There was a brief silence, then a soft little sigh, and AJ's voice sounded happy and emotional when they spoke. "I like spending time with you too," they said quietly. "We should both think about what we might want to do and then compare." 

Ezra picked up the second half of his sandwich, still smiling to himself. "Yeah, we should. I still haven't given you that hug I promised, either."

"Well, I should see you tonight," AJ pointed out quietly, and Ezra nodded, humming his agreement around a bite of sandwich. 

"I was hoping to have my new set ready, but that piece I had to order for the costume is taking forever to ship, I have to fix this mistake I made...it's going to be a while," they sighed heavily, and Ezra swallowed, shaking his head slightly. 

"It's fine, magpie. You haven't been doing the old one for that long anyway, just cut yourself some slack. No one minds." 

"Yeah, you're right," AJ mumbled, and Ezra smiled. 

"I know, I'm always right," he chuckled, finishing off the sandwich and binning the wrapper before heading off, starting to walk to the bus stop and doing his best to ignore the twinges of pain in his leg, hip, and back. 

"True," AJ murmured, the smile back in their voice. "You know...I really...I-I miss you." 

Ezra nearly choked, his step faltering slightly, his heart thudding in his chest. "You...I...I miss you too," he managed, his voice trembling. "I mean...I...I feel like I haven't seen you in ages and...and I want to see you, I.." he trailed off, cursing himself, reminding himself that he couldn't get too close. 

AJ was quiet for a moment, then sighed once more. "I should...I should let you go. I um. Yeah, I'll see you tonight." 

"Yeah," Ezra said softly, unable to resist the smile spreading across his face. "Tonight." 

By the time Ezra got to his internship, he was limping slightly as he walked, his long morning already taking its toll. He got set up and began to change into his lab gear, chatting to his supervisor while he pulled on his protective clothing. 

He liked his supervisor, who was quite an old man, with a strong passion for conservation. He was known only as Dr. Jones to everyone at the museum - although some only referred to him as 'The Book Doctor' - and no one knew much about him, except that he was always ready for a chat. He loved talking about his work, and Ezra had learned plenty from just casually talking to him. 

Once he'd finished getting changed and preparing the chemicals, Ezra moved the tub over to his workspace, adjusted his respirator, and sat down to work. He may have loved what he did, but that didn't make it any less exhausting. Just sitting there for hours, removing built up tobacco stains from the pages of a huge, beautiful book with a cotton swab was more tiring than even bartending at the club. At least he didn't have to be standing, he supposed as he glanced at the clock. 

He'd gotten through twenty pages in just over two and a half hours, which meant he was getting quicker, but he was still much slower than Dr. Jones. Ezra decided to take a ten minute break and headed out into the fresh air, sitting on the steps outside the back door. He slipped his phone out of his pocket and smiled to himself. AJ had sent him a photo. 

He unlocked his phone and opened the text, his eyes widening as the picture loaded. It was a picture of them taken in the mirror, wearing a beautiful black corset, along with bright red metallic briefs. They'd edited a caption onto it, and Ezra had to read it a few times before he managed to tear his mind away from the corset long enough to understand the words. _Finally fixed the measurements!_

Swallowing hard, he typed out a reply with trembling fingers, pressing send hurriedly. 

_Ezra, 15:49_

_It looks great! Are you going to use it for your new set? xx_

To his surprise, even though AJ had sent the picture over an hour ago, they began to type almost immediately. 

_Magpie, 15:51_

_I don't think I'm going to use the corset, it was more an experiment than anything else, but it's kind of difficult to move in. I like the briefs, though._

Ezra shifted slightly, stretching his leg out in front of him and rubbing the front of his knee as he typed with one hand. 

_Ezra, 15:52_

_Both pieces are fantastic, though! Well done xx_

After a moment or two, the typing bubble popped up again and Ezra leaned his cheek on his hand, waiting with a soft smile on his face. 

_Magpie, 15:54_

_Thanks! It was my first time making a corset, so I'm quite pleased with myself. I'm going to try out some new makeup, so stand by for more pictures later lol xx_

Ezra chuckled to himself and slowly got to his feet. 

_Ezra, 15:54_

_I'm looking forward to it! xx_

Once he hit send, he pushed the door open and headed back inside, still limping as he made his way back to his desk, slipped his respirator back on, and got to work. 

As always, Ezra packed up at six, disposing of the leftover chemicals safely, putting the book back in its protective case, and wiping down his station before heading out of the museum. He rode the bus home, got changed into his black jeans and button up for the club, then ate his dinner - leftover curry from the night before. While he ate, he found a few more articles for his dissertation, reading through a couple of them before he had to leave, beginning the five minute walk to the bus stop without much enthusiasm. Technically, the club was within walking distance of his apartment, but he liked taking the bus on the way there because it saved him at least some painful walking time, even if it did take longer. 

For once, the bus came on time, so Ezra climbed on, sitting down heavily and closing his eyes just as his phone buzzed in his hand. 

_Magpie, 20:08_

_Hey, do you want a ride? I'm leaving in fifteen minutes xx_

He winced and typed quickly, biting his lip lightly. 

_Ezra, 20:09_

_Thanks for the offer, but I'm on the bus already! I'll see you soon xx_

He didn't get a text back, so he just slipped his phone away, leaning his head against the bus window. Once again, he felt that pull towards AJ, the gentle drive to be near them that he knew he had to ignore for the sake of his job. Despite his terror at the thought of getting back in a car with AJ and having to survive another round of their erratic, careless driving, getting a ride with them didn't seem so bad. He'd get to spend time with them one on one, after all, but he sighed and shoved all the thoughts away. He couldn't do it, he couldn't cross that line anymore. 

As the lights of the city flashed past, Ezra just stared out of the window at nothing in particular, watching the world go by around him. Misery was mixing with the exhaustion making his body feel heavy, and all he wanted to do was curl up and try to sleep off his feelings for AJ, his need to be with them. But if he did that, he wouldn't make his rent. 

Ezra nearly missed his stop, so engrossed in his melancholy, but managed to hit the button on time and limped off the bus, thanking the driver on the way. He took a moment to adjust his prosthesis, then headed off across a back alley and the car park before finally reaching the club's staff entrance. Keying in the code only took a few seconds, despite the old buttons sticking, and Ezra hurried inside out of the cold. He swayed as he took his coat off, but blinked and shook his head slightly, managing to wake himself up somewhat before making his way across the empty club to the bar. David was on shift, but wasn't in yet, so Ezra got to work on cleaning the bar and cutting fruit and doing all those other little jobs that largely went unnoticed, but were essential to the smooth running of a bar. 

Ezra found the time to make himself a coffee before the club opened that night, and he drank it while the few scattered early-comers wandered in, ordering a few drinks, but mostly gathering in tables near the back to talk before the music got loud. Ezra kept an eye out for AJ, but didn't see them for most of the night. He'd checked the list on the way in and knew they were directly after Bea again, however, so he waited excitedly, but just as Bea was nearing the close of her routine, Michael walked up to the bar. 

"Ezra! The dishwasher needs help, go," she snapped, and Ezra blinked, but nodded, grabbing a heavy pallet loaded with dirty glasses. He limped for the back, wincing under the weight, but doing his best to ignore it. He managed to shoulder open the door and helped the dishwasher load the machine, then washed a few bar nibble plates for him, chatting as he worked. The kid seemed nice, barely starting his first year at university, but he was honest, and told Ezra several times that he was fine, that he didn't need help. 

Ezra decided it was best to stay out of Michael's way for a while, anyway, and only headed back to the bar when he heard the last song of AJ's set fade away. The cheering was deafening, even in the back corridor, and Ezra smiled to himself, pride swelling his chest slightly. He was proud of AJ, he'd seen how many hours they put into their shows, into their routines, their practice, their costumes. They were always in the club after hours, and Ezra had once seen them taking a break in the corridor, watching a video of themself practicing a new routine and making notes on what they needed to improve. They truly loved performing, and it was nice to hear them getting the recognition they deserved. 

Ezra slipped back out into the noise of the club and went back to the bar, flashing David a smile. 

"Hey. You missed AJ's whole set," David said pointedly, and Ezra pulled a face, not quite looking at him. 

"Damn. Did they do the new one yet?" 

"No," David answered shortly, then sighed and turned away. He didn't say anything else, so Ezra just rolled his eyes and got back to work with renewed enthusiasm, needing something else to occupy his mind. 

Towards the end of the night, Ezra went outside to take a break, telling David it was to smoke. He sank down onto the steps outside and stretched his leg out, wincing as he rubbed the opposite hip. Everything ached. 

To distract himself, he slid his phone out of his pocket and blinked in surprise. He got barely any reception in the club, and he was only now receiving a text from AJ they'd sent not long after finishing their set. 

_Magpie, 23:58_

_I really need to see you, I really need a hug xx_

Ezra swallowed hard, torn between delight that AJ wanted to see him and talk to him, and concern for his friend. After a moment of contemplation, he heaved himself up and typed out a quick message, just a short and simple _omw,_ then dusted himself off, adjusted his leg, and headed back inside. 

By the time Ezra reached the dressing room, the last of the performers were already leaving, so he waited for the flood to die down, then pushed through the door to find AJ alone and facing away from the door. They didn't seem to notice him, their body language much more defeated than he was used to seeing. They looked burnt out, exhausted in every way, and they were staring at their phone. As Ezra stood, uncertain of what to do, they sniffed and shifted slightly, one arm sliding around their own body, and he decided it was time to interrupt. 

"Magpie?"

The pet name slipped easily, and he groaned internally, wishing he could bite it back, but knowing that it was already out there, possibly even already making its way to Michael. 

AJ jumped, then turned slowly, and for a moment, Ezra could see it all on their face - their cheeks flushed slightly, their eyes swimming with tears, despair and turmoil filling every corner of their expression. Then they blinked and half of it fell away, the mask dropping down in its place, but not all the way, not yet. 

"Ezra," they mumbled, and he walked over slowly, sitting down beside them and flashing them a worried smile. Although he was concerned for them, he couldn't help but feel buoyant when he looked into those beautiful golden eyes. Seeing AJ was always the best part of his day. 

"Hey. Are you okay?" He murmured, having to resist the urge to reach out, to grab their hand. 

AJ swallowed and every trace of emotion was suddenly gone, a washed-out smile in its place. Their eyes were blank, and as Ezra's heart sank, their smile became more convincing, getting stronger the longer it stayed on AJ's face. 

"Yeah, I'm okay. I had a bit of a bad night, but I'm all good now," they said brightly, and Ezra felt as if an icicle had been driven through his heart; biting, freezing pain blossoming in his chest. His throat began to close, and his hands shook, desperate to be wrapped around AJ's, desperate to be comforting his friend. 

"You're not," Ezra said in a low voice, shaking his head slightly. "You're not, I can tell," he went on, watching closely and gritting his teeth when AJ's smile faltered briefly, their eyes wide. "And it's okay," Ezra insisted softly, his heart pounding in his ears, not wanting to push too hard and scare them, but needing to make a point. "It's okay to not be fine, I promise. And you don't have to tell me anything you don't want to either, I'm here for you. And I mean _for you._ Okay?" 

AJ was still for a moment, and then the mask slipped, and their face crumpled, the tears welling up and spilling over in seconds, their whole body starting to shake as they lost control. 

Immediately, Ezra opened his arms and AJ rushed into his chest, flinging their arms around him and burying their face in his neck desperately. He clicked his tongue and hugged back tightly, squeezing them as hard as he dared. AJ whimpered softly, then began to sob, so Ezra reached up slowly, stroking their hair over and over, squeezing his eyes shut in pain as each of AJ's quiet, broken little cries ripped a new hole in his heart. He didn't say anything - he didn't think there was anything he could say that would make it better, whatever it was - but he just held them and stroked their silky hair and was _there._ Despite everything, despite his own fear that Michael could walk in any minute, he knew that was the most important thing - being there with AJ. They needed him, it was that simple. He was needed, and so he gave. 

After a few long minutes, AJ's sobs trailed off and they just sat there, slumped against him, clinging to him in silence. Ezra shifted slightly and squeezed them again, letting them know once more that he was there and present. 

"Do you want to talk?" He asked softly, and they slowly began to pull away, sitting back and avoiding Ezra's gaze, their cheeks flushed with shame. 

"I um...I got into a fight with a client today, and he um...he threw me to the floor a-and it just...it scared me," they mumbled, and Ezra reached out immediately, grabbing at their hands. 

"Are you okay? Did he hurt you?" 

AJ winced, and Ezra watched as a tear ran down their cheek, lonely as it rolled off their jaw and dripped onto their lap. "H-he um...it...I d-don’t think so.." they choked, so Ezra quickly wrapped an arm around them, pulling them closer protectively, maybe even a little possessively. 

"You don't have to say anything you don't want to," he said quickly, and they nodded, closing their eyes and sending another cascade of silvery tears down their cheeks. Ezra reached up and delicately wiped them away, feeling the way AJ leaned into the touch, their lips parting slightly as they moved so his hand was cradling their cheek. 

"He just...I...I c-can’t talk about it," their face twisted in disgust, their shaking body pressing closer to Ezra unconsciously as he wrestled with the rage surging up to throttle him at the sight of AJ so distressed over a horrible client. He couldn’t help but wonder if there was more to what had happened than they were letting on, but he knew now wasn’t the time to ask.

"I'm sorry, magpie," he murmured, wiping their cheeks again carefully, his touch tender and careful. "I'm so sorry." 

"I'm used to it, I just...I feel a bit fragile today," AJ sighed, closing their eyes and turning their head into the touch again, this time letting their lips brush Ezra's skin. Their eyes fluttered open and Ezra realised with a jolt how close they were, how easy it would be to close the gap. Washed-out golden eyed gazed into his, then moved down, their lips parting again subtly, their head tilting. 

"I'm much better now, with you here," AJ murmured, and Ezra felt the pull, dragging him towards them, begging him, pleading with him to _just kiss them already._ It would be so easy, just an inch or so to lean in, their lips would brush, and then they would kiss, and- 

"Come back to my place?" AJ suggested quietly, their voice soft and hopeful, not seductive or false, but genuinely sweet. Their eyes flickered back up to meet Ezra's gaze and his heart almost stopped. He pulled away hurriedly, cursing himself when he saw the look of disappointment in AJ's eyes. He wanted it, he wanted to go back to theirs and kiss them and hold them and touch all over that perfect skin, that beautiful body. But he _needed_ the job. 

"I-I'm sorry," Ezra mumbled, feeling as if he might cry any second, his nose stinging, his throat tight. "I...I need to finish cleaning a-and I need to work on my dissertation. Maybe another time?" He forced out, then rushed ahead, before AJ could reply. "I'm here for you, though, when you need me. You can call or...whatever. I care about you, I just...I just can't come over tonight," he finished lamely, and AJ nodded slightly, looking down at their lap. 

"I know. Thank you," they said in a small voice, and Ezra winced, opening his arms again. 

"One more hug before I go?" 

AJ nodded and turned, hugging him more calmly this time, tucking their chin over his shoulder, one of their hands sliding into his hair, fingers curling. Ezra let out a soft sigh and squeezed his eyes shut, allowing himself to just enjoy the feeling of having AJ in his arms, their chest rising and falling against his, their body so warm. He squeezed them gently and AJ gave a soft sigh, stroking Ezra's hair slowly, then letting their fingers tangle in his curls again. After what felt like a few minutes, Ezra gently began to break away, his back a little stiff. AJ blushed and looked down, biting their perfect lip lightly, their cheeks graced with an adorably shy blush. 

"Come find me if you need anything," he said quietly, and AJ nodded, not quite looking at him. 

"I will," they murmured, and Ezra felt that maybe there was something in their tone, something suggestive. But he just ignored it, his hands starting to shake with all his heavy emotions, his fingers wrapping around the door handle. 

"I'll see you tomorrow, magpie." 

"Yeah, see you then," AJ answered quietly, and Ezra slipped out of the dressing room and hurried back to the bar. 

He didn't see AJ for the half hour or so he spent cleaning with David, so he left feeling a bit awkward, as if he'd forgotten something. He said goodbye to David as the other bartender went to his car, then began the long, miserable walk home.

After having been on his feet all night, his leg was really causing him a lot of pain, as was his other hip and his back. Every step sent a symphony of pain through his body, causing him to wince. What was usually a twenty minute walk ended up being about half an hour, as he had to keep stopping to give himself breaks. Eventually, though, he got back to the flat, letting himself in and heading straight for his room. 

Taking his prosthesis off was a major relief, and he let out a deep sigh as the socket came free. He tossed the sleeves into the basket to be washed, then rubbed moisturiser into his skin before laying back on the bed with another exhausted sigh. It had been a very long day, and yet, it was pretty much the same as every other day. Ezra rolled over and closed his eyes, falling asleep almost immediately, still in his clothes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! I hope you enjoyed this chapter, I know there's still a lot of angsty stuff at the moment, but I promise there's more fluff mixed in in the coming chapters!  
> Also this chapter is exciting for me because the way the google doc app works, I have to break big fics down into several different docs otherwise it starts to get really sticky, and this is the first chapter of the second doc! It really feels like this story is starting to pick up now, so I've decided to put the final chapter count up! Anyway, get strapped in, because it's going to be a long ride!  
> I hope you all are doing well, staying safe and healthy and so on! <3<3<3


	12. Chapter Twelve

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains: allusions to past sexual assault, transgender bathroom difficulties (including high anxiety), past homophobia references, and present mild homo/transphobia. 
> 
> As always, if you have any questions, my contact details are in my profile! <3

_ Ezra was laughing his soft, sweet laugh. AJ giggled with him, moving closer, running their hand down his chest. They were lying in AJ's bed, some movie playing on AJ's monitor. Ezra was on his back, his arm wrapped around AJ, who was pressing their chest to his side, one leg between his. It just felt so comfortable, so easy, and AJ let out a happy sigh, running their hand over Ezra's soft stomach to wrap their arm around him, loving the way he felt.  _

_ AJ loved his shape, loved the soft flesh and the way he could be so confident in his body. It allowed them to feel courage about their own form, even on the days they had barely any confidence of their own. Ezra rolled onto his side suddenly, jogging AJ out of their thoughts as his hand spread on their cheek, pulling them closer, guiding them.  _

_ And they kissed, AJ's heart pounding in their chest as they drew Ezra deeper. It was sweet and warm and perfect, and when he broke away, they cuddled up to his chest, those strong, gentle arms wrapping around them, holding them just right. AJ let out a happy sigh and-  _

AJ woke abruptly to a pounding on their door, Bea's voice carrying through with an irritated bite. 

"AJ! Get up! You said you were going to clean the kitchen and it's already three!" 

AJ groaned softly to themself, rolling their eyes and heaving themself into a sitting position groggily. They knew the only reason Bea cared about whether the kitchen was clean or not was because Dagon was coming over later, and they couldn't help but feel a stirring of resentment. It wasn't like Bea ever cleaned anything herself, anyway. 

"I'm coming!" They called back, wincing as they slowly got to their feet. The client last night had thrown them down fairly hard after getting argumentative about their fees, and they'd landed awkwardly, twisting something in their back. 

AJ did a few stretches to try to relieve the tension, but it didn't seem to help much, so they just focused on getting up. After a trip to the bathroom and a couple minutes spent brushing their teeth, they slipped on a clean shirt and some sweatpants, then tied their hair up messily and headed to the kitchen. Bea was nowhere to be seen, so they just got to work washing dishes and cleaning the countertops, allowing their mind to drift as they worked. 

Usually when they daydreamed while working, they would go through their to-do list or think about new ideas for costumes, but more and more since meeting the bartender, AJ's thoughts were occupied with Ezra. 

He'd been a bit distant lately, and AJ's daydreams had become even more needy, fantasies of Ezra turning up outside their apartment with roses and kissing them in the rain while apologising. AJ had never thought they'd had much romance in their soul, not after it had been stamped out and ground into the proverbial pavement by the realities of sex work, but one smile from Ezra and it all came rushing back. All those romcoms and dramas they'd loved so much as a kid - despite their father's belligerent insistence that they would "make his son gay" - had given them far too much daydreaming material for their own good. 

After all, they didn't need a knight in shining armour, they knew that, but being swept off their feet would be nice every now and then, especially when their feet were this tired. AJ was sick of being a toy, now that they'd experienced affection, genuine affection coupled with gentle care. 

By the time AJ finished cleaning the kitchen, Dagon was knocking on the front door, so they hurried back to their bedroom and crawled under the covers, taking their phone with them and curling up around it. A text popped up on the lock screen and they smiled, a soft little sigh escaping their lungs. 

_ Angel, 10:48 _

_ Are you on shift tonight? xx _

AJ curled a little tighter, still smiling even as Dagon's laugh filtered through the walls, normally enough to make them feel bitter and irritated. 

_ AJ, 16:01  _

_ Yeah, it's going to be a busy one, I expect. Sorry for the late reply, I just woke up xx  _

They bit their lip lightly, then swapped over to tumblr, scrolling for a bit before going back to their texts to book in a regular client. After a while, their phone buzzed again and they hummed to themself, tapping on the notification. 

_ Angel, 16:28 _

_ I'm on as well, and I think you're right. I wish I was in bed now xx _

AJ rolled over happily, typing away with their heart beating a little faster in their chest, excited just by these simple little exchanges. 

_ AJ, 16:30  _

_ I should be working on my costume, really, but I guess we all need a break every now and then, right? Are you at your internship? xx _

It didn't take long for the reply to come in, and AJ bit their lip lightly, trying to contain the huge smile threatening to spread across their face. 

_ Angel, 16:31  _

_ Taking a break is always good for you. And yeah, I am, I'm just sitting outside right now, I needed some fresh air xx _

AJ heard a sharp knocking on their door and looked up, eyes wide, their breath catching. 

"Yeah?" 

"You got any condoms?" Dagon asked loudly, apparently not bothered about general niceties such as saying hello first. 

AJ rolled their eyes and turned their gaze back to their phone. "No, I ran out," they lied, and Dagon snorted before walking off. As soon as the footsteps had retreated across the apartment, AJ got up quickly, darting over to the door and locking it before hurrying back to bed. 

_ AJ, 16:36 _

_ I don't blame you, I don't think I could wear a mask for that long without getting really claustrophobic. I should probably let you get back to it though, right? xx _

AJ closed their eyes for a moment, feeling sleep lapping at their mind, ever so welcoming. 

_ Angel, 16:38  _

_ You get used to it. And yeah, I should be working. I'll see you later, though! xx  _

One last text and AJ switched their phone to silent, rolling over and smiling to themself. 

_ AJ, 16:39  _

_ Looking forward to it! xxx _

AJ got to the club a little later than they'd planned thanks to Dagon throwing a fit about something or other and trying to take it out on them as they left. They didn't have enough time to find Ezra before their set, so they just got ready in a hurry and slipped out into the alley behind the club to take a few deep breaths in the fresh air. 

The glow of a cigarette caught their eye immediately, and they turned their head to see David leaning against the wall, smoking. 

"Hey," he said in casual greeting, and AJ smiled, keeping their distance to stay away from the smoke, but still relaxing in the company of their friend. 

"How are you?" They asked quietly, and David simply shrugged in answer, taking a long pull off his cigarette. 

"Good. I've seen you eyeing up Ezra lately," he added bluntly, causing AJ to blink in shock, feeling rather taken aback, although they had to admit that they were used to David blurting out whatever was on his mind. 

"What? Ezra?" They echoed, and David snorted. 

"Don't give me that innocent routine." 

AJ winced in the face of his friend's gently mocking gaze. "Fine, I've um...I don't know. I...I like him," they admitted quietly. "More than I've ever...I don't think I've ever really liked anyone," they mumbled, looking down at their feet and shuffling them awkwardly. "Not...not more than stupid crushes. And I think...I think he likes me, but it's been a bit complicated. It's not really my area of expertise," AJ added, glancing up at David to see a slightly surprised expression on his face. 

"What makes you think he likes you?" He asked slowly, and AJ leaned against the wall, folding their arms over their chest as they stared off into the gloom of the alley. 

"I um...I don't know. He just...he's always texting me, we have lots of really nice conversations. And whenever we're together, he holds my hands or sometimes touches my cheek. I just...I just get that feeling from him, I see that look in his eyes...do I sound stupid?" 

David sighed, taking a long drag off his cigarette before replying. "No, AJ, you don't sound stupid." 

"I just...he seems to be pulling away recently," AJ rushed out before David could continue, and he arched an eyebrow briefly, another drag causing another lull in the conversation. 

"I think you should just stop stressing about it and take it slow. If it's meant to happen, it will, and if it doesn't, there's something better waiting for you," he answered slowly, picking each word carefully, turning them over before laying them down like bricks in a wall. "I don't get the impression from him that he's well versed in relationship stuff either," David added thoughtfully. "I think his last relationship ended a few years ago from what he's said. Look, he...he seems like a sweet guy, but I just...I don't want you hurt. Maybe you should just...take a step back from rushing into this. After all, it might not ever come to anything." 

AJ shrugged, kicking at the concrete under their feet moodily. "I don't feel like I'm rushing in. I'm being patient, I...I just...I feel, for the first time in my life, that I-" they paused to take a deep breath, trying to ignore how choked up they were getting, their cheeks hot with embarrassment. "I have a chance at having someone who will care for me properly and hold me at night a-and love me, and I can't l-lose that." 

David seemed a bit panicked at this open display of emotion, but he stubbed out the cigarette and gently pulled AJ into his arms, hugging them inexpertly. Compared to Ezra's warm, strong, affectionate, protective, sweet-scented hugs, David's cigarette-stained, rather half hearted embrace was more of a penance than a comfort, but nevertheless, AJ hugged back, letting their head rest comfortably on the front of his shoulder. 

"Don't be silly," he murmured, squeezing them lightly, carefully, as if he thought they were made of exceptionally thin glass. "You'll have so many chances, I promise. Ezra is the first of many, so don't panic. Okay? What are you not going to do?" 

Despite themself, AJ managed a shaky smile. "Panic," they answered obediently, sniffling as David gently pulled away. 

"Good. Now come on, before Michael shouts at us." 

AJ nodded shakily, took a deep breath, and dabbed away the wetness in their eyes so it wouldn't ruin their makeup before following David back inside, his little glances behind him to check they were okay making them feel wanted and cared for, although not as much as one of Ezra's hugs. Once inside, they went their separate ways - David to the bar, AJ to the dressing room.

AJ's set seemed to go particularly well that night, their tip jar almost full when they stepped off the stage. A few people tried to catch their attention with money, but they just pulled them close and told them they were on break and would be available in about ten minutes. They all seemed satisfied with this, and it gave AJ time to grab a drink. They were desperately thirsty, and very much needed to see a certain bartender. 

Their heels clicked on the floor as they walked, purposefully snaking their way through the crowd to see Ezra at the bar, tossing a glass in the air to a slightly tipsy cheer from everyone around him. They smiled to themself and walked over, wrapping a lock of hair around their finger as they waited for him to notice them. It didn't take long, and he looked over to wink at them, flashing a bright, happy smile. AJ grinned back and gestured for him to come over, and he nodded before turning away to finish the drinks he was making. 

Once he was done, he ambled over, immediately starting to mix AJ's drink. "Your set looked good," he commented, and AJ smiled, feeling the blush rise and doing their best to ignore it. 

"You saw it? You seem really busy today." 

"Yeah, I just caught some different bits," Ezra answered, flashing them one of his bright, amiable smiles. "It's slammed in here, huh?" 

"Yeah, I'm gonna have to do some private dances," AJ grumbled, glancing around just as Ezra set the glass on the bar, leaning his elbows on the wood. "At least I'll make some money, I guess." 

Ezra didn't seem to know what to say to this, so AJ picked up the glass, leaning closer to the bartender unconsciously. "Thank you." 

"You're always welcome," Ezra answered, his eyes soft, his chin resting in his hand. "Are you feeling okay today?" 

"Yeah, I'm good," AJ smiled genuinely, taking a sip from the drink and running a hand through their hair to fluff it up slightly. "You?" 

"Tired, but okay. I was um.." he looked away slightly, blushing, and AJ leaned even closer, golden eyes full of interest. "I was thinking about going to this museum tomorrow, it's a bit of a trek, but they have an exhibit on impressionists, and there's supposed to be some really good pieces. I was wondering if um...if you'd want to-" 

"That sounds great," AJ interrupted hurriedly, putting Ezra out of his misery and reaching across the bar to rest their hand on his arm. "I'd love to go with you." 

Ezra cleared his throat, gently pulling away, letting their hand slide from his skin as his cheeks went bright red. "Cool. Maybe we could meet at the bus stop? I um-" 

AJ jumped when a hand landed on their shoulder, a voice in their ear. 

"Shouldn't you be working?" Michael growled, and AJ shot Ezra a look, then slipped off their stool reluctantly, taking their drink with them as they stalked off into the crowd. 

* * *

The next day, AJ headed to the bus stop early, jingling their keys in their coat pocket nervously. It had been a long time since they'd last got on a bus, but they figured that if they took the bus with Ezra instead of driving to meet him at the museum, they'd get to walk home with him. And that was worth the anxiety of actually having to ride the bus. 

They saw him waiting from down the block, his distinctive figure and bright blond hair easy to spot from a distance, and smiled to themself, adjusting their hair and smoothing down the front of their dress. They'd decided to dress up a little, putting on some fancy earrings, nice makeup, and their favourite knee-length black dress. It was a little sexy, but also practical and quite elegant, and looked just as good with high heels as it did with the high top converse they were wearing that day for comfort's sake. It was still freezing, though, so AJ had slipped on some thick red tights to match their red coat with faux fur around the hood, which they were now clutching tight around themself to stay warm. 

As they got closer, they saw Ezra look up from his phone, glancing around. His eyes fell on AJ and their breath hitched in their throat, the way his lips parted and his eyes widened making their heart pound in their chest. 

They smiled nervously as they walked up to him, and he blushed, biting his bottom lip lightly. 

"You uh...you look great," he murmured, and AJ grinned, basking in the compliment and the knowledge that it came without any ulterior motives whatsoever. Most people complimented AJ because they wanted to get them in bed as quickly as possible, but Ezra...he was just genuinely sweet. 

"Thank you. So do you," they answered honestly, gently tugging at the sleeve of his blazer. "Elbow patches suit you." 

"Don't tease," Ezra protested playfully, and AJ laughed, shifting a little closer to him, trying to test the water once more. 

"I wasn't! I'm being serious," they giggled, and Ezra's cheeks flushed even darker, his smile genuine and joyful. 

"If you say so," he chuckled, and AJ nodded, leaning into his chest slightly. 

"I do," they murmured, their gaze flickering down to his lips unconsciously, their breath a little quick with the thought of how soft Ezra's kisses would be, how gentle and careful, just like their dreams. 

Ezra stepped back slightly and AJ turned away sharply, gritting their teeth. This was too complicated - one minute, Ezra seemed about to pin them to the wall and give them the most passionate kiss of their life, the next he was backing away, brushing them off, and they couldn't wrap their head around it. 

Clients were uncomplicated. They were there for one thing, and it was a thing that AJ was good at giving. But Ezra was new and unfamiliar and far, far from easy. 

"The bus," Ezra muttered, and AJ nodded, gloomily watching as the bus pulled up, the doors opening with a hiss. Ezra tried to let them on first, but they gently pushed him in front of them, wanting to watch what he asked for. Once they'd both gotten their tickets from the driver, they sat down near the front, AJ pressing into Ezra slightly to keep away from the people walking down the aisle. Ezra seemed to notice, his hand brushing theirs briefly. 

"Hey. Wanna switch seats?" 

AJ looked up at him in surprise, then nodded slightly, and Ezra guided them to get up as the bus pulled up for a red light. The switch only took a few seconds, but it made AJ infinitely more relaxed, with Ezra between them and the rest of the bus, pinning them to the window with his comforting form. His hand ran over their arm, his fingers dipping between theirs slowly, closing, holding, squeezing until their fingers were laced as tight as possible. His thumb ran over theirs and AJ felt a burst of joy and pain, both glad that he was touching them, and yet even more confused. 

"You look nervous," Ezra commented softly, and AJ shifted, glancing around slightly. 

"I um...I haven't been on a bus in a while a-and...usually being on buses isn't...isn't good for me," they mumbled, noticing that an older man was staring at them, his brow furrowed disapprovingly. 

"I understand," Ezra said simply, and AJ looked at him for a moment, then let their head drop down against his shoulder, a soft sigh passing their lips. He did understand - his suggestion to switch seats made that obvious. He knew why AJ was tense and he knew how to fix it, which made them just a little sad. They didn't like thinking about Ezra being hurt, but they knew that despite their differences, they were both transgender, and trans wasn't the safest thing to be in public, not by a long way. 

Ezra let his head fall against theirs, his thumb running over AJ's slowly, his breath slow and soothing, the motion of the bus making AJ feel a bit sleepy. 

"How far?" 

"About half an hour, magpie," Ezra said simply, and AJ smiled, allowing themself to relax even further. They had plenty of time for a short little nap on their favourite bartender's shoulder, his hand wrapped around theirs, his body warm and comforting. They closed their eyes and began to drop off, their consciousness slipping away. 

After what seemed like only seconds, they woke to Ezra's gentle voice, the knuckles of his spare hand brushing their cheek. 

"Magpie? Wake up, we're nearly there," he murmured, and AJ took a deep breath in, straightening up reluctantly and stretching with a yawn. 

"Feel better for that?" Ezra chuckled softly, squeezing their hand, and AJ nodded, letting their head slot back into place on his shoulder. 

"Mm, yeah. I didn't sleep so well last night," they admitted quietly, and Ezra nodded, leaning his head against theirs again. 

"Any particular reason for that?" 

AJ decided to be honest for the sake of flirting. "I was excited about today," they said simply, and Ezra went quiet, just as the bus pulled up to their stop. Ezra got up hurriedly, gently ushering AJ in front of him, protecting them as they walked down the aisle, thanked the driver, and got off the bus. 

AJ immediately felt lost, stranded in the middle of a busy street, but Ezra was already beside them, gently taking their hand and leading them away from most of the crowd. 

"I think I know where I'm going, but let me just check google maps, I haven’t taken this route before" he mumbled, and AJ nodded, leaning back against a nearby wall and just watching Ezra, studying his concentrated expression, the way his brow furrowed, his lips pursed. He looked unbearably adorable, and AJ wanted to kiss him more than ever, letting their mind drift off into fantasies of pulling him close, of running their fingers through his hair, stroking his cheek before leaning in and- 

"Yeah, it's this way, that's what I thought. AJ? Coming?" 

Blushing, AJ shook themself out of their thoughts and hurried to walk beside Ezra, desperately wanting to reach out, to let their hands brush, but far too nervous. Then they tripped on a crack in the pavement and Ezra's hand shot out, wrapping around their forearm.

"Whoah, be careful!" He chuckled, and AJ flashed him a sheepish smile, turning their hand slightly as an invitation. Ezra took it, his hand sliding to meet theirs and lacing their fingers together, holding, and AJ let out a soft sigh of relief, their thumb running over Ezra's. 

"Gotta make sure you don't trip and fall, huh?" Ezra joked nervously, his cheeks bright red as he glanced around as if looking for something he didn't want to see. 

"Yeah," AJ smiled softly, squeezing his hand lightly just as they rounded the corner and saw the museum. AJ's smile widened, excitement suddenly bursting in their chest. It had been such a long time since they'd gone to an art museum, especially with someone they actually wanted to spend time with rather than with their family or on a school trip. 

As they walked up to get in line for the security check, AJ noticed the signs hanging up, and swallowed hard. 

"Ezra, you didn't tell me we had to pay, I didn't-" 

"It's fine," Ezra soothed hurriedly, flashing them a bright smile, his hand squeezing theirs. "I get a members card with my internship, so I get free tickets for me and a guest." 

AJ's shoulders dropped, the panic fading as quickly as it had come. "Oh. Thank you," they murmured, and Ezra gently bumped their shoulder with his. 

"You're welcome, it's not like it costs me anything," he pointed out with a soft chuckle, and AJ smiled shyly, knowing they were blushing, but beyond caring. 

"True. But like...thanks for inviting me and everything," they mumbled, and Ezra hummed to himself softly. 

"Thank you for coming with me." 

AJ swallowed and decided not to reply, just as they reached the front of the line, where there was a guard standing next to a metal detector. They moved to step through, but Ezra gently caught their arm and smiled at the guard, showing off his employee card. The guard simply nodded and waved him past the detector, and they both headed towards the main entrance, climbing up the last set of steps side by side. AJ couldn’t help but feel a slight thrill, as if they were being let into a private club, and they gave an excited little shiver as they followed Ezra through the doors.

"I know we came for the exhibition, but if there's anything else you want to see, we can go there too," Ezra pointed out with a smile, handing AJ one of the maps from the stack by the entrance and standing patiently while they unfolded it. 

"I'd like to see the Turners," they admitted quietly, and Ezra nodded, moving closer to them to look over their shoulder. 

"Should we do the exhibit first?" 

"Yeah, that sounds good," AJ smiled, glancing around and suddenly feeling rather glad they'd dressed up. A lot of people walking around looked quite fancy, and the building itself was very impressive. They jumped when Ezra's hand closed around theirs, and he tried to withdraw, but they quickly shoved the map in their coat pocket and grabbed his hand, flashing him a shy smile. 

"I'm excited," they announced softly, and Ezra blushed, nodding slightly. 

"Me too," he agreed, and they began to walk, making their way through the impressive old corridors with their marble pillars and fancy woodwork. AJ felt just a little out of place, but did their best to ignore it, sticking close to Ezra's side whenever they had to walk through a particularly busy area. 

It took them a little while to find the exhibit, as it was quite tucked away, but they managed it eventually, and Ezra showed his card to the employee by the door. She simply smiled and waved them through, so AJ hurried after Ezra, still clinging to his hand tightly. 

Once they were inside the gallery, AJ felt comfortable enough to let go of Ezra, as there weren't many people and it was mostly silent. Ezra wandered off to go look at a painting that had caught his eye, so AJ began to walk around the room, considering each painting and reading the short description. They made it around the room quicker than Ezra, so they slipped into the next one and blinked, finding themself pulled towards a particular piece in the corner. It was a Renoir, and the plaque beside it declared its title to be  _ In the Woods.  _

Something about it was preventing them from looking away, drawing them in, causing emotion to well up in their chest. They wanted to be there, to be wrapped up in the peacefulness of the painting, and when they felt a hand on their shoulder and turned to see Ezra, his face was blurred by their tears. 

"Are you okay?" Ezra whispered, and AJ managed a soft chuckle, wiping their cheeks and sniffling before flinging their arms around him and squeezing him tightly. Confused, Ezra hugged back, stroking their hair as they turned their head to talk softly into his ear. 

"Thank you so much for bringing me," they breathed, and he just hugged them tighter, stroking their hair slowly. 

After a few long, blissful moments, AJ began to break away, wiping their cheeks again and looking up to find Ezra so close, those soft blue eyes utterly intoxicating. They could so easily imagine kissing him, their fingers on his jaw, their lips on his, but after the mixed messages they'd been getting from him, it was far too nerve-wracking. Ezra reached up slowly, brushing their hair back behind their ear, and AJ almost shuddered, the tears welling up again, this time in frustration and suppressed desire. They managed to push them down, however, forcing a slightly shaky smile. 

"I like this one," they mumbled at last, gesturing to the painting and turning to face it again, breaking away from Ezra and that heavy, burdened moment. 

"I can tell," Ezra murmured in a voice that suggested he should have laughed, but without any accompanying chuckle. "You like Renoir?" 

AJ nodded, hugging themself loosely and taking a sharp breath in when Ezra moved to stand beside them, his arm sliding around their waist. "Yeah. Impressionism isn't my favourite, but I do like their landscapes. Especially Renoir and Monet." 

"You never told me you were into art," Ezra hummed, and this time the strain in his voice was gone, his gently teasing tone sounding much more genuine. 

"You never asked," AJ smiled, relieved as that last bit of tension dropped away, the air clear once more - or at least, as clear as it had been before those awkward few minutes. 

"True, true," Ezra chuckled, squeezing them lightly before his arm fell away. "I'm gonna finish looking around." 

AJ just nodded, stepping closer to the painting, giving it one last, long look before finally walking away.

By the time they left the museum, it was getting fairly late in the afternoon, so Ezra suggested a late lunch. AJ was all too happy to agree, as they hadn't had time to eat breakfast that morning, and now that it was almost three, they were getting more than a little hungry. 

It didn't take them long to find a nice cafe tucked away around the corner, and they took a table near the window, sitting down together comfortably. 

"I'm glad you enjoyed the museum," Ezra said quietly, leaning his elbow on the table and his chin in his hand. "I haven't got anyone else to come with me to things like this, not since Anathema got really busy with uni." 

AJ smiled, catching their lip in their teeth again. "I'll come with you anytime," they assured him, then got up, their fingers brushing over his shoulder. "I'm just going to the loo, I'll be back." 

Ezra simply nodded, so they headed to the back of the cafe and followed the signs down a narrow stairway. The toilets were, unfortunately, divided by gender, so AJ hesitated for a moment before ducking into the men's, hoping that they'd be alone. 

Sadly, luck wasn't on their side, and as they hurried towards a stall, they realised there was a man standing at the sink, staring at them in shock. 

"Ma'am, this is the men's!" 

AJ froze, their heart pounding in their ears, panic suddenly flowing through them. The man was tall, and just all around huge, and - the cherry on the sundae - looking more and more angry with every passing second. AJ made an immediate decision and fled, wordlessly slipping out of the bathroom and hurrying back up the stairs and over to Ezra, who looked up in surprise. 

"That was a short trip, are you...are you okay?" He went on more quietly, apparently having noticed the flustered colour on their cheeks. AJ collapsed into their chair, searching through their coat pockets for hand sanitizer, their hands shaking slightly. 

"There was a man a-and he...he told me to leave," they mumbled vaguely, their searching becoming more and more frantic as the sadness and self-hatred built. "He told me to use the ladies', but I can't because I'm...I'm.." 

Their nostrils flared, tears choking them, but Ezra was already getting up, gently pulling at their elbow. 

"Come on, magpie. I'll go with you, yeah?" 

The fear melted away immediately, AJ's shoulders sagging as they got up beside Ezra, already rushing out their thanks. 

"It's no problem, come on," Ezra soothed, flashing them a smile and guiding them towards the back of the cafe. "And you can use the ladies' if that's what you want."

"I wish there was a third option. I'll use the men's," AJ sighed, and Ezra nodded, leading them down the narrow stairs. 

"Or just one for everyone," he mused, pushing the door to the men's restroom open and smiling at AJ comfortingly as they stepped inside. The man had gone, so they slipped into a stall quickly, did what they had to, and stepped back out to wash their hands. Ezra was gone, apparently waiting outside, and AJ smiled to themself, reassured by the fact that he respected their privacy, even when accompanying them for comfort. 

Once they'd washed their hands, they headed out of the bathroom to see Ezra waiting by the stairs, a smile spreading across his face when he saw them. 

"You go ahead, I'm going to nip in myself," he said quietly, and AJ nodded, thanking him again softly before heading upstairs. 

They still felt a bit shaky, but they managed to sit down and take a look at the menu, searching for a good light option. Luckily, there were plenty to choose from, and by the time Ezra came back, they'd already chosen the salad they liked the sound of best. 

"Hey. You okay?" He asked as soon as he sat down, and AJ nodded, managing a slightly strained smile. 

"Just a bit stressed, you know how it is." 

"Yeah, I didn't start using men's bathrooms regularly until after I had a full beard," Ezra chuckled, reaching across the table to trace a circle on the back of AJ's hand with one gentle fingertip. 

"I can't imagine you with a beard," AJ chuckled, and Ezra wrinkled his nose, shaking his head slightly. 

"Yeah, it wasn't good. Definitely didn't suit me," he smiled, then shrugged one shoulder. "But I tried it." 

"I mean, you're a trans guy who decided to go through medical transition, isn't it a requirement to have a beard at some point?" AJ teased, and Ezra nodded solemnly. 

"If you don't, they kick you out of the trans club altogether," he joked, and AJ tilted their head slightly, eyes soft as they stared at him. 

"I like having someone to joke around with like this. And to help me out," they added softly, feeling their cheeks heat up again. 

Ezra suddenly looked slightly nervous, his gaze dropping to AJ's hands, still laid comfortably on the table. "Can I ask you something?" 

"Of course," AJ answered simply, doing their best to squash the slight apprehension welling up. They trusted Ezra, they really did, but sometimes they needed to remind themself of that fact. 

"What's your gender identity? I know you're non-binary, but do you...define yourself any further than that? I just...we haven't spoken about gender much, and I'd like to, as long as it doesn't upset you or anything," he said a little hesitantly, still not really looking at them until he finished. 

AJ shrugged, relief flooding through them. This was easy to answer, especially since they were talking to another trans person. "I just say non-binary at the moment. I don't really know much more than that, I'm still figuring things out because I don't really have much time to think on my own," they said quietly, resting their cheek against their hand and smiling at him softly. "I'm pretty settled on non-binary, though. I like my pronouns a lot, they feel very right." 

Ezra nodded, his smile happy and understanding, truly understanding. "I'm glad you've found that for yourself," he said sincerely, and AJ blushed, but didn't look away from him, allowing themself to get lost in those bright eyes. 

"Thank you. It...well, it took me a while to figure it out, I didn’t have many people to talk to about things while I was younger,” they went on slowly, the words coming easily, spilling out of them with that attentive, gentle gaze focused on them. “I was pretty lonely, I didn’t have that many friends in school or...or after, so I spent a lot of time on the internet,” they admitted, with an embarrassed laugh. “I...I know it sounds kind of...sad, but it’s how I found the community and the resources to help me realise that I could even be anything other than just...a guy. I thought I might be a trans woman for a while, but I dunno...I don’t really feel like either a man or a woman, I just feel like me. If that makes sense,” AJ added nervously, and Ezra simply smiled. 

“It doesn’t sound sad, don’t worry. I think it’s pretty common for trans people our age to find community on the internet, and I think going through a lot of different identities before finding the right one to fit you is also really normal. I’m just glad you’ve found something that works for you,” he murmured, and AJ smiled back shyly, looking down at the table and running their index finger over a groove in the wood. 

“Thanks, that’s really sweet. I'm...I'm really glad to have met another trans person, you know. Well, one that I get on with, anyway. It's so nice to be able to talk about these things." 

Ezra nodded agreement, opening his mouth to reply just as a waitress walked over. They both ordered their food and, as she left, AJ realised that Ezra was staring at them as if studying them, learning every inch of their skin. 

They blushed immediately and looked down, their throat tightening again as Ezra's hand slid over theirs, gently turning it so he could draw slow circles and little 8's into AJ's palm with his fingertip.

"I don't make friends often," AJ said suddenly, their heart thudding against their ribcage as they wondered desperately where they were going with this. "I'm...I'm not really in the right kind of job for meeting...nice people. I...I just...I'm really glad I met you," they went on nervously, still watching his plump finger on their hand. "Aside from trans stuff and everything else, I...I'm very thankful that you're in my life." 

Ezra's hand went still for a terrible moment or two, and AJ wanted to look up, they were screaming at themself in their head to look up, to look at his expression, but they felt frozen, their mouth dry, their cheeks on fire. 

"I'm thankful for you too," Ezra said simply, his voice a little thick. 

AJ looked up at last and saw the emotion on his face, saw the shaky smile. Then Ezra glanced away and let out a soft breath, the discomfort fading from his expression before AJ could even begin to attempt the task of interpreting the rest of his emotions. 

"I finished that season of  _ Red Dwarf,"  _ Ezra said suddenly, very obviously changing the subject, to both their relief. 

AJ tilted their head slightly, red curls spilling off their shoulders. "Did you like it?" 

The chatter flowed easily from then on, breaking off only briefly when they went to order their food, and then again when the waitress brought it over. 

AJ got themself a small sandwich with a side salad instead of crisps, and picked at it while Ezra tucked into a burger and chips. Despite how hungry they were and how delicious it all was, AJ managed only a bit more than half the sandwich, and caught Ezra's worried looks, but did their best to ignore it.

Once they'd finished eating, they paid separately and headed back onto the street, talking again, their hands brushing together as they talked. 

"You ever look at someone and just...think they must have the most boring life imaginable?" Ezra asked suddenly, his gaze fixed on a man walking past on his phone, his crisp suit and shiny shoes making him look exactly like every other businessman in the city. AJ giggled, trying to keep their voice even and calm as they dared to turn their hand slightly, their pinky catching Ezra's. Ezra didn't react, not a muscle twitched in his face, but his little finger curled around AJ's, preventing their hand from sliding away from his. 

"Yeah, I know what you mean," AJ mumbled, taking a deep breath as they squeezed Ezra's finger lightly before gently pulling their hand away to try again. This time, Ezra laced their fingers, apparently fed up with the cute little games, his thumb running over AJ's slowly. 

"Can I ask you something?" He said quietly, as they continued down the noisy, busy street, constantly bombarded with new sounds and smells and sights. 

"Maybe," AJ answered, and Ezra nodded slightly, squeezing their hand ever so gently. 

"I'll just ask, but you don't have to answer. You never mention your family, is that...is there a reason for that?" 

AJ tripped over nothing, their heart stuttering in their chest. "Uh...y-yeah," they choked, then flashed Ezra a strained smile, walking a little closer to him, their shoulders brushing with every slow step. "They kicked me out when they...when I came out as gay." 

Ezra sighed and looked away sharply. "Sorry, I shouldn't have...I shouldn't have asked, I-" 

"It's fine," AJ interrupted hurriedly, flashing him a slightly more genuine smile, the flare of emotion fading faster than usual with Ezra beside them. "It's been a really long time since then, and I don't really miss them. They threw out their sixteen year old just because of one little thing, they're not nice people." 

Ezra nodded slightly, biting his lip as he looked at the ground for a few steps. "I'm really sorry that happened to you, but I'm...I'm glad you're free of them. My um...my dad can be a bit that way about me, he um...he still misgenders me quite a bit," he sighed, and AJ squeezed his hand in subtle comfort. "I'm here for you, if you...if you need to talk," Ezra added awkwardly, and AJ managed a soft smile, their fingers tightening around Ezra's hand. 

"Thank you. And likewise to you, too. If you ever need anything...maybe when Father's Day comes around we can have a barbecue together," they joked, and Ezra chuckled, flashing them a bright smile that definitely made them feel a whole lot better. 

"Well, I hope you're going to be the one supplying a barbecue, 'cause I definitely don't have one," he grinned, and AJ rolled their eyes just as they reached the bus stop and settled down to wait. 

A sudden gust of wind made Ezra shiver, so AJ made a show of shivering in solidarity before wrapping their arms around him tightly, hoping that their body heat would keep him a little warmer. They didn’t want to tease him about his coat again in case he got upset, so they just tucked their chin over his shoulder and leaned into his soft chest. 

"Can I ask you something else? I promise it's not as intense," Ezra spoke up after a couple of minutes, and AJ simply nodded. 

"Sure," they murmured, closing their eyes as they let their head rest against his. 

"What's the deal with the lemon tree?" 

AJ hesitated for a moment in surprise, then laughed and hugged him a little tighter, comfortable and so, so warm in his embrace. "Well, I wanted to get a pet to look after, just for...well, company, I guess. But my landlord doesn't even let us have fish, so I went to this garden centre to get an indoor plant, just to make my room a bit less depressing, and the store attendant there laughed and said that getting a mini fruit tree is a bit like a pet and I was really upset that day, and...I dunno. It seemed like a good idea at the time, but it always seems to be on the brink of death," they finished with a laugh, their eyes still happily closed. "At least it's something to look at, I guess." 

"Fair enough," Ezra chuckled, just as the bus pulled up. AJ gently broke away from Ezra and followed him onto the bus, scanning their card for the ticket. There were a couple people standing for some reason, despite the free seats towards the back, so AJ just followed Ezra, trying to keep their head down as they felt people staring at them. 

"Fuckin' faggot," muttered a deep voice just as they passed a tall, bald man in another one of those crisp, photocopy suits. Ezra's step faltered and he glanced back with murder in his eyes, then saw AJ's expression and sighed, reaching back to grab their hand. 

As soon as they reached the seats, Ezra gently pushed AJ to take the one by the window and sat down beside them, glaring daggers at the man, who had been still staring at AJ, but looked away in the face of Ezra's rage. 

Ezra glanced at them, then unzipped his backpack and began fumbling through the main pocket for something. After a moment or two, he produced a pair of ear buds and handed one to AJ, wordlessly plugging the other end of the cable into his phone. 

"Just to help you calm down," he explained softly, flashing them a worried smile as they looked down at the earbud in their hand and realised, in a rather distant way, that they were shaking. "I won't let anyone touch you," Ezra added quietly, but firmly, and AJ managed a washed-out smile in return, carefully putting the earbud in. Ezra put his in as well and shifted closer to AJ, taking their hand as he pressed play. 

AJ didn't recognise the song, so they leaned their head on Ezra's shoulder, gently reaching over to take his phone and look at the title.  _ From Eden  _ popped up on the screen, and AJ smiled to themself, handing Ezra's phone back wordlessly and pressing closer to him, turning their head so their face was against his neck, the curve of his neck fitting perfectly into the bridge of their nose. Ezra's arm slipped around them slowly, a little uncertain, but they simply smiled, relaxing into him and staying there, comfortable, for the rest of the trip home. They listened to Hozier the whole way, and AJ decided that it had been a good choice from Ezra - it kept them feeling calm and safe even in a setting that made them so nervous. 

By the time they had to get off the bus, AJ was even starting to feel a bit sleepy, and Ezra had to wake them up from a half-doze. 

Ezra dropped his earbuds back into his bag and took AJ's hand as they got off the bus, his fingers sliding between theirs automatically. AJ squeezed his hand lightly and followed his lead as he began to walk back towards their apartments. 

"I really liked that song," AJ said after a minute, feeling like they needed to fill the silence. "The first one." 

"From Eden?" Ezra smiled, his thumb running over theirs slowly. "It's one of my favourite songs ever. It always makes me smile." 

AJ nodded, a bit distracted by the way Ezra's shoulder kept brushing theirs as they walked, their mind drifting off into thoughts of his hugs and curling up on the couch against his warmth. 

"AJ?" 

They flinched, and Ezra gently pulled them to a stop, his eyes worried. "You spaced out, is everything okay?" 

AJ swallowed, took a deep breath, and smiled. "Yeah, I was just daydreaming," they said honestly, and Ezra seemed to accept this, starting to walk again slowly. 

"That's okay, I was just worried about you. You looked a bit out of it and when I tried to talk to you, you didn't respond," he explained, his tone light and conversational, but worry still etched in his expression. 

"Sorry, I um...I have strong daydreams," AJ chuckled nervously, a little concerned by his reaction. But Ezra just nodded, apparently accepting this. 

"I get that," he said simply, his thumb running over theirs slowly. "Do I get to ask what the daydreaming was about?" 

AJ choked, shock and sudden fear exploding in their chest, their fingers tightening on Ezra's hand. "Just what I need to do when I get home," they lied a little too hurriedly and a little too loudly. 

Ezra glanced at them, but didn't say anything until they reached AJ's building. They reached into their spacious coat pocket and fumbled for their keys, then looked up at Ezra hopefully, biting their lip ever so softly. 

"Would you...would you maybe want to come inside? I can...I can make some tea and we could watch something," AJ suggested, doing their best to make it seem like a casual suggestion rather than a desperate plea. 

Ezra sighed and shook his head, shoving his hands in his coat pocket and looking down at his feet as he shuffled them. 

"No, I um...I'd love to, but I have work to do at home, you know how it is," he mumbled, and AJ nodded, disappointment blooming, tinged with just a touch of hurt. 

"Okay," they answered quietly, not wanting to push. "Thanks for um...for today, it's the most fun I've had in a while," they admitted, and found themself immediately tugged into a tight embrace, hesitating for a moment in shock before burying their face in Ezra's hair and letting out a soft sigh as they hugged him back just as tightly. 

Ezra's hand wandered to AJ's hair briefly, stroking it a few times and sending little shivers down AJ's spine. It just felt so nice to be touched by someone so gentle and careful and in such an easy, unsexual way. 

And then Ezra was pulling away and they had to squash the urge to pull him back, their smile a bit brittle. 

"I'll see you tomorrow night, yeah?" Ezra murmured, and AJ nodded, the smile becoming a little easier. 

"Thanks again," they mumbled, and Ezra reached up, tucking an errant lock of hair behind their ear, his eyes focused a little lower. 

"You're always welcome," he smiled softly, his gaze finally meeting theirs, the breathtaking longing and desire in his eyes making AJ feel even more confused. It was exhausting, being this confused. One moment, Ezra looked about to kiss them, the next, he was refusing to go into their apartment. AJ was getting more than slightly sick of it, but at the same time, they knew they would never have the courage to make the first move. 

"I'll see you tomorrow," they smiled, and fled into their apartment, hurrying all the way into their bedroom and only relaxing when the door was shut behind them. They stared at the carpet for a moment or two, then sighed heavily and reminded themself that they needed to be getting ready for a client. Their heart heavy in their chest, they slowly began to get undressed, doing their best to put Ezra out of their mind as they started the shower running. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys!   
> I hope everyone is doing well, and that you guys enjoyed this chapter! It's one of my favourites, to be honest :)   
> As an aside, I just thought I'd mention how much I love reading your comments! Comments always make me so happy, and I just want you guys to know how much I appreciate you taking time out of your day to write something, even if it's just a short message, I appreciate each and every one! Thank you all for being so supportive!   
> <3<3<3


	13. Chapter Thirteen

About a week after the museum trip, Ezra was working a particularly busy shift at the club. He was constantly mixing at least one drink, the crowd around the bar apparently never-ending. He looked up from pouring out drinks to glance down the bar and noticed that David was talking to Bea, AJ's roommate. Ezra had never had a conversation with her himself, but didn't entirely trust her. From the very little AJ had said about their living situation, it didn't seem like Bea was very considerate or even very nice to them, and Ezra couldn't help but feel a bit protective, even though he knew AJ was more than capable of handling themself. 

After a moment, David looked up and gestured to Ezra, and Bea nodded, her sharp gaze suddenly on him. Ezra winced, immediately nervous, but Bea was already walking away from David, shoving her way through the crowd to get to Ezra. 

"Come with me," she shouted over the din, and Ezra blinked in shock, then nodded, ducking through the gap in the bar and hurrying after the small figure as she wound her way towards the back room. His heart began to beat faster in his chest, fear rising that this might be something to do with Michael's threat, but as soon as he stepped through the door to the back, the fear melted away. He could hear shouting, and he knew that voice. 

He rushed past Bea, pushing the dressing room door open and hesitating when he saw the carnage in front of him. AJ was standing in the middle of all of their things, obviously having pulled them from their locker and thrown them to the ground in a fit of stress-fuelled rage. One of the other performers was trying to help, but AJ kept slapping their hands away and screaming at them, tears streaming down their cheeks. 

Ezra hurried forward, forgetting the fifteen or so pairs of eyes on him as he reached up instinctively, gently brushing AJ's hair out of their eyes. They were sobbing heavily now, their whole body wracked with each breath, the sounds soft and pitiful. 

"Oh, it's okay," Ezra murmured softly, his hands running down, squeezing their shoulders gently. "Shhh, it's alright. Everything's okay," he went on, ignoring AJ's choked protests. "Come here," he added, very slowly and gently guiding AJ into his embrace. They fought against him briefly, but soon gave up and simply melted into him, their face pressed into his neck, their sobs still making their whole body shake. 

"It's alright," Ezra went on softly, leaning his head against theirs and stroking their hair slowly, the other hand rubbing gentle circles into their back. "Focus on breathing, magpie. In and out...yeah, that's it. It's alright," he soothed, completely focused on his companion, everything else melting away except him and the still-shaking AJ. They clung to him, fingers twisting in his shirt, the sobs becoming less and less until they finally trailed off into sniffles. Ezra pulled away from the hug and cupped their face in his hands, his thumbs running over their skin and catching their tears as they tried to focus those beautiful golden eyes on his.

"There we go," Ezra praised softly, a smile pulling at his lips as he realised AJ had almost stopped crying. "What happened, hmm?" 

AJ's sticky cheeks flushed and they looked down, sniffling as another round of tears spilled. "M-my costume doesn't fit," they mumbled shakily. "The bit I ordered...a-and I can't do the new routine." 

Ezra hesitated for a moment, then pulled them into a gentle hug, cradling the back of their head once more. "I'm sorry, sweetheart. I'm sorry. But it's okay, yeah? You can fix it, you'll just have to do the old one tonight. It's not the end of the world, I promise. I know it seems like it right now, and it's perfectly fine to feel that way, but it's not. Okay?" 

AJ managed a shaky nod and another sniffle, so Ezra just sighed and clutched them tighter, his heart breaking for them. It was obvious to him that AJ lived a very high-anxiety life, constantly having to do things they didn't like much to make money, always having to work nights, dealing with an inconsiderate roommate. It all added up, and AJ clearly didn't deal with stress well. He didn't pity them, exactly, but he did feel sorry for them, and he understood better than most that anxiety sometimes took the form of 'tantrums.'

"I'm sorry," AJ whimpered, and Ezra shook his head slightly, squeezing them tighter. 

"Shhh, it's okay. I understand, I do. Let's get this mess cleaned up, yeah?" He murmured as he pulled away, finally noticing AJ's state of undress for the first time. They were wearing nothing but a pair of very tight, very lacy, very skimpy panties, and the realisation made Ezra blush bright red, quickly tearing his gaze away and dragging it back up to their face. Somewhat unfamiliar thoughts were stirring in his mind, and he did his best to ignore them, but seeing so much of AJ all at once was rather overwhelming. Especially in those panties, which apparently weren't really for the sake of covering anything so much as simply holding it in place. AJ blushed suddenly, grabbing a towel from the mess and quickly wrapping it around themself. 

"I c-can clean up," they mumbled, and Ezra suddenly felt useless, extra, superfluous. And the stares didn't help; he could feel the eyes of the other performers boring into the back of his skull, so he just nodded awkwardly and hesitated for a moment, debating whether to hug AJ again before deciding not to. With all those people watching, he couldn't help but be nervous, worrying about what might happen if Michael walked in - whether she'd count it as him 'crossing the line' or not. Sighing, Ezra let his hands slip from their cheeks and forced a smile before turning smartly on his heel and hurrying back to the bar without another word. 

The crowd had finally died down, so he ducked back under the gap and hurried over to David, who gave him a worried look. 

"Is AJ okay?" 

Ezra blinked, a bit surprised by the question, then nodded, starting to slice some more lemons hurriedly. "They had a bit of a panic over their costume, but they're calm now," he answered simply, and David shifted closer. 

"How'd you get them to calm down?" He asked, sounding genuinely impressed. Ezra glanced at him, then shrugged and went back to slicing. 

"Just the usual way, a hug and some encouragement," he said, getting a little confused as to where this was going. 

"Well, you must have magic hugs then," David chuckled, shaking his head slightly. "No one else can ever get close enough to even try that," he added, tilting his head and giving Ezra a thoughtful look. Ezra opened his mouth to reply, just as a customer walked over to the bar and David turned away to help them. 

After a few more minutes, Ezra was cleaning glasses when he heard familiar music start up and looked up just in time to see AJ stalking onto the stage. They looked completely normal and content, working the crowd the way they always did, throwing themself into the music. 

Ezra didn't watch most of it, mostly because he didn't want to start an argument with himself about feeling jealous. It always made him feel selfish when he saw AJ up there and began to wish there wasn't an audience. After all, it was their job, their life, and their body - not his. And he didn’t like the fact that his jealous feelings suggested that, deep down, he thought that AJ owed him something. He knew they didn't, he knew that just because they were friends and he wanted more, he wasn't owed sole rights to seeing AJ dance. 

And since he couldn't seem to stop any of these feelings, no matter how hard he tried to reason them away, he did his best not to watch, not until right up to the end, when AJ made their way down the steps gracefully, heading for the bar. Just as they slipped out of the main crowd and Ezra smiled at them, Michael appeared from nowhere, grabbing their arm roughly. AJ winced, annoyance passing over their face briefly. They shot Ezra a glance as they were yanked away from the bar and towards one of the private rooms, jogging to catch up with Michael so she didn't inadvertently twist their arm out of its socket. He wasn't quite sure what the expression on their face had been, but he did know it wasn't particularly happy. And the jealousy was back, despite his best efforts. It wasn't that he wanted to be in one of those rooms with AJ on his lap, not by a long way - it wasn't really his type of thing. But he didn't like that other people got that close to them when the closest Ezra could manage was a few inches from their lips. 

He gritted his teeth against himself, irritation biting at him just as his rational thoughts broke through the endless argument and reminded him of how roughly Michael had grabbed AJ. The internal debate ended in a truce and an agreement for all parts of Ezra to turn his rage outwards against Michael. She treated AJ like a thing, a machine to make money, nothing more than a mindless collection of muscles. After all, she'd prioritised their availability to that mystery client over their potential happiness, and now she was making it obvious that she didn't care about their comfort. It made Ezra more than a little concerned, not only for AJ's mental state, but also their safety. 

With all those anxious thoughts swirling in his mind, Ezra wanted desperately to see AJ one more time before the end of his shift, but by the time the other bartender showed up to relieve him, AJ was still in another room. Michael had been towing them from room to room all night, at one point shoving a bottle of water into their hand when they shot a glance towards the bar and Ezra. 

Despite his need to see his friend, Ezra knew he had to go home, as he had an important appointment the next day, and he needed to be well-rested. So he left reluctantly, taking his time with putting his coat on in the vain hope that AJ might magically appear right before he had to leave. Unfortunately, this wasn't to be, and Ezra headed home feeling oddly incomplete, crawling into bed almost as soon as he got to his room. 

* * *

Ezra woke the next morning with his phone vibrating under his face. He wasn't sure how it had gotten there, but he lifted his head to see a text from AJ, coming in just as the do not disturb restriction lifted on his notifications. 

_ Magpie, 1:04 _

_ I'm sorry I missed you, I wanted to say thank you for calming me down. It was really sweet of you, and I'm sorry for the way I acted xx  _

Ezra smiled to himself sleepily and picked up his phone to reply just as there was a loud knocking on his door. 

"Ezra! Wake up, we gotta go in half an hour!" 

Groaning, Ezra hauled himself into a sitting position, pressing the heel of his hand against the bridge of his nose. 

"I'm coming!" He called back, and Anathema sighed, her footsteps receding down the hall. Ezra sat for a moment, collecting his thoughts, then began to fit his prosthesis so he could get up, remembering the text just as he finished and scooping his phone up again. 

_ Ezra, 9:13  _

_ That's okay, I had to leave early so I could get up for a doctor's appointment today. And don't apologise, I completely understand. I'm just glad you're feeling okay now xx _

Once he'd hit send, Ezra got up and began his day, getting dressed hurriedly and eating breakfast as quickly as he could. It took him a couple minutes to lace his shoes, Anathema waiting impatiently, jingling her keys. 

"I'm coming, I'm coming," Ezra muttered grumpily, straightening up with a wince. Anathema just rolled her eyes and gently pulled him out of the door, pushing him ahead of her so he left the building more quickly. She dragged him all the way to her car and then stopped, glancing back at him when he froze. 

"Ez, it's okay," she said softly, her body language and tone suddenly gentle and slightly worried. Ezra just stared at the car, his vision blurring, the sound of tyres screeching filling his ears. 

"Ezra, come on," Anathema urged gently, and Ezra stumbled forward, sticking his hand out instinctively and falling against the car. He closed his eyes for a moment, then took a deep breath, allowing his mind to wander to AJ and their smile as Anathema carefully guided him around to the passenger seat, helping him in. Ezra buckled his seatbelt and clung onto it while Anathema got behind the wheel. She leaned over and stroked his hair slowly, trying to smooth down the unruly curls. 

"Didn't you manage to get into AJ's car?" 

Ezra nodded, although her voice sounded as if it was coming from a mile away. "They're...not a...they're a fast driver a-and...and I.." he mumbled, unable to get the words out. Anathema nodded understandingly, her fingers in the soft, short hairs at the back of his neck, rubbing little circles into his skin. 

"You got scared again, huh?" She murmured, then leaned over. "I'm going to start the engine, alright? I'll just leave it running for a moment to start with." 

Ezra nodded, and Anathema turned the key, the old engine sputtering to life. He flinched, but Anathema's hand was on his, squeezing gently.

"Open your eyes, Ez. Focus on me," she soothed, and he obeyed shakily, his eyes swimming with tears as he dug his fingernails into the fraying, stained fabric of the seat. Anathema smiled encouragingly and stroked his cheek slowly, the way she always did when he was panicking. "Take deep breaths and tell me about AJ." 

Ezra's eyes widened briefly in surprise, but he managed to open his mouth, the words briefly getting a bit stuck. "They...they...cried when we went to the museum," he mumbled at last, his voice becoming stronger and calmer the more he spoke. "They saw this Renoir they liked and I asked them about it and they hugged me and cried. And then on the bus, they fell asleep with their head on my shoulder.." he trailed off and Anathema smiled sadly, tracing his jawline with her knuckles. 

"There you go, keep thinking about that, okay? We're going to start driving now, because it's going to take us an hour." 

Ezra nodded shakily and Anathema turned the old CD player on, filling the car with a collection of soothing songs Ezra had put together himself. 

As they drove, he began to settle more and more with Anathema checking in on him frequently, and, as soon as he was calm enough, gently steering him into easy conversation to keep him distracted. At one point, a car cut past Anathema and she had to break hard, which almost sent Ezra into hysterics, but he managed to deal with it, forcing himself to breathe slowly and imagine the soothing feeling of AJ's chest rising and falling against his. 

As soon as Anathema had parked, however, Ezra got out hurriedly and leaned against a lamppost while Anathema paid for parking. She smiled at him as she walked back, reaching up to rub between his shoulders gently.

"You made it," she chuckled, although her tone wasn't mocking. "Do you need to breathe for a bit?" 

"No, I'm okay to go in," Ezra sighed, and Anathema nodded, starting to walk with him slowly, carrying his crutches for him as he was still a bit shaky from the car ride. 

"AJ's driving really messed you up, huh?" She commented after a moment or two, flashing Ezra a teasing grin. "You haven't been that bad in a while.." 

Ezra shrugged, biting the inside of his cheek lightly before answering. "I'll be okay."

"I know you will," Anathema said firmly, opening the door for him and letting him slip past her and into the building. 

He made his way to the desk, checked in, and sat down beside Anathema to wait, glancing at her before looking down at his lap. 

"Thank you for coming, I know I'm a pain about driving and all." 

Anathema snorted and shook her head, leaning against his shoulder lightly. "You're not a pain, Ezra. And I like helping you, I'm your friend. That's what I'm here for. How long have we known each other again?" 

"Since year one in primary school," Ezra mumbled, and Anathema nodded slightly. 

"Mhm. And how many times have we saved each other's butts?" 

"A lot," Ezra smiled, some of the shame dropping away as she gently squeezed his arm. 

"Exactly. I just wish you'd go to therapy," she added quietly, and Ezra sighed. 

"If you can magic me up the time and the money, I'll go," he answered shortly, and Anathema just nodded, letting out a soft sigh. 

After a few more minutes, Ezra's name popped up on the screen and he flashed Anathema a smile before taking his crutches from her and heading off down the hall. He knew the way well by now, and was soon knocking on Dr. Anderson's door. 

It was opened immediately, and Ezra's prosthetist smiled at him brightly, gesturing for him to come inside. 

"Hey, Ezra! How are you?" 

Ezra smiled, following her inside and sitting down on the bench to take his shoes off. "I'm well enough, yeah," he said simply, undoing the drawstring on his sweatpants carefully. 

"So I'm sure your GP said all of this to you," Dr. Anderson went on while Ezra slipped his sweats off to reveal comfortable shorts underneath. "But they sent me those scans of your leg and you sent me the videos of you walking, and I've decided that you need a bit of an upgrade, so we're going to try a whole new prosthesis today, not just the socket." 

Ezra nodded and opened the valve, then winced as he slipped his prosthesis free and set it aside. 

"May I?" Dr. Anderson smiled, and Ezra simply nodded again, watching as she carefully removed his liners and began to inspect his leg. "Ah, yeah...there's a lot of chafing here, huh? Okay...I'll get you some more of that prescription-strength cream as well, but you should try to go without wearing it for a couple of days." 

Ezra sighed, watching as the doctor stood up and went over to a cabinet, unlocking it before pulling out a cardboard box. "Easier said than done," he mumbled, watching as she carefully unpacked the new prosthesis, looking it over before carrying it to the bench. "I work two jobs and have full time classes." 

Dr. Anderson shot him a sympathetic look and nodded slightly. "Maybe take a couple sick days? This really needs a chance to heal, otherwise it could chafe even with the new prosthesis," she pointed out gently, and Ezra nodded, his first thought about AJ and what he would do if he couldn't see them for a few days, although he did his best to stop worrying about it, knowing it was a requirement, not an option. 

"Okay, so this socket is a little different. I'll help you with it the first time, and we'll take a look. Basically, since your first prosthesis was fitted, you've changed shape quite a bit, thanks to your hormone therapy, general growing, and...well, not to put too fine a point on it, you have put on weight," she added, and Ezra sighed, shaking his head slightly. 

"You told me-" 

"I know, I know," Dr. Anderson chuckled, rolling the liners on and carefully slotting the socket into place. "It's not a problem, don't worry. I would advise trying not to put on any more, but where you're at is fine. It's just that this prosthesis is designed more for spreading that weight and carrying it more easily, so you don't get any pressure points. See the valve? It's a bit different, but quite similar. You just press this and twist, and...there. Feel good?" 

Ezra shifted slightly, swinging his leg back and forth and nodding to himself. "Yeah, it's a bit...a bit different. Lighter, but...but the weight feels like it's in a different place." 

"Yeah, it's a bit more oriented to activity than your last one, since you do so much walking. Are you still doing the classes you told me about?" 

Ezra winced, getting up as Dr. Anderson guided him, her steadying touch gentle on his sides. As soon as he stood, he felt relief flow through him - he hadn't felt that comfortable in what must have been over a year, and he couldn't believe how good it was. 

"I can tell by your face that you like it," Dr. Anderson chuckled, her hand moving to his arm. "Does it feel like you can walk?" 

"Yeah, yeah, I'm um...oh God!" Ezra laughed, trying to take a step and stumbling. The doctor laughed with him, handing him one of his crutches and guiding him over to the rails on the other side of the room. 

"Have another go," she ordered, and Ezra handed her his crutch before gripping onto the familiar rails and starting to walk slowly, thankful for the extra support. After a few trips up and down the short walkway, he managed to get used to the new weight and feel, and was soon walking without holding onto anything, feeling completely steady on his feet. 

"How's that now?" Dr. Anderson asked after a moment or two of just watching Ezra wandering in circles. 

"It still feels different, but it doesn't hurt at all. Anywhere," he grinned, looking down at the new prosthesis, its metal gleaming under the fluorescent lights. "I feel like I could just...go for a run," he chuckled, and Dr. Anderson smiled back at him, tilting her head slightly. 

"That's good news. Do the liners feel comfortable? They're slightly different, so I'll have to grab you another set." 

"Yeah, they're fine," Ezra nodded, and Dr. Anderson got up, unfolding the treadmill in the corner and slapping the handles. 

"Come on," she ordered, and Ezra glared at her, but she just jerked her head and grinned. "You thought you were getting off lightly today, huh?" 

Ezra rolled his eyes, but went back to the bench and slipped his trainers on, then obediently got up onto the treadmill and began to walk. Dr. Anderson watched intently, making a few notes on her clipboard before turning up the speed. Ezra went from a leisurely stroll to a brisk walk, then all the way up to an outright sprint before Dr. Anderson took it back down to a slow walk. 

"How was that? Your gait looked good," she said simply, and Ezra nodded, panting as she handed him a water bottle. 

"Yeah...all good," he managed, and she flashed him a smile before gesturing to him to get off the treadmill. 

"Good. I'll send you home with it and give you a call in two weeks, okay? Try to take those days off. And since you were such a good sport with the treadmill, your physical therapist says you could benefit from a massage session," Dr. Anderson smiled, watching as Ezra walked over to the bench again, sitting down heavily. "I'll get a few lined up for you, okay?" 

"That sounds great," Ezra smiled. 

* * *

Once Dr. Anderson had made sure Ezra could don and doff the new prosthesis properly, she allowed him to dress again, gave him a spare set of liners, and sent him back out to Anathema. She was sitting where Ezra had left her, playing a game on her phone, so he walked over slowly and waited patiently until she looked up, smiling. She slipped her phone away and raised her eyebrows, so Ezra smiled in return, reaching down to pull his pant leg up briefly. 

"All new, fits great so far," he announced, and Anathema got up, hugging him loosely before pulling away and patting his cheek in the way she knew always annoyed him. 

"Good, now let's get home, I'm starving!" 

* * *

On the way home, when Anathema was stopped at a red light, Ezra took his phone out of his pocket to distract himself and found a text from AJ. 

_ Magpie, 11:46  _

_ You made me feel so much better last night that I'm finishing the adjustments to my costume today and I'll be able to do it tonight :) I hope your appointment goes well xx  _

Ezra smiled to himself and typed out a reply, hitting send and settling back into his seat just as Anathema pulled away from the light. 

_ Ezra, 12:32 _

_ I'm so glad! Well done, I wish I could be there to see it, but I have a doctor's note to stay home for a couple days. Nothing serious, just need to rest. I'll definitely be sad to miss opening night! xx  _

Anathema glanced at him, then smiled to herself, turning the music down. "What are you grinning about? A text from AJ?" 

Ezra glared at her, just as his phone buzzed and he had to force himself not to look at it. "What makes you say that?" 

"You have your 'talking to AJ' face on," she chuckled teasingly, turning down their street and slowing down to get into the narrow entrance to the building's tiny parking lot. 

"No, I-" Ezra tried to protest, but Anathema got there first. 

"Oh, don't get all defensive, it's cute," she grinned, reaching over to ruffle his hair as soon as she was parked. "Come on, I'll make you lunch." 

Ezra rolled his eyes, but got out of the car and shut the door behind him, waiting for Anathema while she grabbed her bag from the backseat. 

"How are things with you two aside from your museum date, anyway?" She asked, and Ezra shrugged, looking down at the ground as he focused on the feeling of his new prosthesis, trying to remember how to walk with it on. 

"Yeah, they're...fine, I think. They're still texting me a lot, and I think I got to see more of their...I don't know, deeper self after we went to the museum. They opened up a bit about their family and stuff. Not much, but it's a start." 

"Absolutely," Anathema agreed, gently taking Ezra's elbow and leading him forward, catching him when he stumbled slightly. "And how are you feeling about...about things?" 

"Just trying not to think about it too much," Ezra answered simply as Anathema unlocked the building door and let go of him so they could walk into the hallway together. "I'm just enjoying the time we spend together, you know?" 

"Yeah, that's good," Anathema hummed, opening their front door and disappearing into the kitchen immediately, with a soft announcement that they could talk more over lunch. Ezra sighed and went to the living room to sit down so he could take his shoes off, then slipped his phone out of his pocket and looked at the text AJ had sent. 

_ Magpie, 12:34  _

_ I hope you get better soon! I'll miss you :( I'm on stage quite early tonight, though, I'll get David to video it for me and I can send it to you! xx  _

Ezra smiled to himself and began to type out a reply, just as Anathema called out from the kitchen. 

"Cheese or tuna toastie?" 

"Cheese, please!" Ezra called back, then settled back into the couch cushions happily. 

_ Ezra, 12:51 _

_ I'm looking forward to it, I already can't wait! xxx  _

* * *

Ezra was in bed when he got the text, fumbling with his phone. There was no caption with the video, so he just plugged his ear buds in and smiled to himself as he hit play. 

The stage started out dark, then a spotlight came on over the pole, causing Ezra's breathing to quicken slightly just before the music started and AJ stepped out, moving fluidly, gracefully as always. 

It took Ezra a moment or two, his attention so focused on the way AJ moved, but eventually he realised why the music was so familiar - it was a remix of  _ From Eden.  _ And suddenly things began to make sense. AJ had been so eager to video this for him because the whole thing was for him. They must have re-choreographed the whole set just to fit one of Ezra's favourite songs, and the realisation made his mouth feel dry, his eyes wet. He blinked the tears away hurriedly, wanting to watch, wanting to take in AJ's exquisite costume, their beautiful red snake scale-pattern leggings, the flowing, sheer, sparkly red robe over the top of a fitted black bodice, also patterned with a snake theme. It all glittered and shimmered under the stage lights, moving with them, flowing with them. 

And then the robe was slipped off, and Ezra couldn't hear the cheering of the crowd over the sound of his heartbeat thumping in his ears, but he could see that smile, those bright red lips, those golden eyes seeming to lock onto the camera for just a moment. 

The video didn't finish with the end of the set, instead only showing the one song, but Ezra didn't mind. He simply played it again and again until every motion was etched into his brain, every leap, every twist, every slow, breathtaking spin. He couldn't help but stare open-mouthed, mesmerised by AJ's sheer beauty and skill, and once he was sure he didn't need to press play anymore to see the video in his mind's eye, he typed out a reply, having to rewrite it several times before he decided it was good enough to send. 

_ Ezra, 00:46  _

_ The song choice is perfect! It works so well, especially with the outfit. You look great, I'm so proud of you for finishing it, magpie xxx  _

Exhausted and ready for sleep to take over the gruelling task of controlling his body, Ezra switched his phone to silent and rolled over, out like a light as soon as he closed his eyes. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! I hope you enjoyed this one! (I couldn't remember how I usually formatted stuff and I was too lazy to check, so uhh it might be off I apologise)  
> I know not much happened in this chapter, but I promise the next one is a lot more eventful (hehe you're all going to hate it) it's also the most explicit so far, just a heads-up :)   
> I hope you're all well and staying safe!   
> <3<3<3


	14. Chapter Fourteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains: sexual content.

Ezra was home working on his dissertation, making the most of his doctor-ordered time off work by trying to get as much done on his thesis as possible. Unfortunately, he was getting a bit stuck, so when he got a call from a fairly old contact, he was secretly rather glad of the interruption. Assuming it had to be an accident, he picked it up, smiling to himself. 

"Hello?" 

"Hey, Ez," came a soft voice, a voice he remembered very well. Ashanti had a beautiful voice, her tone always so smooth and almost musical. 

"Ash," he smiled, leaning his cheek against his hand. "How are things? It's been a long time." 

"Just a couple of years," she chuckled, and Ezra's stomach did a little flip at that lovely sound. He liked hearing her laugh. "I've been good, I got my masters and I've been working for a while, but I'm moving back now to take on a PhD. How are you doing?" 

Ezra thought about this for a moment, then smiled a bit wider. "Yeah, I'm good too. Very busy, I'm still working towards my master’s." 

"Oh, that's great! Are you enjoying it?" 

"Yeah, very much. It's hard work, but it's worth it," he hummed, opening his mouth to say something just as Ashanti began to speak once more. 

"I was thinking maybe we could meet up this weekend? I haven't seen you in so long, I'd like to...get reacquainted." 

Ezra bit his lip lightly, briefly thinking of AJ before letting out a very soft sigh. "I'd love that, it would be great to see you. How about dinner on Saturday?" 

"Sounds perfect, I've got to run, I'm dealing with movers and everything, but I'll text you and we can figure out where to go, okay?" Ashanti answered, a smile in her voice. 

"Okay, I'll let you get on with things. Bye!" 

* * *

Ezra was nervous, he hadn't been on a proper date in a very,  _ very _ long time. Not since Ashanti had moved away, anyway. They'd tried the long distance thing to start with just after she'd moved all the way up the other end of the country for her master's, but it just hadn't worked out, and they'd ended up having to break it off. It had been a good relationship, easy and friendly, and, in some ways, that had made it somewhat difficult for Ezra, who'd been coming into it with quite a bit of baggage from his last relationship. 

But now he felt a lot lighter, and, despite himself, he was excited. He did his best not to think about AJ, focusing on the moment. After all, AJ was a massive uncertainty, and even thinking about them was confusing, but Ashanti definitely wasn't difficult to think about. 

Especially when he saw her walking into the restaurant. She'd gotten more tattoos and they looked great on her, along with the bright purple braids that went down past her waist, pulled back from her face and tucked behind her ears. Her nails were purple to match her hair, and as she spotted Ezra, her smile lit up the room. He stood hurriedly, smiling back, his chest warm, although a few nerves were starting to stir. 

Ashanti hurried over and hugged him immediately, squeezing him tightly as he hugged back, careful not to accidentally pull her hair. 

"I forgot how good your hugs are!" She chuckled, her hand stroking up the back of his head before she pulled away, still smiling. "You look really well!" 

"Thank you! I love your hair, it's so cool!" Ezra grinned, sitting down with her and leaning forward over the table slightly. "And these tattoos, I love your new look," he added, and Ashanti smiled back at him, tilting her head slightly. He reached out and offered his hand to her, his heart leaping as she took it, his thumb running over her rich, dark skin. 

"Thank you. You look different, but I can't figure out what it is," she said, beautiful brown eyes narrowing. 

"My doctor says I've put on weight," Ezra joked, and she laughed, her nose wrinkling slightly. 

"It's not that, no! You look great, anyway. Happy and everything." 

"Thanks," Ezra smiled again, feeling a light blush starting to rise on his cheeks. "How was life up north? Did you find any nice northern lads or lasses?" 

Ashanti giggled at the joke and shook her head slightly. "No...well, I found a few, but I left them all behind," she said quietly, her gaze lifting from the table to meet Ezra's meaningfully. Ezra grinned in response, not feeling quite so nervous now that the flirting was obvious. Ashanti was clearly still into him, and as long as he didn't royally fuck up, that was likely to continue. 

"Oh, and by the way, I mostly just use 'Ash' now," she added, breaking through Ezra's thoughts. 

"Pokemon nerd," Ezra said automatically, and earned a gentle punch to his shoulder in retaliation. 

"You're not allowed to say it, even if it's true," Ash chuckled, and Ezra rolled his eyes, unable to stop smiling. 

"It clearly is true."

Ash gave him a jokingly annoyed look, and he just smiled in mock innocence, picking up the menu. "What are you thinking of having?" 

"I've been craving a burger all day," Ash admitted, picking up her own menu and flicking through it. "The chicken one sounds nice." 

"Yeah, it does," Ezra mused, glancing at Ash before pushing his foot forward under the table, brushing it against her ankle lightly. 

She looked up at him in surprise, then smiled. "Is that on purpose?"

"Absolutely," Ezra chuckled, brushing a little higher and feeling a rush of triumph when Ash blushed. It wasn't easy to get her blushing. 

"You're just as naughty as I remember, then," she purred, and Ezra shrugged, pretending to be engrossed in his menu. 

"What can I say? I've always been a brat." 

"The truest thing you've said since we sat down," Ash teased, and Ezra raised an eyebrow.

"Is 'truest' a word?" 

"I have no idea, but I do know two other words," Ash chuckled, unable to make it all the way through her own joke without laughing. "Shut. Up!" 

Ezra laughed and shook his head, setting his menu down. "Now that's just rude." 

"Well, the upshot is that you are a brat...in a lot of settings," Ash grinned, her tone meaningful and making Ezra blush even more. She leaned closer across the table, resting her chin in her hand as she gazed at him. 

"I still think about my birthday that year," she murmured, and Ezra's eyes widened as recollection came rushing back. 

"Ohh yeah...you left me on the bed for three hours!" 

"And you wouldn't stop whining the whole time," Ash chuckled, her smile teasing now, but also making Ezra shift slightly in his seat as he remembered that night with her. She'd had a thing for ropes, and Ezra wasn't ashamed to admit that he'd enjoyed it. 

"Well, I guess I am a brat," Ezra hummed, then leaned a little closer to her. "I bet you'd like to find out if I still am.." 

Ash grinned, biting her lip lightly, her gaze flickering down before focusing again on Ezra's eyes. "You're being very forward, Mr. Fell," she said in a low, deep tone. "Is someone a little pent up?" 

Ezra chuckled and Ash sat back abruptly, tapping her menu with one fingernail. 

"I would love to find out how bratty you're feeling, but right now, I'm starving, and I feel like we still have a lot of catching up to do." 

Relaxing, Ezra sat back in his chair, smiling softly at his companion. "Shall we go order?" 

"I think that would be an excellent idea." 

They chatted quite a bit over their food, talking about Ezra's internship, his job at the club, his flat, and Anathema. He left out AJ, though, deciding it wouldn't be a particularly tactful addition to the conversation, but asked Ash plenty of questions about her own life. He found out about her PhD in sociology, her hopes to be a university lecturer once she got her degree, her new place. She was very pleased to be living on her own for the first time, and Ezra listened to her talk about her sheets, her kitchen, her couch, quite happy to listen to her talk about practically anything. He liked spending time with her, and he remembered why now; she was always so cheerful. She was always smiling and ready for a chat and a happy conversation, which always made him feel buoyant and excited. 

"How's your leg?" Ash asked after the waitress cleared their plates. He shrugged. 

"Still missing. I got a new prosthesis this week, and it's been doing the job so far, I've been having less pain." 

"Good, I'm glad. Is it still quite difficult some days?" 

"Yeah, it's not easy," Ezra sighed, resting his chin in his hand. "But it's much better than it was, y'know? I'm much more used to it all." 

"Yeah, that makes sense," she smiled, reaching across the table to run her hand up and down his forearm slowly. "You know...being here with you is the best thing that's happened to me for a while," she said softly, her eyes lifting to his, her smile widening slightly. "I missed you." 

Ezra swallowed and nodded, looking down at her hand on his skin and smiling to himself. "I missed you, too. I...I haven't dated anyone else," he mumbled, and Ash squeezed his arm gently, pulling at it until he let go of his chin to hold her hand instead, her fingers slipping between his easily. It didn't feel quite the same as AJ's skin against his - it didn't feel as hot, he didn't get that same thrill running up his spine and making his chest feel hollow, but there was a spark there, a comforting warmth, much easier, much calmer than the feeling he got when AJ touched him. 

"I'm not surprised after...after her," Ash said softly, squeezing lightly, and Ezra let out a breath, looking away. That was a relief, too. He didn't have to explain anything, because Ash already knew. "You were a bit of a mess, really. You seem better now, though." 

"Yeah, I've um...sorted myself out a bit," Ezra mumbled, trying not to think about the other woman, his girlfriend before Ash. "I'm in a much better place." 

"I think that's what I saw when I said you looked different," Ash mused, her thumb running over Ezra's skin. "I just couldn't put words to it. You look happier, less...I don't know. High-strung is too strong a phrase, but anxious isn't all of it." 

Ezra smiled slightly, biting his lip before tilting his head, unable to stop thinking about that warmth against his skin, and how much more he wanted. 

"Do you maybe wanna get out of here?" He asked softly, and Ash leaned back, chuckling quietly. 

"I thought you'd never ask. I drove, maybe we can go back to my place?" 

"I'd like that." 

Ash was as understanding as ever while driving back to her flat, keeping her driving calm and slow, and talking to Ezra comfortingly whenever he got a bit worked up. But it only took about ten minutes anyway, and then Ash was leading Ezra up the stairs, her hand linked in his, her fingers tightening as she tugged him inside. 

Then her hand slipped away, and she shot him a grin as she walked towards the kitchenette. 

"Sit down on the sofa, get comfy. I'm just going to get us a drink," she announced, and Ezra nodded, glancing around a little nervously as he sank down onto the brand new couch. He felt a little out of place - he wasn't used to being in other people's flats anymore, and the place looked so tidy and organised. There were flowers on the coffee table, the tv was all set up, there were even proper framed pictures hanging on the wall. Ezra usually just relied on blue tack. 

"Here," Ash hummed, leaning over the back of the couch and making him jump slightly as she offered him a wine glass. "Sorry, these carpets are really quiet," she chuckled, walking around to the other side of the couch and biting her perfect lip lightly before climbing up to straddle Ezra's lap as if it was the most natural thing in the world, the stem of her wine glass in between her fingers as she flicked her hair back over her shoulder. 

"Come here often?" Ash flirted, and Ezra could feel his cheeks flushing, heat running down between his legs as well, his thighs pressing together. Her weight in his lap was delicious, he could just imagine so many things that made him shiver in anticipation. 

"It's actually my first time," Ezra chuckled, downing a healthy gulp of his wine, his eyes trained on the buttons on Ash's black blouse. Apparently reading his mind, she leaned back to set her glass on the coffee table, then arched her back up, unbuttoning the first few buttons slowly, then reaching up and slipping her bra off without revealing anything, tossing it aside with a giggle. 

"Fuck, you're...fuck.." Ezra groaned, and Ash plucked the glass from his hand, setting it beside hers before smiling at him. She cupped his jaw in her hands and leaned in, hesitating just millimeters from his lips, allowing him the final say. Ezra paused for only a moment, shoving away the thoughts of red hair tickling his cheek before he dove in, kissing Ash eagerly, his hands running up her curvy sides, then finishing the last few buttons as she pulled him deeper, moving quicker, her breath a little heavier. He managed to get her blouse open and ran his hands over her chest, stroking his thumbs over her nipples, caressing her. Ash let out a soft moan against his lips and rocked her hips, grinding down against Ezra's thigh. 

He immediately groaned and grabbed at her back, his fingertips digging into her skin gently. 

"Bedroom," he mumbled, and Ash grunted in agreement, sliding off his hips and standing up. She began to lead the way down the hall, shedding her blouse as she walked, then her belt. Grinning to himself, Ezra followed hurriedly, barely looking around her room as he made a beeline for her bed. He sat down quickly and slipped his shirt off while Ash dimmed the lights, then pulled her own jeans off, giving him space to doff his prosthesis without interference. 

Once that was done, Ezra looked up at her, his cheeks flushed again as he realised he was in her bed in his underwear. 

"Come here," he ordered softly to cover his embarrassment, and Ash grinned, walking closer and shrieking with laughter when he grabbed her around the waist and threw himself back, causing them both to fall to the bed, Ash's body pressed to his. 

They both laughed and then Ash was pushing him and he was scrambling into position, then rolling her over, lips on her neck. 

"Mmm, Ez," she groaned softly, fingers sliding through his hair as he rocked his hips, his thigh pressing up between her legs. "Kiss me!" 

Ezra did as he was told willingly, surging up to pull Ash into a deep, needy kiss, his hips rocking again and again until she moaned, her hand sliding down between them to push her fingertips against Ezra's cock. Every time he rolled, her fingers stroked him, and he was soon moaning with her, his face buried in her neck for a moment before he found one of her nipples. 

Ash cried out at the stimulation and Ezra's hand slid into her panties easily, grinning around her nipple as his fingers curled, pleasuring her sensitive clit. Gasping, Ash bucked into his touch and Ezra grazed his teeth over her nipple, sucking lightly, completely lost in the moment. Her hand slid down as well and he groaned, sitting back to quickly lose his underwear and losing his dominance as well, as Ash flipped him over easily, kicking her panties away as she spread Ezra's legs. He moaned softly, his heart pounding with anticipation, his folds slick with need. Then she opened her own legs, stroking Ezra's short shaft expertly and rocking herself against it. Ezra moaned happily at the feeling of heat, then grinned when he felt his tip slide towards her entrance, pushing through her folds slightly. It felt so good, so real, an actual part of him inside of her, but it didn't last very long. Her easy strokes on his shaft as well as her hips rocking against his tip sent him rocketing into the orgasm he'd needed for weeks without much effort at all, and he came after just a few minutes, crying out her name as he thrust up against her. 

Ash chuckled softly and buried her face in his neck, her hand stroking his cheek rhythmically as his chest heaved, his hand running down her back shakily. 

"Oh God," he breathed out after a short silence, and Ash purred, nuzzling at his jaw lightly as she half slid off him, one leg still wrapped around him as she settled on her side on the bed. 

"It was that good, huh?" She teased softly, and Ezra closed his eyes, just smiling to himself. 

"Yeah, it's been...a very long time," Ezra mumbled, and felt her fingertips on his forehead, gently brushing his hair away from his skin. 

"I can tell," Ash murmured, the teasing tone falling away as she leaned closer, her lips brushing the corner of his. Ezra turned his head lazily and she kissed him, soft and slow and gentle, drawing him a little deeper before he broke away to breathe for a moment. 

"I have a strap on," she announced quietly in the warm, comfortable silence, and Ezra nodded, his hand running up her side and stroking over one side of her chest, his thumb running back and forth over her skin, just reaching the edge of her areola before gliding back each time. 

"Give me a couple more minutes, and then we can investigate," he murmured, adding a soft, breathy laugh, and she just smiled happily, her lips meeting his all over again. 

"I'm really glad you haven't had sex in a while," Ash said after a short pause, and Ezra snorted, but let her continue. "You wouldn't normally have wanted to do this so quickly, admit it." 

"I'm not even going to try to deny it," Ezra hummed, his heart going a bit soft when he looked into those beautiful, deep brown eyes. "I've been lonely lately and I really did miss you. How could I resist, hmm? Especially with you looking so stunning," he added, toying with one of her braids gently before tucking it behind her ear. "I mean, look at you." 

Ash grinned and kissed him again, her open hand stroking over his cheek, giving him that touch he'd been aching for for the past few weeks. "You always know how to make a girl feel good, Ezra Fell." 

"Mm, not always," he murmured, trying and failing to catch his thoughts before they turned to AJ. After all, he always knew exactly what to say around Ash and the other women he'd dated, but every time he was around AJ, he just got so tongue-tied and nervous. Ezra swallowed hard and shoved the thoughts back into their box, focusing on Ash's breath on his face. He leaned in to kiss her again and then gently began to disentangle himself. 

"I need to go for a quick pee, how about you get everything out for me?" He suggested, and Ash nodded, kissing his cheek one last time before he sat up, reaching for his prosthesis. She sat up with him, leaning against his back while he fiddled with his liners. 

"Mm, sounds good. Do you want a top up?" She asked as she got up to fetch their drinks, without bothering to put any clothes on. 

"Nah, just you," Ezra chuckled as he watched her slip out, his gaze wandering down to her ass as she walked, then finally got up and went into the ensuite she'd pointed out for him. He sorted himself out fairly quickly, and walked back into the bedroom to find Ash waiting, sitting on the bed and sipping her glass of wine, the strap on harness set up beside her. 

"Is this okay?" She asked quietly, offering him the rest of his glass and Ezra nodded, taking it from her and polishing off the rest of the wine in one go before picking up the strap-on.

He stepped into it, adjusted all the straps, and then sat down again, carefully taking his prosthesis off once more. He could wear it during sex if he wanted, but he generally felt more comfortable without it, and knew that Ash preferred not to be surprised with cold plastic on her bare skin. 

Once that was done, he gently pushed Ash down to the bed, smiling down at her as he crawled up her body, pulling her into a soft, slow kiss. She smiled into it, fingers tangling in his hair and tugging gently, her hips rocking up. 

Ezra got the hint and rolled, the tip of the dildo stroking over her, pressing into her folds, but not inside, not yet. 

Ash moaned softly into the kiss and Ezra smiled to himself, rocking again as he let his lips slide from hers, one hand on her chest, massaging gently. He kissed over her collarbone and down, purring as he flicked his tongue over her nipple and triumphed in her happy gasp. Then he took it between his lips and began to suck lightly, swirling his tongue as his spare hand ran down between them, guiding the dildo as he began to press in. 

Ash gasped happily, fingers tightening even more in Ezra's hair, her hips rocking down against him. He surged back up to kiss her, cradling her cheek in one hand, a smile tugging at his lips as he slid into her, filling her in one easy, smooth movement. 

Breaking the kiss to moan, Ash threw her head back, praising Ezra in shaky gasps just as he rocked for the first time, the dildo pressing even deeper and drawing a happy whine from Ash. She grabbed at his back, panting softly, her cheeks flushed. 

"Fffuck, Ez!" She gasped, and Ezra chuckled, leaning down to kiss her cheek. 

"No cursing allowed," he teased, and she glared at him jokingly, then grinned and guided him into a brief kiss. As their lips parted, Ezra thrust again and Ash groaned in pleasure, so he took a deep breath and began to set a rhythm, slowly increasing the speed and length of his thrusts, feeling Ash shuddering beneath him, listening to her desperate moans. It felt good, almost as good as his own orgasm, to be giving someone pleasure, watching them squirm and starting to climb to the edge of that cliff. He'd always been one for giving during sex, and he loved seeing his partners getting their pleasure. 

"Ahhh! G-God! I'm c-close!" Ash squealed, and Ezra grinned to himself, kissing at her neck, lavishing attention on her beautiful skin as he kept his thrusts even and quick, just a few more rolls of his hips before she was jerking and shuddering, moaning uncontrollably. Ezra slowed immediately, hilting the dildo inside her and just rocking a few times, easing her through her release. 

Once Ash had gone still, Ezra pulled out and quickly slipped the strap off, then flopped onto his side beside her. She immediately cuddled up to him, her arm sliding around his waist, her body pressed to his. Ezra sighed happily and pulled her closer, hugging her tightly as she tugged a blanket over both of them. 

"That was the best sex I've had in a while," she announced after a long silence, and Ezra chuckled softly, running his fingertips up and down her spine. 

"I'm not sure I believe that, but thank you," he hummed, his smile widening as Ash curled up tighter, her head tucked into the crook of his neck. 

"It's true," she answered softly, nuzzling the underside of his jaw and pressing a soft kiss to his neck. "How would you feel about another round after a break?" 

"That sounds like an excellent idea to me," Ezra chuckled, settling into the bed contentedly, his eyes slipping closed. 

* * *

Ezra got home quite late the next morning, slipping through the door and finding Anathema in the kitchen, turning to stare at him expectantly. 

"If you open your mouth to say anything other than you finally admitted your feelings for AJ and you spent the night with them, I'm going to hit you." 

Ezra smiled slightly and leaned his hip against the kitchen counter, shaking his head. "Remember Ashanti?" 

The slap was very light and on his shoulder, but it caught Ezra off-guard, as he'd thought that she was completely joking. 

"Yeah, I remember her," Anathema said darkly, glaring at him. "She's not AJ." 

Ezra heaved a sigh and shrugged, folding his arms over his chest defensively. "So? Maybe I need to move on."

Anathema grabbed his arm gently and towed him over to the kitchen table, forcing him to sit down across from her so they could talk more easily. "Move on from what? You guys haven't done anything," she pointed out, and Ezra shrugged again. 

"I can't...I can't be in a relationship with them and keep my job, I...I need that job. And I can't...I can't wait around forever for someone I can't be with," he countered quietly, the loneliness rising again at the thought. "Ash is here and she likes me still, she...she wants me, and there's no restrictions." 

Anathema sighed, brushing her hair back over her shoulders. "I understand, Ezra. I do. You're in a very tough situation, but settling for second best isn't fair. It's not fair on you or Ashanti or AJ. Especially Ash, if she likes you so much. You can't just use her to fill AJ's gap, because it's not going to work, and eventually, it's going to fall apart." 

Ezra rolled his eyes, looking away from her, not wanting to meet her gaze. "I know what I'm doing. I have needs, I'm lonely, I...I like her. I can't sit around waiting for AJ forever, especially when I could be happy with someone else." 

Hands slid over his arms and he looked up sharply to see Anathema leaning over the table, smiling sadly. 

"I understand, Ez. Really, I do. I'm just giving you my advice, okay? I'm not telling you what to do, I'm just worried about you as a friend." 

Ezra sighed, taking her hands in his and giving them a gentle squeeze. "I know, and thank you for caring and being here to talk to," he murmured, trying to push away the creeping feeling that she was right. A little voice piped up in the back of his mind, whispering to him about how he was just using Ash, reminding him of how close he was to being with AJ. Part of him recoiled at the suggestion, but another, smaller part of him knew the voice was at least partly right. 

"I think I just need to...to look after myself for a bit," Ezra mumbled, and Anathema nodded, her thumbs running over his skin. 

"I get it, hon. But just make sure that by looking after present day Ezra you don't completely screw things up for future Ezra," she said firmly, and Ezra looked away, conflicted. 

He didn't know what to do, but his night with Ash had felt good and right, and it was the happiest he'd felt in quite a while. Even with AJ, he didn't feel as good. Well, that wasn't entirely true; he felt better, he felt utterly on top of the world when they touched him and smiled at him, but it was always tinged with nerves or worry or an odd feeling adjacent to regret, and it canceled out quite a bit of that positive affect. He didn't feel that with Ash. 

Ezra got up from the table slowly, swaying slightly as he stared at the floor. Anathema stood hurriedly, her hand on his back, but he just flashed her a tired smile. 

"I'm gonna go take a nap and then do some work," he mumbled, and she nodded, opening her arms. Smiling, Ezra pulled her close, hugging her tightly and feeling her hands spreading on his back, squeezing. 

And then he was breaking away and heading down the hall to his room, feeling as if he was in a dream, his body slow and sluggish, his brain preoccupied. He took his prosthesis off and changed into his pajamas, then crawled into bed and took his phone off the bedside table to read his texts. 

_ Ashanti, 11:32 _

_ Hey, just wanted to say how much fun I had last night. If you ever want to meet up again, let me know, I'd be really excited to see you again xxx  _

Ezra smiled to himself and tapped on the other notification, his heart leaping into his mouth. 

_ Magpie, 12:03  _

_ I hope you have a nice last night off! I'm really looking forward to seeing you tomorrow, it feels like I haven't seen you in forever! xx  _

Wincing, Ezra hesitated, his thumbs shaking slightly as they hovered over the keyboard. Then he let out a slow breath and went back to Ash's message. 

_ Ezra, 12:19  _

_ I'd love to see you again! My next night off from work is Thursday, or I can do lunch, it would just be lovely to have more of a chat and catch up xxx thank you so much for last night ♡  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! I hope you enjoyed this chapter!   
> Feel free to be very angry with Ezra he deserves it lmao  
> As always, I hope you're well!!   
> ♡♡♡


	15. Chapter Fifteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter includes: mention of past abusive relationship, brief discussion of eating disorders, disordered eating behaviour, sexual content.

AJ sat down at a random table in the restaurant rather nervously and slipped their phone out of their pocket, checking just in case Ezra had texted to say he was going to be late. They hadn't seen him in almost a week due to his doctor-mandated break, but he'd suggested lunch the day of his first work shift back, and AJ had jumped at the chance to see him. Especially outside of work. 

They'd given up trying to deny their feelings at this point, but they also knew they had no idea how to initiate anything. They'd given Ezra countless chances to kiss them, they'd helped to organise meetings and had begun to learn a new, much less sexual style of flirting. But he still hadn't taken that step, the step that AJ themself had never taken before. They'd never had the chance for a relationship before, and they had no idea how to go about making sure a relationship actually happened. 

But at least they'd stopped denying it to themself - denying how Ezra's touch made them feel, how much they wanted him. Not sexually, but just...him. AJ wanted to touch him and be touched by him, they wanted to make him laugh and smile and comfort him when he was upset. It was an unfamiliar desire; in fact, all of this was unfamiliar, but in an odd way, it felt good. A bit like a loose baby tooth they couldn't stop prodding at - it hurt, but in a way that somehow kept bringing them back for more. 

AJ looked up from their phone when the chair across from them was pulled away from the table and Ezra smiled at them, his eyes as angelic as ever. 

"Hey. You look nice," he commented, and AJ swallowed, looking down at themself briefly.

They’d spent rather longer than they’d intended getting ready, unable to choose what to wear and desperate to impress Ezra. Eventually, they’d settled on tight high-waisted jeans, their black silk button-up, and an emerald green cropped sweater to top it all off. The outfit looked casual, but the ridiculous amount of time they’d spent on getting their eye makeup  _ exactly right  _ kept niggling at the back of their mind, reminding them how obsessive they were about looking good for Ezra. 

"Thanks," AJ mumbled, then looked up again and saw those bright blue eyes. Ezra was smiling, somehow seeming much more relaxed than usual, an edge missing from his gaze that they'd been used to. Something was different, but they had no idea what it was. 

"Have you been waiting long? The bus was a bit late, I'm afraid," Ezra smiled, and AJ decided to stop worrying about what was different and just enjoy Ezra's relaxed state. 

"No, only about five minutes. I was late too," they chuckled, and Ezra's smile widened. 

"The gay curse, huh? Being either late or early to everything." 

AJ grinned and nodded, brushing their hair back over their shoulder. "Yeah, true," they nodded, then tapped the menu with one red, sparkly fingernail. "This place looks nice, how did you find it?" 

"Just wandered in once after my internship," Ezra shrugged, and AJ glanced around the tiny little restaurant. It only had six tables, and all of the others were empty bar one. The decor was a little bit dated, and AJ couldn't help but think that Ezra fit right in with his love of old books and elbow patches. But the menu was all vegetarian, and every dish sounded delicious, making it rather hard for AJ to choose. 

"You're not vegetarian, right?" 

"No, I used to be," Ezra said quietly, looking down at the menu and taking a deep breath. "I went veggie in my teens because of the ethics, you know? But um...due to some stuff with an ex and an injury, I...well, I already had problems with eating, but I um...ended up with a really bad eating disorder. I kept restricting what I ate and it just became really unhealthy. I tried going back to being a vegetarian last year and almost had a bit of a relapse, so I'm back to no restrictions for a while and trying again at some point." 

AJ nodded, reaching across the table to run their hand over Ezra's forearm, feeling his warm skin and squeezing his wrist gently. "I'm sorry to hear that, but I'm glad you're doing better now. Can I ask about the ex or...or is that something you don't want to talk about?" They asked softly, and Ezra managed a small smile. 

"It's okay. I don't really want to go into details right now, but she um...she was just very controlling and manipulative. It wasn't a good relationship at all, it um.." he looked away, cheeks flushing, his lip caught in his teeth briefly. "It kind of got physically abusive at the end, but um...I'm okay, you know? It was a few years ago now." 

AJ gritted their teeth and gently took Ezra's hand in both of theirs, rubbing a thumb over his knuckles slowly. Anger was burning in their stomach, boiling with hatred for whoever had hurt Ezra. "I'm sorry, Ezra," they murmured, doing their best to keep the anger out of their voice, their tone full of sympathy instead. "I'm really glad you're okay now." 

Ezra looked up from the table, blue eyes breathtakingly sad. "Thank you," he said simply, stroking AJ's arm with his other hand, a small smile on his lips. "Thank you for not laughing." 

AJ blinked, confused, but Ezra continued before they could ask what he meant, apparently reading the expression on their face. 

"A lot of people have laughed at me when I said that my girlfriend was abusive. Including a therapist," he sighed, his fingers curling around AJ's arm absentmindedly. "I guess it's not talked about that much."

"That's just bullshit, people are stupid," AJ smiled sadly, squeezing Ezra's hand tightly and leaning towards him a little, always wanting to be closer. "And that therapist should get a new job." 

Ezra's eyebrows quirked up and then the sadness was melting away, a soft laugh spilling from his lips. "Yeah, he really should," he chuckled, and AJ felt warmth blossoming in their chest, triumph at having made Ezra smile again. 

"How was your time off?" AJ asked softly, changing the subject but not pulling away from Ezra, leaving their hands on his, feeling his warmth. 

"Kind of boring," Ezra smiled, tilting his head slightly. "I missed you." 

And there it was again, that slight difference in his gaze. It seemed as if the words came easier for him, calmer, less strained. 

"I missed you too, the only other person I have to talk to there is David, and he was really busy," they complained with a smile, their thumb still running back and forth over Ezra's knuckles. "It'll be good to be there with you again." 

"I can make you your drink," Ezra pointed out happily, and AJ nodded, feeling their hair spill from behind their shoulders, but just ignoring it for now. They didn't want to pull their hands away from Ezra's, so they'd just have to deal with it tickling their face. 

They opened their mouth to reply just as the waitress walked over to take their order, and AJ realised they actually had to read the menu and decide. Ezra asked for some water in the meantime, and AJ reluctantly pulled their hands from his, picking up the menu to finally make a decision. 

When the waitress came back, they both ordered - Ezra choosing some kind of curry, while AJ opted for a salad. They'd been tempted by the one with avocado in it, but had reminded themself how fattening it was and gone for the other one instead. 

As the waitress walked off, Ezra tugged his phone out of his pocket and groaned, then flashed AJ an awkward smile and got up hurriedly. 

"I have to take this, I won't be long," he said quickly, and AJ watched in vague confusion as he hurried out of the restaurant, his phone pressed to his ear. 

After a minute or two, AJ slipped their phone out of their pocket to see a text from David, tapping on the notification curiously. 

_ David, 13:02  _

_ Hey, could you bring that HDMI cable you borrowed in to work today? I need it for something I'm working on. How's things?  _

AJ sighed and shook their head slightly, typing out a quick response. 

_ AJ, 13:07 _

_ I'll bring it, dw. I'm good, at lunch with Ezra. How are you? xx  _

Then they went through a few texts from potential clients, resting their cheek against their hand as they did so. They didn't really like texting clients directly, but it was the easiest way to make arrangements. 

AJ jumped slightly when their phone buzzed and quickly opened their conversation with David. 

_ David, 13:10  _

_ Ezra? I thought you weren't seeing him for a bit? Wasn't he upsetting you? _

AJ rolled their eyes, but they couldn't entirely stifle the smile twitching at their lips. It was nice to know that someone cared enough to be protective of them. 

_ AJ, 13:12  _

_ No, I was upset because I couldn't see him for a bit. His doctor told him to take time off.  _

_ David, 13:13  _

_ Ah, okay. How are things with him?  _

AJ glanced out of the restaurant window to see Ezra pacing up and down, kicking at the pavement as he spoke. Then they smiled to themself and went back to their phone. 

_ AJ, 13:15 _

_ I think things are going well. Still hoping for more, though :)  _

_ David, 13:15  _

_ Be careful, remember that it's okay for things to be slow. Don't push too hard, ok? I have to go, but I'll see you later and we can talk some more then if you need x _

AJ sighed again, but just sent back a few emojis as acknowledgement, looking up again just as Ezra hurried back to the table, a light dusting of pink on his cheeks. 

"Sorry, sorry! That was my mum, and if I don't answer, she calls me every five minutes and then starts ringing the police," he chuckled as he sat down, and AJ smiled weakly, trying to remember what getting calls from their mum had been like. It had been quite a few years now. 

"It's okay. Is everything alright?" AJ asked quietly, and Ezra seemed confused for a moment before he smiled and nodded. 

"Yeah, there's no emergency or anything. I told her I'd talk to her some more later." 

AJ nodded, then leaned forward slightly, resting their elbows on the table. "How are things with your family? I know you said you don't talk to your dad." 

Ezra blinked, then looked down at the table, taking a deep breath. "Um. Yeah, I do talk to my dad, just...not as much. He lives in America, actually, so I don't really...I don't see him much or anything. He and my mum split up when I was in my early teens, and he moved away a couple years before I came out. He doesn't really...he's just weird about it, and I don't like dealing with it, and there's a lot of stuff from my parents' divorce that make things difficult with him. The same with my mum. She um...she thinks everything is fine, but there are things that happened that she refuses to take responsibility for and it's still...it stops us from being close. I um.." Ezra cleared his throat, his cheeks flushing. "I feel like I'm going on for ages, I'm sorry." 

AJ's eyes widened and they leaned forward quickly, running their hand over Ezra's arm gently. "No, it's okay," they soothed, flashing him a bright smile. "I like hearing about your life, I want to get to know you better." 

Ezra's worry faded, overshadowed by a relaxed, happy smile. Despite AJ's expectations, he barely blushed, giving a small shrug. 

"That's most of the stuff about my family, anyway. I mean, my dad has a new wife I don't like much, but other than that, that's about it. I guess it's a pretty normal family in a lot of ways. I do have a sister, though, she’s a few years younger than me." 

AJ nodded sadly, looking down at Ezra's hand as they stroked over his skin with their fingertips, brushing over his knuckles and tracing patterns on the back of his hand. "It seems like a lot of people aren't that close with their parents. Especially LGBT people." 

Ezra glanced up as the waitress brought their food over and AJ withdrew their hand hurriedly, smiling at her and thanking her as she put the plates down. She walked away and AJ picked up their fork, suddenly feeling a bit unenthusiastic. They'd been so hungry before, but now that the food was actually in front of them, they felt a little sick. 

"Do you have any siblings?" Ezra asked quietly, and AJ looked up in surprise. 

"Um, yeah. I have a few, but I haven’t seen any of them in a long time. The oldest was eight when I um...left, and the others were six, four, and about negative two months. My mother was seven months pregnant, and I think she had another after that. They’re all girls except for the one who was four, he’s a boy, but I...don’t exactly know him well or anything.”

Ezra blinked, then swallowed his bite of food and nodded. "That must be weird. Knowing there's someone out there related to you that you have no idea about." 

AJ looked down again, poking at their lettuce, their heart heavy in their chest, their throat feeling tight and uncomfortable. "Yeah, I miss them sometimes. Even though they were all pretty young, it was um...I liked playing with them and stuff." 

Apparently noticing AJ's strained tone, Ezra decided to change the subject, clearing his throat awkwardly. "I really um...I liked your new routine a lot, it was really cool," he said quietly, and AJ blushed, stabbing more and more lettuce with their fork to delay actually having to eat it.

"Thanks, I um...it's a lot more fun than my last one," they smiled, pushing away the thoughts of exactly why it was so much more fun. But they kept creeping back, twisting around their tongue, trying to force the words out of their mouth.  _ I made it all about you and now it's so much easier to lose myself and think about you instead of the crowd of people who all want only one thing.  _

They shoved a bite of salad into their mouth as a precaution, not looking at Ezra. 

"I liked the song especially," Ezra said meaningfully, his tone soft, but a little playful, and AJ looked up into those bright blue eyes and nearly choked. He knew. Admittedly, that had been the plan, but seeing it on his face was much more intense than AJ had thought. They'd choreographed the song as a declaration, as a way of saying what they couldn't put words around, and Ezra  _ knew.  _ Or at least, he'd noticed something, he must have done. 

AJ swallowed and smiled, trying to ignore the blush on their cheeks. "I'm glad," they answered simply, ignoring the squeezing feeling in their chest as Ezra smiled. 

The rest of the meal passed quite easily and pleasantly, with chatting about movies and Ezra's internship. AJ couldn't help themself from touching him constantly, on his arm or hand, but he didn't seem to mind at all. Once they'd paid their separate bills, they headed out into the street, shrugging on their coats. Ezra hesitated awkwardly, then moved a little closer to AJ, seeming uncertain for a moment. Then he smiled, the awkwardness melting away, replaced with a genuine caring that was completely unadulterated by nerves. 

"We have loads of time before work if you wanna go to another museum or something," he suggested brightly, but AJ winced, shaking their head. 

"I'd love to, but I actually have an appointment, sorry. I can drive you home, if you like?" 

Ezra's smile faltered for a moment, his voice coming a little strained. "Uh, thanks, but I'm going to run some errands anyway, so I'll take the bus." 

"Okay," AJ smiled, nodding and then opening their arms. Ezra chuckled and pulled them into a hug immediately, his thick, strong arms wrapping around them, pulling them closer into his soft, cuddly frame. They wrapped their arms around him happily, burying their face in his hair as he ran his hand up and down their back slowly.

"Thank you for this lunch, it was lovely," Ezra said softly after a few long, perfect seconds, and AJ simply nodded, letting out an involuntary sigh as Ezra pulled away. 

"I'll see you later," they mumbled, and Ezra smiled, taking one of their hands and giving it a light squeeze. 

"I hope your appointment goes well," he said simply, and then began to walk away. AJ watched him go for a moment, then shook themself mentally and began the walk back to their car, a bit confused by the difference in Ezra's behaviour. 

* * *

By the time AJ got home, it was getting a little late, so they changed hurriedly, did their best with their makeup, and sat down to start their laptop running. Bea and Dagon were out on a date to the cinema, so they wouldn't have to worry at all about being disturbed, but they still took the precaution of locking the door. 

Once they were all set up, they took a deep breath and tried to get into the right headspace, but their mind was full of Ezra and hugs and how much they wanted to kiss him, and it was getting rather distracting. Sighing, they lifted their skirt up out of the way and tried to stroke themself a few times, but it still wasn't working. 

AJ rolled their eyes and opened the medication drawer on their bedside table, taking out a small packet. They popped a diamond-shaped blue pill out of the blister pack and downed it with a sip of water, then checked the time. They had another twenty minutes, so they laid back, closing their eyes and letting their hands wander, one sliding down the front of their dress to toy with their nipple lightly, the other stroking up and down their thigh, fingertips brushing over their stockings and skin. They let their hand skim higher, letting out a soft little whine as they imagined it wasn't their hand, but Ezra's, his soft voice in their ear, encouraging them, telling them how beautiful they were. Their hand slipped into their panties and their mouth fell open, their eyebrows clashing. 

An obnoxious ringtone cut through the peaceful moment and AJ scowled, rolling onto their side. 

"Jesus Christ, how early-" they began, then realised they'd just wasted twenty minutes in the blink of an eye. It had barely felt like any time at all, with the thought of Ezra's hands on their skin. Shocked, AJ did their best to arrange themself in a hurry, then clicked the answer button. The video popped up, and a voice came from the speaker, purred and low. 

"Hey sexy, looking extra sweet tonight, hmm?" 

_ AJ looked up as the door opened and shut down the hall, smiling to themself just as Ezra walked into view, kicking his shoes off before hurrying over to them.  _

_ "Hey magpie. How was your day?" He grinned, and they kissed, as if it was the most natural thing in the world.  _

_ "Good, and yours?"  _

_ "Better now," Ezra flirted, pinning them to the counter gently as he leaned around them to see what they were making. "Pizza, hmm?"  _

_ "From scratch," AJ announced proudly, and felt Ezra's hands running over their hips, his own pressed against their backside, his chest against their back.  _

_ "Look at you, hmm? Good little house-spouse," Ezra chuckled, one hand sliding around their front, running lower, cupping, massaging, squeezing. AJ let their head fall back, a soft moan spilling from their lips as their mouth fell open.  _

_ "Ez! N-not now!" They giggled, slapping at his other hand, but rocking into the one between their legs.  _

_ "Your mouth says one thing, your hips say another," Ezra laughed, but withdrew, still pinning them to the counter, but running his hands higher, up their sensitive ribs this time.  _

_ "Mm, you need to stop messing around and go get changed ready for dinner. I'm putting it in the oven soon," AJ chastised half-heartedly, completely unable to stop smiling, even as his touch made them shiver ever so slightly.  _

_ "Do I get a nice special dessert? Maybe something with a touch of ginger?"  _

_ AJ giggled again and turned in his grasp, slapping his cheek ever so lightly. "Naughty boy! Mm, you can have anything you want," they purred, leaning in and letting him kiss them, his hand cradling the back of theirs as the kiss began sweet and soft and got deeper, quicker.  _

_ AJ was the first to break away, diving back in for one quick peck before gently pushing at his chest. "Go on, go wash up!"  _

_ Ezra sighed reluctantly, but nodded, kissing their cheek lightly before walking off upstairs. AJ leaned back against the counter for a moment, smiling to themself contentedly, then turned and went back to finishing dinner.  _

AJ woke confused and disoriented, glancing around as they sat up. They'd decided on a nap between their appointment and going to work, but they hadn't expected such an intense dream. 

They hugged themself tightly, frowning down at the sheets as they tried to think. They'd never pictured themself as the 'house-spouse' type, it wasn't something they'd ever thought they wanted. But the dream had been so sweet and perfect, so deliciously domestic. Ezra had been so gentle and loving, so easily playful, and they couldn't help but yearn for such casual touch. It was so easy to imagine themself with him, not just with him sexually, but truly  _ with  _ him. And they had to admit it was confusing, maybe even a little frightening. 

Ezra was making them rethink what they'd always thought they wanted from life, and it was more than just odd. Sighing, AJ dragged themself out of bed to get ready for work, doing their best to put it all out of their mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! I hope you enjoyed this chapter, I know a lot of you were pretty upset about the last one, but this one is a little more relaxed :) Anyway, let me know what you thought, and be excited! There's some good stuff coming up :D  
> <3<3<3


	16. Chapter Sixteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains: sexual content, discussion of mental health problems, brief mention of homelessness, trauma-related anxiety (including allusions to past car accident).

A few days after Ezra's first shift back at the club, he'd arranged to meet Ash for a movie and dinner straight after his internship. He was on one of his ten minute breaks outside, so he slipped his phone out of his pocket and sent a quick text. 

_ Ezra, 14:37 _

_ Hey beautiful, just checking that you're still alright with meeting me at the cinema for 5:30? xx _

He closed his texting app to scroll through tumblr for a bit instead, but Ash's reply came through almost immediately. 

_ Ash, 14:38 _

_ Of course, looking forward to it! How would you feel about staying at mine tonight? xx _

Ezra bit his lip, trying to remember what he had to do the next day, then smiled to himself and began to type. 

_ Ezra, 14:40 _

_ That sounds great! xx _

_ Ash, 14:40  _

_ Good, because I got something new I'd like to try out with you ;)  _

Ezra's eyes widened, his heart beating a little faster as he glanced over his shoulder, then focused back on his phone, a smile spreading across his face. 

_ Ezra, 14:41 _

_ Yeah? You going to tell me what it is?  _

The typing bubble popped up immediately, but Ash took her time with the next message. 

_ Ash, 14:44 _

_ I got a new type of strap on and a nice thick dildo to go with it, I thought maybe this time I could wear it and fill you up like you deserve ;)  _

Ezra's mouth went dry and he had to read the text a few times, then swallowed and took a deep breath. He hadn't taken anyone since they'd broken up, he hadn't even used any of his toys while flying solo for at least a good few months. And he had to admit that the prospect was making him more than a little excited. 

He shifted the way he was sitting slightly, biting his lip hard as he tried to ignore the rising heat in both his cheeks and his...lower regions. 

_ Ezra, 14:46 _

_ Fuck, I wish you could come here right now and bend me over my desk. I guess that just means that I'll be extra eager for you tonight xxx _

His phone buzzed almost as soon as he hit send and he frowned to himself, then realised he'd gotten a text from AJ. Suddenly feeling oddly nervous, Ezra opened the text and took a slow breath. 

_ Magpie, 14:45  _

_ Hey, I've missed you again, two whole shifts without you! And a third tonight. I was wondering if maybe you wanted to meet up tomorrow and have dinner before our shift? I want to see you, it feels like it's been ages and you always brighten my day. Let me know if you're around! xxx _

Ezra heaved a sigh, glaring at his phone screen for a moment or two. He didn't like the way the world seemed to be forcing him to confront himself, confront the way he was talking to both Ash and AJ. While planning his date and his night with one, he was planning another - well, it wasn't a date, but even so. 

Ezra growled to himself, dropping his phone into his lap and pressing the heels of his hands against his eyes. He kept trying to tell himself that what he was doing wasn't wrong, that he was simply maintaining a close friendship while pursuing a relationship, but it didn't feel right. And he wasn't sure how much longer he could push that feeling away if it continued. 

He'd hoped that what had started as a little nagging thought in the back of his mind would fade, but it had only ever grown stronger, and he was starting to wonder if it would ever even stop growing, let alone get easier. 

It was as if Anathema's voice had crept into his mind, warning him over and over that it wasn't going to work, that he'd end up hurting both Ash and AJ, and himself. But he couldn't help thinking that it wasn't  _ fair.  _ He couldn't have AJ: that wasn't fair. He should at least be able to have a relationship with Ash and keep his friendship with AJ, and it was especially unfair that even trying this was eating away at him, making him feel ill and confused. 

Ezra's phone buzzed in his lap and he jumped slightly, then picked it up reluctantly. 

_ Ash, 14:47  _

_ I just got my desk set up at home, so at least that part can be arranged ;) In all seriousness, though, I'm looking forward to seeing you tonight. You better have booked the couch seats at the cinema, I'm hoping for some lovely warm cuddles xxx _

Biting his lip, Ezra went back to AJ's text, staring at it for a few seconds before replying. 

_ Ezra, 14:48  _

_ I can't easily do dinner, but maybe we could have another afternoon trip to a museum? There's a good modern art collection not far from where we went last time x  _

Ezra let out a slow breath, feeling slightly better. At least going to a museum again would feel a touch less romantic than dinner before work. He tapped the back button and smiled to himself, doing his best to put AJ out of his mind. 

_ Ezra, 14:49  _

_ Me too, and don't worry, I remembered how much you like cinema couch seats. I've got to head back in for work now, but I'll see you soon xxx _

* * *

Ezra walked into the cinema and immediately spotted Ash waiting in the attached coffee shop, looking at her phone. She was wearing a dark green sweater with a pair of black jeans, and although it was a fairly basic outfit, she managed to make it look stunning. 

He walked over and smiled when she looked up, her eyes softening as they fixed on him. 

"Hey. How was your day?" She asked as she got up, and Ezra pulled her into a very brief kiss. 

"It was good, how about you?" 

Ash smiled and reached up, fixing one of his curls gently. "Yeah, mine was good too. Shall we get some snacks?" 

"Yes please," Ezra chuckled, and she laughed, taking his hand and sending a little shiver of happiness up his spine. They went to the counter together and got some popcorn to share, then headed into the theatre, finding their seats. They were still about ten minutes early, so Ash got comfortable, taking her beaten up shoes off and curling up on the couch against Ezra's side. He wrapped an arm around her, tucking the bag of popcorn between them, and kissed the top of her head. 

"I'm looking forward to tonight," he said softly after a few moments of quiet. 

"Mm, me too," Ash purred, running her hand over his thigh lightly before taking one of his hands. Ezra rested his head against hers and closed his eyes comfortably. 

"Do you normally like horror movies?" Ash asked quietly, squeezing Ezra's hand and lacing their fingers together. Ezra pushed away a brief mental image of AJ on the bus, fast asleep with their head on his shoulder. 

"Yeah, I don't watch them that often, but I like them," he answered, running his thumb over her skin slowly. 

"That's what I thought, but I couldn't remember," Ash murmured, just as the lights began to dim in preparation for the adverts. Ezra gave a soft sigh and held her a little tighter, relaxing into her company. 

The movie was fun, although not particularly good. It was made a lot better by Ash's kisses and playful squeezes to his thigh during the slow parts, and he left the cinema feeling happy and relaxed. They headed into a nearby restaurant and sat down together, Ash immediately leaning across the table to take his hand. 

"You seem a little distracted tonight, is everything okay?" 

Ezra swallowed nervously and nodded, suddenly tense again. "Yeah, just...a bit stressed about this assignment I have coming up, but I'll be fine." 

Ash smiled and ran her thumb over his knuckles, then slid her other hand over his wrist, rubbing his skin soothingly. "I'm sure you'll do great, Ezra. You're incredibly smart and passionate about what you do, and it's always come through in your assignments." 

Ezra managed a soft smile and squeezed her hand lightly. "Thank you, that really means a lot. I...I really like being with you, you know." 

Ash chuckled softly and leaned across the table, gently pulling him into a soft kiss. "I know, Ez. And I really like being with you too. I'm just going to run to the toilet, okay? I'll be back in a sec," she announced as she got up, and Ezra smiled, letting her fingers slip from his reluctantly. 

He watched her walk off for a moment, then checked his phone, wincing internally when he opened his messages. 

_ Magpie, 20:24 _

_ That sounds great! I'm excited for it, I really like spending time with you xxx _

Ezra sighed and rested his chin in his hand, glaring down at his phone and trying to figure out how to reply. Eventually, he decided to simply leave it and slipped his phone away again, trying to put it out of his mind as Ash came back, flashing him one of her beautiful smiles. 

Ezra did his best to ignore those nagging thoughts of AJ over the rest of his date with Ash, but they just kept popping up, invading his peace and leering at him tauntingly. Even as he got in her car to go home with her, he couldn't stop thinking about AJ's erratic driving. And with Ash's hands on him, her voice in his ear, her lips on his skin, it still took a good few minutes for the thoughts of AJ to melt away. It was just too easy to imagine their hair tangled in his fingers, their breath soft on his skin, their body pressed to his. 

The next day, Ezra left Ash's house after a leisurely breakfast full of kisses and jokes and playful touches, and headed home. It was a fairly long bus ride, but Ezra didn't mind, just listening to music with his eyes closed, until his phone buzzed in his pocket. He slipped it out and blinked at it, still a bit stuck in his thoughts. 

_ Magpie, 10:27 _

_ Hey, I'm looking forward to seeing you! Do you want me to pick you up? I'm probably going to drive today, cos I have an appointment in the evening before work and I don't want to be late xx  _

Ezra smiled despite himself, letting out a slow breath. He was going to see AJ and it was going to be fun, he had to let go of his worries and get back to just being in the moment. 

_ Ezra, 10:28  _

_ No worries, I'll meet you there :) you're up early again, everything okay? xx _

The little typing bubble popped up immediately and Ezra waited patiently, biting his lip as the message appeared. 

_ Magpie, 10:30  _

_ Yeah, I'm all good. I got woken up by Bea coming back from Dagon's and hoovering the entire flat at like ten, but she seems to be done now, so I'm going to try to sleep some more. I'll let you know when I leave and everything xx  _

Ezra smiled a little wider, typing out a quick reply and then letting his head fall against the bus window, his eyes slipping closed again as he relaxed even further, his mind filled with thoughts of AJ's fingers twined in his. 

_ Ezra, 10:31  _

_ Good, I'll see you soon xx _

* * *

Ezra saw the shock of bright red hair and smiled to himself, his steps getting quicker unconsciously, his strides more confident. AJ was sitting on the museum steps in that same little black dress he'd seen them wear before, once again with frayed, greying converse. As he got closer, he could see the way they were sitting more clearly, their head down, hair dangling, their knees tucked up quite high, feet resting only one step below the rest of them with their toes turned in slightly. 

If he'd had to describe the way they looked in one word, he wouldn't have had to think for very long at all before settling on 'adorable.'

Ezra's shoes made a quiet scuffing sound as he climbed the steps and came to a stop beside AJ. Their head turned slightly, their posture suddenly tense, but they relaxed quickly and looked up. Ezra flashed them a smile and offered his hand, which made them pause for a second before taking it and allowing him to support them as they got to their feet. 

"Hey," he said awkwardly, trying to ignore the way his skin burned and tingled under their touch, making his breath feel short and his heart beat faster. AJ shifted their weight slightly and smiled at him as they took their ear buds out of their ears and stuffed them into their denim jacket's pocket. 

"Hey." 

"You look really cute again," Ezra blurted out before he could stop himself, then cursed in his head, gritting his teeth as he tried to remind himself to keep his distance. But it was true. He loved seeing AJ wearing casual clothes, feeling a little thrill at the thought of getting to see them in a way very few others did. And they'd opted for a lighter style of makeup, which he loved, as they'd skipped the foundation and left their stunning, adorable freckles on full display. 

"Thank you," AJ smiled, their cheeks flushing as they wrinkled their nose slightly. "My hair looks a mess, though." 

Ezra tilted his head, then, against his better judgement, reached up to brush a lock of that silky, perfect red hair behind their gold-bedecked ear. "You know, you can accept compliments without putting yourself down, it's okay," he pointed out softly, forcing himself not to look at their lips, instead looking a little further down and noticing the baby blue ribbon choker around their neck. "Too many people feel like they have to say a 'but' after the thank you, but you don't, I promise." 

AJ's golden eyes roamed over Ezra's face for a long few seconds before they nodded and looked down. "Sorry." 

"Don't apologise to me, apologise to yourself," Ezra joked softly, admiring the way the chilly wintry sun made their hair glow until he shook himself mentally. 

AJ laughed quietly and Ezra shoved his hands in his coat pocket before AJ could reach for them. 

"Shall we?" 

"I'd love to. I'm very excited about this," AJ grinned, eyes sparkling, and Ezra smiled contentedly, already feeling that lovely, enveloping warmth of AJ's company. 

"Good." 

They wandered around the exhibition for quite a while, AJ finding a dimly lit room of paintings they liked and simply sitting on the bench in the centre for a good few minutes. Ezra went to sit with them after about five, and they leaned their head on his shoulder before he could discreetly pull away without upsetting them. So he simply accepted his fate and sat for another ten minutes or so, having to remind himself almost constantly not to lean his head against theirs. It was just too easy, so easy to fall back into the patterns of touch he'd established with AJ, except now it didn't feel quite right. Not with the thought of Ash and her feelings lingering in the back of his mind. 

It became a little easier when AJ stood up again, though, as Ezra could keep his hands in his pockets and simply follow their lead around the museum. He liked watching their expressions as they studied the paintings, their smiles of delight and frowns of concentration, the way they leaned in closer to the ones they liked and the way they could cast a glance at a piece and move on without another look. It was just as enjoyable watching AJ take in the art as it was to actually look at the work itself. 

It took them a good two hours to make their way through the whole exhibit, and they left the museum walking shoulder-to-shoulder, AJ buried in the silence of contemplation as their skirt was whipped around their perfect legs by a strong, cold breeze. 

"What now?" Ezra asked quietly, and AJ looked at him, flicking their hair back over their shoulder carefully. 

"Coffee? I have a while before my appointment," they suggested, and Ezra nodded before he could catch himself. 

"That sounds great." 

"I passed a place that looked nice on my way here from the car park, maybe we could go there?" AJ asked nervously, and Ezra nodded again, desperately wanting to take their hand, to slip his fingers between theirs, but refraining all over again. 

"Lead the way." 

Soon enough, they were sitting together in a quiet corner of a rather nice coffee shop, mugs on the table between them. AJ picked up their latte - it had been flavoured with something sugar-free that had an unnecessarily long name and sounded sickly sweet - and took a sip. Ezra blinked, immediately slapped around the face with a feeling of deja vu that took him a few seconds to unravel. In one of his almost nightly dreams about AJ, he'd taken them to a coffee shop very similar to this, and watched them drink coffee out of another white china cup. 

Catching his lip between his teeth, Ezra glanced out of the window, trying to seem casual as he toyed with the spoon in his tea mug absently. 

"You okay?" 

He almost jumped, looking across the table into AJ's soft eyes and slightly concerned smile. 

"Oh! Yeah, sorry, I got a bit lost in my thoughts," Ezra forced out hurriedly, and AJ just smiled wider, their hand finding his arm, thumb stroking over his skin. 

"I was just saying how much I enjoyed this. Thanks for inviting me," they said quietly, and Ezra ignored the blush as it rose, smiling back at them and shoving the clamouring thoughts of Ash and Anathema's words into a far corner of his mind. 

"I'm glad you came, I like seeing you having fun," he admitted before he could bite the words back, but AJ just nodded slightly, their own cheeks graced with pink as they took another sip from their coffee. 

Just as they set their mug down, their phone vibrated where it was resting facedown on the table. Frowning, they picked it up, their eyes losing all their usual brightness as they read, their breath quickening slightly. 

Ezra bit his lip, trying not to stare at them in case it was intrusive, but sensing something was happening. They closed their eyes and Ezra leaned forward quickly, recognising the way their nostrils flared, their mouth tightening at the corners. 

"AJ? What's going on? Are you okay?" He asked gently, his hand running over their arm without thinking, squeezing lightly. "AJ? Look at me, magpie." 

Those golden eyes opened again, this time swimming with tears, their breath suddenly hitching and starting again unsteadily, making Ezra realise that he hadn't noticed when they'd stopped breathing. As he stared in horror, AJ blinked and the tears overflowed, spilling down their cheeks as they set their phone down with shaking hands. 

"Magpie? What's wrong?" Ezra pressed firmly, his tone still gentle and caring as they stared at the table, beginning to tremble. Their breath was coming in short, sharp little gasps, eyes wide as the tears fell faster now. They shook their head slightly and Ezra got up, dragging his chair around to sit as close to them as he could get, his hand finding their hair tentatively. AJ twitched away, burying their face in their hands as the sobs came, soft and pitiful, as if they were trying to keep quiet. 

Sighing to himself worriedly, Ezra moved closer, no longer thinking about anything but his desperate need to comfort the shaking AJ. His arm slipped around them and this time, they leaned into him readily, slowly turning to wrap their arms around his neck, needy fingers tangling in his shirt.

"Please tell me what's going on," Ezra murmured, his own hand drifting unconsciously to the back of their head and not getting pushed away this time. "Come on, breathe. I'm here, it's alright. I've got you, sweetheart." 

AJ nuzzled their face closer into his neck, their body starting to go still, their breathing a little laboured as they tried to calm down. Ezra let out a soothing, sympathetic sound and hugged them tighter, feeling that lithe, thin body against his, seeming so small beside his softness. 

After a few more seconds, AJ pulled away, still trembling, tears still running down their cheeks, but silently as they looked down at their lap. 

"I-I got a text from Bea s-saying that Dagon has lost their um...f-fancy watch and they're saying I s-stole it," they mumbled, cheeks burning in shame, their hands twisting around one another. Ezra took them gently, untangling AJ's fingers and holding their palms together to help them calm down and feel grounded. 

"Hey. Look at me, magpie," he ordered softly, reaching up and brushing one of AJ's tears away with his knuckle. "Dagon will find their watch, and I know you didn't take it, it's okay," he soothed as soon as their uncertain gaze fixed on him, full of fear and anxiety. "It's alright, do you need another hug?" 

AJ nodded emphatically, so Ezra drew them in again, wrapping them in his arms and holding them close against his warm chest. Their head tilted against his and he let out a soft sigh. 

"I-I'm sorry for freaking out," they mumbled after a moment, but continued before Ezra could tell them not to apologise. "Dagon doesn't like me, they've threatened to report me for...for my work before, to get me kicked out," they admitted softly, fingers spreading needily on Ezra's back. "A-and I can't...I can't be homeless again," they whimpered, sparking a little flame of curiosity in Ezra's chest with the 'again.' But he smothered it quickly, knowing it wasn't the time to ask. 

"Shh, don't panic, magpie. I wouldn't let you be homeless, I promise. I'd help you figure something out, okay? I'm here for you, whatever you need," he rushed out without thinking, but knew that he meant every word. He couldn't let AJ be hurt, he just couldn't. 

AJ nodded shakily, sniffling as they turned their head to bury their face in Ezra's soft curls for a moment or two before he gently began to pull away. 

"Come on, your coffee will be getting cold," he pointed out gently, and AJ nodded again, managing a shaky, but genuine smile. 

"I'm really sorry," they mumbled, their voice still a bit wobbly as they dried their tears on their sleeve. "I've been super anxious about everything this past week, it's...really tiring," they went on, and Ezra nodded, taking their spare hand while they took a sip from their mug. 

"I can imagine," he mumbled, feeling like he should say something, but not wanting to seem like he was trying to take over the conversation. 

AJ smiled at him again, and his heart could barely take the expression on their face - their eyes still shiny with tears, their cheeks sticky, but that smile...so soft and bright, full of a wry humour. "It gets annoying, too. I had a panic attack over toast yesterday," they laughed, and Ezra smiled sympathetically. 

"I know the feeling. Do you have bad anxiety a lot?" He asked gently, and AJ nodded, looking down at their mug. 

"I think I was born anxious, but my life is pretty stressful in general. When I get stressed or worried enough, I start having symptoms like OCD. Washing my hands a lot, avoiding cracks in the pavement, locking and unlocking my door a bunch. That kind of thing. It's not bad enough to be debilitating or anything, but I think it's noticeable," they went on quietly, blushing slightly. "I'm just particular about things, and when I'm anxious, it comes out a lot worse. Like with my costume. I was anxious about the new routine, and clothing fit has always been a big anxiety trigger for me, if my shoes aren't laced right or my sleeve is too tight or whatever, I can get panic attacks. That's why I make all my own costumes, because they have to be perfect, you know?" AJ smiled, glancing at Ezra, who nodded in the hopes of encouraging them to talk more. He'd never heard them talk this much about themself before, and he wanted to hear it all, he wanted to know them as intimately as he knew himself. Even if he wasn't quite ready to admit that to himself in so many words. 

"I think I have depression as well, but I've never been diagnosed or anything," they added, looking down again and swirling the coffee in their mug absentmindedly. "I just...mostly I just handle things. But this week has been kind of bad. My birthday is always shitty." 

Ezra blinked, shocked. "Birthday?" He echoed, and AJ sighed. 

"Yeah. I don't tell anyone because I don't...I don't like it," they said quietly. "Even when I tell people I don't want to celebrate, they do something for it anyway, and...I know they're trying to be nice, but...but it...I can't.." 

AJ trailed off, suddenly seeming distraught, and Ezra nodded quickly, reaching out to run his hand down their arm slowly. 

"That's okay. I won't tell anyone or bring it up again, it's alright," he soothed, and they visibly relaxed when he touched them, even managing to smile at him before looking down again hurriedly. 

"Thank you. Anyway, it's um...been a bad week," they finished, giving a small shrug. "I'll be okay." 

AJ looked at Ezra for a moment, then smiled, their expression genuinely fond and caring, but tinged with sadness. "Being around you helps," they murmured, their eyeline flickering down briefly, causing Ezra's heart to stutter in his chest. He looked away, reminding himself of what he had outside of his friendship with AJ. 

"I'm glad I make you feel better," he said simply, and AJ was silent for a short while before their hand brushed over his curls, fingers tangling briefly. 

"Thank you. I missed you a lot while you were sick." 

Ezra swallowed, but knew he had to be honest with those beautiful golden eyes on him. "I missed you too." 

By the time they'd finished their conversation, it was getting dark outside. AJ had taken a short trip to the restroom just after their admission about their birthday, and had changed the subject to much lighter talk when they'd gotten back to the table. They'd debated about some of their favourite shows and characters, and laughed together and simply had fun. It had felt good, to be so free with AJ, but as soon as they left the coffee shop, Ezra noticed something seemed different. 

AJ seemed nervous, tense, their hands in their pockets instead of reaching for Ezra's. They glanced up the street and Ezra gently bumped his shoulder against theirs. 

"Hey, what's wrong, magpie?" 

AJ swallowed and shook their head slightly, shifting from foot to foot a few times. "I'm just...nervous about going home," they mumbled, and Ezra blinked, then reached up tentatively and stroked his hand down their forearm. 

"I'll go with you," he murmured, despite the heavy boulder of anxiety dropping into his stomach at the thought of riding in AJ's car again. "I have to go back to mine to shower and change for work, but then at least you don't have to be alone for the trip." 

AJ looked at him, a slow smile spreading across their face. "Are you sure? You don't have to," they assured him quietly, and Ezra nodded, although he wasn't certain at all. 

"Yeah, I'm sure," he soothed, and shoved his hands back into his pockets before gently nudging AJ with his elbow. "Go on, you'll need to show me where you parked." 

AJ chuckled nervously and nodded, starting to walk off. Ezra hurried to walk beside them, silence falling between them. It wasn't awkward or strained silence, though, instead the comfortable, calm silence of two people simply enjoying one another's company while lost in their own thoughts. Ezra was doing his best to distract himself from the imminent car ride, but the only things that actually took his mind off it weren't that much easier to think about. 

By the time they finally reached the 'Bentley,' Ezra's palms were getting rather sweaty. He tried to remind himself that he was doing this for AJ, that it would make them happier and less anxious, but it wasn't really working. He wrenched the dented passenger door open and got in slowly, taking deep, measured breaths as he did up his seatbelt. 

"This did pass a legal MOT, right?" Ezra asked as soon as AJ got in behind the wheel, and they glanced at him before laughing. 

"Yeah, of course! Don't be nervous, I know it's a shitty car, but it's not falling apart yet," they joked, and Ezra had to bite down on his tongue to stop the words slipping out.  _ It's not just the car that makes me nervous.  _

The car rumbled to life when AJ turned the key and Ezra swallowed hard, his fingers curling around his seatbelt. AJ didn't seem to notice, slamming the car into reverse without checking behind them, backing out of the space, and flooring it down the car park and into the road. Ezra's nails dug into the seatbelt fabric. 

It took all of his many breathing exercises he'd learned in therapy to keep from bursting into tears during the first five minutes of the drive, but after that, he began to feel numb, too scared for too long to remain frightened. 

Until AJ pulled out in front of someone at a roundabout. Ezra saw the car coming towards them, and squeezed his eyes shut, waiting for the squeal of brakes and bracing for the impact. Even though it never came, the fear of it, the expectation was enough to bring the memories back, creeping in in drips and drabs. 

The way the car had spun, the world seeming weightless and unreal for a moment. The flashing lights and sensation of being pulled from his seat. The rain on his face as he was lifted into the ambulance. 

"I can drop you at yours first, if you want," AJ said suddenly, interrupting Ezra's memories and yanking him back into the present. He felt hollow and shaky, pain shooting through his leg, the leg that he no longer had. 

"No, it's fine, I'll walk," he said quietly, amazed by his own ability to keep his voice flat and even, despite the fact that he was starting to feel dizzy. 

"Okay. Just checking," AJ said cheerfully, apparently not noticing Ezra's terror as they slammed on the brakes and swore loudly. "Pedestrians," they muttered darkly as they moved to the accelerator, the engine roaring with effort. "Always just asking to get hit." 

Ezra wasn't sure whether he was glad or not that he couldn't see the speedometer from his seat. He probably wouldn't have looked, anyway. He could barely look out of the window. 

By the time they finally reached AJ's building and parked in their space, Ezra felt like he'd had a full-body workout from keeping his muscles so tense for so long. 

He practically threw himself out of the car, trembling, relief coursing through him as he took great lungfuls of fresh air. Then he turned and saw AJ walking towards him, their keys in their hand. 

"Thanks for coming with me," they said softly, managing a small smile, and Ezra nodded, forcing himself back under control. 

"No problem," he lied. 

"I'll see you in a few hours," AJ murmured, their smile widening slightly. "Can I..?" They opened their arms and Ezra immediately pulled them into a tight hug, as much for his own comfort as theirs. They let out a happy, surprised sound, and hugged him back just as tight, as if they never wanted to let go. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! I know I'm a day early, but I have some good news! I'm going to be updating on Saturday and Sunday this week, as my editor (and angst-enabler, yes I am going to be at least partially blaming him for a lot of things in this story) suggested I give you guys a little break and soften the cliffhanger that 17 ends on. You can either read as they come out both days or you can skip Saturday and read both on Sunday, it's up to you! 
> 
> BUT the reason I am doing it on those days is because I am posting my Good Omens mini bang event fic on Monday! It's called Something Better Than Cake and I am SUPER excited about it, I got the chance to work with two wonderful artists and although I'm not sure how I'm going to be posting it just yet because I haven't been given that info yet, it will be up here on my AO3 at some point, I promise! I hope you guys will check it out, it's my first non-AU piece in a while and it's mostly self-indulgent fluff and smut so I enjoyed writing it a lot! 
> 
> Anyway, sorry for the super long notes, I hope you guys are all well, and enjoyed this chapter! <3<3<3


	17. Chapter Seventeen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains: injury detail, blood.

Ezra arrived at work the next day and immediately began looking for AJ. He'd found a video online that he knew they'd find funny, and he wanted to see their reaction in person, to hear them laugh. They were supposed to be on shift, but he couldn't find them anywhere, so he eventually gave up and got behind the bar. 

David glanced at him and then wandered over, frowning slightly. "Were you looking for AJ?" 

Ezra blinked at him, then shook his head slightly. "Hello to you too. I'm fine thanks, how are you?" He said sarcastically, then sighed. "Yeah. They're supposed to be here, aren't they?" 

David nodded, ignoring Ezra's dig, his frown deepening and becoming more worried. "Yeah, um. I think Michael told them they had to spend the night with that.." he cleared his throat awkwardly, glancing around to make sure Michael wasn't nearby. "That special client, you know? I'm kind of worried about them." 

Ezra sighed and leaned back against the bar, folding his arms over his chest. "Have you messaged them?" 

"Obviously, but they're not replying. Which is normal," he added hurriedly. "They don't really look at their phone while they're working. I'm sure they're fine, I just meant...I'm worried about them in a more general sense. It seems like Michael is being really controlling lately." 

Ezra nodded slightly, just as a group of people came up to the bar and he had to break off his conversation to make their drinks. 

Ezra didn't get a chance to talk to David again, as it got quite busy right up until he had to leave early for something or other. Ezra didn't ask too many questions - he liked David, and he didn't mind doing the last hour or so without him. Most of it was just closing up, anyway. 

When the club was finally empty of customers, Ezra did his usual tidying rounds, removing glasses from the private rooms and wiping the tables down. He liked cleaning, it gave him time to think while doing something with his hands, so he didn't mind making things a bit easier for the actual cleaner who came in during the day. 

Once the private rooms were tidy, he headed into the dressing room, gathering rubbish, wiping down the sinks and dressing tables. Then he moved on to cleaning the locker doors, taking extra care over AJ's, smiling to himself as he thought about how easy it would be to poke a note through the vents at the top. He could just imagine them smiling happily while they opened an envelope, finding a piece of paper inside with something like  _ have a lovely shift at work, sweetheart  _ written on it. 

After a few minutes of cleaning AJ's locker door and daydreaming, Ezra managed to pull himself away and walked into the corner to pack up his cleaning kit, just as the door opened and he saw a flash of red hair.

AJ hurried in, keys jingling as they dangled from their fingers. They made a beeline for their locker, apparently not noticing Ezra as they opened the door and pulled something out of it. They tucked it into their pocket and left immediately, causing Ezra to suddenly shake himself out of his confusion and run after them, slamming the back door open just before it could swing shut. AJ began to walk a little faster as soon as they heard him, but he caught up with them before they reached their car, breathing rather heavily as he gently grabbed at their coat. 

"Magpie!" He gasped, then laughed shakily as they froze. "I've missed you! You want a hug?" He panted out, and they turned slowly, their eyes cast downwards. Cold realisation trickled down Ezra's spine and he swallowed thickly, suddenly sick with worry. AJ was standing slightly awkwardly, hugging themself with one arm and cradling it with the other. He knew them well enough now to see the pain in their expression, his hands shaking slightly as he forced a smile and reached out to rub their upper arm. 

"Hey, come inside with me," he murmured, pulling at their arm ever so gently, more an encouragement than a grab. "You look hurt, I'll make you some tea and have a look," he added, trying to keep his tone soothing and jovial despite his worry. 

AJ didn't look at him, shrugging his hand off and shaking their head slightly. "It's late, Ezra. Just...go home. You've got better things to be doing than trying to fix me," they mumbled, and Ezra sighed, a flash of annoyance dancing in his stomach. He ignored it, taking a deep breath and stepping closer to AJ just as they shifted. Their coat fell to the side slightly and Ezra caught a glimpse of dark blood, glistening in the light of the club's neon signs. Panic rose in his throat, choking him, but he tried to swallow it, reaching up and gently cradling AJ's cheek in his hand. They leaned into it for just a moment, then turned their head away, still staring at the ground. Ezra sighed. 

"Come on, AJ. Please? It's not that late, I don't mind. I'd rather know that you're okay, and you're clearly very hurt. Let me take a look, it won't take long," he tried again, taking deep, slow breaths as he shoved his hands in his pockets so he couldn't touch them again. 

"I'm fine," AJ said quietly, shaking their head, but Ezra could see the way they were trembling, that arm clutched tight against their side. "Thank you, but I'm just going to go home and rest," they mumbled, and Ezra's control slipped briefly. 

"Oh for fuck's sake!" He snapped, wincing when AJ flinched, but completely unable to stop talking. "AJ, please. Please come inside and let me look. You mean so much to me," he went on, his chest feeling hollow, his hands suddenly on their cheeks, his thumbs running back and forth over their soft skin. "I wish you knew. Seeing you always makes my day so, so much better, even when it's shitty and I feel awful, you make me feel good. I love your laugh and your smile, I love seeing you happy. It makes me happy, it's infectious in the best way. I care for you so deeply, AJ. Every time you take my hand, I feel so much lighter, and I fill up with this amazing joy. But seeing you like this...it hurts. Seeing you so broken down makes me feel broken too, seeing that joy crushed...it's  _ devastating. _ I can't prevent this from happening, I wish I could, but I can't. At least let me help you afterwards. Please, AJ. I...I love you," Ezra murmured, tears stinging his eyes, his voice wobbling. He couldn't help it, he couldn't help the need to pour his heart out to AJ, even as the confession made him realise for the first time - he really did love them. Everything about them. 

A single tear spilled over and ran down his cheek, and he was suddenly pinned with those beautiful golden eyes, full of anxiety and confusion. He managed a shaky smile and stroked their cheek gently, another tear falling almost in slow motion. 

"Please," he whispered, then went on in stronger tones. "Please let me look, I promise I won't ask any questions or anything, I just-" Ezra's voice broke as the third tear fell. "I  _ need  _ you to be okay. I need to help, I need to see you smile and be happy," he begged, and AJ finally spoke again, interrupting him softly, their voice barely above a whisper. Their eyes were softer now, but Ezra couldn't make out the expression, his heart thudding in his ears. 

"Okay...I-I'll come inside." 

Relief crashed through Ezra like a wave, washing away the sudden terror of confession. He managed a shaky smile and offered his hand, sniffling when AJ took it, and starting to lead them back towards the club. 

Once they were inside, Ezra dried his cheeks and sat AJ down on the bench, fussing around them and asking them if they wanted tea or a drink. They waved him away and started to unbutton their blouse shakily, so Ezra hurried off, fetching the first aid kit and keeping his mind focused on fixing AJ instead of worrying about what had just happened. 

He found them shirtless and shivering, hugging themself loosely. They'd tried to wrap their arm and torso in scraps of old clothing, but they'd bled through quite a lot. Ezra sighed to himself and pulled his gloves on, then carefully began to peel the makeshift bandages away. He hissed between his teeth, staring at the knife wounds. There were two on their side and one on their arm; long, open cuts. Luckily, they weren't deep enough to need stitches, so Ezra just got to work in silence, cleaning the wounds very carefully and ignoring AJ's little winces and gasps. Once they were clean, he taped a pad over the cuts on their side and wrapped the one on their arm in gauze, pulling the gloves off when he finished. AJ looked at him nervously and Ezra smiled sadly, reaching up to brush a lock of their hair behind their ear. "Better?"

"Much," they whispered, their eyes flickering down again, their expression completely unreadable. 

"Do you have a clean shirt?" 

AJ seemed surprised, but just shook their head, so Ezra got up and rushed out something along the lines of 'I'll be right back' before hurrying out of the dressing room. The bartenders got their own tiny lockers near the staff entrance, and he always kept a spare t-shirt in his. He tugged it out and half jogged back to AJ, offering it to them with a smile. 

"Thank you," they mumbled, taking it from him and slipping it on immediately. Ezra had to remind himself to breathe - the shirt was almost a dress on them, and looked absolutely adorable, especially when they hugged themself loosely, looking up at him with a small, weak smile. 

Ezra sank to the bench beside them, opening his arm out and sighing in relief when they pressed themself into his side, sniffling. Sniffles soon turned to tears, and then soft little sobs, so Ezra turned, pulling them into the best hug he could manage. They buried their face in his neck and just clung to him gently, the too big dressing room filled with the sounds of their soft crying. 

Ezra didn't try to stop them, he just held them tightly, cradling the back of their head in one hand. He let his fingers tangle in their hair, his head leaning against theirs, and was simply there with them while they cried. 

It could have been minutes or hours, Ezra didn't know or care, he just sat there and held AJ until they gently began to pull away, wiping their cheeks shakily. They forced a smile and Ezra wanted to kiss them more than he'd wanted anything in his life, but he knew it wouldn't be the right moment. Instead, he just sighed softly and took their hand, giving it a gentle squeeze. 

"Come on. You should go home and rest," he murmured, and AJ nodded, looking down at their hands and lacing their fingers together before standing up slowly. Ezra followed their lead and walked with them out to the car park, trying not to think about how unbearably sweet they looked in his oversized t-shirt. 

AJ stopped next to their car and turned slowly, smiling a little awkwardly, their cheeks flushed. "Thank you," they mumbled, and Ezra nodded, shoving away the thoughts of how easy it would be to just lean in and taste those beautiful lips. 

"Get some sleep, okay? You look exhausted," he murmured, unable to help himself as he reached up and stroked their cheek slowly. "Call me if you need anything, I'm here for you. I promise. Anything," he said firmly, and AJ's smile became a little more relaxed. 

They leaned in and Ezra's heart stopped as he felt a soft, gentle kiss being pressed to his cheek, AJ's fingertips gracing the other side of his face for just a moment, light against his jaw. And then they were pulling away and smiling, and it was genuine, although more than a little sad. "You're my angel, thank you," they murmured, and Ezra's breath hitched. They gave him one last long look, then turned and got into their car before he could say anything. They started the engine and waved to him, and Ezra waved back shakily, feeling heavy and awkward as he watched them drive off. 

Ezra locked up and went home, feeling oddly numb the whole way. His brain wasn't really working, probably protecting him from his thoughts all the way up until he unlocked his front door and slipped into the apartment. 

As soon as he was home and in his safe space, it hit him all at once. 

He'd confessed. He'd told AJ how he felt, how much he liked them, how he truly felt for them. 

Ezra made his way to his bedroom shakily, suddenly noticing the little sliver of light under Anathema's door. Driven by an unconscious need to be close to someone, to talk to his best friend, he knocked once. 

"Come in." 

Ezra twisted the door handle, took one look at Anathema sitting at her desk, her hair up in a messy bun and glasses on the end of her nose, and began to cry. Her eyes widened and she shoved her glasses back up her nose, jumping up to gently drag him into the room. She guided him to the bed and sat down beside him, wrapping her arm around his shoulders. Ezra couldn't help it, he began to sob quietly, everything overcoming him at once. It was all so overwhelming, not only having to deal with the knowledge that he'd told AJ how he felt, but with a simple, crushing realisation - Anathema had been right about Ash. 

Now that his feelings for AJ were out there, they'd been vocalised and were suddenly very, very real, he knew in every part of himself that he was with Ash for the wrong reasons. He liked her, he really did, he loved her as a friend, but he was with her to ease his loneliness, not because he really, truly wanted a relationship with her. 

Ezra turned suddenly and buried his face in Anathema's neck, and she hugged him tightly, her fingers sliding into his curls and holding him. 

"Shhh, it's okay," Anathema soothed, her thumb stroking over his scalp slowly. "Talk to me, Ez. Let me help," she murmured, and he carefully began to pull away, trying to dry his tears and mostly failing. It took him a while to get his breathing under enough control to talk, but Anathema was patient, stroking his hair and just smiling at him encouragingly until he finally stopped sobbing. 

"I told...I told AJ how I feel. Th-that I love them," he whimpered after a few minutes, and Anathema looked surprised for a moment, then nodded, wrapping her arm around his shoulders again. "They were hurt a-and they wouldn't let me look, and I just...I couldn't stop telling them how much they mean to me," he gasped, brushing away a few more tears as they fell. 

"What did they say?" Anathema asked softly, her voice very gentle, her brown eyes full of concern. 

Ezra forced down another sob and shrugged, flashing her a shaky, desperate smile. "Nothing. They let me clean them up a-and walk them to their car, and then kissed me on the cheek. I...I d-don't think.." he trailed off, but Anathema shook her head, smiling at him encouragingly. 

"That could mean a lot of things, Ez. You need to talk to them." 

He nodded, then sniffed and looked at her again, trying to stop his lip from wobbling. "You were right," he said very softly. "About Ash." 

"I know," Anathema sighed, pulling him into a brief, gentle hug. "I wish I wasn't, Ez. I really do. But I also know that you really like AJ, and I really think it could work out with them." 

Ezra just nodded slightly, desperately glad that he had Anathema to lean on instead of panicking alone in his room. "I have to break up with Ash," he sniffed, his fingers curling in Anathema's shirt, hurt blossoming in his chest. He really did like Ash, and he knew this wasn't going to be easy. 

"Yeah, you do," Anathema sighed, squeezing him tighter for a moment or two. "But it's only been a few weeks, it'll be alright," she soothed, and Ezra nodded, closing his eyes as he tried to relax into his friend's arms. Anathema rested her head against his, letting out a quiet sigh. Her hand stroked up and down his back, and then she gently began to pull away. 

"Come on, you should sleep," she pointed out softly, giving his shoulder a light, playful push. "You look like shit, and we can talk some more tomorrow. I wanna know when love entered this equation." 

"Thanks," Ezra chuckled, but looked down, the smile fading immediately. "I'd like that. I don't know if I can sleep, though." 

"It's nearly three, you should at least try," Anathema murmured, ruffling his hair lightly. "Go on. You can talk to Ash tomorrow and maybe AJ as well, yeah? But you can't do any more tonight, and you need sleep." 

Ezra nodded and got up slowly, thanking her quietly before slipping out and heading to his own room. He got ready for bed, but just sat there for a while, staring at nothing. Then he turned the lights out and curled up, closing his eyes. 

* * *

Ezra was shaking as he walked up to the coffee shop. Ash was waiting outside, leaning back against the wall and texting someone on her phone. As he got close, she slipped it back into her pocket and looked up, a smile spreading across her face when she saw him. 

"Hey, Ez. You look fancy, is that your work outfit?" 

He managed a smile, nodding as she stepped forward, her fingers curling around his chin before she gently pulled him down into a soft kiss. Ezra couldn't help leaning into it slightly, cherishing the comfort it brought him, but still broke away fairly quickly, clearing his throat awkwardly. 

"Let's um...go inside," he murmured, and she nodded, taking his hand and lacing their fingers as she led him into the cafe. 

They ended up at a table fairly near the back, luckily quite tucked away, and sat down together, setting their drinks down in front of them. Ash narrowed her eyes as soon as Ezra had settled into his seat. 

"Something's wrong, what's going on?" She asked quietly, and Ezra sighed, looking down and fiddling with the straw on his iced tea. 

"Um...I...I really like you, Ash. I um...we have good times a-and I really care for you, but.." he swallowed and glanced up nervously, to see Ash looking at him curiously, her eyebrows knitted together. "Um...look, I...fuck, I hate this," he mumbled, burying his face in his hands for a moment before taking a deep breath and dropping them back into his lap. "I really like you. But I think I'm...I'm in love with someone else," he admitted quietly, the 'L' word choking him with its intense finality, and yet feeling right, the way it hung in the air. "And that's not fair to you, I can't...I can't do this with you just because.." he trailed off again and Ash leaned across the table, offering him her hands. He took them shakily, looking at her in confusion. She simply smiled, although he could see the sadness in her eyes. 

"Look, while I was away, I had an open relationship," she began softly, hope in her voice. "I had this girlfriend and she was polyamorous, and I ended up dating a guy at the same time...and it really worked out for me, I really liked it, and maybe-" 

Ezra squeezed her hands gently, shaking his head as he interrupted as carefully as he could. "I'm really sorry, Ash. I'm really glad that worked for you and that you feel secure enough with me to suggest it, but it wouldn't work for me. You know me, and my issues with relationships, I can't...I can't do two at once, I can barely manage one." 

Ash nodded slightly, sniffing as her eyes suddenly filled with tears. "I know," she said in a small voice, then forced a smile. "I know you." 

"I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have done this...I'm...I hope you can forgive me, you're one of my best friends," Ezra murmured, starting to feel rather tearful himself, his voice shaking. "I really care about you." 

She nodded again, running her thumbs over his knuckles. "I know you do, Ezra. I'm going to need space for a while, because I...I really do like you, but...but I want to get back to a place where we can be friends again. I didn't like that we stopped talking the first time." 

"Me neither," Ezra agreed softly, leaning over the table to brush a tear off her cheek as it fell. "I'm so sorry." 

Ash smiled shakily and gently slipped her hand from his, starting to gather up her coat. "I know, Ezra. Thank you for your honesty, but I'm...I think I need to go home," she mumbled, her voice choked, and Ezra got up hurriedly, nodding. 

"I'll walk you out," he mumbled, and she flashed a wan smile, slipping her coat back on and hurrying out of the cafe. Ezra followed her quickly, completely forgetting about his tea, and she stopped outside the door, looking at him as her tears welled up again and spilled down her cheeks. Ezra gritted his teeth, feeling like his heart was being ripped in two very, very slowly. 

"Can I have a hug?" She asked softly, shakily, and he didn't even hesitate to nod, pulling her into his arms and hugging her tightly, his eyes closing as she clung to him gently. And then she was pulling away and walking off, and Ezra knew better than to go after her. He stood for a moment, watching her go, then let out a soft sigh and turned away, heading for the club. 

~

AJ was on an early shift, due to get to work at eight to get ready for the club opening at nine. They had an early night every first Sunday of the month for whatever reason, and AJ liked the hours, as closing at one instead of three meant they could sometimes fit in a client before they had to go to bed. 

They were feeling a bit tired that day, though, so they headed to the coffee shop a few streets over for a pick-me-up, their hair tucked up in a messy bun under a nice warm bobble hat. Just as they were about to cross the street, they noticed Ezra and smiled to themself, ready to run over and surprise him. AJ could already imagine the delighted look on his face, the smile that would brighten his eyes when he spotted them. 

And then they froze. Ezra was talking to a woman who'd been waiting outside, and she was getting closer to him. AJ stared, their heart sinking and then feeling as if it had been shattered as the girl kissed Ezra. He even leaned into it, his hand going to her cheek, and nausea flooded through AJ. 

They turned on their heel and immediately walked off, hands shoved in their pockets, the tears welling up in their throat. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, I know this is a short one, but I hope you enjoyed it anyway! Even with the cliffhanger I was warning you all about >:D  
> I'd love to know what you all think of this one, and don't forget, I'm updating tomorrow as well! <3<3


	18. Chapter Eighteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains: internalised transphobia (including use of slurs)

Ezra didn't see AJ much over the next week, and didn't manage to have a conversation with them, despite his best efforts. The most he saw of them was when they were on stage or hurrying back and forth to different private rooms. They were always gone by the time Ezra finished his shift, and they weren't replying to any of his texts. 

Ezra eventually tried asking David out of frustration, but he simply said he couldn't talk about it and kept brushing him off to go and do something else every time Ezra brought up AJ. 

It was making him feel even more lonely than before, seeing AJ for only a few seconds at a time and knowing they were going backwards and forwards trying to make other men happy. It stung, he couldn't help it, especially since he had no idea what he'd done wrong. AJ was clearly upset about something, it was obvious, but he kept wracking his brain trying to come up with an answer without any success. 

By the end of the week, he was frustrated enough to come up with something new - leaving them a note. He'd thought of it before, but now it seemed like the only way to communicate with them, as he had a feeling they weren't even reading his texts. 

Before going to work on Friday, Ezra found an envelope in his desk and thought for a moment before leaving it blank. He wasn't sure if they'd even open it if it was obvious he'd left it for them, so he just got to writing, leaving it short and sweet. 

_Dear AJ,_

_I apologise if I've done anything to upset you. I've been trying to figure out why you've been ignoring my texts, and I can't figure it out. I'm hoping that maybe you'll read this and understand that you can tell me what's upsetting you. I promise I'll do my best to fix it. I miss you very much, magpie._

_Ezra xxx_

Once it was written, Ezra slipped the note into the envelope, sealed it, and tucked it into his coat pocket before heading off to work, feeling just a little optimistic. 

After another night of watching AJ from what felt like an insurmountable distance, however, most of Ezra's optimism had slipped away. He'd watched a bit more of their set that night and noticed that they'd taken out the _From Eden_ remix. That had been enough to make him feel like leaving in the middle of his shift and walking himself home. 

But Ezra managed to finish the night and decided to drop off the letter before his usual cleaning rounds, and before he could back down and tell himself he'd do it the next day. He wandered into the dressing room a little nervously, and froze in shock as soon as he slipped through the door. AJ was standing with their back to the door, their phone pressed to their ear and their fingers tangled in their hair. 

"Jesus fucking Christ! You can't fucking do this!" They were screaming, louder and angrier than Ezra had ever heard them sound. "My car won't fucking start, am I supposed to walk my arse home at three in the _fucking morning_ through the shittiest part of this godawful fucking city, IN THE FUCKING RAIN? Fuck! You!" 

Blinking, Ezra walked up to them slowly, his hands shaking ever so slightly as they glanced at him. He'd been expecting anger on their expression, but what he saw first was fear, stabbing cold ice through his heart. He reached up and gently squeezed their shoulder, his thumb rubbing their skin through their hoodie. 

"Hey. Let me help," he murmured, and the rage he'd been expecting suddenly flared in their eyes as they hung up the phone and violently slapped his hand away from their shoulder. 

"Get the fuck away from me!" They yelled, and Ezra took a step back, shocked and unsure of exactly what to say. They looked like some kind of vengeful god, their hair messy and glowing in the odd lighting of the dressing room, their eyes glittering with wrath. "I'm sick of your fucking help! I don't fucking want it!" AJ went on, their voice only raising in volume as Ezra stood there in confusion and terror, his heart racing so fast he could barely make out the individual beats. 

"I _hate_ you!" AJ snarled, not moving towards Ezra, but still seeming to loom over him. "First you send me fucking mixed messages for weeks! Inviting me out, almost kissing me thousands of goddamn times, and now this? You fucking two-faced piece of shit! You tell me you love me and the next fucking day-" 

They cut themself off, pain briefly breaking through the fury, flashing on their face as they swallowed. "I dream about you almost every night," they went on in a quieter voice, although it was trembling with suppressed anger. "Every. Fucking. Night. I see you, and I'm fucking sick of it! It's not fucking fair!" They growled, voice climbing once again as Ezra continued to stand completely still, rooted to the spot. "I think about you when I'm working! I can't have a fucking night to myself! I should have known not to trust a fucking straight man! After all, it's not like I'm a real woman, huh?" AJ snapped. "I know I'm just a stupid fucking tranny trap, but I'm still not going to be some man's secret side slut!" 

Ezra took a deep breath as light dawned and a choir began to sing an ode to sudden realisations. "AJ, I-" 

"Leave me the fuck alone!" They screamed, and he raised his hands in a shaky gesture of peace. 

"I will, just...give me five seconds," he murmured, and they looked away from him sharply, glaring at their locker door, jaw tight. Ezra took another slow breath. "I can explain. I think I know what you're talking about, and I promise you, you're not a side piece. But I don't think you're in the right mindset to hear me right now," he added softly, taking a slow step closer to them and slipping his phone out of his pocket. "Let me call you a taxi, okay?" 

AJ gave a barely perceptible nod, still not looking at him. Ezra sighed in relief and quickly dialed a number for a local cab company, then leaned back against the lockers as he ordered the cab. Once he hung up, he reached into his coat and pulled out the envelope, offering it to AJ. 

"I was going to leave this in your locker." 

They didn't move for a moment or two, then glanced at the envelope and snatched it from Ezra's hand, stuffing it into their hoodie pocket hurriedly. Ezra smiled ever so slightly, a little glimmer of hope beginning to spread warmth in his tight chest. 

"Can I come wait outside with you? We don't have to talk or anything, I just want to see you get in the taxi." 

Another tiny nod seemed to be the best Ezra was going to get, so he began to lead the way outside, pulling his coat tighter around himself, looking out the door to where the rain was hammering down. AJ rushed past him, just pulling the hood of their thick sweatshirt over their head as a nominal protection against the storm. Ezra sighed, grabbed his umbrella, and followed after. 

AJ stood staring down the street, watching for the cab, so Ezra walked up beside them and raised his umbrella over their head. He made sure to be looking away from AJ when they turned to stare, and he feigned disinterest, pretending to be watching for the cab as well. Only when AJ huffed and turned back to the road did Ezra glance back over to them. 

Their profile was outlined beautifully in the light of a nearby street lamp, giving the edges of their features a bright golden glow, their eyes looking breathtaking in the low light, rain drops clinging to their long false lashes. Ezra couldn't help but stare, wishing that he could just step forward and pull them into his arms, to kiss them until they both ran out of breath. 

And then the taxi pulled into the parking lot and AJ was hurrying away from Ezra immediately, without waiting for him to walk them over. Ezra sighed to himself and simply watched, his heart sinking as they got into the car and pulled back out into the wet road. 

Only when Ezra slipped back out of the rain and into the warmth of the deserted club did he realise the full extent of what had happened, of AJ's confession. It hadn't been as clear as his own, fuelled as it was by so much rage and hurt, but one thing clinched it for him - their dreams. AJ had admitted to dreaming about him nearly every night, as well as daydreaming when they were working. 

Ezra sank down onto the dressing room bench, shaking slightly as he buried his face in his hands, dragging them down over his skin slowly. He _knew,_ he knew they liked him. He wasn't sure if their feelings went as deep as his own, but he knew that AJ had some kind of feelings for him. He should have felt on top of the world, he should have been elated, but there was that one last barrier in the way, niggling at him as he sat there, head in his hands, his knee bouncing anxiously. They were absolutely, utterly pissed off with him. 

Ezra bit his lip, trying to think. They'd said something about 'the next day,' so they must have discovered his relationship with Ash on the same day he broke up with her - just his luck. 

He stared at nothing for a minute or two, then forced himself to stand up again, finishing the cleaning as quickly as he could before heading back out into the rain to walk home. 

The tapping of the rain on his umbrella was oddly soothing, and he managed a small smile, trying to think positively about things. It was all out in the open now. It still sounded odd in his head to say that he loved AJ, but at least they both knew. And AJ had feelings for him. 

They couldn't deny it anymore, either of them, and if they could work through this last roadblock… 

Ezra shivered at the thought, his smile widening, delight bursting in his chest. He tried not to get too caught up in the fantasy, but it was so, so difficult. His phone buzzed after a few moments, however, and he gave a soft sigh, breaking himself out of his thoughts to slip it from his pocket. 

_Magpie, 3:04_

_I'm home safe._

The tone was much more aggressive than usual, but the text still made Ezra grin, optimism once again blooming. They were finally giving in and texting him again. 

He stared at the screen for a while, still walking, then finally started to type. 

_Ezra, 3:07_

_Good, I'm glad. Thank you for texting me xx_

Ezra decided to leave it at that and finished his walk home, trying to put everything out of his mind as soon as he slipped through his front door. 

* * *

The next day was a Saturday, so Ezra didn't set an alarm and slept late, waking up to his phone ringing next to his head. Groaning, he slapped at it and picked it up, pressing it to his ear. 

"Hello?" 

"Hey.."

The voice was nervous and very soft, but woke Ezra up immediately, his heart pounding as he sat up hurriedly. 

"AJ!" He gasped shakily, and they cleared their throat before he could say anything else. 

"I've been texting you," they began accusingly, and Ezra groaned again, glancing at his bedside clock. It was nearly one in the afternoon. 

"Sorry, m-...AJ, I slept late," he murmured, and heard a soft sigh on the other end of the line. 

"What's this explanation?" AJ demanded in what they probably hoped was a strong voice, but Ezra could hear the harmonics of hope. 

"What...what did you see?" He asked very quietly, and they clicked their tongue sharply. 

"I'm not falling for that. Tell me what you did," they snapped, and Ezra nodded slightly, slowly laying back down and closing his eyes.

"Okay, I um...well, the night before, after I...told you how I feel, I went home a-and had a bit of a breakdown and a talk with Anathema. I...I started seeing this old girlfriend again a few weeks ago because I was lonely, and that night I realised I had to break up with her," he mumbled, trying to be as honest as he could. "She rang me up out of the blue saying she was back in town, that's how I started seeing her again. But um...anyway, I um...I invited her for coffee before work and then worked on my dissertation all the way up to our meeting. She kissed me, and I didn't want to hurt her feelings, so I went along with it. We went inside, I told her I'm in love with someone else, she left, and I went to work," he finished quietly, and there was a long silence in response. 

"I...I saw you kiss her," AJ admitted brokenly, and Ezra nodded, reminding himself to keep calm. 

"I figured. And I understand, I really do. I can see why you got upset. But I'm telling you the truth now, you can ask her, you can ask Anathema. I.." Ezra bit back the 'L' word, not sure that AJ was ready to hear it quite yet, despite how much he desperately wanted to say it, over and over. "I really like you and care for you, AJ. And, for the record, I know this isn't really that important, but I'm not straight," he went on, his words a little rushed as he realised he might be about to upset them again. "I'm bi, I just...for some um...personal reasons, I've never had relationships with men, and um...never with anyone amab before either. Just because I've never met any trans amab people before you," he mumbled, blushing furiously now. AJ was silent for a few agonising seconds, then laughed softly. 

"Duly noted," they murmured, their voice shaky and followed with a sniff. "Ezra?" 

"Yes, sweetheart?" Ezra answered, letting the pet name slip despite his better judgement. 

"I...I want to see you," they admitted shyly, and Ezra immediately smiled, closing his eyes as he bit his lip lightly. 

"How about...how about you come here?" He suggested quietly, rolling over in bed to glare at the pile of laundry on his floor as if it might spontaneously clean itself if he concentrated hard enough. "I really want to see you, too." 

"I'd like that," AJ smiled, and Ezra could tell they were really smiling, their voice light and happy. "Dagon is here, and they're being fucking annoying," they added, the smile suddenly giving way to biting irritation. 

"Come here, then. I need at least fifteen minutes to tidy, but I...I'd like you to come over," Ezra said softly, and heard a quiet, happy little sigh from AJ. 

"Half an hour?" 

"Perfect." 

As soon as AJ hung up, Ezra jumped out of bed and used his crutches to shower, then blow dried his hair hurriedly, donned his prosthesis, and got dressed. He kicked most of the mess into his closet, tidied his shelves, desk, and bedside table, then made his bed. It was a bit of a struggle to find places for all the books scattered around his room, pretty much on every available surface - they certainly didn’t all fit on the shelves, so he ended up having to stack them on his desk. Once that was done, he fetched two glasses of water from the kitchen and placed them on the bedside table. He thought about adding some snacks, but decided that he'd probably be too nervous to eat them, and AJ didn't seem like a snacking kind of person. 

Ezra glanced around worriedly, then hurried into the kitchen again, checking the key hook. Anathema's keys weren't on it, and he let out a soft sigh of relief. He loved his best friend and roommate, but he wasn't sure AJ could cope with meeting her quite yet. 

Just as this went through his mind, he heard the intercom buzz and winced, snatching up his keys before hurrying to the door. He pressed the buzzer and heard the faint sounds of the door opening down the hall before there was a tentative knock. Smiling excitedly, Ezra unlocked his front door and opened it to see AJ looking absolutely stunning and incredibly nervous. 

They were wearing a lovely little cropped sweater with low rise dark jeans, just showing off a slice of midriff and the sparkle of their belly button piercing. Their makeup was perfect as always, just a touch of mascara and eyeliner, their freckles on show the way Ezra loved. They smiled at him, their eyes slightly wide, and he stepped aside to let them in, shutting the door as they crouched down to take their shoes off. 

"Oh, you uh...don't have to," Ezra mumbled awkwardly, but AJ just shrugged and slipped their converse off anyway. 

"I like not having shoes on," they admitted as they straightened up, cheeks flushed, and Ezra finally opened his arms. 

"Hug?" 

He barely had to ask, AJ already pressed into his chest, their face buried in his fluffy hair. 

"I'm sorry," they breathed out softly, and Ezra just hugged them tighter. 

"Me too. We're okay now," he pointed out gently, and AJ nodded, nuzzling closer to him, their fingers pressing into his back lightly. 

Ezra gently began to pull away and they let go hurriedly, already blushing again. A little confused by this, Ezra carefully took their hand and began to lead them to his bedroom. He hadn't expected them to be so nervous, but now that they were being shy and sweet, he knew he had to help try to put them at ease again. 

"Do you wanna watch something?" He asked quietly as he shut the bedroom door behind them, and AJ just stood there for a moment, looking a bit confused. Ezra couldn't help but notice their mismatched socks - one black, one white. 

"I um...yeah," they answered hesitantly, a bright smile slowly spreading across their face. "I...do you feel like we need to talk more?" 

Ezra shrugged, walking over and sitting down on the edge of the bed in the hopes that AJ would follow his lead. "Not really. I think...I think maybe right now we need to get used to being around one another again. You seem really nervous, and I don't know if talking like this will be helpful," he pointed out gently as AJ sank to the bed beside him, tugging at the hem of their sweater. 

"Yeah, you're um...probably right," they smiled, their eyes still not quite smiling with the rest of their face. "Let's watch something." 

Ezra nodded and opened his laptop on his lap, moving to sit with his back against the wall. AJ followed, the leg closest to Ezra laid out straight, the other bent at the knee and hugged to their chest. Ezra shifted a bit closer and, to his delight, AJ didn't pull away when the outside of their thighs touched together. 

He opened Netflix and started some random _Red Dwarf_ episode playing, chuckling to himself when AJ began quietly quoting the lines along with the show. They seemed to relax as soon as the theme song played, in fact, leaning into Ezra slightly as the focus was taken off of them and their interactions with Ezra. Their hand even slowly went searching for Ezra's about ten minutes in, their head finding his shoulder. 

Ezra smiled to himself, but didn't say anything, until AJ gave a soft giggle and nudged him gently.

"You're Lister, there," they grinned teasingly, and Ezra turned to stare at them, one eyebrow raised. AJ laughed again. "You spill food on yourself a lot," they pointed out, and Ezra growled as the blush rose on his cheeks. He tossed the laptop aside, then started to tickle AJ. They squealed immediately, trying to jerk away, kicking out uselessly, but Ezra easily used his weight to his advantage, his hands sliding up under their sweater by accident, finding their ribs.

"Take it back!" He shouted playfully, and AJ giggled, batting at his hands as they shook their head. 

"Never!" They choked out, trying to wriggle away. Ezra twisted and pushed them down onto the bed in one movement, straddling their hips and pinning them down as he kept tickling them, feeling their body twist and writhe under his as they tried to get away. 

"Say it!" 

AJ squealed again and giggled, gasping for breath, and Ezra leaned down to attack their neck, but didn't make it that far. He froze as soon as he realised how close he was to them, their beautiful fiery hair spread out on the mattress, their soft golden eyes full of contentment and even a touch of curiosity as they gazed up at him. His heart hammered at his chest as if it was trying to escape, his hands still on AJ's neck and sliding up, cupping their perfect jaw. 

"May I kiss you?" Ezra asked very softly, his voice barely above a whisper and trembling with nerves. AJ simply smiled the most beautiful smile Ezra had ever seen. 

"Please." 

His lips trembling ever so slightly, Ezra closed the gap at long last, his thumbs caressing AJ's cheeks as their lips connected. Ezra's eyes slipped closed immediately and he kept his breathing slow and even despite himself, his touches as tender as possible. He felt AJ's hand in his hair, their fingers curling, pulling him deeper, and obliged, his lips moving a little faster, their jaw moving slightly under his hands. And then he was breaking away and just staring at the beautiful person below him, his whole being overflowing with emotion. 

"I...that was...perfect," he mumbled at last, and AJ's blissful, peaceful expression melted into a bright smile, their soft cheeks flushing. 

"It was," they agreed softly, and took a deep breath, as if bracing themself for something, but Ezra was already slipping off their hips, moving to lay behind them. 

"Come here," he murmured, guiding AJ to cuddle up with their back against his chest, his arm tight around their waist. But AJ had other ideas, rolling over to face Ezra and reaching out to rest their hand on his cheek. 

"Can I tell you something?" AJ asked softly, and Ezra nodded, pulling a blanket over the both of them and carefully slipping his arm around AJ once more. 

"Of course, magpie." 

"That was my first kiss outside of work," they admitted, and Ezra blinked, completely shocked. 

"Wait...really?" 

"Yep," AJ murmured, managing a wry, slightly sad smile. "How pathetic is that?" 

"Not at all," Ezra soothed, shifting closer to them, their legs brushing together under the blanket. "Lots of people are too busy for that kind of stuff," he pointed out gently, and AJ just shrugged, then slowly began to lean in. 

Ezra smiled to himself, his chest tightening almost painfully, the joy exquisite as he followed their lead and kissed them again, slow and careful and full of emotion. 

As soon as he broke away, AJ buried their face in his chest, shifting down the bed slightly to hide their blush, and Ezra just chuckled softly, sliding his hand into their hair and combing his fingers through the stunning silky waves. 

"God, I've wanted to do this since the first time I saw you," he grinned after a minute or two of silence, stroking their hair before running his fingers through it again. "It's so perfect." 

"Thank you," AJ murmured sincerely, their voice a little muffled by Ezra's chest as he leaned down slightly, resting his cheek against the top of their head and taking in the sweet scent of coconut shampoo. He closed his eyes and silence fell for a moment, comfortable and relaxed. AJ seemed content to just lay there in his arms, and Ezra wasn't going to push for anything more yet. However much he might want to try, he knew they needed plenty of time together before doing anything more than cuddling. He had a feeling it was likely to get a bit complicated, and he wanted to have a much stronger relationship before trying anything new. 

AJ shifted closer to him after a while, pressing their whole body to his, and Ezra hugged them tighter, his hand stroking slow circles between their shoulders. 

"You okay?" He asked gently, and AJ nodded, letting out a soft, slow sigh. 

"I didn't sleep well last night," they mumbled, and Ezra hummed softly, leaning over them to turn his laptop off. Without the tv show playing in the background, the room suddenly felt very quiet. 

"You can take a nap if you like," he offered quietly, and AJ nodded slightly, fingers twisting in Ezra's t-shirt. 

"I need to leave by four for some appointments," they mumbled, and Ezra just hugged them tighter. 

"No worries, magpie. I won't let you sleep too long," he soothed, and AJ pulled themself even closer into his chest, letting out a soft sigh as they began to relax. 

Apparently, they were absolutely exhausted, as they fell asleep within minutes, leaving Ezra feeling a bit confused. It had all happened quite quickly after such a long buildup, and he still couldn't quite believe that he'd actually kissed AJ. He looked down at their sleeping form and smiled to himself, carefully reaching over them to get his phone from the bedside table. Then he settled back onto his side, cuddling them close to him as he opened his texts. 

An idea struck and Ezra smiled to himself, pressing the camera button on his conversation with Anathema. Once it loaded, he swapped it to the front camera and held the phone out a bit, smiling at the screen. He was careful not to get any of AJ's face in the shot in case they didn't like pictures - after all, their hair was distinctive enough anyway - and, after cropping the picture carefully, he hit send. 

As soon as it sent, he opened up one of the academic articles he'd been reading for his dissertation and found that studying with AJ curled up against his chest, their breathing deep and rhythmic, was much, much easier. It was just so soothing and relaxing, having them so close, so content, and he smiled to himself as he read, one hand on their back. 

After about ten minutes, he got a reply from Anathema and opened it quickly, grinning as he read. 

_Anathema, 14:58_

_Please tell me you both have clothes on…_

Snorting softly, Ezra carefully tapped out a reply with one hand, freezing briefly when AJ stirred in their sleep and pressed closer to him before going still again. 

_Ezra, 14:59_

_Don't worry, nothing like that :) just a couple of kisses and a very tired out nap x_

Anathema's response came almost immediately, making Ezra smile even wider. 

_Anathema, 15:01_

_Good, I'm really happy for you both! I better get to meet them soon! And I'm out until seven this evening, just so you know x_

He replied quickly and then dropped his phone to the bed, cuddling AJ closer and simply burying his face in their hair. 

_Ezra, 15:02_

_Thank you! And soon, I promise. Have a fun evening! x_

Luckily, AJ woke at around three thirty, as Ezra knew he would have had a lot of trouble finding the heart to wake them up himself. They just looked so peaceful and happy until they stirred, letting out a soft breath. Their eyes fluttered open and Ezra smiled to himself, about to say something when they suddenly scrambled away from him, panic flooding their expression. 

"N-no! I'm awake!" They blurted out, then stared at Ezra frantically for a second or two before recognition flowed back. "Oh...I..I'm s-" 

Ezra interrupted hurriedly, catching them before they could apologise. "It's okay. Bad dream?" He asked softly, giving them an easy out, a way to explain away their reaction without having to be truthful just yet. He didn't want to push too hard, after all. 

"Y-yeah...bad dream," AJ mumbled slowly, and Ezra patted the bed in front of him lightly. 

"Would another cuddle make it better?" He asked gently, and AJ nodded, immediately laying down with him once more, this time a little further away. Ezra didn't try to pull them closer, instead just stroking his knuckles over their cheek again and again, the soft touch slowly allowing AJ to relax. 

"Can I kiss you?" Ezra murmured after a few long moments, and golden eyes popped open in surprise, then narrowed slightly. 

"Not right now," AJ mumbled, and Ezra nodded, going back to stroking their cheek as they smiled softly, processing this. 

Then they pounced, pulling Ezra into a deep, rushed kiss, their fingers tangling in his hair, hips rolling against his. Panicking just slightly, Ezra managed to grab their hips with one hand, the other spreading on their cheek and guiding them to be slower and more patient. 

AJ went stiff and suddenly jerked away, but part of Ezra had been expecting this, and he let go easily. 

"Shhh, you didn't do anything wrong, sweetheart. I just don't want to rush into anything yet, that's all," he soothed, noticing the way their eyes were downcast, a deep blush on their cheeks. They gave a shrug in answer and Ezra tilted their chin up carefully, then leaned in very slowly and kissed them again, soft and brief and full of love. 

"It's all okay, magpie," he murmured, and AJ forced a small smile, letting out a slow breath. 

"I'm not used to...all this relationship stuff," they sighed, and Ezra nodded slightly. 

"That's perfectly fine. We'll figure it out together, it's okay. But we should take our time." 

AJ's eyes met Ezra's again, and he felt relieved to see them smiling properly, their hand running down his arm to lace their fingers together tightly. 

"I agree. I need to learn to take things slow," they smiled, then squeezed his hand. "Can I have another kiss?" 

"Always," Ezra chuckled, and leaned forward again, his fingers tangling in soft hair, his body warmed by AJ's closeness. 

After a few more long, slow kisses and plenty of tight, needy hugs, AJ had to leave. Ezra let go of them reluctantly, wishing he could spend the whole night holding AJ in his arms, soaking up their presence and the heat of their skin. But he knew he had to be flexible and got up with them, holding their elbow to steady them as they put their shoes on, and walking them down the hall to the main doors. AJ hesitated in the doorway, looking out into the gloomy afternoon, then turned hurriedly. Ezra caught them easily and kissed them eagerly, his arms around their waist, their hands desperate on his cheeks. 

And then AJ was pulling away, lingering briefly before stepping back abruptly. 

"Tomorrow?" 

"Tomorrow," Ezra confirmed quietly, and they smiled, blowing him an adorable kiss before waving and hurrying off down the pavement. Ezra leaned against the doorframe for a bit, completely entranced and full of happy, soppy love, then finally shook himself and headed back inside to actually get some work done.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally!  
> I hope you guys enjoyed reading this as much as I liked writing it! I feel like this is the first big milestone in this story, and I'm so excited to have reached it!  
> Let me know what you all thought, I'm so excited to read your comments!  
> <3<3<3  
> Also just a quick reminder! I participated in the Do It With Style mini bang and I had two wonderful, talented artists to work with! It was such a great experience and I'm posting the result tomorrow. It's called Something Better Than Cake, and I would love it if you guys would consider checking it out! Thank you so much!


	19. Chapter Nineteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter includes: panic attacks (aftermath of sexual trauma), negative self-talk, discussion of past car accident.   
> If you need more info, let me know!

AJ bit their lip as they pressed the buzzer, glancing up at the threatening clouds. They hadn't brought a coat with them, as the forecast hadn't predicted rain, but it was starting to get rather dark and ominous. 

The door clicked and AJ stepped forward hurriedly, pushing the door open and slipping into the hallway. They winced as they walked, their backside a little sore from a rough client earlier that day, but they pushed the pain out of their mind as soon as they saw Ezra standing in the doorway to his apartment, smiling at them. 

"Hey," he said softly, and AJ hurried forward, a bolt of joy bursting in their stomach as they flung their arms around his neck. Ezra chuckled and hugged them tightly, kissing the side of their head before gently starting to pull them inside. 

"Come on, I'm in the middle of dinner, I don't want it to-" 

But AJ was already kissing him, their fingers spreading on his cheeks, dragging him deeper. They desperately needed his affection after a long day of appointments, and he gave it readily, breaking away to kiss their cheek before tugging them into the flat. AJ giggled and stumbled for effect, then hummed happily as Ezra caught their waist, his arm fitting around them tightly. 

AJ heard footsteps behind them and broke away from Ezra hurriedly, eyes wide as they looked at Anathema. They knew it was her from Ezra's descriptions and stories, and they couldn't help but be a little nervous. After all, she was Ezra's closest friend, and if they didn't make a good impression, it could affect their relationship with Ezra. 

Luckily for AJ, Anathema seemed genuinely excited to meet them, and stepped forward, offering her hand politely. 

"You must be AJ," she smiled, brown eyes full of kindness as AJ took her hand delicately, trying not to shake. "You're even more gorgeous than Ezra described." 

AJ blushed immediately and smiled at her, shaking her hand and feeling rather grateful for the way that Ezra's arm wrapped around their waist, holding them, grounding them. 

"Thank you, you too," AJ mumbled with a shaky smile, and Anathema glanced at Ezra before looking at AJ again. She moved forward once more, then gently took AJ's hand, towing them down the hall and into the kitchen. 

Shocked, AJ followed nervously and sat down in the chair they were offered. Ezra walked past them with a reassuring smile to stir something on the stove, and Anathema sat down across from AJ, her friendly smile still on her face. 

"How are you? Ezra mentioned that you'd been stressed lately," she began softly, and AJ blushed, biting their lip and tucking their hair back behind their ears. 

"Good, yeah, just um...money stuff, you know how it is," they smiled, but could see the way her eyes lingered on the thick, still quite fresh knife scar on their arm. They didn't bother trying to hide it, but felt their cheeks burn a little hotter, shame adding to the awkward embarrassment. 

"I understand," Anathema said, resting her elbow on the table and her cheek against her hand, her gaze intense, but still seeming kind. "So what kind of stuff are you into besides your work and sewing?" 

"Lots of um...tv and movies and stuff," AJ answered, glancing at Ezra, who didn't seem to notice. "I um...I like drawing sometimes too, but I don't get much spare time. A-and um...lately, I've been spending most of my spare time with Ezra," they admitted, and Anathema chuckled softly. 

"I can tell, he's been constantly out of the house to see you," she grinned. "I'm just glad I finally get to meet you after so long!" 

AJ smiled and nodded, starting to relax a bit more at last. "Yeah, you too. He's always talking about you," they answered, glancing at Ezra again. This time, he noticed and flashed them a bright smile, getting two plates out of the cupboard as AJ looked back at Anathema.

"How are you feeling? About...things," Anathema asked, and Ezra dropped a spoon, making AJ jump and swearing softly. 

"Anathema, that's-" he began hurriedly, but AJ just shrugged, biting their lip. 

"About Ezra, you mean?"

"Yeah," Anathema nodded, completely ignoring Ezra's protests as he tried to cut in again. 

"Good. I like him a lot," AJ said simply, glancing at Ezra and flashing him a smile to show that they didn't mind the question. "It's um...new to me, relationship stuff, I mean. But we're going to figure it out together," they went on, still looking at Ezra, who visibly relaxed, smiling back at them before finishing what he was doing and carrying the two plates over to the table. He set one down in front of AJ, the other next to them, then grabbed two sets of cutlery from the drawer before walking back over and sitting down. 

Anathema smiled at both of them and got up, stretching. "Mm, I'll leave you two in peace while you eat, let me know if you need anything."

"Thanks," Ezra said quietly, watching her go before leaning over and pressing a soft kiss to AJ's cheek. "Sorry about that," he murmured, and AJ just smiled to themself, savouring the lingering feeling of those gentle lips on their skin. 

"This smells really good," they announced quietly, looking down at the huge plate of pasta in front of them. 

"Good. You uh...don't have to eat it all, by the way," Ezra said quickly, flashing them a slightly nervous smile. "I know you don't always eat so much." 

"Thank you," AJ smiled, picking up their fork and starting to eat. Unfortunately for them, it was absolutely delicious, and they couldn't help themself from eating a good portion of the amount on their plate. Once they realised how much they'd eaten, they quickly put their fork down, almost dropping it in their haste. 

Ezra's hand ran over their thigh under the table, and they looked up sharply to see sympathetic blue eyes gazing back at them. 

"You okay?" 

"Yean, just full," they mumbled unconvincingly, and saw the look of worry pass over Ezra's face before he nodded slightly. He'd already finished his food, so he picked up both plates and put them down by the sink, then walked back to AJ and offered them his hand. 

"Movie time?" He suggested softly, and AJ nodded quickly, taking his hand and getting up. They followed him down the hall to his room, turning as soon as the door shut behind them and grabbing at his jaw. Ezra chuckled softly and backed them up against the wall, his eyes soft, his body against theirs. 

AJ's eyes widened, expecting Ezra's hands on them, expecting roughness, but instead he reached up and caressed their cheek gently, smiling at them before going in for a kiss. Relaxing once again, AJ leaned into the contact, their hand running up to the back of his head and tangling in his fluffy curls. Ezra let out a soft little sound of pleasure and pulled away, tugging AJ into his arms. 

AJ closed their eyes immediately, melting into the embrace, cherishing Ezra's warmth. He was just so soft to hug, the perfect mix of comfortable padding and strong arms to make them feel so safe. They buried their face in his neck and clung to him, joy welling up in their chest at the realisation that they could have this whenever they wanted. He was theirs to hug now, to seek comfort from when they needed it, and they couldn't help but be excited.

"Can we cuddle for a bit?" AJ asked softly, their voice muffled by Ezra's skin, but still hopeful and a little needy. 

"Of course, magpie," Ezra purred, gently breaking away from the hug and climbing onto the bed instead. AJ smiled at him, hesitating for a second, taking in the picture in front of them, Ezra so comfortable in his own bed, waiting patiently for them to join him, to cuddle up with him and be his. 

They kicked their shoes off, dove in, and giggled softly as they pressed themself to him, his deep chuckle mixing with their laugh as he pulled a blanket over the both of them. AJ wriggled around a bit to find the most comfortable position, soon settling with their face buried in Ezra's chest, the weight of his arm on their side making them smile as they curled up. Ezra let out a slow breath and curled up around them, starting to stroke their hair in a slow, gentle rhythm that made them relax even more, basking in the way Ezra touched them. They were used to being touched, yes, but never in such casual, caring ways. 

"Ezra?" 

Ezra grunted in answer and AJ shifted, sliding their arm around him. 

"This is nice, isn't it?" 

"It's fucking amazing is what it is," Ezra chuckled, and AJ grinned to themself just as Ezra's hand ran down their back and dipped a little too low, causing a slight shiver of pain to radiate through their body from their sore backside. They swallowed hard, but memories of the clients they'd had earlier that day were already bobbing to the surface. They could feel other hands on them, grabbing, rough, and they jerked away from Ezra, his soft touches becoming muddled, confused, everything all too much at once. 

"Hey, hey, it's okay," Ezra soothed, trying to gently guide AJ back into his arms, but AJ was already too panicked, their chest heaving as they fought against Ezra, tearing away from him and sitting up. They buried their face in their hands and tried to focus on breathing, panic constricting their lungs and making their chest feel as if a hundred kilos had been dropped onto it all at once. 

"It's alright, sweetheart," Ezra murmured, moving closer to them, his hand on their back again. AJ cried out and jerked away sharply, their breath failing completely as the first sob ripped through them. Ezra withdrew immediately and AJ pulled their knees up into their chest, trembling all over as the tears suddenly streamed down their cheeks. 

It was all too much, the affection, the memories. They'd never had this before, they'd never had anyone to cuddle or kiss or stroke their hair, not someone they actually enjoyed being around, anyway. And, even though it felt amazing, it was also completely and utterly overwhelming. Especially when Ezra's touches reminded them of clients. 

AJ couldn't bear to get Ezra mixed up with clients in their mind, but after all, they were nothing better than a common whore, so did they really deserve anything more than just a client? 

The sobs became heavier, AJ's shoulders shaking, their whole body wracked with each cry. They could feel Ezra moving around behind them, but couldn't really process the information consciously, too overcome by the voice in their head swearing at them, telling them they were just a stupid slut, that they'd never be anything else. 

"I'm just going to sit here with you, okay?" Came Ezra's soft voice as the edge of the bed sank next to AJ, a good few inches away. "I'm right here. Whenever you feel ready." 

AJ choked on another sob, but Ezra's gentle words were starting to break through the panic as AJ began to calm down. The touching had stopped, and they could regain control of themself, of their mind, pushing the bad thoughts away and focusing on the good. 

Ezra had triggered their panic attack, yes, but he hadn't panicked. Even if he'd made it worse, it was simply because he was trying to help in the only way he knew. And now he was being patient and kind and just waiting for them, letting them know he wasn't abandoning them. 

AJ managed to stop sobbing after a while, drying their cheeks and risking a glance to the side. Ezra was still waiting patiently, one hand resting palm up on the bed between them. 

Not looking at him, AJ slowly slid their hand over his, lacing their fingers, and getting a gentle little squeeze in response. 

Ezra didn't say anything, but AJ slowly unfolded their legs, their breathing much easier now as they stared at the floor. 

"I'm sorry," they began quietly, but Ezra squeezed their hand quickly, gently cutting them off before they could continue. 

"There's nothing to be sorry for, sweetheart. Panic attacks happen, it's not your fault." 

AJ flashed him a small, shaky smile, finally looking into those soft blue eyes and seeing only concern and kindness. "I um...I'm not used to...to this," they mumbled shakily, and Ezra nodded, his thumb stroking over their skin slowly. 

"You mean like affection and touching and all that?" 

"Yeah," AJ sniffed, looking down again and taking a deep breath. "And um...I had clients earlier today, a-and they got all mixed up in my head, a-and I.." they trailed off, squeezing their eyes shut as a wave of misery broke over them. "I-I'm sorry, I know I'm just a...a d-dumb whore, I c-can't-" 

"Nope," Ezra said sharply, although his tone was a little broken, weighed down with emotion. "Be kind to yourself, AJ. You're not a...a whore," he mumbled, struggling with the word. "That's not fair to yourself." 

"It's true," AJ muttered, and Ezra sighed, squeezing their hand again. 

"No, it's not. You're a sex worker, yes, but that's not the same thing. Okay? And you're not dumb." 

AJ clenched their jaw, but knew there was no point in arguing about it, so they let it slide for now, not looking at Ezra. 

"You got me mixed up with your memories, then?" He prompted gently, and AJ nodded, curling the fingers of their other hand until their long nails bit into their palm, the sharp pain grounding them. 

"Yeah, a-and I panicked," they said quietly, just as Ezra noticed what they were doing and quickly took their other hand, uncurling their fingers. "I think this is going to be overwhelming for me to start with, I'm...I'm sorry."

"Stop apologising," Ezra chuckled softly, gently bumping their shoulder with his. "It's perfectly okay. We'll work on it together, we have all the time in the world," he assured them confidently, reaching up and hesitating before stroking their cheek, gently turning their head to face him. "Okay? Everything's okay, yeah?" 

AJ managed a small smile and a nod, then leaned in and kissed those perfect lips, breaking away almost as soon as Ezra leaned into it. They looked down hurriedly, blushing, and Ezra simply squeezed their hands. 

"How about this, have you heard of the traffic light system?" He asked softly, and they glanced at him, shaking their head in confusion. 

"Alright. Well, most people use it for like...kinky sex, you know?" Ezra went on, clearing his throat awkwardly. "Green means that you're having a good time, and you'd like to continue whatever is happening, yellow means you're okay but not wanting anything more, and red means stop. I um...maybe we could try that for...just for everything, you know? I'm nowhere near ready for sex yet," he added hurriedly, flashing them a comforting smile. "But then it's a really easy way of telling me how you're feeling with touching. Does...does that sound like a good idea?" 

AJ stared at him for a second, their nose stinging at the thought - Ezra wanted consent. For everything. He'd asked them for their first kiss, he'd asked them constantly about everything, and he wanted the yes. They'd realised it before, when they'd tested it the day before by saying they didn't want to be kissed, but now Ezra was setting it down in stone, a proper precedent for their relationship. 

"Yes, yes please," AJ said hurriedly, realising they'd been staring for too long, trying to blink away the tears. "I'd like that." 

"Would you like a hug?" 

AJ contemplated this for a moment, then shook their head slowly. "I...can I use your bathroom? I...I need a few minutes." 

"Absolutely," Ezra smiled, squeezing their hand lightly. "If you leave my room and turn right, it's there at the end of the hall, okay?" 

"Thank you," AJ murmured, leaning forward and kissing his cheek lightly before getting up. His hands slipped from theirs and they hesitated for just a heartbeat before hurrying away, slipping out of the room. 

AJ found the bathroom without much trouble and shut the door behind them, locking it before sorting themself out and washing their hands. Once that was done, they leaned back against the counter and hugged themself for a while, staring at nothing. 

It felt good to be alone for a bit, now that they were calm. They needed time to breathe, to think. Overall, despite the nagging thoughts in the back of their mind telling them that Ezra was too good for them, the interaction so far had been positive. Even though they'd panicked, Ezra had responded well, and suggested something to make it easier for them. 

AJ took a slow breath and smiled to themself, then unlocked the door and headed back down the hall. They opened Ezra's bedroom door and slipped inside, then froze, eyes wide. 

Ezra was sitting on the edge of the bed in shorts, fiddling with his leg. A prosthetic leg, with a plastic socket and foot, and a length of metal connecting the two. They heard a hiss, and as he lifted it away from his residual limb, he glanced up and then jerked his head towards the desk. 

"Hey, could you grab me the moisturiser next to my laptop, please?" 

Feeling a bit dazed and very curious, AJ picked up the tub and walked over to him, still staring. 

"You...I...I didn't know," they said lamely, and Ezra looked up at them in surprise. 

"Wait, really? I assumed you knew, everyone knows," he said, blinking, and AJ shrugged, smiling weakly. 

"Everyone except me." 

"Does it...does it bother you?" Ezra asked very slowly, nerves dripping from every syllable, and AJ's eyes widened again. 

"Oh! No, no, I'm just...surprised," they answered hurriedly, sitting down beside him and running their hand over his other knee. "I've never met anyone with a prosthetic limb before," they added, watching in interest as Ezra set the leg to rest next to the bedside table. 

"Some people think it's gross," Ezra mumbled, and AJ blinked, glancing at him. 

"Not me," they assured him softly, then watched as he slipped the liners off and reached for the moisturiser, starting to rub it into his skin. "Is that why you were off work?" 

"Yeah, my old prosthesis was rubbing and I got this new one, but I had to spend some time not using it to let the rubs heal," Ezra hummed, reaching over AJ carefully to put the moisturiser on his bedside table. He looked at them at last and they smiled, leaning over to pull him into a brief kiss. 

"Can I ask you about it? I don't want to upset you," they murmured, and Ezra nodded, looking slightly nervous again. 

"Yeah, sure. Could we lay down again first?" 

AJ nodded and let Ezra settle down on his side before laying down with him, a few inches away so they could see his face. He smiled at them and reached out, slowly tucking a lock of their hair back behind their ear. 

"I lost it in a car accident when I was nineteen," Ezra began softly before AJ could find the words to ask. They swallowed, gently taking his hand and holding it in both of theirs, stroking their thumb over his knuckles while he spoke. "I was driving on the motorway and it was cold and raining quite hard, a-and.." Ezra swallowed hard, closing his eyes as AJ squeezed his hands even tighter. "A lorry on the other side lost control and came through the barrier," he mumbled, and AJ shifted closer to him, trying to keep him from disappearing into the memories. "I swerved and the car flipped, and...I passed out. I was in and out for a bit, but the next thing I remember clearly was waking up in hospital and being told they had to amputate my leg," he finished, his voice trembling. AJ pressed closer to him, hugging him slowly and nuzzling at his jaw. 

"Shh, it's okay," they murmured, not really knowing what else to say. "It's okay now." 

Ezra shifted, his deep, slightly raspy breathing sounding loud in the silent room. AJ clung tighter, not used to having to comfort people, and not entirely sure how. 

"That's why I don't like your driving," Ezra chuckled, his voice a bit strained. "Makes me panicky." 

AJ blinked, cold dread filling their throat. They hadn't noticed. They hadn't noticed Ezra having flashbacks and panic attacks in their own fucking car. 

_ You're a terrible person, you can't even take care of him properly, you stupid fucking tr-  _

Ezra nuzzled the side of their head, then gently began to push them away, sighing as they let go reluctantly, diving in for a quick kiss, needing the reassurance that he still liked them. 

He smiled against their lips, but broke away quite quickly, sitting up to pull a blanket over the both of them again, his hand running over AJ's side when he settled back to the bed. 

"Sorry, I just.." Ezra heaved a sigh and flashed them a slightly sad smile. "I don't like talking about it that much, so I'd rather...I'd rather get it over with, if that's okay." 

AJ winced and nodded, reaching out to brush their knuckles down his cheek the way he had for them. "I'm sorry, we don't have to-" 

"No, no, that's not what I meant, don't worry," Ezra smiled, his eyes softening slightly. "I want you to know, but I don't like actually having to talk, does that make sense?" 

"I think so," AJ murmured, still concerned, spreading their fingers on his cheek as they kept trying to comfort him inexpertly. "Does it like...prevent you from doing anything?" 

"Not really," Ezra answered simply, seeming to relax a little more, his smile less strained. "I mostly just get on with things. Baths can be kind of hard, so mostly I just shower. Sometimes I get phantom pains, especially if something triggers my memories of the accident. But mostly I just get on with life," he shrugged, and AJ nodded, running their thumb under his eye, savouring the opportunity to touch him as much as possible. 

"How bad is the pain?" 

"It's not too bad, most of the time. I still go to physical therapy regularly, so if my pain is bad, they'll sometimes do mirror therapy and stuff. Sometimes my prosthesis hurts me, but only when it isn't fitting right, as my leg changes shape over time. That's why I had to get a new one. Most of the pain I get is from compensating for it, which is why my physical therapy often includes massages." 

AJ nodded, filing this away for later. They didn't have any official qualifications, but they often gave out massages as part of their job, and they'd never received a complaint before. "I can't imagine recovering from something like that. You're very brave," AJ murmured, moving closer to him again, wanting to feel his warmth on their skin. 

Ezra chuckled softly and gave a small shrug. "It's not like I had much of a choice," he pointed out, and AJ swallowed hard, jerking their hand away from his cheek. 

"S-sorry! I didn't mean-" they blurted out hurriedly, but Ezra was already kissing them, slow and gentle, a slight smile on his face. And then he was breaking away and pulling them a little closer, his eyes shut, his lips parted slightly. 

A moment later, his eyelids fluttered and those beautiful, rich blue eyes focused on AJ, who smiled slightly nervously. 

"Don't worry, sweetheart. I'm not at all offended, it was just a joke. How about that cuddle?" He suggested softly, and AJ relaxed even more, nodding slightly. 

"Please. Maybe a movie?" They smiled, and Ezra grinned, his hand briefly running over their hip. 

"Sounds perfect, sweetheart. Could you grab my laptop? It's a bit easier for you to get up than me," he chuckled, and AJ managed a soft smile, not really sure whether to laugh along or not. They got up anyway, grabbing the laptop and hurrying back to bed, climbing in immediately and giving the laptop to Ezra. 

"How about a Ghibli? They put some on Netflix recently," he hummed, rolling onto his back and resting the laptop on his stomach. AJ sat up while he scrolled, pulling their hair over one shoulder and carefully starting to plait it. 

"That would be fun. I watched Howl fairly recently, do they have other ones?" 

"Mhm. Spirited Away?" 

"Yeah, I like that one," they smiled, and Ezra set the laptop on the bed, and AJ bit their lip lightly. "Would it be okay to watch the dubbed version? ‘Cause of my reading issues," they added quickly, feeling their cheeks flush as they shifted uncomfortably. 

"Reading issues?" Ezra echoed softly, looking confused as he reached out to rest a hand on their thigh lightly. AJ swallowed and looked away, giving a small shrug. 

"I find reading really difficult, it just...it all blends together on the page, and I can't...I don't know," they sighed, and Ezra nodded, stroking the top of their leg soothingly. 

"Have you ever been diagnosed with anything? Dyslexia or anything like that?" 

AJ blinked, looking down at him and shaking their head slowly. "I...don't know what that is." 

"It's a reading disorder, I don't really know much about it, one of my friends in primary school had it and they had to print all his handouts on blue paper. You should look into it, maybe," Ezra hummed, flashing them a small smile before turning his attention to the laptop again. "Anyway, yes, of course we can watch the dubbed version, sweetheart," he added, clicking a few buttons on the page, then rolling onto his side and patting the mattress in front of him. 

"Do you like spooning?" He asked a little nervously, and AJ didn't waste time answering the question, too busy curling up with their back against his chest, a little lower down so he could see the screen. He hit play and ran a hand down their side slowly, his touch careful and gentle, soothing them through their confusion. They'd never considered the idea that they had a legitimate issue with reading, they'd always been told they were just stupid and lazy and needed to just magically 'get better marks.' But for now, they shoved it all to the back of their mind, focusing on the feeling of Ezra's warmth against their back, his hand on their side. 

"Colour?" Ezra murmured, and AJ smiled to themself, gently taking his hand and pulling so his arm was resting over their side. 

"Green," they answered as he got the message and hugged them tightly, his knees tucking up against the backs of AJ's. 

"Good," Ezra purred, his fingers spreading on their stomach, holding them closer. 

AJ closed their eyes for a moment or two, focusing on the sensation of Ezra's chest rising and falling against their back, his fingertips skimming up and down their stomach. It felt good, although it was bordering on overwhelming them again, the sheer amount of tenderness almost too much. Ezra shifted, squeezing them briefly, and AJ swallowed, suddenly nervous. 

"Yellow," they mumbled, and Ezra nodded, loosening his grip once more. 

"If you need me to back off, just say," he soothed, and AJ smiled, opening their eyes again to focus on the movie. 

"Thank you." 

Over the course of the film, AJ could feel themself getting more and more used to Ezra's touch. They stopped expecting him to demand something from them, stopped tensing every time his hand ran a little lower, and began to truly enjoy having him so close.

When the movie finished, they rolled over immediately and cuddled up to his chest, their head tucked under his chin. Ezra let out a soft, contented sound, and warmth flooded through AJ's chest, intense enough to almost make them feel like crying. They hadn't realised how touch deprived they were until Ezra had first hugged them. It was surprising - after all, they got touched by so many different people every day for their work, but something about the way Ezra touched them was completely different.

His hand ran up their back slowly and found their hair, stroking gently, petting those beautiful long locks. 

"I love your hair," he murmured, and AJ smiled, pressing even closer to him, their arm around his waist tightening. 

"Thank you." 

"You know...you could stay here tonight. If um...if you want," Ezra suggested hesitantly, and AJ swallowed, freezing up slightly. "Not for um...sex or anything, just like...to sleep here," he added hurriedly, his voice a little strained. 

AJ gently began to disentangle themself, moving away from Ezra enough so they could see his face, one hand coming up to cradle his cheek. 

"I'd really like that, but um...I have some stuff I need to do at home, and I can't...I can't stay here, I'm sorry," they sighed, and Ezra nodded quickly. 

"That's perfectly fine, magpie." 

"I don't need to leave quite yet, though," AJ smiled softly, then leaned in and kissed him, just briefly, before pressing themself against him once more, their arm sliding around him, their hand skimming under the hem of his t-shirt to press flat against his warm skin. 

Ezra let out a contented sigh and copied them, his hand brushing a little higher. Instinctively, AJ broke away from the embrace long enough to peel off their shirt, then moved closer to Ezra again before realising what they'd done. 

"Are you sure?" Ezra asked quietly, not touching them yet, his hands very definitely to himself. AJ froze for a moment, then nodded, their arm finding Ezra's plump waist again. 

"Just...nothing like...sexual," they mumbled, and Ezra nodded, slowly wrapping an arm around them and letting out a soft sigh. 

"How the hell did I find myself someone so fucking attractive? Hmm?" He chuckled, and AJ smiled to themself shyly, their fingertips rubbing over his spine, back and forth at the small of his back. "You're absolutely beautiful, magpie. Don't forget it, okay?" 

AJ nodded slightly, nuzzling even closer to Ezra and relaxing into the feeling of his soft, gentle fingers gliding up and down their back, enough to make them sleepy and content. They didn't know how long they just laid there with him, but it didn't seem like long enough. 

After a while, Ezra shifted and checked his watch, hissing between his teeth. 

"It's getting late, you should probably be heading home soon, I don't want you walking home too late," he murmured, and AJ let out a deep sigh, waking from their dreamy half-slumber, the trance-like state of someone truly, blissfully comfortable. 

"Wha's time?" They mumbled, and Ezra propped himself up on one elbow, stifling a yawn. 

"Almost ten." 

"Fuck," AJ mumbled, sitting up quickly and grabbing their shirt, tugging it back on hurriedly.

Ezra heaved a deep, sleepy sigh, and sat up, scooting over to the edge of the bed and grabbing one of his crutches. He stood up quickly and AJ glanced up, blinking when they saw his leg. It wasn't that they'd forgotten, exactly, but they hadn't thought about it for a good few hours, and it was jarring to be reminded so suddenly. Ezra made his way over to his desk to plug his laptop back in and AJ grabbed their shoes from where they'd discarded them earlier and slipped them back on. They got up hurriedly and walked over to Ezra, not even hesitating before pulling him into a tight hug, their chin tucked over his shoulder, his arms wrapped around them tightly. 

"Thank you for tonight," they murmured, and Ezra's hand slid up to briefly cradle the back of their head before he began to pull away carefully. 

"Thank you for coming over. Are you on shift tomorrow?" 

AJ nodded, letting out a soft little sigh. "Please tell me you are too," they pleaded quietly, not entirely joking, and Ezra nodded, gently pulling them into a brief, but incredibly tender kiss. 

"I am, yeah. How about we go and do something fun before work?" 

"I like the sound of that," AJ smiled, kissing him again before starting to drift towards the door. 

Ezra sighed quietly and followed them, leaning on his crutch as if it was the most natural thing in the world for him. AJ opened the door and slipped into the hall, making their way to the front door and hesitating. Ezra was standing a few paces behind them, so they turned and rushed to him, their hands on his cheeks as they kissed him passionately, then broke away, mumbled a goodbye, and slipped out of the front door with their cheeks on fire. 

The walk home didn't take long, and AJ was soon unlocking their door and slipping inside, discarding their shoes before half-running to their room. They could hear Bea and Dagon in the living room again, so they locked their bedroom door behind them and flopped onto their stomach on their bed, burying their face in one of their pillows. 

AJ could have squealed in happiness, but instead, they just grinned, their heart overflowing with warmth and joy. They couldn't believe that they'd spent so long in Ezra's arms, so long being cared for. 

AJ knew they were more experienced sexually than Ezra, based on his behaviour and the things he'd mentioned in passing, but it seemed like they still had a lot to learn from him about true consent - especially after his suggestion to use the traffic light system. Most of their clients didn't bother, and the ones that did often only implemented 'consent' to try to manipulate them into doing something off-menu, usually related to BDSM of some kind. 

Others just completely ignored the idea, AJ thought with a shudder, quickly turning their mind back to Ezra and his smile. They couldn't help feeling warm and happy whenever he smiled at them, feeling seen and cared for. Too often they felt invisible, a sex toy, nothing more than a hole to fuck, but with Ezra, they felt like a whole person again, someone worth listening to and kissing and cuddling with. And the feeling was absolutely divine, as well as completely overwhelming. 

AJ rolled onto their back and stared at the ceiling for a bit, breathing slowly and deeply as they thought about their panic attack. Judging by how intense their feelings were around Ezra, they suspected they would probably end up having quite a few more panic attacks around him. After all, it was hard not to get completely confused and bogged down in it all when they felt as if he was handing them their personhood on a silver platter, along with a hefty portion of genuine, loving affection. They hadn't had that for over a decade. 

AJ got up slowly and got undressed, folding their clothes carefully before wiping their makeup off. Their thoughts wandered as they smoothed moisturiser into their skin, going back to Ezra the way they always did every time no other subject presented itself. Now that they knew about his leg, AJ found it odd that they hadn't realised, as they remembered having noticed him limping several times. And once they'd seen him sitting down on one of the bar stools and holding his leg. They'd assumed at the time that he'd been rubbing it or scratching an itch, but now it was obvious that he'd been adjusting his prosthesis. 

AJ finished their skin routine and slipped into their pajamas, then took their meds and marked the calendar. They'd already sorted their money out earlier, so they flicked the lights off and crawled into bed, checking their phone as they got settled. 

_ Angel, 10:23  _

_ Miss you already, beautiful x sleep well xxx  _

AJ grinned in the dark, curling up a little tighter as delight poured through them, accompanied with a warm affection radiating through their chest.

_ AJ, 10:29  _

_ I miss you too, I'm sure I'd sleep better with you here x but I'll get to see you tomorrow, I can't wait! xxx _

They waited for a bit to see if he'd text back, but after five minutes of nothing, they put their phone aside and rolled over to sleep, easily sinking into their usual dreams of Ezra and his loving touch. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! I hope you liked this one ♡   
> The next chapter is massively long (9.5k+) but also one of my favourites in the whole story - although it does have some heavy warnings on it, so please make sure to read those before the chapter! 
> 
> Also I have some very exciting news! I've created a Discord server for fans of Good Omens whose identities fall under the transgender umbrella (so definitely including NB people!). It's a closed group as the goal is to have a safe space for trans people, but if you are trans and you would like to join, you can message me on Discord and I can add you! ♡♡♡


	20. Chapter Twenty

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ***WARNING***  
> This chapter is very long and very intense, please read the warnings! It includes: sexual content, sexual violence, dissociation, degradation, very intense transphobia (inc. use of slurs), blood, knife violence, injury detail, negative internal monologue and self-talk, general angst. 
> 
> If you have any concerns about any of this, feel free to contact me - check my profile for my social media <3

AJ woke the next morning feeling much better rested than usual. They rolled over sleepily and blinked at the room in general, then let out a soft sigh and fumbled for their phone. The screen lit up, declaring it to be around nine thirty, and popping up with plenty of texts from prospective clients. 

Groaning softly, AJ unlocked their phone and began to scroll through the texts, finally finding one they actually wanted to answer. 

_ Angel, 8:43  _

_ Good morning, beautiful! If you'd like, you can come to mine early this afternoon, I've got a surprise for you! xx  _

AJ couldn't help but smile. Usually, when people texted them saying they had a surprise for them, it was either followed up immediately by a very badly taken picture of genitals, or was followed up with something much more unpleasant and possibly painful. But seeing it flash up on their screen under Ezra's name didn't fill them with dread, instead making them feel warm and light with excitement. 

_ AJ, 9:38  _

_ I'd love that! What time? xx  _

They sighed softly to themself, sitting up in bed and just staring at the blankets for a bit, their thoughts caught up in Ezra, as usual. Currently, they were clinging on to his statement that he wasn't ready for sex, using it like a shield against the insidious thoughts threatening them every time he invited them somewhere or moved in to kiss them. After all, he couldn't just be using them for sex if he was willing to wait. Along with his insistence on consent, AJ knew that single, simple statement was a huge part of what made them so comfortable with Ezra. 

AJ's phone buzzed in their hand, shaking them out of their thoughts, and they unlocked it quickly, stifling a yawn. 

_ Angel, 9:42  _

_ Shall we say 2? Wear something comfortable, we're not doing anything too strenuous, but high heels aren't a good idea xx  _

_ AJ, 9:43  _

_ Sounds great! And duly noted, thank you. I'll see you then! xxx  _

AJ slipped out of bed feeling rather more chipper than usual, humming to themself as they opened their dresser and went searching for a particular outfit they knew would be perfect. Until their phone rang. 

AJ froze, knowing the ringtone and hoping if they left it, if they didn't answer, they wouldn't have to deal with him. They stood stock still, unmoving, unblinking, their heart pounding in their chest until the dreaded ringtone died away. Only to start up again seconds later, causing AJ's face to twist in despair as they turned and snatched their phone up, pressing it to their ear with one shaking hand. 

"Hello?" 

"I don't know why you always say that like you don't know who's calling you," the familiar voice chuckled, in a soft, smooth tone that made AJ nauseous. "Look, Anthony, I'm doing this big presentation for work later, you know how it is. If I do well, I'll be up for a promotion, so I was thinking I'm due some last minute relaxation and de-stress time with my favourite little slut. And since your phone clearly isn't off, I'm assuming you're free, hmm?" He purred nastily, and AJ cursed themself silently for taking their phone off 'do not disturb.'

"I'm not busy, I have an appointment this afternoon, but-" 

"I shouldn't need you for that long, and if you're late, I'll just pay you the difference," he dismissed breezily, and AJ winced, closing their eyes. They couldn't lie or say no, they'd tried that before, and it wasn't a preferable option to just dealing with him now. At least they could get it out of the way and he probably wouldn't contact them for another week. 

"I'll text you the details," he went on, and AJ glanced towards their dresser. 

"Any requests?" 

"Come caged and prepped, and as soon as possible. I don't want to mess around with all that fiddly shit, okay? Other than that, I don't care." 

"Okay. I'll see you soon, sir," AJ answered quietly, hanging up and staring at nothing for a while before slowly starting to get ready. 

* * *

AJ shifted uncomfortably in the elevator. They were stuck with an old woman who kept giving them poisonous looks, and the cage wrapped around them rather too tightly had just chosen that moment to start pinching. He'd picked it out and bought it just for them, and they were sure he'd ordered a size down just for his own sadistic satisfaction. 

The elevator dinged and AJ slipped out gratefully, hearing some muttering from the old woman and choosing to ignore it as they hurried down the halls to the right door. A special series of raps came easily to them, unconscious after so much practice, and the door swung open. 

AJ was faced with a smile - the smile everyone noticed first when they looked at him. Most people thought it was friendly and kind, but AJ had the displeasure of knowing the man much more intimately than most, and the smile made them uncomfortable. Looking at it felt a bit like someone dragging fingernails down a blackboard - it set AJ's teeth on edge. Not to mention those hard eyes above it, the perfectly tailored suit, or the impeccable, shiny shoes. 

They'd loved him once, but that had been a long, long time ago, and far away from the intense loathing they now felt for him. 

AJ took a long, slow breath, reminded themself that their reward for this would be Ezra, and stepped over the threshold. 

Although AJ generally slipped away to somewhere else as soon as he got them on the bed, he was making it difficult. 

He'd definitely set the thermostat down, leaving them to shiver in their position, tied to the cheap hotel bed completely naked, backside exposed to the air. 

AJ closed their eyes and tried to think of something else, but panicked anticipation was already making their breath quicken, their thoughts scrambling. 

The flogger whistled through the air and AJ bit down hard on their tongue so they wouldn't cry out, jolting against their ropes. A chuckle echoed in their ears and they squeezed their eyes tighter, biting down again as the flogger landed on their back for a second time. They tasted blood this time and shuddered, just as a finger pushed into them. 

He grunted in distant approval, then grabbed at them, fingertips digging into the soft flesh of their backside far too roughly, his tip nudging them. AJ didn't move or make a sound, barely breathing, trying desperately to conjure up Ezra's face, his voice, his soft lips on theirs. 

A sharp push, a brief sting of pain, and AJ drifted somewhere else at last. 

They could hear the client above them, muffled, and feel the ghost of his hands as they dug nails into AJ's skin, but it was all almost completely drowned out by Ezra, his gentle voice telling them how beautiful they were, telling them to stop apologising for things, while his hands roamed their skin, plump and gentle and loving. 

AJ relaxed somewhat and let their mind wander, imagining the creaking was a strap on instead of the ropes around their limbs, imagining that Ezra was stroking their hair as it was tugged roughly. They could hear his voice in their ear, laughing softly as he told them how much he'd always wanted to touch it, how stunning he thought it was. 

The movement behind them suddenly stopped and they could hear ragged panting in their ear, far off and unreal. Their numb body was flipped over, the ropes adjusted, the cage removed, but it was still so oddly secondary. Instinctively, AJ spread their legs wider, and a low buzzing added to the background noise for a few seconds before they jolted and cried out, trying to pull themself away from the vibrator being pressed to their tip. But the client was having none of it, keeping a tight grip on their shaft and forcing it against the magic wand. 

All illusions and safety mechanisms in shreds around them, AJ struggled against the ropes biting into their skin, dangerous panic welling up heavy and choking. 

"Ah, ah. Cum for me, little slut. Show me how much you love taking it up the ass for me." 

AJ clenched their jaw shut, refusing to moan, refusing to give him the satisfaction as they shuddered and writhed, the stimulation more painful than pleasurable. But they could feel how hard they were in his hand now, even if they weren't looking, and the simple knowledge that he was forcing it on them made them want to vomit. 

"You'd better try harder if you want me to get that promotion, you little sugar baby faggot, hmm? Dirty, dirty slut. It's a good thing you have me, isn't it? The only one who would want a disgusting freak whore like you, pretending to be a woman, parading around in dresses and lingerie like a fucking sissy boy." 

AJ forced down a sob and clenched their teeth so hard it hurt as their hips jerked and they spilled all over themself, pathetically painting themself with their own cum. 

He didn't wait to let them come down, he didn't bother with niceties, and simply pressed the vibrator back into place, squeezing this time, forcing the waves of stimulation to wash all the way up and down their shaft over and over, making them whimper and shake. They could taste that metallic tang of blood in their mouth again, but ignored it, once again trying to slip into their safe thoughts. 

And then the flat of a knife pressed down, biting cold against AJ's stomach, and they froze, their skin rising and falling quickly under the knife as they panted shortly. 

"Say it." 

"All yours, sir," AJ said very quietly, their wobbly voice already thick with tears, small and broken and terrified. A second passed, and then there was a silken sound, wet heat trickling over their skin. Shortly after, their tears spilled over the client's hand, over his fingers where they were pressed over AJ's mouth roughly, preventing them from screaming as the knife slid again. 

AJ closed their eyes and just lay there, completely resigned, the tears streaming in pain and grief and self-hatred as they wished with every cell in their body that they could be tucked up safe with Ezra instead, held and protected. 

* * *

AJ collapsed, bruising one knee and splitting the other, their arms tight around themself, the sobs already bubbling up and tearing out of their throat as the shower water hammered down against their back. They hunched over, wet hair hanging limp around them, rusty water seeping from between their fingers as they held their sides tightly. 

Their whole body hurt, the pain from their cuts radiating through them, helped along by the agony of shame and humiliation. It seemed almost as if it hurt more than usual - having their personhood built up over the past few days and then systematically burned back down to the ground in the space of a few hours was all too much. 

AJ bent over slowly, their whole body shaking as they knelt there, shuddering with each sob, the tears mixing with the water dripping from their face. Each sob caused a stab of pain in their sides, but they didn't care. They were hurting too much in too many invisible places to care about mere bodily pain. 

AJ could barely manage coherent thought, but there was an intense longing there, more like a need than a desire. They felt empty, a yawning black hole in their chest forcing them to think about soft sheets against their cheek; a certain smell, sweet and a little spicy; a comfortable, yielding body to burrow up against. 

The sobs, already painful, began to rasp even more, and AJ began to feel lightheaded, putting a hand out to try to stop themself from falling sideways. But it was no use. 

AJ came to when the water ran cold, gasping and swearing as they jerked upright, then remembered the cuts on their sides as they sent pain shooting all through their body. They hissed and sobbed, scrambling to their feet and nearly falling again, their vision fuzzing out briefly as they slapped at the shower dial. 

The water shut off with a  _ thunk _ and AJ stood there for a moment, shivering and dripping, rust coloured water still running over their hips and thighs. Then their muffled ringtone cut through the dissociative fog, and they wrapped a towel around themself hurriedly, shuddering as they left the bathroom and half jogged back to their room. Their phone was on the dresser, so they snatched it up, then collapsed back onto their bed to hug themself. 

"Hello?" 

"Oh thank God!" Ezra cried, his voice strained and shaky. AJ closed their eyes, confused and exhausted, still trying to get their brain to come out of hiding and actually help them understand what was going on. "I've been calling and calling, I was worried about you!" He reprimanded, and AJ pressed a hand against their eyes, letting out a soft little sigh. 

"M'fine," they mumbled, and there was a brief silence. 

"You're not, otherwise you wouldn't be almost forty five minutes late," Ezra said bluntly, and AJ's eyes shot open suddenly, panic gripping them. 

"Sh-shit! I-I'm really sorry, Ezra! I was in the shower and I guess I lost track of time, I...I'll be there in like half an hour," they rushed out, and there was another too-long pause. 

"Okay, sweetheart," Ezra sighed, his voice gentle and much calmer. "I'm just glad you're okay, my magpie. Let me know when you leave yours, yeah?" 

"Will do...I...I'm sorry." 

"Don't be, beautiful," Ezra soothed, his voice going from gentle to honey-sweet and just as smooth. "There's no harm done, I promise. No need to be upset." 

"Thank you," AJ mumbled, biting back the 'sir' that threatened to slip and swallowing it, hating themself. 

"You're welcome. I'll see you soon." 

"Yeah, see you," AJ managed before hanging up and glancing around the room for a moment. Then they remembered - they had to start by cleaning and dressing their wounds. They'd bought some new supplies after the last time Ezra had patched them up and did their best to remember what he'd done, then slipped on a very basic hoodie and wriggled into their softest, most comfortable jeans. They'd planned a cute outfit, but instead they pulled their damp hair back into a plait and gave up, heading out of the apartment feeling half-dead. 

By the time they reached Ezra's, it was about the right time, so they buzzed the intercom and leaned against the wall, closing their eyes. Once it buzzed again, they shouldered the door open and headed inside, Ezra's front door flinging open before they could even lift their hand to knock. They managed a shaky smile and Ezra immediately pulled them inside, still seeming worried. 

"Are you sure you're okay?" 

AJ nearly burst into tears, the question bringing everything back up so suddenly, making their nose sting and their throat feel tight. "I'm fine." 

"Hug?" Ezra suggested softly, opening his arms, and AJ stepped forward into his chest immediately, their arms loose around his waist, face buried in his neck at last. AJ savoured the feeling, the warmth of Ezra's skin, the scent of his aftershave, the sound of his breath. And then he hugged them tightly, his arms squeezing, and AJ couldn't bite back the cry of pain in time. 

Ezra froze, then jerked away, grabbing at AJ's hoodie, his hands shaking, but AJ slapped him away hurriedly, their chest heaving, their head suddenly feeling light as they swayed slightly. Ezra stared at them for a second, looking as if he was about to start crying, then took a deep, slow breath, his shoulders dropping as he relaxed. 

"Okay, sweetheart. It's okay," he soothed, reaching up this time and cupping their jaw in his hands. AJ closed their eyes immediately, struggling to breathe evenly through the sobs creeping up on their lungs. "Shh, beautiful. Take deep breaths, that's it," Ezra murmured, stepping closer and running his thumbs over their cheeks. "Will you let me take a look? I won't judge or ask questions, I promise. I just want to see, magpie. Please? I'm here to support you, to care for you. Please just let me."

AJ shivered, then slowly curled their fingers under the hem of their hoodie, ignoring the tears filling their eyes as they lifted the fabric. Ezra hissed between his teeth and leaned down, gently rubbing their hips. 

"Can I look under the pads?" He asked quietly, and AJ looked away from him sharply, clenching their jaw as they nodded. "Okay, beautiful," Ezra murmured, crouching down and leaning forward, his lips pressing against the skin just below their belly button. Then he began to peel one of the pads back and groaned softly, gently sticking it back into place. 

"Did you clean them with antiseptic?" He murmured as he straightened up, and AJ nodded again, dropping their hoodie and just staring at nothing, tears spilling and running down their cheeks. Ezra wiped them away gently and pulled AJ into a much more careful hug, still tight and protective, but avoiding the five new cuts on their sides. 

"I've got you now, okay? I'm here, sweetheart. My little magpie, you're safe here with me," he soothed, his voice shaking, and AJ sniffed as they pressed into him, clinging to him as if they couldn't ever let go. "We don't have to go out, okay? Whatever you want, I promise. We can go out to take your mind off things or we can just cuddle and relax." 

AJ nodded and slowly began to pull away from Ezra, wiping their eyes and tugging their hoodie sleeves down over their hands. "Can we do both?" 

Ezra looked at his watch and nodded, then leaned up and pressed a quick kiss to AJ's cheek. "Yeah, we can go straight to work from here, anyway, that'll give us more time to cuddle after my surprise. Let me just run to the bathroom, I'll be right back, and we can go." 

AJ nodded, watching Ezra hurry off and leaning back against the wall, their arms wrapped around themself tightly. They closed their eyes and focused on breathing slowly and evenly, reminding themself that they were in safe company. Ezra would take care of them, he would take them into his arms and hold them as long as they needed. A moment later, a hand slid over their arm, and they jumped, eyes snapping open to focus on Ezra. 

He smiled sadly and brushed an eyelash off their cheek, his touch feeling even more tender after the nightmare of their morning. 

"Kiss me," AJ begged softly, and Ezra didn't hesitate, his hands sliding over their cheeks, fingertips pressing into their skin ever so lightly as his breath flicked over their face. Anticipation made their own lungs hitch, and then Ezra was kissing them, and they nearly broke down again, grabbing at him desperately, needing him, fingers tangling in his hair and digging into his back. Ezra pulled away slowly, their lips parting with a soft sound. 

"It's alright, magpie. I'm not going anywhere, okay? It's alright," he soothed, then leaned in again, and AJ began to relax, their own touches less desperate as they kissed him slowly, following his lead easily. 

Ezra was the first to break away once more, a smile on his face as he stroked AJ's cheeks soothingly. "Come on, let's go do this surprise, yeah? It'll be good to do something different for a bit." 

The longer they were with him, the more AJ settled into Ezra's company, their fingers laced firmly with his, their head falling onto his shoulder on the bus ride. They liked feeling his casual touches just as much as his hugs and kisses - it made them feel wanted as them, not just as Ezra's partner. 

_ Ezra's partner. _

AJ hadn't really thought about it before, and the realisation sent a little rush through them, a happy little shiver. Ezra glanced at them, squeezing their hand lightly. 

"You okay?" 

AJ turned their head slightly, giving Ezra a subtle kiss on the jaw before letting out a soft sigh. "Mhm. I'm...I'm your partner, right?" They asked softly, and Ezra smiled to himself, squeezing their hand tightly. 

"Yeah." 

"Good." 

Silence fell again, comfortable and relaxed until Ezra began to get up, gently guiding AJ to follow him off the bus. They stuck close to him, letting him lead them away from the stop before turning to them and grinning. 

"How much do you trust me?" 

AJ blinked, taken aback by the question, then shrugged, and Ezra rescued them from their confusion. 

"Let me rephrase. Do you trust me to lead you there with your eyes closed?" 

Laughing, AJ nodded, leaning into his side slightly. "You could have just said that to start with instead of being all creepy about it," they snorted, and Ezra rolled his eyes, wrapping an arm around their waist. 

"Okay, I'll tell you when to open your eyes." 

"Can I change my mind about trusting you?" AJ giggled, and Ezra snorted, gently starting to lead them forward. 

"No, no take-backsies. I promise I won't let you fall over." 

"Wow, high expectations, then?" AJ grinned, their pain already completely forgotten as they focused on the feeling of Ezra's arm around them, his fingertips pressing into their side slightly. Oddly enough, they felt triumphant that they were trusting Ezra, even if it was with something so mundane. They were allowing him to lead them, to guide them, and trusting him to catch them if they fell. 

"Absolutely," Ezra hummed, then gently pulled them to slow down. "There's a curb here, so step down."

AJ did as they were told, following Ezra blindly and managing to step back up onto the pavement the other side.

"Nearly there, I promise," Ezra murmured, then chuckled softly. "We're getting some weird looks." 

"Glad I can't see it. This surprise had better be worth it," AJ joked, and Ezra seemed to think about this for a moment. 

"Well...you might hate it, but if you do, I have a backup," he laughed, and AJ snorted, just as he stopped and squeezed their waist. "You can open your eyes now, sweetheart." 

AJ leaned into Ezra a little more heavily, completely clueless about what to expect as they opened their eyes. Even without any clue of what the surprise was going to be, they hadn't expected...mini golf. 

AJ laughed and Ezra grinned nervously, tilting his head slightly as he let go of their waist. "Is that a good laugh? I can't tell." 

They shifted their weight and gave a small shrug, sudden nerves rising in their chest. The last time they'd played mini golf was when they were thirteen, and all they could remember about it was that it had been a trip out for their sister's birthday and their mum had left halfway through because of some business thing, leaving them to play just the two of them and their nanny. AJ swallowed uncertainly, then smiled and nodded. 

"I just haven't done it in about uh...eleven years?" 

Ezra shrugged and gently bumped his hip against theirs before his fingers wrapped around their wrist, pulling them forward. "So? It'll be fun! Come on." 

AJ giggled, but followed obligingly, all the bad memories melting away in the face of Ezra's happy, excited smile. 

"What colour do you want?" Ezra asked, and AJ blushed, shrugging. 

"I don't know, what colours are there?" They glanced around and saw a group of teenagers watching them with rather hostile gazes. Without thinking, they moved closer to Ezra, bumping into him as he stepped back slightly. He chuckled and simply pressed a red golf ball into AJ's hand, causing them to stare at it in vague confusion. Then their brain kicked back into gear and they looked up, their mouth falling open to protest. 

"Yes, I paid, you can pay me back later," Ezra soothed, handing them a club and flashing them a bright smile before gently pushing them towards the entrance. "Go on!" 

AJ sighed and shot him a jokingly dirty look, then began to walk over the plasticky bridge. They looked down into the water below it and smiled to themself. Typical English tackiness - it was a tiny concrete dish, painted a jolly turquoise and filled with algae-infested water. A few metres away, there was a pathetic little fountain. 

"This place is for two year olds," AJ chuckled, and felt Ezra's hands on their hips as he drove them forward again, his chin briefly digging into the back of their shoulder. 

"So? That's what makes it fun!" 

The first hole was basically a flat piece of astroturf so worn that it looked like a pool table. It was vaguely oblong, and AJ rolled their eyes. 

"Par one, this one?" 

"No, three," Ezra answered in a fake hurt voice. "If you get it in one, I'll buy you a gumball." 

"I'm not five," AJ fake-snapped, flashing him a grin to show they didn't mean it. 

"Well, then, I'll buy you something you actually want," Ezra snorted, and AJ raised an eyebrow. 

"I could do with a new TV." 

"Get on with it!" Ezra giggled, and AJ obliged, nearly hitting the damn ball into the water. 

"I don't think you're getting a new TV," Ezra announced, and AJ moved closer to him, surreptitiously slipping their hand under his shirt and pinching him, not hard enough to really hurt. 

"Hey!" Ezra squealed, slapping their hand and dissolving into happy, heart-warming laughter as AJ simply shrugged.

"You bring me here, you're going to have to deal with me acting like a five year old. Take your own shot, then." 

"Someone's sulking already," Ezra teased in a sing song voice, and AJ glared at him. 

"Watch it, I've got fake nails on. The sharp kind." 

"Ooh, I'm  _ so  _ scared," Ezra laughed, but dropped his light blue ball onto the turf and lined his club up carefully. Then he wriggled, his backside sticking out slightly, and AJ had to look away, their cheeks flushing. They'd never felt the desire before, with anyone, but they suddenly wanted very badly to give him a nice firm slap. They had a feeling he wouldn't mind, but it was rather too public, especially with a lot of small children around, so they just stared at the ground until they heard the sound of a ball in a plastic pipe. In one shot. 

AJ jerked their head up and Ezra smiled at them smugly. AJ blinked, then bit their lip to try to stop themself from smiling before they could get in a sharp quip. 

"You come here often, hmm? To practice? Did you come here for little Alex's birthday party?" They sneered, and Ezra shook his head. 

"Just pure talent. You're jealous and now you have to buy me a TV." 

"That  _ definitely _ wasn't the deal." 

About an hour later, they’d made it around the little nine-hole course despite endless bickering and teasing, and were now sitting on a park bench across the road, in a little green strip. Ezra, despite the fact that it was cloudy and around ten degrees, was eating an ice cream. He’d offered over and over to buy AJ one, but they’d politely refused and were now watching him contentedly, sitting back with their hands in their hoodie pocket. Ezra glanced at them and then blushed, licking a little bit of melted white off his bottom lip. 

“What?” He asked in a soft voice, and AJ smiled, moving closer to him until their shoulders brushed together. 

“Nothing. I just like seeing you enjoying yourself,” they answered simply, and Ezra gave a quiet sigh, just as AJ slipped one hand out of their pocket and tentatively skimmed their fingertips up his thigh. He twitched away slightly and they winced, withdrawing and instead reaching over to wrap their arm around his shoulders. Ezra gently brushed it away and AJ quickly moved a few inches away from him, shoving their hands back into their pocket and looking down, glaring at the grass at their feet. Ezra got up hurriedly and threw the rest of his ice cream in a nearby bin, then walked over and sat down next to them again, their shoulders brushing once more. AJ swallowed. 

_ The only one who would want a disgusting freak whore like you…  _

Ezra’s fingers curled around their chin, gently turning their head. They dragged their gaze up uncertainly, biting their lip as he smiled, his thumb stroking over their skin. Then he leaned in slowly and AJ’s heart jumped into their throat, the kiss soft and sweet and tasting of vanilla. 

As soon as he broke away, AJ was pressing themself into his chest, his arms around them, enveloping them in warmth as they buried their face in his neck desperately. 

AJ tried to think of all the words Ezra called them, repeating them over and over in their head as he let out a slow sigh, his head falling against theirs. 

_ Beautiful, sweetheart, stunning-  _

“Shall we head home, magpie?”

AJ nodded gratefully, suddenly tired in every way possible. Their sides still ached, they felt sleepy, and completely, utterly, mentally exhausted - after the awful morning and their confusion over Ezra brushing them away, they needed to just lie still for a while and relax. 

AJ spent the bus ride home pressed into Ezra's side, their head resting on his shoulder as always, his fingertips stroking up and down the inside of their forearm. As they got off the bus, AJ stumbled, and despite his earlier distance, Ezra caught them gently, making sure they were okay before letting go of them. 

AJ spent the rest of the walk trying to take his hand, but Ezra kept it in his pocket, apparently not noticing the way they kept brushing their fingers against his arm longingly. By the time they reached Ezra's building, AJ was getting frustrated again, but they kept their hands to themself, following Ezra inside. They took their shoes off and headed straight for his bedroom, hearing his footsteps behind them as they walked through his doorway and fell onto his bed facedown. 

Ezra chuckled softly and AJ heard the door click before he walked over to them, sitting on the edge of the bed and reaching over to pick up the thick plait on their back. 

"May I?" 

AJ hummed in answer, and Ezra took the band off carefully, using his fingers to comb through their thick, silky hair until it was spilling all over their back, a little wild from being plaited while damp. 

"Just like a goddess," Ezra mumbled, as if talking to himself, and AJ managed to smile, just as he gently pulled at their hip. "Can I take a proper look at your cuts, please?" He asked quietly, and AJ sighed, but knew it was probably for the best. Their sides throbbed and ached as if they were on fire, and they trusted Ezra much, much more than they trusted themself to make sure they didn't get an infection. 

They rolled over and tugged their hoodie off without sitting up, tossing it over the edge of the bed and gazing up at Ezra tiredly. He smiled a sad, but comforting smile, and leaned down, one hand on the centre of their chest as he pressed the softest of kisses to their forehead. 

"I'll go get my first aid stuff," he murmured, and AJ just closed their eyes, flopping one arm over their head so their forearm blocked out every last shred of light shining through their eyelids. Their other hand came to rest over one of their nipples, feeling just a little more modest. Not that it was anything Ezra hadn't seen before. 

The floorboards created a moment later, and then the bed sank, the almost silent sounds of Ezra's breathing just barely audible under the symphony of rustling. 

"Gloves," AJ muttered sleepily, and Ezra rested a gloved hand on their ribs - exhibit A to prove he'd remembered. AJ grunted approval and Ezra hummed to himself, leaning down to slowly start to peel the pads away.

Luckily, AJ kept themself pristine and perfectly waxed, so there weren't any hairs for the medical tape to catch on, and the pads came free easily. 

"This might sting a bit, sweetheart," Ezra said quietly, and a bottle sloshed before pain exploded in their side and they jerked, hissing. "Sorry, I'm sorry. I only have rubbing alcohol, I don't have any non-sting stuff." 

"Fuck," AJ answered flatly, and Ezra sighed, sitting back slightly. 

"Is there anything I can do to distract you?" 

"I just want it over with," AJ groaned, not sure how the cleaning of the cuts could hurt so much more than the original knife had, but definitely wanting to give Ezra a good hard kick. 

"Alright." 

AJ whined this time, body tense, but Ezra didn't hesitate, already moving to the next cut and setting the whole of AJ's body on fire slowly and methodically. Then he sat back again, sighing quietly as AJ just lay there, teeth gritted. 

"Are you ever going to tell me anything about where you get these?" Ezra asked after a moment, his tone quiet and doing a decent, but not entirely effective job of hiding the tremble in his voice. "There's no pressure, I just...I don't know.." he trailed off and AJ shook their head, still not moving their arm. It was comfortable, and felt almost like a barrier against the world, armour to protect them from all the bad memories and thoughts that seemed to throng around them constantly, especially after a day in which they had to service that one particular client. 

"No," they said bluntly. "I don't like talking about it." 

"You seem to have them all the time, I just-" 

"You said no questions," AJ pointed out sharply, and Ezra went silent, then sighed and began to smooth cream over the cuts, before taping fresh pads down and wrapping AJ's abdomen in a protective layer of gauze to stop the pads from rubbing off. 

Then he began to clean up and AJ rolled onto their side, facing the wall and curling up. Ezra moved around the room for a little while longer before sitting down again, the distinctive little hiss of his prosthesis valve seeming loud in the quiet room. 

A few moments later, AJ felt him laying down behind them, his hand going to their upper arm. 

"I didn't mean to upset you, I'm sorry," he murmured, then took a slow breath. "I worry about you a lot. I...I don't want to overwhelm you by saying it too often, but I do love you. But that's not an excuse for breaking my promise not to ask, and I'm very sorry," he added, speaking slowly as if he was thinking as he talked. "I promised you comfort and cuddles as well, and I'd like to deliver on that, if you're willing." 

AJ sighed and curled up a bit tighter, their whole chest aching. They wanted to be wrapped up in Ezra, they wanted so desperately to be held and cuddled and kissed and stroked. But they didn't feel right. 

"I need a few minutes," they mumbled, and Ezra's hand withdrew from their arm. 

"Do you want me to leave the room?" He offered softly, and AJ shook their head. 

"I just need time without having to talk or be touched." 

"Alright, sweetheart," Ezra murmured, tugging a blanket over them before they felt him roll away from them. A moment later, soft music began to play from Ezra's speaker, and AJ relaxed a little more, closing their eyes as they nuzzled against the pillow, the scent of Ezra pouring into their consciousness like sweet, warm cocoa. 

As AJ lay there in silence, they tried to think, tried to sort through the emotions of the day, but it was already getting to be far too much. The stinging in their stomach and sides didn't help much, that was for certain. 

The day had started out so badly, then found a peak with their bickering at mini golf, the happy, caring banter. And then it had started to go downhill again with Ezra refusing to be touched in public, and now, at long last, they were where they'd been daydreaming about being all day, and yet, they couldn't bring themself to simply roll over and press themself into their partner's arms. Their muscles didn't seem to work, no matter how hard they tried. 

"Can you help me roll over?" AJ asked suddenly, forcing the words out as soon as they occurred to them, before the sentence could slip away and be lost forever. 

"Um...sure," Ezra murmured, sounding confused as he let his hand come to rest on their hip, pulling gently until they managed to take the lead, rolling onto their back. They were about to turn to face Ezra when he appeared beside them, smiling softly, his expression tranquil and calming, although concern still lurked in his gaze. He lay beside AJ, one hand on their chest as he watched them, his thumb running back and forth over their skin. 

"Can I say something else about the cuts? I promise it's not a question," Ezra pressed quietly, as if he'd been thinking up the phrasing for the past five minutes. 

"Just the one thing," AJ agreed firmly, and Ezra kissed their temple so naturally it was almost absent-minded. 

"I don't think you should dance tonight." 

AJ went cold even as his arm wrapped around them slowly, careful not to put pressure on their wounds. Then they laughed softly, bitterly. 

"Honey, if I called in sick to work every time I was a little hurt, I wouldn't have any money. I'll be fine, I'll take some painkillers and get on with it." 

Ezra sighed, his rush of breath betraying his exasperation. "You're more than a little hurt, magpie," he pointed out sharply, and AJ looked away from him immediately, a feeling akin to betrayal stabbing through their chest. "But I'll drop it," Ezra added hurriedly, his hand running up their smooth, warm skin. "I won't bring it up anymore, at all. Cuddle?" 

AJ let out a slow breath, but found that they couldn't stay angry or upset - they still weren't sure how they were feeling at this point - in the face of an offer for one of Ezra's expert hugs. 

Smiling to themself, AJ rolled over and wasn't disappointed, burying themself in his chest and nuzzling against the fabric of his shirt eagerly as he hugged them tightly. A blanket was pulled over them again, Ezra apparently always needing to be covered, and they gave a little shiver of happy warmth, their legs tangling with his. 

A light knocking at the door made AJ jump, and they pulled the blanket over their head quickly, making Ezra laugh softly. 

"Come in," he called quietly, and AJ tried to press impossibly closer, letting out a quiet sigh as the door clicked. 

"Sorry, are you in the middle of something?" Anathema asked without any suggestion to her voice, and Ezra shifted slightly, his grip on AJ loosening so he could turn to look at his friend more easily. 

"Sort of, are you okay?" He asked, and AJ pulled the blanket down enough to peek over his shoulder. Anathema flashed them a surprised smile and stifled a giggle. 

"Yeah, I was gonna offer you a mug of tea since I was about to put a pot on, but I see I'll have to get two mugs. Sorry for disturbing you guys, I didn't know you were here, AJ." 

"Yeah, we're just having a chill time before work," Ezra smiled, and AJ cuddled up to him again, too tired to respond to Anathema. "AJ's not feeling so great. What kind of tea?" 

"Vanilla chai," Anathema hummed, and Ezra stroked AJ's hair slowly. 

"You want some, sweetheart?" 

AJ nodded slightly, fingertips pressing into Ezra's side as they tried to push away their annoyance at themself for being so stupidly shy.

"Could we have two, please? And thank you." 

"Of course." 

The door clicked again and AJ felt Ezra's hand slide into their hair, his lips on the side of their head. 

"I've got you, magpie. Don't worry, okay? I'm here." 

AJ nodded again, too exhausted to answer, everything feeling like too much effort. Ezra tucked the blanket around them again, gentle and careful, fussing over them with intense concern. But they were too busy drifting off to notice, the sheer emotional turmoil of their day so far forcing them to rest, forcing them into sleep. They tried to fight it for a minute or two, but it was no use. 

AJ woke to the tapping of keys. They blinked slowly, staring at the wall for a moment. Then they rolled over sluggishly, the pain in their sides making them wince as they gazed up at Ezra sleepily. 

He was sitting up with his laptop on his lap, a spare pillow tucked behind his back, his face set in concentration. AJ smiled to themself and just lay there for a bit, taking in the sight of their handsome partner. He looked so sweet with his lips pursed slightly, his glasses perched on the end of his nose as if about to fall off, his white-blond curls all messy from where he'd been laying down. 

And as they stared at him, AJ realised they felt much better for having slept. They were much calmer; the morning feeling more distant, their mild annoyance with Ezra completely faded, and now they wanted more than anything to be kissed. Properly kissed, not just mouthed at in the heat of their work, but actually, lovingly, softly, slowly  _ kissed.  _

They reached out sleepily, fumbling a bit before stroking up Ezra's thigh, fingers gently grabbing at his leg. Ezra jumped violently, then laughed, quickly setting his laptop aside and slipping his glasses off. 

"Hello, magpie. Sorry, I was writing some of my dissertation, I didn't see you wake up," he murmured, his hand going to AJ's hair immediately, stroking it back from their face as they gazed up at him admiringly; soaking up his affectionate smile, basking in it. 

AJ shifted closer to him and buried their face in the outside of his thigh, their arms wrapping around his leg under his knee and giving a gentle tug. 

"Let me just google this," Ezra hummed in his deadpan joking tone. "My partner has lost their tongue while taking an unplanned nap. Are they cursed?" 

But he didn't wait to see if the joke landed, the gentle teasing mitigated immediately by him sliding down the bed and pulling AJ into his arms. 

Melting, inside and out, AJ spilled into his grip desperately, fingers tangling in the hair on the back of his head, their arm tight around his waist. He gathered them up easily, his cheek pressed into their hair, his arms thick and strong and so, so comfortable. 

"Are you feeling any better for your nap, sweetheart? My little bird?" Ezra asked gently, and AJ nodded, reluctantly lifting their head away from him enough to talk. 

"Much," they announced simply, then shifted and slipped a leg between Ezra's, liking the feeling of being held in every way by his body. "But I do feel more in need of a good kiss." 

"You're fresh outta luck, I'm afraid. The uh...kiss broker went home for the night," Ezra snorted at his own joke, then gently pushed AJ away from him slightly. "Come kiss me, then," he encouraged softly, and AJ giggled, relaxing completely at last, and diving in without hesitation. Ezra let out a soft sigh that almost sounded like a moan and immediately matched AJ's passion, smiling slightly as their hand moved up to cradle his cheek, their thumb stroking back and forth over his skin while they kissed him deeper. 

It only seemed like a few moments before Ezra was suddenly breaking away, his fingers closing around AJ's wrist as he turned his head. The first kiss found the base of their thumb, then the heel of their hand, and AJ laughed softly, eyes half-lidded as they watched Ezra pepper kisses all over their skin, paying special attention to their wrist before starting to move down their arm, his body weight shifting to gently guide them onto their back. AJ went willingly, their heart thumping with anticipation, eagerness pleasantly surprising them as Ezra leaned over them, massaging their hand with his as he pressed a kiss to their cheek, then their collarbone. AJ suddenly shifted, the smile fading slightly as their mouth dropped open, eyelids fluttering. 

"Shhh, just kisses," Ezra soothed, and AJ nodded slightly, eyes slipping closed as Ezra ducked down even further. His hot lips brushed their chest, moving down slightly, his hands finding their ribs, thumbs running over their skin as he kissed closer and closer to their nipple. AJ rolled their eyes internally, their fingers curling in his hair so that the next time he lifted his head, they could push him to finally commit and kiss their sensitive chest. Apparently the hand in his hair was all the confidence Ezra needed, however, as the next kiss found its mark without help, his lips brushing their nipple. AJ shivered happily, the playful, tender atmosphere in the quiet room feeling so new. They'd never had someone touch their body like this before. Usually, even people who weren't rough with them were still possessive, entitled, but Ezra was  _ worshipping  _ them in the way he caressed their soft skin, fingertips dipping into every little curve, his lips instinctively finding their most sensitive spots and brushing against them fleetingly. 

And, most shocking of all, was how completely un-sexual it felt. Ezra wasn't trying to arouse them or excite them, even though some of the places he was touching and kissing were slightly sexual - he was simply giving in to his urges and gently, slowly, lovingly showing them how much he wanted to touch them and kiss them. 

Ezra sank back to the bed beside them suddenly, jolting them out of their thoughts as he gave a soft, slightly embarrassed laugh. "My arm got tired, sorry." 

AJ smiled and rolled over into his chest again, grabbing at him, trying to get as close as possible. "Thank you." 

"Anytime, beautiful. And I mean it, anytime you need to be told how stunning you are and kissed all over, I'm right here, okay?" 

AJ nodded, their arm sliding around his waist as they relaxed into the warm, happy bliss. "I will probably have to take you up on that a lot," they mumbled, and Ezra squeezed them gently, fingertips skimming their spine. 

"Feel free. I love kissing you," he answered sleepily, then slowly rolled onto his back. AJ curled up against his side immediately, their arm still around him, their head tucked up between his chest and arm so their hair spilled over the front of his shoulder, their cheek against his rather soft and well-padded pec. 

"Comfy?" Ezra asked them softly, and they nodded, stifling a yawn. "Do you need anything?" 

"No, I'm fine, thank you," they soothed, their arm tightening around his stomach, fingertips pressing into his side slightly. "I just wanna lay here with you for a bit." 

"That can certainly be arranged." 

In fact, AJ and Ezra lay tangled together all the way up until they had to get ready for work. Ezra was the first to give in to the time, getting up slowly and starting to get changed. To AJ's shock, he didn't bother to leave the room, slipping his t-shirt off without hesitation and opening his wardrobe to find his work shirt. 

AJ just lay there and gazed at him, taking in his beautifully soft body, admiring his confidence in being himself. He glanced at them and slipped his shorts off, then checked his prosthesis before carrying his black work jeans over to the bed and sitting down. He began to wriggle his jeans on, careful with pulling them over his prosthesis as AJ propped themself up behind him, still half covered by a blanket, their hand running over his back. 

"You okay?" He asked softly, and they hummed, slowly moving around to sit next to him as he finally buttoned and zipped his jeans. 

"Sleepy still," they mumbled, and he nodded, turning to casually pull them into a brief kiss. 

"You gotta get up, though. Or call in sick," Ezra added meaningfully, and they shot him a look. 

"You said you'd drop it," they mumbled, only half joking. He sighed and kissed them again, then opened his arms. 

"Peace offering?" 

AJ couldn't help themself, they couldn't fight back the smile, so they pressed themself into him, cuddling up, fingers gently grabbing at his sides. 

"Mm, I've got you," Ezra soothed, squeezing them carefully before very lightly starting to peel them off him. "I'm gonna be late, sweetheart, come on." 

As they walked beside Ezra, AJ began to wake up properly, trying to get in the right mindset to be ready for work. But it was difficult with Ezra there, such a perfect distraction that made them feel so soft. They sighed to themself and gave in, trying to take his hand, but he shoved it in his pocket before their fingers could brush his skin. 

Snubbed and suddenly annoyed, AJ clenched their jaw, staring at the ground and not noticing the way Ezra glanced around nervously. All they knew was that he didn't want to touch them, and all the progress they'd made over the evening, all the steps forward they'd taken in putting their morning out of their mind - it all fell apart. They felt freakish and worthless, fit only for a showpiece rather than a person, let alone someone's partner. 

They arrived at the club feeling bitter and irritable, not surprised that Ezra didn't kiss them before going to the bar, but definitely not happy about it, either. It took them a while to get dressed, their hair a mess and their makeup seeming to go wrong with everything they tried, but eventually they finished their set and headed to the bar. 

Ezra smiled at them and hurried over, leaning against the counter. "Hey, you thirsty? I saw some of your set, it looked great," he grinned, and AJ just shrugged, no longer really annoyed, instead an odd mixture of numb and heavy. 

"Can I have one of my usual drinks, please?" 

Ezra hesitated, seeming taken aback by their blunt tone, but nodded, then leaned a bit closer to them with a conspiratorial smile. "Michael says that performers have to pay for drinks that aren't water now, but I'll give you yours for free," he winked, and AJ just looked at him for a moment, unable to summon enough energy to even smile. 

"Thanks." 

Ezra frowned, then seemed to look past AJ and turned away quickly, just before they felt a hand on their shoulder and Michael leaned against the bar beside them. 

"I've had five different people come to me personally asking about a dance from you, are you getting back to work or not?" 

AJ sighed heavily, normally able to just smile and say something polite, but tonight wasn't their night. "I'm taking a five minute break so I don't die of dehydration, if that's alright with you," they said sharply, and Michael glared at them. 

"Shut the fuck up, drink, and get the fuck back to work, okay? And you have to pay for it now." 

She stalked away and AJ rolled their eyes, turning back to the bar just as Ezra set their drink down in front of them. 

"That'll be two pounds, please," he said loudly, and AJ slipped a warm two pound coin from their costume, slapped it on the bar, snatched up their drink, and stalked off. They needed fresh air, so they headed straight to the back, through the bustling dressing room, and out into the freezing night air in nothing but a rather skimpy leotard and a silk robe. Leaning back against the wall, AJ adjusted their costume discreetly, then took a long sip from their drink, feeling themself start to calm down at last. It was helpful just to take a minute to do nothing in relative quiet, it gave them space to breathe. 

The door clicked behind them, but they didn't look around, still staring off into the night. 

"AJ?" Ezra said very softly, and AJ finally turned to look at him, their jaw tight. He was holding his hand out, palm up, the coin resting on his skin. The sight of him offering them the same coin that had been slipped down their costume earlier that night made them both furious and nauseous. 

"I don't want it." 

"But-" 

"Would you fuck off? I said I don't fucking want it!" AJ exploded suddenly, taking themself by surprise as much as Ezra as they shoved the drink towards him and moved to go back inside. He took the glass, but grabbed their wrist, his grip somehow managing to feel gentle, despite everything. 

"AJ, wait, I-" 

AJ rounded on him, rage boiling in their throat, choking them. "You let go of me right this fucking minute, or I swear to God, I'll-" 

"AJ, please, I don't know what's going on!" Ezra wailed, releasing them as they froze in shock, staring at him with wide, panicked eyes, the realisation that he was almost crying completely jarring them. Then the fury took over again and they clenched their jaw, nostrils flaring. 

"Fuck. You," they said very quietly, and Ezra recoiled slightly, shock registering in his expression. "You can't treat me like this," AJ went on, a snarl entering their voice, anger making their hands shake, their head feel light. "You can't tell me you love me and push me away in public! You can't refuse to touch me and pull away from me a-and fucking  _ abandon  _ me! I kn-know I'm a d-disgusting faggot, I know I'm horrible and a freak a-and a fucking whore, but I'm still a person, Ezra! You can't do this to me!" They shouted, but their tone changed as they went on, dissolving into despair, tears stinging their eyes and nose. Ezra's mouth hung open and he stepped forward, but AJ was already whipping around and fleeing, slamming the door behind them. 

AJ stormed through the dressing room, not caring about the way the other dancers were staring, and heading straight across the club to Michael's office. 

When they slammed the door back, she was sitting behind her desk, talking to a man AJ didn't recognise, but they were far too fired up to care. They ripped their robe off, threw it onto the ground, and tugged the top of their leotard down to reveal the bandages around their stomach, blood peeking through in a few patches. Michael stared, and AJ stood there for a heartbeat, chest heaving. 

"Your fucking pet client did this to me this morning and now I can't fucking work! I'm going home!" 

Michael blinked, then shook her head slightly, her expression carved out of stone. "You need to sort your attitude out, Crowley. And I don't appreciate you stripping in my office, you're supposed to be doing that on stage. Go home and I'll expect you to put in an extra long shift tomorrow to make up for it." 

AJ pulled their leotard back up and snatched up their robe, then turned and slammed the door behind them as they fled the office. 

AJ went straight home from the club, throwing their sweatpants and hoodie on over their clothes and escaping before Ezra could find them. They pulled their hood up over their hair, tucking it out of sight and taking a makeup wipe from the packet they'd grabbed from their locker. They cleaned their face and jogged a bit, their keys jingling in their pocket, their breath fogging in the air. As soon as AJ finally slipped through their front door, they shut the door against the world and hurried into their room, collapsing onto their bed. 

They stared at nothing for a minute or two, then sighed and slipped their phone out of their pocket, turning it off without looking at their notifications. Once they'd tucked it away, they finished off the rest of their night time routine feeling numb and slow, hiding their money away, taking their pill, and rubbing moisturiser into their skin without really feeling anything. 

At last, AJ curled up in bed, buried their face in their hands, and began to cry very softly. They felt pathetic and stupid, but at least the tears were a welcome release, washing away their emotions and leaving them feeling empty and exhausted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys!  
> I know this one is a real rollercoaster (and a super long one at that) but I hope you enjoyed it anyway! I'm sorry for all the angst in this story though! It's very up and down I have to admit, but it makes the sweet moments all the better (at least in my opinion lol)  
> Let me know what you thought!  
> <3<3<3


	21. Chapter Twenty One

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter includes: mild injury discussion, disordered eating behaviour.

AJ woke the next morning groggy and aching, wincing as they rolled over to find their phone. They turned it on and pressed their face into their pillow sleepily while it started up, the screen taking a while to come on. As soon as it did, AJ checked the time - almost four in the afternoon, much to their disgust - and muted the ringer before the notifications could come pouring in, mostly calls and texts from Ezra. Sighing, they unlocked their phone and tapped on their texts, opening Ezra's messages. 

_ Angel, 1:02  _

_ I'm really sorry for making you feel so bad, sweetheart. But I really can explain what's been going on, I know it's tough and I don't blame you for being upset, but I know we can work this out. Please let me try xxx  _

_ Angel, 1:24  _

_ I know you don't normally have your phone on you while you're working, but I can't find you anywhere and I'm getting really worried. Please text me, magpie, it doesn't have to be an answer, I just need to know you're okay xx  _

_ Angel, 1:49  _

_ David just told me he found out from Michael that you went home. I'm really sorry, sweetheart. I truly, truly am. I should have told you what's been going on from the start, but I was afraid that it would discourage you from being with me. I can't say what it is over text, but I can tell you that you're none of those things you said, and that I care for you as you. Please tell me you're okay xx  _

_ Angel, 2:37  _

_ Please text me back, magpie. I know you're angry and I completely understand, but I need to know you're home safe xx  _

Just after the last text, Ezra had changed his tactic to calling, leaving voicemails that said pretty much the same thing as the texts, just in increasingly begging tones, tears making an appearance in the last two before he'd given up. 

AJ stared at their phone for a bit, then ran a hand through their hair. Despite their annoyance, despite their still sullen anger, despite how hurt and scared they were, they were also just a little curious. 

And they had to admit that Ezra was the best thing that had happened to them in a very, very long time. It seemed foolish to throw it all away without at least hearing his explanation. AJ promised themself that if they weren't satisfied by it, they wouldn't talk to him ever again, then tapped on his contact and pressed the 'call' button before they could second-guess themself. 

Ezra answered almost immediately, sounding out of breath and a bit shaky. "Magpie?" 

A slight pang of regret flared in AJ's chest at the sound of the nickname in his soft voice, but they pushed it aside, taking a deep breath. 

"I want to hear this explanation," they said bluntly, then swallowed hard. "And if I don't like it.." 

"I know, sweetheart. I understand," Ezra mumbled, his voice trembling. "Can you give me one second? I'm up on my crutches at the moment, I can't sit down and keep holding my phone." 

"Okay," AJ yielded quietly, looking down at their lap and scratching at an itch on their thigh absently. There were some rustling sounds and Ezra's breathing got a bit louder before AJ heard his bed creak. 

"Alright, I'm back," he murmured, trying to sound cheerful and failing, unsurprisingly. "Look.." He took a deep breath before continuing slowly. "Michael came up to me a while ago, before I started going out with that woman, Ash. She told me that...that if I started dating you, it would distract you from this big important client or whatever and I would lose my job. And there were some hints in there that it would be bad for you, as well, and...and I really need this job. I had this big fight with a club owner before about him being transphobic...it was um, a gay bar, y'know? And I got blacklisted at a lot of clubs in the city, even non-gay ones, so I don't...I don't have a lot of options. It scared me...and that's why I had so much trouble actually asking you out, and now...and now when we're in public, and especially at work, I get nervous in case Michael sees or it gets back to her somehow.." 

Ezra trailed off again and AJ just sat there for a moment, choked into silence as rage throttled them, blinding them. They squeezed their eyes shut, fingernails digging into their palms, and tried to breathe, focusing on listening as Ezra filled the silence. 

"I um...I'm sorry, magpie. I should have told you when we started, and I'm very sorry I let it hurt you. But I...you're amazing," he breathed softly, his voice hitching as a bright smile crept into his tone. "You're so fun to talk to, and you're so beautiful and talented in so many things. I'm so, so lucky to have you, and I promise that if I wasn't nervous about Michael, I would flaunt getting to be with you every chance I got." 

AJ sniffed, fury replaced with a sudden rush of overwhelming emotion, tears pricking at their eyes as Ezra's gentle, sincere words washed over them. "I...I need you, Ezra," they managed, then closed their eyes, taking a couple of slow, calming breaths. "Please. I...I don't feel well at all, I'm...I need a hug," they finished lamely, the tears running down their cheeks as soon as they opened their eyes, the salty water gathering on their chin. 

"Oh, sweetheart," Ezra murmured, his voice soft and empathetic. "I'm so sorry. You could...come here, if you wanted?" 

AJ shook their head and tried to wipe their cheeks, shaking ever so slightly. "The cuts on m-my stomach hurt really badly, I think I should rest," they sniffed, and Ezra hummed agreement. 

"I'll be ten minutes, alright?" 

While they waited, AJ sprayed dry shampoo into their hair and gave it a good shake, then tugged on some comfortable sweats and a baggy t-shirt. They knew they didn't have time to even attempt makeup, so they just made sure they had plenty of deodorant on and wandered into the living room unsteadily. Every step sent a jolt of pain up their sides, but at least the apartment was empty. 

Bea was on a trip down to Dagon's hometown for their birthday, and would be spending two nights away - giving AJ a blissful two nights of peace. AJ was just reflecting on this and what it meant for their plans when the buzzer sounded from the front door. AJ hurried over as fast as they could manage and buzzed Ezra in, then leaned against the door and waited until they heard the soft knock. 

Suddenly inundated with eagerness, AJ unlocked the door and flung it open, staring into surprised blue eyes. 

"Hey," Ezra said quietly, then held up a small shopping bag. "I um...I brought you some nice drinks...non-alcoholic, of course, and um...a blanket," he added shyly, and AJ grabbed at his shirt, giving a gentle tug. 

"I need to lay down and I need a hug." 

Ezra chuckled softly, seeming to relax as he followed them inside, all the way to their bedroom. They smiled at him shakily as they sank down onto the bed, but he was already beside them, arms open. 

After a moment of contemplation, AJ finally shook their head, blushing a bit. "My um...my cuts hurt, a lot. Would you...maybe take a look before we get comfortable?" They forced themself to say, hating having to ask for help, but secure in the knowledge that Ezra would say- 

"Of course, do you have gloves and stuff?" 

AJ nodded, pointing to their wardrobe as they slowly laid back, easing themself down carefully. "There's a little red box in there with a bunch of first aid stuff." 

Ezra flashed them a worried smile and got up, rummaging around for a moment or two before walking back to AJ and gently helping them pull their shirt off completely. Then he slipped a pair of gloves on and cut the gauze wrapped around their stomach off before starting to peel the pads back one by one. 

"Shit, AJ," he mumbled when he'd finished, sitting back slightly. "I'm not going to say I told you so, but these have been really torn and messed about from last night. I'll clean them and everything again, they don't look infected, at least." 

AJ closed their eyes, shame flooding through them as their cheeks flushed. "I'm sorry." 

"Don't apologise to me," Ezra chastised gently, spraying each cut with a healthy dose of sting-free antiseptic. "Or at all, actually. There's nothing to be done now, but you do need rest." 

"I'll call in sick tonight," they mumbled reluctantly, and Ezra nodded, bending over them again to take a closer look before smoothing cream over the cuts and taping down fresh pads. "I should be able to make rent," they went on, half to themself, and Ezra's hand briefly rested against their stomach, gentle and warm. 

"I won't let anything happen to you, I promise." 

AJ looked at him again, at those soft blue eyes as he guided them to sit up so he could wrap the gauze. He noticed their gaze on him and smiled, although he still looked worried. 

"You're being so brave for me, sweetheart," he murmured, finishing off the gauze and kissing their forehead before getting up, picking up the dirty pads and taking his gloves off, using the stretchy latex to wrap the old dressings up neatly. 

"I'll go wash my hands," Ezra announced, and AJ nodded, sinking back to the bed sleepily. They slowly, carefully eased themself over to the side of the bed that was against the wall, laying down flat and letting out a deep sigh. After a moment or two, they closed their eyes and stifled a yawn, just as they heard the door click. 

"Don't go to sleep without me," Ezra chuckled softly as he walked over, sitting down on the edge of the bed. AJ smiled to themself, but didn't answer, simply listening as he removed his prosthesis and laid down beside them, his fingertips skimming their arm. 

"You want a hug, sweetheart?" 

AJ nodded and carefully rolled onto their side, smiling at Ezra sadly. "I...we need to talk more." 

"We do," he agreed, letting his arm come to rest on AJ's waist, avoiding their cuts. "But maybe a hug first? I've been thinking about how much I want to hug you for hours." 

They smiled a little wider and nodded, so Ezra moved closer to them, his arm tightening around them very carefully, his hand stroking up and down their bare back as they buried their face in his shoulder and let out a soft sigh. It felt ridiculously good, pressing themself against him, forgetting about everything else and just focusing on his warmth and the smell of his shampoo. 

"I'm so sorry," Ezra murmured after a moment or two. "I really am, I...I never meant to hurt your feelings so much." 

AJ nodded, pulling away enough to see his face, one hand coming to rest on his cheek. "I know, now," they smiled, but they could feel the despair and rage welling up again, forcing tears into their throat. "I'm sorry for getting so angry." 

"It's okay, sweetheart, it's alright," Ezra said quickly, then smiled slightly. "Can I kiss you?" 

"Please," AJ answered simply, and Ezra grinned before leaning in, his fingers curling around their jaw, stroking, caressing, before their lips connected, ever so softly at first, but quickly growing more passionate as AJ pulled him a little deeper. AJ nearly burst into tears then and there, the physical reminder that Ezra really did care for them almost too much all in one go, but he was already breaking away, fingertips stroking down the side of their face, a soft note hummed in the back of his throat. 

"Shhh," he hushed quietly, his knuckles stroking over their cheekbone. "Don't cry, sweetheart. I can see it on your face, but you're not allowed to cry," he murmured, a smile in his voice. 

AJ opened their eyes and looked at him, their own smile a bit wobbly. "Why not?" 

"Because I said so," Ezra chuckled, using his fingers to comb their voluminous, well-brushed hair back from their face, tucking it over their shoulder instead. "We need to talk about Michael and this client," he added softly, both their smiles fading almost immediately. 

"Gabriel," AJ muttered, looking away, down at the buttons on Ezra's shirt, their cheeks once again burning in shame. "His name is Gabriel."

"Is he the one..?" Ezra trailed off, but moved his hand slowly and deliberately, resting it over one of AJ's cuts lightly. They simply nodded, not trusting their voice not to crack all over the place if they tried to answer.

Ezra didn't say anything, but his deep sigh expressed plenty, his body pressing closer to them. "I...I think we need to be very careful at the club," he pointed out quietly. "I don't...I don't trust everyone there, I wouldn't be surprised if Michael told people to keep an eye on us. And in public, I...I think I just need some time to get over that bump. I really, truly love being with you, but when we're in public now I spend most of my time looking around for people from work, and I just...I need to learn to relax. I think it's going to take some time, but I promise I'll work on it." 

AJ nodded, sniffling a bit as the realisation hit them - their relationship with Ezra, the first really good thing to happen to them in years, could be so easily ruined by Gabriel, of all people. Of  _ course  _ it would be him. They squeezed their eyes shut, anger clawing at their chest again, rage so strong that they started to shake, then began to cry very softly. Ezra gasped and closed the gap between them, hugging AJ carefully, but tightly, his body so warm and soft that AJ couldn't help but press into it, even as the tears began to fall heavier, spurred on by their anger and sadness, with no other outlet but crying. 

"I've got you, it's okay," Ezra murmured, a little uncertain, but clutching AJ tighter, kissing the side of their head and squeezing them carefully. "It's okay to cry." 

AJ lifted their head slightly, stifling a sob as the hot tears streamed down their cheeks and over their nose to soak into the sheets. "I-I'm just so a-angry!" They gasped, and Ezra pulled away just enough to see their face, his hand stroking over their cheek, wiping away their tears. "I-I hate them!" AJ sobbed softly, the tears falling faster as the emotions swirled in their chest, overwhelming and far too strong. "I c-can't have a fucking life b-because of those two!" 

Ezra sighed softly and pulled AJ back into his arms, stroking their hair slowly. "Maybe something needs to change," he suggested quietly, his touch gentle, but protective. "Maybe you could stop seeing this client?" 

AJ's breath caught in their throat and they tried to take deep breaths, managing to calm down as Ezra clutched them tighter, still being careful with them. They just pressed closer to him, contemplating this, thinking about it. Then they sighed and nodded, slowly beginning to pull away from Ezra to reach for their phone. 

"I c-can't see him anymore," AJ whimpered, and Ezra nodded, kissing their cheek as they unlocked their phone and opened their text conversation with Michael. "I can't do it anymore," they mumbled, half to themself as they began to type. 

_ AJ, 12:57 _

_ I'm not going to see Gabriel anymore. He's gone too far and I can't afford to lose out on other clients because of my injuries from appointments with him. I can't do it anymore.  _

AJ shifted uneasily, then hit send and turned to snuggle up to Ezra just as their phone buzzed. 

_ Michael, 12:59  _

_ Fine, but you're going to have to make up for it. I'm going to start taking a cut, we'll discuss it more later.  _

Sighing heavily, AJ showed the text to Ezra, then put their phone aside and pressed into him, burying their face in his neck. 

"Fuck her. You'll be okay, everything will be okay," Ezra soothed, holding them tightly, his hand running up and down their back in a slow, calming motion. Exhausted beyond belief, AJ just lay there in silence, once again feeling numb and cold. 

"Here, I still need to talk to you about something," Ezra mumbled after a long while, slowly pulling away from them. "But I need to sit up for a minute, I'm getting sleepy," he chuckled, and AJ managed a vague smile, letting go of him as he moved to sit up, his back against the wall.

He smiled down at them and patted his lap lightly, a dusting of pink gracing his cheeks. 

"You could come lay here," he suggested softly, but AJ was already moving, wincing as they sat up and scooted around to lay down once more, their head in Ezra's lap. He reached over and grabbed one of their decorative pillows, tucking it under their shoulders. 

"There, now your neck won't get sore," he hummed, and AJ managed a weak smile as his hand slid into their hair. The feeling surprised them with how intimate it was, their body laid out for Ezra, his fingers in their hair. He could so easily grab a fistful and flip them onto the bed for easy access, but AJ, despite everything, was absolutely, one hundred percent certain that he wouldn't. They lifted their head slightly and pulled their hair out from where it was trapped against their back, tucking it all over one shoulder where Ezra could play with it to his heart's content. He grinned, blue eyes bright, and leaned down to kiss their forehead, his lips gentle and warm. 

"There we go. Are you comfy?" He asked softly, combing through their thick hair with his fingers. 

AJ simply gazed up at him and smiled, reaching out to find his other hand. "Very." 

He gently took their searching hand and laced their fingers together, squeezing lightly. "Good. I want to talk about all the things you said to me at work, about...about yourself," he began slowly, picking every word with care as he kept stroking AJ's hair, as if to soothe himself as much as them. "I...I don't think you're any of those things, AJ. You're.." he swallowed hard, obviously reluctant to say the words. "You're not a gay man, so you...you can't be an f-slur," he pointed out, his touch gentle and as careful as his voice. "And you're not disgusting or horrible, I promise. You're beautiful and sweet and funny and so, so nice to be around," Ezra went on, and AJ had to close their eyes, sniffling a bit and soaking up every word. "You're not a freak, either. I know...I know it's hard sometimes...have you ever heard the term 'internalised transphobia?'" 

AJ opened their eyes again and stared up into that honest, kind face, briefly wondering how they got so lucky as they squeezed his hand and shook their head. Ezra nodded slightly and stroked his knuckles down their cheek, gentle against their skin. 

"Okay. Basically, it's when you hear a lot of transphobic things directed at yourself or others and end up internalising them, thinking they apply to you. Like you calling yourself a freak, I...I'm sure you've probably heard that a lot of times, but it doesn't mean you are one. You're just different, you're just non-binary. I'm not a freak, right?" 

AJ shook their head slowly, trying not to start crying for the third time in two hours, despite how much Ezra's words were making them feel warm and cared for. 

"There you go. I'm not a freak for being trans, and neither are you, okay? And I know it's not that simple, I know it's going to take a long time to stop feeling that way about yourself, but I'm here, okay? I'll hold your hand and help you get there. You're beautiful and unique and special, and I love that about you. You just need to learn to love it as much as I do." 

"That makes it sound so simple," AJ chuckled, and Ezra smiled, stroking his fingers through their hair again. 

"I know, sweetheart. But we'll get there together. And the same about your job. I don't judge you for it, okay? I don't think of you as a whore or a slut or...or whatever, you're just a sex worker, and there's nothing wrong with that. I do wish sometimes that you weren't, I'll admit that, because I worry about you being safe, but that doesn't mean I think you're a bad person, okay?" 

AJ nodded, then rolled over onto their side quickly, pressing their face against Ezra's plush, padded stomach so they didn't have to look at him while they tried not to cry. Once again, they felt entirely overwhelmed by Ezra's kind words, his gentle voice causing an avalanche of emotion to crush them under its bulk, and they needed a moment or two to recover. 

Ezra chuckled softly and just kept stroking their hair, their hand slipping from his and allowing him to run his hand up and down the outside of their arm. Comfortable silence fell for a while, until Ezra shifted slightly. 

"My legs are going to sleep, magpie," he mumbled, and AJ sighed, waking from their relaxed doze and starting to pull away slowly.

Ezra gently helped them, murmuring to them soothingly as they sank to the bed, getting comfortable on their back and stifling a yawn. 

"You need anything, sweetheart?" Ezra asked softly, and AJ shook their head, reaching out for him with a sleepy smile. Ezra's expression melted into the softest of grins, moving towards them slowly and carefully, leaning over them and kissing their forehead. 

"Mmm, hey." 

"Hey," AJ snorted, and Ezra's eyes flickered down, his breath hesitating, and AJ rolled their eyes. "Just kiss me! You always spend so long thinking about it! Just kiss me alre-" 

The kiss was absolutely perfect, driving home everything Ezra had told them, everything about how much he cared for them just as they were - it was so relentlessly tender and slow and caring, Ezra allowing AJ to guide him. They gently pulled him a little deeper, gradually turning up the passion. An unfamiliar stirring began in their chest, and they remembered some of their less...PG dreams about Ezra, the thought causing them to grab at his hair, tangling their fingers in the golden curls and pulling gently, their lips parting. Ezra took the invitation eagerly, one of his hands sliding from their cheek to stroke over their neck, fingers exploring further, over their collarbone, lower, and AJ gasped, tugging at Ezra's hair needily, their chest rising and falling rather quickly. He smiled against their lips and brushed his thumb over their nipple again, slowly pulling away from the kiss, despite their desperate attempts to keep him there. 

"Is this okay? Can I touch here?" 

"You can touch anywhere you want," AJ purred automatically, then blushed as Ezra froze, shaking his head slowly. 

"No, sweetheart. I can't. I can only touch where  _ you  _ want." 

AJ stared at him for a moment, nostrils flaring as they willed themself not to start crying all over again. Then they cleared their throat and managed a smile. "I really like it, Ezra. I promise." 

He nodded and gave in to his own desire, diving back into the kiss. AJ leaned into it eagerly, pouring all of their joy and sheer appreciation into it, hoping they could make him feel even a fraction of the emotions his gentle statement had sent crashing through them. And then Ezra's fingers found their nipple, rolling the bud, gently tugging at the piercing, and AJ was moaning obscenely, immediately regretting it as Ezra pulled away once more, his lips going straight to their jaw this time. 

"Shhh," he soothed, fingertips rubbing lightly right next to their nipple, the thumb of his other hand running over their cheek soothingly as they looked away, wishing they could just hide. "It's okay," Ezra assured them softly, his smile so, so tender it made AJ ache all over. "This isn't a performance, sweetheart, it's intimacy. You don't have to pretend anything for me, I only want you to feel good, and if you don't, then I need to know, okay?" 

AJ nodded, finally meeting his gaze and letting out a quiet sigh. "I...I know, I just...I forgot," they mumbled, and his smile spread a little wider, his fingertips still caressing their skin. 

"That's okay, beautiful. I just didn't want you feeling obliged, I know it's probably going to take a while for you to get used to this." 

"Thank you," AJ mumbled, reaching up and stroking their spare hand over his cheek. "You're so sweet to me. But I'd really like another kiss." 

Ezra chuckled softly, his smile twitching up a little higher on one side. "Mm? You would, huh?" 

"Please?" AJ giggled, and Ezra's hand shifted, his fingers finding their nipple again, toying with their piercing lightly. 

"I've never met anyone with these before. That I know of," Ezra hummed innocently, and AJ gently smacked his shoulder. 

"Stop stalling!" They laughed, and he squeezed just enough to make them squirm in pleasure and desire. 

"Is that what I'm doing?" 

AJ didn't bother to reply, pulling him down with the hand that was still resting on the back of his head, their smiles making it just a little difficult to kiss at first before they both fell back into the rhythm. Ezra's hand began to slide lower again, skimming over their ribs and stopping when he found their gauze bandages. They shivered slightly and pulled at his hair gently, just as he shifted position, sliding his leg up between theirs.

This time, AJ's moan was real, but very soft, more in anticipation than anything, and Ezra smiled against their lips before kissing them deeper. He shifted again, then rocked, and AJ gasped, a shudder running through them as pleasure exploded through their body, making them buck against his thigh. Ezra purred, then winced and pulled away hurriedly. 

"Fuck, I forgot to ask first, is-" 

"Don't you fucking stop," AJ growled in a jokey tone, then giggled as they guided the shocked Ezra back into a deep, needy kiss. They drew their knees up, giving him better access, his hand running up their thigh slowly, giving a little squeeze before returning to their ribs so he could rock again. 

AJ moaned softly, tilting their head back this time, Ezra's lips going to their neck and sending a little bolt of panic through them. 

"No hickies!" They gasped hurriedly, and Ezra nodded, the hand on their cheek sliding down to the other side of their neck as he mouthed at their skin, careful not to get close to marking them. He rolled his hips again and AJ whimpered happily, already feeling themself starting to get aroused, blood rushing downwards, their underwear getting tight. They never got aroused this quickly, especially lately. They'd been getting through a lot more viagra in the past few months. 

AJ shook themself mentally, pushing the thoughts away and focusing on grinding against Ezra, his lips now on their collarbone. And then his hand slipped and pressed down onto one of their cuts and AJ was crying out, sudden pain flashing through them, shocking them after the light, easy pleasure. 

Ezra jerked away immediately, rushing out breathy apologies over and over, checking them over frantically, his whole being radiating anxiety. AJ slid their hand over his wrist and gave a little squeeze, trying to get him to calm down. 

"Ezra...angel, I'm okay," they murmured, and he stopped, staring down at them worriedly. 

"Are you sure? I feel awful, I...I didn't mean to.." 

"I know, it's okay," AJ soothed, reaching up to stroke his cheek and then shifting position slightly. "It was an accident, and I'd...I'd like to be kissed again, please." 

Ezra nearly recoiled in surprise, shaking his head quickly. "No, no way, I can't...I can't hurt you again!" 

A bit taken aback, AJ blinked, but nodded, letting out a slow, slightly disappointed breath. "Can I at least have one little kiss?" 

Ezra's shoulders dropped in relief and he nodded, smiling down at them. "Sure," he murmured, leaning down and giving them a soft, easy, brief kiss before sitting back. "I really, really need to pee," he announced, reaching for his prosthesis. "I'll be right back." 

AJ rolled onto their side to stroke his back as he fitted his leg, then watched him walk off before shifting onto their stomach. They'd pulled a muscle in their back the night before after skimping on their stretching routine because of their injuries, and it still ached just a little. It felt nicer on their stomach, so they wriggled slightly to get comfortable, then folded their arms under their head and rested their cheek on them, closing their eyes happily. 

After a few minutes, AJ heard the toilet flush, then the sound of the door clicking. Soft footsteps moved towards the bed before the mattress sank and Ezra busied himself with removing his prosthesis. 

Finally, he laid down beside AJ again, his hand finding their back and stroking slowly as they opened their eyes lazily. Ezra smiled, shifting onto his stomach beside them and mirroring their position, his gaze full of admiration and contentment. 

"This is going to sound weird," he said softly, his smile turning slightly sheepish. "But you have a lovely back." 

AJ giggled quietly and gently bumped their elbow against his. "That is kind of an odd compliment, but I'll take it," they smiled, and Ezra reached out slowly, stroking their hair over and over before moving onto his side again so he could lean in and kiss them ever so softly. 

"Are you hungry?" He asked quietly, his hand running down from their hair over their shoulders, fingertips trailing up and down over their bare spine. 

"Not really," AJ mumbled, letting their eyes slip closed as they focused on Ezra's feather-light touches. 

Ezra gave a quiet sigh and shifted closer to them, protective. "Have you eaten yet today?" 

AJ shook their head, keeping their eyes firmly closed so they wouldn't have to see Ezra's expression. 

"Then you should, sweetheart," he pressed gently, his voice kind, his open hand coming to rest between their shoulder blades. "Even if it's just some fruit or something." 

AJ opened their eyes slowly and heaved a sigh, shaking their head slightly. "Why are you so worried about my eating?"

Ezra managed a slight smile and returned his hand to their hair, ignoring the way their eyes narrowed. "Because I see a lot of my old behaviours in you. But I don't think we should get into this now. We've had a bit of turmoil the past couple days, and I don't want to push you while you're still upset. I would just like you to eat something today. It doesn't have to be big, I promise. Just something." 

AJ rolled their eyes, then gently pushed at Ezra's arm. "Fine. Before I change my mind, there's apples on the counter and peanut butter in my cupboard, the one to the left of the oven, if you slice the apple for me, I'll eat it. Deal?" 

Ezra grinned and nodded, kissing them quickly before sitting up to grab his prosthesis again. "Next time I come over, remind me to bring my crutches, okay?" 

"Okay," AJ mumbled, defensive irritation fading as they watched Ezra slip out of the room, pulling the door to behind him. It was easy to get annoyed when people questioned their eating habits, but at least Ezra had had the sense to drop it, and he'd been nice about it. AJ hadn't liked the sound of reminding him of his old habits, though. It made them worried about him, which was the last thing they needed on top of everything else. 

After a while, Ezra came back with a sandwich for himself and a plate full of apple and peanut butter to share. He helped AJ sit up and encouraged them silently to eat as much as they could manage, pushing bits of apple towards them and kissing their cheek as a reward every time they ate one. They had to admit, they didn't exactly mind. It was nice to feel cared for, supported, the object of such sweet, kind attention, even if it was over something they kept quite private. 

Once they'd eaten, they picked another Ghibli film to watch together, cuddling up happily. AJ was the little spoon again, right where they wanted to be, and had begun to get rather sleepy when Ezra suddenly reached over them to pause the film. 

"You haven't called in sick," he pointed out quietly, and they groaned softly. 

"Shit. I'll just text Michael again," AJ mumbled, moving away from Ezra slightly and handing him their phone. "Can you take a picture of my bandages? Just to show they're still on." 

Frowning, Ezra did as he was told, then handed the phone back and reached out to run his hand up and down the outside of their thigh. "Do you really think she'll ask?" 

"I don't know, I don't trust her anymore," AJ said flatly, writing a quick text and attaching the picture. 

Ezra sighed and gently pulled them down again, his touch a little needy. "Fuck her and come here, come cuddle." 

AJ hummed and laid back down carefully, letting out a happy sigh as Ezra nuzzled the back of their neck. "Mm, this is nice." 

Ezra nodded, then lifted his head again and reached over them carefully, pressing play before settling back. "I'm really glad you're staying here with me." 

"Me too." 

AJ ended up drifting off before the movie finished, and woke feeling rather disoriented. It was dark, the bed was empty, and everything felt wrong. 

They scrambled up quickly, ignoring the pain in their sides, and staggered out of their room, managing to catch their balance as they hurried to the living room and nearly collapsed in relief. 

Ezra had figured out the pull-out sofa bed and was fast asleep in the dim light filtering in from the streetlights outside. He looked not quite human in the odd half-asleep state AJ was in, especially with the way his hair caught the light slightly and sparked gold as he breathed, almost like a rough halo. 

AJ stared for a moment or two longer, then walked back to their room unsteadily and checked the time. It was almost two, so they got down to work with their routine, feeling a bit less panicky and off-kilter knowing that they had plenty of time to complete their routine and take their medication before their 'official' bedtime. 

Once they'd crossed off the day on their medication calendar, they hesitated, glancing back towards the living room. Half of them wanted to go and crawl under the sheets with Ezra, but they knew they'd never get any sleep if they tried that, it would be too far from their usual routine. So instead, AJ slipped back into their own bed, leaving the bedroom door open about halfway as a sort of invitation. They curled up and stared at the wall for a bit, then closed their eyes and pressed their face into the pillow slightly, but as soon as they were settled, the thoughts began to flood their mind, distracting them from their attempts to sleep. 

One of the most pressing of them all was prompting AJ to wonder about Ezra's move to the couch. They'd discussed him staying the night and AJ had said that they'd like him to, and he'd said he'd have a think about it because he had a lot of work, but that he wanted to. And then the conversation had faded and AJ had fallen asleep. It looked like he'd chosen them over his work, at least. 

But he hadn't stayed in their bed. He'd moved himself away from them, clearly worried about crossing a boundary they couldn't enforce while asleep, and just that realisation made AJ want to run into the next room and shake Ezra awake just so they could kiss him and kiss him and curl up in his arms until the sun came up. 

AJ smiled to themself sleepily and promised in the privacy of their mind that they'd try next time, they'd stay with him and sleep beside him and get to wake up beside someone for the first time in their life. 

Even feeling so content and sleepy, AJ struggled to fall asleep for quite a while thanks to the disturbance in their routine. But eventually they simply couldn't keep their eyes open anymore, and finally stopped tossing and turning. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone!   
> I hope you liked this one, a little bit of softness to balance everything out!   
> I do have a small announcement to make so please read this!!   
> One of my friends is going through a tough time at the moment. I've put a link below (only what I can due to AO3 rules), please if you can, think about helping out, or if you can't afford it, just a share would be fantastic! ♡♡♡  
> https://www.instagram.com/p/B_aK69EF01V/?igshid=10bpe0tt18opp
> 
> To be 100% clear this doesn't make me any money, it's solely for my friend!


	22. Chapter Twenty Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter includes: disordered eating behaviour, discussion of eating disorders, mild sexual content, panic attacks and dissociation, brief discussion of sexual trauma.

Hey! So my lovely editor, squeegeelicious, did a wonderful little doodle of AJ I've included below. I've added it here because it kind of fits the 'just woke up' element of the first part of the chapter, so enjoy! <3<3<3

* * *

* * *

When Ezra woke the next morning, it took him a few seconds to remember where he was, and a few more to realise the apartment was completely silent. Sighing to himself, he sat up slowly, rubbing his eyes and swinging his legs over the edge of the rickety sofa bed. He sat for a moment or two, giving himself time to wake properly, then grabbed his prosthesis and began to put it on, blinking the last of the sleep from his eyes as he stood up. 

Driven by his bladder, he wandered down the hall, noticing as he went that AJ's door was standing halfway open. Ezra hesitated for a moment, then stuck his head into the room and immediately smiled to himself, warmth spreading through his chest. 

AJ was fast asleep, their hair wild on the pillow, their lips parted slightly. The blankets had slipped down around their waist, revealing a silky pink camisole top with lace around the neckline that made Ezra smile even wider. He liked the thought that AJ wore such delicate things when they were by themself, embracing their identity shamelessly and picking out soft, feminine things to wear so close to their skin. 

He wanted more than anything to go and sit with them, to stroke their hair and cheek and arm until they woke. He could imagine the way they'd smile at him sleepily, their eyes half closed and content, and yet he didn't want to cross a line. 

After the way AJ had panicked about being held, Ezra knew he had to be careful with them, he had to make sure to ask for everything, and he couldn't ask if they were still asleep. So instead, he tore himself away and walked to the bathroom. 

Once he'd sorted himself out, Ezra wandered to the kitchen and opened the fridge, leaning against the door. He wanted to do something nice for AJ, and his first thought had been cooking them breakfast. 

But the fridge was bare. It almost looked like no one lived there, there was so little food. A few ready meals sat at the very bottom, but each one had a big capital 'B' scrawled on the front in sharpie. In fact, the only things not marked as Bea's were a couple of sauce bottles in the door. It was depressing. 

Ezra poked at the ketchup and sighed to himself, this only serving to make him more sure of the creeping suspicions he'd been trying to wrestle down. He'd had plenty of experience with eating disorders, and AJ ticked every box. 

Maybe breakfast wasn't such a great idea.

Ezra stared at the fridge for a bit, then shook his head, closed the door, and grabbed an envelope from the recycling. He scribbled a quick note, looked under the sink to find a shopping bag, and headed out to the corner shop. 

By the time Ezra got back and poked his head into AJ's bedroom, they were still fast asleep, their back now facing the door, so he smiled to himself and began to set up. 

It didn't take long to mix the batter, the act of pouring it into a hot frying pan rather satisfying. Ezra made it through three pancakes before he heard movement behind him, quiet footsteps, the swish of cloth. 

He turned and his eyes widened. AJ looked magnificent in the morning light, their hair messy and curly, their freckles dark against their skin. They'd pulled on a black silk robe over their pajamas, but hadn't bothered to tie it, leaving their camisole and matching shorts on display. They frowned, blinking slowly as they walked straight into Ezra's chest, their arms encircling his waist loosely, their face pressing into his neck. 

"Hey, you okay?" Ezra asked quickly, forgetting his awe at their appearance in the face of their need for comfort. AJ nodded slightly, letting out a soft sigh. 

"Mm, just...didn't sleep well," they mumbled, and Ezra hugged them carefully, one hand in their hair, the pancake slipping his mind completely. 

"I'm sorry, sweetheart," he murmured, and they shook their head slightly, gently starting to pull away. 

"S'not your fault. I'm just...sensitive with my routine," AJ mumbled, hesitating, their eyes focusing on Ezra's lips briefly. Ezra took the hint and smiled as he kissed them, just a soft little 'good morning' peck.

They pulled away fairly quickly, smiling sleepily as they looked past Ezra to the hob. 

"That looks crispy," AJ commented with a grin and Ezra turned hurriedly, groaning to himself. 

"Shit, you distracted me!" He laughed, quickly pulling the burnt pancake from the pan. "But there's a few good ones ready," he added, flashing them a smile as they stood next to him, looking uncertain. 

"I...I'm not that hungry," they mumbled after a moment, and Ezra turned the hob off, turning to stroke their hair slowly, making sure they could tell they had his full attention. 

"I think we need to talk about things," he said gently, and AJ looked away sharply, colour rising to their cheeks as they clenched their jaw in an expression Ezra was coming to recognise. "I'm not criticising you, sweetheart," he murmured, moving closer to them, his arm sliding around their waist. "I care for you, that's all. How about you have just one? Hmm? You don't have to put much sugar on it." 

AJ sighed and gave in, their expression relaxing somewhat, but not exactly becoming happy. "Fine. I just...I don't want to talk about it,” they muttered, taking the plates to the kitchen table and sitting down heavily, sighing to themself a little dramatically. 

Ezra watched as they started to sprinkle the tiniest amount of sugar onto their pancake, followed by a good helping of lemon juice. "We have to talk about it at some point, sweetheart." 

"Whatever, just not right before I'm about to eat," AJ said sharply, and Ezra nodded, turning back to the stovetop to give them some space. He turned the hob back on and started on another pancake, not looking at AJ, but listening to the sounds of their knife and fork and feeling rather satisfied. 

After a few minutes, Ezra turned to put the fourth pancake onto a plate and found another pancake missing. He didn't say anything, simply setting the fresh one down and turning back to the pan. 

"I think I should be able to get about eight out of this batter," he said after a short pause, and when he turned to put the fifth pancake on a plate, he saw that AJ had eaten a third. 

They looked at him sullenly, as if expecting to be shouted at, so he smiled and kissed their flushed cheek. 

"How was it?" 

"Very nice. Thank you," they answered sincerely, although rather quietly, stepping into Ezra's side and hugging him tightly. A bit surprised, Ezra did his best to hug them back despite the odd angle, his chest feeling a little tight as they pulled away and hurried off out of the kitchen. 

Ezra finished up the cooking by himself, AJ reappearing only after he'd sat down at the table and started rolling up his first pancake. 

They slipped back into the kitchen looking rather more like the AJ he was used to - their hair brushed and silky, a touch of makeup gracing their eyes, and a cute little outfit consisting of pastel pink short overalls with opaque black tights and a dark salmon long-sleeve jumper underneath. 

"You look...fantastic," Ezra mumble, slightly shocked, and AJ bit their lip, then smiled shyly. 

"Thanks, I um...I just got this," they murmured, sitting down beside him and pulling at one of the straps on the overalls to demonstrate. Ezra nodded and began to eat, reaching out to rub AJ's shoulder when they folded their arms and rested their head on them. 

"You okay?" 

They hummed an answer, so Ezra finished his breakfast and took his plate to the sink, then went back to sit with AJ. Since they didn't seem like they were going to lift their head anytime soon, Ezra leaned towards them and began to stroke their hair slowly, noticing the way they shifted slightly, but not saying anything. 

"Can we talk?" He asked very softly, and AJ shrugged, which wasn't a particularly helpful answer. Ezra sighed. "Then I guess I'll talk. I um. My mum has always been dieting as far back as I can remember, and my dad was always the kind of man to tease people about their weight. And I’m...I’m just not built to be skinny. It’s not really how my body works, and I know I’m healthy enough. But when I was in high school, I started...well, I got really bad. I think it was part of realising I was trans, too, I went through that phase of trying to be really girly, and I lost a ton of weight,” He went on slowly, taking deep breaths as he tried not to think too hard about that awful time in his life. “I actually ended up in hospital once because of it, because of limiting what I ate and basically malnourishing myself. It...it wasn’t a good time, and I-” 

AJ lifted their head suddenly, their eyes full of an anger that surprised and confused their partner. "Yeah, but you weren’t a hooker, were you?" They interrupted, and Ezra blinked, taken aback by the question and the harsh, almost snarled tone in which it was asked. 

"I...n-no, but-" 

"Because I have to look perfect, all the time!" AJ snapped, suddenly sitting back, their arms folded over their chest defensively. "If I'm not skinny, do you think people are going to stop in the street to hire me?" 

Ezra swallowed hard, struggling with conflicting emotions. Anger was already bobbing to the surface, although perhaps annoyance was a better word - annoyance that AJ was completely disregarding his feelings, too wrapped up in their own self-loathing to really consider what he was saying. And yet, underneath all that, even partially fuelling his anger, was the lingering, overwhelming dread and terror that sat heavy in his stomach at the thought of AJ hanging out on street corners. But they were on a roll now, and didn't notice the look on his face. 

"I put weight on at the drop of a hat, I can look at cake and get fat, and I  _ cannot _ afford to, I-" 

"AJ," Ezra said very slowly, overcoming his brief inability to breathe and gently squeezing his partner's shoulders. "Look at me, sweetheart. You do so much exercise every day. You need to give your body fuel to support that, alright? I'm not asking you to go mad, I promise. I just think that you need to at least have three meals a day." 

AJ looked away, the muscles in their jaw working, standing out through their skin as they hesitated. "I just...I.." 

Ezra had been expecting it, and quickly moved his hands to their cheek, catching the first tear with his thumb. "Oh, magpie. There's nothing to cry about, I promise," he soothed, pulling them into a gentle hug and pressing his face into their hair. "Shhh, don't cry. I promise it's alright. I promise you don't need to put weight on, you just need to...to be eating enough." 

AJ nodded ever so slightly, then carefully began to wriggle away from Ezra, looking down at the floor as he watched them worriedly, wanting to do something, wanting to help, but feeling as if everything he did only made it worse. 

"AJ, sweetheart, I-...I'm worried about you. You seem really upset this morning, and I'm not sure-" 

"I just don't feel good," they mumbled, continuing before Ezra could say anything else. "I have appointments soon, I...I should get ready, I just...I need some space." 

A bit taken aback and even more worried, Ezra nodded, shifting his weight in his chair. 

"Okay, beautiful. How about we see each other later? Make the most of your freedom from flatmates." 

Golden eyes lifted to his and Ezra was incredibly relieved to see the ghost of a smile on AJ's face. 

"I'd like that." 

Ezra smiled back at them brightly, leaning in hesitantly, and letting out a very small sigh as they closed the gap and kissed him, their soft hands stroking his cheeks slowly, thumbs running back and forth until AJ finally pulled away, biting their lip shyly. 

"Cinema?" Ezra blurted out, his cheeks flushing, and AJ giggled. Despite his embarrassment, Ezra couldn't help but laugh along with AJ, especially when they nodded quickly and pressed themself into his arms, hugging him loosely. 

Ezra let out a quiet sigh and let his head fall against AJ's, his arms wrapping around them automatically, squeezing tight. He knew he could just sit there all day, holding AJ, feeling their affection and shielding them against the world. 

* * *

Ezra shifted from foot to foot, the tickets held tight in his hand. AJ was late and not answering their texts, which always made him more worried than he knew he should be. It always conjured up images of them lying in some bed somewhere, bleeding too much. 

The automatic doors opened again and Ezra looked up sharply, his eyes widening in relief when AJ hurried through, looking around frantically. They seemed to relax when they spotted Ezra, smiling to themself and walking over to him more slowly, already apologising. 

"I'm sorry! My appointments ran over and I couldn't find a parking space and-" 

Ezra shook his head, pulling them into a loose hug to shut them up, smiling when they nuzzled into his neck and leaned against his chest eagerly. "It's okay. Do you want snacks? We should have time," he murmured, keeping his voice even despite the intense, trembling relief making his whole body feel weak. 

"I just want you," AJ mumbled in his ear before gently pulling away from the hug. Ezra smiled and offered his hand, which they took quickly, following him to the desk. He handed the tickets to the attendant, then took them back and glanced back at AJ with a grin before gently pulling them into a jog. 

"We're not that late!" AJ giggled, catching up with him and slipping their hand from his so they could walk up the stairs behind him, their body shielding their hand from view as they ran it over his ass, giving it a sharp little squeeze. 

"Hey!" Ezra laughed, and AJ grinned, running a few steps on the landing so they could walk beside him into the theatre, their hand finding his easily. 

"You're frisky tonight," he chuckled, and they bumped their shoulder into his, smiling to themself happily. 

"Just missed you. And I had a coffee after you left, so I'm a lot more awake now," they hummed, following Ezra up the aisle and to their seats. It was quite early in the evening, so the theatre was mostly empty, and Ezra settled into his seat contentedly, stifling a yawn. AJ shifted as the adverts began and quickly put the armrest up, snuggling into Ezra's side immediately. He chuckled and wrapped his arm around them, kissing the side of their head lightly before they turned suddenly, their hands sliding over his cheeks, their lips finding his in the dark. Surprised, Ezra almost pulled away, but leaned in quickly, guiding them deeper, unable to keep the smile from tugging at his lips. And then AJ was pulling away and scooting closer to him, their legs slipping over his lap, their head resting on the front of his shoulder as their arm slid around him, clinging on tightly. Ezra let his head rest against theirs, his own arm around AJ's waist, holding them against his chest. 

"You comfy?" He asked softly, and they nodded, nuzzling at his chest gently. Ezra smiled to himself, reaching up with his other hand to stroke their hair slowly, combing his fingers through the long, loose curls. AJ pressed a kiss to his shirt, then relaxed again, running their hand up and down his side. 

They stayed like that for the entire movie, cuddled up contentedly, AJ's warmth making Ezra feel relaxed and full of love, practically floating out of the theatre while the credits rolled. 

"I have to pee," AJ announced as soon as they reached the hallway, glancing at Ezra, who just nodded and waited for them to walk off. They kept staring at him. 

"Oh, you uh...want me to come?" He asked awkwardly, and AJ nodded, colour rising to their cheeks, their eyes full of some odd emotion Ezra couldn't place. "That's okay, let's go," he murmured, walking forward and letting his hand brush against AJ's lower back as they walked beside him, still blushing. 

"I'm sorry, I just...I don't feel safe," they said almost under their breath, and Ezra shook his head quickly. 

"Don't apologise. I...I know how you feel, sweetheart," he soothed, pushing the door to the men's room open and letting AJ lead the way. They got a good few odd looks from the men at the sink and urinals, but Ezra stuck close to them, slipping into the stall next to the one they chose so he could wait for them without getting stared at. 

As soon as he heard the toilet next door flush, he slipped out of his stall and smiled at AJ comfortingly as they flinched away from him, then looked up and relaxed as recognition filled their eyes. 

"Hey," Ezra murmured, and AJ smiled, following him to the sinks. They both washed and dried their hands, then slipped out of the bathroom together, shoulders brushing as they walked. 

"You okay?" Ezra asked after a moment, as they stepped off the last of the stairs side by side. 

"A bit anxious, a guy was staring at me a lot in there, but I'll be okay." 

"Okay. Are you hungry? I want...I want to spend more time with you," Ezra admitted softly, and AJ smiled, leaning over to kiss his cheek. 

"I'll drive you, let's go back to yours. I'll drive slow this time, I promise." 

Taking a deep breath, Ezra managed a nod, trying to shove down the rising panic. "Okay. I have to be up early for a class tomorrow, so you can't stay, unfortunately, but-" 

"I know, it's okay," AJ said quickly, flashing him a bright smile. "I just want to spend as much time with you as possible while Michael is letting me off work."

"Me too," Ezra smiled, taking their hand and squeezing tightly, then following them out into the dark street and all the way to the car park in happy, easy silence. 

The contentment faded, however, when Ezra saw the car. The 'Bentley.'

He swallowed as he remembered having been in it before, his chest starting to rise and fall a little quicker, his heart pounding. 

"Ezra? Angel, it's okay," AJ said softly, and Ezra found himself gently guided back up against the car, AJ's hands in his hair as they kissed his forehead. "I'm right here," they murmured, hands sliding down over his cheeks, their lips on the tip of his nose. Ezra managed a shaky smile, his eyes slipping closed as AJ pulled him into a gentle hug, their fingers curling against his back. 

"I'll take it easy, I promise," they soothed, and Ezra nodded slightly, taking a slow breath before starting to pull away from them carefully. 

"It's not just you, I get...I get anxious with everyone," he admitted quietly, and AJ nodded, their golden eyes fixed on his and wide with worry. 

"That's okay, I understand. We can take our time." 

Ezra forced a smile. "I'd rather get it over with." 

"Then we can do that," AJ chuckled, their smile warming Ezra's chest, making him feel just a little better as they kissed his cheek again and gently pushed his shoulder. "Go on, get in." 

His smile a little easier, Ezra pulled on a lock of AJ's hair lightly - nowhere near hard enough to hurt - then got into the car, trying to focus on the fact that they were beside him instead of where he was as they got in behind the wheel and started the car. 

Ezra twitched and AJ leaned over, kissing his cheek before pulling out of the parking space. Gritting his teeth, Ezra grabbed at his seatbelt, clinging on tightly, and felt a hand on his knee. He slapped it away hurriedly, his heart pounding once again, feeling as if it was crawling up his throat. 

"Watch the road!" He snapped, and AJ didn't respond, just nodding slightly as they drove out of the car park slowly, their hand going to the gear stick and hesitating. They accelerated much more slowly than usual, glancing at Ezra and biting their bottom lip before easing the rather sad little car into second. 

"You're okay. I promise," AJ said softly, but Ezra was already close to tears, his eyes squeezed shut. AJ sighed and leaned over, turning the CD player on before switching to third, keeping the music at a low volume. 

"There's a um...an AUX cable," they suggested after a moment, and Ezra jumped slightly, then grabbed for it hurriedly, plugging his phone in and starting some calming music to focus on. His fingers curled against the tops of his thighs, his body braced as AJ came to the first roundabout. They looked carefully, then eased out into a big gap, changing into second smoothly and making it around the roundabout with no incidents. 

Ezra began to relax slightly, knowing the busiest roundabout between the cinema and home was now behind them. AJ shot him a glance, then sighed again and shifted in their seat just as  _ Walkin' Back To Georgia  _ came on over the car's old, crackly speakers. 

"Ohh, I love this song," AJ breathed, smiling to themself and starting to sing along softly, their voice becoming stronger and more confident as Ezra just stared at them. 

It was the best distraction he could have asked for, watching the streetlights flash in their golden eyes, gazing at the smile on their face as they sang, painted lips forming the words with ease. They had the most beautiful singing voice Ezra had ever heard, rich in tone and perfectly pitched, with just a touch of expert vibrato. And they were singing one of Ezra's favourite songs. 

It made him want to cry, it was so simply perfect and sweet and he wanted to record it and listen to it constantly. 

Sniffing a bit, Ezra looked back down at his phone and quickly selected a song to play next -  _ Wildflowers _ by Tom Petty. AJ glanced at him, then smiled to themself and kept driving, the song ending and leaving a few seconds of silence between the two of them before they began to sing again softly. 

Ezra let his head tip back against the headrest and just watched them, eyes half-lidded, his body finally relaxed. The light changed, neon lights briefly staining AJ's skin pink, then yellow before fading away. 

_ You belong among the wildflowers  _

_ You belong somewhere close to me  _

_ Far away from your trouble and worry  _

_ You belong somewhere you feel free _

Ezra wiped a tear off his cheek hurriedly, turning away to stare out of the window instead. AJ broke off, their voice soft when they spoke again. 

"It's alright, Ezra. I'm being careful," they soothed, and he nodded, dragging his hand down over his eyes. 

"I know," he mumbled, looking down at his phone again and taking a deep, shuddering breath in. "I'm okay." 

"Do you have any Bob Dylan?" 

"I have spotify," Ezra replied quietly, and AJ nodded, smiling to themself. 

"Could you play  _ Love Minus Zero?  _ It's okay if not, I just...I like that one." 

Ezra managed a smile despite everything, despite how heavy his heart was, how much his hands still shook with anxiety. "Sure," he mumbled, finding it and setting it playing. He tipped his head back against the headrest again, letting out a soft sigh as he realised how grateful he was that AJ hadn't asked to hear  _ Knockin' On Heaven's Door.  _ He wasn't sure if he could've survived hearing them sing that. 

They arrived at Ezra's building before the song finished, and AJ parked carefully, looking over at him and smiling nervously. "Was that better?" 

Ezra managed a shaky smile and nodded while undoing his seatbelt. "Much, but I...I still don't feel good," he mumbled, and AJ leaned over, kissing his cheek quickly. 

"I understand. Let's go have a nice cuddle," they suggested, and he nodded again, getting out of the car hurriedly and fumbling in his pocket for his keys. AJ locked the car and followed him quickly, their arm slipping around his waist, their head tilting towards him slightly as they walked, letting go as soon as he reached the door so he could unlock it. 

Then Ezra grabbed their hand, towed them inside the building, and gently pushed them in front of him, laughing as he slapped them square on the ass with both hands. AJ squealed with laughter and turned, pulling him into a quick, deep kiss and shoving him up against the wall, pinning him with their hips, their hair brushing Ezra's cheeks as he kissed them back just as passionately, too caught up in the moment to even be surprised. It just felt so good, everything he wanted, their body heavy against his, and he gave in to the desire, his hand sliding up and his fingers bunching in their hair. AJ gasped softly, making a sound that came dangerously close to a moan before pulling away hurriedly and blushing, biting their lip hard. 

Ezra grinned and took their hand again, unlocking his door and pulling them inside. AJ giggled, tripping a bit before crouching down to slip their shoes off, then grabbing at Ezra needily, gently pushing him towards the bedroom. He obliged happily, leading them down the hall and into his room. As soon as the door was shut behind AJ, they were on his bed, laying back on their elbows, their smile bright and genuine as they gazed at Ezra. 

"Are you coming?" 

"Of course," he chuckled, a blush rising disregarded to his cheeks. "Just admiring the view for a moment." 

AJ grinned and Ezra walked over, sitting down on the edge of the bed and then glancing at them worriedly. 

"You don't mind if I uh...take my prosthesis off, right?" 

AJ blinked in shock, then shook their head quickly. "No, angel. Do whatever's most comfortable for you," they said softly, and he nodded, getting up again and slipping his jeans off. He replaced them with his usual shorts and sat down again to take his prosthesis off, finally setting it aside and grabbing his phone. He set one of his more quiet playlists on over his bluetooth speaker as background noise, then crawled onto the bed, grinning at AJ as he leaned over them. 

"I love this song," AJ breathed softly, laying back against the pillows as Ezra just stared at them, feeling as if his heart would burst, so full with his appreciation of their beauty and his pure, needy love for them. They just looked so content and pretty, freckles scattered like stars on their skin, their eyes glowing with happiness and the dim, yellow light of the lamp on Ezra's desk. Their smile showed a little flash of their teeth, fading ever so slightly as they kept looking at Ezra, apparently as preoccupied with him as he was with them. 

"In starlit nights I saw you, so cruelly you kissed me," AJ sang so softly they almost whispered the lyrics, and Ezra ducked, his lips meeting theirs, slow at first, then speeding up, his hands finding theirs and gently pinning them beside their head, fingers lacing. 

AJ moaned again, this time loud enough that there was no way it could be mistaken for a sigh, but still sounding genuine and breathy as they pulled Ezra deeper, their body rolling under his, searching for him. 

Ezra obliged, lips parting from theirs ever so briefly. "Colour?" 

"Green," AJ gasped, eyes still closed, their mouth open, lips wet and pink, so,  _ so  _ inviting. Ezra's hand slid down as he gave in again, stroking, fingertips running over their ribs, their hip, then hesitating. "May I?" 

A nod, and Ezra's hand slid inwards, gentle and slow, then caressing, massaging. Back arching, AJ moaned again, just a soft sound in the back of their throat, hips rocking into Ezra's hand, and he squeezed a little tighter, his lips finding their neck. He gave them a few open-mouthed, gentle kisses, then suddenly realised they'd gone very still. 

"AJ?" 

Ezra withdrew quickly, looking down at his partner and wincing as he propped himself up. Their eyes were still closed, their expression completely blank. They didn’t seem panicked, and for a moment, Ezra thought maybe they’d passed out. 

“AJ?” He tried uncertainly, gently laying a hand on their shoulder and giving it a light shake. AJ’s eyes opened slowly, sluggishly, but they seemed unfocused, distant, as if they were looking at him from a very long way away. Ezra swallowed hard, a heavy little ball of guilt and worry forming in his stomach, making his hands shake ever so slightly. “Sweetheart? Are you okay?” He asked frantically, and they blinked, but didn’t answer at all, their eyes still completely blank. 

Getting more and more concerned by the second, Ezra began to look them over hurriedly, his fingers trembling against their skin as he checked their pulse and breathing and tried to find any kind of cause for their sudden unresponsiveness. After a moment, AJ began to move again, very slowly at first. Their hand came up to Ezra’s wrist while he had his fingers against their neck, their grip closing weakly around his arm. 

“AJ?” Ezra gasped, but they still weren’t really looking at him, their gaze not only distant, but now seeming to be pointed some six inches to the left of Ezra’s head. Their other hand found his side, their eyes slipping closed as they began to pull themself up, arms closing around his neck, trying to hug him. Confused and still slightly frightened, Ezra gently began to pull AJ off him, their grip still too weak to resist him as he very carefully laid them back down on the bed. 

“AJ, talk to me, sweetheart. Please,” he begged softly, his nose stinging, threatening tears as AJ opened their eyes again, blinking as if trying to focus on him, but still struggling to do so. They were still for a moment, then reached out again, making a soft noise in the back of their throat as they hugged Ezra’s neck, clinging on a little stronger this time. Ezra sighed and gave in, very carefully shifting so he was laying on his side next to AJ, their body very slowly pressing to his, their position changing so they had one arm around his waist, their face very firmly buried in his chest. 

Still worried and somewhat frightened, Ezra hugged AJ loosely, not wanting to touch them too much in case it made them worse somehow, but still sensing that they needed some kind of comfort. “AJ, I need you to at least tell me if you’re okay,” he prompted quietly, keeping his voice as firm as he possibly could, in spite of his mounting anxiety. “Do I need to call a doctor?”

AJ pressed closer to him, their grip on him tightening slightly, their head giving the smallest little shake. Ezra sighed again deeply, trying to think through the fog of panic and guilt, his fingertips pressing against AJ’s warm back lightly, his whole body overwhelmed with the feeling of their skinny, angular form fitting so neatly against his own soft curves. It was normally a good feeling, but now, with them clinging to him so needily, so silently, it felt like too much. He wanted to lay them down and check every inch of their skin for any injuries, he didn’t want to be cuddling with them like this, it felt wrong. But he couldn’t bear to pry them off him, either. 

After a minute or two, Ezra tried again, tightening his grip on them ever so slightly while he spoke. “AJ...I need to know you’re okay, please,” he murmured softly, knowing he was pleading now, tears choking him again, threatening to overflow and pour down his cheeks. “Are you okay?” He begged, desperate for some kind of answer, hating himself for apparently having done something to hurt them. He didn’t know what he’d done, but it must have been  _ something.  _

At last, AJ gave a small nod, pressing closer to Ezra, their fingers curling in the fabric of his shirt, holding onto him tightly. Relieved beyond belief, he clutched them against his chest, burying his face in their hair and letting out a quiet sigh as their fingers relaxed against his back, no longer needy, but calmer, more satisfied. 

“I love you,” Ezra murmured after a moment or two, and AJ let out the softest little sigh, their body relaxing even further. Before, they’d been limp, but now they were comfortable, actually  _ relaxed, _ and Ezra was pleasantly surprised that he could tell the difference. At least they seemed to be okay, that was all he cared about.

A few long minutes passed, silent apart from their mixed breathing, and the occasional rustle of sheets when Ezra shifted position. AJ didn’t react to much at all, just laying there and soaking up Ezra’s warmth, but eventually, they began to gently untangle themself from him. Ezra let go immediately, wanting to hold them now, wanting to keep them pressed to his chest and safe, but knowing that if they needed space, he had to give it to them as painlessly as possible. 

Fortunately, AJ didn’t go very far, simply pulling away from Ezra far enough to rest their head on the pillow and face him. They still seemed to be moving slowly, but their eyes were much less distant now, focusing on Ezra’s worried blue gaze as their eyebrows furrowed ever so slightly. 

“Did I scare you?” AJ asked very quietly, their voice soft and small and almost childish. 

Ezra nodded, sniffling as he reached out carefully and rested a hand on their cheek, cradling their warm skin protectively. “Just a bit,” he admitted, ignoring the slightly hoarse quality to his voice. 

AJ sighed, nodding slightly and letting their hand come to rest on his wrist, their thumb stroking back and forth over his skin. "I'm sorry, I know it's a bit...weird. I just...sometimes I go somewhere else, you know? As a safety net, but I...I don't have complete control over it," they mumbled, and Ezra managed a small smile, moving just slightly closer to them. 

"It's not your fault...I'm just upset because I'm not feeling great," he admitted, slipping his hand from their cheek and resting it on their side again, still feeling guilty and anxious, despite the fact that AJ’s voice was getting stronger already. "I'm sorry I made you-" 

"You didn't make anything happen, it just...happens sometimes," AJ soothed, reaching for his hand again and taking it, lacing their fingers tightly. "You were doing great, asking before everything and making sure I was okay, and I was, but...but my brain flipped the switch, and I...went somewhere else." 

"Can we cuddle again?" Ezra mumbled shakily, and AJ simply nodded, managing a small, still slightly shaky smile. 

"Of course, angel. I can't think of anything better. I promise I'm okay, yeah? And there's nothing you could have done differently, I enjoyed it a lot,” they murmured, shifting carefully, their movements a little slow as they cuddled up to his chest once more, burying their face in his shirt and wrapping their arm around him tightly. Ezra let out a deep, relieved sigh, just as AJ’s leg brushed his residual limb and caused him to tense briefly, expecting them to jerk away or be disgusted somehow. But AJ didn't react at all, except to nuzzle closer to him contentedly, their fingers briefly curling against his back before relaxing again. 

"You're so perfect to cuddle," AJ mumbled, and Ezra closed his eyes, wishing he didn't have to go to uni so he could spend all night with AJ snugly wrapped up in his arms. 

"Can I ask you something?" Ezra murmured, and AJ nodded, not moving except to tighten their grip on his waist contentedly. "You said you...go somewhere else. Where is it?" 

AJ went still for a moment, even their breathing hitching, then their body pressed even closer into Ezra's, their fingers curling in his shirt. "It's not really like...like flashbacks. I get those when I panic, but in sexual situations, I just...I tend to just tune out and think about something else. Like what I need to do tomorrow or whether I have enough money for rent." 

"Can I ask what it was this time?" Ezra pressed gently, and AJ sighed, hesitating for a moment. 

"I was thinking about the song and then about...about what I would do if I asked you to stop and you didn't." 

"I...I wouldn't, I-" Ezra said hurriedly, choking a bit on the words, his hand quickly finding AJ's hair and stroking slowly, his grip on them shifting into protective rather than just comforting. 

"I know," AJ soothed, their hand running over his chest, tracing patterns on his skin through his shirt. "It's just what I'm used to having to think about. I...I want to have sex with you, Ezra," they added softly, causing Ezra's heart to stop in his chest very briefly. "I do want that. But I think it's still too early, and I need to stop thinking that we're going to have sex. We're just...having fun right now." 

"Of course, we...I'm not really ready," Ezra said quickly, and squeezed AJ gently. "I...I'm a bit.." he swallowed hard. "I'm apprehensive of having sex with someone with a penis," he admitted shakily, biting his lip hard. "I had a bad experience a long time ago, and...and I'm open to it, obviously, I just...I need more time to get to know you and...well, have some more fun to get to know your body before we try any...for want of a better word, 'proper' sex. If that reassures you at all." 

"It does," AJ murmured, their tone taking on that warmth that Ezra associated with their smile. "You'll tell me when that changes, right?" 

"Of course. We'll have lots of these conversations, I promise," Ezra hummed, squeezing them one more time. 

"Good," AJ sighed softly, their hand returning to Ezra's back, fingertips trailing up and down his spine. "Can I ask you something now, since you got a question?" 

Ezra snorted, but nodded, loosening his grip slightly when they shifted, wriggling around to get more comfortable. "Mhm." 

"On the way home, you were crying," AJ said very quietly, their hand going still for a moment. "And I wanted to know why. It wasn't just about being in a car, was it?" They asked, their tone soft, but knowing, their hand beginning to move again slowly, soothing Ezra as he tried to figure out how to answer this. 

"Well...I was already feeling a bit shaken, cause of the car thing," he began slowly, running his fingers through AJ's hair to give himself a slight distraction. "And you...you were singing my favourite songs in such a beautiful way, and you looked so pretty...I feel so grateful to have you. But at the same time...I worry about you a lot. And hearing you sing a song about...about being free, I.." Ezra trailed off, then sighed, trying to push away his worries about AJ getting offended and focus on being honest about his emotions. "I wish you could be here with me and feel free all the time. Free from your work, from your injuries, from...everything." 

AJ didn't say anything for a bit, but when they lifted their head at last, they went straight in for a kiss, their tear-salted lips on Ezra's, their hands on his cheeks, fingertips pressing into his skin needily. 

Ezra stirred about an hour later, causing the sleepy AJ to let out a soft groan. 

"I know," Ezra sighed quietly, his voice a little hoarse from disuse as he rolled onto his side. AJ grunted, sliding off his chest and cuddling up to him instead, their arm slipping under his shirt to seek out even more warmth. Chuckling softly, Ezra slowly sat up, and this time AJ cursed him quietly, almost under their breath. 

"Hmm? I didn't catch that," he prompted, grinning to himself tiredly as he looked down at his partner, their face buried in the pillow. 

"Bastard," AJ muttered, muffled by the pillow, but still audible. Ezra just stroked their hair, then leaned down and kissed their temple. 

"Come on. I'll make you some tea and walk you to your car." 

"No." 

"No?" 

"M'not leaving," AJ grumbled, and Ezra ran his hand down their back before scooting to the edge of the bed to put his prosthesis back on. 

"Then you can get up at seven with me so you can leave before I go to uni, does that sound good?" 

"I hate you." 

Ezra snorted and shook his head, running his fingertip along the base of one of AJ's tight-covered feet. They immediately squealed and tried to jerk away, causing Ezra to laugh as they rolled over and pouted at him. 

"Tickles," they protested, and he offered them his hand. 

"You're a baby," Ezra teased, and AJ flipped him off, sitting up and shaking their hair out before slowly moving towards Ezra. Smiling, he caught their chin in one gentle hand and kissed them softly, feeling them smile into it and pulling them a little deeper. 

All too soon, AJ broke away, standing up hurriedly and stretching their back. "Mm, I'll skip the tea, thank you," they announced quietly. "It was a lovely offer, but if I don't go in the next two minutes, I never will." 

Ezra chuckled and stood up beside them, kissing their cheek and opening the bedroom door for them. "Okay, sweetheart. I'll still walk you out." 

"Good." 

Ezra followed them into the hall, watching them slip their coat and shoes on, grabbing his own coat and keys before slipping out of the door with them. Their hands found one another, fingers lacing, Ezra's thumb stroking over AJ's slowly. 

"Are you feeling okay?" He asked them quietly as they left the building, the chilly night air making them both feel suddenly awake. 

"Yeah, a little tired," AJ smiled, following Ezra around the corner to the little tucked-away car park. "My cuts are healing well, though, and I'm...I've been feeling a lot better since being with you more." 

"I'm glad," Ezra answered sincerely, stopping beside AJ's car and giving a soft sigh. "Can I call you tomorrow? On my lunch break?" 

"Please do," AJ hummed, turning to hug him, squeezing him tightly. Ezra buried his face in their hair, cherishing the feeling of their body against his, of holding them in his arms. They pulled away first, tugging him down into a quick kiss before turning away to open the car door. 

"I'll see you soon," Ezra said quickly, and AJ nodded, flashing him a slightly sad smile. 

"Bye, angel." 

Ezra watched them drive off, and quietly went back inside, feeling painfully alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! I hope you liked this chapter, plus the added art!   
> I just have to give a warning, the next chapter is fairly intense, so keep an eye out for the more detailed warnings when it goes up. It's probably the most psychologically violent so far, so if you think you need an edited version or more details, please let me know! My contact information is in my profile <3<3  
> Hope you're all well and staying safe!


	23. Chapter Twenty Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ***WARNING***  
> This chapter contains: financial abuse, non-consensual bondage, panic/intense fear, threats, transphobia (a very hefty dose of it, includes t and f slurs), choking, intense degradation, knives, forced orgasm, sexual and psychological torture, and rape. 
> 
> If you need more information, please let me know - my contact info is in my profile!   
> I'm also doing two double updates this week, I'm going to be updating today (Friday), Saturday, Monday, and Tuesday, just so you're aware. The last of the updates on Tuesday will end on a happier note, but the angst arc isn't entirely resolved until chapter 29.

The next morning, AJ woke up fairly late, groaning softly to themself as they rolled over and picked up their phone. 

_ Angel, 7:29  _

_ Miss you already xx  _

AJ smiled and let out a soft sigh, scrolling down and immediately scowling. "Fuck." 

_ Michael, 10:58  _

_ Since you're not seeing Gabriel anymore, you're going to have to start working your arse off. You've got an appointment at 1 today, usual hotel, under the name of Anderson. I'm going to take an 80% cut this time to make up for your short shift the other day, the client has already paid me. I'll give you the cash when you come into work tonight.  _

AJ sighed and sat up, glancing at their bedside clock. It was nearly eleven thirty, which meant they didn't have much time to get showered and ready. They rolled their eyes and looked down at their phone again, texting back a simple OK to Michael before tapping on their conversation with Ezra. 

_ AJ, 11:26  _

_ Hey, Michael is making me work when we're supposed to be calling. But I'll see you at work tonight xxx  _

Once the text sent, AJ got up and wandered down the hall, shutting the bathroom door behind them before turning the shower on. They waited for the spray to get hot, then stepped under it, shaking their hair out as water streamed through it. It felt good, getting clean, even if their thoughts were occupied with Michael. 

They didn't like the way she'd been acting lately, bossing them around so much, getting nosy about how much they were making in tips. When AJ had started at the club, it had felt like freedom. They'd been allowed to pretty much work their own hours, pick up clients however they wanted, and perform their own routines. Compared to the pimp they'd started with, it had been a dream come true. But more and more Michael was reminding them of their original boss, especially now that she was demanding a cut of the profits and holding back their money until after they'd done the job. AJ had been stung so many times in those two years on the streets, with their boss just flat out refusing to pay them even after they'd spent hours with a client, and they really, really hated the way Michael was acting. It felt like being pulled back into their past, transformed back into that scared kid willing to do anything to eat. 

Michael loved to tout that over them, to say that she'd 'saved' them by taking a barely-legal hooker from their pimp and turning them into one of her 'little performers.' It hadn't taken much to convince AJ back then - after all, it was better than working the street, and she'd set them up to live with Bea and told them she was doing them a favour, an act of charity. 

AJ wondered if they just weren't cute enough anymore. Eighteen-year-old AJ had been able to bat their eyelashes winsomely and get whatever they'd wanted, but it didn't work anymore. Not that they'd tried it in a few years, though - maybe that was the problem. They had too much pride now. 

AJ rinsed the shampoo from their hair, then reached for the conditioner, combing it through their long locks with their fingers. At least they'd get to see Ezra later. 

Every time they saw him lately, all they wanted to do was kiss all over his face and hug him until they both fell asleep. It was just so easy to want to touch him, he was so touchable and soft and sweet. And gentle. The gentlest person AJ had ever met, in fact - his touches always felt so careful and thought out, and he was always checking in on them, which was something they'd never had with anyone else. 

And those eyes...AJ could think about those eyes all day, so soft and light and full of love. They always lit up so much when he smiled, his gaze so genuine and caring when AJ was upset or he was worried. It was breathtaking, looking at him. Sometimes AJ thought it might overwhelm them, that their heart would just give out, but it never did. 

AJ picked up the soap and began to wash themself off slowly, allowing their mind to wander and imagine that Ezra was the one running the bar over their skin, his soft lips on their shoulder. They wrapped their arms around themself and leaned back slightly, imagining Ezra's strong arms around their waist, his chest warm and solid behind them. 

The soap slipped from AJ's fingers and they sighed, leaning down to pick it up quickly. They finished washing themself hurriedly and stepped out of the shower, wrapping their hair in a towel before slinging a second around their hips and heading back to their room. 

It didn't take them long to blow-dry their hair, and they only did minimal makeup, so they were soon getting dressed, humming to themself as they tugged on a pair of basic jeans and a crop top. They hadn't been told what to wear, so they decided that something comfortable and easy to take off would be best. 

By the time they were fully ready to leave, Ezra had texted back, so they picked up their phone and smiled to themself as they read what he'd written. 

_ Angel, 12:18 _

_ That's okay, sweetheart! Take care of yourself, and I'll see you tonight xx looking forward to it xx _

AJ rolled their eyes fondly at the amount of kisses, then tucked their phone in their pocket, grabbed their wallet and keys, and slipped out of their room. 

* * *

AJ got to the hotel a little late thanks to heavy traffic, so they headed straight up the stairs and unlocked the door. They took a deep breath and prepared themself to let go of their emotions. The meetup was at one, it was quarter to now, which meant they had to hurry if they wanted to get the room sorted and themself ready. Another deep sigh and they opened the door, slipping inside and freezing. They whipped around and grabbed at the door handle, but Michael was faster, slamming the door and leaning against it. 

"You're going to do what you're told for once," she hissed, flicking the lock on the door before lunging for AJ, who was too shocked to move. Michael grabbed their wrists, yanking them behind their back, and cuffed them quickly, before AJ could summon the presence of mind to even attempt to struggle. 

"Sit," Michael barked, shoving AJ backwards and sending them stumbling into the bed, sitting down on the edge of it heavily. A tall figure stepped around in front of them, the same figure that had sent a bolt of dread down their spine when they’d first entered the room. 

"Good afternoon, Anthony," Gabriel grinned, green eyes full of false friendliness as he grabbed the chair from in front of the desk and dragged it around so he could sit in front of AJ, just a few feet away. 

AJ didn't bother to glance at Michael. She was standing with her arms crossed, completely impassive, uncaring, and besides, she'd already betrayed their trust, betrayed their very safety. 

"Look at what I have here," Gabriel smiled, his voice dangerously soft and calm. Nothing good ever came of Gabriel being so pointedly calm. 

Back when they'd first known him, AJ had been so young, so naive. He'd seemed safe and kind and charming, all the things that had drawn them to him at the beginning now only reminding them of what he was, what he'd done to them. Rage built in AJ's stomach, but it was kept caged, as always, by their fear, the absolute terror that one day, Gabriel would tire of them and would lose his temper. They'd seen him angry, and it was not a pretty sight, not at all. The thought of him going on a rage-fuelled rampage made AJ shiver, their heart beating faster against their ribcage. 

Gabriel swatted AJ on the forehead with the big brown envelope in his hands. 

"Pay attention!" 

Michael snorted with laughter and AJ found room in themself for a little pocket of new hatred. 

They bit back the apology before it could slip out, but Gabriel didn't seem to notice. He was too busy opening the envelope. 

"Hmm, what do we have here? You know, Michael brought me all this stuff," he grinned, reaching into the envelope and pulling out a small sheath of paper. 

AJ swallowed as Gabriel held up the first sheet. 

"Oh, look at this. A financial statement from the university? Who's name is that? Ezra Fell?" 

Cold dread filled AJ in a split second, causing them to almost gag, fear making them suddenly nauseous as they stared wild-eyed at the paper.

"Hmm, yeah," Gabriel smiled, letting the paper slip from his fingers and drop to the floor. "Ooh, look at this one! An acceptance letter for an internship. This one looks great, Michael," he chuckled, holding it up to show AJ again and tapping the name at the top. 

"Dear Mr. Fell...it sounds so formal, doesn't it?" Gabriel purred, letting the copied letter fall again. "Ohh, there's so much here," he added quietly, flicking through the papers carefully. "Did you know he had a rap sheet?" 

Gabriel pulled this out, waving it in front of AJ's eyes. "Arrested at a protest for assaulting an officer, hmm? I bet Mr. Fell never told you about that one." 

The paper joined the others on the floor and AJ swallowed, doing their best not to show how absolutely, utterly  _ terrified _ they were. 

"I-I don't understand, why are you talking to me about the bartender? I've talked to him, but he's just a colleague," AJ lied, trying to sound casual, and, judging by the look on Gabriel's face, completely failing. 

The anger broke through that calm outer surface for a moment, and then he smiled. He reached into the envelope again and pulled out a stack of photographs. 

"You can leave us now, Michael," Gabriel said quietly, without looking away from AJ. 

With great force of willpower, AJ managed to stop themself from glancing to Michael for help, even as she hesitated slightly. 

"Are you su-" 

"Yes, I've paid you enough for four hours, so why would I want you to stay?" Gabriel snapped, and Michael nodded, slipping out and closing the door behind her with a soft click. 

Gabriel leaned forward, holding out a picture of AJ, their fingers intertwined with Ezra's. He let it drop, then held out another, of them hugging in the club parking lot. Picture after picture flashed past their eyes, of them in restaurants, at museums, outside the club. The last one was the worst, though. 

As soon as Gabriel held up the photo, AJ recognised the park bench as the one they'd sat on with Ezra after their little mini golf surprise date, their memory helped along by the image printed in ink - AJ's fingers in Ezra's hair as they kissed. 

Gabriel ripped the photo in half and AJ jumped, clenching their jaw as fear tore through them all over again, causing them to struggle against the handcuffs desperately, wincing as the metal dug into their wrists. "No! H-he paid!" AJ cried out shakily, but Gabriel was already shaking his head, getting up and walking around behind them. 

AJ could only just hear the shuffling of papers above the sound of their heart pounding in their ears, the handcuff chain jingling as their hands shook. "Hmm, another little thing here. An account statement. Nevermind how we got that," he added with a soft chuckle. "No big cash withdrawals. How would he be paying you? Do you take checks now?" 

AJ squeezed their eyes shut, the tears welling up in their throat as they tried to force their scared and shaken mind to think up some way to wriggle out of this. Gabriel's footsteps sounded loud even on the carpeted floor as he slowly walked back around in front of them. 

"And a gender recognition certificate. How interesting. His medical records, once again, I can't tell you how I got those," Gabriel hummed, once again with that little laugh as if he'd just heard an inside joke. "But they say he's a cripple. Oh, and he's been on T for a good few years now. Only one surgery, though." 

"I-it's not like that, h-he-" AJ tried one more time, but this time, Gabriel lunged, his fingers curling around AJ's jaw, flinging them down against the bed with a snarl, his hand sliding to their throat before they could recover from the shock. Gabriel quickly moved to straddle them, 

both hands around their throat this time, thumbs pressing into their skin. AJ writhed under him, feeling his thumbs pressing deeper and deeper, their chest heaving again and again until their air supply was completely cut off. They tried to push him off, tried to kick at him, but he was far too heavy and strong for them to shift. 

"Can't get away, can you?" Gabriel taunted, his rage melting into a nasty smirk and making AJ shudder in disgust. They could feel their heartbeat slowing again, their vision clouding, and Gabriel let up just enough for them to stay conscious, their lungs still burning, their chest tight. "Good. You've been a bad little whore, running around, kissing boys who don't pay you," he purred, his voice causing nausea to rise in the pit of AJ's stomach, their hands shaking slightly where they were pinned to the bed. "Another fucking tranny," Gabriel spat, the gentleness of his previous sentence dropping away to reveal once again that fury and hatred. "It's obvious why you're still sleeping around for money, you'll never be satisfied without a good, thick cock up your arse, will you? Hmm? You stupid fucking whore!" 

AJ whimpered, still just focused on breathing as deeply as they could every time Gabriel let up enough, unable to even try to struggle anymore. 

Gabriel chuckled in sadistic satisfaction and leaned back, one hand still pinning AJ by the throat, the other reaching behind him to unbutton and unzip their jeans. AJ jerked wildly, but Gabriel just casually pressed down harder on their throat, until they were sure they were about to pass out. 

"No, you don't get to escape that easy," Gabriel laughed, his voice sounding far away to AJ's terror-filled mind. Something glinted in the light and AJ was suddenly very present, what was left of their mind focused entirely on the knife edge. Gabriel let go of their throat and they gasped desperately, eyes still locked on the knife as he moved it down. Their breath drew in sharply, the cold blade against their neck, right over their throat. 

"Hold still, or I'll... _ amputate _ something," Gabriel grinned meaningfully, and AJ went very still, closing their eyes tight against the fear and dread. They could feel their jeans being ripped off, their legs pressed to their chest, but in their mind, all they could see was the knife, silver and shining and so oddly beguiling. 

Something cold prodded at them, then slid inside, and Gabriel laughed again. "You take it up the arse so well, hmm? Such a slutty little faggot whore. I bet you're loving this, aren't you?" 

AJ didn't say anything, they didn't move, they barely breathed. A click sounded rather loud in the almost silent room, and the vibrator pushed up against their prostate turned on, causing them to jerk and grit their teeth, refusing to give Gabriel the satisfaction of hearing them moan. 

"Ohh, look at you," Gabriel crooned, reaching out lazily and wrapping his hand around their length. "Starting to get hard already, I guess someone likes their degrading dirty talk." 

Then his other hand shot out and slapped them hard across the cheek, leaving their skin stinging for almost a minute afterwards. "Watch," he snapped, his voice so full of angry authority that AJ couldn't help but open their eyes, feeling sick to their stomach when they saw the way he was stroking them. He clicked the button again and AJ jolted as the pleasure spiked, their jaw beginning to ache with the effort of clenching it against the moans and the nausea. 

"You're going to cum for me," Gabriel said flatly, his voice commanding and cold, completely devoid of emotion. "And then you're going to tell me that you don't love this...Ezra," he went on, the anger seeping back in, dripping from his words as he snarled Ezra's name. A flash of unaccustomed rage flared in AJ's chest at the sound of that name on his lips. He wasn't allowed to say it, he wasn't allowed to talk about their angel like that. "You're going to tell me you love me and only me. Understand?"

AJ didn't move, and this time the slap was much harder, enough to make them worried it might bruise. 

"I said, do you understand?" Gabriel roared, and AJ cowered back, whimpering as they nodded, all the resistance draining away in the face of such blatant violence. 

Gabriel grinned suddenly and turned the vibrator up again, causing AJ's back to arch up, their lungs trembling, their whole body shaking as he stroked them hurriedly. The warmth built up in less than a second and AJ was cumming before they could do anything to stop it, spilling over themself and twitching as Gabriel shoved the vibrator up against their prostate, forcing intense pleasure on them even through their orgasm. 

They managed to collapse without making a sound, still twitching slightly, and Gabriel loomed over them, turning the vibrator off, but keeping a hand wrapped around them. 

"Say it," he hissed, and they squeezed their eyes shut, shaking their head ever so slightly. Gabriel tightened his grip, squeezing, his thumbnail digging into the skin at the underside of their tip. 

"Say it." 

AJ squashed a whimper in their throat and swallowed hard, the pressure increasing with every second they didn't answer. Gabriel, apparently frustrated, reached over and grabbed one of their nipples, twisting viciously until they gasped, tears streaming down their cheeks. They didn't trust Gabriel, they knew he'd quite happily flick his wrist and break them in his hand, and he wasn't far off now, so they gave in, hating themself, hating everything. 

"I d-don't love him!" AJ gasped out, forcing down a sob and trying their best to sound strong and unaffected. "I love you a-and only you." 

The lies hurt, everything hurt, but Gabriel was already releasing the pressure, the vibrator turning on inside them just as a wand was pressed to the tip of their cock. AJ cried out, but Gabriel was already kissing them roughly, biting at their lips. 

Every time they tried to check out, to go limp, he'd slap them, keeping them trapped in the present, in that tiny little hotel room, while he stimulated them to two more shameful, hated orgasms. 

Then, without bothering to clean up any of the mess first, Gabriel flipped them over, dragged their hips up, and sank into them without hesitation. AJ whimpered, toes curling, tears streaming down their cheeks, but clenched their jaw, finally able to close their eyes without Gabriel seeing and hitting them. They took a deep breath and tried to step out of the room, out of themselves, to think of Ezra and his light touches, his gentle smile, but all they could hear was their own voice, broken and tearful.  _ I don't love him.  _

It wasn't true, but it didn't matter. They'd said it aloud before they'd said the truth - that although they weren't sure about love quite yet, they did know they wanted to be with him more than they'd ever wanted anything, and that stung. Something about it made them feel even more worthless than usual, even more dirty and disgusting. Unworthy. What was the point of Ezra being with someone who would say they didn't love him, after all? 

Gabriel grunted and grabbed a fistful of AJ's hair, slamming their head into the mattress hard enough to make it difficult to breathe once again, their body struggling against him, his cock bucking deeper and deeper into them. 

"Listen here, you little femboy faggot, if you keep seeing that dumpy, ugly excuse for a human you call a boyfriend, I will personally ruin his internship and his career, do you understand? He'll lose out on the job of his dreams. Because of you. And I want to see you at the same time on Wednesday." 

AJ struggled again, but Gabriel was too caught up in thrusting, his moans filling the room just as he came, fucking his spend into them before pulling out sharply. Slowly, AJ collapsed, falling onto their side on the bed and curling up slightly, too exhausted and out of it to move. Gabriel leaned over and took the handcuffs off, then tucked himself back into his slacks and picked his burner flip phone up from the desk. He took a picture of them curled up on the bed, splattered all over with cum, then leaned over one last time and ruffled AJ's hair affectionately. 

"See you soon." 

The click of the door echoed in AJ's head for a while, their arms moving stiffly, slowly, their hands pressed against their chest, their wrists protected. They closed their eyes and tried to think of happy things. 

* * *

AJ woke very confused and stiff, sitting up and glancing around the empty hotel room. Then they looked down and went numb, their throat closing up at the sight of themself looking so disgustingly used. Wincing, they slid off the bed, taking off their top and dropping it onto the floor as they made their way to the bathroom. 

They turned the shower on immediately, then rolled their eyes and wandered back out of the bathroom, crouching down next to their jeans to pull a hair tie from their pocket. As they walked back to the bathroom, they wound their hair up into a messy bun, securing it with the tie before finally stepping into the shower. 

AJ stared at nothing for a while, then slowly sank down to sit on the floor. They weren't entirely sure if they were crying or not, thanks to the water on their face, but it didn't really matter. 

Slowly, AJ pulled their legs into their chest and hugged them, closing their eyes as they rested their forehead on their knees, the steam from the hot water soothing their raw throat, finally making it easier to breathe. Everything ached, their muscles betraying them, reminding them of everything that had been done to them. But even beyond that, sitting below the cold numbness and slowly rising up to replace it, was a pain that made their very bones ache. 

They could hear their own voice in their ears, sobbing, crying.  _ I don't love him.  _

It was just words. Just words, AJ tried to tell themself, like a child hiding under the bedclothes telling themself it was just a shadow. Just words. 

But if that were true, why did the simple phrase haunt them? After all, they'd never explicitly said that they did love Ezra. 

_ I don't love him. _ AJ closed their eyes, feeling the tears running down their cheeks this time and just ignoring them. Even if the words hadn't technically been a lie, they'd felt like a lie. 

_ I don't love him.  _ It felt like betrayal. Like taking everything Ezra had ever given them, every little touch and kiss and just throwing it away as if it was meaningless. And that  _ hurt.  _ A lot more than the knife ever had - it sliced at AJ's soul, and yet, they still didn't understand. They didn't understand how such a short phrase could make them feel sick to their stomach, why being forced to say it felt worse than anything else Gabriel had ever done. 

_ I don't love him.  _ AJ tried to push it all aside, to think about something else, but it was impossible. All they could think about was that one phrase over and over, an echoing hollowness in their chest, the sheer agony of everything that had just been done to them. 

Lifting their head slowly, AJ glared at the tiles, then sighed and unfolded carefully, using the handle of the shower door to help them up. They reached for the mini soap bar and quickly began to wash themself off, cleaning their body and hair and cleaning again, just to make sure. And then once more, just because it felt good. It felt good to get clean and wash away the traces of Gabriel's touch, of their work. Their skin felt soft and warm under their touch, bringing them back to themself, back to full, true consciousness at last.

Once they were sure they were absolutely clean, AJ slipped out of the shower and wrapped themself in a towel before walking back to the bed and sitting down slowly, hugging themself. Their phone buzzed, making them jump, so they picked it up quickly and unlocked it, opening the text. 

_ Unknown, 15:47 _

_ Another one for the collection ;)  _

As they watched, the next message came in, just the picture of them, curled up on the bed, almost completely naked and covered in their own cum. AJ swallowed hard, forcing the nausea down and quickly going back to their texting app to find a message from Ezra. 

_ Angel, 14:03  _

_ I know you're busy, but I'm on break right now, and I found this cute cat video I thought you'd like. Miss you sweetheart xxx _

AJ tapped on the link with a shaky finger, their eyes filling with tears as they watched the short video. It was too much, knowing that Ezra was thinking about them that much, wanting to show them things and spend time with them. They sniffed and quickly tapped on his contact, then the call button before they could back down. 

By the time they heard the third ring, though, all of AJ's confidence had drained away, and they almost hung up, just as Ezra answered. 

"Hey, magpie. Everything okay?" 

AJ choked, the sound of his gentle voice overwhelming them, making them shudder ever so slightly. "Yeah, I just...miss you." 

"You don't sound okay," Ezra pressed gently, and AJ hugged themself again, bending over slightly as they tried to push away the pain. They closed their eyes for a moment, but that awful picture flashed up in their mind, and they had to force down the nausea all over again. 

"I n-need a break!" They blurted out, and the short silence that followed was deafening, almost as bad as the memory of the stupid picture. 

"What do you mean?" Ezra asked slowly, his voice a little strained. 

"From this," AJ mumbled, ducking their head and drawing their knees up into their chest, protecting themself. "From us, I...I need to go back to being friends for a while. It...I really care for you, my feelings haven't changed, I just...I'm overwhelmed." 

Another torturous silence, and then a soft sigh. "Okay, sweetheart. I...okay. If that's what you need," Ezra answered quietly, and AJ hated themself even more. 

It would somehow have been better if he'd shouted or cried, but this quiet, disappointed acceptance was awful. It just reinforced everything, reminding them that he was far too good for them. 

"I-I'm sorry," AJ whimpered, the tears burning their eyes as they welled up suddenly, spilling over in a fraction of a second. "I'm sorry, Ezra!" 

"Ohh, no, it's okay," Ezra soothed hurriedly, his voice still a bit strained. "Don't cry, sweetheart. It's okay to take your time, I'll be right here waiting for you, alright? And I'll see you in the meantime, right?" 

"Y-yeah," AJ sniffed, trying to wipe the tears off their cheeks and finishing just as another round spilled. "I...I'm sorry!" 

"Stop apologising, magpie," Ezra scolded very gently. "I'm proud of you. I'm obviously disappointed, because...well, because I love you, but you're asserting your boundaries and asking for what you need, and that's very healthy." 

"A-are you sure you're not mad?" AJ whimpered, and Ezra sighed deeply. 

"No, sweetheart. I promise I'm not angry with you. A little sad that you're so scared, but I'm not angry. I love you too much for that," he added with a soft, forced chuckle. 

_ I love you.  _

It hurt. There was no way around that. Hearing those words in his voice, spoken so softly, genuinely, it dug away at AJ's flesh, ripping into their heart, making them tremble slightly as they curled tighter. 

"Okay. I...I'll see you tonight," they choked out, squeezing their eyes shut against the tears. 

"Yeah, see you then, magpie." 

AJ stared at nothing for a bit, then put their phone on the bedside table and crawled in under the covers, curling up and closing their eyes. They felt more exhausted than they had in weeks, and despite everything, they drifted off to sleep almost immediately, sinking into blissful nothingness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm very sorry about this chapter, I know you all are going to hate me for it, but I promise it will get better again! This is probably the most intense chapter in the whole fic, at least for AJ, anyway. But it is exciting because it marks the halfway mark! We're officially halfway through this fic! So I just want to take the chance to thank everyone who keeps commenting, I love you all and I just want you to know that your comments really help me to keep writing and get me through the day when I'm feeling down.   
> <3<3<3


	24. Chapter Twenty Four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter includes: general angst and pining.

Ezra arrived at work perfectly on time, slipping behind the bar and smiling at David before starting to get set up. The other bartender wandered up to him, looking a bit worried. 

"AJ came in looking upset, is everything alright with you two?" He asked quietly, and Ezra glanced at him in surprise.

"What? I didn't think you knew," he said in the same low tone, and David just shrugged. 

"I know them pretty well, and they'd talked to me about you a bit. I put two and two together, that's all." 

Ezra sighed and nodded, starting to wipe down the spotless bar. "They called me this afternoon and said they wanted to take a break, go back to being friends for a while. I think relationship stuff is very overwhelming for them," he mumbled, and David nodded, glancing around as the music started playing. 

"Yeah, I can understand that. Do you think they're okay?" 

"I have no idea. I'm going to try talking to them later," Ezra sighed, busying himself with slicing fruit. "I don't want to make them feel like I'm interrogating them, though." 

"No, that makes sense. You're doing the right thing," David answered, just as the first customer walked over to the bar and he turned away to serve them. 

For the rest of his shift, Ezra kept seeing AJ from a distance - on stage, weaving in and out of the crowd, slipping into private rooms. They seemed busy, so Ezra tried not to think about it too much, but when he saw them in the dressing room just before he finished for the night, he couldn't resist going up to them. 

They were fiddling with their locker, their back to the rest of the room, so Ezra walked over to them slowly, not wanting to scare them. 

"AJ?" 

They jumped anyway and turned, looking at him in surprise. "Oh! Hi," they mumbled, their voice a little hoarse. "I didn't see you." 

"Sorry," Ezra muttered, forcing himself not to look at those beautiful lips, his chest aching with the knowledge that he couldn't touch them or kiss them or hug them. "You um...were really busy tonight," he added quietly, hating himself for being so awkward. 

"Yeah, I made a lot," AJ answered with a faint smile, their voice still soft and raspy. "Are you okay?" 

"Yeah, I'm...I'm fine. Are you? You sound...weird," Ezra murmured, leaning against the locker beside theirs and watching as they folded their clothes carefully. Now that he was paying more attention, he realised that they were wearing heavier makeup than usual, their freckles completely covered.

"I'm fine. Just got a bit of a sore throat," AJ said simply, and Ezra nodded, reaching up hesitantly and fixing an errant lock of flame-red hair. AJ blushed, but didn't push him away, that golden gaze full of some intense emotion Ezra couldn't quite read. 

"I...I'm sorry if I...did anything to upset you," Ezra sighed, more of a question than a statement. AJ winced and shook their head, shutting their locker before glancing around just as another performer slipped in and walked over to their locker, apparently without noticing AJ or Ezra. 

"No, you haven't done anything, I just...I'm struggling a lot at the moment," AJ began slowly, keeping their voice low. "And I really, really like being with you, but it's hard for me. It's all new, and combined with other stuff I've got going on, it's getting to be a bit much." 

"I can help with the other stuff," Ezra tried desperately, and AJ smiled sadly, shaking their head. 

"You can't, angel, but it's okay. I've got to go home, but I'll see you soon, okay?" 

"Oh...yeah. Um. If you give me your locker key, I can clean it for you," Ezra said hurriedly, and AJ gave him an odd look, then reached up into their locker, pulling a spare key down from its hiding place among their clothes. 

"Here. I don't think it needs cleaning, but-" 

"I'll be careful, I promise," Ezra said quickly, and AJ shut the door, clicking the padlock back into place before flashing him a small smile. 

"I trust you." 

Ezra just smiled and waved to them as they grabbed their bag and headed out of the club. Then he sighed and stared at the floor for a moment before straightening up and wandering off to get his own bag. 

He felt so suddenly distant from AJ, like a huge chasm had opened between them, cold and dark and deep. He didn't know what had gone wrong, and he wasn't entirely sure that, even if it had been something he'd done, AJ would tell him. But it felt awful, like not only going all the way back to step one, but also regressing a few steps past that. 

After all, Ezra now knew what he was missing out on. It was no longer entirely fantasy - he knew what hugging AJ felt like, how their lips tasted, the way they liked to be cuddled - but he just couldn't have any of it. He'd come to rely on the knowledge that he'd get a nice little kiss or hug at the end of a long day, that he'd get to see his partner at some point and ask them how they were and run his fingers through their hair. It was as if a crutch he'd been leaning on had been kicked out from under him all at once, leaving him scrambling for balance. 

Ezra sighed to himself and grabbed his stuff, locking up on his way out and beginning the long, lonely walk home. At least he had AJ's locker key now. He had a few ideas for it. 

* * *

The next day, Ezra got on the bus after his internship and smiled to himself, hugging his backpack to his chest. Then he tugged out his phone and unlocked it, biting his lip as he opened a text from AJ. 

_ Magpie, 17:38  _

_ Hey, I was wondering if we could chat on the phone later? I miss you xx  _

His heart swelled, hope making him feel light and slightly shaky as he bit his lip, typing out a quick answer. 

_ Ezra, 17:46  _

_ I'd love that! I miss you too xx I'm on the bus now, I have to run a quick errand, but I could call you on my way home? _

The typing bubble popped up almost immediately and Ezra shifted in his seat, waiting impatiently for AJ to hit send. 

_ Magpie, 17:47  _

_ I have an appointment at six, but I'm free from eight until ten, and then after my shift at the club xx _

_ Ezra, 17:48  _

_ Alright, sweetheart. I'll call you around eight xx  _

_ Magpie, 17:49  _

_ Can't wait xxx _

Ezra stared at his phone for a while, then looked up just in time to press the button for his stop, sighing to himself as the bus began to slow. The way AJ was texting didn't seem like someone who needed a break. They still seemed flirty and sweet, leaving plenty of kisses, even telling him they missed him. It was getting confusing, and Ezra didn't like being confused around them all over again. It had been relatively simple for a while, and he'd gotten rather used to it, which made this all the more infuriating. 

Ezra stood up hurriedly and got off the bus, thanking the driver as he stepped off onto the pavement. It didn't take him long to walk the rest of the way to the club, slipping in through the back entrance. The dressing room was dead silent, so Ezra slipped in, fumbling to find the right key on his keyring. After a moment, he managed to get AJ's padlock undone, slipping it from the door and swinging the locker open. Then he reached into his bag and pulled out a pack of warm, fluffy socks, laying them on top of AJ's clothes so they were nice and obvious. AJ was always complaining about how cold the floors were in the dressing room, and how it felt freezing even when they were wearing tights, so Ezra figured they'd appreciate the socks, especially since he knew they loved fluffy pajamas. On top of the socks, he very carefully laid a small red rose made out of paper, a little inexpertly done, but it had been his first try at making anything so delicate, and he was rather proud of it. He smiled to himself, took a quick picture, and closed the locker door. He made sure to lock it again properly, then hurried back out of the club to start his walk home. 

On the way, he sent the picture he'd taken to Anathema, his walk a little more springy, excited. The thought of AJ opening their locker and seeing the gifts he'd left was giving him new life and energy, despite how tired he was from a long day of classes and staring at old books. 

Anathema texted back almost immediately, telling him that it looked perfect and that AJ would love it, which only made him smile even brighter. 

When he finally reached his building, he unlocked the front door and opened it to see Mrs. Tracy in the hallway, having just come back from the shops, with bags all around her. Ezra hurried over to help, and she looked up at him with a friendly smile. 

"Hello, dear! Oh, thank you, you're such a sweetie," she exclaimed as he picked up the bags for her, just as she opened her door. 

"It's no problem," he said quickly, carrying the bags inside. "Where do you want them?" 

"Oh, just the table there is fine, hon," Mrs. Tracy called out as Ezra wandered into the apartment, carefully setting the bags down on the table in the front room. 

"Would you like a cup of tea, since you're here?" She asked, kicking the door shut behind her and heading into the kitchen without waiting for an answer. Ezra rolled his eyes fondly and followed her, leaning back against the counter with his arms folded over his chest as she bustled around the kitchen happily. 

"How are you doing, anyway?" Mrs. Tracy smiled as she took an elephant-shaped teapot down from the cupboard and popped two teabags into it. Ezra nodded slightly, taking a deep breath. 

"Yeah, I'm okay. Just...tired, very busy," he mumbled, and she turned, her eyes narrowed in a knowing look. 

"You seem upset," she commented, reaching for the kettle and moving over to the sink to fill it. "What's troubling you, hon?" 

Ezra shrugged, taking a deep, slow breath. "Nothing much." 

Mrs. Tracy turned immediately and gently prodded his stomach with one perfectly manicured finger. "You're a filthy liar!" She chuckled, and Ezra couldn't help but smile, looking away from her triumphant smirk. 

"Fine, AJ is...they asked for a break. We were doing really well, um...in a proper relationship and everything, and I spent the night at their apartment, on their couch. But then they just called me up out of the blue and said they wanted to go back to being friends for a while." 

Mrs. Tracy blinked, then shook her head and quickly picked the kettle up off the stand, pouring the boiling water into the teapot. "It sounds like something must have happened. Have you spoken to them since?" 

"Yeah, I saw them at the club," Ezra nodded, looking down at the tiles under his feet and giving a soft sigh. "They seemed...I don't know. Distant. Their voice sounded off, too. But then they texted me today saying they miss me and want to talk on the phone later, so I'm...a bit confused," Ezra admitted with a deep sigh, suddenly feeling a lot better now that he'd gotten it all off his chest and laid the burden down for a while. 

"It sounds like they're confused as well," Mrs. Tracy pointed out gently, putting the top on the teapot and turning back to Ezra, gently taking his hands and giving them a light squeeze. "I don't think they know what they want, hon. It's one thing to want a relationship, and another to know how that feels, how intense it can be for someone not used to affection." 

"I know, I just...I thought it was going well," Ezra sighed, gently pulling his hands from hers to drag them down his face. "Ugghh...I love them. So much, I really do. They're funny and sweet and loving and beautiful, and every time they walk into a room, I just...I feel lighter, but lately...I don't know. I really think they're not telling me something." 

Mrs. Tracy waited until Ezra looked at her again, then shrugged. "Maybe not. But you can't force them to tell you, and you shouldn't try. Just because they're not telling you something, that doesn't mean that they don't genuinely need space, anyway. You need to let them come back to you when they're ready." 

"But why the texts?" Ezra asked desperately, as Mrs. Tracy opened a cupboard and began to take down teacups and saucers. 

"Messages are much easier than physical touch," Mrs. Tracy pointed out gently, placing the cups on a tray, along with a little pot of sugar and a tiny jug for milk. "Especially for someone...in the profession. Physical touching - kissing, hugs, intimacy, all of it has connotations for them, associated memories, difficulties. But texting is a bit safer, does that make sense, hon? They're sending you sweet texts because they do want to be with you, they just can't handle the physical side at the moment. That's my bet, anyway." 

Ezra stared at her for a moment, then shook his head slightly. "How...how are you so good at this stuff?" 

"Experience, my dear," Mrs. Tracy chuckled, adding the teapot to the tray and starting to carry it to the table. Ezra followed, helping her push the bags out of the way so they could sit down together. 

"Tell me more about how it's been going with them. It's nice to hear about young love sometimes," she grinned, and Ezra blushed, looking down at the familiar crochet tablecloth. 

"I don't really know what else to say. We've mostly just cuddled. It's nice to hold them and feel like I'm protecting them. Um...I also took them on a date, to uh...mini golf. They loved it," he added as Mrs. Tracy pulled a face. She laughed and leaned forward, resting her elbow on the table and her chin in her hand. 

"I can't imagine them playing mini golf." 

"We did get a good few stares," Ezra admitted, looking down yet again. "We had a bit of a fight afterwards." 

Mrs. Tracy raised her eyebrows and Ezra sighed, running a hand through his hair. "They were upset because I...well, I hadn't told them about what Michael said and I was hesitant to be really touchy in public, and they thought that I was ashamed of them," he said quietly, watching as Mrs. Tracy began to pour out the tea. 

"Are you?" 

He blinked and shook his head immediately. "No! Of course not, I...it doesn't make a difference to me what people think. It was just because of Michael," Ezra answered hurriedly, and Mrs. Tracy flashed him a small smile, setting the teapot back down carefully. 

"Don't worry, hon, I believe you. I can't imagine you being ashamed of them with the way you talk about them. Did you resolve things?" 

Ezra nodded, relaxing a bit as Mrs. Tracy sorted out the milk and sugar. "Yeah, I told them about Michael. They were angry about it, um...but they seemed fine with me. I assured them I love them and told them they're beautiful and smart and all that stuff," he smiled wanly, thanking Mrs. Tracy quietly as she placed a cup in front of him. 

"That's good. You can clearly sort through things together and solve problems. I still think the best thing right now is to give them space, though. I don't think they would be asking for it if they didn't need it, whatever the reason is that they need it." 

Ezra nodded, looking down at his cup and picking it up slowly, then hesitating. "I'm just worried about them. What if something's happened?" 

"Then again, you can't force them to tell you," Mrs. Tracy insisted gently, watching Ezra as he took a long drink from his teacup. "I know it's hard to go back to friendship, but I doubt it will last very long, not with the way you two seem so drawn to each other. If I were you, I'd just be really clear with them. Tell them you still love them and that you're there when they're ready. And say that in the meantime, they can talk to you about anything, and you'll be there to listen and help as much as you can." 

Ezra smiled to himself, setting the cup down with a light clink of china on china. "I've already done the first bit," he said, with a soft chuckle. "That was the first thing I did when they told me. My only worry is overwhelming them if I say I love them too often." 

Mrs. Tracy swirled her tea in her cup, looking a bit thoughtful. "I would maybe limit yourself to once every conversation. And don't force it, but if it just slips into the flow of conversation, then allow it to, does that make sense?" 

"Yeah, thank you. You're really good at all this stuff," Ezra smiled, feeling just a little better with some guidance on how to handle things. 

It was nice to just chat for a while, and Mrs. Tracy could certainly go on for quite a while, but Ezra didn't mind. They chatted continuously about his life, about uni and his leg, and about some of the work Mrs. Tracy used to do. She was open and friendly as always, absolutely delightful to talk to, and by the time they ran out of tea, Ezra was rather calmer. He made his excuses, accepted a lovely hug from Mrs. Tracy, and headed into his own apartment to do some work for a bit before it was time to call AJ. 

Once the clock on his computer announced that it was past eight, Ezra got up from his desk and went to the bed, slowly laying down and pressing the call button on AJ's contact. 

It rang only once before they picked up. 

"Hey," they said softly, their voice still a bit raspy. 

"Hey, sweetheart," Ezra murmured, relief flooding through him at the sound of their voice, warmth spreading out from his chest. "How are you doing?" 

"I'm okay, thanks," AJ answered, and Ezra could hear the smile in their tone, well practiced at spotting it by now. 

"How were your appointments?" 

There was a brief pause, then a barely audible sigh. "Fine, yeah. How was uni?"

"It was alright, kind of boring," Ezra hummed, pulling the blanket over himself and wriggling around to get more comfortable. "I'm in bed right now. That's probably the highlight of my day." 

AJ laughed softly, then began to cough, the sound muffled as they moved the phone away from their face. Ezra frowned, but the fit was over in seconds, and AJ was back, their voice soft. "Sorry about that. I think I have a cold with this sore throat and everything," they said, but something was off about their tone, something that made Ezra slightly uncomfortable. "I wish I could cuddle up with you." 

"You do?" He asked quietly, and AJ sighed. 

"I...I don't really want to be apart from you," they admitted softly, starting to sound a bit upset, their voice thicker than usual. "I just...I think I need to take a step back and make sure this is what I want for a bit. Does that make sense? I still miss you, I just...can't do all that stuff right now, I need to give myself time." 

"I don't really understand, magpie," Ezra mumbled, pressing the heel of his spare hand against his eye. "But I'm here, okay? I'm not going anywhere, I love you, and there's no way I'm walking away." 

There was a short silence, then a quiet sniff. "Thank you," AJ murmured, then sighed again, almost too quietly for Ezra to hear. "I really need a hug right now."

"Me too," Ezra muttered, curling up a bit tighter and trying to imagine that he was holding AJ, nuzzling up against them as they pressed into him. "Is everything okay with you? I'm worried about you." 

"I'm okay." 

"Okay, sweetheart," Ezra answered doubtfully. "I'm here if you ever need to talk, though. Remember that, okay?" 

"I know," AJ said simply, then stifled another cough. "Did you see that new show on Netflix that came out today? I was thinking maybe we could watch it together sometime, when I'm...feeling better." 

"I'd love that, I'll save it for you," Ezra smiled, trying to ignore the pain blossoming in his chest. He wanted AJ with him now, not in days or weeks or even months. He wanted to kiss them and hold them and run his hands over their skin. He wanted to whisper in their ear how beautiful and smart and kind they were and hold their hand while they slept. 

"Okay. I finished that new costume today," AJ announced softly, and Ezra pushed the pain aside hurriedly. 

"Yeah? That's great, magpie! Good job," he exclaimed, doing his best to sound as enthusiastic as he felt, despite everything. "I'm excited to see it all finished." 

"Mm, I'm going to keep my current routine for a bit, though," AJ hummed, beginning to sound more relaxed. "I like it." 

"Good, so do I," Ezra chuckled, closing his eyes and just listening to the sound of their voice. 

"That's because you're soppy," AJ teased softly, and Ezra mentally rolled his eyes, his smile spreading across his face happily. 

"Yeah, I'm the one who choreographed a whole dance to my partner's favourite song," he pointed out, and AJ laughed again, this time coughing only once or twice after. 

"True, true. Are you on shift tonight?" 

"Not tonight, no. I am tomorrow, though." 

"Okay. You know.." AJ said slowly, their voice suddenly sounding a bit more serious. "I keep thinking about that date we had. The stupid surprise one." 

Ezra snorted, still smiling to himself as he shifted position, settling into the mattress more comfortably. "Yeah?" 

"Yeah. I know we had a fight and everything, but...the actual golf bit, that was the happiest I've been in a very long time," AJ admitted slowly, causing Ezra's heart to beat a bit faster in his chest. "I can't wait until I feel ready for that kind of thing again." 

"Me neither, sweetheart. At least I'll get time to make some really good plans, huh?" He said, with a rather forced little laugh. "I shouldn't have said that, now you'll have really high expectations." 

"You set the bar pretty high already, angel," AJ murmured, and Ezra had to bite his tongue to deal with the rush of emotion, his throat closing up briefly at the sound of that pet name. 

"You're gonna make me cry," he mumbled, and AJ snorted softly. 

"Mm, just talking to you is gonna make me cry. I'm really sorry if I hurt you, or-" 

"I'm okay, sweetheart," Ezra interrupted gently. "Please don't worry about me. I just want you to feel okay. And if you're getting overwhelmed, then you're doing the right thing by taking a step back. I support you with whatever you need, okay?" 

"I know, I just...feel bad," AJ sighed, and Ezra shook his head slightly. 

"It's okay. I'd rather that we had to take a break than you forced yourself to do something you're not ready for and everything fell apart." 

"When did you get to be so wise?" AJ chuckled quietly, but Ezra could hear the thickness in their voice, the telltale sniffles. 

He closed his eyes against the tears welling up and just sighed quietly. "I don't know, sweetheart. I just know that I love you and I miss you." 

"I m-miss you too," AJ sniffed, and then took a deep, shuddering breath in. "I have to go get ready," they added abruptly, and Ezra tried to swallow the lump in his throat, knowing that it was still early and AJ was probably just saying goodbye so he couldn't hear them crying. 

"Okay, sweetheart. I'll see you soon, okay?" 

"Yeah, bye," AJ said softly, and the line went dead. 

Ezra just stared at nothing for a while, ignoring the tears as they finally escaped and soaked into the pillow. Eventually, he shook himself out of it and got up, forcing himself to go get ready for bed. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone!   
> I know you're all probably upset with me after the last chapter, but I hope this made you guys feel a bit better! I know it's not exactly the happiest chapter ever, but there's still some good moments. Just so you guys know, I've added an email address to my contact info in my profile, as I just realised I made a spare account to create my other AO3 and figured I might as well use it here to help with warnings.   
> Anyway, don't forget, I always love to hear what you guys think, and I'm updating on Monday and Tuesday!   
> <3<3<3


	25. Chapter Twenty Five

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter includes: illness, description of bruising (including aftermath of choking), financial abuse, general angst/pining, disordered eating behaviour, dissociation.

A couple of weeks after their disastrous meeting with Gabriel, AJ was getting very, very tired. Tired of seeing the awful man every other day, tired of covering up bruises, tired of talking to Ezra on the phone every night and having to avoid him every time they were on shift together. 

They'd also been coughing ever since the day after Gabriel had strangled them, and it didn't seem to be showing any signs of getting better. They were starting to get other symptoms as well, becoming dizzy if they stood for too long or got up too quickly, and the sore throat was back, even though Gabriel hadn't tried choking them again. At least not yet. He seemed to be winding back up to it, though, every session AJ had with him seeming to be more and more violent. 

AJ sighed and looked in the mirror, turning their face back and forth to check for any areas that needed more concealer. Their face had begun to show their exhaustion, looking more drawn and pale, the dark circles under their eyes more exaggerated, but they'd long ago learned the skills needed to hide it. 

Once they were satisfied with their face, AJ stripped down and went over to their full-length mirror, looking at the bruises on their stomach and ribs and poking at the newer ones with a sigh. It was getting bad enough that they were having to do their makeup at home now, instead of in the dressing room. They didn't want Ezra or even David walking in on them looking this bad. 

AJ shook their head slightly and tied their hair up, then started with their neck. The fingerprints from Gabriel's attentions a full fortnight ago were finally almost faded, but they covered them anyway, just in case. Then they went to the worst bruises on their stomach and ribs, working quickly and with the ease of practice. Knife wounds were much more difficult, but luckily Gabriel seemed to have lost interest in knife play, and he seemed to be avoiding striking their face. AJ wondered gloomily whether that was thanks to Michael - she wouldn't want her prize cash cow going on stage with a black eye or refusing to work due to open wounds. 

AJ shuddered to themself and sprayed fixer spray over the makeup, fanning their skin with their hands to get it to dry. Then they picked up their new costume and slipped into it, pulling it over their body carefully and doing up the snaps at the back of their neck before sliding the zipper up. They'd made it special, with a high neck, plenty of coverage on the back - where they couldn't reach to apply makeup - and lots of thin black mesh to give a sexy look while still making the bruises difficult to see. It was a deep, dark green, with a shimmering look to it, and went nicely with the dramatic winged eyeliner and metallic green eyeshadow they were wearing. 

AJ looked at themself in the mirror for a moment, then let their shoulders sag, turning away to tug on a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt. They let their hair down and sighed, crouching down to pull a pair of their fluffy socks from their bag. They slipped them on, smiling to themself ever so slightly as they remembered finding them in their locker. 

They now had a little jar on their bedside table, filled with the little paper flowers that had come with each gift Ezra left. Sometimes he hid a note somewhere in their stuff as well, but more usually, he just left the flower. There had been another pack of socks, a small box of the mints he knew they liked, a little enamel pronoun pin that Michael immediately told them they couldn't wear, and even some little sachets of luxury hot chocolate. Every gift was small, but perfectly thought-out, something Ezra knew AJ would love. And they knew they'd never get over how sweet it was. 

As soon as they got to the club, AJ headed straight for the dressing room. Since they were doing their makeup at home now, they were getting to the club a bit later than everyone else, and the room was mostly empty by the time they slipped in. 

AJ smiled to themself, liking the privacy, and quickly opened their locker door. Sitting on top of their things was a single red golf ball, a note tucked under it and a little red paper tulip beside it. AJ glanced around before picking up the note and unfolding it, biting their lip as they read. 

_ My little magpie,  _

_ You said a while back that you couldn't stop thinking about our date. It took me a while, but here you go. I thought you'd like a little memento to look at when you think of the fun day we had.  _

_ I miss you  _

_ Angel xxx _

AJ sniffed, then slipped their shirt off quickly, covering the gifts without crushing the flower. They knew they should probably be used to the little gifts, considering Ezra left them so often, but each and every one was so different, and every single one made them feel overjoyed. After a brief hesitation, AJ slipped their sweats and socks off, stepped into their heels, and walked out of the dressing room. On the way down the hall, they practiced their smile, forcing themself to take deep breaths just before walking through the doors and into the noisy club. 

But for once, they didn't go straight into the crowd to pull clients, instead making a beeline for the side entrance. They slipped a folded note out of their costume and shouldered the door open, hurrying to Ezra's locker. Knowing he'd be in any minute, they slipped it through the slats on the door and walked off quickly, trying to look nonchalant even though there was no one around to see. 

Their task done, they got down to work, walking back through the wall of sound into the world of thudding basslines and sleazy men with pockets full of money. 

AJ had two sets that night, one of them the last set in the closing performance, and when it was finally over, they were utterly exhausted. But they still had one last task to do. 

A bit dizzy from the bright lights on stage and the effort of trying not to cough, AJ meandered to Michael's office and knocked on the door. 

"Come in." 

AJ took a deep breath and twisted the doorknob, slipping into the small office and closing the door behind them. 

Michael smiled brightly. "Crowley! How are you? Sit down." 

The order was said in a friendly enough tone, but AJ obeyed immediately, sinking into one of the overstuffed leather chairs and staring down at the wood flooring under their feet. 

"I'm fine."

"I hope you're presenting a much more...put together look for the clients," Michael said sharply, her voice disapproving and a little threatening. 

"I'm just really tired, that's all. It's the end of the day, y'know?" AJ answered quietly, their voice still rather strained and rasping thanks to their cough. 

"Good. You smile, the customers come back, it's a fairly simple equation," she said shortly, shuffling some papers on her desk before looking at AJ and raising an eyebrow. "What's going on?" 

AJ swallowed, their throat feeling raw and scratchy, their pride curling up in a ball and whimpering as they did their best not to check out completely. "I need my fees...from my appointments. Please," they added hurriedly, their breath catching and causing them to hurtle into another coughing fit, burying their face in their elbow as each cough tore through their damaged throat and made their lungs and chest ache. Michael leaned back slightly and simply waited until they were finished, then smiled at them in a rather sickly way. 

"That sounds bad, you should get it looked at. And you know you can come talk to me about anything," she said, her voice dripping with completely false sincerity. "I'm here to help you perform your best." 

AJ felt as if they were sleepwalking, struggling to keep their mind in the room, in the present. They thought about machines briefly, about maintenance in factories, but their thoughts were too scattered to form into anything resembling a coherent train. "I need to pay my rent," they mumbled, their voice as broken as they felt. The chair was already getting uncomfortable. 

"Hmm, you live with Bea, don't you? I remember setting you up with her," Michael grinned, rather enjoying her newfound power, her ability to manipulate AJ, to hold them to her own whims. "Such a naive, scared little kid, hmm? Now you're just a slut, I know you like this job. Gabriel's been telling me a lot lately, lots of things about where you came from, how he knows you. It's all been very interesting." 

AJ stared at her, their eyes beginning to unfocus as they retreated, their whole being checking out of the room and into one of their usual safe fantasies. They could feel Ezra touching them, his arms wrapping around them from behind, his chin slotting over their shoulder as he squeezed them. His hair tickled their cheek and they could hear his soft laugh, his gentle voice murmuring something that sounded too far away and muffled to make out the words. 

"Anthony!" 

AJ snapped to attention, their eyes wide, heart pounding at the sound of the hated name. Michael smiled sweetly. 

"There we are. Pay attention," she said in a sugary, fake tone. "I was saying, I'm still taking a fifty percent cut. I'm organising the meetups, I'm liaising to bring you and your clients - should I say,  _ client _ \- together, and that's half the work. From now on, you're appointment-only, which means I'll get paid cash up front and I'll give your half to you every week." 

AJ didn't bother to protest. They didn't even think of it. Michael had all the control over them she could ever want, and besides, they were too tired to argue. All they wanted was to get home and into a warm bath before bed, where they could curl up and get lost in their Ezra-centric fantasies as much as they liked. 

"Yes, Michael." 

Michael beamed at them like a proud parent hearing their child's first words. "Good! Gabriel is clearly managing to teach you some manners at last. I'm sure it's making you much easier to get along with, I know it's ten times easier for me!" She laughed, and AJ barely had the energy to hate her. 

She turned away and unlocked a safe under the desk to her left, pulling out a brown paper bag, which she tossed onto the desk. AJ took it quickly, too quickly, and looked down as they pulled it into their lap. At least they could pay their bills.

"Happy now?" Michael asked in the most condescending tone AJ had ever heard. They didn't bother to acknowledge her. "And you have appointments with Gabriel on Saturday and Sunday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Friday this week. I'll text you the details the morning of each one, okay?" 

AJ nodded. 

"Good. Now go home and sleep, you look like shit." 

Shaking ever so slightly, AJ rose and slipped out of the office, closing the door behind them ever so carefully. Then they leaned down and slipped their heels off before hurrying to the dressing room, knowing they needed to get home as soon as possible, before they became too exhausted to stay upright.

They slipped through the door and opened their locker as quickly as they could, shoving the money and shoes inside before glancing around nervously. By then, however, all of the other performers had finished changing and gone home, so AJ plopped themself down on the bench in the middle of the room and sighed, bending over with their head in their hands. The door clicked behind them, but they didn't bother to look round. It hurt too much to move. 

"Water bottle?" A familiar voice asked tentatively, and they looked up quickly, eyes wide as Ezra smiled at them, obviously a bit uncertain. He was holding out a bottle of water, condensation running down the plastic. AJ took it with a grateful look and Ezra slowly sat down beside them, a good few inches away. Not looking at him, not yet, AJ took a few long gulps of water, then stared down at the floor until the silence got too heavy for Ezra to bear. 

"I got your note," he murmured, very softly, and AJ looked up at him, then away again hurriedly as they started to cough. Their lungs ached, their stomach protested, but they couldn't stop, their face buried in their elbow as they coughed and coughed and felt a gentle hand on their back, rubbing slow, soothing circles that somehow made it so much better. 

"Have some more water, sweetheart," Ezra suggested, and AJ did their best, the cough finally trailing off. 

"Sorry," they croaked, and Ezra just looked at them for a second, then sighed. 

"It's fine, I'm just...worried about you. But your note was lovely," he added in a happier tone. "You know I miss you too, and I'm sorry your work has kept you so busy that we haven't been able to see each other. I was...I was wondering if you'd like a hug?" 

AJ's breath caught in their throat, their whole body screaming at them to throw themself at him, to kiss him all over and curl up in his arms. Instead, they just gave a small nod and tried to push away the fear that something awful would happen as Ezra leaned a little closer and hugged them tightly. 

AJ immediately melted, burying their face in his neck, their fingers curling in his shirt as they clung to him, their body against his. Ezra clutched them closer, his breath a little quick and heavy as he pulled them into him, pulled their body against his. Squeezing their eyes shut only worked for so long before AJ's tears fell, pure longing aching in their chest, driving them to grip Ezra even tighter. His arms practically wrapped around them twice, his thumb running back and forth over their ribs, but to AJ, it felt like being rolled up in a blanket of safety made solid; Ezra's warm chest and soft plumpness so easy to sink into and press against. 

"You're confusing me, AJ," Ezra whispered after a moment or two, his voice soft and broken, his hands starting to shake ever so slightly. "I don't understand.."

"I know, I'm sorry. I'm...sorry," AJ mumbled, sniffing and not quite pulling away yet. "I'm confusing me, too." 

Ezra managed a shaky chuckle and gently began to let go of AJ, leaning back and carefully brushing them off him. "At least we're in the same boat," he grinned, but AJ only managed a wan smile. Ezra's grin collapsed and he sighed, reaching up to slowly stroke their hair back from their face. 

"I know something's wrong, sweetheart. I wish you'd tell me," he murmured, and AJ just looked down, closing their eyes again. "And this cough.." Ezra added softly. AJ drew in a quick breath for a retort, and immediately dissolved into another coughing fit; great hacking, heaving coughs that made their whole body rock. Ezra's hand moved back to their shoulders, rubbing slowly, gently, his touch soft and light.

The dressing room door clicked suddenly and AJ jumped up as if the bench was red-hot, their shoulder slamming against the wall of lockers painfully as they kept coughing, desperately trying to distance themself from Ezra. 

David poked his head into the room, then glanced between the shocked Ezra and AJ, trembling against the lockers, and winced. 

"Sorry, sorry, I'll um...when you're done, come find me, Ezra," he muttered, and the door clicking shut behind him was deafening in the sudden quiet. AJ began to cough again and Ezra stood up uncertainly, moving towards them and then stopping himself, his hands shoved into his pockets. AJ just focused on trying to breathe normally, tears welling up in their eyes at the pain of their chest heaving, their throat being torn apart all over again. Eventually, the coughs began to subside and Ezra pressed the water bottle into their hands carefully, his own fingers trembling slightly. 

"You need to see a doctor," he said softly, his voice firm, but his face unsure, worried. 

"I-I'm fine, I-" AJ swallowed hard, their chest tight as they started to feel a bit dizzy from the effort of not coughing. "I...I think it's getting better," they added, taking a quick gulp of the water. 

Ezra just stared at them for a bit, then glanced towards the door before sighing heavily. "That's bullshit, AJ. Please go." 

"I'll think about it," AJ muttered, unable to help themself with Ezra in front of them, looking so sad and confused and oddly small. He nodded slightly and looked up at them, a tiny smile on his face, but his eyes full of some kind of raw hurt that felt like a dagger through AJ's chest. 

"Okay. I love you." 

AJ opened their mouth to answer, but Ezra was already turning away, the dressing room door shutting behind him very quietly. They stared at it for a moment, then whipped around and began shoving their stuff into their bag, tugging on their sweats and shirt in record time and booking it out of the club as fast as their exhausted, shaking legs could manage. 

By the time AJ got home, Bea was in bed and the apartment was quiet, so they dumped their stuff in their room and wandered into the kitchen. They were hungry, they knew that, although it was a distant feeling underneath the dizziness and the fuzzy sensation that they weren't quite in their body, their movements lagging behind their mind. 

The fridge light was cold in the dim room, a quiet buzzing setting their teeth on edge as they leaned against the open door. It hurt to swallow, so a sandwich was out of the question, but all they had in the fridge was some cheese. AJ sighed and shut the door, opening their cupboard instead and rubbing the side of their face as they tried to focus long enough to find something to eat. 

They could still sort of feel Ezra's arms around them, the ghost of his touch making their skin tingle, but it wasn't enough. They wanted to lean into him and hold onto him and have his hands on their skin. 

AJ shook their head slightly, forcing the thoughts away as they stared into the cupboard. They spotted a cheap, store-brand breakfast shake and took it off the shelf, letting the cupboard fall shut as they turned away and wandered back to their room unsteadily. 

As soon as the door shut behind them, AJ tossed the shake onto the bed and began to undress, stripping off their shirt and sweats and peeling away the costume underneath. They'd have to wash it in the morning, but they really couldn't be bothered to sort it out that night. It would have to wait. Just as they were about to turn away to grab their pajamas, AJ caught a glimpse of themself in the mirror and stopped, staring at it. 

It felt odd, looking at their reflection when they were feeling this disconnected from themself. They knew the body in the mirror was theirs, but it was a fact in the same way that they knew Mt. Everest was the tallest mountain in the world, or that Mars was mostly red - it seemed a long way away and didn't affect them very much. They ran a hand over their stomach, biting their lip as they just looked at themself. They didn't like their shape lately, it looked like they were gaining weight, despite everything, but maybe the bruises just gave the illusion that their stomach was rounder. AJ moved their hand up to their ribs, feeling at their bones underneath their skin, then glanced at the shake on the bed. 

Ezra would want them to eat. 

That wasn't quite such a distant fact - they could summon up an image of Ezra's face, his worried expression; they could hear his gentle voice in their ears. 

_ Please, sweetheart. For me.  _

AJ swallowed, despite the fact that it felt like rubbing two pieces of sandpaper together, and turned away sharply to finish their routine. They left the moisturiser for now and just slipped their pajamas on, shoved their money in the jars - hating themself all the while for where it came from - and sat down on the edge of the bed to take their makeup off. They glanced at the shake again and heaved a slow sigh, then reached out and picked it up carefully. 

The sound of the little straw puncturing the foil almost made AJ jump, the papery scraping causing them to grit their teeth unconsciously. Just the thought of putting anything in their stomach was already making them feel sick, but they tried anyway. The first sip hung heavy on their tongue for a moment, making them think of something...else, but they managed to swallow it, feeling it hit their empty stomach like a lead weight. A second sip made them gag, and they closed their eyes, their fingers curling as they tried to focus their mind on Ezra and the memories of his gentle encouragement. 

For a moment, they could almost feel his hand on their back, and they managed a few more sips before the nausea became too much and they had to give up, setting the shake on their desk. Despite the fact that they hadn't really wanted to eat in the first place, the defeat stung. They didn't like being beaten, especially not by a cheap chocolate shake. 

AJ glared at the cardboard carton for a moment, then sighed and turned the lights off before climbing into bed and curling up as tight as they could.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys are enjoying this update pace! It's a lot of fun for me too tbh, I love reading all your comments! ♡♡♡


	26. Chapter Twenty Six

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter includes: illness, assault, negative self talk, mild violence, brief mention of past abusive relationship, and discussion of trans-related stuff.

Ezra was getting bored. It was a fairly slow night at the club, and no one had ordered a drink in at least ten minutes. AJ had just finished their set and he let his mind wander as he watched their firey hair in the crowd, catching glimpses of them here and there. 

He couldn't help but seek them out, as worried about them as he was. They'd been really distant from him since their hug a week ago, and he'd noticed them spending less time in their high heels and seeming unsteady on their feet. Their makeup had been getting heavier, their freckles constantly completely hidden, and he was pretty sure they'd thrown up at work once or twice, from the conversations he'd overheard in the dressing room after closing. A lot of the other performers didn't particularly like AJ, but even though they were apathetic towards them as a person, it didn't mean they were completely unconcerned. 

Ezra glanced towards David, wondering if it was worth talking to him, whether he knew anything. He probably did, but whether he'd tell Ezra or not was another matter. 

A flash of red caught Ezra's eye and he turned his head again to see AJ standing fairly close to the bar, chatting with a tall man with a scruffy beard. His mind drifted to that hug again, unable to help himself from staring at AJ longingly, wishing he could just walk up to them and hold them. They'd seemed so desperate for his touch, grabbing at him and pressing themself to him, and when he'd wrapped his arms around them, he could tell they'd lost weight. Quite frankly, it was scaring him. 

As had their reaction to David walking in on them talking - AJ had gotten up so fast they'd almost fallen over against the lockers, and, just for a moment, they'd looked completely, utterly terrified. Enough to make Ezra feel quite shaken for a good few minutes afterwards. 

AJ reached out and toyed with the man's hair lightly, their smile wide and flirty, although Ezra could see the way their stance shifted, betraying the fact that they didn't want to be there at all. The man grinned and stepped closer to them, whispering something in their ear. AJ frowned and shook their head quickly and Ezra tensed, suddenly fully alert, his heart racing in his chest. The man laughed and said something, and AJ shook their head again, turning to go just as his hand shot out and closed around their wrist. 

Ezra was out from behind the bar in seconds, hurrying over as AJ shouted something, trying to tug their arm away. 

"Let go!" Ezra roared as he neared them, and the man looked around in shock, his grip loosening enough for AJ to finally pull away, backing up hurriedly. The man glared at Ezra, stepping towards him and causing the stench of alcohol and unwashed man to flood Ezra's nostrils. 

"And what are you supposed to be? Leave me alone, let me talk to the whore," he growled, causing rage to flare in Ezra’s throat. 

"I'm a bartender, and you've had too much," Ezra began slowly, trying to be diplomatic despite wanting to lay the man out flat with every cell in his body. "I need you to stop bothering our performers and leave." 

The man spat between Ezra's feet and glared at him, taking a sudden step forward. Ezra didn't flinch, even as he saw AJ moving closer out of the corner of his eye. He kept staring at the man, but gently pushed AJ back, his arm out to stop them from getting involved. 

"It's alright, AJ," he said softly, and the man sneered, looking past Ezra to the uncertain AJ. 

"Is this little cunt supposed to be your boyfriend or something?" He snarled, and AJ shook their head quickly, backing up a step and out of Ezra's field of view. 

"Alright, that's enough," Ezra announced sharply, shifting his stance to make it clear that he wasn't negotiating, his voice deeper and louder. "It's time for you to go." 

"Fuck you!" The man snapped, shifting his weight, the look in his eyes telling Ezra exactly what he was about to do before he even pulled his first back for the punch. 

Ezra didn't have to think about what came next - he'd been serious about martial arts as a kid, and before losing his leg, he'd gone all the way to the final four in a few major MMA events. Despite giving up the practice, his well-drilled training guided his movement as he turned smoothly with the man’s swing, stepping inside his reach and executing a short jab up to his chin with the base of his palm. In the same motion, Ezra grabbed the stunned man’s wrist, spun him around and twisted his arm up between his shoulder blades, causing him to yelp in pain. 

"Jesus Christ! Let me go!" The man shouted, but Ezra was already marching him towards the door, easily shoving him through it and out into the cool night air. The man stumbled but made the mistake of running back towards him. Ezra kicked out sharply with his good leg, catching him in the knee and causing a satisfying crunch. He crumpled to the ground and squealed in pain, but Ezra was already slipping back into the club, leaving him to face the bouncer on the door. Ezra had never spoken to the man himself, but he was pretty sure his name was James, and he looked like a wall of solid muscle. He could definitely handle one drunk idiot, and Ezra had to find AJ. 

It was the only thing on his mind as he shoved through the crowd, heading towards the back and keeping his eyes peeled for any flashes of red hair. 

_ Find AJ, make sure they're okay.  _

He'd seen the terrified look on their face when they'd been grabbed, and now that the anger was fading, he could only feel sad and concerned. Without thinking, Ezra slipped straight into the dressing room, finding it empty apart from AJ sitting on the bench in the centre, their head in their hands again. 

"AJ? Are you alright?" Ezra said softly, walking over slowly and carefully sitting down beside them, not sure if they wanted him there or not. He reached out tentatively, slowly rubbing their shoulder, his hand shaking ever so slightly as the adrenaline began to wear off. 

"N-no," came the quiet, choked answer, their hands dropping, but their head not lifting yet, their hair hiding their face from Ezra’s view. 

"I'm sorry, AJ. I’ll talk to Michael and make sure he gets banned, okay? You won’t have to see him again,” Ezra murmured, becoming a little bolder and running his hand all the way up and down their back, feeling the fabric of their costume underneath his hand. 

They were silent for a moment, then suddenly turned, glaring at him, their cheeks flushed and their eyes damp with tears. 

"How stupid are you?" They snapped, their shaking hands curling into fists, their lip wobbling slightly. "Huh? You could have gotten hurt! You should have just fucking left it, it would have been fine! You think I don't deal with this all the time?" 

Ezra stared at them for a second, taken aback, then surprise melted into annoyance. "I should have just let him grab you and call you a whore then, should I?" 

"Yes, I am a fucking whore!" AJ snarled, throwing their hands up in apparent exasperation. "What else is he supposed to call me?" 

Ezra's jaw tightened, his eyes narrowing as he did his best not to lose his temper, fury and worry boiling together in his stomach and filling his mouth with acid. "AJ, I know you don't give a flying fuck about yourself, but I do, and I don't appreciate being fucking punished for defending your dumb ass. Anyone else would have said thank you, you ungrateful piece of shit." He didn’t quite raise his voice, he’d always said he’d never raise his voice again after...she had left him, but his words came out with an edge to them, sharp and heavy. 

Ezra didn’t expect what came next at all, the slap taking him completely off-guard. He reeled away from AJ in shock, momentarily stunned. After what felt like an eternity, he got up hurriedly, not looking back as he rushed out of the room, slamming the door behind him as hard as he possibly could. 

Ezra marched across the club, grabbed his things from his locker, and made his way to Michael’s office, opening the door without knocking. She looked up from her paperwork in surprise, eyebrows raised. 

"Excuse me?"

"I just had to throw a guy out of the club for assaulting one of the performers,” Ezra said quickly, his heart still pounding in his chest, his cheek still stinging. “He tried to hit me, and I twisted my leg. I need to go home so it doesn’t get any worse."

A few minutes later, Ezra was standing outside the club, waiting patiently. He'd called a cab, as he really had hurt his leg in the altercation, although that wasn't the primary reason he wanted to go home. 

He rubbed his cheek absentmindedly and stared down at the pavement just as a car pulled up. Ezra got into it and gave the driver his address, then sank back into his seat, staring out of the window. 

He watched the streetlights flash by and thought about everything that one simple slap had brought back up. Closing his eyes, Ezra couldn't help but remember the shouting, the blows, the anger. He'd told himself he wouldn't allow it to happen again, that he'd never be with another person who would hurt him like that. The fact that AJ had seemingly stepped into that role, become that person, felt like a betrayal. It stung, it rankled, it made Ezra feel like he'd felt back then - helpless, useless, trapped.

The car stopped and Ezra grabbed for his wallet, tugging out some random bills and handing them over before getting out of the car hurriedly. He fumbled with his keys and unlocked the door, then hurried over to his apartment door and opened it as quickly as he could, his hands starting to shake, pain radiating from his knee up to his hip. 

"Ezra? Is that you?" 

Anathema's familiar voice caused Ezra's emotions to suddenly spike, rising in his throat, choking him as he walked into the living room. Anathema was sitting on the couch, and looked up when he entered, her smile quickly melting away. 

"You look upset, what's wrong?" She said slowly, and the gentle words broke the dam in Ezra's mind, built of numbness and shock, and it crumbled as he buried his face in his hands. His shoulders shook slightly, tears welling up as he tried to take deep, shuddering breaths. 

"Oh, Ezra," Anathema sighed, standing up beside him and carefully guiding him to sit down. "How about I make some tea and we have a chat?" She suggested softly, and Ezra nodded, dropping his hands into his lap and staring at nothing. Anathema's hand slid into his curls, ruffling his hair lightly, affectionately. 

"Come on, deep breaths, it's alright. I'll be right back with some biscuits." 

Ezra nodded again, the cold, numb feeling flooding back as she walked away, her footsteps light on the floor. He slipped his phone out of his pocket and unlocked it, half expecting a text from AJ, but the only notification was an email from his bank. He sighed and shoved it back into his pocket, dragging his hands down his face again. His leg really was starting to hurt. 

After a moment's thought, Ezra hauled himself up off the couch and slipped out of the living room, poking his head into the kitchen. 

"I'm going to go change," he announced quietly, and Anathema looked up from arranging biscuits on a plate and flashed him a worried smile. 

"Alright, don't be long," she answered simply, and Ezra wandered down the hall and into his room, slowly sitting down on the bed. He carefully wriggled his jeans off, then removed his prosthesis before slipping into his shorts. Once he'd exchanged his black button-up for a clean t-shirt, he grabbed his crutches and dragged himself to his feet, leaving his phone on the bed as he headed back to the living room. 

Anathema had put the plate of biscuits on the coffee table, so he sat down on the couch again slowly, putting his crutches down out of the way and just staring down at the fabric of the couch cushions. He couldn't stop thinking about how angry AJ had looked, about how confused and hurt he'd felt. All he'd done was defended them, he couldn't understand why they'd gotten upset with him. 

Quiet footsteps made him look up, and Anathema handed him a mug of hot, spicy vanilla chai before walking around to sit beside him. She curled up with her knees tucked up half underneath her, off to one side, and looked at Ezra expectantly over the top of her steamy glasses. 

"What happened?" She asked softly, sympathetically, and Ezra looked down into the depths of his mug, sighing to himself. 

"Well, um...I told you that AJ's been...really distant. And not well," he began slowly, fighting the feeling that his throat was closing up. "But um...I saw them with someone at the club, they were getting clients for lap dances, and this guy grabbed their arm. A-and so I went over there as quickly as I could, 'cause they looked scared, and I just...I could tell they weren't okay," he mumbled, taking a break to sip from his mug before going on. "I told the guy to let go and he did, but he got really angry and threw a punch." 

Anathema snorted softly, her mug halfway to her lips. "I bet he was quite surprised with the result." 

Ezra managed a tiny smile and nodded slightly. "Yeah, it didn't take me long to get him out of there," he admitted, feeling his cheeks warming up slightly. "But then, um.." he sighed again, the short-lived triumph fading. "I went to see if they were okay, and they got really angry. They called me stupid and said that they'd been fine. So I...I guess I should have been calmer, but it surprised me, y'know? And so I asked if I should have just let him call them a...a nasty name, and they said that it didn't make a difference, because they are...one of those. Um. I lost my temper a bit and I said that I didn't like being punished for defending them a-and that they were ungrateful," he went on, but quite able to meet Anathema's gaze. "I didn't raise my voice or anything, but um...they slapped me," he said very quietly. 

Anathema leaned forward and set her mug on the coffee table, then shifted closer to Ezra, pulling him into a gentle hug. "I'm sorry, Ez. What did you do?" She asked softly, and he shrugged, tightening his grip on his mug as he leaned his head against hers. 

"I just left. I thought maybe they'd text me and apologise, but.." 

"I don't know how much I like them anymore," Anathema muttered, squeezing him lightly and rubbing his back slowly. "Did it bring up stuff with...with her?" 

Ezra nodded slightly, closing his eyes and just focusing on not crying. "I don't want to think about it, I really don't want to." 

"I know, Ez, I know," Anathema murmured, her tone thoughtful. "I think maybe you should give them some space for a bit. It sounds like they're going through a lot right now, and I think that if you try to talk things through with them straightaway, it's going to be too difficult." 

Sniffling a bit, Ezra gently pulled away from Anathema so he could sip some more of his tea, letting the warmth calm him. "You're right, I just...it's been so hard. Talking to them on the phone pretty much every night and hearing them laugh and say they miss me, and then having to go to work a-and deal with this stuff," he mumbled, his breath a bit shaky, his eyes stinging as tears tried to form. Anathema smiled sadly and stroked his hair, then squeezed his shoulder lightly. 

"I can't imagine, it must be really awful. Maybe...maybe it's time to start thinking more seriously about walking away," she suggested quietly, and Ezra blinked, a single tear escaping. He wiped it away quickly and looked down into his mug again. 

"I can't...I don't want to think about that either. I love them, it's not that easy to just drop it," he pointed out, and Anathema nodded. 

"I know, and I don't mean that you should just cut ties all at once, I just mean...maybe start to try to pull away emotionally. Let go a bit. But you don't have to do anything you don't want to, I'm just...I'm just trying to help." 

Ezra flashed her a shaky smile and nodded quickly. "I know you are, thank you," he sniffed, wrapping both hands around his mug. "It does help, I'm just...a bit of a mess right now." 

"That's okay too," Anathema smiled, and Ezra nodded, gently bumping her shoulder with his. 

"How are you, anyway? Why are you up so late?" 

Anathema blushed immediately and pushed her glasses up, her smile widening slightly. "Well, you remember that person I've been...sort of dating?" 

"Newt, right?" Ezra smiled, relaxing now that his mind had been steered away from AJ and the slap. "Haven't you been texting and going on dates for like a month?" 

"Yeah," Anathema nodded, brushing her hair back behind her ears and biting her lip lightly. "But we never kissed, and I found out why today. Newt has been really shy with me and holding back a lot because...well, because she's a trans woman," she announced slowly, her cheeks even darker now. "But she's closeted and she was really scared about telling me, which is why she was so nervous about actually being in a proper relationship. She came out to me tonight, after I got home from dinner with her, she called me, and so I've been up talking to her for a few hours, I just finished when you got home," Anathema smiled, looking down at her hands and fiddling with one of her nails. 

Ezra blinked, then grinned and nodded slightly. "That's really cool! Is she out to anyone else yet?" 

"No, just me and a couple friends," Anathema said, looking up and sighing heavily. "I just...I really like her, a lot. You know me, I'm...I like to be sure about things, and I'm...I was sure about her before she came out, and...well, it doesn't make a difference to me, except that she's still closeted and she doesn't think it's going to change for a while." 

Ezra hesitated, then sighed. "Oh. Yeah, that can be a bit difficult. What's worrying you most?" 

Anathema shifted position, her back against the arm of the sofa, her knees drawn up against her chest so she could talk to Ezra more easily. "I guess the worry that she...she's still figuring herself out, she hasn't really...become herself yet, I suppose. I'm worried that she might change as she finds out who she is and gets that understanding of herself, you know?" 

"I know what you mean," Ezra began slowly, tilting his head slightly as he thought. "But I don't think that happened to me when I came out and realised I was trans. I just...became more me. I was happier and more confident and easier to get along with, although I did get grumpy on testosterone to start with. And I think that concern applies to all trans people relatively early in their transition," he pointed out softly. "I don't think that's limited to closeted people." 

Anathema sighed and looked down again, pushing her glasses up before taking a deep breath in. "I guess I just worry that she'll feel really trapped and everything, y'know? And what if she realises she's not into women? Or...or what if I slip up and out her by accident o-or she comes out a-and it goes badly, I...it just feels like a lot." 

"I understand," Ezra said gently, reaching over and rubbing Anathema's knee lightly. "I'm sure she's really into you, and I don't think that's going to change. And outing her...Anathema, you're a good person, you're used to being around trans people, I really don't think that you would do that. I wouldn't worry about it, okay? And the rest of it, the feeling trapped, or if something goes badly...that shit is life, life happens. You just have to take it and keep going, y'know? Some parts of my early transition sucked, some parts still do. Being trans really fucking sucks sometimes, and that's just a fact of life," he shrugged, smiling at her sadly. "For us, coming out is such a continuous process. Especially people who don't really go stealth, it's constantly having to explain yourself and deal with invasive questions and...and all that stupid stuff. I know that it's worrying that she's still in the closet, but I don't think it's that different from dating someone in the early stages of transition. And I know you, Anathema," he added with a brighter smile. "I know you'll be able to help her through things and support her. You're a fantastic friend and I'm sure that if you decide to go for it with her, you'll be a fantastic partner." 

Anathema smiled back a bit tearfully and leaned forward to hug Ezra again, wrapping her arms around him tightly. He gave a soft chuckle and hugged back loosely until she gently pulled away, sitting back down slowly. 

"Thank you, I really needed to hear that," she murmured, brushing tears off her cheeks, and Ezra nodded, smiling at her. 

"You're welcome, I'm really happy for you, y'know. I hope I get to meet her soon!" 

"Soon, I think we have some more talking to do first, though," Anathema chuckled softly, reaching for her phone and checking it. "I think she's asleep now. But I'll talk to her tomorrow, I left things a bit open, I said I needed to think." 

"Yeah, I think it was a good idea to give yourself time," Ezra hummed, suddenly getting the urge to check his own phone - exactly the reason he'd left it in the bedroom. At least he couldn't be disappointed if he couldn't see that AJ hadn't messaged him. 

"You should get some sleep," she advised gently, and Ezra nodded, taking a deep breath. 

"Yeah, you're right. I'm exhausted," he sighed, and she smiled at him sadly, ruffling his hair again because she knew he hated it. 

"I'm sure things with AJ will figure themselves out, though. There'll be an end to this difficult period." 

"I just want it to be the right kind of end," Ezra pointed out, and Anathema chuckled softly, pushing his shoulder gently before standing up and stretching. 

"Don't we all. Now come on, we both need to sleep." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! I hope you enjoyed this chapter, even though it's a bit sad! I promise things will start looking up soon! ♡♡♡ let me know what you thought of this one anyway and I'll be back with 27 on Friday! ♡♡♡


	27. Chapter Twenty Seven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter includes: fainting, emergency hospital visit, panic/PTSD, medical transphobia, discussion of sexually transmitted diseases and chronic illness.

It had been four days since AJ and Ezra had fought, and Ezra was back on shift at the club. It was a slow night once again, as most people didn't come out much on a Thursday night, so Ezra had plenty of time to watch the stage. 

Familiar music began to play and he smiled to himself, despite everything. He was still quite upset with AJ, and very worried about them, but he always liked seeing them dance.

They hadn't texted or called in the past four days, and the avoidance at the club seemed to be mutual, so Ezra's only real connection with them was seeing them on stage. It was a little like the first time he'd met them all over again, but with even less talking. 

He sighed to himself and just leaned on the bar, frowning slightly when AJ seemed to misstep. They never, ever made mistakes on stage. 

AJ caught the pole and spun gracefully, breathtakingly beautiful in the air, and stumbled as they landed. The crowd booed and Ezra tensed, his breathing halting as AJ righted themself, hesitated, and collapsed. 

Ezra saw it all almost as if it happened in slow motion. First, their knees gave out, and then they folded, crumpling to the stage like wet paper being squashed. He was over the bar and running almost before they hit the ground, shoving through the crowd and stumbling up the stairs. He hesitated over their body, his heart pounding in his chest, and then he was falling to his knees, his hands shaking as he reached out, gently moving their hair away from their face. AJ’s thin chest was rising and falling rhythmically, so he gently began to move them into the recovery position, just as he heard footsteps on the stage. 

"Can I help at all?" David asked quickly, and Ezra shook his head slightly. 

"They need to go to the hospital," Ezra said flatly, gently feeling the back of their head, checking to see if they'd hit it on the floor.

"Okay, I'll call-" 

"Ezra, David, get Crowley off the stage this minute!" Michael said sharply, looming up behind David suddenly and glowering down at Ezra. "I want the next performer on now!" 

"They should be left until the ambulance gets here," Ezra said calmly, looking up as one of the drag queens hurried over with a blanket. He smiled at them and took it quickly, laying it over AJ's unconscious form. 

"What ambulance? I don't want any fucking ambulance called!" Michael snapped, and David's eyes widened, his body stiffening. "If the ambulance comes there'll be an investigation, and you know what that means. I don't care what you do with her, just get her off the stage!" 

Ezra looked up sharply, rage flaring, his fingers curling. "They need to go to the fucking hospital, we have no idea what's wrong with them!" He protested, and Michael glared at him. 

"What's wrong with them is that they aren't making me any fucking money just lying there on the floor when I could have had a whole show over and done with by now!" She snarled, and David shifted, looking uncomfortable. 

A sudden whistle came from the crowd and Ezra almost jumped, swallowing hard as he glanced over at the dimly lit faces in the crowd. 

"Come on! We paid for this!" Someone shouted, and there was a chorus of agreement. 

"If I wanted to see someone lying unconscious on the floor, I'd have stayed home with the wife!" Someone else yelled, and Ezra gritted his teeth, rage boiling into fury, his temper just a thread away from snapping. 

"Guys, look, AJ needs help, let's just get them off the stage and find a way to get them to the hospital," David interrupted quickly, holding his hands out in a peace-making gesture. 

Michael gave Ezra one last venomous look, then shook her head slightly. "I don't give a shit what happens past her being moved," she growled, and David nodded, carefully placing himself between Ezra and Michael. 

"Okay, we'll move them, no problem," he rushed out, before Ezra could cut in, and Michael nodded, turning sharply before stalking off. 

David winced as he watched Michael go, then crouched down, holding his hand out to Ezra, palm up. "I know you have a copy of their locker key, I'll go get them a change of clothes and their car keys, you can take their car and drive them, I'll tell Michael where you've gone." 

Ezra nodded and slipped his wallet out of his pocket, pulling the key out of it and handing it over to David. He ran off across the club and Ezra gently began to gather AJ into his arms, wincing as he tried not to think about how lifeless they looked and how limp they felt in his grasp. As soon as he saw David heading back over with a bag, he stood up, shocking himself with how easy it was to lift them, then began making his way down the steps. He met David in the crowd and he pushed people back, making space for Ezra to carry AJ to the side door unimpeded. David opened the doors for him, and Ezra nodded his thanks, glancing down at AJ's blank face as he walked. He didn't like seeing them so...gone. It wasn't their peaceful expression after falling asleep in his bed, this was different. He felt a sense of renewed urgency and began to walk a bit faster, forcing David to jog ahead of him to unlock the car. He tossed the bag onto the backseat and opened the passenger door, helping Ezra carefully guide AJ onto the seat, holding them up gently to buckle their seatbelt. 

Ezra thanked David breathlessly and got into the car, starting it solely from muscle memory. 

Only when the engine sputtered to life did he realise what he was doing. He glanced at AJ and swallowed hard, his nose suddenly stinging, his eyes filling with tears. He had to drive them to the hospital, he didn't have a choice. A cab would take too long, by the time it arrived, Ezra could have driven to the hospital and back, and he knew enough to know that AJ needed help _urgently._

Shaking all over, Ezra eased the car into first and out of the parking space, his mouth dry. The screech of metal echoed in his mind and he winced, pain shooting up his residual limb to his hip as he tried to remind himself that it was past midnight on a Thursday, no one would be around. 

Even so, as he slipped the beaten up, rickety car into second, Ezra couldn't help but shiver, glancing at AJ again to remind himself why he had to do this. He had to get them the medical care they needed. 

"It's going to be alright, sweetheart. My magpie," he said softly, more to reassure himself than anything else, and changed up to third, becoming a bit more confident, driving a little faster. 

As the streetlights flashed by, he did his best to think about anything other than driving. He rehearsed what he'd say to the nurses, that he'd tell them AJ had been performing and had collapsed, that they'd seemed sick and had been losing weight for a couple of weeks. And then he realised with a bolt of cold shock to his stomach - he didn't know their full legal name. The staff at the hospital were bound to ask, they were bound to want to reduce AJ down to an identity they’d had forced upon them - an identity Ezra had no right or desire to know - simply to make it easier on the nurses and doctors. 

Ezra took a deep breath and shook his head slightly, clearing the worries away as he saw the lights looming, the building up ahead. Just one more roundabout and he'd be there. He pulled out and headlights came towards him, causing him to slam on the brakes, the car stopping with a screech and stalling as the other car turned off well before going past Ezra. 

Shaking once again, Ezra restarted the car and pulled out slowly, driving at about five miles an hour around the roundabout and into the hospital complex, his knuckles white on the steering wheel. Finally, he found a parking space, quite close to the entrance, and just about managed to park the unfamiliar car. 

He glanced at AJ, then reached into the backseat and pulled the bag David had packed towards him. He rummaged through it, thanking his lucky stars when he found AJ's wallet. He tugged their ID out and stared at it, blinking slowly. 

_Anthony James O'Donahue._

It didn't sound right at all, it itched under Ezra's skin as he repeated the words in his mind, but he just shoved it back and quickly stroked AJ's hair. 

"I'll be right back, sweetheart," he promised softly, then slipped out of the car and hurried towards the front entrance. 

As soon as Ezra walked through the doors, he hurried up to the front desk, his hands shaking as he leaned against it. The nurse smiled at him, pushing a clipboard with an attached form towards him. 

“Just fill this out, please,” she said, and Ezra swallowed, shaking his head slightly. 

“I need some help, my...my friend is in the car still, they can’t walk, I was wondering if someone could help me?” he asked quietly, his mouth dry, his palms feeling sweaty and clammy. The nurse nodded and turned away slightly. 

“Go wait by the door, I’ll have someone sent over with a wheelchair right away, okay?” 

Ezra nodded and hurried over to the door, shifting from foot to foot nervously, desperate to get back to AJ, to make sure they were okay. Thankfully, it only took a minute or two before a different nurse was walking over with a wheelchair. Ezra immediately turned, leading him to the car as fast as he could walk while still seeming polite. He opened the door and leaned around AJ, unbuckling their seatbelt just as the nurse looked over his shoulder, then stepped back. 

“He’s not responsive, I need to go get a paramedic team to get him inside,” he announced, and was gone before Ezra could say anything, leaving him shaking and scared, his breath coming fast and heavy now. He leaned down slightly and gently shook AJ’s shoulder, begging in the privacy of his mind, pleading with them to wake up, but they didn’t even stir. Before he could think of what to do next, he was suddenly being pushed aside by paramedics, who surrounded the car and lifted AJ onto a gurney.

As soon as they were safely settled, the gurney was being pushed away, one of the paramedics shutting the car door and gently taking Ezra’s arm.

“It’s alright, we’re just taking him to the acute care unit, okay?” she said softly, and Ezra nodded, feeling like a piece of driftwood being swept along by the ocean as he was led at speed after the gurney. He stumbled, but righted himself, jogging a few steps to keep up as best he could until he was in the waiting room. 

Yet another nurse pulled him back as he tried to follow the gurney, her hands firm, but careful. 

“Hey, hey, he needs to be stabilised before you can see him, okay? He’s going to be taken care of, I promise. I need you to tell me what happened, okay? And I need his name.” 

Ezra swallowed, his hands shaking now, his heart beating faster now that he couldn’t see AJ, he couldn’t hold their hand or check on them. “I...I...they collapsed on stage,” he mumbled, his voice coming out small and strangled as he wrung his hands in front of him, panic gripping him. “Their name is Anthony O’Donahue, I...I checked them over just after they fell, and they’re breathing okay, I couldn’t see any signs of a bad head injury,” he rushed out, trembling all over, the nurse’s hands coming up to squeeze his shoulders gently. 

“Good, that’s good news. It’s alright, we’re going to make sure they’re okay, I promise. Take a seat for me, okay? The doctor will come out and go over everything with you in a bit.” 

Ezra nodded shakily and collapsed into a chair, his knee bouncing anxiously as he hugged himself, wishing over and over that he could just hold AJ’s hand and stroke their hair. He wanted to be with them. 

He sat and fidgeted for a good hour before his phone buzzed in his pocket and he pulled it out to see a text from Anathema asking if he could pick up milk from the twenty four hour corner shop on his walk home. He blinked slowly, then tapped on her name and the call button without having to think, his spare arm wrapped around himself tightly. He listened to it ring once, twice, and then her quiet voice answered. 

"Ezra? Is everything okay?" 

"Not really," he mumbled, then sighed heavily, his knee still bouncing. "AJ collapsed on stage, I'm at the hospital, they um...haven't woken up yet." 

"Oh God, are they okay?" Anathema asked hurriedly, sounding shocked and worried. "Do you need me to come?" 

Ezra winced, glancing up hopefully as a doctor walked past, then sighing again. "No, I'm...I think they're okay, they were breathing fine and I couldn't see a head injury. I'm just...really stressed. I um...I had to drive their car here." 

Anathema was quiet for a moment, then breathed out softly. "Jesus. Why didn't you call an ambulance?" 

"Michael wouldn't let me," Ezra muttered, trying not to remember the way AJ had fallen, like a puppet whose strings had been cut all at once. 

"Okay, well I'm not doing anything I can't cancel tomorrow, so how about you keep me updated on when they're being discharged? I can get the bus and drive their car back, it's not a problem." 

Ezra closed his eyes, relief flooding through him, intense enough to make him shake - well, even more than he already was. 

"That would be fantastic," he smiled, feeling just a little better about everything. "I was absolutely terrified on the way here." 

Anathema gave a soft chuckle, then sighed quietly. "I can imagine. Are you okay?" 

"Just a bit shaken up," he mumbled, leaning back in his chair and trying to force himself to relax. "I had to use their deadname to check them in and stuff, it's just been...not a nice time, y'know? And all the hospital stuff, it's not fun being reminded of...well, when I lost my leg." 

"I'm sorry, Ezra. I really am, it's an awful situation. And I mean it, I'm happy to come down there and keep you company," Anathema insisted gently, but Ezra just shook his head, looking down at his lap. 

"It's fine, thank you, though. I don't want to overwhelm them when they first wake up, and it's really late. You should be asleep, you have that big assignment to work on." 

Anathema chuckled softly. "Okay, Dad," she joked, and Ezra managed to crack another smile, despite everything. "I can't sleep, I'm seeing Newt again tomorrow and I'm really excited." 

Still smiling to himself, Ezra glanced down the corridor nervously, then bit his lip, the smile fading back into worry. "That's really cute," he mumbled, trying to sound enthusiastic, but still feeling incredibly exhausted and anxious. "I'm sorry, I just-" 

"No, it's okay, don't worry. I know you have a lot on your plate. Do you need me to stay on the phone for a bit?" 

Ezra took a deep breath and shook his head ever so slightly. "No, thank you, though. I'll be okay, you should sleep."

"I should," Anathema sighed, still sounding worried. "Text me updates, alright? I might still be awake."

"Okay, will do," Ezra nodded, looking down at his lap and rubbing his eyes with one hand. "Thank you." 

"No problem. I'll talk to you tomorrow, okay?" 

"Okay. Bye," Ezra murmured, and Anathema answered before hanging up, the line going dead. 

Ezra stared at nothing for a while, then slipped AJ's wallet out of his pocket and opened it. He took their driver's license out of the clear pocket and just looked at it, staring at their face. Their hair had been much shorter when the picture was taken, just brushing their shoulders, and they looked younger, although he couldn't really say what exactly was different. 

He looked at the name again, turning it over and over in his mind, hating himself for being so unable to let go. _Anthony James O'Donahue._ It sounded familiar, niggling at the back of his mind with infuriating persistence, so he gave in and unlocked his phone, opening the internet browser quickly. 

A wikipedia article popped up as the first result, under Patrick O'Donahue. Curious, Ezra tapped on it, biting his lip lightly. He knew the name; Patrick had been the mayor for quite a few years before he'd been replaced, and the O'Donahues were one of the richest families around, owning a decent slice of the city and one of the most expensive houses right on the outskirts. 

Under the 'personal life' section, Ezra found a list of Patrick's children, and right there, in black and white: Anthony O'Donahue. They didn't have their own article, but there was a short sentence to say that they hadn't been seen in quite a few years and were widely believed to have run away when they were a teenager, as they had been a bit of a wild child of the family. Something told Ezra that AJ wouldn't have run away, though. He wasn't sure he could explain it, but it just didn't feel right. 

Ezra sighed and slipped the wallet away, then locked his phone and tried to process this new information. He wasn't sure he could imagine AJ growing up in such a rich family, and the thought made him oddly sad. If AJ hadn't run away, it seemed likely they hadn't left by choice. Ezra felt as if he'd just found a corner piece in the jigsaw puzzle that was AJ's past, and while he was starting to get the feeling of the picture, he knew he wouldn't be sure of anything for a while yet. 

About another forty five minutes dragged past before, at last, a tall man in a long white coat hurried over to Ezra, holding his hand out. Standing up fast enough to make himself dizzy, Ezra grabbed the man’s hand and shook it. 

“I’m Doctor Jensen, I’ve been taking care of your friend. He’s doing well already, I just need some more information from you, I want to go over what you told the nurse, okay? What’s your name?”

"Ezra Fell," Ezra answered, his voice raspy, his stance shifting endlessly with nervous energy. “They um...they were doing a stage performance, um...dancing, and they stumbled and then collapsed. I went over as quickly as I could and they were breathing okay, I checked their head for any obvious injuries and couldn’t find any, so I decided to drive them.” 

The doctor raised an eyebrow. “Why not call an ambulance?” 

Ezra winced, shoving his hands in his pockets awkwardly. “Um, the owner of the club they were dancing at wouldn’t let us, and I didn’t want to waste time arguing.” 

The eyebrow remained raised. “Okay...so do you know what drugs he’s taken in the last twenty four hours? Any amphetamines, opiates, hallucinogens, barbiturates?” 

Immediately bristling with anger, Ezra clenched his jaw before speaking, taking a breath to keep himself calm. “Actually, they use ‘they’ pronouns and go by AJ. And they don’t even drink, I should know, I’m the bartender.” 

Dr. Jensen just shrugged. “His chart says Anthony and male, so I’m going to go by that. And we’re doing a full screen anyway, I was just asking to save time if you knew,” he said simply, then glanced at his pager. “It looks like Anthony is awake, and apparently ready for visitors, so you can come back with me while I talk to him.” 

Ezra did his best to shove the rage down, curling his fingers into fists while he scuttled along after Dr. Jensen, struggling to keep up as he turned down a side hallway that ended in a set of double doors. He held one open for Ezra, who hurried after him to find himself in a large room with several beds, all separated by a privacy curtain, although only one of them was occupied. 

AJ's gurney was set so they were sitting up, looking shaky and exhausted, their hands in their lap, an IV in their arm running up to a couple of different drips. They looked up at Ezra and briefly seemed surprised before smiling ever so slightly. Their makeup had been removed, leaving their beautiful freckles on display once more, although Ezra was rather distracted by the pale, drawn look to their face, and, worst of all, the fingerprint bruises on their neck. They looked dark and fairly recent, and just the thought made Ezra's stomach turn. 

He did his best to push this away, though, and hurried over to AJ, forgetting about the nurse and the doctor watching him in his desperation to comfort the person he loved so dearly. “Hey! You scared the shit out of me!” he exclaimed, gently grabbing their hand in both of his, and AJ managed another small smile, their eyes washed out and distant. 

“Hey,” they rasped softly, their fingers trying to wrap around Ezra’s feebly. “I’m sorry.” 

Jensen was suddenly beside Ezra, clipboard in hand, his gaze firmly fixed on AJ’s charts. 

“Welcome back to the world, Anthony. It seems that your viral count has spiked significantly since it was last checked, which is why you’ve been unhealthy and why you fainted. I need to know whether you’ve been taking your medication properly.” 

Ezra cleared his throat awkwardly. “Um, it’s AJ,” he asserted quietly, and the doctor glanced at him before apparently dismissing his existence. AJ looked at Ezra for a second, cheeks flushing, their eyes wide with apprehension, and then they sighed and switched their gaze back to the doctor, resignation written all over their expression. 

“Yes, I take them every night,” AJ said in a certain, although still hoarse tone. 

The doctor nodded and looked down at the charts again, then nodded. “Okay, then it seems likely that you need to be on some new medication. HIV can often become resistant to certain drugs over time, we’ll check the blood we drew to make sure, but in the meantime, we’ll put you on a new combination of medication to treat the symptoms you’re currently getting.” 

Ezra stared at the doctor for a moment, then looked at AJ, who was very carefully not looking at him. “HIV?” he echoed quietly, and AJ closed their eyes for a second, then nodded ever so slightly before finally looking at Ezra, their expression begging him not to say anything. He sighed and swallowed the words on his tongue, glancing at Jensen as he continued to talk. 

“You’ve been put on a drip to get your fluids and blood sugar back up, as you came in severely dehydrated and with very low blood sugar, which would be why you fainted. Your ECG and X-rays look completely clear, but I’ve also arranged for you to get an MRI done next week to make sure there’s nothing more sinister going on in your brain. For now, though, I need you to be drinking plenty of fluids. We’re going to give you some very high-nutrition protein shakes to allow you to eat without worrying about your throat, okay?” 

AJ just nodded, and Jensen glanced at Ezra before smiling. “Good, you’ll need plenty of rest from now on, okay? Keep eating and drinking, you won’t be released until we’ve seen that you’ve eaten something. Oh, and you should make an appointment with your GP in a week to check your viral count, and if your cough isn’t gone by then, you need to bring it up to them.” 

AJ nodded again and thanked the doctor quietly, watching him walk off. 

Still trembling ever so slightly with the sheer shock and adrenaline, Ezra sat down on the edge of the bed carefully, AJ’s hand still in his. They weren’t quite looking at him, their cheeks still flushed. 

“HIV, huh?” Ezra began softly, and AJ flinched ever so slightly, their perfect bottom lip caught between their teeth. “I um...I don’t know much about it,” Ezra admitted quietly, his thumb running over their knuckles ever so slowly. “But I’m here to support you, I promise. Whatever you need, I just want you to be okay,” he murmured, knowing he meant absolutely every word. 

AJ shifted slightly and swallowed, their eyes shiny with tears. “Thanks,” they mumbled, their fingers tightening around Ezra’s, their hands trembling. “I could...I could really do with my glasses, my contacts feel really dry,” they went on quietly, and Ezra let the change of subject slide, forcing a small smile.

“David packed some stuff from your locker, I could go get the bag and check if they're in there?" He suggested softly, and AJ looked at him at last, their lips twitching up at the corners. 

“That would be great.” 

Ezra nodded and reached out slowly, letting his hand rest on their warm cheek for a moment, his thumb running over their cheekbone. Then he leaned in hurriedly and pressed a fleeting kiss to their forehead, immediately slipping off the bed and walking away before they could say anything. 

As soon as Ezra stepped out into the freezing night air, all he could think about was the revelation of AJ's HIV status. 

Knowing that they were HIV positive made a lot of sense. He thought back to how scared they'd been when he'd tried to treat their wounds, and how much better they'd felt as soon as he'd put gloves on. It made sense, but it still felt...sad.

Ezra didn't know how else to describe the feeling sitting heavy in his chest. It didn't bother him, not exactly - it didn't change his love for them in any way, but he couldn't help feeling sorry for them. From the little they'd said about their past, they hadn't had much choice in living the life they had now, and Ezra had a feeling their condition was probably linked to their profession. The bruises certainly didn’t help his unease, he knew whoever had done that to them was likely a client, and he couldn’t imagine what they must have gone through to end up with handprints on their throat. As he walked to the car, Ezra shoved his hands into his pockets, trying to breathe slowly through the nausea that had stirred up again at the thought of some pervert with his hands around AJ’s neck. Ezra took a deep breath as he grabbed AJ’s tote bag, reminding himself that he needed to focus on AJ getting better before anything else. There was no point even thinking of confronting them about who had hurt them so badly or trying to talk to them about getting them help, not until they were at least out of hospital and on the mend. 

It still felt odd knowing, he reflected as he headed back towards the hospital, trying to distract himself from the discomfort of having been up on his feet for far too long. It felt almost like a breach of privacy, being forced to learn something about AJ that they'd never talked about to anyone. Although he supposed a lot of the conversations he had with them could fall under that category - they weren't exactly an open book with everyone they met. But this seemed different to him. 

They'd looked downright scared when the doctor had brought it up, and Ezra had recognised the shame on their face when he'd asked them about it. Knowing as much as he did about their self-esteem, or, more accurately, lack thereof, it seemed likely that they thought it made them undesirable or repulsive in some way. Ezra knew he'd need to confront that idea head-on at some point - although now was definitely not the time. 

By the time Ezra got back to the room AJ was in, they were already halfway back to unconsciousness, their eyes closing up, their head nodding slightly, so he did his best not to make too much noise as he sat down on the edge of the bed and began to rummage in the bag. 

"Ezra?" 

He looked up quickly to see AJ smiling at him sleepily, their eyes half closed. 

"Yes, sweetheart?" He said quickly, and they took a deep, slow breath. 

"Mm, I'm sorry, but I think I'm just going to sleep. Could you put the bed down for me please? I took my contacts out." 

"Of course, magpie," Ezra murmured quickly, flashing AJ a small smile before helping them with the bed, rubbing their shoulder as they curled up and closed their eyes. After a moment's thought, Ezra slipped his hand into theirs, squeezing gently. AJ's fingers closed around his, but their grip got progressively weaker over the next few minutes, their breathing evening out as well, their body sinking into a comfortable sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys!  
> I know this is a big reveal chapter, I hope you enjoyed it! These two might actually start sorting things out soon!  
> Anyway, I hope you're all well, and as always, I'd love to hear your thoughts!  
> <3<3<3


	28. Chapter Twenty Eight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter includes: injury description, dysphoria, medical transphobia, disordered eating behaviour, PTSD, general angst.

The first thing AJ felt was the pain in their head, aching behind their eyes. Their face felt itchy, something pressing against their cheeks, and their whole body hurt, their lungs especially. Their chest collapsed inwards and they began to cough, hearing someone hurrying around them. Whatever had been against their cheeks was pulled away, and they opened their eyes to see an oxygen mask being lifted from their face. A nurse leaned over them, rubbing their shoulder gently. 

"That's it, you're alright. Let me raise the bed a bit," he soothed, raising the back of the bed slightly to bring AJ's upper body into a more upright position. They managed to stop coughing, looking around shakily and feeling a sense of rising panic as they realised they were in a hospital. 

"Hey, look at me, my name is Marcus, and I'm your nurse, alright?" The nurse said softly, his smile bright and friendly. His black hair was neatly cropped, his eyes a deep, rich brown, and he somehow looked incredibly approachable. 

AJ managed a tiny nod and Marcus smiled, still rubbing their shoulder lightly. 

"I'm going to ask you some questions, just try to answer, but there's no rush, okay? What's your name?" 

AJ swallowed, their throat still feeling awful, their mouth dry. "Anthony O'Donahue," they mumbled, and Marcus nodded, picking up a clipboard from the bedside table. 

"Where do you live?" 

"Hazel Avenue," AJ sighed, feeling heavy and uncomfortable, trying to move their legs. They quickly realised they were completely naked apart from a thin, almost papery gown and a matching blanket, and they did their best to keep their breathing even, their hands shaking at the thought of being so exposed. 

"And how old are you?" 

"Twenty four," AJ answered, turning their head as Marcus made a mark on the clipboard. 

"What year is it?" 

"Twenty twenty." 

"The prime minister is..?" 

"An incoherent twat," AJ muttered, and Marcus chuckled, nodding slightly. 

"Yep. Alright, how about your preferred name and pronouns?" Marcus smiled, and AJ blinked at him in surprise, then managed a small answering smile. 

"I go by AJ and they/them," they said quietly, and he nodded again. 

"Cool, I like that name. I'll make a note on your chart, okay? Now, do you remember what happened?" 

AJ shook their head, wincing at the pain and biting their lip lightly. 

"That's okay, it's fairly common. What's the last thing you remember?" 

"I was um...going on stage to do my set, but I don't remember anything after that," they admitted softly, and Marcus smiled at them, making another note on the clipboard. 

"You collapsed halfway through, and um...your coworker? I think that's what he said, he brought you in. Ezra Fell. How do you know him?" Marcus asked gently, and AJ found themself smiling ever so slightly at the sound of Ezra's name. 

"He's my coworker, yeah. We um...I guess we're friends, too, and we've been on some dates," AJ said slowly, feeling their cheeks start to heat up as they looked down at their lap. "We're on a break, though." 

Marcus frowned slightly, his voice sounding a bit less cheerful when he next spoke. "Okay. And how is Ezra with you?" 

"Oh, he's lovely," AJ answered hurriedly, having a feeling that they knew where this was going. "He's really gentle and kind, I really, really like him," they went on sincerely, biting their lip in an attempt to hide their shy smile. "The only reason we're not dating is because my boss won't let me." 

Marcus wrote something down again and gave AJ a puzzled look. "Why's that?" 

AJ swallowed hard, suddenly nervous, realising they'd probably said too much. "She doesn't want me distracted," they answered shortly, not sure what else to say. They wanted to come across as friendly, since the nurse seemed so nice, but they also didn't want to talk about their work. Not to a stranger, however pleasant he seemed. 

Marcus glanced at the clipboard again and sighed. "Alright, AJ. The doctor has ordered an ECG and an X-ray for you, all standard procedure for someone who passed out. We'll do the ECG first. Have you had one before?" 

AJ shook their head and Marcus stood up from where he'd been leaning against the side of the bed. 

"No worries. All it does is measure the electrical activity of the heart, okay? I'm going to have to stick lots of little pads to you while the machine runs. It might be a bit uncomfortable, but it won't hurt you at all. I'll just go and get the machine, okay?" 

AJ stared at nothing for a while, still feeling dizzy and hazy, their eyelids fluttering as they fought the sleepiness suddenly washing over them in waves. Then a thought struck, looming out of the fog and making them blink as they came back to full consciousness.  _ Ezra was here.  _

Ezra had brought them to the hospital, which meant he was in the building. AJ looked up sharply as Marcus pulled the curtain around their bed back again, wheeling a fairly small machine over to their bedside. 

"I want to see Ezra," AJ announced, and Marcus glanced at them in surprise before turning around to draw the curtain again. 

"That's alright, AJ. You'll get to see him in a bit, don't worry," he soothed, reaching over them to carefully fold their blanket back. "We'll get these tests out of the way first, and then when he comes in to see you, you can relax a bit." 

AJ nodded slightly, accepting this as they sank back down against the mattress. Marcus gave them a sympathetic look and then sighed. 

"I forgot about your makeup, I'll need to take it off first, okay? Let me go get some warm water and a flannel." 

AJ didn't have time to protest before he was already walking off, so they just reached up, carefully peeling their false eyelashes off while they waited. Once Marcus came back, he gently guided AJ to tilt their chin up and washed their makeup from their face, helping them dry off before setting the stuff aside and sighing quietly. He gave them a worried look and sat down on the edge of the bed, pointing to their neck. "Can you tell me how you got these bruises?" 

AJ swallowed and quickly covered their throat with their hands, trying not to think about Gabriel and his touch. "I-I'm a sex worker, it's part of the job." 

"I'm not sure that it should be," Marcus sighed, and AJ turned away sharply, gritting their teeth, the pain of being judged sharp and insistent. "Sorry, it's part of my job to assess if patients are at risk of domestic abuse," Marcus explained quickly, and AJ relaxed slightly, but still didn't look at him. "I’ll get you some cards with some helpful numbers on them anyway, before you leave. But for now, let's get these tests done so you can see Ezra." 

AJ managed a tiny smile and let their hands fall away from their neck, looking down at their lap. 

"Okay." 

"Good, we're all good," Marcus smiled softly, reaching out to squeeze their shoulder lightly. "I'm really sorry, AJ, I know this is uncomfortable for you, but I need to open your gown, just for five minutes, okay?"

Painfully aware there was nothing under their gown, AJ forced a shaky nod, looking away from their body as Marcus carefully untied the strings and pulled the gown aside. They really, really didn't want to see themself at that moment. 

"There we go, you're alright," Marcus soothed, and AJ jumped slightly when they felt his touch, the sticky pad pressing against one of their legs, near their ankle. "Well, you're lucky you've got such smooth legs," Marcus chuckled, placing another electrode on their other leg. "A lot of people find having them taken off is the worst part, but it won't be so bad with no hair." 

Despite their exhaustion, AJ found that they couldn't help smiling, Marcus's cheeriness was just far too infectious. He carefully placed another electrode on each of their wrists, then moved up to their chest. 

"How do you get so smooth?" He grinned, and AJ smiled a little wider, relaxing and even looking down to watch as he stuck the little pads on their chest, close to their nipple. 

"I get waxed regularly," they answered softly, and he winced. 

"Damn, taking these off should be a cakewalk, then," he hummed, then glanced at them and smiled. "I love all your piercings, by the way." 

"Oh, thanks," AJ murmured, biting their lip shyly. "I like making my body feel...more mine." 

Marcus nodded, placing the last sticky pad and leaning over to turn the machine on. "Yeah, I get what you mean, I have quite a few tattoos, and I feel the same about them," he said quietly, carefully pulling the blanket back up to at least cover AJ's hips. "You just sit tight for a minute, okay? I'm going to go get a tray for you to put your piercings in, you'll need to take them out for the X-ray." 

AJ nodded and watched Marcus slip out, closing their eyes and letting their head fall back against their meager pillow. After a few minutes, he came back, setting a small tray down on the bedside table. AJ opened their eyes sleepily, blinking at him, and he simply smiled. 

"You've only got a couple more minutes to go, don't worry." 

Nodding, AJ took a slow breath, then smiled at him, trying to get their exhausted eyes to focus. "You wouldn't happen to have a hair tie somewhere, would you?"

"I expect I could probably find one somewhere," Marcus nodded, then gestured to the machine. "Let's get this done and then I can go on a quest while you sort your piercings out."

AJ nodded and closed their eyes again, trying to ignore how dry their contacts felt as they just waited. It felt like only seconds before Marcus was leaning over them again, thanks to their light doze, and they hardly flinched as he removed the electrodes. He packed the machine up and flashed them a quick smile, announcing that he'd be right back. 

As soon as he was gone, AJ got to work tiredly, taking out the piercings in their belly button, nipples, eyebrow, nose, ears, and...one last place, setting them all in the little metal tray Marcus had left for them. They ended up feeling a bit naked, but they just pulled the blanket over themself again, relaxing back just as Marcus slipped into their little 'room.'

"Hey, I found this," he smiled, offering them a hair tie. AJ took it with a quiet 'thank you' then quickly split their hair into three sections, plaiting it loosely just to keep it out of the way. Once they'd finished, Marcus helped them put their gown back on and pulled the curtain back. 

"I have to wheel the gurney to the X-ray lab, okay? You just relax." 

AJ smiled to themself and nodded, closing their eyes. They found the trip to the X-ray lab quite peaceful, all in all, and they were soon back in the room they'd started in, the curtain drawn once again. Marcus made sure they were comfortable, then smiled at them, squeezing their shoulder one last time. 

"The doctor will be coming soon, okay? I'm going to leave you now, but this button here on your bed will let me know if you need anything." 

"Thank you," AJ rasped, smiling slightly as they watched him slip out, drawing the front curtain back as he went. A few moments later, AJ heard footsteps and opened their exhausted eyes, relief flooding through them as soon as they saw Ezra's soft, worried face. They wanted to jump up and hug him, to curl up against his chest, but instead, they settled for a shy smile. He rushed forward, grabbing their hand, and they relaxed at last, letting go of all their tension now that they were with him, protected by him. 

* * *

AJ woke up disoriented, their brain taking a good few moments to remind them of where they were and why. They felt groggy and heavy, their body not responding quite right as they realised their hand was strangely warm. They managed to turn their head, although it took them a little while to recognise the mop of curly platinum blond hair as Ezra.

He was fast asleep, leaning on the bed, his fingers twined with theirs, his mouth open ever so slightly. AJ smiled to themself vaguely.

It was a relief to see him there, still with them, holding their hand. They'd been sure that he hated them after their fight and had been doing their best to stay out of his way, but here he was, asleep in a cold plastic chair,  _ with them. _ They glanced around sleepily, then reached over sluggishly, struggling to get their coordination back as they slid their fingers into Ezra's soft hair. 

"Ez?" AJ mumbled, forcing their throat to work, their voice coming out so rasped it was almost impossible to understand. Their throat still ached from another of Gabriel's violent sessions two - well, three days ago now - and their tongue felt thick and dry. "Ezra?" 

The curly mess stirred and let out a soft little sigh before going still again, so AJ ruffled his hair, fingers curling stiffly, tangling in his locks. 

"Ezra, please," they begged softly, starting to feel small and frightened alone in the stark room. They'd always been scared of hospitals, and being trapped in a narrow bed with needles in their arm was a long way from their ideal morning. They needed comfort and they needed it  _ now. _

Ezra stirred again and this time his eyelids flickered open, blinking a few times before he suddenly seemed to wake completely, sitting up hurriedly. "AJ? Are you okay?" 

AJ nodded shakily, trying to grab at him, their stiff fingers catching in his shirt just before he leaned forward, wrapping them up in his soft warmth, encircling them in strong, protective safety. They buried their face in his neck, breathing in his comforting scent, allowing themself to melt against him as they clung to the back of his shirt. 

He pulled away far too quickly, though, muttering something about not hurting them as he turned away to grab their glasses from the bedside table. 

AJ sighed and just let him go, staring up at him as he slowly sat down on the edge of the bed, handing their glasses over. As soon as they'd slipped them on, he took their hand again, smiling down at them worriedly. "How do you feel?" 

"Shitty," AJ mumbled, closing their eyes again and feeling Ezra's other hand on their cheek, his thumb running over their rather prominent cheekbone. 

"You haven't been eating and drinking enough," Ezra said softly, and, to their surprise, AJ felt his breath on their face briefly before he pressed a soft kiss to their forehead. "I'm worried about you." 

"M'okay," AJ lied softly, opening their eyes to see Ezra still leaning over them, soft blue eyes full of concern and compassion. He just sighed and fixed their hair gently, moving an unruly lock away from their forehead. 

"I'm not that stupid," he said with a quiet, humourless chuckle, and AJ shrugged, squeezing his hand lightly. 

"You can't argue with me, I'm in hospital." 

Ezra laughed properly this time, although his eyes were still soft as he stroked his thumb over their knuckles slowly. "I think that kind of proves my point, sweetheart, but okay. How about you try to drink one of these shakes they gave you?" He suggested, leaning over to open a case of shakes that was sitting on the bedside table.

"No, I don't-" 

"The nurse came around earlier this morning and said that if you didn't drink today, they'd have to use a feeding tube," Ezra interrupted firmly, pressing the carton into their hand. "Come on," he encouraged with a much more gentle tone, a smile twitching at his lips. "I know you can do it, sweetheart." 

AJ sighed heavily and rolled their eyes, but allowed Ezra to help them raise the bed so they could sit up. They tried to poke the straw through the little foil-covered hole, but their hands were shaking far too badly, so Ezra gently took the straw, poking it through for them and stroking their hair as they took the first sip. 

"That's it. It's okay to take it slow," he added quickly, and AJ nodded, not answering in case they gagged.

They managed to swallow and grabbed for his hand again, so he laced their fingers together, squeezing tightly. 

"Don't worry, I'm not going anywhere," he soothed, and AJ closed their eyes, letting their head tip back. 

"Thank you," they mumbled, and Ezra's other hand ran along the top of their thigh, his thumb rubbing over their knee briefly. 

"You're always welcome, little bird." 

They glanced at him and smiled softly, the new pet name making them warm from the inside out, filling with happiness as they gazed into those tender, honest blue eyes. 

"Have some more," he pushed gently, and they took a couple more sips obediently, feeling his hand in their hair and on their thigh as they drank. He kept encouraging them, on and on, his soft smiles making them want to finish the drink as much as he wanted them to, and eventually, after a good half an hour, they'd managed to down all of the little carton. 

"I'm so proud of you, sweetheart," Ezra smiled, and AJ gently tugged on his hand, smiling back at him shyly. 

"Have I earned a hug?" They asked softly and sweetly, their voice still a little hoarse and hesitant. Ezra stared at them for a second, then shook his head slightly, a slow grin spreading across his face. 

"You're far too cute, it's not at all fair," he chuckled, leaning over and humming softly as he hugged them as tight as he dared. AJ nuzzled against him immediately, once again breathing him in, treasuring his touch. 

After about thirty long, blissful seconds, Ezra gently pulled away again, smoothing out AJ's blankets before sitting down in his chair once more. His hand slid into theirs automatically, squeezing lightly, and they smiled at him, already feeling tired again. 

They briefly wondered what would happen when they left the hospital, whether they would go back to not talking to each other, but they tried to push the thought away before it could do too much damage. Just the thought was far too painful. 

"I missed you," AJ mumbled suddenly, unable to stop themself from saying it, but also unable to look Ezra in the eye. He let out a very quiet sigh and lifted their hand to his lips, kissing their knuckles softly. 

"I don't think we should be having a big emotional conversation right now," he said quietly, his voice just a touch shaky. "But I missed you too." 

The rest of AJ's hospital stay passed fairly quickly. They spent most of it drifting in and out of sleep, always with Ezra beside them. He managed to get them to drink a second shake a couple hours after the first, and the daytime nurse seemed eager to get AJ on their way out of the hospital. 

By midday, she was practically dragging them out of bed herself, so Ezra stepped outside to call Anathema. 

While he was gone, AJ heaved themself into a sitting position and just sat there for a bit, then reached for their bag and grabbed it, pulling out a pair of socks that they just about managed to slip on before taking another break. Just as they were about to reach for their underwear, they heard footsteps and looked up as Ezra slipped past the curtain, rushing forward as soon as he realised what they were doing. 

"Are you okay? You can stay for a bit longer if-" 

"I want to go home," AJ interrupted quietly, flashing him a shaky smile. "I don't like hospitals." 

"Me neither," Ezra admitted with a chuckle, gently helping swing their legs over the edge of the bed. "How do you want to do this? Can you stand?" Ezra asked softly. 

AJ shrugged, slowly sliding off the edge of the bed and standing up. They stumbled almost immediately, falling into Ezra's arm as he caught them gently. 

"Alright. Here," he murmured, handing them their underwear. "I'll hold you steady while you put them on, and then I'll help you with the rest, alright?" 

AJ nodded, their cheeks on fire as Ezra looked away, giving them as much privacy as possible to pull their underwear on underneath their gown. They nearly fell, but Ezra caught their waist again, apologising softly as their weight dropped against his chest. AJ winced, hating having to be so reliant, and cleared their throat awkwardly. 

"They're on," they mumbled, and Ezra turned to face them again, gently pulling at the strings on their gown, untying it for them carefully. AJ hugged themself reflexively as the thin papery fabric fell away from their body, and Ezra froze, his eyes wide. What little makeup had remained on their skin after Marcus's cleaning the night before had now rubbed off completely, leaving their bruises stark and obvious, some faded, some angry purple and yellow. 

Ezra's breath came out in a shaky sigh and he blinked quickly, his eyes wet. He handed AJ their shirt with a trembling hand, and they slipped it on, glad he didn't seem like he was going to say anything. 

"Sit down, sweetheart," he murmured, his voice rough with almost-tears, his hands gentle as he guided them. They fell back onto the mattress and just stared at nothing as Ezra crouched down, starting to slide their sweatpants over their feet. 

AJ looked at him shakily, looked at those messy curls and the way he was having to try very hard not to cry. They felt so, so  _ tired. _ All they wanted was to wrap Ezra up in their arms and plead with him to forgive them, to sob into his soft chest and feel his gentle hands on them. It would be so easy to just reach out and touch him, to pull him up, to drag him into a kiss.

But that would leave them open to what they knew was more likely - that he would push them away, he'd be unable to forgive, he'd tell them he didn't want them anymore. AJ felt their throat close up, their eyes stinging as they closed them quickly. Just because he was there, just because he'd held their hand and was helping them dress, it didn't mean he still felt the same way. It wasn't a sure sign that they hadn't ruined the best thing that happened to them in at least a decade. 

"Ezra.." 

Ezra looked up suddenly and AJ opened their eyes, tears escaping and running down their cheeks slowly. He jumped up and pulled them into a gentle hug, cradling their head against his shoulder with one hand. 

"Shhh, it's alright, sweetheart. I'm right here, it's okay," he soothed, rocking them slightly. AJ just buried their face in his warmth and clung to him, letting the tears fall - tears of shame and sadness and anger and pain, all running down and soaking into Ezra's shirt. "It's okay," Ezra said softly, and AJ gently pulled away, wiping their cheeks shakily as he helped them stand up and pull their sweats on over their hips. 

"That's it. Don't cry, magpie, okay? I'm going to get you home, and you're going to rest up, and we'll...I don't know, but we'll figure something out, okay? I'm here for you," he said firmly, cupping their jaw in his hands and meeting their gaze steadily, his blue eyes full of caring sincerity. AJ nodded slightly, and Ezra smiled worriedly, pressing a soft kiss to their cheek before helping them with their shoes and leading them out of the room. 

It felt like a very long walk to the car, as AJ kept having to stop and sit down, the dizziness getting too bad to see, let alone walk, but Ezra was incredibly patient, sitting with them and rubbing their back until they needed help walking again. When they got to the car, AJ hesitated, uncertain, and Ezra opened the passenger door for them quickly. 

"Here. I um...I drove you, last night," he mumbled, and AJ blinked in shock, their mouth open slightly.

"But...you.." 

"I didn't say I drove well," Ezra pointed out with a strained chuckle, the voice of a man trying to downplay something traumatic. "Anathema was supposed to come drive, but an emergency came up, and she couldn't make it. But you're here, so I think I can probably manage to get you home."

"Probably," AJ said softly, forcing a teasing smile and ignoring the part of them that was jumping up and down and screaming about how this was absolute, undeniable proof that he still loved them, that he would be willing to face his worst, most intense fear -  _ for them.  _

But it wasn't easy to push aside, and when Ezra took their hand, supporting them as they got into the car, all they wanted to do was grab him and kiss him. They held themself back and did up their seatbelt, looking away slightly as Ezra closed the door. They still felt that odd, clinging embarrassment, knowing that they were so incredibly weak, but they did their best to ignore that, too. At least they knew Ezra wouldn't take advantage. 

AJ glanced at him as he got in behind the wheel, then closed their eyes and let their head fall back as the car rattled to life. 

"Where do you want me to take you? You could...come back to mine. I could always sleep on the couch, and Anathema wouldn't mind," Ezra suggested very softly as soon as he'd buckled his seatbelt, and AJ let out a quiet sigh. 

"I'd like to go back to mine, please," they mumbled, and felt the car start to move as Ezra backed out of the space. "I don't feel well, and I'd rather just be at my own place." 

"That's understandable. And it's not long now, alright? I'll get you home," he said simply, almost sounding disappointed - although AJ tried to dismiss that as wishful thinking. Whatever it was, AJ just nodded slightly in answer and started to curl up, pulling their knees into their chest, but Ezra's hand blocked them, the car stopping. 

"Put your feet on the floor please, sweetheart." His voice was quiet, but firm, and even before they opened their eyes and saw it on his face, AJ could hear the undertones of fear. 

"Okay?" They said slowly, and Ezra looked away, going back to what he'd been doing, finishing the turn and slipping the car into second. 

"You're far more likely to get injured in a crash if you're not sitting properly," he explained, his cheeks burning in shame, not even glancing at AJ as he pulled out of the parking lot. "I'm sorry, I just-" 

"It's fine," AJ interrupted quickly, closing their eyes again and trying to relax into their seat. But Ezra wasn't exactly a great driver. 

He struggled with the gears thanks to a lack of practice, and tended to brake far too often, generally every time he saw a car. Within the first five minutes, AJ was already struggling to keep the nausea down. Every movement jostled them, causing their exhausted and malnourished body to protest. 

They did their best to keep their breathing even and slow, focusing on staring forward and trying to anticipate Ezra's bouts of braking. He clearly didn't deal well with having to navigate traffic, and if AJ hadn't known about his history, it would have been infuriating. As it was, they just hoped it would end soon. 

Eventually, they did somehow reach AJ's apartment, and they fumbled for the handle as soon as the car stopped, throwing themself out. They fell back against it, shaking slightly, and Ezra was suddenly beside them, squeezing their shoulder. 

"Hey, you okay?" 

AJ tried to answer, but the world was spinning around them, their knees feeling like jelly, and Ezra scooped them up, one arm around their back, under their ribs, the other under their knees. Shocked, AJ instinctively slid their arms around his neck and turned their face away from the rapidly rotating sky, into Ezra's shirt. It was horribly embarrassing, having to be carried into their building like a damsel in distress, but on the other hand, they could feel Ezra's strong arms under them, the warmth of his chest, the fabric of his sweater rubbing against their cheek. They clung to him a little tighter and he sighed, crouching down by the front door and setting them on their feet carefully. 

Already feeling woozy again, AJ grabbed at Ezra, leaning into him heavily, their arm around him, and he nodded slightly. 

"Which key, magpie?" 

"Round brass," AJ muttered, and Ezra finally got the door unlocked, pushing it open and gently leading AJ through. He pressed the button for the elevator and stood still, letting AJ lean on him without any protests.

Thanks to the dizziness, AJ at least didn't have to fight their imagination this time. They didn't have to think about kissing Ezra or hugging him - it was taking all their brain power to stay upright. When the elevator dinged, they jumped slightly, but Ezra didn't seem to notice, helping them forward and pressing the button for their floor. AJ grabbed onto the handle and leaned against the wall of the elevator as it jolted, their eyes closed firmly, and vaguely felt Ezra's hand on their shoulder. Everything was starting to get distant again, AJ struggling to keep their grip on themself when everything was so difficult. They were so physically exhausted that they were starting to feel their mind slipping away, even without any sexual situation to escape from, and it was getting harder and harder to claw their way back to reality. 

Ezra's arm around them felt comfortingly solid, however, and he led them out of the elevator, unlocking their apartment door and helping them inside. He led them straight in and to their room, holding their hand tightly as they sat down on the bed heavily, staring down at the carpet between their feet. 

Ezra crouched down in front of them, his hand briefly cradling the side of their head, his blue eyes meeting their blank, unfocused gaze. "AJ, I'm going to get the stuff from the car, okay? Just sit tight, I'll only be a minute." 

Thanks to AJ's gradually weakening grip on current events, it seemed like only a heartbeat before Ezra was there again, touching their hair, pulling it back behind their shoulders. 

"Sweetheart.." 

The pet name sounded odd, their chest suddenly aching as Ezra pressed something into their hand, the bed sinking beside them as he sat down. 

"You need to drink." 

Sluggish golden eyes fixed on the carton in their hand, and it took them a moment to realise it was one of the shakes from the hospital. Ezra's lips pressed against the side of their head, his fingers combing their tangled, unruly hair back again. 

"Please." 

Shaking ever so slightly, AJ lifted the straw to their lips, taking a sip. They almost gagged, but managed to swallow, and felt Ezra's arm around them. 

"That's it, sweetheart. You're doing really well," he praised softly, his voice sounding like warm silk, caressing their mind even as it tried to drift away. "Have some more, that's it." 

A few more sips and AJ tried to put it down, but Ezra's hand was there, wrapping around theirs ever so gently. 

"No, you can manage some more. I know you can, my beautiful, strong, perfect little bird," he soothed, and AJ wanted to believe it, they wanted with everything they had to make him proud. 

A long drink from the straw left them with half the carton, and Ezra rubbed a slow circle into their back. 

"Have some water as well. There you go," he encouraged patiently as AJ took a gulp of water, then went back to the shake. Their mind was coming back just enough to point out that as soon as the shake was finished, Ezra would let them lie down, and they could sleep. Sleep was almost theirs, a blissful release from reality. 

"Good. I'll put your pills and the other shakes on your desk, okay?" Ezra announced in a clear, calm voice, and AJ nodded, slowly moving to lie down, their back to the rest of the room. 

The bed sank again and they felt hands on the laces of their shoes, gently untying the bows and carefully sliding their sneakers off. 

"Um, I've got your phone here, should I put it on charge, or..?" 

AJ rolled over halfway and took it from his hand, having just enough time to see that they had several texts from both Michael and Gabriel before Ezra gently prised the phone from their grip and turned it off. 

"You need to rest, I don't want you getting worried over unimportant stuff, okay?" Ezra said quickly and firmly, as if trying to get his opinion in before AJ could protest. But they were far, far too exhausted for that. 

Just seeing the names on the screen had made them feel distant and shaky, and they turned their face into the pillow slightly - suddenly needing to be alone, needing to be unconscious. 

"Do...do you want me to stay?" Ezra asked slowly, and they just about managed to shake their head. 

"Okay...I um...I'll text you tonight, make sure you're okay, alright? If you need anything, anything at all, let me know, sweetheart." 

AJ couldn't summon the energy to even acknowledge this, so Ezra leaned over them carefully, squeezing their upper arm gently before pressing a kiss to their temple. 

"I'm here for you," he murmured, and then got up. The door clicked behind him and AJ slowly turned over, staring at the dark wood for a while, numb and exhausted. Then they picked up their phone and turned it back on, staring at the screen sleepily as it booted up. 

They had several texts from Michael and Gabriel, all to the effect of asking whether they'd be working that day. They answered with a simple 'no' to both, then turned their phone off again and tossed it onto the floor. 

Closing their eyes slowly, AJ curled up, ignoring the tears welling up and leaking out from under their eyelashes, ignoring everything except for the pull, dark and deep, warm and welcoming, tugging them gently down into unconsciousness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise there's a break from the angst soon! 29-35 are all pretty soft, so I hope you guys will enjoy them! These two definitely deserve some good times at this point lol   
> <3<3<3


	29. Chapter Twenty Nine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter includes: discussion of previous abusive relationship, discussion of HIV, mention of past medical transphobia (includes slurs), mention of underage sex work, negative self talk, disordered eating behaviour.

Loud knocking filtered into AJ's consciousness, bringing them from a deep sleep into wakefulness in record time. They frowned, opening their eyes and blinking, trying to clear the fuzziness from their mind. 

"AJ? Come on, open the door!" 

"Ezra?" They called out quietly, the frantic worry in the voice making it harder to recognise. They wanted to be absolutely sure it was him. 

There was a pause, and then a gentle rapping on their bedroom door. "Yeah, it's me, sweetheart. Bea let me in," Ezra said in softer tones, worry dripping off every syllable. "Can you open the door for me please, magpie?" 

AJ groaned softly and heaved themself up, stumbling a bit, but managing to right themself, making their way over to the door shakily and clicking the lock back. The door opened immediately and Ezra rushed through, kicking it shut behind him and sweeping AJ into his arms. His hand came up to the back of their head and, confused, they leaned into his chest, hugging back loosely. 

"Jesus, I was so worried about you!" He breathed, then leaned back, his hands on AJ's shoulders, blue eyes narrowed. "Two whole days since I dropped you off from the hospital, and you can't text me back even once just so I know you're alive?" 

His tone was still worried, but much more snappish and AJ couldn’t help themself. They were confused and still utterly exhausted, and they immediately felt defensive, their jaw tightening already. 

"Look, I wasn't well, was I? I've been sleeping this whole time!" AJ shot back sharply, and Ezra flinched away from them slightly, his hands dropping to his sides almost submissively as AJ's heart sank into their stomach. 

Ezra was frightened of them. 

The realisation made them feel nauseous, hating themself, their fingers curling into fists by their sides, then relaxing as the tears welled up and spilled over and their chest sank in the first shaky sob. 

"I-I'm sorry!" They choked out, swaying slightly as they tried to stay upright. Ezra caught them gently, steering them to the bed and sitting them down slowly as the sobs intensified, pain and fear washing over AJ all at once. They couldn't lose Ezra, not now, they had to  _ do something. _ Their hands shaking, AJ tried to grab at Ezra's sides, still sobbing, tears streaming down their cheeks, but he just gently embraced them, stroking their hair slowly, lovingly. 

"Shhh, sweetheart. It's okay. I'm here, my beautiful little bird. Try to calm down, alright? It's okay." 

AJ shook their head desperately, sobbing even harder now as they hated themself even more. Ezra was being so kind, and they didn't deserve it; they deserved to be yelled at and cursed at, not gentle hugs. They tried to choke out more broken apologies, but Ezra shushed them softly, pulling away from the hug to hold their hands tightly, giving a little squeeze. 

"Look at me, beautiful. I don't know what you're sorry for, I can't understand. I need you to take some really deep breaths for me and try to stop crying, alright?" 

AJ nodded shakily, taking deep, gasping breaths, their body shuddering as Ezra reached out and began to stroke their hair slowly, smiling at them encouragingly.

"That's it, sweetheart. There you go," he murmured as they began to calm down, taking deep, easy breaths at last. They looked down in shame, tears still running down their cheeks, and then forced themself to meet Ezra's worried gaze. 

"I'm sorry for being so awful to you the other day," they mumbled at last, hands shaking in Ezra's. "I was really scared and I felt guilty that you could have gotten hurt over me, but...I shouldn't have taken that out on you. A-and I'm especially sorry for the slap, I...I really, really shouldn't have done that," AJ sighed, biting their lip hard. "I really hope you can forgive me." 

Ezra took a deep breath and then moved closer to AJ, letting go of one of their hands to gently wipe the tears off their cheeks. "I shouldn’t have spoken to you like that in the first place. And I accept your apology, sweetheart," he murmured, and AJ nearly fainted all over again, their eyes wide, more tears welling up.

"God, I was so worried, I-"

But Ezra held up a hand, gently stopping the torrent of words as relief flooded through AJ. "I have to tell you something, though," he said quietly, and AJ immediately went silent, sniffling a bit as they watched Ezra with wide, scared eyes, terrified he'd say he didn't feel for them anymore or something equally terrible. 

Ezra sighed and looked down, shame burning his cheeks as he shook his head slightly. "I um...I had a bad relationship a few years ago. Really bad," he mumbled, rubbing the side of his nose awkwardly. "She um...started out so sweet and kind and I really loved her, but things got really bad by the end. Whenever she got stressed or upset, she'd always take it out on me, and I started thinking it was my fault all the time. Which is why I...I can't do hitting or raised voices. I love you, AJ. I really, truly do, but if it happens again, I...I can't do this," he finished quietly, taking a deep, shuddering breath before looking up at AJ with eyes full of tears. "I'm sorry." 

AJ shook their head quickly, forcing a smile and leaning in to kiss his cheek softly. "I promise it won't happen again. I swear," they murmured, cradling his other cheek in one hand and running their thumb over his skin, lingering a little too close to him. "And you shouldn't be apologising, I understand," they added, managing a more genuine smile. Ezra nodded slightly, his eyes flickering down, and then he leaned in, hesitating suddenly, his lips mere centimetres from AJ's. 

"Is this okay?" He breathed, and AJ let out a sound halfway between a sob and a laugh. 

"You'd better fucking kiss me in the next two seconds, or-" 

AJ  _ melted.  _ They immediately slid their hand into Ezra's hair, fingers curling as they pulled him deeper. A choir sang in the background, fireworks went off, and AJ felt like they could start sobbing all over again in simple relief. 

It was all they'd wanted for weeks now, just one simple little kiss, and now they were in Ezra's grasp, his lips sweet against theirs, his hands cupping their jaw. 

They could have gone on kissing him forever, they could have quite happily died in his hands, their lips locked together, but Ezra was already pulling away, so AJ flung themself at him, burying their face in his neck. Ezra chuckled softly, but AJ could hear the emotion in the sound, his arms coming up to squeeze them tightly, his head resting against theirs. 

"God, that felt good," he mumbled, and AJ nodded slightly in agreement, trying not to start crying all over again, despite their exhaustion and overwhelming emotions. 

"How about we lie down, my back is starting to ache," Ezra suggested quietly, and AJ nodded quickly, pulling away from his embrace so he could take his shoes off. They crawled onto the bed quickly, flopping down on their stomach and gazing up at Ezra, studying his perfect face, his beautiful blond curls. He looked so angelic in the warm early-afternoon light. All AJ wanted to do was grab him and kiss him all over again, to beg him to touch them and cuddle with them.

But they didn't even have to ask. Ezra crawled onto the bed, laying down on his side beside them, his smile soft and content. 

"Hey beautiful," he murmured, and AJ couldn't hold back any longer. They surged forward, grabbing his cheeks and kissing him again, deeper this time, more desperate. Ezra made a surprised noise, but relaxed immediately, drawing AJ deeper, matching their pace and passion. Needing more, needing everything all at once, needing all of Ezra.

Easily, in one smooth movement, Ezra rolled them over and was on top of them, straddling their hips while still kissing them deeply. Vaguely, AJ was aware that this should scare them, that he was in prime position to wrap his hands around their throat, but they weren't frightened. Ezra drew the kiss even deeper, his hips rocking, and then he was breaking away and slipping to the bed beside them, murmuring breathless apologies. AJ turned over immediately, grabbing at him gently and sliding a hand into his hair, grinning happily as they kissed him briefly, again and again and again. 

"It's okay. I trust you," AJ purred softly, contentedly, then relaxed and snuggled up to him, letting out a happy sigh as his arm wrapped around them, squeezing tight. 

"I love you," he mumbled, and AJ nodded, their own arm slipping around him, their body pressed to his. 

And then it hit them all at once; there, with his arms around them, his strong, protective, yet soft and cuddly warmth surrounding them, they realised that they were in love. 

Ezra was perfect, he was everything they'd never known they wanted, and they squeezed their eyes shut against the tears of joy welling up, promising themself that they wouldn't cry any more, despite the heady rush of emotion. They'd been in love for a while, they knew that now, but they'd been too scared to admit it to themself, let alone even think about saying it out loud. But the emotion was far too strong to continue ignoring, growing every second and already burning in their very soul with a fierce, needy passion. 

AJ shifted, tangling their legs with Ezra's, pressing closer into him, fingers curling in his hair. 

"It's alright, I've got you," Ezra murmured, apparently misunderstanding their needs. AJ just smiled to themself and let out a soft sigh. They loved Ezra more than they'd ever loved anyone before, and they knew he loved them too. It was absolute  _ bliss. _

Until their phone buzzed, interrupting the perfect silence, the warm, sweet sleepiness of that beautiful moment. Ezra reached behind him to grab it off the bedside table, handing it over to AJ with a small smile. They thanked him softly and unlocked it, then frowned. 

_ Michael, 13:21  _

_ Good afternoon, AJ. I hope you're back from the hospital by now and recovering well. If you could please text me back to let me know when you're planning to come in again, I can move the shifts around to make sure I have a full roster every night. If you need anything, let me know.  _

AJ sighed and handed the phone over to Ezra, who read the text, biting his lip softly. 

"I don't really trust her anymore," he mumbled, and AJ shook their head, looking down at their phone again. 

"Me neither, at all. But I can't just find another job," they muttered despondently, and Ezra ran his hand over their stomach slowly. 

"What's the worst she can do?" 

AJ winced and looked away, once again completely, utterly ashamed. "I don't know," they mumbled, biting their lip as they tried not to think of Gabriel. "I think I'm...I'm going to take a break from private clients for a bit. I...I don't always feel very safe." 

Ezra sighed softly, his hand finding theirs gently, squeezing nice and tight. "Is that where you've been getting all these bruises?" 

AJ nodded, taking another deep breath before closing their eyes against the tears of shame and anguish. "Y-yeah...it's this new client, he's...he's just really violent," they mumbled shakily, hating themself for lying. Ezra was silent for a moment, his jaw tight, his face carefully blank, carved out of stone. When he next spoke, his voice was thick with anger and sadness. 

"Yeah, you're taking a break from private clients for a while," he said firmly, and AJ turned at last, trying to breathe deeply as they burrowed into his chest, curling up against him. 

"You're safe now, beautiful, I've got you," Ezra mumbled, sniffing as AJ just let their tears fall, soaking straight into Ezra's shirt. "How about we install one of those panic apps on your phone? Just in case. Then you can call me and send me your location if you get into a bad situation at any point. It would make me feel better about things." 

AJ nodded quickly, and Ezra gently took their phone from their hand, pulling the blanket over them before starting to type. After a moment, he gently picked up AJ's hand and pressed their finger to the fingerprint sensor, making them laugh ever so softly, despite everything. Ezra gave a soft chuckle and hugged them a little tighter, humming to himself while he set up the app. After a while, he showed it to them, demonstrating the different ways they could use it to get in contact with him and helping them decide which was the best way. They settled on using the home button to both call Ezra and send him their live location, and tested it to make sure it worked. 

Once that was done, AJ opened their texting app again and just stared at the message from Michael, feeling drained and utterly exhausted. 

"How about two weeks?" Ezra suggested softly after a moment. "That should give you time to recover and go to your MRI and things, and you could go in for a half shift to start with," he murmured, and AJ nodded, stifling a yawn. 

"That's a good idea," they mumbled, and Ezra took their phone once more, typing out a quick message and showing it to them. 

_ AJ, 13:35 _

_ I'm back from the hospital now, thanks, but I think I still need two weeks to recover. I'm also going to take a break from private clients and I'd like my first shift to be a half shift, please, so I can be sure I'm up to going back to work.  _

AJ added a quick 'including Gabriel' after where Ezra had typed 'private clients,' then hit send, tossing their phone aside before flashing Ezra a small smile. 

"Good, now cuddle time?" Ezra suggested softly, and AJ laughed softly, sitting up and running their hand through his hair. 

"I really, really need a shower, do you mind if I do that first?" 

Ezra blinked in surprise, then smiled and reached out, stroking his hand over their arm lightly. "Of course, sweetheart. Do you mind if I take my jeans off? I could really do with taking my prosthesis off, but I didn't think to bring my shorts." 

AJ smiled and leaned down, pulling him into a soft kiss. "Sure, whatever makes you comfortable," they murmured, then carefully moved around him, standing up and grabbing their towel. "I'll be like half an hour, okay?" 

"Half an hour?" Ezra teased, pretending to be shocked, and AJ rolled their eyes, flipping their hair back behind their shoulder. 

"Do you think it takes a normal human amount of time to wash this much hair?" 

"Point taken," Ezra chuckled, gently grabbing at their leg and pulling them closer to the bed. "One more kiss?" 

AJ rolled their eyes theatrically, but accepted the offer eagerly, leaning down to kiss him one last time before slipping out of the room and heading down the hall. 

As soon as AJ stepped in under the hot spray a few minutes later, they began to feel much better. They hadn't had the energy to shower since they'd gotten back from the hospital, but they wanted to be clean and smell nice for Ezra. Plus it was just nice to feel human again. 

The steam did make AJ feel a bit dizzy to start with, though, so they sat down on the shower floor for a bit, letting the water stream through their hair and run down their cheeks as they stared at the tiles. 

The thought popped up again, the realisation revisited - they were in love for the first time in their life. 

Sure, there had been crushes and dates and puppyish, teenage infatuation, but never true, deep, blissful  _ love.  _ They hadn't really had time for it until now, and they certainly hadn't known how much they'd needed it. 

It felt amazing, to know that they were capable of loving another person. Especially after so many people had told them that their sexuality and gender meant that they would forever be a freak, incapable of 'real' love, abhorred by society and used as a toy behind closed doors. 

But they knew, they knew deep, deep down in their soul that they were in love with Ezra. It couldn't be anything else - the way their whole world lit up when he walked into the room; the fact that he was the first person they thought of whenever they needed comfort; that being close to him made them feel as if they were able to do anything, including the incredible feat that was making it through another day of their life. 

And the best part was that it wasn't one-sided, Ezra felt all the same things for them. He was always there, someone to draw comfort from and to comfort, someone to lean on, a spectator that was always ready to cheer them on. He'd held their hand in the hospital and helped them drink when the last thing they wanted was to ingest anything, he'd helped them send the text. He'd even stepped in between a rude client and them, protecting them. 

AJ sighed to themself and closed their eyes, just enjoying the moment, the sensation that everything was right and balanced and perfect. They knew it probably wouldn't last long, and they were determined to hang on to it for as much time as they possibly could. 

After a few minutes of just soaking it all up, AJ got up carefully and began to wash, humming to themself happily as they cleaned off. They did their hair first, washing it with shampoo before combing conditioner through every inch and letting it sit while they scrubbed their face and shoulders. Then they picked up their favourite fancy soap and got to work, cleaning every little patch of skin they could reach, covering themself in the spicy scent of patchouli and citrus. Once that was done, they rinsed their hair, washed their face, and shut the water off at last. 

After that, it didn't take AJ long to dry themself off, wrapping their body in their big towel and winding their hair up in a smaller one. Then they finally hurried down the hall back to their room, finding Ezra lying in the bed, facing the door, and fast asleep. 

AJ chuckled to themself softly, walking over to their dresser and pulling out a pair of underwear. They slipped them on under their towel and then hung it up to dry and quickly found some fresh pajamas - a t-shirt and long trousers with a little pattern of apples and pears on them. The small towel was hung up last, and AJ shook their hair out, brushing it carefully with a hydrating oil before plaiting it back out of the way and, at long last, crawling back into bed beside Ezra. 

He stirred, but didn't wake, so AJ settled for spooning him, their arm sliding around his waist, their knees tucking up behind his. They would have much preferred being the little spoon, but they didn't want to disturb Ezra's sleep, so they just focused on the fact that they were getting to cuddle him at all and smiled to themself. 

AJ dozed for a bit, drifting in and out, but never really falling asleep, simply relaxing and enjoying Ezra's comforting warmth. It felt so, so good to lay with him, to know that when he woke up, he would roll over and kiss them and tell them how beautiful they were instead of yanking them over to 'get his money's worth' with another round before leaving them alone and cold in yet another hotel room - although, in fairness, they'd never had the desire to lay like this with any of their clients. Even so, the intimate, innocent contact was almost euphoric, especially after they'd been so afraid Ezra wouldn't want to be with them anymore. 

AJ took a deep, happy breath, and nuzzled the back of Ezra's neck sleepily, their shin brushing up against his residual limb under the blankets. He stirred again, letting out a huffed breath before going still once more, just as AJ's phone buzzed on the bed behind them. Ezra grunted and shifted this time, and AJ winced, snatching their phone up, but it was too late. 

"Sweetheart?" Ezra mumbled, his voice hoarse from sleep and unbearably adorable. AJ smiled to themself and squeezed his waist lightly. 

"Right here, angel," they answered softly, and Ezra rolled over, smiling at them with his eyes half-lidded, still pale from his nap.

"Hey. You okay?" 

"Mm, I just got out of the shower about fifteen minutes ago," AJ hummed, leaning in and kissing Ezra lightly, their lips barely brushing his before they pulled away. Ezra grunted in dissatisfaction and tried to chase it, but AJ just giggled and shook their head slightly. 

"Let me read this text. It woke you up, so it'd better be good." 

Ezra snorted and scooted closer to them, nuzzling their jaw and kissing their cheek as they unlocked their phone and opened the text. 

_ Michael, 14:28 _

_ Okay, whatever you need, AJ. How about the Tuesday after next? That'll give you over a fortnight to recover and it'll be a nice slow night to come back to?  _

Ezra nodded, rubbing their side lightly through their t-shirt. "I don't often work Tuesdays, so I probably won't be there, but as long as that sounds good to you, it seems like a good option," he murmured, and AJ smiled slightly, giving a small shrug. 

"It'll be fine. I have my panic app now anyway, right?" They pointed out, writing a quick reply and then putting their phone on silent. "Proper cuddle time," they grinned, but Ezra took a deep breath, reaching out to stroke his knuckles down their cheek. 

"I don't want to overwhelm you, sweetheart, but do you think now would be an okay time to talk about your um...HIV?" 

AJ's heart sank, but they knew that if they said no, they'd just be worrying about it until they actually had the conversation, so there was no point in dragging it out. "Sure," they said softly, swallowing hard, their cheeks already burning as Ezra shifted position to get a bit more comfortable. 

"Okay. Um...first off, it doesn't change my feelings about you at all, okay?" He said firmly, and AJ looked away, wishing they could believe him, wishing they could truly think that someone wouldn't be disgusted by their condition. "I promise," Ezra went on, his fingers wrapping around their chin, gently tilting their head so they had to look at him. "I love you very much, and I'm sure you've had people be really awful to you about it, but I love you no matter what, okay? You're my little bird, and the only reason I'm asking about it at all is because I want to know how it affects you, that's all." 

AJ sighed and curled their fingers around his wrist, pressing against his pulse point lightly, feeling his heartbeat. "I was diagnosed when I was eighteen," they murmured, and saw the brief look of surprise on his face before he got his expression back under control. "I um...I started sex work when I was sixteen," they admitted quietly, knowing their cheeks were bright red now, not daring to look at Ezra's face as shame burned through them. "I don't want to talk about why, I...I can't, I'm sorry, I-" 

"Shhh, beautiful," Ezra interrupted gently, slowly pulling them into a hug as they tried to ignore the tears stinging their eyes. Relieved, AJ pressed into him, closing their eyes and causing the tears to spill over their cheeks. "You don't have to tell me anything you don't feel comfortable with, alright? I promise. And you don't owe me any explanation as to why it's too uncomfortable, either. I'm trying to figure out how I can help you cope, and how this will affect our relationship, not trying to interrogate you about your past." 

AJ nodded, sliding their fingers up into his hair and curling tightly, holding for a moment before letting go. Ezra let out a soft sigh and moved away from them again, just enough to see their face. 

"I'm sorry for being emotional," AJ mumbled awkwardly, and Ezra just reached out, brushing the tears off their cheeks carefully. 

"Don't apologise, sweetheart. I'm glad you feel comfortable showing emotion around me," he smiled, although his eyes were still sad and worried. "We can have this conversation when you're feeling better, if you want." 

"I'd rather get it done now," AJ sighed, and Ezra nodded, rubbing their side again slowly. "I um...obviously, I've had it since I was about eighteen. Well, um, probably longer...but I only got...it only got found out when I was eighteen. Um...I'm okay, it doesn't really affect me so much. I take my meds every day, and I've managed to keep my viral count fairly low apart from this spike I've had thanks to needing new meds," they explained quietly, doing their best to keep their emotions in check, swallowing them, biting them back, and not looking at Ezra, not yet. "I have to use condoms for everything, and I have to be careful if I'm openly bleeding, but other than that, I'm okay," they shrugged, not quite meeting Ezra's gaze. "It's just...hard sometimes," AJ added softly, after a moment or two of silence that they suddenly, urgently felt they needed to fill. "I've had a lot of healthcare workers be kind of nasty to me about it. I've been called all kinds of things like dirty, disgusting, people love to get the f-slur out for people who look like me and are HIV positive. Slut, whore, trap, all that usual good stuff," they mumbled sarcastically, and, to their surprise, Ezra gently tugged them into a tight embrace, wrapping his arms around them and squeezing. 

"None of that is true, okay? There's nothing wrong with you," Ezra said softly, but firmly, his heartbeat loud as AJ rested their head against his chest. They closed their eyes against the heady, intoxicating rush of joy at the knowledge of Ezra's unwavering acceptance, and slipped their arms around him loosely. “Can I ask you something, sweetheart? You can say no.”    
AJ swallowed and pressed closer to him, giving a tiny little nod before clearing their throat. “Yeah, it’s fine,” they mumbled, their voice slightly hoarse as they squeezed him gently. 

Ezra shifted, then took a deep breath, which he let out in a slow sigh. “Does that client...Gabriel know? He...he used to...to make you bleed.”    
Frozen for a moment, AJ clenched their jaw, then allowed themself to relax, reminding themself that they were safe with Ezra. “Yeah, he um...I think he’s probably the one who gave it to me, to be honest,” they muttered, closing their eyes and focusing on the warmth of Ezra’s chest against their cheek. “He has this weird conviction that his faith in God keeps him from getting worse, and since I'm just a...a dumb whore to him, it was my own fault for getting sick,” they sighed, and Ezra clutched them tighter, his hand finding the back of their head and cradling it protectively. 

“He’s a fucking awful person, you’re...it’s not your fault,” he sighed, clearly struggling to keep the rage out of his voice as he rocked AJ ever so slightly. “And I promise you, I  _ swear  _ this doesn’t make a difference to me, okay?” 

"I know, I just...I feel so worthless when I have to talk about it," AJ breathed, trying to banish the thoughts of Gabriel and just think about Ezra and his gentle, strong grip on them. 

"You're not, sweetheart, I promise," he soothed, his voice thick and a little shaky, the suppressed anger replaced with swallowed tears. "I felt the same when I lost my leg, but I'm not worthless, and neither are you. I love you, so very,  _ very  _ much."

AJ buried their face in him all over again, fingers gently digging into his back as they clung to him. It was hard to hear, in a way. It was hard to change the patterns of thinking that had been hammered into them over six long years, even though it was for the better. Ezra was helping them be kinder to themself, but it was natural for their mind to push back against being bent in a direction it wasn't used to. They just had to breathe through it and remember what he'd said the next time their negative self-evaluations popped up again. 

"Is there anything I can ever do to help?" Ezra asked after a short silence, sounding a bit calmer as he stroked up and down AJ's back slowly. 

"I don't think so," AJ mumbled, suddenly feeling very tired as they let their eyes slip closed. "Except reminding me I'm not...all those bad things," they added quietly, and Ezra squeezed them gently. 

"Of course, my little bird," he murmured, loosening his grip as they started to shift, getting a bit more comfortable with their legs tangled with his, their head tucked just under Ezra's chin. 

"M'sleepy," AJ sighed heavily, and Ezra gave a slightly strained little chuckle. 

"Then sleep. I'll be right here when you wake up, okay?" 

They grunted softly and Ezra hummed a low note for a second or two, the vibrations resonating through his chest against AJ's skin. They smiled to themself and nuzzled impossibly closer, their body beginning to relax entirely, their consciousness slipping away. Exhausted both physically and mentally from their illness and from so many emotional conversations in one go, AJ fell asleep. 

AJ felt warm. Very, very warm. They could smell familiar cologne, overlaid with old books and the lavender essential oil that Ezra sometimes used to ease his anxiety. A rush of happy warmth heated AJ from the inside out, and they became aware of fabric against their cheek, the surface they were leaning their head on rising and falling in a slow, even rhythm that it took their sleepy, tired mind far too long to realise was Ezra's breathing. 

They took a deep breath in and slowly untangled their legs from Ezra's to stretch out, stifling a yawn as he squeezed them gently. 

"Feeling better?" He murmured softly, and AJ nodded, carefully beginning to pull away. 

"Mm, yeah," they mumbled, sitting up and rubbing their eyes before sighing quietly. "M'thirsty, though." 

"How about we get you something to eat, too?" Ezra suggested gently, sitting up beside them and rubbing their shoulder lightly. Feeling needy and still cloudy with sleep, AJ nodded, letting themself fall into Ezra's chest, closing their eyes as they found themself hugged into his padded warmth, his lips soft on their temple. 

"Come on," he chuckled, gently beginning to push them away again. "Get up," he murmured, and AJ stood up reluctantly, stretching while Ezra pulled his prosthesis back on. He got up a moment later, growling playfully as he lunged towards them, tickling their sides. AJ shrieked in surprise and giggled, trying to push him away and stumbling, ending up crashing into his chest. Laughing, Ezra caught them easily, pulling them into a breathless, happy kiss before gently letting go. AJ pushed at him in fake annoyance, pouting their bottom lip. 

"You're mean to me," they whined, and he rolled his eyes, giving the small of their back a light shove forwards. 

"Shush. We need to get you something to eat," he pointed out softly, and AJ sighed, their smile melting away. Ezra opened the bedroom door and took their hand, pulling them through, guiding them into the kitchen. He didn't seem to mind that he was still in his boxers, so AJ didn't say anything, leaning back against the counter and folding their arms over their chest as he opened the fridge. 

"You need to go shopping," he announced, and AJ nodded slightly, looking down at the floor. Watching him rummage around in their fridge felt almost like being naked. They felt judged and vulnerable, but when he turned around again, holding a block of cheese and a packet of ham, he was smiling. 

"Here we go, I'm good at toasties," he grinned, and AJ managed a tiny smile. 

"There's bread in that cupboard. And um.." they opened a drawer and pulled out a cheese grater, handing it to Ezra. He thanked them softly and they got two plates from another cupboard, setting them out carefully. 

"Do you have any spices?" Ezra asked as he started to grate the cheese, and AJ shrugged. 

"Probably. Which one do you want?" 

"Paprika," he smiled, glancing up at them. "It's lovely with cheese." 

"I think Bea might have some," AJ mumbled, opening her cupboard and picking up a small bottle of something red. "Uhh, is smoked okay?" 

"That's the best kind," Ezra answered, and AJ handed it over, then went back to leaning against the counter moodily. It wasn't that they weren't grateful, it was just...difficult. They had a feeling that Ezra would understand, anyway, so they just watched him work, trying not to think about the fact that they'd actually have to eat what he made. 

After Ezra put the tray in the oven, he walked over to AJ confidently, standing in front of them and then moving forward until they were very gently pinned back against the counter. His hand opened on their cheek, his thumb stroking their cheekbone, his soft blue eyes fixed on theirs. 

"You are so, so beautiful," he murmured, and AJ felt the blush creeping up already, a small smile playing at their lips as they stroked Ezra's hair slowly, watching his beautiful curls bounce back. 

"So are you," they answered simply, and leaned down, hesitating, their lips so close, Ezra's hand warm on their cheek. They could feel his breath, they could almost taste his lips, and they remembered all those times they'd almost kissed him, all those times they'd been too afraid, all those times they'd thought he couldn't possibly want such a disgusting slut like them. They felt almost like a different person now, already having come so far, Ezra's love and their love for him changing them, helping them grow and learn and become something new and better. And so, for that old AJ, they kissed him, and kissed him, and went on kissing those soft, perfect, beautiful lips. Ezra's hand slid into their hair, pulling them deeper, his hips pressed to theirs, his body heavy against theirs. 

And then they heard footsteps and broke away hurriedly, panting softly, not even having time to push Ezra away before Bea appeared, her eyes widening. She glanced between Ezra and AJ, both of whom were now blushing furiously, then sighed and just walked to the fridge. Frozen, AJ watched her, dread hanging heavy in their stomach, worry gnawing at them. They knew that if Bea said anything to them or even gave them a particular kind of look, they would melt with embarrassment, and so they focused on the floor and thought about Ezra's weight against them, about what it was making them feel. It was definitely making them feel something that they hadn't in quite some time, and although it made them nervous, it was...oddly nice to remember they could feel that way. That wanting more wasn't something that just happened to other people. 

Bea finally found what she was looking for and left, causing AJ to relax all at once and bury their face in Ezra's neck. Ezra let out a soft sigh and hugged them tightly, his hand stroking over their hair, giving their plait a very light little tug. 

"You okay?" He asked quietly, and they nodded slightly, letting go of him reluctantly as he pulled away to check the oven. 

"Just embarrassed," AJ mumbled, and Ezra let out a soft sigh, pulling the tray out of the oven and setting it on the stove. "Not of you," they added quickly, the thought occurring to them that their previous statement was a bit too easy to misconstrue. "Just.." they moved closer to him, lowering their voice as they leaned into him slightly. "I don't really like her all that much anymore. I think she tells Michael a lot of things." 

Ezra nodded slightly, glancing behind him to make sure the coast was clear before smiling at AJ, his fingers curling around their chin as he guided them into a soft, brief kiss. "Fuck her," he murmured, and they laughed softly, then looked down at the tray. It actually looked and smelled delicious, and they watched as Ezra dished up the sandwiches, putting the pieces of bread back together and then cutting them into triangles. Then he handed a plate to AJ and began to walk back to their bedroom. 

Once they were sitting down on the edge of the bed with the door shut, AJ grabbed their laptop and opened Netflix. 

"I was watching Brooklyn 99, do you want to watch some of it with me?" They asked softly, and Ezra nodded, leaning over to kiss their cheek briefly. 

"Of course, I love that show," he grinned, and AJ set it running, placing the laptop where they could both see it. Ezra began to eat almost absentmindedly and AJ watched him for a moment, wishing they could eat so easily. They didn't want to get fat, but at the same time, their eating had gotten worse and worse to the point where they were dizzy all the time, and they were tired of feeling so run down. 

They picked up one half of their sandwich and looked at it for a moment, taking deep, slow breaths. Then they took a bite, shuddering slightly as they chewed. It tasted just as good as it smelled - absolutely delicious - but AJ still struggled to swallow, nearly gagging as it went down. Ezra squeezed their shoulder lightly, his lips pressed against their temple briefly. "Well done," he murmured simply, and AJ managed a small smile, taking another bite with much more enthusiasm.

Eventually, although they had to take a lot of breaks, AJ managed to eat about two thirds of the sandwich before they started feeling too full to continue. Ezra finished it off for them and put the plates on their dresser, then went back to the bed, smiling at them. 

"More cuddles?" He suggested, and AJ grinned, quickly crawling into the bed, flopping down under the blanket near the wall, so Ezra had plenty of room. He chuckled and began to take off his prosthesis once more, glancing over his shoulder at AJ. "I'll take that as a yes, hmm? I have to go home in about an hour to get some work done, but I can definitely cuddle until then." 

AJ nodded, watching happily as he crawled into bed with them, laying on his side in front of them. Smiling to themself, AJ gently pushed him onto his back, then flopped on top of him, stomach to stomach, their head resting on his chest. Ezra chuckled softly, then reached down and began to undo their plait, combing their hair out with his fingers and humming appreciatively. 

"So beautiful," he murmured, and AJ nuzzled at his chest happily, their hands stroking over his soft belly, admiring his roundness. It was one of things they loved about him; how confident he was to be a little - well, maybe a lot - on the chubby side made them feel safe in their own body. It was easier not to judge themself when they were with him, partially because they knew he loved them, and partially because they knew he loved himself. It also made him so much more approachable, as he looked very soft and sweet. AJ knew now that he was more than capable of winning a fight, but back when they'd first met, they'd found his extra weight made him seem less threatening, and it had been part of what had drawn them to him. 

"You're so cute," Ezra said happily, and AJ smiled to themself sleepily, wrapping their arms around him as far as they could and squeezing. Ezra laughed and gently took one of their hands, lacing their fingers together and resting their joined hands on his chest, close to their head. 

"Mm, soft," AJ murmured, and Ezra hummed, running his fingers through their hair. 

"You like it?" 

"I love it. My soft angel," AJ answered simply, kissing his chest for emphasis and laying their head back down comfortably. Ezra just sighed quietly, contentedly, and relaxed as AJ trailed their fingertips up and down the side of his stomach lazily. 

They stayed like that for the full hour; comfortable and happy, easily content in one another's company. AJ dozed for a lot of the time, but stirred occasionally to shift position slightly. Ezra didn't seem to mind at all, although he didn't speak very much. 

After their time was up, though, he gently dislodged AJ, pulling them into a soft kiss as he guided them back down to the bed. AJ sighed and scrambled up as he scooted to the edge of the bed, hugging him while he tried to put his prosthesis back on. 

"No, you can't leave," AJ giggled sleepily, and Ezra chuckled, gently shaking them off. 

"I have to, sweetheart."

"But I don't want you to," they whined, watching as he pulled his sleeves on before guiding his residual limb into the socket. 

"I know, and I don't want to either," Ezra mumbled, reaching for his jeans. "But I can see you the day after tomorrow, we could have a proper date?" He suggested softly, turning at last to pull AJ into a brief kiss. 

"That sounds great," AJ admitted quietly, and Ezra nodded, pulling his jeans on carefully. Then he turned and opened his arms for one last hug, which AJ accepted eagerly, nuzzling at his neck lightly. He chuckled and just squeezed them tighter, then gently pushed them away. 

"Stay in bed and rest. And don't forget to eat, okay?" He said firmly, and AJ nodded, smiling up at him, drinking him in so they could remember this moment for all of tomorrow. 

"Thank you for coming, angel," they murmured, and he smiled brightly. 

"Anytime, my magpie." 

And then he kissed them one last time and was gone, slipping out of their bedroom door. AJ sighed and fell back onto the bed, closing their eyes. They suddenly felt very alone, but they did their best to ignore it, crawling back into bed and curling up to watch even more TV. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! I hope you liked this one!   
> I really like it because I like seeing them make up and cuddle lol but I'd love to hear what you guys think, as always! I hope you're all well! 
> 
> I do have some important info about this story and what's coming up, so even though this is a lot to read, please do look at it!   
> Chapters 36-46 are largely a lot to deal with. There's happy stuff sprinkled in, but I want to give you all fair warning that no chapter is all cute fluffy stuff. I will be doing two more batch updates (36-38 and 39-41) in which I'll post a chapter a day over a weekend, just so you're aware. However, if you do want to tap out and wait for fluffier stuff before you read more angst, I would advise you wait until I post the sequel, which (hopefully) I will be posting the first chapter of very soon after I post the last one of these.   
> If you choose not to skip to the sequel when it comes out, please pay close attention to the tags from 36-46, and of course my inbox is always open for any questions or concerns! You can find several methods of contacting me in my profile. <3<3<3  
> Oh, and just a fun little teaser fact for you guys: the sequel's title is Aderyn :)


	30. Chapter Thirty

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter includes: disordered eating behaviour, mentions of transphobic family.

The next day, Ezra got home from his internship and immediately dialed AJ, humming to himself as he pressed the speaker button and set his phone on the desk. It rang three times before they picked up, the line clicking quietly. 

"Hey, angel," AJ mumbled, sounding sleepy and tired. "Sorry, I was asleep." 

"Oh, do you want me to call back later, sweetheart?" Ezra asked quickly, frowning as he started to unbutton his shirt. 

"No, angel, of course not," AJ murmured with a smile in their voice. "I was just napping, I had one of those shakes and it made me kind of tired." 

"Oh, you did? Good job, sweetheart," Ezra smiled, slipping his shirt off his shoulders and picking his phone up as he walked over to his wardrobe. "How are you feeling in general today? You sound a bit better," he added as he opened the doors and began rummaging through for a nicer shirt that wasn't one of his work shirts. 

"Yeah, my throat is a lot better," AJ hummed, the bed creaking in the background as they shifted. "I'm nowhere near as dizzy and my cough is going away. I went for a walk at lunchtime and that made me cough a bit, but I'm fine when I don't move too much." 

"That's progress," Ezra said brightly, taking a blue plaid shirt off the rail and inspecting it. 

"Yeah, it is," AJ answered happily. "What are you up to, anyway?" 

"I just got home from work, and I'm getting changed to go out. I'm meeting Anathema's new partner for the first time, I think she's a bit nervous. She's a trans woman, and she's just started coming out to people, so it's a bit nerve-wracking for her," he mumbled, pulling a face and putting the shirt back. "And I'm overthinking my outfit." 

AJ laughed softly and gave a quiet little hum. "You'll look perfect whatever you choose, my angel. But I do like that blue one you wear sometimes. The plaid." 

Ezra pulled it back out and looked at it, smiling to himself. "You do? I was worried it might be too casual." 

"It's not exactly a dressed-up occasion," they pointed out with a chuckle. "I just like blue on you, anyway. It suits you. Do you know much more about this partner?" 

"Not really, I know her name is Newt, and I know her and Anathema have been talking and sort of dating for a while. When she came out, Anathema asked her out properly. Newt was too scared of getting attached and then coming out I think. But they seem to get on really well from what I've heard," he smiled, putting the plaid shirt back in favour of a plain light blue one. 

"She sounds nice," AJ murmured, and Ezra could hear them moving around again. "I don't think I have enough trans friends. Well, I don't really have any friends," they added quietly. "Other than...David, I guess. And you, obviously." 

"You work very hard and unsociable hours," Ezra pointed out gently, setting his phone down on the bed so he could pull the shirt on. "I only really have Anathema. It's not your fault." 

"I know," AJ mumbled, and Ezra gave a soft sigh, starting on the buttons. 

"I really wish I could give you a kiss right now." 

"Come over, then," AJ giggled, their voice still laden with that sleepy fuzziness that Ezra absolutely adored. "Kiss me." 

"I can't, I'd be late," Ezra groaned, finishing the buttons and tucking the shirt in quickly. "Should I be tucking my shirt in?" He added, on second thought. 

"No! It isn't a job interview!" AJ laughed, and Ezra rolled his eyes, untucking it quickly. 

"However did I manage without you?" 

"By dressing badly," AJ teased, and Ezra heaved a theatrical sigh. 

"Never date someone who spends their time either in stage costume or in fancy pajamas," he groaned jokingly, and AJ gasped in pretend shock. 

"How  _ dare _ you!" They exclaimed, ruining the effect by laughing at the end. "Now I really want to kiss you," they grumbled, although Ezra could tell from their voice that they were still smiling despite themself. 

"Well, you'll have to wait until tomorrow. But then you can kiss me as much as you like." 

"Good," AJ hummed, adding just a touch of seductive purr to their voice. "I wanna touch you as well." 

Ezra nearly choked, eyes widening at the sound of AJ's skilled tones. "Yeah?" He asked in a slightly raspy voice, and AJ sighed softly. 

"Mhm. I wanna grab you and hold you and kiss you," they murmured, and Ezra bit the inside of his cheek hard.

"Sweetheart, I'm loving this new confidence, but I really, really need to get going, and this is um...wow. It's going to make me want to stay home and then Anathema will kill me." 

AJ chuckled softly and then sighed again, sounding disappointed this time. "Alright, angel. I just miss you. Especially after that break, it was hard for me." 

"Me too," Ezra murmured, sitting down on the edge of the bed and glancing at his watch. "I love you." 

"I know," AJ said very softly, their voice full of gentle, yet strong affection. "I'm excited to see you tomorrow, angel." 

"Me too. I really have to go, my love, but I'll message you when I get home, alright?" 

"Please. Talk to you then," AJ hummed before hanging up, and Ezra sighed to himself, getting up slowly. He grabbed his wallet off his desk, fixed his messy hair in the mirror, and headed out. 

Ezra still managed to get to the restaurant late, thanks to delayed buses, but as soon as he pushed open the doors, he spotted Anathema sitting alone. She smiled at him and waved, so he hurried over, frowning slightly. 

"She's just in the toilet," Anathema explained before he could ask, then smiled brighter. "You look nice. How was yesterday? You got home too late for me to talk to you about it, and I've been dying to know." 

Ezra blushed and looked up just as someone walked over to the table, smiling at him shyly as she sat down. 

"Oh, Ezra, this is Newt. Newt, this is Ezra, he's my best friend and flatmate," Anathema announced. Ezra smiled his friendliest smile and took a moment to study the person sitting across from him. She was tall, and quite slim, with thick glasses pushed up high on her nose, almost disguising her bright blue eyes. A few subtle touches of mascara and eyeliner could be seen around her eyes, and her nails were quite long and painted a lovely burgundy colour, but the rest of her outfit was fairly plain - at least by the standards of someone used to seeing AJ every day. She was just wearing a t-shirt in a lavender colour with a more feminine cut over the top of some fitted jeans, but she looked sweet and pretty. Her hair was at that awkward stage of growing out where it brushed her jaw and was impossible to style, so she'd simply tucked it behind her ears and left it. 

"You look lovely," Ezra announced sincerely, flashing her a reassuring smile and leaning his arms on the table. "It's really nice to meet you at last, Anathema's been talking about you so much." 

Newt blushed immediately and glanced at Anathema, then smiled. "It's good to meet you too," she said softly, her voice quiet and careful, clearly pitched a little bit higher than she was normally comfortable speaking. 

Anathema took her hand gently, their fingers tangling together, and Ezra felt a rush of warmth in his chest. He loved seeing his friend so happy, her gaze soft and loving as she glanced at Newt, a contented, relaxed smile on her lips. 

"Tell me about yesterday," Anathema prompted Ezra, gently trying to steer the conversation so Newt didn't have to talk too much to start with. Ezra noticed the tactic and obliged immediately, smiling to himself.

"I went over there to check on them, Bea let me in so I went and knocked on their door until they answered. We both apologised to each other and I told them a bit about my ex. Not details, just...the general gist, y'know?" He said happily, loving the chance to talk about AJ and how well it had all gone. "We had some kisses and cuddles and talked about their status, and then they took a nap and I made them a sandwich when they woke up. It was just really nice and calm, y'know? They cried quite a bit, said they missed me a lot, and it was just...I feel so much better now," he grinned, and Anathema chuckled, her smile a little teasing, but genuinely happy for him. 

"I'm so glad, you were moping so much it was getting annoying," she laughed, and Newt smiled shyly, looking a bit confused. 

"Oh, AJ is my partner," Ezra said quickly, flashing her a smile. "We'd had a fight, but they were in hospital over the weekend and we made up yesterday," he explained, and Newt nodded vaguely.

"They?" She asked softly, her voice still very careful. 

"Yeah, they're non binary," Ezra smiled, and Anathema cut in quietly. 

"They're absolutely stunning, and very shy. A bit like you," she murmured, and Newt blushed, biting her lip lightly as Anathema kissed her cheek softly, then winked at Ezra, who just smiled. 

"We should probably figure out what we want to order soon," he pointed out quietly, and Anathema nodded, handing a menu to Newt, who thanked her softly. 

Ezra scanned the menu himself, but he'd been to the restaurant chain a good few times now, and he knew what he liked. It didn't take him long to choose, and he went up to the counter to order, shifting from foot to foot slightly as he waited in line. He glanced around the busy restaurant, then checked his phone to see a text from AJ. 

_ Magpie, 19:34  _

_ I'm trying out some new makeup, wanna see? xx _

Ezra smiled to himself and typed a quick reply along the lines of 'of course,' then looked at the woman standing in front of him in line. She looked annoyed for some reason, half turned to the side and rolling her eyes at someone sitting at a table across the room, just as Ezra noticed the old woman trying to pay. She was having trouble with the card machine, insisting that she had enough money on her card, but it kept getting declined. Ezra contemplated stepping in to help, but Anathema was suddenly behind him, leaning against his back, her chin tucked over his shoulder. 

"Hey," she hummed, and Ezra sighed in relief as the woman finally managed to get her payment through. "What do you think of Newt?" 

"I've barely spoken to her," Ezra pointed out with a soft chuckle, moving up one place in line. Anathema moved with him, standing beside him. 

"I know, but...y'know," she mumbled, then flashed him a hopeful smile and he rolled his eyes fondly. 

"She seems lovely and I can tell you guys will get along really well," he nodded, just as his phone buzzed in his hand and he looked at it quickly. AJ had sent him an unbearably adorable photo of them with dramatic, beautiful gold sparkly winged eyeliner and smoky eyeshadow, winking at the camera and smiling happily. Ezra felt his heart quicken in his chest and Anathema peered over his shoulder, gasping softly. 

"Wow! I always forget how beautiful they are," she breathed, and Ezra smiled proudly, opening the photo so she could see it properly. 

"Oh, these um...bruises," she said suddenly, zooming in on their neck, where one of the faded strangulation marks was just visible. Ezra winced and nodded, saving the photo and adjusting the lighting so the bruises were harder to see. 

"Yeah, um...they had a bad client," he muttered, setting the photo as his home screen before sending a quick message to AJ. 

_ Ezra, 19:48 _

_ You look absolutely beautiful, sweetheart! Miss you xxx  _

Anathema sighed and rubbed his shoulder lightly, looking at him worriedly. "Are they okay? Are  _ you _ okay?" 

Ezra shrugged, taking a deep breath. "I trust them to take care of themself, for the most part. They're recovering really well at the moment, and they seem happy enough. I'm worried about them, and I'm going to be even more worried when they go back to work in a couple weeks, but...I'm just going to have to deal with it, y'know? They're a grown adult, after all." 

Anathema nodded, her smile sympathetic. "It sounds like you're doing all you can, and I'm sure you guys will figure things out." 

"I hope so," Ezra answered simply, then stepped up to the counter to order his food. Once he'd ordered and paid, he headed straight back to the table, sitting back down across from Newt. She slipped her phone away quickly and flashed him a nervous smile. 

"Hey." 

"Hey, you feeling okay?" Ezra asked gently, and she blushed, glancing towards the counter, where Anathema was still ordering. 

"Yeah, just...still nervous," Newt murmured, and Ezra nodded, doing his best comforting smile. 

"It's okay. I know how nerve wracking it can be being out in public to start with, and meeting new people as yourself. But you're going to get the hang of it, I promise. And I won't bite, I swear," he chuckled, and Newt smiled shyly, her blush darkening slightly. "How's things at university for you?" He asked quietly, just as Anathema hurried back over, setting down cutlery for the table and rubbing her hand over Newt's forearm. 

"You okay?" She hummed, and Newt nodded, then looked at Ezra. 

"Things are going really well at university, actually. People are really accepting, for the most part. I've officially changed my preferred name on the system and gotten a new student card, and all my teachers are really nice. Well, except one, but I never went to his classes anyway," Newt smiled, starting to relax a bit more now that she was properly involved in the conversation. 

"You go to the same university as me and Anathema, right? I haven't seen you around," Ezra commented, and Newt chuckled, her voice relaxing with her, deepening ever so slightly, but still keeping that soft-spoken, sweet tone. 

"All us computer science nerds get locked away in the basements," she joked, and Ezra saw the way Anathema grinned, clearly enjoying the fact that her girlfriend and her best friend were getting along. 

"My entire internship is being locked away in a basement fixing paper," Ezra laughed, leaning back in his chair slightly. "They must like locking us nerds away," he snorted, just as his phone began to buzz on the table. He turned it over and frowned, then picked it up. 

"I'll be right back," he mumbled, answering the call and pressing his phone to his ear as he hurried out of the restaurant. 

"Hello? AJ? Is everything okay?" 

"N-no," AJ mumbled, their voice sounding thick and raspy, as if they'd been crying. "I...I tried to eat a-and threw up." 

"Oh...oh, sweetheart," Ezra murmured, pressing his hand over his eyes. "It's okay. Do you feel okay other than that?" 

"Y-yeah, I'm just...upset," they sighed, and Ezra nodded slightly. 

"I understand, it must feel like a big step back," he sighed, wishing he could be there and rub their back and kiss it better. "Do you need me to come over?" 

"No, I'm...I'm okay," AJ said quietly, taking a few deep breaths. "I just needed to talk to you for a minute. To calm down.." 

"Of course, magpie. I'm here, okay? And you haven't done anything wrong or anything like that, alright? Your body is still sorting itself out, it's normal to have good and bad days. Be kind to yourself and your body, for me." 

AJ sniffled a bit, then sighed again. "I will. I just...I wish I could be normal, y'know? And I panicked so much, it...I don't like panicking over stupid things." 

"It's not stupid to panic," Ezra soothed patiently, glancing towards the restaurant as the doors swung open and a couple walked out, hand in hand. "And you are normal, sweetheart. As I said, everyone has good and bad days."

"Yeah," AJ mumbled, not sounding entirely convinced. "You'd better give me some proper cuddles tomorrow," they warned shakily, and Ezra gave a soft chuckle. 

"Of course. I'm looking forward to it, my little magpie. Maybe you could sleep over?" He suggested quietly, and there was only a brief little hesitation before AJ let out a slow breath. 

"I would love to." 

"Good, I can cuddle you all night," he purred, and AJ hummed in agreement. 

"I'd better let you get back to your dinner." 

"Yeah, I really should go," Ezra sighed, looking down at his feet. "I'll check in on you when I get home, alright?" 

"Okay. Miss you," AJ said in a gentle, tender tone. 

"Miss you too, my beautiful little bird," Ezra smiled, then hung up and took a deep breath, staring at his new home screen for a moment - studying those beautiful golden eyes. Then he turned and pushed the restaurant doors open, slipping back inside. 

When Ezra walked back to the table, the food had already been brought over, so he sat down, smiling awkwardly. "Sorry about that, AJ had a panic attack," he admitted quietly, and Newt blinked, looking worried. 

"What about? I get those a lot too, they're never fun," she asked, and Ezra shrugged with one shoulder. 

"They...well, they have an eating disorder, it's part of what put them in hospital. They haven't been properly diagnosed, but...I'm pretty much a hundred percent certain. Anyway, because they haven't been eating enough, when they ate today it made them sick, and they felt bad," he sighed, rubbing his eyes lightly. "They'll be okay," he went on quickly, dropping his hands back into his lap. "They're getting better." 

"That's awful, I'm glad they're getting better," Newt said quietly, and Ezra flashed her a small smile. 

"Thank you. I am too," he hummed, picking up his knife and fork. "So you're doing computer science? Do you enjoy it?" 

Newt followed his lead, picking up her own cutlery while Ezra took a bite of his food. "Yeah, I'm not very good at it, but I like it. I'm actually in the first year of my undergrad, I took a year out to work between my A-levels and uni, but um...I had a really bad time while I was doing my A-levels, and so my year out ended up a bit longer than I'd planned," she explained, and Anathema nudged her gently.

"Stop being hard on yourself, you're getting really good marks," she scolded, and Newt blushed, giving her a look that spoke of deep, profound affection. Ezra felt a warm stirring in his chest and smiled, loving that he got to see his best friend so happy and clearly in a good, caring relationship. 

The conversation continued to get easier as they chatted over the food, Ezra learning all about Newt's degree and her fairly large family, all of whom seemed rather eccentric. Once the food was finished, they got a round of tea and kept talking, the conversation turning a little more serious. 

"So you're out to the uni and Anathema.." Ezra said slowly, tilting his head slightly. "Anyone else yet?" 

"Not yet," Newt sighed, her cheeks flushing yet again. "Um...I'm planning on telling my family soon, but I don't think they're going to take it that well. I really want them to know me properly, but it's so hard, especially since I still live with them." 

Ezra nodded, leaning his cheek against his hand. "I get it. It's scary, but I believe in you. And I'm always here if you need to talk. I'm obviously not a trans woman, but I have had to go through the coming out process and everything, and I think it can be nice to talk to someone else who's been through it. If you need any help with anything, just ask." 

Newt smiled and nodded slightly, looking down at her mug. "Thanks. You've been really sweet, and you're definitely right. You're the um...first other out trans person I've met face to face, and it really does feel nice to talk to someone who can understand." 

"Good, I'm glad," Ezra answered sincerely, and Anathema smiled at him, her expression calm and content. 

When they eventually left the restaurant, Anathema announced that she was spending the night with Newt, and Ezra headed home on his own, messaging AJ while he was on the bus to check on them. They didn't reply by the time he got home, however, so he assumed they were asleep and began to get ready for an early night, soon curling up under the sheets and drifting off into a deep, dreamless sleep. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! I almost forgot to update today oops! But it's not past midnight yet so I've technically still updated on Monday :D   
> Anyway, I hope you guys enjoyed this insight into Newt! <3<3 Let me know what you thought of this chapter!


	31. Chapter Thirty One

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains: fears of being assaulted, disordered eating behaviour, sexual content, brief discussion of scars, panic due to sexual trauma.

AJ shook their hair out and glanced in the mirror, smiling to themself. They felt good, like they were getting their confidence back now that they felt healthier, no longer constantly dizzy and tired, and their outfit looked perfect. They'd slipped on a massively oversized sweater and cinched it at the waist over a pair of leggings and some denim shorts for a little extra modesty, then finished off the look with knee-high black boots. Not only did they feel attractive and cute, but they knew Ezra was going to love it as well. 

One last check in their bag to make sure they had their meds, and AJ was flying out of the apartment, clattering down the steps and starting the short walk to Ezra's building. They messaged him to let him know they were on their way and slipped their phone away, just as they noticed a tall man on the pavement in front of them, several metres away. Something about him made their heart sink, so they crossed the road as discreetly as they could, hugging themself loosely. It was getting towards evening, and the street was a little gloomy, which made AJ even more nervous as they started to walk a bit faster. They slipped their phone out of their pocket again and held it in their hand as they glanced behind them to see the man following them.

He had something in his hand, something that looked rather like a bottle of alcohol. AJ swallowed hard and contemplated activating their panic app, then spotted a gap in traffic and jogged across the road, trying not to seem as scared as they were, their arms crossed over their chest again. This time, the man didn't follow them, and they turned down Ezra's road shakily, hurrying up to his building and pressing the buzzer for his apartment urgently.

The door clicked immediately and AJ shouldered it open, still hugging themself as they jogged down the hall to his front door. Ezra opened it before they could even knock and smiled brightly. "Hey, sweetheart, you look-" he began, but cut himself off and went on more quietly. "Upset. What's wrong?" 

AJ sighed and looked down at the floor, shuffling their feet awkwardly. "There was a man who sort of...followed me while I was walking here," they murmured, and Ezra was already gently pulling them into a hug, his fingers curling against their back. 

"I'm sorry, sweetheart. If it happens again, you can call me and I'll stay on the phone with you, okay? But it's alright now, yeah? You're safe," he soothed, and AJ nuzzled against him, letting themself relax into him. They knew they could take care of themself, that they'd been followed enough times before to know where a man's weak spots were, but it felt nice to let someone else do the protecting for a while. They didn't need a knight in shining armour, but their own armour did get a bit heavy sometimes. It felt good to hand it over to Ezra every now and then. 

"Come on, sweetheart. Let's forget about him and go have a good time, okay?" He murmured, and AJ nodded, breathing much more calmly as they pulled away from his embrace. Ezra tugged them back easily, though, chuckling as he guided them into a soft kiss, his fingers sliding through their hair, his hand cradling the back of their head carefully. They smiled into it just before pulling away, laughing as Ezra gently pushed them back. 

"We're going straight back out!" He chuckled, and AJ groaned, sliding their bag off their shoulder. 

"Do I not get to leave this?" 

"Oh, sorry, yeah," Ezra smiled, taking it from them and depositing it on top of the shoe rack before taking AJ's hand and leading them out of his apartment. They wasted no time in lacing their fingers with Ezra's, squeezing his hand lightly as they followed him out of the building and onto the pavement. 

"Are you going to tell me where we're going?" AJ asked breathlessly, and Ezra slowed his pace, giving them time to breathe a little deeper.

"Nope," he hummed, his thumb stroking over theirs lightly. "You liked my surprise last time." 

"Yeah, but is every date you take me on going to be a surprise?" AJ asked, flashing him a teasing smile. Ezra huffed a breath and nodded slightly. 

"All the ones that I think you'll say no to, anyway," he said quietly, and AJ blinked. 

"The ones I'll say no to?" They echoed incredulously, and Ezra glanced at them. 

"Would you have said yes to mini golf if I asked?" He pointed out, and AJ thought about the red golf ball on their shelf. 

"Probably not," they admitted, squeezing his hand lightly and smiling to themself as he squeezed back a little harder, starting a brief battle that AJ won, thanks to their long nails. 

They kept walking in silence for a bit after that, until AJ started to feel slightly woozy, not enough to stumble or get properly dizzy, but enough to feel a bit odd. 

"Ezra, I don't...I don't feel good, I think I need to sit down," they mumbled, and Ezra let go of their hand to hug their waist instead, supporting them with one strong arm. 

"We're nearly at the bus stop, sweetheart. Just another block," he soothed, and AJ nodded, feeling a bit better with an end in sight. "I promise we won't be out for too long tonight," Ezra added, and AJ smiled slightly, leaning into his side, thankful for his steady bulk to prop themself up against. 

"I trust you," they mumbled, and Ezra squeezed their waist lightly, not saying anything. 

Luckily, when they reached the stop, there was still a free seat, and AJ sank into it gratefully, feeling Ezra's hand on their hair as they closed their heavy eyelids, taking deep, slow breaths. They felt his hand slide from their hair and move to their thigh, opening their eyes to see him crouching beside them, stroking up and down the top of their thigh soothingly. AJ smiled tiredly and took a slow breath, starting to feel better already with Ezra's hand on them, soothingly gentle. 

By the time the bus came, the woozy feeling had almost faded completely, so AJ got up and onto the bus, paying for their ticket and following Ezra towards the back of the bus. He let them take the window seat and sat down after them, between them and the rest of the bus, his hand finding theirs immediately. 

AJ smiled and leaned their head against his shoulder, eliciting a soft chuckle from him. 

"You always fall asleep on the bus," he teased in a low tone, and they nodded slightly, closing their eyes as the bus pulled away from the stop. 

"Are you okay?" Ezra asked gently, and AJ sighed quietly. 

"Mm, still feeling a bit...weird. But I'm okay," they answered, the rocking motion of the bus already making them feel sleepy as Ezra stroked his thumb back and forth over theirs. 

"What have you eaten today?" He murmured, and AJ stifled a yawn, shifting position to get more comfortable. 

"I had a shake for breakfast and some toast for lunch," they mumbled, and Ezra nodded, giving their hand a light squeeze. 

"Maybe we should find you something sugary to drink when we get there," he suggested quietly. "Get your blood sugar up a bit." 

AJ simply nodded in answer, pressing closer to him and letting themself relax, starting to give in to their sleepiness. Ezra didn't say anything, simply leaning his head against theirs and continuing to stroke their hand with his thumb. 

After about twenty minutes of drifting in and out of sleep, AJ was gently shaken awake, Ezra standing up as the bus came to a stop and guiding AJ in front of him. He put his hands on their waist, serving as a little extra support as they walked off the bus, thanking the driver on the way. As soon as they were both on the pavement, Ezra wrapped his arm around AJ, smiling as he kissed their temple. 

"Not far now, alright?" He murmured, and AJ nodded, covering their mouth as they yawned. 

"I feel a lot better for sitting down for a while," they replied softly, and he squeezed their waist lightly, leading them through the small crowd around the bus stop.

"Good. I suppose the nap probably helped as well," he teased, and AJ snorted, leaning into him slightly as they walked. It just felt so nice to have his warmth there to press against, they couldn't help themself. Ezra didn't seem to mind, though, just walking on silently, his grip on their waist tightening slightly when they walked past a group of men all chatting loudly. One of them whistled, but AJ just ignored it, although they could tell it annoyed Ezra. He let out a huffed, shortened breath, but didn't say anything, his irritation fading into a smile before AJ could ask him about it. 

"Down here," he murmured, gently steering them down a side alley that led to a large covered market area. It was bustling with people and stalls, the spaces between them all hung with beautiful paper lanterns, music playing quietly in the corner, from a busker with a violin.

AJ's eyes widened and they glanced at Ezra, at his triumphant smile. "It's beautiful," they breathed, and he nodded, pressing a quick kiss to their cheek. 

"It's a night market, it happens once a month," he explained softly, letting go of their waist to hold their hand instead. "I'd heard about it before, but I've never been. I was thinking we could have a look around and get some nice produce to cook at home," he added, sounding a little nervous. AJ turned immediately, pulling him into a quick kiss, wanting to display just how much they liked the idea. 

"I'd love that," they breathed as they broke away, and Ezra grinned, squeezing their hand. 

"Come on, then," he murmured, and AJ followed him forward, still gazing around in wonder at the beautiful lanterns. The atmosphere was lovely, and AJ couldn't help but think how romantic it was, Ezra's beautiful face lit up with the soft red light, his eyes sparkling. He looked ridiculously kissable, and the quiet music certainly wasn't helping. 

But AJ resisted the temptation to just grab him there and then, and instead began to look around, excited by the sheer variety of things being sold. They couldn't help themself, pulling Ezra to stall after stall, looking at beautiful leather-bound journals, handmade jewelry, incense, and even soap. 

Ezra ended up buying a bar of the soap, which he put into his backpack, then took AJ's hand again and smiled at them happily. 

"Where next?" 

"There's candles over there," AJ announced excitedly, and Ezra nodded, squeezing their hand. 

"Lead the way, sweetheart," he murmured, and followed them through the small crowd to yet another stall. He chatted with the vendor for a bit while AJ looked at the candles, smelling each one and showing their favourites to Ezra. 

"Which one do you like best?" He smiled, and AJ frowned, setting the candle they'd been holding down quickly. 

"No, I'm not answering that, you're going to-" 

"I'm going to get you one, yes," Ezra interrupted calmly. "So you'd better tell me otherwise I might get the wrong one." 

"But-" AJ tried, and Ezra turned to them, brushing their hair back behind their shoulders, his blue eyes soft and serious. 

"I had to drive you to hospital this week, just let me pamper you a bit, okay?" He insisted gently, his hand resting on their cheek for a moment, his thumb over the corner of their lips. AJ sighed, then glanced at the table and gave in. 

"I like the sandalwood one," they murmured, and Ezra smiled, kissing their cheek before paying for the candle and slipping it into his bag. He took AJ's hand and led them away from the table and down the row a little further, his thumb stroking back and forth over their skin. 

"I like getting you little things, okay?" He said quietly, and AJ gave a soft sigh, doing their best to push away the guilt. "It makes me happy to see you happy. I'm not trying to buy you or anything like that, and I don't expect you to pay me back. I just like pampering my beautiful partner," he went on firmly, and AJ nodded, taking a deep breath to collect their thoughts as they walked. 

"I know. I think I just need to get used to it. It makes me feel guilty when I don't pay you back, but if you really don't mind, then I guess I just need to change my thinking," they replied, and Ezra nodded, squeezing their hand. 

"I really don't mind, I promise. This is going to sound horribly cheesy, but you pay me back by smiling and enjoying the things I get you. That's all I want, okay?" 

AJ smiled, feeling their throat close up a bit with rising emotion, and covering it by wrinkling their nose jokingly. "That was really fucking cheesy," they teased, and Ezra laughed, but they could tell by the look on his face that he knew they were grateful. 

Eventually, the more trinket-y part of the market blended into food stalls, and Ezra gently pulled AJ to the side, out of the main flow of people. 

"Okay, so, I was thinking you just pick some stuff that looks nice to you and then we'll make something, does that sound good? The produce here is supposed to be excellent," he smiled, and AJ nodded, trying to ignore the stirring of nerves in their stomach. They had absolutely no clue why they were nervous, so they just followed Ezra back into the crowd and over to one of the bigger stalls. 

Although AJ did feel a bit overwhelmed, they managed to select some delicious-looking apples and some nice pears, hugging Ezra's arm the whole time to ground themself. Ezra didn't seem to mind at all, flashing them soft smiles and encouraging them every time they chose something. 

The next stall was mostly vegetables, and Ezra chose some broccoli, while AJ found some corn that looked especially good, along with some bell peppers. Ezra kissed their cheek as the vendor bagged up the items for them, and AJ blushed, realising that, for once, they were actually enjoying shopping for food. 

Once they'd gotten the produce, Ezra picked up some salmon fillets from the fish stall and smiled at AJ. "You want some hot chocolate?" He asked, gesturing to a little stall right at the end of the market. AJ smiled to themself and nodded, following Ezra over and standing in line with him. A sudden gust of wind made them shiver, so they turned to bury themself in Ezra's chest, sighing in relief as he hugged them tightly. 

"Are you feeling alright?" He asked gently, and AJ simply nodded, nuzzling his jaw and planting a soft kiss on his neck. 

Ezra let out a slow breath and squeezed them a little tighter, then relaxed. "I love you," he murmured, and AJ smiled against his skin, their heart beating a little faster in their chest. 

_I love you too._

It would have been so easy to say, just four soft little words, but they stuck in their throat, their own voice echoing in their head, Gabriel's face looming over them in their mind's eye. They'd said they hadn't loved him, and now they were choking on the truth, unable to actually say it out loud. So instead, they just leaned into him even more, only pulling away when they got to the front of the line. 

The trip home was a little easier, the sugar in the hot chocolate making AJ feel a bit more alert, and by the time they arrived back at Ezra's apartment, AJ was actually starting to feel hungry. 

Ezra led them into the kitchen and carefully laid the shopping out on the counter, humming to himself as he seemed to think. "We can roast the peppers with the salmon, the broccoli can be boiled and then spiced, and I'll grill the corn, how does that sound?" 

"Very technical," AJ laughed, leaning against his back and wrapping their arms around his waist. "I'm not a good cook." 

"That's why we're doing this," Ezra chuckled, gently shaking AJ off so he could start gathering spices and equipment. "When I struggled with eating, I found that learning to cook really helped me. I could find that love of food again in the process of cooking, and eating food that tastes good is a lot easier than eating burnt toast for every meal," he smiled, and AJ frowned. 

"I don't _always_ burn the toast," they joked, and Ezra laughed, turning to pull them into a quick kiss. 

"I know, magpie, I was talking about myself," he grinned, gesturing to the sink. "Wash your hands for me, sweetheart." 

They did as they were told and were immediately handed a knife and the broccoli. 

"You're trusting me with a knife?" AJ asked incredulously, and Ezra snorted, pointing to the chopping board. 

"I have every faith in you," he grinned, and AJ rolled their eyes, setting the broccoli down and starting to slice it, quickly realising it was a bit harder than they'd thought. They could feel Ezra watching them and pouted at him, which made him laugh. 

"Just cut it piece by piece, sweetheart. It doesn't need to be done quickly," he soothed, carrying the corn over to the sink to wash off the stringy bits, still keeping an eye on AJ. They managed to get the hang of it eventually, and Ezra washed the sliced up broccoli before putting it in a pan to be boiled later. 

"I'm going to put the oven on, come over here and I'll show you," he smiled, demonstrating for them how to get the right temperature and prepare the dish for the salmon. He placed the fish on the foil and coated it in spices, then washed his hands and showed AJ how to slice a bell pepper. 

They watched him, blushing a bit and biting their lip just as he turned to smile at them and handed them the knife. 

"You try," Ezra insisted softly, and AJ took the knife nervously, picking up the second pepper. 

"Today I'm realising how little I actually know about cooking," they announced, and began to slice, trying to copy the way Ezra had done it and almost taking their finger off in the process. Eventually, though, they managed it, and smiled at Ezra triumphantly as they set the knife down. 

"You're adorable," he grinned, leaning in and giving them a soft kiss before picking up the sliced pepper and setting it around the salmon. He sprinkled more oil and spices over the top and set it in the oven, along with the corn, which he'd covered in butter and wrapped in foil. 

"There, now we wait," he announced, and AJ smiled, wrapping their arms around his neck and hesitating just a couple of teasing inches from his lips. 

"Thank you," they murmured softly, and he chuckled, leaning in to kiss them lightly, barely brushing their lips together before pulling away again. 

"You're very welcome, my magpie," he answered, matching their tone, his blue eyes soft and loving. "I'm going to teach you to cook if it's the last thing I do," he joked quietly, and AJ giggled, leaning into his chest and kissing his cheek before hugging him tightly. 

"It might well be if you're going to keep giving me knives. I'm very clumsy," they grinned, and he just snorted, hugging them back just as tightly, fingers spread where his hands rested. His fingertips dug into their skin lightly, and AJ turned their head, burying their face in his soft, coconut-smelling hair briefly. 

"It'll be worth it," Ezra smiled, and AJ rolled their eyes as they gently started to pull away. 

"You keep ruining my jokes by being all soppy." 

"Good. I like being soppy with you," Ezra murmured, and AJ groaned in exasperation, pecking his lips quickly. 

"There you go again!" 

Ezra just grinned and pulled away from them, turning to open the fridge. AJ saw their chance and took it, giving his backside a gentle slap and wrapping their arms around him from behind as he took a bottle of juice down from the shelf. 

"Your punishment," they growled in his ear, and he laughed, leaning back into them slightly. 

"Oh no, I hated it so much, please never do that again," he said sarcastically, and AJ grinned, sliding their hands down from his chest and running them over to his backside, giving it a nice firm squeeze before giggling and running away. Ezra growled and began to run after them, chasing them into the living room and grabbing them, tickling their sides until they shrieked and fell down onto the couch to escape him. Laughing, Ezra climbed on top of their hips, tickling their ribs as they bucked, trying to dislodge him without much success. He was too busy fake growling at them and chuckling, his hands moving higher until he was suddenly cupping their jaw, his lips on theirs. AJ relaxed immediately, still breathing heavily, but no longer trying to push his hands away, instead tangling their fingers in his curls and slowly guiding him deeper. 

Ezra rocked his hips slightly, and AJ pulled away from the kiss long enough to mutter one soft little word before diving back in. 

"Green."

He hummed softly from the back of his throat in response, rocking again, his thigh slipping down between AJ's, rubbing against them. AJ gasped and slid their hands down, gently grabbing at his backside, guiding him to press harder, their hips coming up to meet his. Ezra moaned softly, grinding himself down against their thigh, his hands wandering over their chest and sides, under their shirt. Shivering, AJ smiled into the kiss, but Ezra was already pulling away, rubbing at their bare sides lightly. 

"Is this okay?" 

In place of a reply, AJ sat up slightly, undoing their belt and tugging their sweater off quickly, tossing it over the side of the sofa. Ezra followed suit, slipping his shirt off and grinning down at his partner, his hands running up their chest, his thumbs stroking over their nipples. They giggled shyly and gently pulled him closer, tracing their fingertips over his uneven scars. "I love these," they purred, ignoring the way Ezra pulled a face. "They remind me of how far you've come," AJ went on, one hand spreading against the left side of his chest, feeling his heartbeat, the other moving to his jaw. They gazed up into his beautiful blue eyes and then gently guided him into a kiss, pouting slightly when he broke away. 

"I'm glad you like them, I just...they bother me a bit," he mumbled, and AJ nodded, stroking his hair away from his forehead. 

"I know, angel. And that's okay too," they soothed, leaning up to kiss his cheek. "But I think you look perfect as you are, honestly." 

"Thank you," Ezra smiled, and kissed them again, his hands running up and down their ribs, stroking their sensitive skin as they pulled him deeper and deeper, loving the feeling of his lips on theirs. 

AJ let their hands wander for a while, exploring Ezra's soft skin, stroking over his more padded areas, enjoying the feel of his curves and his frame. The kisses were soft and slow and easy, and it gave both of them plenty of time to just touch each other, feeling one another's warmth and simply enjoying the moment. 

Unfortunately, the timer for the food made them both jump, and Ezra laughed as he pulled away from the kiss, grabbing his phone off the coffee table and dismissing the timer. 

He slipped his shirt back on and hurried into the kitchen, leaving AJ to lay there and stare at the ceiling for a minute before they followed, tugging their sweater back on, but forgetting about the belt. They felt light and happy, comforted by Ezra's touches, their heart warmed by the way he'd kissed them so slowly, like he had all the time in the world. AJ was used to people who were more concerned about their hourly rate than their pleasure, so it was refreshing to have Ezra taking his time with them. 

When they walked into the kitchen, Ezra was already getting the dish out of the oven, so they opened the cupboard and took two plates down, setting them on the counter. Ezra flashed them a smile and bumped his hip against theirs lightly. 

"Could you pour me a glass of water while I dish up, sweetheart?" 

AJ nodded and grabbed two glasses from the cupboard, filling them and carrying them to the table. Before they could head back into the kitchen, Ezra emerged, carrying two plates and smiling.

"Dinner time," he announced happily, setting the plates down and pulling a chair out. AJ sat down across from him nervously, then squirmed a bit and sighed. 

"Can I sit next to you?" They asked softly, and Ezra blinked, then nodded, frowning slightly as they moved their chair and plate around, sitting down again heavily. 

"I don't like people seeing me eat," AJ mumbled, and Ezra just nodded again, leaning over to kiss their cheek. 

"It's okay, sweetheart. And remember you don't have to eat all of it, alright?" 

They flashed him a small smile and picked up their knife and fork, looking down at their plate. Ezra had been right, actually cooking their own food instead of just putting a ready meal in the microwave or slapping a sandwich together really had felt good. And they felt proud of what was in front of them, as they flaked the fish with their fork and took a bite. Their eyes widened slightly and they took another bite quickly, smiling to themself. It was absolutely delicious, light and healthy, the blend of spices aromatic and a little sweet. 

"How is it?" Ezra asked softly, still focused on his own food. 

"Delicious," AJ murmured, reaching across the corner of the table to gently squeeze his wrist. "Thank you," they said softly, and Ezra smiled at them, blue eyes lifting to theirs at last. 

"You're welcome. I'll cook with you anytime."

AJ managed a substantial amount of their dinner, reasoning with themself that it was mostly vegetables and wasn't likely to be fattening. It certainly helped that Ezra was gently encouraging them, and the guilt of leaving about a third of their plate untouched was eased by Ezra polishing most of it off for them.

Once the washing up was done, they went to Ezra's room and AJ immediately crawled into his bed, flopping down on their back and watching idly as Ezra slipped his jeans off and swapped them for his usual shorts. Then he sat down on the edge of the bed and AJ heard the valve of his prosthesis hiss before he was crawling towards them, smiling as he leaned over them, his hands on either side of their head, propping him up. 

"Hey," AJ giggled softly, and he grinned, shifting his weight onto one hand so he could stroke his knuckles over their cheek slowly. 

"I'm proud of you," he said quietly, his eyes soft, his touch just as tender. "You did really well tonight." 

AJ felt the warmth rising to their cheeks and reached up, curling their fingers around the hem of his shirt, scrunching it in their hands. "Kiss me...please?" 

"How can I say no?" Ezra purred, and leaned down, his lips brushing AJ's briefly, then connecting properly, his hand in their hair, his position shifting again, his thigh once again between AJ's legs. They smiled into the kiss, gently sliding one hand over his cheek and pulling him a little deeper, and then slowly, deliberately, rolled their hips up against his thigh. Ezra pulled back from the kiss suddenly, worry in his eyes, but AJ was already laughing softly, tugging at his shirt impatiently. 

"Please! Come on, angel, you're being a tease!" They giggled, and he snorted, rolling his eyes fondly as he slipped his shirt off and tossed it over the side of the bed. 

"Caring about your consent is me being a tease?" He joked, and AJ grinned, rocking up against him and biting their lip as pleasure washed through them, physical pleasure as well as the simple happiness of being so close to Ezra. 

"Yes," they said softly as he leaned in, hesitating with his lips almost touching theirs before pulling back and making AJ groan in theatrical frustration. Ezra chuckled and gently pulled at the hem of their sweater, giving them a questioning look. 

In answer, AJ reached down and pulled the sweater over their head, having to wriggle a bit before finally getting it off and tossing it away. Before they could move, Ezra was on them again, his lips trailing a line of soft kisses down their neck to one of their nipples. AJ gasped in surprised pleasure and ran their fingers through his hair, whining as his tongue dragged over the little bud, his teeth catching their piercing and giving the gentlest of tugs. 

His hand ran a bit lower, skimming over their ribs, finding the waistband of their shorts. AJ let out a soft breath, trying not to let it hitch as Ezra began to suck on their nipple lightly, his tongue flicking back and forth. 

"You can take them off," they managed, struggling to keep their voice even, their body giving a little involuntary shiver as he bit down lightly. He hummed acknowledgment and began to work the button carefully, slipping it through the hole as he kept working his tongue, AJ's breath catching slightly as they heard the zipper slide down. And then he was breaking away from their chest, sliding their shorts down over their hips and away, and AJ immediately reached down to pull their tights off as well, before they lost their nerve. Ezra's eyes widened, a smile spreading across his face, his hands running up the outside of their bare thighs slowly.

AJ sank back to the bed, suddenly nervous, and Ezra followed them, leaning over them, one hand on their ribs. 

"You're so, so beautiful. My exquisite little sweetheart," he purred, and AJ felt a rush of emotion in their throat, just as he kissed them, his lips soft and slow, his hand slipping off their ribs to tug his shorts down clumsily, managing to kick them off without breaking the kiss. 

AJ grabbed at his hair quickly, rocking up into nothing, and Ezra's thigh moved up, slotting into place, their own knee bending instinctively as Ezra rolled his hips. His heat was obvious against their skin, dampness already seeping through the fabric of his boxers, and AJ could feel themself filling out, straining at their own underwear. Ezra rocked a little harder and AJ moaned, fingers tightening in his hair, their lungs drawing in a deep breath as the kiss broke. 

"You okay?" Ezra asked breathlessly, and they nodded, their lips parted, their eyes staring up into soft blue. "Can I touch you?" Ezra asked very softly, and AJ nodded, a slight smile pulling at their lips. 

"I'd like that." 

He grinned and kissed them again, soft and slow, his hand trailing down between their bodies, briefly cupping them through their underwear, giving a gentle little squeeze. Immediately, panic seized in AJ's chest and they scrambled away from him, panting softly, but focusing on what they could see in the room, focusing on the sheets, the pillow, their crumpled sweater on the floor, the blanket folded beside them. _The blanket._ AJ reached out for the blanket, their hand shaking violently, but Ezra was one step ahead of them, already unfolding it and laying it over them hurriedly, careful not to touch them any more than was strictly necessary. 

"It's okay," he said quickly, but AJ buried their face in their hands, shame filling them, burning like acid in their throat. The tears welled up before they could stop them, and Ezra's hesitant hand on their shoulder just made them feel worse. 

They wanted to give him everything, they wanted to be touched, but they just couldn't handle it. They couldn't do it, and it was all so incredibly frustrating. 

"Oh, sweetheart, don't cry," Ezra murmured, the bed sinking beside them as he sat down, and AJ turned, flinging their arms around his neck as they began to sob softly. 

"I-I'm sorry!" They choked out desperately, and Ezra embraced them tightly, one plump hand cradling the back of their head as they felt the tears spill over and run down their cheeks, tears of frustration and anger and shame. "I-I'm so sorry! I'm f-fucked up a-and-"

"No, you're not," Ezra interrupted calmly, his voice firm, but still loving. "You're traumatised, and that's completely normal. There is absolutely no reason to apologise to me, I'm in no rush, I promise. I just want you to feel safe and happy and good, alright?" 

AJ nodded shakily, fingers gently digging into Ezra's back, their sobs still making their breath hitch as they tried to express their frustration, tried to make Ezra understand why they were crying. "I just...I c-can do it with any client off the street, so why can't I just h-have sex with the man I-" but they gulped the last word back, still unable to force it out, the realisation only making them sob harder, Ezra's grip on them tightening slightly. 

"Shhh, sweetheart, it's okay. I know it's frustrating," he soothed, his fingers sliding into their hair as he rocked them ever so slightly. "But it's different. Your job isn't what we're trying to do, from what you've told me, you seem to dissociate completely when you work, and if that's what we wanted, then I'm sure you could manage it, but this is something else," he pointed out gently, his voice soft and calm and everything AJ needed. "Having sex in a relationship is new, and new things take time. That's all it is, okay?" 

AJ managed a shaky nod and Ezra squeezed them tightly, pressing a soft kiss to the side of their head, his grip protective as they tried to stop sobbing, everything feeling like it was moving too fast around them. They knew Ezra was right, they knew it was different, but the anger with themself and the world was still gnawing at them, making it far too difficult to really process what Ezra had said. 

"There's absolutely nothing wrong with you," Ezra repeated quietly, and AJ took a deep, shuddering breath, nodding ever so slightly as their sobs finally began to get softer. 

It still took them a minute or two to calm down fully, even with Ezra's loving encouragement, but AJ eventually pulled away from him and laid down again, dragging their hands down their face and heaving a deep sigh. 

Ezra moved to lay on his side next to them, propping himself up on his elbow as AJ pressed the heels of their hands against their eyes, trying to ignore the embarrassment blooming in every cell of their body. 

"I think we should talk about...about intimacy a bit more," Ezra announced quietly, and AJ just waited patiently for him to say more. "As in...I think we should explore some other types," he went on awkwardly, clearly thinking while he was talking. "And talk about what we want to get out of being intimate." 

AJ nodded slightly, rolling over to face him and trying to pretend that the last ten minutes hadn't happened. "Yeah, I'm...new to all of this," they admitted softly, waving their hands vaguely. "I mean, I've never had a relationship before, right? So I have no idea what I'm doing." 

Ezra chuckled softly and reached out, fixing their hair gently. "To be fair, every new couple has that 'we don't know what we're doing' phase. Everyone is different in terms of sexual and non-sexual intimacy, and it can be difficult to match up what you want or what you're used to giving to what your new partner wants," he pointed out, still smiling, his eyes soft as he stroked his knuckles over their cheek, allowing them to relax, a soft breath leaving their lungs. "And we need to do that. For non-sexual stuff, I mean. I think if we can focus on intimacy outside of sex, then we can apply what we learn from that to sexual situations, does that make sense? Besides, it's just as important anyway." 

Smiling, AJ shifted closer to him and bit their lip lightly, their eyes flickering down slightly before returning up to his gaze. "Kissing counts, right? 'Cause I think we're getting pretty good at that," they grinned, and Ezra chuckled, closing the gap and kissing them softly, his eyelids fluttering before he pulled away, still smiling. 

"We are," he agreed, moving the blanket so it covered both of them and sliding his hand over AJ's bare waist. "And I think we have similar needs and desires around that, so that's a good start. What other things do you think about when you think about relationships? Like when you watch a romantic movie, what are the things you think you'd like?" 

"Big assumption there, that I watch romantic movies," AJ giggled, and Ezra rolled onto his back, holding his arm out to them as an invitation. AJ took it immediately, cuddling up to his side and resting their head on his chest, his arm wrapping around them protectively. 

"Please," he snorted, shaking his head and giving them a little squeeze. "You're a massive softy, don't deny it." 

Deciding not to grace this with a response - because of course he was right - AJ just slid their arm around him, clinging on gently. 

"Hmm. I guess...cuddling, like this. I like talking to you like this, it feels intimate. And sleeping together. I want to get better at that, I tend to have trouble sleeping if my routine is different," AJ murmured, trailing their fingertips up and down Ezra's side thoughtfully. "And people in movies always take showers and stuff together, I've always wanted to do that. What are some things you like?" 

Ezra let out a soft, contented sigh, running his fingers through AJ's silky hair slowly, tidying it carefully. "I love cuddling, and sleeping in the same bed. Cooking together, I like that. Um...massages, that's a big thing for me, because of my leg. I like giving and receiving them," he smiled, and AJ shifted a bit closer, closing their eyes contentedly. "I also just like being naked or almost naked together, like this," Ezra added quietly. "I like being able to touch your skin directly, it feels intimate to me." 

"I think we have very similar desires," AJ commented, and Ezra hummed agreement. 

"Makes life easier."

"Very true. Could we maybe...try one of those things tonight?" AJ suggested, a little stirring of nerves in their stomach at the thought that Ezra might say no. 

"Of course," he said immediately, and AJ relaxed again, their fingers spreading against the side of his stomach. "What do you want to try? We're already going to sleep together tonight," he pointed out, and AJ bit their lip, then smiled to themself, their eyelids fluttering open. 

"I could do with a shower.." they said slowly, and Ezra chuckled, squeezing them lightly. 

"Yeah? You'd have to be naked," he murmured, his voice beginning playful, then getting a bit more serious. "Actually, I um...I could lend you some swim shorts," he went on. "We could both wear them, if you...if you're not comfortable with being naked yet." 

"I'd like the shorts, please," AJ admitted quietly, and Ezra gently began to disentangle himself from them, grabbing his crutches. 

"Let me go and find them, okay? I think they're in a box in the laundry area."

AJ nodded and watched him go, rolling onto their stomach sleepily and pressing their face into the pillow, their arms folded underneath it. They could hear Ezra rummaging around in the apartment, and turned their head when footsteps headed back down the hall, opening their eyes just as Ezra appeared in the doorway, two pairs of brightly coloured shorts dangling from his fingers. He leaned against the doorframe and just smiled, blue eyes soft as he stared at them. 

AJ blinked at him, then laughed quietly, their face still half pressed into the pillow. 

"Why don't you take a picture, it'll last longer?" They grinned, and Ezra chuckled, then pushed off from the doorframe and moved closer, picking his phone up off the bedside table. 

"Only if you'd be okay with that," he smiled, and AJ's eyes widened, their heart thudding in their chest. But a little voice in the back of their mind began to whisper, reminding them how much they trusted him, how kind and loving he was, and they smiled. 

"Sure." 

Ezra grinned and stepped back again to get a good angle, and AJ smiled at the camera for him, their cheeks flushing slightly as they tried to ignore their slight nerves. 

"Would you maybe turn over for me?" Ezra asked very quietly, and AJ nodded, rolling over and blushing even darker as they laid on their side, one hand fluffing their hair as Ezra crouched down in front of the bed.

"I don't know what to do with myself," AJ complained softly, and Ezra just shook his head, already sitting down on the edge of the bed, leaning his crutches up against it. 

"Here," he murmured, handing them the phone, and AJ couldn't help but smile to themself, biting their lip lightly. They hadn't liked a photo of themself in _years,_ and yet, Ezra had managed to take photos that they not only didn't mind, but actually liked. The ones of them on their side looked natural and cute, the sheets bunched around their waist and showing off their chest, piercings catching the light. The ones with them on their stomach were downright perfect, their face half-hidden, the curve of their back still visible even under the blanket. 

"These are really good, angel," they breathed softly, and Ezra smiled, taking the phone back.

"It's all you. Can't take beautiful photos without something beautiful to take photos of, huh?" He said with a grin, and AJ shoved at his side again playfully, their cheeks once again on fire. 

"Stop! You're being all soppy again!" They giggled, and Ezra simply chuckled, leaning down to kiss them softly. 

"You love it," he pointed out, and AJ nodded, biting their lip lightly as he pulled away, handing them a pair of shorts. "If you go change in the bathroom, I'll be along in a second. It's easier for me to change on the bed," he murmured, and AJ nodded, getting up hurriedly and slipping out of the room. They strode down the hall and stepped into the bathroom, quickly swapping their underwear for the absolutely massive shorts. They had to pull the drawstring as tight as possible, the waistband scrunching up, and they smiled to themself, toying with the excess fabric as they turned, noticing the huge bathtub for the first time. 

Oddly enough, AJ had used Ezra's bathroom plenty of times, but they hadn't properly seen the bath up until that moment. It didn't look like it was used much in comparison to the shower; it didn't have many bottles around it and the floor was completely dry, and AJ wondered why, just as there was a soft knock on the door. 

"Come in," they answered, and Ezra slipped in, shutting the door behind him and setting two folded towels down on the counter. He leaned on his crutches for a moment, blushing as he smiled at them. 

"You ready?" 

"Yeah, um...could we have a bath instead?" AJ suggested quietly, nervous, and Ezra blinked, then smiled slowly. 

"We could, actually," he answered, glancing at the tub. "I um...can't use it on my own, I can't get out, so I use the shower and that chair thing," he explained, using his crutch to gesture at a folded plastic contraption leaning against the wall. "So as long as you're alright with helping me in and out, then yeah." 

"Of course," AJ smiled, moving closer to him and running their hands over his chest to rest on his shoulders. "It'll be intimate. In a special, caring way." 

"Very true," Ezra hummed, pulling them into a quick kiss. "I'm excited, I haven't had a bath in years." 

AJ grinned and quickly slipped away from him to turn the tap on, reaching down and popping the plug down. "Good, I'm excited too," they smiled, and Ezra took a deep breath. 

"I should probably get in now, before it gets too full," he pointed out softly, and AJ nodded, standing at the side of the tub and gesturing for him.

"Come here and let me help," they ordered gently, and Ezra obeyed, leaning down to test the water temperature before smiling at AJ nervously and setting his crutches down. AJ quickly took his arm, then swallowed. 

"How...how do we do this?" 

Ezra smiled awkwardly and nodded to the tub. "I need to sit down on the edge, if you could just stand next to me, moral support," he chuckled, and AJ nodded dutifully, holding his hand and standing on his bad side as he sat down slowly, then reached behind him and grabbed onto the handle set into the tub. 

"I can get my legs over myself, but I'll need support to not just fall," he said quietly, and AJ moved to stand behind the end of the tub, slipping their hands under his arms. Ezra swung his legs up and over carefully, and, with AJ's support, managed to lower himself into the water without too much hassle. AJ smiled triumphantly and tied their hair up quickly, then moved to get into the tub and hesitated. 

"Where should I..?" They murmured, trailing off, and Ezra smiled up at them lovingly, holding his hands out. 

"Come sit between my legs so I can hug you," he grinned, and AJ smiled back at him shyly, carefully stepping into the tub and letting his hands rest on their hips, gently helping them as they slowly sat down and leaned back. Ezra's chest was unbelievably comfortable and warm against their back, his arms slotting around their waist, everything fitting perfectly as AJ sank a little deeper into the rising water, letting out a soft sigh of complete contentment. Ezra purred and leaned around them, grabbing a small bottle from the side and pouring a good helping of it into the water. The scent of lavender and warmth filled the room, and bubbles fountained up, already clinging to AJ's skin as Ezra squeezed them lightly.

"I'll just have to buy Anathema some more bubble bath," he chuckled, and AJ nodded sleepily, feeling more relaxed than they had in weeks, all wrapped up safe in Ezra's arms and the warm, lavender-scented water. 

"You okay?" He asked gently, and AJ stifled a yawn, running their hands over his arms. 

"Mhm. Just suddenly tired," they murmured, sitting up a bit and turning their head to nuzzle at his neck, pressing a soft kiss to the underside of his jaw. 

"Mm, we can go to bed after this," Ezra smiled, and AJ shifted as they felt the bubbles start to rise up their chest. "Maybe watch something before sleep, have a good cuddle?" 

"I can never have too much cuddling," AJ purred, closing their eyes and shivering in delight when they felt Ezra's lips against the shell of their ear. "You don't have to be careful about touching me just because I panicked, by the way. I was enjoying it all up until that point, I promise." 

"Thank you for the clarification," Ezra murmured sincerely, kissing the back of their jaw and letting his hand wander higher. "I absolutely love touching you. You're just so perfect and touchable and beautiful, I love getting to feel you. I'm so lucky to have you." 

"I'm the lucky one," AJ insisted with a smile, relaxing even more as Ezra's hand reached one of their nipples, gently rolling the bud between thumb and forefinger, toying with their piercing. 

"You can't help yourself, can you?" They chuckled, and Ezra shook his head, his other hand rubbing their ribs gently. 

"No, I love them so much," he mumbled, sounding a little guilty. "I can stop, if-" 

"Please don't, I really like it," AJ said hurriedly, then bit their lip and shifted position slightly. "I know it's a little weird, but it just feels nice when you touch me like that. I guess...it's something that's usually sexual, and it just feels nice being...normal." 

Ezra nodded, hugging them again and squeezing gently, letting them slide down a little further to get more comfortable. "I understand. I'm glad you like it, too. I really can't help myself," he laughed softly, and AJ smiled, then squirmed a bit and managed to curl up sideways, leaning their shoulder against Ezra's chest and pressing a light, lingering kiss to the underside of his jaw. 

"You're so perfect to cuddle," they mumbled, and Ezra sighed contentedly, one hand on their shoulder, the other arm still wrapped around their waist as he pulled them in closer, kissing the side of their head once more. 

"Come here, you sappy little sweetheart," he murmured, and AJ just grinned, closing their eyes while they simply enjoyed the feeling of being protected and cared for. 

After a minute or two, Ezra picked up the fancy soap he'd gotten at the market and began to run it over their skin, causing them to let out a happy sigh, turning their face into his chest. Ezra hummed softly and kissed the top of their head, starting to wash their legs slowly, his touch gentle and careful, completely innocent. AJ kissed his skin lightly, and Ezra gave a soft little snort, just before they took the soap from his unresisting hand, leaning away from him so they could wash him off slowly. It was easy to lose themself in the motions, focusing on cleaning his skin, and they found it so completely relaxing and intimate that they couldn't help themself from putting the soap aside as soon as they'd finished and curling up against his chest again. Ezra hugged them tightly, but didn't say anything. Nothing really needed to be said, the moment was perfect as it was; quiet and peaceful. 

Although getting Ezra out of the tub again was a bit more difficult than AJ had anticipated, they managed it eventually, and AJ helped him dry off while he leaned on his crutches. Then they both got ready for bed, AJ taking their pill without having to worry about whether Ezra saw this time. And when they slipped into their pajamas, they left their shirt off, crawling into bed with Ezra and curling up against his soft t-shirt. He wrapped his arms around them reflexively and kissed the side of their head, letting out a contented breath. 

"I love you," he murmured, and AJ bit down on their tongue, simply squeezing him a little tighter. After a few comfortable, quiet minutes, AJ rolled over, curling up and smiling to themself sleepily as Ezra's arm slipped around their bare waist, his body curling around theirs. AJ stroked his arm lightly, then closed their eyes and allowed themself to relax, taking deep, measured breaths and letting their tiredness take over. 

They managed to fall asleep fairly quickly, but still slept in fits, waking up every couple of hours or so and cuddling up to their sleeping partner until they managed to fall asleep again. It was exhausting, but they knew the only way they'd get used to sleeping with him was repetition, so they just reminded themself that they were lucky to have someone to cuddle with, and did their best to keep the waking periods short. 

The second to last time AJ woke, however, they couldn't help themself, Ezra just looked so adorable. The sun was still coming up, the light filtering in through the curtains like liquid gold as it spilled over Ezra, illuminating his sleepy, peaceful face. AJ immediately snuggled up to him and reached up, stroking their knuckles down his cheek over and over, marvelling at how soft his skin was, and nearly melting when he stirred, his brow furrowing slightly, an adorable little huff passing his lips before he relaxed again. AJ smiled to themself happily, cuddling into his chest and closing their eyes. 

_I love you._

They didn't try to say it out loud this time, just thinking it as hard as they could, hugging him tightly until their grip began to loosen and they drifted off one last time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! I hope you enjoyed this chapter, I really like this one I have to admit!   
> Let me know what you thought of this extra fluffy stuff!   
> ♡♡♡


	32. Chapter Thirty Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter includes: sexual content.

The next day after their date at the night market, Ezra took the morning off from his lectures to have a lie in with AJ, finding them still asleep when he woke. They were curled up facing away from him, so he very carefully sat up, fitting his prosthesis before slowly getting to his feet. Thankfully, AJ didn’t wake, so he left them to sleep, wandering into the kitchen and smiling to himself as he picked out the bag of grapes AJ had chosen at the market the night before. Then he poured two glasses of water and carried it all back into the bedroom, setting it on the bedside table before doffing his leg and crawling back into bed comfortably. 

Carefully, Ezra wrapped himself around AJ, his arm sliding into place around their waist, his lips pressing against the back of their bare shoulder lightly. To his dismay, AJ stirred; he immediately went still, but they were already waking, letting out a soft sigh and skimming their fingertips down his arm. 

"Good morning, sweetheart," Ezra murmured, his voice a little hoarse from sleep, and AJ hummed contentedly, rolling over and burying themself in his chest. 

"Mmph," they mumbled, and Ezra chuckled, stroking their hair slowly. 

"I have no idea what that was," he murmured, and AJ grunted again, their fingers tangling in his shirt as he traced his hand up and down their spine. 

"M'tired," they said, managing to make it intelligible this time, despite how much they'd pressed their face into him. Ezra purred and hugged them tightly, pulling them impossibly closer. 

"We don't have to go anywhere just yet," he soothed, feeling AJ smile against his chest. "I took the morning off." 

"I have an appointment at twelve," AJ mumbled, shifting slightly. Ezra went still for a moment, fear and confusion gripping him, but AJ was already explaining softly. "Just a cam stream. I've booked a few extra in so I'm at least making a bit of money," they said quietly, and Ezra nodded, relaxing slightly. 

He wasn't sure he liked the idea of them working at all so soon after leaving the hospital, but at least they couldn't get hurt. 

"Alright, sweetheart, it's ten now," he murmured, and AJ pulled away slightly to yawn, nodding. 

"I'll leave at eleven," they hummed, and Ezra smiled, squeezing them tighter. 

"Good. More time for me," he purred, and AJ chuckled sleepily, gently wriggling from his arms and just laying in front of him, their hands tucked under the side of their head, their golden eyes adorably soft.

"I just wanna look at you for a bit," they admitted quietly, and Ezra grinned, reaching out to tuck their hair back behind their ear.

"Good. It means _I_ get to look at _you,"_ he announced, and AJ blushed, biting their lip lightly as they studied his face. Ezra used the time to take them in, to enjoy the fact that the bruises on their neck had finally completely faded, the drawn and pale look to their face having changed into a much more healthy complexion. They were starting to fill out again, from dangerously skinny back to incredibly slim, and although Ezra would have liked to see some more curves on their body, it was massive progress already. 

"I'm proud of you," he said softly, and AJ looked surprised for a moment before smiling, their hand coming up to rest on his cheek, their thumb stroking back and forth over his skin. 

"What for?" They murmured, and Ezra shrugged. 

"Everything. You're so strong, sweetheart," he smiled, moving closer to them, his gaze flickering down automatically to fix on their lips. "You look so much better, and you're doing so well with eating better. I'm just...I love you," he finished, and AJ kissed him, their hands spreading on his cheeks, their weight shifting, gently rolling Ezra onto his back so they could straddle him, the kiss getting deeper and deeper.

Ezra ran his hands up AJ's sides, then to their chest, thumbs stroking over their nipples, and AJ broke away from the kiss for just a moment to giggle, then dove back in, parting their lips slightly, driving the kiss deeper yet again. Ezra followed their lead contentedly, then gently flipped them over, chuckling as he pinned them down lightly, his hands running up their arms to place their hands on either side of their head, his fingers tangling with theirs as he grinned down at them. AJ smiled back trustingly, moving their legs so one of his was between theirs, and opening them slightly. Ezra took the silent invitation and kissed them, squeezing their hands as he shifted position and rolled his hips. AJ gasped against his lips, their back arching, and Ezra pulled them deeper, rocking again, rubbing his thigh up against them and grinding down against their leg, moaning ever so softly into the kiss.

AJ grinned and tipped their head back on the next roll, so Ezra ducked down, kissing down to their chest and running his tongue into the dip above their collarbone. This elicited a giggle and a moan from his partner, their hips rolling against his, their thigh pressing into his sensitive area, dragging against him. Ezra groaned happily and surged back up to kiss them, both of them beginning to get sloppy as they focused on getting a rhythm with their hips; AJ rocking up every time Ezra pressed down, so they were both moaning against each other's lips happily. 

And then Ezra let go of their hands, his own wandering down to their ribs, his thumbs swiping over their nipples. AJ flung their head back and gasped, choking on a breath as they tried to force out a plea. 

"T-touch me! Please!" They managed, and Ezra hesitated, stroking his hand over their stomach, his hips stalling. 

"Are you sure?" 

"Fuck! _Yes!"_ AJ gasped, and Ezra chuckled softly, then guided them back into a slow kiss, his hips no longer rolling as he trailed one hand down, the other cradling their cheek. This time, AJ didn't panic as soon as his hand found them, instead moaning shakily, their fingertips digging into his back gently, their hips rocking up against his touch.

A little uncertain of what he was doing, Ezra gave a little squeeze, then began to cup their shaft through their underwear, stroking up and down it as best he could. To his shock, AJ reached down between them to tug their underwear down, just enough to let their genitals free, their half-hard shaft brushing against Ezra's hand. Nervously, he sat back slightly to see it properly, then reached for the tub of lotion on his bedside table, twisting the top off quickly. He scooped some out with his fingers and looked up at AJ, who smiled at him, their own eyes reflecting his nerves. 

"I love you," he murmured, and AJ's smile widened, their body relaxing. 

"I know," they answered simply, and Ezra gently took them in his hand, leaning down to kiss them again as he stroked very slowly, making sure to coat them in plenty of lotion, trying to remember what he'd seen in the very small amount of porn he'd watched that contained penises. He settled for just a careful gliding movement, running his hand up and down, feeling the way AJ shuddered under him, gasping against his lips. The kiss quickly became sloppy again, AJ moaning softly almost every time he stroked them, so he ducked down and nuzzled at their neck instead, planting kisses all over their skin and relishing the knowledge that he was making them feel good at last, that they trusted him so deeply. 

And then their shaft finished filling out, heavy in his hand, and AJ was pushing at his chest gently, shaking ever so slightly. 

"I c-can't go further!" They gasped, and Ezra immediately backed off, sitting back and rubbing their knee while they tucked themself back into their underwear hurriedly, their expression full of shame and disappointment.

Ezra leaned over them immediately, giving them one last soft kiss. "It's okay, beautiful. You did so well," he soothed, and they managed a shaky smile, gently pushing at his side. 

"You should wash your hands." 

Ezra nodded and sat up, opening his bedside drawer and pulling out a bottle of hand sanitizer. He used it liberally, then crawled back into bed beside AJ, laying on his side next to them and stroking up and down their chest slowly. They sighed and turned to face him, their expression telling him all he needed to know. 

"Don't you dare apologise," he said sharply, before they could open their mouth, and they just sighed. 

"I'm...I'm just frustrated," AJ mumbled hesitantly, and Ezra nodded, running his hand up and down their side slowly. 

"I know. But we're making progress. You couldn't even have me touch you through your underwear last night, and both times you've stopped me before having a bad panic. You're doing really well, you just need to take a deep breath and remind yourself that it's going to take time. And that's okay. For now, all we have to focus on is enjoying it, yeah?" 

AJ sighed and slipped their arm around him, nodding slightly. "It's just hard to remember." 

"It is," Ezra agreed softly, smiling sadly and pulling them into a brief kiss. "But that's why I'm here to remind you." 

"I need to pee," AJ muttered, sitting up and grabbing their bag before Ezra could pull them back. He watched them go and just sighed to himself, then moved to sit on the edge of the bed again, smoothing lotion over his leg, rubbing it in carefully.

After a few minutes of silence, he grabbed his crutches and headed down the hall, rapping on the bathroom door lightly. 

"Sweetheart? Are you okay?" 

"I'm fine," AJ called back quietly, their voice still a bit strained, but not sounding any more upset than when they'd left Ezra's bedroom. "I just...I'm in need of a cold shower," they admitted, and Ezra felt the heat rising to his cheeks, a little stirring of triumph flickering in his chest at the thought that he'd been able to turn his partner on that much. 

"Can I...can I help in any way?" He asked hesitantly, not wanting to sound forward or pushy, but still a bit worried about AJ. 

"No, I'm okay," they chuckled, their voice still brimming over with embarrassment. "I'm just...I'm used to having the exact opposite problem." 

Ezra snorted despite himself, leaning against the doorframe for a moment or two. "Alright, sweetheart. I'll leave you in peace." 

"I won't be long," AJ assured him quietly, and Ezra just smiled to himself, making his way back to bed. 

In fact, it took AJ about fifteen minutes to finish whatever they were doing in the bathroom, eventually wandering back into the bedroom fully dressed - wearing the pastel pink overalls outfit Ezra had liked so much last time he'd seen it. They were still blushing, and avoided Ezra's gaze as they slid into bed with him, so he decided teasing them about what had just happened might be a bit too far and just kissed their cheek. 

"Hey. Are you feeling okay?" He asked, and AJ nodded, giving him a grateful look just before he reached over and grabbed the bag of grapes from the bedside table, moving it to the bed between them. AJ propped their head up on their hand, still laying on their side, and smiled at him. 

"I'm really glad you're in my life, Ezra," they announced softly, and he reached into the bag, popping a grape off one of the stems and grinning as he raised it to their lips. 

"Yeah? I'm glad you're in mine," he answered simply, and AJ giggled in that adorable way of theirs, opening their mouth so he could place the grape on their tongue. 

"Softy," they teased before biting down, and Ezra rolled his eyes, taking another grape from the bag and offering it to them. 

"You're the one who started it." 

"Yeah, but you're the softy," AJ smirked, clearly loving the silly bickering as much as always. 

"How am I the soft one? I feel like I'm trying to run up a down escalator here," he chuckled, and AJ opened their mouth again obediently, this time pretending to bite down on his fingers. Ezra pulled back and laughed, swatting at their hip ever so lightly. 

"Naughty!" 

"Yes, I am," AJ grinned, and Ezra huffed a breath, rolling onto his back and picking up another grape, turning it over in his fingers. 

"You're incorrigible, that's what you are," he said in a flat tone, and AJ whined, quickly climbing up to straddle his hips, then smiling to themself and laying down on his stomach, their arms folded on his chest, their chin resting on their hands as they moved their legs to get comfortable. Ezra chuckled and affectionately tugged at one of their ears, causing them to giggle and try to bat his hand away. 

"Hey!" 

"I'm gonna take all this gold and hoard it for myself," he grinned, and AJ stuck their tongue out at him, only to protest as he tried to grab it. 

In retaliation, they took a couple grapes from the bag and nudged them against his lips, frowning when he refused to open his mouth. 

"Come on," they pouted, and he parted his lips at last, allowing them to drop the two grapes into his mouth, and offering them the one he'd been holding. AJ ate it almost without seeming to notice, and Ezra made a mental note of this. It seemed like incorporating snacks into cuddling and playful rituals was going to be an effective way to sneak in some extra nourishment. 

AJ leaned over him and picked a small bunch out of the bag, setting it down on his chest and starting to eat contentedly, occasionally slipping one between Ezra's lips, but mostly just relaxing completely. 

"I thought you didn't like me seeing you eat," he commented after a few minutes, and AJ looked up from twisting a grape off the stem, golden eyes soft. 

"Not meals," they answered quietly, their gaze flickering back down to their hands. "Things like this aren't messy." 

"Fair enough," Ezra hummed, letting his heavy eyelids slip closed as he settled back onto the pillow. "I'm just glad you're comfortable." 

AJ didn't reply, but Ezra just lay there for a while, enjoying the feel of their movements on top of him, a constant reminder that they were there and spending time with him. Eventually, AJ set the bare stems aside and shifted, moving so they were laying a little higher up his body, their head tucked directly under his chin, their arms wrapping around him. Ezra let out a satisfied sigh and let one hand find its accustomed place in their hair, his other coming to rest on their side, feeling their warmth through their clothes. 

"Those grapes are so good," AJ mumbled, and Ezra slid his arm around them, squeezing lightly as they shifted again, briefly nuzzling at his neck before going still. 

"Good. Take them home with you." 

"I will," AJ promised softly, and Ezra allowed the silence to settle again, thick and warm, like wrapping himself up in a blanket straight out of the dryer. It was so easy to be silent with AJ. Especially with all their little sounds, like their breathing, or the way they kept rubbing one of their feet against the other slightly.

But just half an hour wasn't long enough, and although it felt like Ezra could quite happily have laid there all day, AJ was sitting up all too soon, stretching out as they stifled a yawn. 

"No, no, you can't," Ezra groaned, and AJ sighed, leaning down again to kiss him softly. 

"I know, I don't want to either, but I need to. I'm sorry." 

Ezra opened his eyes, gently grabbing their hands, giving them a little squeeze. AJ smiled down at him, their eyes just taking him in, as if storing him up for later. Then they sighed again and finally got up, starting to shove their clothes back into their backpack. 

Wincing, Ezra sat up and swung his legs over the edge of the bed, reaching for his prosthesis, but AJ was already there, kneeling in front of him. Ezra blinked in surprise, and they smiled up at him, carefully rolling the first sleeve over his leg. 

"I want to learn how to do it properly," they announced, and Ezra chuckled, his hand stroking over their hair lightly. 

"You're getting it right so far," he murmured, watching AJ as they slid the second sleeve on slowly. "Thank you. For being normal with me, for treating this as normal," he added quietly, and AJ looked up at him, giving a little shrug.

"It is normal," they pointed out. "Lots of people have prosthetic limbs," they went on, picking up his prosthesis and carefully guiding his leg into the socket. 

"You know what I mean," Ezra sighed, and AJ gestured for him to stand up and clicked the valve. 

"Done. And yes, I knew what you meant," AJ smiled, getting to their feet and pulling him into a brief little kiss. "But look, Ezra. I care about you and...and l-...like you for you, and this is part of you. I just...I want you to be comfortable around me," they shrugged, and Ezra took a deep breath, stepping forward to hug them loosely, turning his head to nuzzle at their cheek, kissing their skin softly. AJ let out a soft sigh and squeezed him gently, then began to pull away and guided him into one last kiss. 

"I'll see you later," they smiled, and Ezra nodded reluctantly, helping them with their bag and following them down the hall. AJ crouched to slip their shoes on and Ezra watched, trying to ignore the ache in his chest. He really, really didn't want them to go. He wanted to wrap them up in his arms and kiss them all day, but he knew he couldn't, so he just caught them by the waist as they turned to open the door. AJ giggled and twisted away, then quickly kissed his cheek and managed to get the front door open. 

"I have to go!" They laughed, and Ezra pouted, gently trying to grab them back, but they were already backing away, still smiling. "If I don't go now, I never will!" 

Ezra sighed and nodded, and AJ darted forward, kissing his cheek softly before heading down the hall. They stopped by the door out of the building and blew him a kiss, then slipped out and were gone. 

Sighing, Ezra turned and went back inside slowly, wandering over to his desk to start some work. 

After a while, he heard the front door open again, and got up, walking out of his room to see Anathema slipping her shoes off. 

"Hey," she smiled, and he folded his arms over his chest, leaning against the doorframe. 

"Hey yourself. You spent two nights with her," he chuckled, and Anathema blushed, walking into the kitchen. Ezra followed, watching as she got a glass out of the cupboard and filled it with water. 

"Yeah, um...it was...really good," she mumbled, turning to face him and smiling as she drank. Ezra raised an eyebrow and she giggled, setting the glass down. 

"I left my stuff there so I didn't have to take it to uni and we went back to hers together after classes and...well, things got a bit...out of hand," she grinned, shrugging. "And by um...by the time we were done, I was tired, so I just stayed the night." 

Ezra chuckled and leaned his hip against the counter, taking some of the weight off his leg. "How was it? I'm assuming it was fairly difficult for her." 

Anathema nodded, hopping up to sit on the counter and looking down at the floor, her cheeks still red. "She...she said she trusted me enough, you know? And we've been...well, we didn't call it together until she came out, but we have been seeing each other for months now, really. It all just happened really naturally and she was really glad we did it," Anathema smiled, still not looking at Ezra, but gazing downwards with an expression of fond, happy recollection. "She said it was the first time she's had sex as herself, and she's really glad she was able to feel comfortable sharing that first with me." 

Ezra let out a soft sigh and just looked at Anathema for a moment before answering. "You guys are so cute it's going to kill me," he said seriously, and Anathema laughed, meeting his gaze at last and grinning. 

"Now you know how I feel about you and AJ. Where are they, anyway?" 

Ezra felt his cheeks begin to get warm and bit his lip lightly. "They went home for an appointment. Just like a cam stream thing," he added quickly, noticing the way Anathema frowned. "They're doing really well, though. We made dinner together and they ate quite a lot of it. Actually, I had a bath for the first time in like...years." 

Anathema raised an eyebrow, and he laughed, knowing he was blushing properly now, but not caring. 

"Yeah, um...we wore swimming shorts, and they helped me in and out and we cuddled. And they're getting more comfortable with me, I think. But they...they have a lot of.." he trailed off, then sighed softly. "They have a lot of sexual trauma, unsurprisingly. It's going to take us a while." 

"They're dealing with a lot at the moment, aren't they?" Anathema sighed sympathetically. "I can imagine it must be frustrating." 

"Yeah, I mean...I don't mind so much," Ezra shrugged, looking down and folding his arms over his chest again. "I mean, I really want to get there so I can make them feel good, but...but they're _really_ upset about it. I might...I'm tempted to try talking to Mrs. Tracy again." 

"Maybe you should introduce them to each other," Anathema suggested softly. "It sounds like AJ could really do with someone to talk to who isn't you and isn't directly invested in your relationship at all." 

"Maybe," Ezra hummed, then smiled slightly. "She does seem to love me. She can talk me up to them," he joked, and Anathema rolled her eyes. 

"They don't need that, they're already smitten."

Ezra smiled a little wider and gave a small shrug, then turned away and opened the fridge to find something for lunch. "They have their MRI tomorrow, so maybe I'll see if Mrs. Tracy is in after that." 

"Yeah, maybe send her a text," Anathema answered, moving out of the way as Ezra began to make himself a sandwich. "Are you working today?" 

"Yeah, I can't afford to take today off," Ezra sighed, starting to grate some cheese. "We're doing a really important restoration and if I take much more time off, it's going to fall behind schedule. And I need to do well in my internship to get my degree - I have to get references for my supervisors and everything, y’know?" 

"I know. It just seems a shame you can't spend more time with them after everything. They must still be struggling." 

"I think they're doing okay," Ezra sighed. "But yeah, I wish I had more time to be with them. I worry about them when they're not here. Luckily they're pretty good at texting me and keeping me updated when they're not napping or working, but still." 

"Maybe we can go on a double date soon," Anathema suggested thoughtfully. "It would be nice to introduce Newt to another trans feminine person and I expect AJ would benefit from it as well." 

Ezra nodded, smiling at the thought and pressing the top down on his sandwich. "Yeah. They'd love to have someone else to talk to about things. It’s always nice to have friends who go through the same experiences as you." 

"You know," Anathema mused, still watching Ezra with a small smile on her face. "If someone had asked me to pick someone I'd expect you to date, AJ is like...all the way at the bottom of the list. The last kind of person I'd think of for you, but you guys are so fucking cute," she chuckled, leaning back against the counter. "And I'm really glad you're with them. Even if things are a bit complicated, it's the happiest I've seen you in ages. I think you're really good for each other." 

Ezra picked up his plate and smiled at her one last time. "Thank you. I do too, and I love them very much, so I'm glad you approve," he announced. "But I have to go get dressed and eat this so I'm not late. I'll see you in a bit, okay?" 

"Yeah, of course," Anathema answered, and Ezra slipped out of the kitchen, humming to himself as he headed to his bedroom. 

Later that day, Ezra dragged himself home and immediately crawled into bed, flopping facedown. He'd had to do a lot of work going through archives in the basement and there weren't any elevators, meaning he'd had to go up and down several flights of stairs throughout his whole afternoon shift, and he was utterly exhausted. 

After a minute or two, he summoned the energy to sit up enough to get changed, taking his prosthesis off in the process and falling backwards to stare up at the ceiling just as his phone rang. Groaning, he rolled over and grabbed it out of his jeans pocket, looking at the caller ID before answering it. 

"Hey, sweetheart," he mumbled, and AJ hummed, sounding sleepy. 

"Hey. I miss you, how was your shift?" They murmured, and Ezra sighed deeply, putting his hand over his eyes. 

"Kind of crappy. I've been going up and down stairs all afternoon and I'm exhausted," he groaned, rubbing his eyes with his thumb and forefinger. "How was your appointment, magpie?" 

"It was fine," they said quietly, and Ezra could tell there was a lot they weren't saying. 

"Are you sure?" He asked gently, expecting them to brush him off as usual. 

"Um...I had to take viagra again," they admitted instead, and Ezra's eyes widened. He didn't really know how to react - he was worried about them and from their tone, they weren't happy, but at the same time, he was elated that they were starting to trust him enough to share more things with him. "I just...sorry, that was probably TMI.." 

"No, sweetheart, it was fine," Ezra said quickly, wanting to encourage their honesty and openness. "I um...I'm just not sure how to react, this...isn't really my world, y'know? I can tell that it's bothering you, but I don't...I don't really know why." 

"Neither do I, that's part of the problem," AJ sighed, sounding a bit more relaxed. "It makes me feel ashamed, but I don't really get why. Anyway, I'm...I'm okay, just a bit sad and lonely. I was wondering if I could come over, but if you're tired, then that's fine." 

"I think I might be a bit too tired," Ezra agreed reluctantly, shifting position so he could lay back on his pillows. "I'm sorry, sweetheart. But I can stay on the phone for a bit and I'll see you tomorrow for your appointment. I'll meet you at yours and we'll go together." 

"Okay, I'd like that," AJ murmured, but gave another soft little sigh. "But you should go to sleep. I'll be okay, I promise." 

"Are you sure?" 

"Absolutely," they soothed, then chuckled quietly. "Unless you want me to sing you to sleep," they added, their voice only half teasing. 

"Hmm, tempting," Ezra laughed, rolling over to get comfortable. "And you say _I'm_ the soppy one." 

"You are!" AJ protested, giggling, and Ezra just rolled his eyes happily, biting his lip. 

"Sure. I really should go, anyway. Get some sleep yourself, okay? I'm worried about you." 

"You're always worried about me." 

"Exactly. I love you," Ezra smiled, and AJ huffed sleepily, their own smile obvious in their voice. 

"I'll see you tomorrow, angel." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone!   
> I hope you enjoyed this chapter and the continuation of the fluff! They're getting there slowly!   
> I hope you're all doing well! ♡


	33. Chapter Thirty Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter includes: a non-emergency hospital visit; panic attacks; discussion of dysphoria, sex, trauma, negative self-talk, body image issues, and disordered eating behaviour; fluff.

AJ was bouncing their knee, glancing around the waiting room nervously. The hospital made them uncomfortable, and Ezra was still in the bathroom, leaving them alone in the room full of chairs. There were several other people, a lot of them staring at AJ, and they felt small and shrunken, trembling ever so slightly. The gazes weren’t all unkind - some seeming simply curious - and AJ was used to being stared at due to their unusual appearance, but they were already nervous, and it was all getting a bit too much. Thankfully, Ezra came back soon enough, sitting down beside them and stroking a hand over their bouncing knee. 

"Hey. You're alright, sweetheart," he soothed, and AJ managed to smile at him, although their hand was shaking as they grabbed at his. 

"I don't like hospitals," they mumbled, and he just nodded, wrapping his arm around their shoulders gently.

"I know, neither do I," Ezra murmured, squeezing their hand as they leaned into him, seeking out his warmth and the calming smell of his cologne. "But you'll be alright. It's just a big scanning machine, it's not going to hurt." 

AJ managed a small nod, looking up when a nurse walked into the room and stiffening slightly as he looked down at his clipboard. 

"Is there an Anthony here?" 

Ezra winced, but got up quickly, gently pulling AJ up beside him. Their heart pounded in their chest as they followed him unsteadily, already feeling more than a little panicky. The nurse seemed friendly, at least, giving Ezra some kind of instructions that AJ couldn't process. They were ushered into a small exam room with a folded gown on the bench, and left, the door clicking shut behind them. Ezra locked it and smiled at AJ worriedly. 

"You didn't get any of that, huh?" He murmured, and they shook their head, hugging themself tightly as he stepped forward and slowly pulled them into his chest. "I've got you, it's alright. Take some deep breaths for me," he encouraged softly, and AJ buried themself into him, closing their eyes and following his voice as he counted for them, guiding them until the shaking had stopped and AJ was finally relaxed against him. 

"There we go, good job," Ezra said quietly, but with a smile to his voice as he gently peeled AJ off him. "We need to take all your piercings out, okay? The MRI machine is basically one huge magnet, so metal piercings wouldn’t be fun," he chuckled, guiding them to sit up on the bench and putting a little metal tray in their lap. "I'll do this side, you do that one." 

AJ managed a small smile, still feeling a bit out of it, a bit distant from what was happening, but they managed to help Ezra, removing their piercings slowly and methodically, then lifting their shirt and tucking it under their chin to take out their nipple and belly button piercings. 

"All done?" Ezra smiled, and AJ blinked, shaking their head slowly as they felt the blush creeping onto their cheeks. 

"There's one more," they said very quietly, and Ezra blinked in shock, his lips parting for a moment. 

"Uh...where?" 

"Can you...turn around?" AJ mumbled, wincing at Ezra's expression of surprise and confusion. "I...it's in a...a private place," they added, and saw his expression change into one of deep contemplation just before he turned his back to them. Relieved, AJ kicked their boots off, then tugged their jeans off, almost losing their balance, but managing to catch themself despite the fuzzy feeling still growing, taking over more and more of their mind. 

Eventually, they pulled their underwear down and reached inside, carefully removing the last piercing and dropping it into the little dish before tugging their underwear back up hurriedly. 

"Um...I'm done," AJ announced in a small voice, their cheeks still on fire with embarrassment. But Ezra had clearly composed himself while facing away from them, and he turned with a soft smile, kissing their forehead and reaching for the gown. 

"Good, let's get you all covered, shall we?" He murmured, and AJ managed a tiny nod, shivering ever so slightly while he pulled the gown over their head. Once Ezra had let it fall down to their knees, AJ hugged themself tightly, swaying a bit and staring at the floor. 

Ezra simply sighed worriedly and tilted their head up, guiding them into a brief kiss, his lips soft and gentle. And then they were walking down the hall to the next room, AJ leaning into Ezra slightly. A nurse was waiting, AJ wasn't sure whether he was the same one from earlier or not, but he led them into the room, away from Ezra. The room itself was dominated by the hulking machine, and AJ couldn't stop staring at it as the nurse talked them through the procedure, his voice sounding muffled and odd thanks to their heavy, all-encompassing anxiety. Eventually, they were guided to sit on the bench, then lay back, the sliding stretcher-like bed pushed until their head was underneath the main donut-like shape of the machine. AJ could hear their heart pounding, but the nurse's voice was a bit clearer now, telling them that he was going to leave the room and it would only be a second. 

And then the machine began to thud, loud tapping sounds around their head, and AJ shuddered, the panic rising, a disembodied voice coming through the intercom to remind them to stay still. But their chest was heaving and they couldn't stop it, they couldn't stop panicking. They were enclosed in a tiny, loud space, and they  _ couldn't breathe.  _

AJ began to sob suddenly, everything welling up all at once, and the machine went quiet, the bed sliding back, and AJ scrambled up immediately, tears streaming down their cheeks as their chest heaved, unable to get a proper lungful of air. An unfamiliar hand touched their back, between their shoulders, and AJ lost it, screaming as they jerked away, their hands clutching the back of their head, fingernails digging into the skin under their hair, their body curling as they tried to protect themself. They could hear someone talking loudly, and then silence. 

"Hey, sweetheart," murmured a familiar voice, and AJ tensed as they heard footsteps coming towards them. "It's just me, it's Ezra, okay?" Ezra went on softly, the footsteps stopping in front of them, his hands slowly closing around their wrists. "Let go of yourself, sweetheart. You're gonna hurt yourself, and I can't let my little magpie get hurt now, can I?" 

AJ allowed their hands to be gently guided away from their head, their sobs beginning to lessen slightly, just as they felt those gentle hands moving to their shoulders. 

"Deep breaths, beautiful," Ezra murmured, and AJ managed to relax ever so slightly, still shaking as they squeezed their eyes shut against the tears. "Would a hug help?" 

AJ nodded emphatically and was immediately wrapped up in a gentle embrace, Ezra's arms strong and protective around them, his chin resting on the top of their head as they went limp against him, their whole body relaxing in utter relief. Ezra would take care of them, they didn't have to be hyper vigilant or scared, not with Ezra there. 

"Shhh, I know it's scary," he murmured, rocking them as they sniffled, mustering just enough energy to hug him loosely. "It's loud and such a tight space, but you can do it, okay? It's just for a few minutes." 

AJ nodded ever so slightly and Ezra let out a soft sigh, fingers spreading on their back. 

"Wait here for a minute, okay? I'll go and ask the nurse if I can stay with you," he announced softly, and AJ let go of him reluctantly, continuing to take deep breaths as he left the room. It took a lot of concentration, but they focused on the way their chest rose and fell, the feeling of their lungs inflating their rib cage, managing to calm down even more, their hands folded in their lap, relaxed and quiet. 

Ezra hurried back in after only a minute or two, flashing them a smile as he walked over and gently cupped their face in his hands, pressing a soft kiss to their forehead. 

"I can stay with you, but I have to go and get changed as well, okay? Just sit here for a couple minutes and I'll be right back." 

AJ nodded and he hesitated, looking at them worriedly. "Are you okay?" 

They sighed softly, shaking their head and looking down at their lap again as they swallowed. "Not really, I...I don't feel good at all. I'm not sure why, though, and I'll be okay." 

Ezra took a deep breath and stroked their cheeks with his thumbs slowly, crouching down to bring himself into their eye line. "Hey. Let's get this over with, yeah? And then we can go home and cuddle, I'll call a cab for the way home." 

AJ nodded and forced a small smile, thanking him softly and then gently pushing his hands away. He got up reluctantly and slipped out of the room, coming back several minutes later on crutches and wearing a hospital gown. AJ blinked in surprise and he chuckled as the nurse followed him into the room. 

"Can't have a metal leg in here," he chuckled, making his way over to the narrow bed. "Or jeans with a metal zipper." 

The nurse smiled and gently helped AJ lay back again, checking to make sure they were ready before pressing the button to slide the bed into place. Immediately, AJ felt Ezra's fingers in theirs as the nurse took his crutches and slipped out of the room. 

"It's alright, sweetheart," Ezra said softly, squeezing their hand tightly. "I won't let anything happen to you." 

AJ managed to relax this time, closing their eyes and imagining that they were laying on Ezra's bed, the whole of the room around them, as much space as they could possibly want. 

"It's starting now, try to stay relaxed, AJ," the nurse's voice came over the intercom inside the machine, and AJ took a slow, calming breath just as the thudding began again. Ezra's other hand began to stroke up and down the inside of their forearm, AJ's eyes squeezing shut with the effort of not moving when every cell in their body was screaming at them to scramble out of the machine.

"You're alright," came Ezra's soft voice as soon as the machine paused, and they took another slow breath, managing to keep calm up until they were allowed out of the machine. They jumped up hurriedly, adjusting their gown as the nurse handed Ezra the crutches and gently ushered them both back to the little changing room next door. 

As soon as the door was shut behind them, Ezra was leaning his crutches against the bench and pulling AJ into a tight hug. Sighing in relief, AJ buried their face in his neck, gripping onto him needily as they drew every little bit of comfort they could get. At the very least, it was all done - no more hospitals or machines or doctors - and they could finally go home and relax properly.

"Come on, let's get dressed," Ezra mumbled after a few long moments, and AJ simply nodded. 

When they got home at long last, AJ crawled straight into Ezra's bed, curling up and waiting patiently while he took his prosthesis off. Thankfully, they didn't have to wait long, and soon enough, he was rolling them onto their back with one playful hand, leaning over them, his lips brushing theirs. AJ slid their hand into his hair just as his fingers skimmed up under their sweater, brushing over their sensitive sides and making them shiver. 

"I'm...I'm sorry about panicking," they murmured quickly, before he could finally close the gap and kiss them. "I didn't mean to be so...dramatic," they went on shakily, and Ezra frowned, pulling away from them slightly. 

"What? Sweetheart, you weren't being dramatic, you were just scared, and that's totally normal," he protested, eyebrows knitted together. "I...why do you feel the need to apologise?" 

"I didn't mean to make a scene," AJ tried to explain shakily, but Ezra was already sitting back and gently pulling them up, gathering them into his arms. 

"Don't be silly, sweetheart. It wasn't a scene, and even if it was, it wouldn't have been your fault. The only thing I don't understand is why you weren't feeling good in the first place, but I'm not upset with you about any of it," he insisted as they leaned into him, pressing their face against the front of his shoulder and simply relishing his warmth. 

"I just...hospitals make me feel...weird," AJ admitted, turning their head just slightly so Ezra would be able to actually understand what they were saying. "I get anxious and start to dissociate really easily, I'm...I'm sorry, I-" 

"Not your fault," Ezra interrupted gently, running his plump fingers through their hair slowly. "I promise. I get upset in hospitals too, I understand. I'm just glad you're okay now and I get to cuddle you for a bit." 

"It better be longer than a bit," AJ threatened jokingly, warmth seeping through their chest, making them feel properly alive for the first time since they'd arrived at the hospital that morning. Ezra chuckled and let go of them, carefully disentangling himself so he could lay down on his side. AJ quickly dropped to the bed again and curled up against him, one arm sliding around his waist as he hugged them tightly.

"I have to go to the doctor's in about half an hour," he sighed, and AJ stiffened. 

"The doctor?" They asked quickly, pulling away so they could see Ezra's face. He just nodded, reaching up and brushing a lock of hair off their forehead. 

"I thought I'd told you," he murmured, smiling at them in a completely relaxed manner. "I'm going to talk to my GP about getting PrEP. And birth control," he added, and AJ's eyes widened. 

"You...you didn't tell me this, I.." they trailed off and Ezra let his hand come to rest on their cheek, his thumb stroking the skin under their eye. 

"It's alright," he soothed, smiling at them softly. "Take a deep breath. I'm not doing it so we can have sex right away or anything like that, okay? It takes at least a week to be effective, anyway, I just feel like we should be prepared, and if we get to that point, then we'll be ready to just...go with the flow." 

AJ let out a slow breath, managing to calm their instinctive panic and think more rationally. "I think it's a good idea, it'll remove a big anxiety trigger for me. I mean, it comes up outside of sex as well, y'know? Like if I cut my finger cooking, then.." they trailed off again and Ezra nodded, relaxing slightly and pulling them into a brief kiss. 

"Exactly. It'll just keep us a bit safer," he smiled, and AJ nodded, then bit their lip. 

"I have a home test kit I was going to use last week that I never got around to," they admitted quietly. "I'll um...I'll send that off tomorrow, just in case. I get tested for everything regularly, but it'll be nice to be a hundred percent sure." 

"That sounds good," Ezra murmured, kissing them again, this time lingering a bit, his hand on the small of their back, drawing them in closer to him. AJ smiled into it and cuddled up to him before breaking away and tucking their head up under his chin. 

"Do you need me to go with you? I can keep you company," they suggested softly, and Ezra picked up his phone, checking his texts quickly. 

"No, actually, I have to introduce you to someone first, and I think you should be staying put here and trying to relax," he said firmly, squeezing them lightly. "I'll take you over there in about ten minutes." 

"Is this another of your surprises?" AJ asked suspiciously, and Ezra snorted, running his hand up under their sweater again, tracing his fingertips up and down their spine. 

"Not exactly. It was Anathema's idea, really, but um...my landlady is really lovely, she's a trans woman and she used to work as a drag queen and sex worker when she was younger. She's been really kind to me and she gives great advice, and I was thinking it might be nice for you two to talk." 

"So you're pawning me off on your landlady so you don't have to talk to me?" AJ joked, and Ezra heaved an exaggerated sigh. 

"It's so hard to be nice to you sometimes. But, on a serious note, you don't have to talk to her if you don't want to, I just think you'd like her," he murmured, and AJ nodded slightly, stifling a yawn. 

"Mm, okay. I'll go, but you have to come with me to start with. And I wanna go now so I don't sit here getting all anxious about it," they announced, and he chuckled, gently starting to pull away from them. 

"Alright, come on, then. She lives just across the hall, I'll give you the spare key so you can get back in here when you're done talking, okay?" 

"What if I'm done talking before you leave?" AJ grinned, just to be difficult, and Ezra sat up, reaching for his prosthesis. 

"You won't be, trust me." 

AJ shifted from foot to foot nervously, and Ezra smiled, squeezing their hand just before knocking on the front door. The sound made AJ’s breath catch in their throat, their whole body going still as they tightened their grip on Ezra's hand anxiously. 

"It's alright, I promise she's super nice," he soothed, but the door was already opening. The woman standing on the other side wasn't quite what AJ had expected, a little shorter than they'd imagined, her hair long and tidy and white-blond. She was wearing what could only be described as a brightly coloured hippy dress, and her smile could have lit half the city. 

"Ezra! Look at this beauty you brought me!" She gasped, and AJ blushed immediately, not knowing where to look as she gestured for them to walk forward. "Come on, darlings, come in! I've got tea all ready for you." 

AJ shot Ezra a nervous look and he just smiled, leading them after Mrs. Tracy as she walked away, into the small dining room. The apartment had the same floor plan as Ezra's, so AJ found it fairly easy to navigate, although it was decorated  _ very  _ differently. 

Ezra's and Anathema's place was mainly full of books, old rugs, and muted colours - reflecting Anathema's tendencies to put 'witchy' things everywhere, and Ezra's habit of reading about a hundred books at a time and scattering them over every available surface. Mrs. Tracy's place was bright and in-your-face, and gave the impression that someone had read a book on how to decorate like someone's sweet old grandmother, but hadn't exactly hit the mark. The pin up art among the decorative plates and other crockery was a definite clue. 

Mrs. Tracy led them over to a table absolutely dripping with doilies and AJ sat down beside Ezra nervously, still not really sure what to make of the woman now sitting across from them. 

"It's AJ, isn't it?" She smiled, starting to pour out the tea. "Ezra has told me so much about you. It's lovely to meet you at last. I've seen you on stage, in fact, and Ezra's right, you're an incredibly talented dancer." 

AJ blinked, suddenly shocked. "You've...seen me on stage?" They echoed softly, and Mrs. Tracy flashed him a bright smile. 

"Of course. I like going around the old clubs, seeing who's dancing there these days. I used to be a headliner at your place many years ago, back when it was owned by...well, some criminal group or other, I believe." 

"Wait.." AJ said softly, sudden wonder washing over them. "You're...you're Madame Tracy?  _ The  _ Madame Tracy?" They asked incredulously, and she laughed, shaking her head slightly. 

"Not anymore, no. I'm retired now, but yes, I used to be," she answered casually, setting a teacup and saucer down in front of AJ. 

"But you're...I've seen your videos, you were one of the most famous drag artists in the whole country!" 

"And now I own a small block of flats and have the privilege of helping some wonderful young LGBT tenants like your lovely boyfriend here, yes," she chuckled, and Ezra smiled at her, thanking her softly as she handed him his cup. "The world turns and we get old eventually. Ezra never told me you were a fan." 

"Well, I didn't exactly know," Ezra pointed out with a smile, leaning over to press a kiss to the star-struck AJ's cheek. "I'd never really known much about drag before," he admitted, and Mrs. Tracy just smiled. 

"That's understandable. It's not everyone's...well, cup of tea," she smiled, her eyes fixing on AJ again. 

To cover their embarrassment and confusion, AJ took a drink from their mug, finding the tea to be rather too sweet and milky, but still nice enough. 

"I actually have to go," Ezra announced quietly, and AJ glanced at him desperately, not wanting to be left alone to this awkward silence, but he was already getting up, kissing them far too quickly. 

A few short goodbyes later and Ezra was gone, leaving AJ sitting quietly at the table, looking down at the pattern on the tablecloth. 

"I don't bite, dear," Mrs. Tracy smiled, and they looked up quickly, blushing again. 

"I...I'm sorry, I just...I'm shy," they admitted shakily, and she smiled soothingly, her eyes full of kindness and concern. 

"It's okay, I understand. How do you find your work, do you enjoy it?" She asked quietly, and AJ swallowed, looking down again and rubbing the bridge of their nose while they tried to figure out how honest to be. 

"Um. No. Not really, at least, not all of it. I do like dancing, and I don't mind cam shows that much, but I'm...I've been in this line of work for eight years, and I...I don't like having physical clients anymore," they murmured, to their own surprise. It was just so easy, with that gentle smile in front of them, to spill so much. She just seemed so understanding and so attentive, and there was the added comfort that she'd worked the same job - there were things they'd dealt with that Ezra would never understand, but Mrs. Tracy would. 

She nodded sympathetically and offered AJ a plate of biscuits, which they refused politely. "It gets tiring the longer you do it. Do you mind if I ask how old you are?" 

"Twenty four," AJ mumbled, and watched her expression as she did the math in her head. It barely flickered. 

"Eight years," Mrs. Tracy said quietly, distantly, then sighed. "It's no wonder you're starting to feel burnt out. Oh, Ezra told me you make all your own costumes," she went on, changing the subject deftly. 

"Yeah," AJ smiled, answering the unspoken question. "It takes me a while thanks to work eating up all my free time, but I enjoy it, it gives me time to relax and not think." 

"It's always good to have something like that," Mrs. Tracy nodded, and AJ suddenly dug into their pocket, tugging their phone out and going into an album marked 'Costumes' in their photos app. Then they offered their phone to Mrs. Tracy, smiling shyly as she took it and picked her glasses up from the beaded cord around her neck, balancing them on the end of her nose. 

"You made all of these?" She gasped, and AJ bit their lip, feeling the blush rising. 

"Yeah, the ones at the bottom are old and kind of bad, but um...I struggle finding stuff to fit me, and I find tucking on stage difficult, so it's just easier to make stuff for myself, y'know?" 

"Have you got a gaff*?" Mrs. Tracy asked, and AJ nodded, blushing darker all over again. 

"It doesn't keep in place well enough when I'm dancing. It's alright for everyday wear, but not for dancing. And um...I don't like taping, I...I get sensory issues from that kind of thing quite easily." 

Mrs. Tracy nodded, handing the phone back with a soft smile. "You could probably make quite a lot of money taking commissions," she pointed out. "Costumes for cosplayers, comfortable, well-fitted underwear and lingerie for trans women...with these skills and artistic sense of how to make clothes look good, you could start your own clothing line." 

AJ felt like they needed some ice packs for their face, but they just nodded slightly, taking the phone carefully. "Thank you, I've been thinking about it a lot lately," they admitted, and she smiled, nodding slightly. 

"It would make sense for you to give it a try. If you feel that you need to take a step back from taking clients. You know," she added with a smile, tilting her head to the side. "When you two were first...courting, I suppose, Ezra came to me all worried about dating someone in the profession. How have things been?"

Relaxing slightly, AJ smiled. This wasn't entirely about them anymore, which made things at least a touch easier. "Really good," they answered sincerely. "We've had some um...rough bits, but he...he took me to the hospital even though driving terrifies him, and he's been so good at taking care of me. He's just so sweet and kind and I...I really care for him." 

"You love him," Mrs. Tracy answered bluntly, and AJ swallowed, nodding as they fiddled with their teacup, not daring to meet her gaze. 

"Yeah. He means the world to me," they said softly, closing their eyes for a moment, then taking a deep breath. "I have this client," they began slowly, not entirely sure why they were opening up, but unable to stop the words spilling out into the quiet little room, with that gentle, knowing gaze fixed on them. "I've...I've known him since-" AJ choked on the words and settled for something a bit more palatable. "Since before I started sex work. Um...he doesn't want me dating," they mumbled, slowly hugging themself, their fingertips pressing into their skin, grounding themself. "He got really angry when he found out I was with Ezra a-and he forced me to say I didn't love him, a-and-" AJ gulped again, struggling with the words, tears threatening to overflow, gathering in their eyes. 

"And now you can't say you do?" Mrs. Tracy asked softly, and AJ shook their head, then buried their face in their hands, trying their best to breathe. 

Mrs. Tracy got up hurriedly, walking over to them and gently squeezing their shoulders. "Come on, dear. How about we go sit on my sofa? It'll be much more comfortable and I have tissues in the living room," she murmured, and AJ managed a nod, getting up unsteadily and allowing themself to be led. 

They followed Mrs. Tracy to the living room, sinking down onto the couch gratefully, still struggling to keep their breathing even as Mrs. Tracy picked up a box of tissues from a nearby side table and sat down beside AJ slowly, handing them the box. 

"Can you say it to me?" She asked gently, and AJ swallowed, pulling a tissue from the box in preparation. 

"I love him," they murmured, their eyes widening, a small smile tugging at their lips as the tears stung and rolled down their cheeks. It was the first time they'd said it out loud, and it felt like such a relief to have the words out there, having been spoken at last. They dried their eyes quickly and Mrs. Tracy reached out, rubbing between their shoulders lightly.

"That's a step in the right direction," she pointed out softly, and AJ managed a shaky smile, nodding slightly. 

"I really do love him," they added quietly, their voice a little rough with emotion. "He tries his best all the time, he's been helping me with eating more, he's really respectful of my identity, he's really good about my status...he's just...he's my angel," AJ smiled shyly, finding, to their surprise, that they absolutely loved having the chance to gush to someone about how perfect Ezra was. 

"Your status?" Mrs. Tracy asked gently, and AJ nodded, looking down at their hands. 

"I'm HIV positive," they mumbled awkwardly. "I had a client lie to me a-and...y'know.." they sighed, and Mrs. Tracy nodded, still rubbing their back slowly. 

"I understand. It's not your fault, and I'm very glad Ezra is sweet about it. Is he getting medication?" 

"That's why he's going to the doctor today," AJ nodded, taking a few deep breaths and smiling at their host. 

"Good. How is the sex, anyway?" She asked bluntly, and AJ looked up at her in shock. "I mean, adjusting to having a romantic partner can be difficult," she smiled, her eyes betraying a teasing glint. 

AJ swallowed and went back to fiddling with their tissue, trying to decide how to answer this. On the one hand, the idea of talking about their sex life to someone who was almost a complete stranger felt very, very weird, but on the other...well, AJ was in desperate need of advice, and if anyone was going to be able to understand what they were going through, it was Mrs. Tracy. 

"We haven't had sex," they admitted shakily. "I...I really want to, he's really attractive a-and I...I love him, but we...we can't," they sighed heavily, struggling to put words to what they wanted to say. "I dissociate a lot when I'm working. I just go somewhere else so I don't have to think about...about working. And with Ezra, if I'm not careful, I'll do the same thing, or sometimes I'll panic when he touches me. It's been really frustrating me lately. I...I realised I love him when he was with me in the hospital, and now, even though I know, I still-" they gulped again, their voice rising, emotion welling up to choke them from the inside. "I still can't give him everything!" 

Mrs. Tracy sighed and shifted a little closer to them. "Would you like a hug?" 

AJ nodded ever so slightly, and found themself wrapped up in strong, perfume-scented arms, their cheek pressed against that soft dress, their eyes slipping closed as the tears spilled over again. Mrs. Tracy squeezed them gently, rocking them ever so slightly. 

"Shh, it's alright. Auntie Tracy will make it better," she murmured, stroking their hair slowly, and AJ felt their breathing hitch, a fresh round of tears following the first. "First of all, my dear, you need to stop thinking of it as a gift or commodity you're giving him. What it is is an act of love you both are sharing. Okay? You need to separate work from Ezra. You're not working for him, you're in a relationship with him. Does he check in with you?" 

AJ nodded shakily, gently pulling away from the embrace to dry their eyes again. "He told me about the traffic light system, and he has me use that as well as asking before he tries new things." 

"Good, that's a good start," Mrs. Tracy smiled, her voice soft and soothing. "Is he helpful when you panic?" 

"He does his best, yeah. It's not always easy to deal with," AJ admitted, and she gave them a sympathetic look. 

"Trauma never is, I suppose. AJ, I'm coming to the conclusion here that what you need most is to take the pressure off yourself. I know it seems urgent, but you and Ezra haven't been together that long. Putting so much pressure on yourself to say you love him and to have sex with him is counterproductive. It'll just make your anxiety around those things worse and make it more likely that you'll panic, does that make sense?" She asked, and AJ nodded shakily, swallowing hard. "There's no rush for anything, okay? And with the telling him you love him, practice. It sounds silly, but write it down, tell him when he's asleep, tell other people. The more you say it, the less it'll feel bound to this client and the easier it'll be. Ezra is a sweet person, he's very patient and kind. I'm sure he's not in any rush." 

AJ sighed and shifted position slightly, glancing at Mrs. Tracy. "Do you...um...do you have any advice for the actual...sex bit?" They asked hesitantly, wishing they had something to hide the colour of their cheeks. 

Mrs. Tracy chuckled. "I'm sure I can come up with something. How far have you gotten?" 

"He's um...touched me without underwear," AJ mumbled, staring down at their lap, refusing to look anywhere else. "Until...until I got hard and asked him to stop." 

"Good, you asked him to stop, that's great," Mrs. Tracy praised quietly, her hand resting on AJ's knee and rubbing gently. "How did it feel while he was touching you?"

"I...I felt okay," AJ nodded shakily. "It felt nice and I...I enjoyed it, I was fully present, I just...couldn't go further. I knew I was going to panic." 

"Setting boundaries and knowing your limits is half the battle," Mrs. Tracy smiled, squeezing AJ's knee lightly. "To keep yourself grounded, counting things is always helpful. Count the different types of things in the room, things you can see. Again, don't rush, it's not a race, and taking breaks can be really helpful, especially if you take them and have some nice romantic touching, remind yourself that this is your partner, not a client." 

AJ nodded again, feeling as if they should be taking notes as Mrs. Tracy went on quietly. 

"And be honest with him about why you're struggling and what you need from him. Maybe having him remind you that he loves you would be helpful, or just hearing his voice in general. You're at your most vulnerable, it's normal to need some comfort and encouragement, okay? And be sure that you're ready. It might be that you feel you should be ready more than you actually are." 

Smiling, AJ let out a slow breath, finally looking up at Mrs. Tracy shyly. "That's one thing I'm sure about," they murmured. "I really do want to have sex with him. He's...he's everything I never knew I wanted, and we keep getting so close, y'know? I know I want it." 

Mrs. Tracy smiled back and gently took their hand, giving it a comforting squeeze. "Good, I'm very glad. How are things going with your health?" 

AJ let out a soft sigh, relaxing a bit and nodding. "I feel so much stronger lately. I'm spending lots of time with Ezra, which makes me feel happy and gives me more energy. And he's been helping me with eating, like I said. I um...I don't like eating, I have trouble with it," they admitted, and Mrs. Tracy squeezed their hand again lightly. 

"That's very common in this profession." 

AJ looked down and sighed heavily, the tears pricking at their eyes again. "I still...I still feel like a-a worthless whore most of the time," they mumbled, trying to swallow the lump in their throat and failing. "I don't...I don't always know why Ezra cares about me, I feel fat and ugly a lot...I just...I c-can't help it," they whimpered, and found themself wrapped up in another tight hug, their own arms slipping around her reflexively as the tears spilled yet again, streaming down their cheeks silently as they tried to push away the voices clamouring in the back of their mind, telling them just how disgusting they were. 

"I know, my dear," Mrs. Tracy soothed sympathetically, stroking AJ's hair slowly. "I know. It's so hard to get rid of all those things people have said to you. My advice is to be honest with Ezra about those things. Tell him you still feel like that. He might think it's better because you're with him now, but he needs to know these thoughts didn't just magically disappear. I'm sure he'll be willing to help you with them. And start focusing on the things that you enjoy, start trying to build a proper sense of who you are outside of work. It's not easy to do, especially since you started so young and you've been in it for so long, but it'll help. And you don't want to end up relying on Ezra for a sense of self either. Does that make sense?" 

AJ nodded shakily, ignoring the tears still rolling down their cheeks. They felt as if another weight had been lifted from their chest, this one massive and dense as lead. They'd finally talked to someone about so many of the things they'd been struggling with, and it felt so, so good. 

By the time AJ had finished talking to Mrs. Tracy and gotten through a decent portion of her tissues, Ezra had just sent a text to say he was nearly home, so they walked into his bedroom and changed into a pair of sweats from their bag. They slipped their jumper off and decided to leave it off, humming to themself as they crawled into bed and curled up. They wanted to be cuddled and held more than anything, so they tried to make themself look inciting, pulling the sheets down away from their chest, arranging their hair so it didn't hide their face.

The door clicked down the hall and they smiled to themself, closing their eyes as they heard quiet footsteps. 

"Magpie?" 

The soft voice was accompanied by the creak of the bedroom door, and AJ opened their eyes to see Ezra standing in the doorway, a happy, loving smile on his face. 

"Hey," he murmured, walking into the room and shutting the door behind him before going over to sit on the edge of the bed.

"Hey yourself. How did it go?" 

Ezra held up a prescription bag to show them, then tossed it onto the bedside table. "PrEP and birth control, I'll start taking it tonight," he announced, then started to unbuckle his belt, reaching for his usual pair of shorts. "How was Mrs. Tracy?" 

"We talked for about two hours," AJ admitted quietly, reaching out to stroke down his back while he wriggled his jeans off. "It was really nice, actually. She gave me a lot of good advice." 

"About what kind of stuff?" Ezra asked, standing up to pull his shorts on before taking his prosthesis off carefully, methodically. 

"Um...all kinds of stuff, really," AJ murmured, feeling the blush rising already. "Work, stuff with you. Um...sex." 

Ezra looked around in surprise, a slight smile tugging at his lips. "You talked to her about sex?" 

"Yeah, she was actually really helpful," AJ said defensively, grabbing at Ezra's shirt and pulling him down to lay with them. He chuckled and carefully slipped under the blankets with them, pressing a soft, slow kiss to their lips. 

"What advice did she have?" He hummed, and AJ reached up, playing with his hair gently. 

"Well...she told me to tell you about the negative thoughts I still have," they began slowly, and Ezra nodded, his hand going to their side and rubbing up and down their bare skin gently, soothingly. "I um...I still feel...bad about myself a lot," AJ admitted nervously. "I feel fat and ugly a lot a-and worthless. Like a slut, y'know? A-and a freak.." 

Ezra sighed heavily and gently drew them closer, cradling the back of their head as they buried their face in his neck. "You're not any of those things, sweetheart. I know it's very difficult to change ingrained patterns of thinking, but Mrs. Tracy is right. You need to tell me when you feel like this so I can help. You're beautiful, okay? And such a sweet, kind, caring person. You're absolutely wonderful to be around, and your job doesn't make you a bad person, I promise." 

AJ nuzzled closer to him, willing themself not to start crying again at the sound of that soft, loving voice, so certain and definite. 

"I love you," Ezra added quietly, squeezing them again, fingers spreading on their back. 

Sniffling, AJ reminded themself to be patient, that it was okay they couldn't say it yet. They would practice, they'd be able to say it. They promised themself that they would. 

"I know I'm ready for sex," they announced instead, blushing, but ignoring it. "Not right this second, just...in general. I want us to share that together. But...it's still difficult. Mrs. Tracy gave me some ideas to help me cope when I get upset or panicky, and she said we should try taking a lot of breaks, but I...I'm ready, I just want you to know that." 

Ezra let out a soft little sigh and squeezed them tighter, his touch as gentle and loving as ever. "Thank you for telling me. I'm glad, I'm ready too, and I really, really want to make you feel good. But I'm in no rush." 

"Me neither," AJ smiled, and felt the warmth in their chest, the now familiar happy feeling of being loved and cared for spreading through them as they cuddled up to him, rehearsing the words in their head. 

_ I love you. _

*gaff - a special type of underwear worn by AMAB trans people to keep their genitals tucked back safely and give them a smoothed out look in front

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone!  
> Sorry it's a bit late again, but I hope you enjoyed this, I really like this chapter because it's the first time AJ really gets that safe space to talk about anything they like without any restrictions.  
> Anyway, let me know what you all thought, I love reading your comments as always!  
> ♡♡♡


	34. Chapter Thirty Four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter includes panic; discussion of homophobic/transphobic family, homelessness, past underage rape, and past financial abuse; suggestive content; brief, positive mention of weight gain.

Ezra had spent most of his weekend in bed with AJ, cuddling with them and watching TV. They'd taken another bath together and made a few more meals together, and Ezra felt as if he'd spent an entire weekend in paradise.

On Monday, however, he'd had to go back to uni and his internship - back to early mornings and late evenings - so AJ had gone home Sunday night, promising to text him throughout the day to let him know they were doing okay. A little while after Ezra had gotten home and was watching TV to relax and rest his leg, however, his phone rang. 

"Hey, sweetheart, you okay?" He said brightly, and heard a shaky sob from the other end of the line. 

"N-no!" AJ choked out, and Ezra sat up hurriedly, frowning as he leaned back against the headboard. 

"Can you tell me what's going on?" 

"I h-had a fight with Bea," they whimpered softly, and Ezra relaxed, his shoulders dropping in relief at the knowledge that they weren't in physical danger, at the very least. "I-I'm sitting outside, I...I c-can't deal with it," they admitted, choking back another sob, and Ezra sighed, nodding slightly. 

"Alright, my beautiful little bird, it's time for some deep breaths," he soothed, keeping his voice as even and calm as possible. "You're going to breathe nice and deep for me, and then you're going to go and pack yourself a bag and come spend the night here, okay? So start now, deep breath in, that's it," he murmured, guiding them through their panic until they were no longer sobbing, only sniffling softly. 

"I-I'm sorry, I don't have to come over if-" 

"No, you're coming here," Ezra cut in gently, letting out a soft breath. "I'm worried about you and I think you need to rest and get some proper sleep," he went on, keeping his voice firm, but still loving and caring rather than sharp. 

"Th-thank you," AJ mumbled shakily, and Ezra bit his lip lightly as he heard rustling in the background of the phone call. 

"How long do you think you'll be, sweetheart?" 

"About ten minutes," they answered, and he nodded to himself. 

"Alright. I'll see you in ten, okay?" 

"Okay." 

The line disconnected and Ezra sighed, closing his laptop. After a moment of just staring at nothing, he set it aside before grabbing his crutches and hauling himself up to tidy up the small amount of clutter that had accumulated since AJ had left the night before. 

By the time the buzzer went, Ezra had just sat down again, so he reached for his crutches, dragging himself up just as he heard the intercom buzz in response, and the front door opening. Anathema had been in the kitchen and had gotten to the door first, her friendly voice carrying down the hallway. 

"Hey! Ezra didn't say you were coming over," she greeted AJ, just as Ezra flung his door open and hurried into the hall. AJ was taking their shoes off, looking a little embarrassed and still tearful, a wobbly smile on their lips as they spotted Ezra. 

"Are you alright?" Anathema asked gently, and Ezra interceded quickly, saving his already stressed partner from having to answer. 

"They're not having a great day," he told her quietly, gesturing for AJ to follow him back to his room. They flashed Anathema a shy, tired smile, and she sighed, giving Ezra a worried look. 

"I'll make you two some tea," she announced, and Ezra didn't argue, knowing she was trying to be helpful. Instead, he just smiled at her wanly and ushered AJ to his room, where they immediately collapsed onto his bed, burying their face in their hands. He sank down beside them more slowly, then scooted closer to them until the outsides of their thighs were touching, his arm wrapping around their shoulders. 

"What happened, sweetheart?" Ezra asked softly, stroking their hair back from their face as they dropped their hands to their lap, their gaze following, eyes brimming over with tears. 

"She kept asking me about...about not working. She was really like...interrogating me about how I was going to pay rent and bills and all that stuff. A-and I just panicked, I've been worrying about it a lot, and I...I couldn't handle her asking and getting belligerent with me," they mumbled, wiping the tears away hurriedly as they fell. "I'll be okay, I'm just...really overwhelmed at the moment...kind of scared." 

"I understand, sweetheart," Ezra sighed, leaning over to kiss their cheek lightly. "I know this is a really up in the air and scary time for you, but you only have another week off, and if you really get that strapped for cash, I'm always here to help, okay?" 

AJ turned to him, mouth open to protest, but Ezra silenced them with a firm look. 

"Just a loan, that's all," he added quickly, and AJ relaxed slightly, but still didn't look all that happy. "A nice, no interest loan to help you heal in peace, yeah?" 

Reluctantly, AJ nodded, just as there was a soft knock on the door. 

"Come in," Ezra called, and AJ leaned into him heavily, their head falling onto his shoulder as Anathema opened the door and slipped in, carrying two mugs in one hand. 

"Here you go," she said brightly, handing one to each of them and stepping back a little awkwardly. AJ looked up, blushing, and thanked her softly. 

"I...I'm sorry about earlier, I um...I had a fight with my flatmate and Ezra invited me. I hope that's okay. I'm sorry for being upset and everything," they mumbled, and Anathema frowned, shaking her head slightly. 

"Don't apologise for being upset, it's perfectly understandable. And you're welcome here anytime, okay? I like having you here, it keeps Ezra out of trouble," she joked, and AJ cracked a smile, shooting Ezra a teasing look. 

"What? He gets less paper cuts when I'm around?" They grinned, slowly relaxing even more, and Ezra just rolled his eyes, making Anathema laugh. 

"Yeah, it's nice to see him doing something other than work or reading," she chuckled, then headed to the bedroom door and opened it quickly. "Let me know if you need anything." 

"Thanks," they both said quietly, and then the door was shut and AJ was staring down into their mug, their expression unreadable, but heartbreaking. 

"It's going to be alright," Ezra murmured hesitantly, and AJ just shrugged, taking a long sip from their mug. Ezra set his own aside and leaned forward, pressing a soft kiss to his partner's cheek. "What's wrong? It seems like there's more going on here than anxiety about money," he pointed out gently, and AJ looked away from him for a few long seconds, their jaw tight. They handed their mug to him and he set it aside as well, watching them to see if they seemed ready to speak. 

Then they finally shook their head and gave a quiet sigh. "I just...I really hate living with Bea sometimes. She's super messy, never does any cleaning, but if I leave a dish by the sink for like a day, she yells at me. She's always so loud, she plays music all the time and is really loud with her partner. I just...I hate them, too. They're super fucking rude to me and I'm sick of it!" AJ went on, their voice rising as they spoke, getting more and more agitated over time. Ezra could tell something was wrong, he could tell that this wasn't all about AJ's frustrations with their roommate or their fight with her. Something was underlying all this, fuelling it, but Ezra didn't quite know how to ask. 

"Why don't you think about trying to get somewhere else?" He asked gently, instead, and AJ glanced at him, their expression still full of anger. 

"I get paid in cash, I have next to no credit history, I can't give the details of my employment...I'm not exactly a model fucking tenant, am I?" They pointed out snappily, and Ezra swallowed a sudden flash of frustration. "It's my stupid fucking job again, I can't-...it's backed me into a fucking corner and I'm trapped in this stupid apartment with that awful woman and her rude, disgusting partner!" 

Ezra winced, knowing he had to comfort them, but not really knowing how, against all of this. "I'm sure you're not trapped, sweetheart, I'm sure if we work hard enough, we can find a solution," he said quietly, and immediately knew he hadn't exactly worded it well. 

"And I could do without you being a condescending fucking prick, actually!" AJ snarled in response, leaning away slightly to glare at him. "You barely know anything about me, you don't even know how I ended up in this fucking job to start with, you have no right to criticise me and tell me I haven't fucking tried!" 

Ezra recoiled from their fury in shock, blinking at them and briefly wondering if he was going to get slapped again. His own anger rose up, defensive and hurt, but he wrestled it back down, shoving his temper away to focus on calming AJ. 

"Hey, hey, that's not what I meant," he cut in gently, holding his hands up in a gesture of peace. "I'm sorry, I worded that really badly, I didn't mean it to sound so condescending," he soothed, even trying a slightly shaky smile. "I just meant to say that we can work it out. And...and I want to know, AJ. I want to know about you, I love you and I just...I didn't want to ask about these things because I never wanted to upset you. I don't want you to feel obliged to revisit traumatic things for me." 

AJ looked down at their lap, their expression going still, their whole body deflating slightly, like a dog's hackles flattening. 

Ezra tentatively reached over and tried to take their hand, but AJ jerked away quickly, and he sighed, returning it to his lap. He stared at nothing for a moment or two, then sighed again and broke the heavy silence. "Look, I...I'm here for you, okay? Whatever you need. If you need me to leave you alone or you need me to change the subject and cuddle you while we watch TV or you need me to listen to you while you tell me what happened...I'm happy to do what you need, alright? And I'll support you with whatever that is." 

"I...it's hard to talk about," AJ said shortly, and Ezra just nodded, taking a deep, slow breath to help him stay calm. 

"I understand. It's perfectly fine if you can't talk about it, or you can't manage to get all the way through or...or anything, really. It's okay," he assured them quietly, and AJ gave the tiniest of nods, still not looking at him. 

They sat for a moment in silence, their eyes shut, their hands folded in their lap, their fingers laced as they squeezed their hands with their fingers, their knuckles going white. "Um...my...my parents kicked me out," they admitted at last, their voice thick, their eyes fluttering open to let tears spill down their cheeks. "O-on my sixteenth birthday, they found me dressing up in a dress a-and heels and makeup and everything...I tried to explain, but they...they called me an abomination," AJ whispered, their hands shaking now, the tears falling faster. 

Ezra couldn't help it, he couldn't keep the anger down any longer, and it exploded, fury at AJ's parents, their whole family, the society that allowed such disgusting transphobia. "I can't fucking-...Jesus  _ fucking Christ!"  _ He swore, his jaw clenching so tightly it hurt, his fingers curling, his nails biting into his palms. "I can't fucking believe that," he snarled, and AJ flinched away from him, then suddenly lifted their head and glared at him again. 

"I  _ know _ I should have fucking locked the door, I just didn't think of it, okay?" They snapped, and the anger drained away all in one go, leaving Ezra feeling empty and shaky. 

"No, I...I'm sorry, AJ, I'm not angry with you," he said quickly, forcing a smile and leaning in to try and hug them. AJ put their hand up immediately, trembling as they pushed him away, and Ezra jerked back hurriedly, apologising again, even as anger and fear and self-loathing all burst in his chest. 

"I can't be touched right now," AJ said flatly, all emotion gone from their voice, golden eyes washed-out and hopeless as they settled on him. 

Ezra winced internally, but just nodded, swallowing hard as AJ looked down again, wiping their cheeks in a futile attempt at keeping them dry for more than a second or two. 

"I um...I didn't have anywhere to go," they went on shakily, still crying as they trembled slightly, wringing their hands in their lap once again. "I slept on the street f-for six months," they mumbled, slowly drawing their knees into their chest and hugging them, squeezing them tightly. "A-and then-" they tried, gulping the rest of the sentence down, the tears cascading as they squeezed their eyes shut. Ezra reached behind him and picked up a stuffed teddy bear he kept on his bed - it had been a gift from Anathema when he'd been in hospital after his car accident - and offered it to AJ. It was just the right size and softness to be perfectly huggable, and to Ezra's relief, AJ took it shakily, dropping their legs back to the ground and hugging the bear tightly, burying their face in its fuzz. 

Ezra just sat patiently, not sure what to do or how to help - his expertise was in hugs and physical comfort, not so much in knowing the right thing to say at the right moment, and particularly after his earlier cock-up, he didn't think it was a good idea to try. 

After a few more long seconds, however, AJ lifted their head again and squeezed the bear as tight as they could, staring down at the floor as more tears queued up to be the first down their cheeks. "Th-this guy came up to me when it was r-really cold a-and said he could give me food and shelter...and I knew it was a bad idea, but I...it was going to snow and I only had one blanket, so I...I went with him," they went on shakily, rocking themself ever so slightly now, the tears gathering on their chin and dripping off. Their fingers curled around the bear, knuckles going white, and Ezra felt nothing but anguish, AJ's pain ripping a hole in his heart as he watched them shake and cry. 

"He took me to this apartment a-and took care of me for a couple days, a-and then...then he...he told me if I was going to stay with him, I h-had to have sex with him," they choked out, and the anger was back, tearing though Ezra, his fingers curling, his hands shaking. 

"He raped you?" He said quietly, his voice strained, his own vision starting to blur. He blinked the tears away viciously and AJ looked up, surprise in their soft golden eyes. 

"I...I mean-" they began shakily, then sniffed and nodded, looking down as their cheeks flushed in shame. "Yeah...I...it was always easier for me to...to think of it as my fault," they admitted softly, and Ezra knew that if he ever found the man who'd done this, he was going to be shown just what the word  _ suffering _ meant. 

"He became my pimp," AJ added quietly, before Ezra could figure out what to say. "It...it wasn't so bad at first, y'know? It was better than being on the streets, and he didn't really...he didn't treat me badly. But eventually, it was just...he started taking more of my money, and um...it got...not so good," they mumbled, trying to wipe their cheeks again and really just spreading the tears around. "Michael helped me get away from him not long after I turned eighteen, and set me up to live with Bea. I thought I was finally independent and able to do stuff my own way, but I feel as trapped now as I did...back then," they finished shakily, still looking down, the bear pressed to their chest in a death grip. 

Ezra looked at the floor for a while as well, trying to rein in the seething anger, to breathe through his complete and utter hatred of the man who'd laid his hands on Ezra's beautiful little bird, his gripping, cold loathing of AJ's parents. He could quite happily have wiped out the entire lot of them, the family who'd left them to die, the man who'd raped them and forced them into a job they hated. It took quite a few deep, measured breaths before he felt like he'd gotten enough of a grip on himself to talk, let alone be comforting. 

He let out a slow sigh and closed his eyes for a moment before looking at AJ, at their exquisite jaw, their beautiful eyes, their stunning hair, and those soft, perfect lips. His heart ached, but he just folded his hands in his lap and leaned towards them ever so slightly. 

"It doesn't change my opinion of you at all, I promise," Ezra began shakily, wanting nothing more than to wrap his partner up in his arms and kiss them until they felt better. "None of it was your fault, I promise. I do want to murder your entire family, though."

AJ managed a tiny smile, looking up at him with soft affection in their gaze, along with the deep, terrible sadness of having to recount their trauma. "Me too," they murmured, and Ezra smiled sadly, wishing he could touch them as a tear ran down their cheek, dripping off their chin once more. 

"I'll help you, okay? We'll figure this out together, I promise," he soothed, offering them his hand. This time, they took it eagerly, giving it a gentle squeeze while still holding the bear with their other arm. "I want you to be happy more than anything, sweetheart," he smiled, rubbing his thumb over their knuckles and relaxing somewhat now that he was allowed to touch them again. "If the worst comes to the worst, you could come and live here," Ezra pointed out softly, his heart leaping when AJ smiled slightly at the thought. "Or if that's too fast for you, I'm sure Mrs. Tracy would help you find a place. She's the one who got me the job at your club, and she loves helping young LGBT people."

AJ nodded, managing another smile as they looked up at Ezra. "I...I'd like to stop taking private clients permanently, and...and just do the dancing and cam shows; the bits I like," they admitted quietly, and Ezra nodded, reaching out and hesitating to make sure AJ wouldn't mind before cupping their cheek in his spare hand. 

"I'll help you make it work, I promise," he murmured, desperately wanting to kiss them, but holding back for now. 

"My guardian angel," AJ joked softly, their eyes brimming over with tears once again, but Ezra could tell by the way they were smiling that the tears were motivated by joy this time. 

"If you say so," he chuckled, and AJ nodded, leaning forward to pull him into a brief, salty kiss, their lips lingering as they pulled away slowly. 

"Are you going to smite my family? The trans bisexual angel bringing down his righteous wrath against sinners," they giggled, and Ezra snorted. 

"Lol," he said, and AJ jerked away from him, eyes wide. 

"Lol? Out loud? How fucking old are you? That's like a grandma thing to say!" They laughed, tears completely forgotten, their voice clear and happy, the mood utterly changed. Ezra tried to seem defensive, but in the privacy of his own mind, he was doing a triumphant little dance. He'd known this would make AJ laugh like nothing else, and he'd wanted to hear them laugh, he'd known they needed it. 

"I'm younger than you!" He protested, and AJ grinned, pulling him into another kiss, then another and another, soft, brief little pecks turning into longer and longer kisses until the bear was nowhere to be found and AJ was pushing Ezra back down to the bed, fingers tangled in his hair and pressing against his cheek. 

Ezra accepted it all, following AJ's lead, up until they moved to straddle him, at which point he tensed, about to tell them he didn't think they should be avoiding their feelings with sex, but AJ beat him to it. They broke the kiss and laid down on top of him, their head resting on his chest, their knees on either side of his hips. He chuckled softly, a little relieved, and hugged them gently, giving a little squeeze. 

"This doesn't seem comfortable, sweetheart. How about a proper cuddle?" 

AJ nodded and slid off him lazily, so Ezra quickly moved around to lay under the covers, AJ beside him before he could even get properly settled. They cuddled up to him immediately, sighing as he wrapped an arm around them, welcoming them into his embrace. 

"Better?" He murmured, and AJ nodded, sniffling a bit as their own arm slipped around Ezra's waist. 

"Still feeling a bit...down," they admitted quietly, and Ezra nodded, pulling the blanket up over their shoulder and then slipping his hand under their shirt to rest it on the small of their back. 

"I understand. It's normal, I think, to feel drained and upset after all that. But I'm here if you want to talk or just cuddle, okay?" 

AJ nodded and went quiet for a while, shifting occasionally, just getting comfortable curled up in Ezra's grasp. After a while, though, they shifted ever so slightly and finally broke the silence. "Can we go out tomorrow?" They mumbled sleepily, and Ezra sighed, stroking their hair lightly, his touch carefully gentle. 

"Sorry, sweetheart, but I need to go to class tomorrow. I'm in lectures from ten until twelve, and then my internship from one to six." 

AJ groaned softly, their voice a little muffled by Ezra's chest. "I wanna spend time with you.." 

"I know, I'm sorry," he murmured, squeezing them lightly. "But I'll be here in the evening and I can call you at lunch." 

"Mm, okay. M'tired," they grumbled in response. 

"It's all that crying," Ezra teased gently, and AJ just huffed a breath, their fingers digging into his back briefly before relaxing. "Get some sleep, sweetheart. I'm right here with you."

To Ezra's surprise, AJ followed his suggestion easily, and was asleep within minutes, clearly tired out by their intense anxiety, and getting better at sleeping in Ezra's bed. Once they were out cold, Ezra finished up some more work and then curled up with his partner, stroking their cheek as they slept peacefully until he dropped off himself, soothed by their slow, easy breathing.

* * *

The next morning, Ezra woke up well before AJ and got dressed, then made himself some breakfast and ate it in the kitchen so as not to disturb them. By the time he had to leave for class, they were still fast asleep, so he wrote them a quick note to remind them where he was and walked out of the apartment, making sure the spare key was on the hook in case AJ needed it. 

It was difficult to concentrate on his classes that day, thanks to the revelations of the night before. Ezra found that his mind kept wandering to thoughts of sixteen year old AJ, frightened and cold and alone. He absolutely hated the thought, it made him feel sick to his stomach to think that someone would take advantage of them when they were just a child. 

In fact, by the time he called AJ on his lunch break, he'd been thinking about it so much that it was just a relief to hear their voice and be reminded that they were okay and safe. 

"Hey," AJ mumbled, and Ezra smiled to himself, leaning back in his chair slightly. 

"Hey, sweetheart. Are you feeling better today?" 

"A bit, yeah," they sighed softly, and Ezra heard his bed creak in the background. "How was class?" 

"Yeah, good," he answered brightly, looking down at his sandwich and fiddling with the crust. "I miss you." 

"Me too, I'm really,  _ really _ bored," AJ whined, and Ezra snorted, shaking his head slightly. 

"I have plenty of books, magpie," he grinned, and AJ just huffed a breath. 

"You'd better get home soon, or I'll pass away. I'll just rot away from boredom and die in your bed and it'll be your fault." 

"I think that's a touch dramatic," Ezra smiled, enjoying the theatrics of AJ's tone. They would have made a good theatrical actor, he had to admit. They'd be particularly good at the over-the-top acting required for musicals, that was for sure. "I'll be home around six thirty." 

"That's...six hours from now," AJ whimpered, their tone only half joking, and Ezra rolled his eyes fondly. 

"Read a book, take a nap, go for a walk. What do you normally do in the day?" 

"Sewing," AJ answered promptly, and Ezra grinned, shaking his head slightly. 

"You're infuriating, sweetheart," he teased, trying to imagine giving them a hug, remembering the way their hair always tickled his nose, the smell of their perfume and laundry detergent, the feel of their skinny, strong body against his. "It's a good thing I love you." 

"It is," AJ agreed with a soft laugh, and then sighed deeply. "I'll try it your way, I'll read a book. You seem pretty obsessed with them, so there must be something worthwhile, hmm?" They joked, and Ezra rolled his eyes again. 

"Yeah, and you know you can always go fetch some stuff from yours if you want, alright? The spare key is on the hook." 

AJ stifled a yawn and Ezra couldn't help but smile at the accidental little squeak they made. "Mm, I might go later, I think Bea is going out with their partner at some point." 

"Sounds good. Look, sweetheart, I ought to go eat, I just wanted to check in, I...I'm worried about you, for my own slightly paranoid reasons," Ezra sighed, biting his lip as he looked down at his lunch again. 

"I understand," AJ soothed, their breath soft and calm as they spoke. "I'm doing fine, though, I promise. Apart from being bored." 

"Okay, good," Ezra murmured, ignoring this little dig. "I um...I'll go, then." 

"Yeah, okay. I'll see you soon," AJ hummed, and Ezra nodded, looking down again as his cheeks flushed slightly. 

"Yeah, soon. I love you." 

There was a pause, too long, then a soft 'bye,' and the line went dead. Ezra sighed and slipped his phone away, then started on his lunch, not quite sure if he felt better or not. 

By the time Ezra got home that evening, he was exhausted. He unlocked his front door and wandered straight into his bedroom, dumping his bag on the floor and turning to see AJ once again asleep in his bed, their hair wild on the pillow, their bare chest poking out from under the sheets. Ezra sighed to himself and changed into his shorts, then sat down on the edge of the bed and took his prosthesis off. As soon as he'd finished moisturising his leg, he leaned over and very gently began to shake AJ's shoulder, smiling as they stirred and grumbled, pressing their face into the pillow. 

"Magpie," Ezra called in a sing-song voice, and AJ groaned again, still not quite awake. "Come on, sweetheart, you won't sleep tonight if you don't wake up now," he protested, giving them another little shake. This time, one golden eye opened, blinking up at him sleepily, and then he had arms around his neck, AJ's body crashing into his as they flung themself at him. 

"Angel!" 

Ezra chuckled and hugged their waist tightly, turning his head to bury his face in their hair and breathe in the scent of their shampoo. 

"I missed you," AJ murmured softly, and Ezra gave them a gentle little squeeze. 

"I missed you too, my beautiful little bird," he purred, letting out a soft, contented sigh. "I was thinking we could order pizza and watch some TV in bed, how does that sound?" 

AJ tensed slightly, clinging a little tighter to their partner. "Does it have to be pizza?" 

"No, we can order whatever you like," Ezra soothed, his fingers spreading on their back. "Provided it's not salad." 

"How about Thai? It's a little bit lighter," they suggested quietly, and Ezra nodded, kissing their cheek before running his hands down and giving their backside a thorough, but gentle grab. AJ squealed and giggled, wriggling away from him to flop down on their side, their head falling back onto the pillow as they gazed up at Ezra happily. He smiled back at them for a second, then reached for his crutches. "I'll go get the menu so we can order." 

Ezra rolled over and pulled AJ into a quick kiss, smiling as they pulled away and stretched sleepily. 

"I don't know why I'm so stiff, but I hate it," they whined softly, and Ezra stifled a yawn, reaching out to rub their side lightly. 

"How about a massage?" He suggested with a bright smile. "A nice reward for eating a proper dinner." 

AJ grinned and nodded, gently tugging him closer and into a soft, loving kiss. "I would love that," they murmured as soon as their lips parted, and Ezra grinned, sitting up and grabbing his tub of moisturiser.

Shifting slightly, AJ tugged their shirt off, leaving them in just their underwear, and flopped back onto their stomach sleepily, folding their arms under the pillow and resting their head on it. 

"You look adorable," Ezra announced softly, and golden eyes fixed on him happily, while he leaned over and carefully moved their hair out of the way so he could access their whole back. AJ let out a quiet little sigh, their eyelids fluttering closed again, and Ezra just smiled to himself, spreading the moisturiser over their shoulders. A tiny shiver was AJ's only reaction, and Ezra smiled to himself before starting in on their shoulders, massaging the base of their neck with his thumbs, then sliding down and rubbing between their shoulder blades. AJ hummed contentedly, and Ezra smiled to himself, making sure to run his hands over every inch of his partner, running along their spine, pressing into their muscles, working every part of them he could to make them feel relaxed and happy. Every little push made AJ grunt in satisfaction, every caress of his hands down their spine caused them to shiver. When he eventually got to their lower back, Ezra gently guided AJ to curl up into child's pose, their knees under their chest, their body bent over to stretch out their lower back. Then he showed them the cobra pose as well, and AJ grinned as something cracked into place. 

"God, that feels good," they muttered, falling back to the bed and nuzzling at their pillow as Ezra ran his hands a little lower than their back, then grabbed their backside with both hands, giving it a proper squeeze. AJ wriggled under him and laughed, clearly enjoying themself, then reached back and pulled their underwear down, just enough to expose those perfect round cheeks. Ezra grinned to himself and immediately began to rub moisturiser into AJ's skin, giving their muscles a proper massage, and AJ gave their hips a little shake, causing Ezra to let out an involuntary sigh. 

"You know, your ass has become so much more...grabbable since you've been eating properly," he announced, demonstrating his point with both hands. "It's filled out beautifully, and I could just...spend all day like this," he admitted, and AJ purred contentedly. 

"Please do." 

Ezra leaned down and kissed the small of their back lightly, his hands running up their sides slowly, his body shifting position until he was leaning over them. He gently pulled their underwear back up and then patted their side lightly. 

"Roll over for me?" He murmured, phrasing it more like a question than an order. Either way, AJ rolled over promptly, grinning up at Ezra and reaching up, their hands sliding over his cheeks. 

"Hey," they murmured, and he just took them in for a moment, studying their beautiful eyes and drinking in every detail of their face before ducking down at last and kissing them. AJ let out a soft, surprised little sound, but kissed back almost immediately, one hand in his hair, the other still on his cheek, caressing his skin. 

The kiss lasted until Ezra couldn't hold himself up anymore, and he broke away, flopping to the bed beside AJ and humming contentedly as they snuggled up to him quickly. 

"Mm, shouldn't you be going home soon?" He asked softly, and AJ shook their head, their arm tightening around his waist. 

"M'not going home tonight." 

"More cuddles for me," Ezra grinned sleepily, and AJ nodded, relaxing into his chest and making Ezra feel even more tired, AJ's warmth dragging him down, grounding him to the bed as he closed his eyes and leaned into the exhaustion. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone!   
> I'm really sorry I've taken so long to get this one up, I've been having a really bad couple of weeks mental-health wise and it's all been just a bit too much. I know I haven't replied to your comments on 33 yet, and I promise I will get around to it! I love reading your comments so much, and I'm so thankful for them every time, but I knew it was either reply to them or get a chapter up, I can't do both, and I thought you guys would appreciate a chapter since I missed it on Monday.   
> Anyway, I promise to reply soon and I also would like to say that the next one is one of the sweetest chapters in the whole fic so I hope you're looking forward to it! However, please do remember that there will be a lot of warnings on 36, I'll put more information up with the notes on 35.   
> Thank you for reading! <3<3<3


	35. Chapter Thirty Five

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter includes sexual content, discussion of past sexual abuse, and insanely cute fluff.

It was Saturday, and AJ was having trouble getting dressed. They hadn't seen much of Ezra that week, thanks to his crazy schedule and the time he had to spend working on his university assignments, but he'd told them he was taking them out that evening, and they were overjoyed. The only problem was that he hadn't told them where he was taking them. 

All he'd told them was the time he would be outside their apartment, and that they didn't need to dress fancy. AJ glanced at the clock and sighed to themself. They'd at least done their makeup already; just a light touch of concealer here and there and some basic winged eyeliner and mascara so Ezra would get to see their freckles. He always seemed to kiss and touch their face more often when they wore lighter makeup, and they wanted all the kisses they could get. 

Time was running out, though, so they opened their underwear drawer and pulled out a pretty lacy black bralette, slipping it on and smiling to themself. It eased their dysphoria slightly, and it would look nice if they got to a point where Ezra took their shirt off that night. They were kind of hoping for something like that, so they decided to plan for it, finding a pair of matching lacy black underwear and slipping them on before wandering back to their wardrobe. A random t-shirt caught their eye and they smiled to themself, slipping it on quickly and accompanying it with a pair of plain jeans and their long, dark grey wool coat. Then they gave their room a quick tidy and laced up their sneakers, grabbed their keys, and slipped out of the door. 

Ezra wasn't downstairs yet, but AJ left the building anyway, spotting him about a hundred metres down the street. They couldn't help themself, running over to meet him, crashing into him in a tight, breathless hug. He chuckled and squeezed them gently, his hand running up and down their back slowly. 

"I guess I don't have to ask if you missed me," he joked, and AJ just pulled away from the hug enough to kiss him, their hands on his cheeks, tugging him deeper and deeper, fingertips pressing into his skin. He smiled into it and let his hands move around to rest on their hips, his eyes staying closed for a moment or two after they pulled away. AJ giggled softly and he grinned, blue eyes full of happy affection as he offered them his hand. 

"You look beautiful," he said quietly, and AJ felt their cheeks begin to warm up, their lip caught between their teeth as they took his hand quickly. 

"I um...I kinda just threw stuff on," they admitted, and he shrugged, squeezing their hand. 

"You could make a bin bag look cute. And anyway, I do really like this outfit." 

"Thank you. You look nice too," AJ hummed, bumping his shoulder with theirs lightly as they walked. He was wearing a similar jeans and t-shirt combo, but with an unzipped university hoodie on top. "Those are my favourite of your jeans, they make your ass look great," AJ commented with a mischievous grin, and Ezra rolled his eyes, smiling brightly. 

"My ass looks great in everything, excuse you." 

"True, true, but these are particularly good jeans," AJ purred, faltering in their step as they leaned in and kissed his cheek. "Where are we going, anyway?" 

"You'll see," Ezra smiled, his thumb stroking over theirs, his fingers squeezing theirs lightly. 

"I've decided that I like surprises since being with you," AJ announced, the wind whipping their hair into their face. They frowned and shoved it back behind their ears, but it just kept getting in the way, so they stopped and pulled a hair tie off their wrist, easily tugging their hair up into a messy bun. Ezra smiled at them fondly while he waited, and they slipped their hand into his, his warm fingers lacing with their slightly chilly ones.

"What?" They giggled shyly, and he grinned, shaking his head slightly. 

"You're just cute. And I'm glad you like my surprises," he added, squeezing their hand gently. "I enjoy surprising you, you have an adorable surprised face." 

"I think we need to stop saying the word 'surprise,' it's starting to sound weird," AJ laughed, and Ezra rolled his eyes jokingly. 

"Whatever. I'm trying to give you a compliment and you criticise my word choices," he huffed, shaking his head again sadly. AJ grinned and kissed his cheek again, leaning into him slightly as they walked. 

"Thank you for the compliment, angel. I think you have a very cute face all the time." 

Ezra blushed and smiled, but looked down thoughtfully, and AJ frowned, squeezing his hand lightly. 

"Hey, what's wrong?" 

He sighed and shrugged, leading them across the road carefully. "I um...when we were first starting to...get to know each other, I heard some of the queens talking about you at the club. They said you had to just be after me for money because you're so out of my league," he admitted slowly, his thumb stroking back and forth over their skin. "I know...I know that's not true, about the money. But I do think about it a lot, I...I have decent self-esteem, but I know...I know that you're far more attractive than me and-" 

"No, that's not true," AJ said sharply, cutting him off before he could say more. "For a start, attractiveness is all subjective. I don't give a flying fuck what anyone else thinks, especially not the other people at the club. You are handsome and cute and I find you very sexy, and that's all I care about." 

Ezra blushed and sighed, then shrugged. "I just think, traditionally speaking, most people would say-" 

"That's just because I weigh less than you. That's it," AJ interrupted again, shaking their head. "If you were the same shape as me, people wouldn't say that shit. And I like your shape as it is," they insisted, squeezing his hand tightly. "I love the fact that you have hips I can hold onto, and a lovely cuddly stomach, and a proper ass that's perfect for slapping. Isn't that all that matters?" 

Ezra was quiet for a moment, blushing bright red, and then he nodded. "Yeah. I just...I've never heard you say all that before." 

AJ blinked in surprise and gently pulled him to a stop, hugging him tightly and pressing a firm, insistent kiss to his cheek. "Well, it's all true, okay?" They murmured, feeling Ezra's arms around them and leaning into him. "I'll say it more often if you need reminding, I promise. You're perfect, Ezra. And you need to remember that my opinion matters so much more than random people on the street, alright?" 

"I'll remember," Ezra promised softly, and AJ leaned away just enough to capture his lips in a soft, brief kiss. 

"Now, take me to my surprise," they grinned as they broke away, and Ezra chuckled, pecking their lips quickly before taking their hand again.

"I needed that," he admitted quietly, and AJ nodded, squeezing his hand. 

"I know. And you know you can always ask me when you need stuff like that," they assured him, leaning into his side again as they walked towards the river. "I'm here for you." 

"I know that," Ezra smiled, guiding them along the walkway next to the river, his thumb stroking back and forth automatically. "I didn't really know I needed it." 

"I understand," AJ answered simply, just as Ezra gently pulled them towards a small pedestrian bridge, with a pretty white railing laden with engraved padlocks. They followed him onto it and he turned them around, pointing down the river to where the sun was getting low on the horizon. 

"This is one of my favourite spots to come think," he said quietly, and AJ leaned on the railing, their elbow on top of it, their chin in their hand as Ezra's hand ran up and down over their back. "I haven't actually brought anyone else here before," he admitted, leaning against the railing beside them, his arm around their waist. AJ smiled at him, their heart swelling with love and affection as they straightened up and met his gaze, their chest tight as the emotion overflowed. 

"Really?" They asked softly, and he nodded, his smile bright and a little shaky, full of intense emotion. 

"I really, really love you, AJ," he murmured, his eyes getting a little wet. They smiled in response and tried to remember what Mrs. Tracy had said.  _ Give yourself time.  _

AJ didn't try to force the words this time, instead they just kissed him, hoping he could feel their love in the way they drew him closer, the way they kissed him deep and needy and slow. Ezra smiled into it, and when he finally pulled away, he seemed calmer, settled, leaning on the railing and looking down at the water. 

"It's really peaceful," AJ commented softly, looking at the sunset as the sky became stained with orange and pink, fluffy clouds reflecting the beautiful colours. 

"I don't think many people come down this way that often," Ezra replied, wrapping his arm around them again. AJ cuddled up to his side, resting their head against him, cradled between the front of his shoulder and the side of his neck as they let silence fall. Comfortable, easy, loving silence. 

"You mean the world to me," AJ said after a while, and Ezra just nodded slightly. 

"I know, sweetheart. You mean the world to me, too." 

AJ smiled to themself and let out a soft sigh, just standing there happily, wrapped up in Ezra and the beautiful sunset. 

After a while, though, the sun was nearly gone, and it was starting to get cold, so Ezra slowly began to straighten up, causing AJ to take a deep breath as they were roused from their thoughts. 

"You can come back to mine," they said quickly, flashing Ezra a smile before he could say it was time for him to go home. "Bea is gone for the night," they murmured, and Ezra nodded, pulling them into a brief, careful kiss. 

"Let's do that. I was going to invite you to mine, but yours is closer," he smiled, and AJ nodded, taking his hand quickly and following him back off the bridge, their fingers lacing with his. 

"Ezra?" They asked softly after a moment or two of silence, and he glanced at them, squeezing their hand. 

"Yeah?" 

"I um.." AJ swallowed, feeling their cheeks flushing already. "I was kind of hoping maybe...something.." they cleared their throat, struggling to get the words out, even though they were completely used to talking about sex in the most blunt terms. "Intimate would happen tonight?" 

Ezra just smiled and lifted their hand, pressing his lips against their knuckles softly. "I'd like that too. But no pressure on either of us, of course," he added, and AJ nodded, their shoulders relaxing in relief. 

"Good, I um...wanted to be on the same page," they murmured, and Ezra bumped his shoulder against theirs gently. 

"I think we should talk about it a bit more when we get back to yours, just to...to make sure we're both completely certain of what we want and how we want it to go," he pointed out gently. "I want to get it right. For both of us, y'know?" 

"Me too," AJ said firmly, and Ezra flashed them another smile. 

"Good," he said simply, gently tugging them down a different road than the way they'd come. "There's a little bakery down here, I was thinking we could get something to share? They put their prices down in the evening," he grinned, and AJ giggled, a little uncertain about the idea of eating cake, but loving the happy gleam in Ezra's eyes and wanting to indulge him. 

He led them into a small bakery that smelled absolutely delicious, and they half hid behind him as he walked up to the counter, smiling at the woman behind the till. Then he turned to AJ and they blushed, biting their lip as he asked them what they wanted. 

"I...I don't mind. I like chocolate," they admitted uncertainly, and Ezra picked out a small cake, only about four inches in diameter. The woman behind the counter wrapped it up nicely for him and he paid, then gently led AJ back outside as they tried to shove down their anxiety. 

"Home time?" Ezra smiled, and AJ nodded, grabbing for his hand again and lacing their fingers. 

"Yes please." 

Once they got to AJ's flat, Ezra went to sit down on the bed and take his prosthesis off as it was rubbing, so AJ found a plate and cut the cake into quarters. They put one quarter on the plate, grabbed two forks, and headed into the bedroom to find Ezra sitting on the edge of the bed in his underwear. 

"Do you have any lotion?" He asked quickly, and AJ nodded, handing him the plate and grabbing their lotion from their bedside drawer. Without hesitation, they went to their knees in front of him, squeezing lotion into their hands. 

"You don't have to-" Ezra said quickly, but AJ was already smoothing the moisturiser over his skin, smiling up at him. 

"Shh, it's okay," they hummed, pressing a soft kiss to his knee as they massaged his residual limb gently. "I don't mind, angel. You don't need to be self-conscious, I promise." 

Ezra bit his lip and sighed, leaning down to gently pull at the tie on AJ's hair, undoing it so their long locks spilled down their back and shoulders. AJ just smiled to themself, focusing on rubbing his leg, making sure the lotion was fully worked into his skin before getting up to sit beside him. 

"Better?" They murmured, and he nodded, picking up one of the forks and scooping up a piece of the cake, offering it to them. 

AJ blushed, but opened their mouth obediently, taking the bite and enjoying the sweet, rich flavour on their tongue as Ezra withdrew the fork. They hadn't allowed themself to have chocolate in months, and it was absolutely divine, although they had to push away the guilt as they chewed and swallowed. And then they looked up into those loving blue eyes, Ezra's proud, happy smile, and relaxed. 

All that mattered was that he approved. 

"Good?" He asked softly, and AJ grinned, leaning over to kiss his cheek lightly. 

"Very. Give me that," they giggled, taking the fork from him and quickly feeding him a bite. He rolled his eyes, but smiled and took it, then fed AJ another forkful, dabbing their nose with the back of the fork as he pulled it back. AJ quickly wiped the sticky chocolate icing off their nose and picked up some of the cake with the other fork, pushing it against his cheek in retaliation. 

Ezra laughed and ate the bite, then tried to wipe his cheek, but couldn't quite get it 

"Let me," AJ giggled, and leaned in, licking the chocolate off his skin and grinning as he protested, trying to push them away. But they were already tugging him into a kiss, and he leaned into it eagerly, one hand sliding into their hair, giving it a gentle pull. 

Ezra broke away for just a moment to set the plate aside, and then dove back into the kiss, gently pushing AJ towards the bed. Trusting him wholeheartedly, they went willingly, their fingers tangling in his hair as they lowered themself to the bed, still kissing him even as their head sank into the pillow. Ezra's hands danced over their sides, slipping under their shirt, and AJ moaned ever so softly against his lips, then pulled him deeper as his thigh came up between theirs. They rocked against it instinctively and Ezra broke the kiss to chuckle softly, but AJ was already tugging him back down desperately. Their hips rolled again, and this time, Ezra met them, copying their motion, rubbing against them through their jeans. AJ lifted their own leg and Ezra gasped in pleasure. He rocked himself against them, fingers scrambling at the hem of their shirt, pulling, and AJ helped him slip it over their head, tossing it away as he looked down at them in surprise. 

"Pretty," he smiled softly, running his hands over the lace bralette, and AJ blushed, staring up at him for a moment and just admiring how cute and handsome he was. 

"Thank you," they murmured, and gently tugged at his shirt, pouting their bottom lip. Ezra chuckled and rolled his eyes, quickly pulling it off and throwing it away before ducking down again, his hips rolling already as his fingers curled around their chin. And then his other hand was on their belt and they were whining into the kiss, their fingers feeling clumsy as they tried to help him. In only a few short moments, his lips were on their stomach, their jeans around their ankles, their hips bucking into the cool air as they felt themself start to fill out even more, no longer restricted by the tight denim. 

Ezra managed to pull their jeans off completely and leaned over them again, kissing them a little softer this time - still with passion, but plenty more love and care. He pulled away far too soon and AJ grabbed at him shakily, but he just gently brushed them off, his cheeks flushing as he ran his hands up and down their sides. 

"I have to tell you something," he said quietly, his voice heavy, and AJ frowned, pushing themself up hurriedly and hugging him loosely. 

"I'm listening," they answered simply, and he sighed, gently pushing them away and taking their hands instead, looking down at their laced fingers. 

"I...I've only had sex with someone with a penis once," Ezra began very slowly, sounding a bit choked, his hands starting to shake as AJ squeezed them tightly. "I don't...I don't really want to go into it right now, but it was before I came out, in secondary school, a-and...basically, an older guy took advantage of me a-and I just.." he trailed off and sighed, shutting his eyes for a few moments as AJ waited patiently, their heart sunk all the way into their stomach. "First off, I don't...I don't really know what I'm doing, and second...I don't know how I'm going to react to...to...well, a penis. It's my own trauma and...and I'm sure I'll be okay, I just wanted to warn you," he mumbled, and AJ gently tilted his head up, forcing him to meet their gaze. Their fingers trembled; they absolutely loathed the thought that Ezra had been hurt in any way that even came close to what had happened to them. But they kept calm and simply smiled at him sadly. 

"It's perfectly fine, Ezra. I understand," they soothed, their thumb stroking over his skin, catching lightly at his bottom lip. "We don't have to do anything you feel uncomfortable with, and I'm here for you, okay? We stop whenever either of us needs to," they added, and he nodded, giving them a soft, brief kiss. 

"I love you." 

"I know," AJ smiled, letting out a slow breath and allowing their nervousness to come back, just sitting with it and feeling it. "I'm nervous," they admitted quietly. "I um...it'll be my first time having sex with someone I...I chose to be with, someone I care about and trust, and...well, I...I'm really glad it's with you," they said honestly, squeezing his hand and pressing a kiss to his cheek. "You make me feel so special." 

"You're going to make me cry before we even get close," Ezra laughed softly, then kissed them again, unable to resist. "You make me feel special too." 

AJ grinned and leaned back, slipping their bra off and tossing it aside before falling down against the bed, purring as Ezra followed them immediately. His lips went straight to their nipple, one hand stroking over the other, toying with their piercing as he swirled his tongue, his spare hand resting comfortably on their side. AJ whined and rolled up, and Ezra shifted position, giving them his thigh for friction as pleasure burst behind their eyes, bright and needy and better than anything they'd ever felt. 

They slid a trembling hand into his hair and moaned out shakily as he sucked lightly on their nipple, then leaned up slightly, dragging his tongue into the hollow just above their collarbone. AJ bucked impatiently and his lips were finally on theirs again, his hips rocking rhythmically now. It was easier to get into sync with him, rolling up every time he moved downwards, until they were barely kissing, just moaning against one another's lips. 

AJ could feel their length straining against their panties now, stroked up and down by Ezra's thigh, and his hand trailed down. 

"Can I touch?" He gasped breathlessly, and AJ nodded, whimpering happily. 

"P-please!" They answered shakily, and his hand wrapped around them, warm and soft and ever so gentle. Most people grabbed them and just went for it, but Ezra's hesitation, although it came from lack of experience, felt so  _ damn good.  _ He gave a little squeeze and AJ squirmed underneath him, their head throwing back in a loud moan, their body shuddering as they choked out one stuttered word. 

"B-break!" 

Ezra pulled away immediately, his weight lifting from AJ, his hands no longer anywhere on their body as he laid down beside them. AJ stared at the ceiling for a moment or two, chest heaving, then turned their head and smiled at him shakily. 

"Sorry, I didn't mean to worry you, I'm enjoying myself, I just...I felt like I needed to collect myself a bit," they admitted, and Ezra smiled softly, his cheeks still flushed red, his hand coming to rest on the centre of their chest. 

"That's okay, sweetheart. You're doing really well for me," he encouraged softly, and AJ managed to smile back at him, relaxing a little more with each passing second. 

"Tell me you love me?" They begged quietly, and Ezra's gaze became sappy and sweet, his lips pressing to theirs in a chaste, loving little kiss. 

"I love you, very much," he soothed, his hand running up to their cheek and stroking slowly. "I'm going to take care of you, my beautiful little bird." 

AJ blushed and took a slow breath, already feeling much more settled and calm, their heartbeat still fast, but no longer pounding in their ears. "I think I'm ready for more," they murmured, and Ezra nodded, moving a little closer to them. 

"Can I...can I see you first?" He asked gently, and AJ swallowed, hooking their thumbs under the waistband of their panties. 

"I'm...a bit self-conscious," they admitted, and Ezra smiled sympathetically, his hand trailing over their chest slowly. 

"Me too, don't worry. We'll be okay, together," he assured them, and AJ smiled, pulling their panties down before they could back out and kicking them away. Ezra's eyes widened slightly and he swallowed, then blinked. 

"Where's this um...mystery piercing?" He asked awkwardly, and AJ bit their lip, their cheeks on fire as they reached down and slowly lifted their balls out of the way. Down below them, right in the middle of their perineum, were two rainbow titanium bars. 

"It's called a guiche piercing," AJ said very quietly, and Ezra's eyes widened even more as he got onto his knees to get a proper look. 

"It's so pretty," he murmured, and AJ blinked. They weren't sure what reaction they'd expected, but this definitely wasn't it.

"You...you like it?" 

"Of course," Ezra grinned, stroking one hand up the top of their thigh. "I love piercings on you. Can I touch?" 

AJ needed a fire extinguisher for their face, but they just nodded, twitching a bit and gasping when Ezra's finger ran over their sensitive skin, pressing through it to the bars underneath. 

"Does that feel good?" He asked in surprise, and AJ nodded. 

"My prostate is sort of around that area, it um...feels nice to push down and rub there. And gives me less dysphoria than um...well, my entrance," they explained softly, and Ezra nodded, pressing a little harder and making AJ moan involuntarily, their head tipping back as they accidentally let go of their balls. 

Ezra withdrew quickly, and they opened their eyes to see him leaning over them, looking slightly worried. "You okay?" 

"Fine, sorry," they chuckled awkwardly, then reached up and slid a hand into his hair, gently guiding him down. "I'm done with my break," they announced very quietly, and Ezra smiled before kissing them passionately, already slipping back into position easily, his hand on their cheek as he rocked himself against their thigh, rubbing against their skin through his boxers. Then his other hand slid down, skimming over their stomach before hesitating. AJ answered the unspoken question with a groaned plea, and Ezra's hand wrapped around them, stroking slowly. 

"Ah! Lotion!" AJ winced immediately, and Ezra pulled away, muttering a nervous apology and fumbling for AJ's lotion. He managed to spread some over them and smiled at them worriedly. AJ didn't give him time to apologise again, instead simply tugging him back down into a kiss, their hips rocking up so they could rub their leg against him. Ezra moaned needily, rutting down harder, faster, his hand still stroking very slowly and gently, his touch still uncertain. 

But AJ couldn't help themself, they were already trembling under him, their head tipped back, mouth hanging open as he kissed at their neck softly, lightly, his lips hot and wet on their skin. They felt more aroused than they had in weeks, not only from Ezra's body so perfect above them and his hand working over them so gently, but also from his pleasure, his soft, happy sounds, his kisses. And then he gasped, leaning back slightly and rocking harder, rubbing himself against AJ's skin. 

"F-fuck! I'm g-gonna come!" He groaned out shakily, his breaths coming fast and shallow, and AJ sat up suddenly, almost dislodging him. 

"W-wait! I-...I want to.." AJ tried, then realised they had no idea what they wanted and blushed, Ezra's surprised and worried gaze fixed on them. "I want to make you come, but...I want a bit more," they mumbled, and Ezra's expression softened, his beautiful smile spreading across his face. 

"That sounds lovely, sweetheart. What were you thinking?" 

AJ bit their lip hard, their cheeks flushing even hotter as they looked away. "I don't...I don't really know, I've never...I've never been with a trans man before." 

Ezra blinked in surprise, then seemed to relax, moving to sit beside them, his hand resting on their thigh innocently. "That's okay, sweetheart," he soothed, kissing their cheek as they leaned against him slightly. "I'm down for pretty much anything," he went on softly, his hand stroking a little higher, exploring AJ's smooth skin and lithe, strong muscles. "I didn't plan on this, though, so I don't have a strap on. But um...just...what would you like to do? What usually makes you feel good?" He asked, and AJ swallowed, giving a small shrug. 

"It's never been about what makes me feel good before. I guess...I like giving blow jobs. I'm...I'm good at it, and I usually get to have more control, y'know?" 

"Of course," Ezra smiled, gently turning their head and kissing them lightly. "We can do that." 

"But I have no idea how," AJ pointed out with a nervous smile, and Ezra chuckled, kissing them again, even more tenderly this time, his hand stroking higher up their thigh. 

"That's okay. It's all trial and error, really. Do you want me laying down, or..?" 

AJ swallowed hard, then nodded slightly. "Lay down for me, please," they smiled, taking a deep breath. Oddly enough, they didn't feel nervous in the sense that they were worried about how they would feel. They were entirely focused on Ezra and his pleasure, no longer wondering and worrying about whether they'd dissociate, as they were simply too busy taking in the sight of Ezra laid out for them, his head comfortably nestled on a pillow, his legs up. 

AJ smiled to themself, relaxing somewhat as they moved to kneel between his legs, their hands on his sides, rubbing lightly. 

"My beautiful boyfriend," they grinned, and Ezra blushed, biting his lip as their long fingers curled under the waistband of his boxers. He lifted his hips slightly and the underwear came free, his legs closing for a moment before he blushed and let them fall open. 

AJ looked down in surprise and blinked a few times. They weren't sure what they'd been expecting, but Ezra's cock really looked just like that - a small cock, about two and a half inches long, the little head poking out from under its hood of skin. His folds were slick and shining with arousal, his entrance hidden from view, and AJ could smell his scent, warm and sweet, but also a little salty, sharp. 

They bit their lip and Ezra sighed softly. "You don't have to do anything you don't want to," he said quickly, in a small, insecure voice, and AJ looked up hurriedly, eyes wide. 

"I want to! I just...I didn't know what to expect, so um...it's surprising. But in a good way," they added quickly. "You're um...beautiful," they said softly, then cursed themself. "Not beautiful, I m-mean handsome, I'm s-" 

"Beautiful is just fine," Ezra soothed, his own cheeks bright red as he gestured for AJ to lean down and kiss him. "Come here, my sweetheart," he smiled, his hands sliding over their cheeks as they leaned over him, careful not to let their length brush against him as they kissed him softly and briefly. "No one has ever called my um...area beautiful before," he smiled, and AJ managed a small laugh, gazing down into those blue eyes and remembering exactly why they were in love with this man. 

"Well, it is. You are. And I want to make you come," they announced bluntly, and he grinned, parting his legs a little more. 

"Be my guest." 

AJ hummed happily, feeling a bit more confident now as they got into position. "Can I touch your entrance?" They asked softly, and Ezra nodded, using another pillow to prop himself up enough to see what they were doing. 

"You can finger me too, if you want," he added quietly. "Just be careful of your nails." 

AJ nodded and began to explore, sliding two fingertips over him, dipping them between his folds, seeking out his entrance and loving the little cry of pleasure as they breached him, pressing up against his spot briefly. Then they slid back, and reached up with their other hand, pulling the hood of his cock back with their thumb and rubbing over his tip lightly. 

Ezra twitched and winced, gently brushing their hands away, and AJ immediately withdrew, mortally embarrassed. 

"It's okay, sweetheart. Just...watch me for a minute," Ezra mumbled, and AJ nodded, watching as Ezra began to stroke himself, using his own slick arousal as lube, his fingertips flicking up and down his short shaft, through his hood. 

"The tip is- ah! Too sensitive sometimes," Ezra mumbled, his eyelids fluttering in pleasure, a soft moan slipping from his lips. "Being wet helps," he added, bucking into his hand slightly while AJ watched intently, studying the way he used his fingers, the spots he focused on. Then they leaned in and began to lap at his entrance, purring as he slid his hand back from himself, giving them all the access they needed. 

Smiling to themself despite their earlier mistake, AJ dove in and wrapped their lips around his short length, suckling lightly, their tongue flicking against him, two fingers pressing into his entrance. Ezra shuddered and groaned, his head tipped back, his body tense. 

"D-deeper! Please!" He gasped out, and AJ obliged, pushing their fingers in as deep as they could, feeling their nails hit a barrier somewhere inside him. 

Ezra cried out shakily, fingers curling in the sheets briefly. "Shit! Not that deep!" He gasped, and AJ felt a bolt of dread and shame through their chest, and withdrew hurriedly, suddenly feeling close to tears. 

"I-I'm sorry! I...I-" they stuttered, but Ezra was already sitting up, embracing them gently. 

"Shhh, you're doing fine," he soothed quickly, rocking them ever so slightly, his fingers spreading on their back. "Take a deep breath. We're both going to fumble and get stuff wrong today, and that's okay. We're both fine, I promise I'm okay, it just surprised me," he added with a chuckle, squeezing them lightly. "We can stop, if-" 

"No!" AJ gasped sharply, then winced and sighed, leaning into him a little heavier. "I'm okay, I'll be okay," they insisted, taking a few deep breaths to calm down before gently pushing Ezra back towards the bed. 

He went a little reluctantly, clearly still worried about them, but AJ just smiled down at him, reminding themself of how pleasured he'd been earlier just from rubbing against them. They could get this right. 

AJ leaned down again, lapping against him, then taking his short cock into their mouth, slipping their fingers into him. Ezra moaned and they smiled triumphantly, enjoying the feel of his warmth around their digits, his strong muscles clamping down on them as they started to bob their head slightly, their cheeks hollow. Ezra's hand found their hair, but didn't tangle, instead just settling there, holding their head gently as they shifted position to lay flat on the bed, rutting against the mattress every time they took Ezra's cock all the way into their mouth. His moans made them feel amazing, their own length starting to leak against the sheets as Ezra cried their name, along with another confession that he was on the edge. AJ hummed acknowledgment, not sure what to expect, but kept going, rubbing themself against the bed needily while bobbing their head, using their tongue to swirl around him or flick against his tip occasionally. 

And then Ezra's hips bucked and he cursed, crying out AJ's name, his legs shaking, his whole body twitching as he overflowed, coating AJ's hand in fluid while they kept lapping at him, easing him through his orgasm. Every little touch made him gasp and twitch, still moaning softly even after he'd just finished. 

Eventually, though, he went still and simply laid there, panting softly, so AJ began to clean him up, slowly dragging the flat of their tongue over him, contentedly lapping his spend from his folds. After a moment or two, his hand landed in their hair, stroking slowly, shakily, and AJ hummed to him before picking up their discarded underwear and wiping their hand on it. 

Ezra still didn't seem ready to move, so AJ crawled over to lay beside him, rubbing his chest lightly. "Was that okay?" They asked nervously, and Ezra gave a soft little groan. 

"Fuck, it was amazing, sweetheart," he mumbled, then rolled over, gently guiding AJ onto their back. He slid down their body before they realised what was happening, his fingers rubbing gently at their bare hip, right over the bone. 

"May I?" He asked softly, and AJ bit their lip lightly, briefly uncertain. 

"Um...okay," they murmured, and Ezra tilted his head slightly. 

"Are you sure?" He pressed gently, and AJ swallowed, nodding quickly. They wanted Ezra to have everything he wanted, they wanted to give themself over to him. But at the same time, they weren't sure that they wanted to come. They didn't really like the way it felt, not anymore, not after Gabriel's manipulation, and not with the anxiety surrounding their HIV status, even if Ezra was safely on medication. It would have been much, much easier just to ignore their own arousal, but Ezra was already leaning down, his hand cupping the base of their shaft to keep it in place while he dragged his tongue over their tip, caressing their most sensitive area. His other hand slid down, his fingertips pressing against their piercings, rubbing over that needy place right behind their balls and adding yet another amazing sensation to the mix. 

Then his lips closed around their tip, his tongue flicking, almost treating it like one big clit, and AJ threw their head back, squealing out in shocked pleasure. They couldn't believe how good it felt, that attention on their tip, this new type of oral. They'd never had anyone try this with them before, and although it, once again, came from Ezra's inexperience with penises, it was very obvious that he was insanely good at eating out. And the way he was suckling lightly, his tongue swirling around the fold of skin behind the soft head, dipping into their slit, felt so, so good, not only because of the physical pleasure, but also the way it eased AJ's dysphoria, having their length treated like a clit rather than what it was. 

In fact, it was so mind-blowing that AJ didn't have time to stop Ezra before they came, their hips bucking, their cries escalating as they shouted his name, spilling into his mouth. Ezra blinked in shock at the bitter, metallic, even slightly salty taste after the more subtle flavour of AJ's precum, and it dribbled down his chin as he froze, trying to process it. Then he leaned over the edge of the bed and grabbed a hand towel from their washing basket and spat into it, cleaning his chin at the same time. 

AJ wrapped their hand around themself quickly, stroking a few more times and whimpering as they stained the bed with one last spill, their hips jerking. 

"Fuck, I'm...I'm sorry," Ezra said hurriedly, and AJ collapsed back, gasping for breath. 

"God! That was the...the best sex I've ever had!" They groaned, and Ezra was silent for a moment, then moved to lay beside them, propping himself up on one elbow and letting his hand rest on their stomach. 

"Really?" He asked softly, disbelief in his tone, and AJ chuckled, turning their head to face him, forcing their pleasure-clouded vision to focus on his adorable face. 

"Really," they smiled, pecking his lips. "You haven't given a blow job before though, have you?" They teased gently, and Ezra grinned sheepishly. 

"No, I um...I wasn't sure about the taste," he mumbled shyly, and AJ nodded, feeling as if their body had turned to happy jelly. 

"Mm, it takes some getting used to," they agreed softly, kissing his nose lightly. "Thank you, really. I...I didn't think I could ever have that, to be honest," they murmured, staring into those deep blue eyes and thinking about just how lucky they were to have him. "It's been a very, very long time since I last actually enjoyed an orgasm." 

"I'm glad you didn't tell me that before, that's far too much pressure!" Ezra joked, and AJ laughed, kissing him again and again, knowing he was only joking because he was nervous and unsure of himself. 

"You did perfect, our first time was always going to be awkward," they pointed out gently. "I've never touched a...a um...y'know, before and you've never given a blow job," they grinned, and Ezra chuckled, settling a bit more. 

"When you put it that way, we make a great pair!" He snorted, then smiled in a more serious way. "Every new couple goes through this, anyway, it's just a little harder for us. But we'll get there," he murmured, and AJ nodded happily. 

"I know. You should get cleaned up, anyway. I'm exhausted now and I want to change the sheets." 

Ezra just smiled and sat up, stretching before leaning down and kissing them one last time. "I'll just be a few minutes," he announced, and AJ stroked down his back sleepily as he sat on the edge of the bed, pulling his prosthesis on carefully. 

"Mm. Miss you already," they mumbled, and he just laughed, shaking his head as he grabbed his underwear and tugged them back on, then slipped out of the room. 

Once Ezra was gone, AJ got up a little unsteadily, cleaning themself off carefully before pulling on a pair of soft sleeping shorts. They contemplated a pretty little top to go with the shorts, but decided that they wanted to have as much skin to skin contact with Ezra as possible and instead turned their attention to the sheets. Luckily, only the fitted sheet had been messed up, so they stripped it off and replaced it with a clean one, then folded up onto the mattress with an exhausted sigh, burying their face in the pillow just as their bedroom door clicked. 

AJ turned their head tiredly and Ezra smiled at them worriedly, sitting down on the edge of the bed to doff his prosthesis. "I thought you said Bea was out? The other bedroom light was on," he said quietly, and AJ just shrugged, gently grabbing at his thigh. 

"Maybe she left it on, I dunno. Come cuddle!" 

Ezra rolled his eyes fondly and flicked the light off, then crawled into bed with AJ, pulling a blanket over both of them. 

"I'm here, sweetheart. I'm so proud of you, and so thankful that you trusted me," he murmured, and AJ nuzzled at his jaw happily, wrapping their arm around him. 

"Mm, I'm proud of  _ us,"  _ they hummed, stroking their fingertips up and down his spine lightly. "We worked together and we...we had sex, despite everything, and I think we both deserve some credit." 

"Yeah, I suppose we do," Ezra smiled softly, giving them a gentle squeeze. "Thank you." 

"Thank  _ you,"  _ AJ countered, kissing his neck lightly and relaxing into his embrace. "I can't wait to get back to dancing now, I feel...I feel really good. I think this break has been really good for both of us, and for this relationship." 

"Yeah, it has," Ezra said quietly, starting to sound a little distant thanks to his sleepiness. "Only a few more days and then you get to be on stage again. My lovely little magpie all glittering for the crowd." 

AJ smiled to themself and just closed their eyes, letting Ezra drift off in peace. They lay awake for a little while longer, too excited and proud to fall asleep straightaway. After all, they'd hit a true milestone, something they had thought they'd never get back. They'd thought that enjoying sex had gone out the window eight years ago, that first time, but there they were, laying in their lover's arms, still coming down from the high of reaching their climax under his attentive care. They couldn't wait to see what was next for them, and they fell asleep still buzzing with possibilities and the elation of success, along with their deep, profound love for the man asleep beside them. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter, it's one of my favourites for sure! Also please read the stuff below, it's very important!! 
> 
> Chapter 36 will mark the start of the first batch update, I'll be posting three chapters over the weekend - one a day starting on Friday. I'm putting the warnings for 36 below, if you have any concerns, you can message me via any of the contacts in my profile, if you want to avoid spoilers or anything, you're not obliged to read them - they're very detailed. It's probably tied with the last really bad one for the most intense chapter of the fic, so if you feel you need to tap out, that's perfectly understandable <3 Take care of yourselves! 
> 
> \---------------------------------------
> 
> Warnings for 36: kidnapping, chloroform, misgendering, intense violence/torture (including knives and stabbing, breaking of bones, ripping of piercings, strangling), filming of abuse, transphobia (including slurs), dehumanisation/degradation, panic attacks, allusions to past underage sexual abuse and grooming, sexual content, attempted murder.


	36. Chapter Thirty Six

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ***MASSIVE WARNING***  
> This chapter contains kidnapping, chloroform, misgendering, intense violence/torture (including knives and stabbing, breaking of bones, ripping of piercings, strangling), filming of abuse, transphobia (including slurs), dehumanisation/degradation, panic attacks, allusions to past underage sexual abuse and grooming, sexual content, and attempted murder.

On Tuesday night, AJ arrived at the club excited and happy, buoyed up by their weekend with Ezra. They hadn't had any more intimate times, but there had been plenty of cuddling and watching TV and just relaxing together, and it had been blissfully perfect. 

In fact, AJ felt more ready than ever to get back to work, and they slipped into the dressing room to get ready, immediately greeted by cheers and even a few hugs. Bea was nowhere to be seen, but a lot of the other performers were thronging around AJ, congratulating them on being back and saying how much they were missed. AJ enjoyed the attention to a certain extent, but they were still glad when it died down and they could start getting ready in peace. 

It took them a little while, thanks to being out of practice, but they managed to wriggle into their costume, strapping up their high heels and doing last minute adjustments to their makeup just as Bea appeared next to them. 

"Michael wants to see you outside," she announced, and AJ looked at her, frowning slightly. 

"What for?" 

"I don't know, she just grabbed me and told me to get you," Bea shrugged, and AJ sighed, shaking their head slightly as they turned away. Bea was difficult to read, she always seemed to be very straight-faced, to the point where it could be rather unnerving, and AJ hadn’t realised how much they’d been relieved to be away from her and with Ezra until that moment. They didn’t like the way she’d been looking at them so blankly, but they tried to shake it off and opened their locker, taking out the hoodie they'd brought in with them and burying their face in it for a moment. It was Ezra's - they'd 'borrowed' it from his place the last time they'd slept over, as they'd known they wouldn't see him for a couple days and they pouted about being lonely until he gave in. It still smelled like him, despite the fact that they'd been practically living in it since Monday morning, and they slipped it on happily, pulling their hair out of the way. The hoodie itself was a bit worn and almost came down to their knees, thanks to Ezra's love of roomy clothes, but the university logo was still readable. 

One of the queens looked over and giggled, and there was a chorus of 'oohs' as AJ clicked their locker padlock into place. 

"AJ got themself a smart university boyfriend!" Came a teasing voice, and AJ rolled their eyes, flipping off the crowd as was expected of them, but smiling to themself as they slipped out of the dressing room. They were proud of Ezra, after all, and they loved sitting and listening to him talk about his dissertation for hours, even if they barely understood a word. So they couldn't help but smile and think about how the other performers were all jealous as they slipped out of the back door to the club, letting it swing shut behind them. 

Michael was waiting, her face set in a fake smile, just as AJ heard movement in the shadows next to them and tried to turn. But strong hands were already grabbing them, shoving them against the wall, pinning them there. Shocked and briefly frozen by gripping panic, AJ tried to fight back, but only succeeded in grazing their skin on the rough brickwork as their unseen attacker held them down. Gabriel stepped into view and AJ’s heart sunk as he handed Michael a briefcase, which she opened briefly to show stacks of banknotes, arranged as if this was some kind of spy movie. Light dawned on AJ, although it was grubby, disturbing light that made them feel sick. Whoever it was that had them pinned shifted their stance and Gabriel smiled at them briefly, then took a step towards AJ, his smile turning into a mirthless grin. 

“You’re all mine now,” he chuckled, just as the man holding AJ down shoved a rag into their face. AJ took a deep breath in to scream, and promptly passed out, the last thing they saw being Gabriel’s eyes, fading as their vision went black. 

~

Ezra glanced from his laptop to his phone, then sighed and tried to focus on the words in front of him, his eyes narrowing, but the silence from the other end of the desk kept drawing his attention. He could hear Newt and Anathema talking in the living room, and it wasn't exactly helping him stay focused. 

He couldn't help but feel jealous of them. They seemed to get on so well, and Newt, aside from her identity, didn't seem to have that many issues with life in general. Anathema was usually fairly happy as well, as long as she'd had time to organise everything as carefully as she liked, and it all just seemed so much easier than Ezra's relationship with AJ. 

Even now, while Newt and Anathema were watching a movie together and celebrating Anathema's great coursework result, Ezra was at his desk, worrying constantly about AJ. It didn't seem entirely fair, but he just tried to push the sense of injustice to the back of his mind and sighed quietly. He leaned his elbows on the desk and buried his face in his hands, dragging them up his face and into his hair, fingers tightening. It wasn’t all bad, he had to remember that in moments like this. After all, the reason he was so worried was because he was absolutely head over heels in love with AJ. He loved them more than he’d ever loved anyone in his life, and although it could be difficult at times, even scary, being with them was also the happiest he’d ever been. But even as he tried to focus on the positive, to think about everything he was thankful for when it came to AJ and their relationship, the worry crept back in, and he groaned, picking up his phone. 

No message from AJ, not even to say they'd arrived at work. That wasn't unusual - they were incredibly bad at remembering to text when they got to places, but Ezra just felt paranoid about their first day back. He gave in and tapped on David's contact, sighing to himself and biting his lip before starting to type. 

_ Ezra, 11:18 _

_ Hey, AJ was supposed to text me when they arrived and I haven't had anything. Have you seen them?  _

He chucked his phone onto his desk and dragged his hand through his hair, then glared at his computer again, trying to force the words to make sense. Taking deep breaths, Ezra tried to remember some of the things his therapist had taught him back when he'd just started university and could afford the fees - thinking about his breathing, about every sensation of his breath through his nose, his lungs filling; focusing on the feeling of his clothes on his body, the chair under him, but none of it was working. He just couldn't help himself from glancing at his phone every few seconds, and he was getting frustrated enough to give up on trying to work just as a buzzing cut through his rising anger. 

_ David, 11:24 _

_ I haven't seen them at all, I'm afraid, but I just spoke to Bea and she said she saw them come in. I'll message you when I see them next.  _

Ezra sighed to himself and took a deep breath, trying to rationalise this. AJ was probably busy, it would take them longer than usual to get ready, and they'd want to do a little rehearsal in their mind, which meant having to find a quiet corner to listen to their music. It was still early in the night, they wouldn't necessarily be around the club yet, so it was all- 

Ezra's phone buzzed in his hand and he looked down at the notification, cold dread trickling down his spine, his chest going still as he forgot to breathe. 

_ SOS Emergency: AJ has pressed their panic alarm!  _

~ 

AJ could feel something oddly sticky against their cheek, hear the hum of an engine and the sound of some shitty pop music. They opened their eyes slowly, their head pounding, their mouth feeling dry as they tried to figure out what was going on. 

Black leather was under them, black leather car seats. They could see a seat in front of them, which meant they were on a backseat, but the light in the car was dim. Streetlights flashed by outside, seeming dull through the heavily tinted windows. AJ could feel tape around their wrists and their phone in their costume, digging into their collarbone, and they blinked, remembering the panic app through the fuzzy, post-drugging haze. 

They blinked at the seat in front of them, then moved their gaze to the driver's seat. Gabriel was staring straight ahead, the radio turned up loud enough to disguise any small movement AJ made, their long hair messy over their face and hiding their eyes. They took a slow breath and shifted their shoulder, managing to push the phone up towards their chin. Their eyes still fixed on Gabriel, they ducked their head and slowly, heart pounding, managed to bite the end of their phone, pulling it out of their costume slowly. Once it was on the seat, it was just a nudge to get it into their hands, and they pressed the lock button three times, waited, and pressed it another three times. They didn't dare try to unlock their phone to check it had worked, in case the light of the screen caught Gabriel's attention, so they quickly dropped the phone to the floor and pushed it under the seat in front of them. 

This movement seemed to alert Gabriel, as the radio suddenly turned down and his eyes flashed up to the rearview mirror. 

"Hmm, seems I got the dosing wrong," he hummed to himself, then squinted slightly. "Got a headache there, Anthony?" He chuckled evilly, and AJ did their best to seem as if they'd just woken up, glancing around worriedly. 

"What? Wh-where am I?" They asked hurriedly, stuttering with very real fear, the gravity of the situation crashing down on them all at once, now that they'd done the only thing they could. 

"In a car," Gabriel snorted, then shook his head slightly. "I can't believe you thought you'd gotten away from me, you have the brain power of a gnat. All the beauty, none of the brains," he said disdainfully. "And losing the former rather quickly," he added with nasty chuckle. 

AJ winced and tried to figure out another escape route, but Gabriel was driving fast, and surely he would have thought far enough ahead to put the child locks on. 

"Anyway, I know you disobeyed me," he went on sharply, and ice formed around AJ's heart, their chest tightening, absolute, utter terror gripping them as they realised just how fucked they were. "And we're going to go somewhere special and have a nice little talk about how you've disappointed me," Gabriel purred, his voice suddenly sickly sweet and a hundred times more dangerous. 

AJ squeezed their eyes shut and just hoped to God - well,  _ someone, _ anyway - that the app had worked and Ezra would come save them. 

~ 

As soon as Ezra opened the notification, it pulled up a map of where AJ was - well, where the phone was, just before the call came in through the app. Ezra answered quickly, his hands shaking, his whole body practically vibrating with stress and adrenaline. 

All he could hear on the other end of the line was the rumble of a car engine and muffled music, which suddenly turned off. A voice began to speak, but Ezra was only able to catch a word here and there, so he minimised the call and went back to the map, staring intently as the little dot moved, trying to figure out where they were going as he listened. 

There was the sound of a phone dialing through the car's sound system, louder than the voice Ezra had heard before - the car's speakers had to be closer to the phone. The voice was still difficult to make out, but not impossible. 

"Yeah...it's ready...yeah. There will be...the room is near the back, no one...music will.." 

Ezra could only catch snippets of what was being said, but as he watched the little dot move on the map, his heart pounding heavily in his chest, light began to dawn. He recognised the voice, and he recognised the area. 

His old boss at the last club he'd worked at had always complained about the landlord - a guy Ezra had never met but knew was called Gabriel. Everything clicked into place at last, and he swallowed, realising with a jolt that he knew exactly where AJ was being taken. 

~

AJ felt the car come to a stop and tensed, sitting up and getting ready to run as soon as the door was opened. The door clicked, the locks undone, and AJ surged forward just as Gabriel opened the door. They fell out of the car and tried to get up, to stumble away, but they'd been lying down on the backseat for too long, the chloroform making them even more lightheaded, and they fell, knees buckling and sending them to the tarmac. 

Gabriel's hand immediately twisted in their hair, yanking them up, and AJ screamed in pain, tears already springing to their eyes as Gabriel slammed the car door and began to drag them towards a large building. AJ took in a breath to scream again, but a knife was suddenly at their throat, gleaming dangerously in the low light of the streetlights. 

They went silent and Gabriel chuckled quietly, pressing the knife a little harder into their skin. "That's what I thought," he purred. "Open the door." 

AJ struggled to turn the knob of the building's back door with their wrists bound, but they managed it, their breathing ragged as they were led across an empty hallway and into a small, dingy room. There only furniture was a ratty, old couch and a small folding table, and the floors were made of polished concrete, the walls painted a horrible dark grey. But what really caught AJ's eye was the video camera on a tripod in the corner. They swallowed and heard the door lock behind them, the blade of the knife still pressed to their throat. Then it was gone and AJ stumbled away from Gabriel immediately, taking in a deep breath and screaming for help as loudly as they could. 

But all they could hear was muffled dance music - no people shouting, no one hammering on the door. AJ looked at Gabriel, their heart sinking, and he grinned, pressing a button on the top of the camera. 

"You're not going anywhere. And I’m going to have a lovely little movie to add to my collection," he said quietly, vicious delight dripping off every word as he stepped forward, grabbing their hair again, dragging them over to the couch. AJ barely fought back, their mind racing, desperately trying to think, trying to come up with some way to escape. They tripped and fell, but Gabriel just kept dragging them, ignoring their cries of pain as he pulled them over to the couch and grabbed them, throwing them onto it. AJ hit hard and tried to curl up, to protect their head with their arms, but Gabriel was already straddling them, forcing them to lay flat. 

"Look at you. Pathetic," he snarled, the knife appearing again, catching the light as it pressed against AJ's throat and forced them to go still, their eyes wide and fixed on Gabriel in mind-numbing horror. "You used to be so cute and pretty. I was looking through old photos yesterday. Remember your sixteenth birthday? Those lovely pictures you took for me, all dressed up in your lingerie and your dress. Such a cute little trap, and so shy, touching yourself for me on those messages you sent me. What happened, hmm? Look at you now. All old, worn out. And so, so disobedient. It's such a shame," he said sadly, shaking his head, his fingers tangling in their hair, grabbing a handful. “I think maybe you’ve gotten too confident in yourself, hmm? You need to be taken down a peg, to be reminded just what you are: a toy. How about we start with this beautiful hair, how does that sound?” The knife slid away from AJ’s throat and they screamed in pain as he began to hack off chunks of their hair, their eyes squeezing shut against the agony as they struggled, trying to pull away, their legs working against the cushions, trying to push themself out from under Gabriel. 

He didn't say anything; he didn't stop to gloat or hesitate, he knew what he was doing and he was in full concentration, their hair falling in long, curly locks around them. AJ could feel the tears streaming down their cheeks, but it was drowned out by the pain of half their hair being practically ripped out by the knife hacking away at their favourite part of themself. Despair choked them, washing through them, and they went limp, giving in. 

~ 

Ezra scrambled up so quickly his chair fell backwards, hitting the floor unheeded with a crash. He grabbed his backpack and keys and rushed out of the door, finding Anathema in the hallway, looking shocked. 

"Ezra? I just heard a crash, I-...where are you going?" 

Ezra was shaking all over, rage making him sweat, his entire mind focused on one simple thing:  _ getting AJ safe.  _ "To murder someone," he snarled, and tried to walk past her, but Anathema was already grabbing his arm gently, pulling him back. 

"Hold on, I need more explanation than that," she said hurriedly, her voice trying to be cheerful but coming out strained and worried. 

Ezra shook her away and pushed past her down the hall, snatching up his shoes to start lacing them on. 

"I don't have time to explain, I need your keys," he said simply, shoving his phone into his pocket so he could tie his shoes. 

"No, you're going to make time to explain if you're going to tell me you're about to murder someone," Anathema answered sharply, stepping forward and lifting her keys from the hook carefully. Newt appeared in the living room doorway down the hall, looking worried. 

"I need the car!" Ezra protested desperately, fear rushing up, making his vision blur briefly, his breath coming quick and heavy as he began to feel lightheaded. "Look! AJ is being taken somewhere!" He snapped, showing Anathema the app, his hand shaking slightly. 

"Ez...it's not moving," Anathema murmured gently, frowning as she stepped forward, reaching out for his phone. But Ezra was already pulling his hand back, glaring at the screen, his chest heaving as the audio from the call changed. He heard a car door slam, then a muffled bone-chilling scream, AJ's voice, and he broke down sobbing, the phone slipping from his hands as he lunged at Anathema, who'd gone white as a sheet. He tried to grab the keys, but tripped, slumping to the ground and desperately trying to drag himself up as Newt rushed forward, crouching down to gently help him to his feet. Anathema picked up his phone in one shaking hand, and then took a deep, shuddering breath. 

"We need to call-" 

"No police!" Ezra cried, dragging himself to his feet and snatching at the keys again, but Anathema jerked them away from him. 

"Ezra, I know you've had bad experiences, but-" 

"When I reported her, they laughed at me! They don’t give a fuck about trans people, why would they care about AJ? They’ll just arrest them for being a prostitute!" He growled, lunging forward again and this time being caught by Newt, her arm around his waist. Tears were streaming down his cheeks now, everything shaking, adrenaline making him feel weak and odd. "I don't have time to waste with the police, he's the one who cut them with a knife!" 

Anathema swallowed and shook her head, handing Ezra's phone back to him. "Call the police," she said firmly. "If he's got a knife, he's dangerous, you need to be protected. I don't care whether you trust them or not, you  _ need  _ them." 

"Fuck this," Newt muttered, gently taking Ezra's phone and slipping hers out of her pocket, dialing the number before Ezra could react. "Hello? Yes, I need police, my friend's partner has been abducted and taken to this address. We've heard them screaming over the phone, they have a panic app installed and the man they're with has harmed them with a knife before," she said hurriedly, lowering her voice to make it sound more authoritative, and Anathema caught Ezra as he almost collapsed, sobbing uncontrollably, his whole body shaking with each cry. He couldn't bear the thought of something happening to AJ, he couldn't get their terrified, pained scream out of his mind, he couldn't  _ breathe. _

"Ez, I need you to listen to me," Anathema murmured, her voice gentle and certain as he hugged him tightly, letting him sob into her shoulder while Newt spoke to the police. "We won't let anything happen to them, okay? It's going to be okay." 

~ 

Gabriel was smiling to himself grimly, working away with the knife, slicing Ezra's hoodie from AJ's body, then tearing the blade through their costume, tossing it all away until they were laying naked and crying beneath him, their scalp still burning. 

And then the knife was back in their vision, Gabriel's grin widening as he taunted them with the bright, sharp metal. 

"Naughty little whore, hmm?" He purred, then moved suddenly, sharply, like a snake striking, and AJ screamed in pain, just as he shoved a scrap of the hoodie fabric into their mouth, forcing it in until there was no way they could spit it out. AJ squeezed their eyes shut, not wanting to see the red blood welling up; not wanting to see the new cut that would turn into a new scar. They could feel it well enough, though, throbbing in their skin, the hot liquid running over their stomach, spilling down. It was much, much deeper than he'd ever cut them before. 

"You're like an old doll now, too marked and dented and used to be played with anymore. All you're good for now is being a lovely little stress ball for me," Gabriel purred, dragging the tip of the knife down the centre of their chest, not biting into their skin yet, just making them shudder while he talked. "And now I've gotten the free pass to fuck with you as much as I like," he chuckled, and AJ bit back the scream as he pressed down, the knife slicing into them, opening the skin on their stomach and making them tremble as pain blossomed and bloomed, radiating out all over their body. 

"I paid good money for this," Gabriel went on, slashing casually a few times before digging in again. Tears burned as they overflowed, streaming over AJ's cheeks and into the sides of their hair, the pain too much to even bother screaming anymore. "A hundred grand," Gabriel mused, slicing them methodically, thoughtfully, across their ribcage, blood welling up and weeping, covering their soft skin. "A hundred grand for you any way I like. Trouble is...you're too old and tired out for me to fuck. So I'm going to have to get my money's worth another way." 

AJ stared up at the ceiling, focusing on breathing through the shock and pain, trying their hardest to drift away, to think of nothing but Ezra and his kisses, his touches, his gentle, fierce, needy love. 

And then the bloody knife was at their throat and Gabriel was sitting back, reaching down to the side of the sofa. He picked up a bottle of whiskey and winked at AJ, then took the top off and chugged down a good measure. 

"Y'know," he said conversationally, swirling the dark liquid in the bottle. "I could have tolerated you getting old and, well, quite frankly,  _ fat, _ if you'd stayed obedient. But you decided to be a bratty, slutty little whore and fuck that piggish freak of yours," he went on, his voice getting nastier as he spoke, the snarl and bite back in his tone. "Yeah, that's right. Your lovely flatmate told Michael all about that, and then she told me. Apparently you thought she was out, and she couldn't help overhearing." 

AJ's heart dropped, but they didn't have much time to process this new revelation before Gabriel was tipping the bottle up, holding it high and causing the alcohol to splash over their chest and stomach, running into their fresh cuts. Screaming automatically, AJ writhed, their whole being overcome with pain. They couldn't think about anything else, they couldn't see, they couldn't hear, all they could feel was agony. 

Gabriel's voice cut through the fog, low and menacing, but not angry, not anymore. "Well, now I'm running for mayor, I can't spend all my time chasing around bratty whores who won't listen to me, can I? I'm supposed to be campaigning, not dealing with annoying little shits like you." 

More alcohol hit AJ's body and they jerked, whimpering, but managed to stay more alert this time, now that they were expecting the sheer, mind-numbing intensity of the pain. 

"You know, your father always hoped I'd make a man out of you, Anthony. And damn, did I try. I took you to football games, I played catch with you, I did all those things that, come to think of it, your dad should have done himself," he chuckled, then shook his head sadly, taking another drink from the bottle. "But it didn't fucking work, clearly. Apparently you like taking it up the ass more than you like football. I remember the first time I fingered you in my car, do you remember?" 

AJ tried not to, they really did, but the memory was far, far too vivid, burned into their mind. They'd trusted Gabriel growing up, they truly had. But he'd violated them just like everyone else, just a month or two after they'd first met their pimp. He'd picked them up off the street and reminisced about old times and fingered them in the backseat while his chauffeur drove them both to a shitty motel. They’d thought he was there to save them, that he’d take them home, that he’d help them explain to their parents and everything would be okay, but no. Of course not. 

"I remember just how good you felt. I'd been waiting for years to open up that hole and fuck you properly, and you felt even better, even tighter than I ever fantasised." 

AJ's chest heaved, their head spinning, and the awful memory gave them a sudden burst of energy, a sharp, biting need to  _ get away. _ They scrambled quickly, managing to dislodge Gabriel enough to slide to the floor, the cold concrete shocking them on their bare skin as they tried to get up, tried to haul themself to their feet. But their legs weren't responding, their battered body too exhausted and pained and hopeless to move. 

Gabriel's shoe came down on their side, his heel pressing in hard, those fancy black leather shoes that probably cost hundreds of pounds all smeared with blood. AJ whimpered and tried to move, but the pressure was increasing, his ankle twisting from side to side as he ground into their ribs. They tried to grab at the smooth floor, to drag themself away, blinded with tears and exhaustion, and Gabriel chuckled, then suddenly stomped down sharply. 

The crack echoed in AJ's mind even as their mouth opened in a scream, agony flooding their vision with purple and white lights, barely registering their body being dragged up and thrown back onto the couch. Until more alcohol splashed over them and they were sobbing again, their body in shock, giving up on relaying every last bit of pain they were in as they just laid there, trying to remember how to breathe. 

Gabriel laughed. 

It was a horrible, gleeful laugh, and AJ thought for a second that they might vomit, their whole body feeling heavy and almost so far over the pain threshold as to be approaching numb from the other side. And then they felt cold against their nipple and managed to look down, blinking their tears away to see a pair of thick pliers gripping their nipple bar. AJ's eyes widened and they swallowed, and then whiskey was running down their skin again, making them jerk and shake, and Gabriel pulled the pliers back in one quick, harsh motion. AJ screamed again, the ripping sensation feeling even worse than the pain as every muscle in their body tensed for a moment, their back arching up off the couch. 

They collapsed and Gabriel purred in satisfaction, his voice low and almost gentle. 

"I'm sure you think that freak boyfriend of yours loves you, hmm? I'm sure he's told you he loves you. I bet you probably believe it," he went on, pressing his hand against their already-bruising ribs and making them gasp in pain. "But how could you possibly be that naive?" Gabriel asked slowly, his tone almost pitying now. "Do you really think someone could love something as disgusting as you? A tranny who can't even commit all the way, a stupid little whore who can't stop fucking every man who looks his way, even if he wanted to? Hmm?" 

AJ squeezed their eyes shut, holding on through the pain, holding onto that rock-solid certainty. Ezra loved them. He loved them just as much, possibly even more, than they loved him, and he would be there, at the end of this. They would make it through and he would hold them and kiss them and tell them everything he loved about them until they fell asleep safe and sound in their bed. 

Gabriel emptied the last of the liquor over AJ's chest and stomach, and they screamed to let the pain out, even though their mind was fixed on Ezra. 

~ 

Ezra pressed himself closer into Anathema as Newt hung up the phone, running her hand down Ezra's back. 

"They're sending a car straightaway," she soothed, and Ezra choked back a sob, an idea occurring to him slowly, dawning on him as he clung to his friend. 

He gently began to break away from the hug, then moved quickly, turning and snatching the keys from her hand, his chest heaving, his heart pounding as he stepped past both women to the door. 

"Y-you can't stop me going!" He managed, his nostrils flaring as tears of terror and fury streamed down his cheeks, AJ's scream still replaying over and over in his mind. "I h-have to go!" 

Newt stepped forward and Ezra backed away, shaking, his panic-addled brain briefly forgetting that she was his friend and instead reading her height and width as a man about to attack him. Anathema took the chance to walk up to him and cupped his face in her hands. 

"Look at me, Ezra. I promise the cops will take care of them, okay? AJ is going to be okay," she assured him, and he sobbed again, shaking his head slowly. 

"Y-you d-don't know that! I have to go!" He whimpered, dropping the keys to the floor and shuddering. "I'll just call a c-cab! You can't stop me calling a cab!" He choked out, and Newt sighed, shifting her grip so she was hugging him instead of holding his arm. 

"Anathema, he has a point. We can't stop him unless we tie him down," she said quietly, and Anathema sighed, throwing her hands up in frustration, her own eyes swimming with tears. 

"Well, what am I supposed to do, then? Let him get stabbed?" 

"No," Newt answered more calmly, although her voice was trembling. "Let's drive him there. We can make sure he doesn't get hurt, if he's going to go there anyway, it should be with people and he shouldn't be driving." 

Anathema shook her head slightly, then bent down and picked up the keys. "Come on, Ezra," she murmured, sighing again heavily. "For the record, I think this is a bad idea, but I haven't got any better ones," she announced, and Newt let go of Ezra, except to steady him as he followed his friends out of the door, shaking in shock and relief. 

~

AJ struggled, barely keeping their nose above the dark waters of unconsciousness, the pain almost too much for them to breathe, every short, shallow inhale sending the agony skyrocketing. The only thing keeping them going, possibly even keeping them alive, was the thought of Ezra. The thought of being wrapped up in one of his hugs when this was all over, the thought of him telling them it was going to be okay. 

And then Gabriel was standing up off them, folding his arms over his chest as they looked up at him in confused disbelief, wondering if their mind had finally given in and abandoned them to hallucinations and fantasies. He grinned. 

"Go on, I'm done with you. Walk home," he said sharply, jerking his head towards the door on the other side of the room. AJ turned their eyes to look at it, then blinked sluggishly, hope stirring in their chest, forcing their muscles to obey. They managed to sit up, every inch of them sending agony radiating through their body. They just stared at Gabriel for a moment, assessing him, trying to figure out his intentions, then tried to bolt. 

Miraculously, their legs didn't give out instantly, and they managed to stand, even to take a few steps forward, until Gabriel's hand closed around their throat, fingers digging into their flesh. 

"Wrong answer," he said cheerfully, and stomped on AJ's ankle. Once again, AJ heard the crack and screamed, nearly collapsing, their chest heaving, their vision going dark. Gabriel slapped them, hard, and they blinked shakily, just as he threw them down onto the couch. They landed on their sore, probably broken ribs and cried out, just as Gabriel moved to straddle them, ripping the makeshift gag from their mouth and wrapping both his hands around their throat. AJ's eyes widened and they took a deep breath in, just as he squeezed. 

They didn't last long at all, not with the agony throbbing all the way up their leg, the horrid feeling that their foot wasn't exactly pointing the right way, and the accumulating effects of their blood loss. The world spun, their lungs burned, and they passed out. 

For a moment, AJ could hear Ezra's voice, soft, sounding as if it was coming from beside them. 

_ "It's alright, sweetheart. It's alright. My beautiful little magpie." _

And then the cold water hit, icy and shocking, pouring over their face and causing them to gasp for air as they came around again, chest heaving once more. As their consciousness flooded back, so did the pain, and the realisation that Gabriel was leaning over them again, his eyes as cold as the water he'd just tipped over them. He sat back slightly, and AJ’s eyes widened as they realised he had his hand around his hard cock, the tip shiny with pre as he smiled slightly. “Look at you, bleeding all pretty for me, hmm? At least you still bleed like a good little whore. Now, tell me who you love," he said quietly, but firmly, his voice going from sickly sweet to sharp and snappish in an instant. “Tell me, and I’ll let up.” 

AJ considered this for a moment, then spat in his face, a short-lived little burst of satisfaction flaring in their chest as he blinked in shock, wiping their saliva from his eye. Then fury overcame the surprise and he punched them full in the face, blood spilling into their mouth as their head tipped back, his hands immediately around their throat again. This time, though, Gabriel didn't press so hard, causing them to gasp and jerk for longer, their chest heaving as they tried to draw breath, their eyelids fluttering. Their vision began to fade and vanished altogether, leaving them feeling oddly warm and detached from themself. They couldn't hear Ezra this time, but they didn't feel panic; they didn't feel anything at all. 

Until the water. 

Gabriel tipped another iced glass of water over their face and AJ thought they were drowning for a split second, before full consciousness came rushing back and slammed into them, pain washing through them all over again. 

Gabriel was grinning this time, a dangerous, definitely not happy grin. It wasn't an expression AJ ever wanted to see again.

"Would you like to have another go?" He snarled, and AJ glared at him for a second, feeling the words in their heart, feeling what they could say and pulling it back, keeping it for themself. And Ezra.

"I hate you," they croaked instead, their throat already sore and raspy, but their voice strong despite their terror. They weren't going to let Gabriel ruin their words all over again, not this time. 

Gabriel's lip twitched in contempt, and then the knife appeared, pressing against their throat. "Then shut the fuck up, and die already," he snapped, and AJ froze, their eyes widening in surprise, their whole body filling with cold dread. 

He just laughed, shaking his head, the knife moving down, the tip tapping against their chest lightly. "Why do you look so shocked, little whore? Hmm? What did you think I was going to do? I can’t have you running around loose, I need to properly dispose of my worn-out toys," he grinned, the point of the knife pressing down, biting into their skin. 

AJ closed their eyes and went limp, giving up, despair flooding through them as tears welled up, tears of a different kind of pain. They would die without having told Ezra how much they loved him. How every day they got to spend with him was better than the last, how they trusted him with everything, even their life, how they wanted to spend every day with him for the rest of their existence. They wouldn't get to tell him, and the knowledge of their love would go with them to the grave. 

The hot tears fell, and AJ passed out from pain as they felt the knife slowly sinking in. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, I'm sorry this one was so intense and such a cliffhanger, I promise I'll be getting the next one up tomorrow, but it'll probably be a bit later in the evening because I'm out for a lot of the day. I guess I won't ask if you enjoyed this one, but I hope you'll let me know what you think! <3<3<3


	37. Chapter Thirty Seven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains panic, injury detail and blood, police and ambulances, hospital, transphobia in the media.

"Jesus fucking Christ, could you go any fucking slower!" Ezra screamed from the backseat, his hands shaking, his chest heaving as he clung to the seat, nails digging into the fabric. 

"Ezra, there's traffic, am I supposed to just drive  _ through _ the cars?" Anathema snapped, exasperated, and Ezra growled in frustration, burying his face in his hands as Newt turned in her seat, facing back to rub his knee gently. He felt like slapping the hand away, bristling with anger and fear and guilt, but he didn't. 

Underneath it all, he couldn't deny that it did feel good to be touched, even if it wasn't all that comforting. 

The car braked again and Ezra muttered a curse into the palms of his hands, tears spilling down his cheeks as he threw himself back in his seat, trying to breathe and failing. 

"There must still be traffic from that stupid Prime Minister visit or whatever," Anathema said quietly, clearly trying to make conversation. 

"I wonder if it means the police are quite busy," Newt answered, and there was a brief, tense silence before Anathema sighed. 

"I'm not sure that was the best thing to bring up right now, Newt," she mumbled, and Ezra slid his hands into his hair, curling his fingers, his breath coming fast and shallow as his mind took him through all the awful possibilities. 

"Sorry," Newt murmured, then turned again, her hand once again on Ezra's knee. "Deep breaths, in for three, okay? There you go, much better," she soothed, and Ezra did his best to follow her direction, the tears still cascading down his cheeks unbidden. "We're going to get there, I promise. It's going to be okay." 

Anathema finally broke free from the traffic and sped down an empty road, relief pouring through Ezra, too strong for him to feel even a tiny stirring of fear about being in a car. His mind was wholly focused on AJ and nothing else, hope welling up delicate and needy as Anathema kept driving, following the instructions from Newt's phone until Ezra looked up and saw the lights from the familiar building. 

His hands shook, his body tensed, and he unbuckled his seatbelt as Anathema turned into the car park. She found a parking space and drove into it, but Ezra was already flinging the door open and jumping out, hitting the ground running before the car could even come to a full stop. 

Ezra didn't think at all, he simply bolted for the back entrance, slamming the door open and finding himself in the storage room right at the back of the club. He tried to think, hands shaking by his sides, then darted out of the room and into the corridor. One look and he saw the door standing open a little way forward, and he knew. He didn't know how he knew, but his stomach dropped when he saw that door, the way it hung open, and he ran. 

As soon as Ezra was in the room, he was sobbing. It was empty apart from a couch, a discarded bottle, a whole lot of blood, and AJ. 

They were sprawled naked on the couch, one arm dangling, their fingers dripping red onto the floor, and Ezra gave a little cry, rushing forward and bruising his knees on the concrete as he dropped in front of his love. 

He could see their chest rising and falling ever so slightly, relief flooding through him briefly, until he saw the knife wound. 

There was far too much blood to tell how deep it went into their chest, but he could still see fresh red welling up, so he grabbed the scraps of fabric around them and wadded them against AJ's chest, pressing down hard. His hands shook and he couldn't breathe between his sobs, but he knew he had to keep pushing, he had to hold them together. 

"Please please please _ please," _ he begged incoherently, eyes fixed on their face, on their swollen lip and blood-smeared skin. His tears were soaking the front of his own shirt, but he didn't notice. He couldn't see anything except AJ, he couldn't hear the shouting in the club, the sound of heavy boots. He was far too focused on keeping that pressure, and watching AJ breathe. 

Until a hand closed around his arm and tried to pull him away. He jerked back, leaning over AJ protectively, not daring to look away from them, even for a second. 

"I need two ambulances!" Someone was shouting, the sounds of radios and people moving all still background noise in Ezra's little bubble. 

"Sir, please step away, he needs urgent medical-" 

"Wait!" 

That was a voice Ezra recognised - Anathema's, but still he didn't dare turn around. AJ's breath seemed to be getting shallower, their face paler, and he was far too busy begging them to stay with him to care about anything else. 

"He's their partner! Please don't hurt him!" She cried, and the voice close to Ezra seemed to get a little further away. 

"Don't worry, ma'am, we've called for ambulances." 

Ezra felt a hand in his hair, felt someone kneel beside him, hands coming up to help him, pressing more fabric to the cuts on AJ's stomach. 

"I'm here, Ez. They're going to be okay," Anathema murmured, and Ezra just pressed harder, tears streaming down his cheeks. 

He had no idea how long he knelt there, pressing as hard as he could, knowing that if he let up, they could die. It could have been seconds or years, he was far too preoccupied to care.

But eventually, he was firmly pushed out of the way, paramedics leaning over AJ, lifting them onto a stretcher, running. Ezra scrambled up and stumbled, tried to follow, his whole being knowing he should be beside them, but another paramedic pulled him back gently, but firmly. 

"Hey, we need to check you over," she announced quickly and Anathema was suddenly on Ezra's other side, grabbing his hand. 

"No, I need to go-" Ezra choked out hurriedly, his whole body shaking, but the paramedic cut him off quietly. 

"He's going straight to surgery and it's going to be at least a few hours, okay? You have plenty of time for me to take a look at you and still get to the hospital, okay? I promise," she soothed, gently starting to lead him out of the building. 

By the time they reached the car park, there was only one ambulance, so the paramedic helped Ezra up into it and had him sit down, starting to wipe the blood off his skin carefully. Another paramedic stood outside with Anathema, helping her remove the blood as well, while Ezra shook and cried, staring at nothing. 

"Ezra? Ezra, look at me," the paramedic insisted quietly, and Ezra dragged his gaze up to hers dully, blinking when a light shone into his eyes. "Are you on any medication? Any prescription or recreational drugs?" 

He frowned and tried to look away from the light, a hand on his jaw preventing him from turning his head. "I'm on PrEP and sustanon," he managed slowly, just as the light switched off, leaving dark spots in his vision. "But no...no other drugs." 

"Good, that's good. Your name is Ezra Fell, is that correct?" 

"Yeah," he mumbled, wiping his cheeks and blinking slowly, his hands shaking uncontrollably, his whole body feeling oddly numb. "I...I don't.." he began to cry again softly and the paramedic sighed. 

"He's not hurt," she said to someone else, and Ezra felt a blanket being drawn around his shoulders. "He's just in shock."

"Can I sit with him?" Anathema asked quietly, and the paramedic nodded, moving out of the way so Anathema could climb up and sit beside Ezra. She took his hand in both of hers, rubbing lightly as he looked up at her shakily. 

"I...I'm scared," he murmured, and she nodded, her eyes shiny with tears as she forced a smile. 

"Me too. It's okay to be scared, Ez. I promise. But AJ is in the best hands now, okay? And you took care of them as best you could. Newt is talking to the police right now, so I might have to go give a statement in a minute. They'll probably want to talk to you," she added softly, squeezing his hand tightly. "But you don't have to if you don't feel up to it, okay?" 

Ezra managed a nod, drawing his blanket tighter around himself and just looking down at Anathema's hands wrapped around his. "Is it...is it my fault? Could I have done more?" He rasped, having to force each word, his eyes filling with tears all over again. 

Anathema simply hugged him, pulling him tight and cradling the back of his head just like the way AJ always did. "Of course not, Ezra," she said gently, squeezing him as she sniffled. "I know you love them so, so much, and the only person who should be blamed for this is that awful Gabriel, okay? Although I'm not sure he counts as a person, after that," she added, almost as if to herself, her arms tightening around Ezra. "There's nothing you could have done." 

Ezra squeezed his eyes shut and just leaned into her, his stiff, trembling fingers curling in the back of her shirt. He didn't trust himself to say anything else, so he simply sat there and soaked up the comfort, allowing himself just a few moments to breathe and collect himself. 

Eventually, though, Anathema began to pull away, and Ezra let her go, his hands dropping back into his lap as she sat back beside him. 

"It's going to be okay," she said gently, and he managed a shaky smile, just as a tall woman tailed by a couple of uniformed cops walked over, smiling at Ezra. 

"Ezra? I'm Detective Luna Jeffries," she announced, her thick, dark hair pulled back in a single neat puff at the back of her head, her smile seeming friendly and genuine. "Would you mind if I asked you some questions?" 

Ezra shook his head slightly and Anathema gently helped him to sit in the back doorway of the ambulance, his legs dangling while she slipped out to stand beside him, holding his hand gently. The detective opened her notebook, and Ezra noticed the very light freckles on her cheeks, barely noticeable on her rich brown skin, and nearly lost it. He couldn't stop thinking about AJ, about the way those freckles seemed to glow when they laughed, and he nearly gagged as he realised that when he'd last seen them, their freckles had been hidden by the blood. 

"Ezra?" Anathema murmured, and he blinked, swallowing and realising he must have missed a question. 

"Sorry?" 

"I was just asking for your full name and age," Detective Jeffries asked quietly, and Ezra looked down quickly, taking a few deep breaths. 

"Ezra Fell and I'm twenty three," he answered, and she made a note, drawing a line under his name. 

"Okay, Ezra. Newt has already told me what happened, he said that AJ is your partner?" 

Ezra nodded, rubbing the side of his face and still not quite meeting the detective's gaze. "Yeah, that's right. Um...I'm not sure how long we've been together, but...it's...serious," he mumbled, trying to think of anything that might be relevant. "They use 'they' pronouns and their full name is Anthony James O'Donahue, but they prefer AJ," he added quickly. 

"That's great information, thank you," Detective Jeffries smiled, nodding at Ezra encouragingly. "Now can you just tell me what happened tonight? Feel free to take your time, okay?" 

Ezra nodded, and took a deep breath, then glanced at Anathema, who just smiled soothingly. "Um. AJ is...they're a sex worker, um...they used to have this one client called Gabriel, I don't know his last name. He used to cut them with a knife and all kinds of stuff, strangle them as well. Um.." Ezra took a deep, shaky breath. "He wasn't happy about me being with them, he wanted them to himself, and...and they went to hospital for a night recently because they have HIV and they got sick," he went on doggedly, despite the fact that his hands were trembling and he was once again blinded by tears. "I took care of them for a bit, they took two weeks off work and told their boss they wouldn't be seeing Gabriel anymore. A-and then um...well, tonight was their first night back at work - they um...they dance at a club somewhere else. Because of what happened before, I...I had them install this panic app on their phone, so they could contact me easily if they were in trouble, and they called me through the app while they were in the car. I think they put it under the seat or something, I could hear some kind of conversation," he mumbled, trailing off for a minute and just rubbing the side of his nose as he tried to calm down, Anathema's hand on his shoulder. 

"I used to work here, as a bartender," Ezra went on after the short break, taking a deep breath as he gestured to the building. "And I saw where the car was headed to and I remembered it was owned by someone named Gabriel and kind of...figured it out," he mumbled, looking down. "I called the police and we drove here, I came in through the back entrance like I used to when I worked here, and...and I...I-I found them, in that room," he choked, images flashing up of AJ limp and lifeless, blood everywhere. "I tried to...to give them first aid, a-and then the police came," he finished shakily, and Anathema's hand slid into his, squeezing tightly. 

"I'm really sorry to hear about all you and your partner have gone through," the detective said quietly, her voice soft and genuine, her eyes worried. "You probably saved their life tonight, making sure the police came and tracking them here. Can I see the app on your phone, please?" 

Ezra nodded, a little confused, but tugging his phone out of his pocket and unlocking it. He opened the app and handed it to her, watching a bit defensively as she began to look through it.

"Well, good news and bad news," she announced quietly, glancing up at Ezra with a tiny smile. "Good news is that this app records phone calls, so we can take a look and see if there's anything worthwhile in the call and if we have Gabriel's last location before AJ's phone died. Which means the bad news is that I need your phone for evidence," she sighed, and Ezra nodded, feeling Anathema's fingers squeezing his gently. 

"Of course, take it," Ezra said quickly, flashing a tiny smile. "That's good news." 

Detective Jeffries smiled back at him and waved a uniformed officer over, handing him the phone to be bagged as evidence before turning back to Ezra. "Thank you for talking to me, I'll let you get to the hospital for now. I will almost certainly have more questions to ask you later, and here's my card in case you need anything, okay?" 

"Thank you," Ezra managed, forcing another smile and taking the proffered card before watching her walk away. 

"She seemed nice," Anathema commented quietly, just as Newt jogged over, looking worried. 

"Are you two going to the hospital, then?" She asked, and Anathema glanced over her shoulder. 

"Yeah, I think we're going in the ambulance. Could you maybe run home and grab some stuff and then meet us there?" She suggested, offering Newt her keys. 

"Of course," Newt nodded, taking the keys and flashing Ezra a sympathetic look. "I'll see you guys soon, okay? It's going to be okay, Ezra." 

The trip to the hospital was thankfully fairly short, and it wasn't long before Ezra was hurrying over to the front desk. 

"I'm here for Anthony O'Donahue," he rushed out quickly, and the nurse nodded. 

"Your name, please?" 

"Ezra Fell, I'm their partner," he said, just as Anathema walked up behind him, rubbing his back lightly as the nurse tapped a few keys on her keyboard. 

"I'm afraid his only emergency contacts are his parents. I can't tell anyone other than them anything about his condition." 

Ezra felt all his energy drain away in one go, his hands sliding off the desk, his gaze going blank. Anathema thanked the receptionist quietly and gently began to lead Ezra over to the chairs, guiding him to sit down and quickly taking the seat next to him. Shaking, Ezra buried his face in his hands, and Anathema hugged him tightly, squeezing him to her chest as he began to cry ever so quietly. 

He felt deflated - there was nothing else he could do. He was at the hospital, AJ was in surgery, and there was nothing left for him to do. It felt  _ awful.  _ He wanted to do something, he felt like he needed to help somehow, but there was nothing. 

Anathema rubbed his back slowly, not saying anything, just sitting there, being with him. He felt like such a mess, still covered in blood stains and unable to stop crying, but Anathema helped. Being held made him at least feel human. 

After an indefinite amount of time, Ezra heard hurried footsteps and looked up hopefully to see Marcus, the nurse from the last time AJ had been in hospital. He flashed a worried smile and stopped in front of Ezra, clearing his throat. 

"I'm really sorry, I still can't tell you anything, but I just heard that you were here and I thought I ought to come over," he said quickly, biting his lip before continuing. "Um...you guys can stay as long as you like, really, and I'm sure that as soon as AJ wakes up, they'll be asking for you," he smiled worriedly, and Anathema nodded slightly. 

"Thank you," she said softly, ruffling Ezra's hair gently. "We're still in shock a bit." 

"That's normal," Marcus agreed, then glanced behind him. "I should get back to work, I just wanted you to know that I'm aware you're here and you've not been forgotten." 

"Thanks," Anathema smiled wanly, and Marcus nodded awkwardly before hurrying away again, just as Newt appeared with a shopping bag, smiling worriedly as she hurried over. 

"Hey guys, I brought some stuff," she announced, and Anathema nodded, gently pulling away from Ezra to take the bag. She rummaged through it and pulled out a loose t-shirt and some sweatpants, then kissed Newt on the cheek and stood up, gently dragging at Ezra's arm. 

"Come on, you need to change," she urged gently, and Ezra sighed, stumbling to his feet. 

"What if-" 

"You won't miss anything," Anathema soothed, steadying him with an arm around his waist. "Come on, let's go get you changed," she murmured, starting to lead him towards the disabled bathroom. Ezra still staggered slightly, but managed to make it into the bathroom. Anathema followed him and closed the door behind her, locking it quickly. Ezra stared at her for a moment. 

"Oh, come on," Anathema chuckled, stepping forward to lift his bloodied shirt over his head. "It's nothing I haven't seen before, and you don't have to take your underwear off," she smiled, and Ezra managed a tiny answering smile, letting her strip off the shirt and slipping the fresh one on in its place. 

"That's it," she smiled, rubbing his side gently. "You're okay," she soothed, steadying Ezra as he pulled his trousers off, kicking them away. Anathema helped him with the clean ones, pulling the elasticated cuffs over his shoes and letting him tug them up himself. "There. All clean," she announced softly, and Ezra let out a slow breath, looking at her. It hit him all at once - she had blood stains on her shirt as well. 

"Anathema, you-" 

"I'm fine, it's not mine," she said quickly, and Ezra shook his head, suddenly feeling dizzy. 

"HIV," he managed, and Anathema blinked, then frowned. 

"I'll ask a nurse or something," she soothed, gently guiding him to the sink to wash his hands. "They'll give me the post-exposure stuff, it's okay." 

Ezra relaxed slightly and nodded, washing his hands shakily, three times, just to be safe. Once he was done, Anathema gently led him back to the waiting room, sitting him down next to Newt and taking the seat on his other side. Newt dug around in her bag and pulled out a chocolate bar, offering it to Ezra, who shook his head slightly. 

"You should have some sugar, it's good for the shock," she insisted gently, and he sighed, looking down. 

"I don't feel like eating." 

"I know," Anathema cut in gently, rubbing his knee lightly. "But AJ would be worried about you too," she pointed out softly, taking his hand and squeezing it. "They'd want you to eat and be okay." 

"I know that, I just...feel sick," Ezra sighed, and Newt placed the bar in his lap. 

"Just try a square," she encouraged gently. "Just a little bit to start with." 

Ezra sighed again, but did as he was told, managing to take a bite of the chocolate. Newt handed him a bottle of water as well, and Anathema leaned her head on his shoulder, hugging his arm while he ate. 

He managed to finish the bar, realising halfway through that he was actually quite hungry, and drank a good amount of the water, just as two people hurried into the room, going straight to the front desk. 

The man was tall and imposing, wearing dark jeans and a tucked-in button up shirt, but the woman was dressed as if she was ready to go to church. Her dress was styled like something from the 50's, and the white cardigan she wore over the top was so blindingly pure that Ezra felt it would stain if he looked at it for too long, not to mention the high heels that wouldn't have looked out of place at a wedding. She'd even apparently had time to curl her hair and put on some earrings, despite the fact that it was just past three in the morning. 

Ezra wasn't particularly trying to listen in on their conversation, but it was honestly difficult not to. The man said something to the receptionist and she replied, at which point the woman interrupted, her voice shrill and snarky, grating on every one of Ezra's already stretched nerves. 

"What do you mean I can't see my son?" She snapped, throwing her hands up and almost dropping her designer handbag. "This is ridiculous, do you know who I am? I-" 

"Yes, Mrs. O'Donahue, your name is in the system," the receptionist pointed out calmly, having to raise her voice to gently surf it over the woman's. "And your son is still in surgery, you'll be able to see him as soon as he's finished." 

Ezra stiffened slightly and Anathema squeezed his hand, stroking her thumb over his skin slowly as the woman turned haughtily and marched towards the chairs. The man gave the nurse a stern look. 

"I think you need to get a better attitude for dealing with distressed parents," he said sharply, then walked away, as Mrs. O'Donahue sat down in a seat very carefully, as if trying to make sure that as little of her actually touched the chair as possible. Ezra glared at her openly. 

"They threw AJ out when they came out," he murmured, his voice low, his anger dulled by his emotional exhaustion. "They threw them out to starve and die." 

"Fuck them," Newt muttered, taking Ezra's other hand and holding it tightly. "You're here for them and that's what matters, at the end of the day." 

"Yeah, his real family," Anathema agreed quietly, then sighed. "I feel like I should call Mrs. Tracy, but it feels too late," she mumbled, and Newt gave a small shrug. 

"No harm in trying once, I suppose." 

"AJ really loves her," Ezra commented quietly, coming back to life enough to look down at the floor. "I...I miss them," he whimpered, and Newt hugged him quickly, just as Anathema put her phone to her ear. Ezra buried his face in the unfamiliar shoulder and Newt squeezed him gently, rubbing up and down his back with one hand. 

"Hey...um, I'm really sorry to be calling so late," Anathema said suddenly, and Ezra gently pulled away from Newt to listen. "Um...AJ is in the hospital, they um...well, they got taken by a client and he...we think he tried to kill them." 

There was a long silence and then Anathema sighed. "Yeah. We don't know anything yet, we just know they're in surgery. It's been a couple hours now, since they were brought here, so we've probably got a good while to go...yeah, let me just ask."

Anathema turned to Ezra, offering him the phone, and he took it shakily, pressing it to his ear with a trembling hand. "Hello?" 

"Oh, hello dear," Mrs. Tracy answered gently, her voice much more soothing than Ezra had expected. "How are you feeling?" 

"N-not good," he mumbled, dragging his hand down his face. "I was um...first on the scene, they...they'd been stabbed in the chest," he sniffed, the emotion welling up again as he tried to breathe through the pain. "I'm really scared." 

"I don't blame you, dear," Mrs. Tracy sighed sympathetically. "I had a similar situation with a friend who got hurt many, many years ago. It wasn't as bad, but I remember being very frightened. But all you can do is be there and care, really. Someone has to, at the end of the day." 

"Their parents are here, and they're the only people allowed to know what's going on," Ezra muttered, shooting the O'Donahues a look. 

"My advice is to keep your distance," Mrs. Tracy said quietly. "It's going to be tempting to confront them, but it's best to just not talk to them. Emotions are running high at the moment, and unnecessary drama is just painful without reason. They're arseholes and that's not going to change anytime soon." 

Ezra managed a tiny smile and nodded slightly. "Yeah, you're right. I just...I wish I could do something, y'know?" 

"You are, you're being there and you're caring about them, and that's a very important job," Mrs. Tracy soothed. "And it'll give you time to prepare for comforting them." 

"It's just hard to sit here," Ezra mumbled, looking down at his lap. "I feel useless." 

"Then do something. It doesn't matter what. Knit them a scarf, draw them a picture, write a card. There are so many things you can do, if you feel doing something would help. It doesn't have to be big." 

"Yeah, I'll try," he answered quietly, rubbing his eyes and glancing at Anathema, who smiled at him. "I should probably let you go, I'll um...pass you back to Anathema." 

"Alright, dear. Call me anytime you need anything, and let me know as soon as you hear anything." 

"Will do, thank you. Goodbye," Ezra murmured, then handed the phone back to Anathema, just as the O'Donahues began to make a fuss again. 

It wasn't clear what had started it, but the man - it had to be Patrick - was on the phone, shouting something, only snippets of which Ezra could catch.

"This bloody hospital! They can't tell us anything and the police are nowhere to be found, of course... _ what?  _ Are you serious?" He bellowed, apparently outraged about something. Mrs. O'Donahue was trying to calm him down, but he just brushed her off, his voice sharp and clipped. "That  _ can't  _ be true! No! I am not going to stand for this, you need to fix this  _ right now!  _ No son of mine would be caught in a place like that, don't you dare let this get out, I don't care what it takes!" 

He hung up violently and shoved his phone back into his pocket, still bristling, and a nurse hurried over, looking worried and uncertain. 

"Sir, if you could keep the noise down, that would-" 

But he was already off on a tirade about how he owned half the city and could probably buy the whole hospital, and Ezra could see a couple people filming on their phones. He didn't think much of it at the time, except to glare at the O'Donahues poisonously in the hopes that they might spontaneously implode. 

Eventually - although Ezra would have much rather he'd imploded - Patrick shut up and things quietened down, so Anathema just pulled Ezra into a hug, squeezing him lightly as he rested her head on his shoulder. Despite everything, despite his worry and his fear, Ezra succumbed to his utter exhaustion and fell asleep, his body desperate to recover. 

Ezra woke with a jolt, glancing around in confusion. Anathema was talking to the nurse at reception, but Newt was still sitting beside him, watching Netflix on her phone. Leaning forward, Ezra dragged his hands down his face, giving a soft groan just as Anathema hurried back to him. 

"Ez? Some good news," she said quickly, and he stood up abruptly, his eyes wide, his mouth opening to say something. "They're not awake yet," Anathema winced, shaking her head slightly. "Probably shouldn't have paused so much. But their father went to work and they're out of surgery, their mother went in to sit with them about two hours ago." 

Ezra looked away sharply, his jaw clenching as rage flowed through him, his nails biting into his palms as he curled his fingers. "Fuck's sake," he muttered, and Anathema sighed, pulling him into a quick hug. 

"I know, Ez. I know. But they'll wake up soon, and then you'll get to see them," she pointed out quietly, running her hand up and down his back. "How about we go on a walk? It's about ten, you should have some breakfast." 

"I'm not-" 

"It doesn't matter whether you're hungry or not," Anathema cut him off sharply, a smile in her tone. "You have to eat, I'm not letting you starve, okay? Let's go find something." 

"But what if-" Ezra tried again, but didn't get any further. 

"Newt will text me if there's any news, okay? My phone is on ringer, I'll hear it," she soothed, gently pulling away from the hug and grabbing his arm instead. "Come on, it's a really short walk to the coffee shop and the store." 

Ezra sighed, but nodded, glancing at Newt before reluctantly following Anathema out of A&E and down the corridor. She took his hand as they walked, squeezing tightly, and flashed him a small smile. 

"Are you feeling any better for some sleep?" 

"Not really," he admitted quietly, wincing as his stiff hip protested the increase in movement after sitting in an uncomfortable, barely padded chair all night. "I just feel like I'm in limbo until I get to see them, y'know?" 

"I get it," she sighed softly, guiding him through the maze of corridors and helping him step out of the way of someone pushing a cleaning cart. "It feels a bit like...well, not quite like reality when you're waiting for someone in the hospital," she murmured, her voice heavy. Ezra glanced at her and she smiled sadly, shaking her head slightly. "This isn't my first rodeo, hmm?" 

Ezra forced a smile and she returned it shakily. "I'm sorry, I never realised-" 

"It wasn't your fault," Anathema soothed quickly, her fingers tightening on his hand. "And at least your parents would talk to me, even if I didn't get to go sit with you right away. But we were all really scared." 

"I wish I didn't know how scared," Ezra sighed, and she nodded. 

"Me too. Here, let's go in the shop first, yeah?" She suggested as they reached the hospital's main entrance and the little newsagents and cafe. Ezra just followed her obediently, allowing her to force him to pick out something for breakfast and trying not to think too hard about eating. Just the thought was making him feel sick, but at the end of the day, he knew she and Newt were right - he had to take care of himself. 

Anathema grabbed something for herself and Newt as well, and a few bottles of water, dumping it all on the counter with a rushed apology to the clerk. He just smiled and Ezra glanced around disinterestedly, until a headline from a local newspaper caught his eye. 

_ Lost transsexual son of local magnate found stabbed in a gay bar!  _

The exclamation point was just insult to injury, making it seem like a point of interest, nothing more than a little bit of hot gossip instead of the tragedy it was. It poked fun at the near loss of life, almost seeming to taunt Ezra, to suggest to him that the writers wouldn't really have cared if AJ had died on the scene, or worse - they thought it would have made a 'better story.'

He felt his breath hitch, his chest stuttering, and the warmth of tears flowing down his cheeks, just as Anathema glanced behind her, then followed Ezra's line of sight. 

"Oh, for  _ fuck's _ sake," she muttered, paying quickly, scooping up the bag, and grabbing Ezra's wrist. She towed him out of the newsagents and straight past the coffee shop, her skirt swishing around her ankles as she marched along the corridor. 

Ezra had to jog a step or two to keep up, struggling to wipe the tears off his cheeks, and Anathema slowed the pace slightly, grabbing his hand again. 

"Sorry, sorry," she mumbled, squeezing gently. "I didn't want you reading anything," she added with a sigh. "Newt brought tissues, we'll grab some and go sit outside, okay? Some fresh air and sunshine will do us both good." 

Ezra just nodded, no longer having the strength to argue, all the fight drained out of him as he stumbled along, feeling like a puppet with its strings cut. 

As soon as they reached A&E, Newt stood up, looking worried, her eyes wide. 

"There's an article-" she began, but Anathema dumped the shopping on the seat beside her and quickly grabbed the bag she'd brought from home. 

"I know, we saw it in the newsagents," she muttered, grabbing a pack of tissues and Ezra's breakfast. "We're going to sit outside for a few minutes, we'll be back." 

"Oh, um...okay," Newt nodded, sitting down again worriedly, watching Ezra as Anathema gently grabbed him again and began to lead him to the door. 

It didn't take them long to find the way outside, and Anathema led him away from the entrance a bit, finding a low wall to sit on. Ezra threw himself down and buried his face in his hands, shaking ever so slightly. 

"How...how did they find out?" 

"Probably that stupid man yelling constantly," Anathema sighed, sitting beside him slowly and starting to rub his back. "It's ridiculous," she mumbled, and Ezra nodded, dropping his hands and sitting back slightly, staring at nothing as the tears slid down his cheeks. 

"What...what if they see it?" 

"AJ? Oh, Ezra, I don't know," Anathema murmured, reaching up and gently fixing his curls, then pressing a tissue into his hand. "We'll figure it out, though. We'll figure out how to tell them. They'll be okay."

Ezra managed a shaky smile, drying his cheeks as best he could. "They're always stronger than me," he choked out, and Anathema smiled sadly, taking another tissue out of the packet and dabbing at his chin. "I love them, y'know," he added, his voice trembling, and this time Anathema gave a soft laugh. 

"Yeah, I know," she smiled, her voice full of loving sympathy.

"I just...they always make me smile, always," Ezra mumbled, knowing he was rambling, but also feeling that he needed to ramble for once, he needed to let it all out as tears poured down his cheeks. "I love being with them, they're so funny and sweet and beautiful. I could just...I could cuddle and kiss them all day, I...I love them," he went on, his nostrils flaring as he forced down a sob. "I just...I always thought that...that I wouldn't get to have this with anyone. That I'd always have bad relationships a-and people would never be attracted to me and...and things wouldn't work out, but...AJ...I want a future with them. I know we haven't been together that long, but I...I was planning a future with them." 

Anathema hugged Ezra tightly, not trying to shush him, just letting him talk and be comforted as he clung to her gently. 

"I never thought I wanted to get married, but...AJ changes that," Ezra whimpered, unable to hold the sob back this time as his fingertips pressed into Anathema's skin through her shirt. "I c-can't imagine being without them anymore," he admitted breathlessly, and Anathema clutched him tighter, holding him as he swallowed another sob, forcing himself to breathe and stay calm. 

"It's going to be okay, Ezra," Anathema murmured, her own voice shaking slightly as she gently pulled away from him to cup his face in her hands. "I promise you." 

"You don't know that," Ezra sniffled, and she just sighed. 

"No, but them being out of surgery so soon is promising. And I know how strong they are, and that they have you to fight for. I'm sure they know that you're here for them to come back to," Anathema assured him softly, gently pulling him closer to kiss his forehead. "Now eat your breakfast, you're no use to anyone in this state," she smiled shakily, and Ezra forced an answering smile, the joke making things just a little easier as she handed him his breakfast. 

He sat there for a moment, just feeling the sun on his face, listening to the birds in the trees, and enjoying the light breeze. It was good to allow himself to be present for a while, outside of that odd altered reality of waiting. After a minute or two, Ezra picked up his food and began to unwrap it carefully. 

Anathema smiled at him and kissed his cheek. 

"It's going to be okay." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys!   
> I am sooooo sorry for making you worried! I promise I'm okay, just dealing with a lot right now (both good and bad - my housemate/best friend is having a Bad Time right now but I also unexpectedly ended up going on a couple of really gay dates that totaled about 12 hours lol so I've just been so tired and completely forgot to update!) As an apology I'll update twice today, I just have some more edits to make on 38 before I put it up, once I finally have a bit more attention span.   
> Thank you so much for checking on me, I was really feeling the love from you guys, but again I promise I'm okay, just a bit overwhelmed at the moment :) I'll try to get some more edits done today as well while I have time so it's easier to get the next few up on time! I'll know more by the time I put the next chapter up though so I'll put that in the notes as to whether the next chapters will be on time or not. Also I know at least one person was looking for a way to contact me - my inbox is always open on any of the contacts in my profile for anything you want to ask me just for future reference! :)   
> ♡♡♡♡♡


	38. Chapter Thirty Eight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter includes: hospital, transphobia from family members, brief racism, pain and illness (uncontrollable coughing related to injuries).

The first thing AJ registered was noise. There was a lot of noise. Beeping, footsteps, the swishing of fabric, someone talking in the distance, the sound of metal tapping against metal. It seemed to be endless, and it was making their head hurt. 

Their mouth was dry and tasted like death, their body oddly numb and achy at the same time, but they could feel a hand in theirs, warm. Something was tickling their face, rubbing against the bottom of their nose, but they didn't have the strength to try to push it away. 

It took them a while to remember they had eyes, and even longer to finally get them open, blinking in the bright white light of the room, squinting against its intensity. 

Another noise layered on top of the rest - a gasp from the side of the bed. AJ turned their head sluggishly, their skull feeling as if it was under pressure, and blinked at the woman standing over them. She was familiar, but it was a face they hadn't seen in a long, long time. 

"Anthony?" 

AJ frowned. This wasn't right. They were in hospital, that much was obvious, but something felt very wrong. 

"Ez.." AJ forced out, their muscles unresponsive, their throat sore and raw. "Ezra." 

Their mother - Catherine, they could remember her name, at least - blinked. "Ez?" She echoed uncertainly, and AJ tried to look around, fear jolting through them. They didn't want to be here without him, they  _ hated  _ hospitals, they couldn't imagine being without him. 

"Ezra? Wherezzra?" They choked out, their words coming out distorted and quiet.

"Nurse?" Catherine called, leaning away from AJ briefly before putting her hand on their forehead and smiling down at them in a sickly sweet way. "Don't worry, the nurse will come help you speak properly," she soothed, and if AJ hadn't been so completely exhausted, they might have found the energy to hate her. 

A face appeared above them, another familiar face, and Marcus smiled down at them. 

"Hey, AJ! Welcome back to the world," he grinned, taking their other hand and giving it a light squeeze. They grabbed at him shakily, clinging tight as Catherine looked at him. 

"His name is Anthony," she said sharply, then waved a hand in a frustrated gesture. "And he keeps slurring, there must be something wrong with his brain or something." 

Marcus frowned slightly and rubbed his other hand over the back of AJ's gently. "What's going on, AJ?" He murmured, and they winced, trying to sit up before being gently pushed back by Marcus's large hand on their frail chest.

"Ezra!" AJ repeated quietly, too tired to try anything else. They knew what they wanted, and they wanted it  _ now.  _ "Wherezzra?"

"Ezra? He's in the waiting room," Marcus nodded, squeezing their hand again, still being careful with them. "You want me to go get him for you?" AJ almost teared up in relief, nodding quickly as Marcus smiled. 

"I'll be right back, he'll be absolutely over the moon to see you," he announced, and AJ relaxed as he hurried off, staring after him in the hopes that waiting attentively would make Ezra appear faster. 

"That idiot nurse keeps getting your name wrong," Catherine muttered, then gave AJ a sharp look that they pointedly ignored. "And who's Ezra?" 

As if in answer to her question, AJ heard running feet in the hallways, and then Ezra was skidding to a stop beside their bed, just staring at them wide eyed for a moment before bursting into tears and throwing himself at them. AJ tensed for pain, but Ezra was far too careful and gentle for that, one of his hands on their cheek, bumping against the oxygen tube under their nose as he sobbed into their chest. Shaking Catherine's hand off them, AJ grabbed at Ezra desperately, their own tears streaming down their cheeks as they slid a hand into his fluffy curls, their fingers tightening. Their need to see Ezra morphed into something else, a burning, incessant urgency, words lining up on their tongue as they gently tugged at him. 

"Ezra! I n-need to tell you.." they gasped out, and he pulled away immediately, still crying as he cupped their jaw in his hands delicately, forcing a smile through his tears. 

"I'm listening, sweetheart. I'm right here," he soothed, and AJ whimpered, grabbing at his wrists and holding them tightly. 

"I love you!" They rushed out all in one go, the words coming out easily, firing themselves into the air in their desperation to be heard. Ezra just stared for a moment in shock, so AJ repeated themself more slowly, their tone still firm and confident, and Ezra's surprise slid away, replaced with a soft, loving smile. 

"I know," he said simply, leaning down and kissing their cheek lightly. "I know. I've known for a while, but I've been certain ever since that day we went to the bridge," he smiled, and AJ welcomed the tears of joy and relief that soaked their skin. "And I love you too, my beautiful little magpie," he added with a sniff, and AJ smiled even wider, his hands tangling in theirs as Marcus brought a chair over for Ezra. 

"I'm really sorry to interrupt," he said quietly, smiling at AJ, who just gave him a grateful look. "I need to ask you some questions, AJ." 

They nodded calmly, still clinging to Ezra as he sat down, leaning against the bed so they could hold his hand in both of theirs. Marcus ran through some standard questions, which AJ managed without difficulty, then smiled at them and stood back slightly. 

"Well done," he praised gently, hanging his clipboard at the end of their bed. "I'll go get you an ice cube to suck and an extra blanket, okay? It's a bit cold in here today." 

"Thank you," Ezra nodded, and Marcus smiled at him before walking off. 

"Excuse me, but who is this, Anthony?" Catherine said suddenly, her voice sharp and haughty. AJ caught the brief look of pure hatred on Ezra's face and squeezed his hand quickly. 

"My partner," they answered roughly, struggling with the words thanks to the pain in their throat. 

"They prefer AJ," Ezra added quietly, in a very carefully calm tone that AJ knew wasn't actually calm at all. 

"I think he can speak for himself," Catherine snapped and AJ sighed, trying to shift position to get more comfortable and just getting a series of painful twinges instead. 

"It hurts," they forced out, and felt Ezra's fingers tighten on theirs again gently. "But I use AJ." 

"Nonsense, AJ is a child's name," Catherine said briskly, then glanced around. "Where did that nurse get to, anyway? How long does it take to find a blanket? These Jamaicans are always so lazy." 

Ezra's brow furrowed for a moment, and AJ tried to communicate with their eyes that it wasn't worth it, but he was already opening his mouth to answer. 

"I don't think he's Jamaican." 

"Well, whatever, you know what I mean. He looks Jamaican, anyway," Catherine answered sharply, and this time Ezra caught AJ's eye and just sighed, lifting their hand to his lips and kissing it softly. AJ managed a tiny smile, their whole body relaxing as they looked into those gentle, loving blue eyes. They'd always felt that as long as they stayed under that warm gaze, nothing could ever hurt them, and just staring back at him now was making them feel so safe and comfortable. 

"You're okay now," Ezra murmured, as if reading their mind, and AJ nodded, their fingers no longer clutching at his, no longer desperate and needy, but contented with Ezra watching over them. 

"I love you," AJ mumbled, for the novelty of it, and to see the way Ezra smiled. 

"I love you too," he murmured, his grin brightening the whole room even as AJ felt Catherine's piercing, disapproving gaze on the side of their head. 

Marcus hurried back over, apologising and saying something about supply closets not being stocked as he carefully spread the thin, still-warm blanket over AJ. Then he winced and gently moved Ezra out of the way, adjusting the back of the bed so AJ was effectively sitting up before handing them the little plastic cup. AJ felt Ezra's hand on their thigh as they lifted the cup to their lips, their body relaxing as soon as he touched them. They took an ice cube from the cup and let it melt in their mouth, making them feel quite a lot more human. 

Ezra smiled at them as Marcus took the cup back, praising them quietly before telling them to ask if they needed anything and announcing that the doctor would be back around in a couple of hours. AJ thanked him and grabbed at Ezra as soon as Marcus was gone, but Catherine was already taking their hands, apparently getting competitive. 

Annoyed, AJ shook her off and reached out for Ezra again. He smiled at them lovingly and moved his chair back to sit right beside them, taking one of their hands. Then he reached into a bag beside him and pulled out a brand new, but old fashioned flip phone, showing it to AJ. 

"Your smartphone has been...lost," he said softly, tactfully. "So I got you this until we can afford a new one, and I've put my number in it, okay? And Anathema and Mrs. Tracy and Newt, just in case. I had to get one for myself as well, the police have my old one for evidence," he murmured, and AJ nodded, taking the phone and opening it carefully. 

"It has tetris," they giggled, and Ezra laughed, his smile rather emotional all over again. 

"So it does. I'll bring you some more stuff to keep you entertained, I promise." 

AJ was about to reply when Catherine took the phone from their hand, smiling down at them as if she was doing them a huge favour. 

"I'll put my number in it too, okay? So you can call me when you need me." 

Ezra's jaw tightened, but he didn't say anything, taking the charger out of the bag and setting it on the little bedside table. Then he leaned over - slightly possessively, AJ couldn't help but notice - and kissed the corner of their lips, their sleepy smile making him chuckle ever so softly. Content and relaxed in a fuzzy sort of way, AJ tilted their head towards him, reminding themself he was there with them while he just gazed at them, still smiling. 

"Here," Catherine said loudly, and Ezra reached out, thanking her very quietly as he took the phone. He showed AJ that he was setting it on the bedside table, then took their hand again just as they let out a soft sigh. 

"I'm getting sleepy again," they admitted quietly, and Ezra nodded, squeezing their hand lightly. 

"You want me to put the bed down so you can rest?" He asked gently, and AJ nodded, their eyelids suddenly feeling very heavy as they just looked at him. "Yeah, I can see you're about to be gone," he chuckled, and AJ smiled to themself as the bed began to lower, their eyes slowly shutting as they relaxed back into the bed, drawing comfort from Ezra's plump fingers intertwined with theirs. 

* * *

AJ woke to find the ward still bright, but Ezra fast asleep, slumped against the bed with his head resting on the mattress beside their hip. His fingers were still firmly curled around AJ's, his breathing soft and slow as he slept. AJ smiled to themself despite how groggy they felt, their other hand sliding into his hair and ruffling lightly. He grunted, but didn't wake, so AJ settled back, just as Marcus appeared, slipping past the curtain and smiling at them. 

"Hey," he said softly, and AJ smiled sleepily in response. "How are you feeling?" 

"A bit out of it," AJ answered quietly. "Where did Catherine go?" 

"She said something about taking care of her other children and left," Marcus murmured, pulling up the other chair and sitting down. "Probably a relief really?" 

AJ nodded, stifling a yawn and looking down at Ezra again, their whole being softening with love. "Mm, he's all I need," they smiled. "He's such a good partner." 

"Yeah, he was so happy to come see you," Marcus sighed, and AJ nodded slightly. 

"What...I remember...a few things, but...what am I being treated for?" They asked hesitantly, and Marcus winced, glancing at Ezra. 

"Uh...abrasive wounds to the limbs, three hundred and four stitches on superficial wounds, visceral wound on the left ventral chest between ribs two and three, fractures to the right seventh rib, a fracture to the right fibula, and you’re still going through post asphyxia stabilisation," he murmured, then caught AJ’s blank expression and forced a small smile. “Sorry, you get so used to the medical jargon. You have cuts and scrapes pretty much everywhere, a deep chest wound, a broken rib and ankle, and you’re being given oxygen and other care for being choked,” Marcus explained gently, gesturing to the cast on AJ's right leg that they hadn't actually noticed up until that point. Seeing Ezra had seemed so much more important than looking around at their surroundings and themself. "You've suffered a lot of blood loss but your surgeries all went well, all you really need now is proper rest." 

AJ nodded slightly and smiled at the nurse sadly. "I'm still a bit scared," they admitted quietly, and Marcus just nodded. 

"That's understandable and completely normal. You've been through something incredibly traumatic, but I promise no one can hurt you while you're here, okay?" 

"Thank you," AJ murmured, smiling a little more genuinely and settling back with their hand still in Ezra's soft, fluffy hair. "He really stayed here for me, didn't he?" 

Marcus smiled and nodded, glancing at Ezra. "Yeah, he did. And he was first on the scene, he probably saved your life," he commented quietly, then looked at AJ again. "That reminds me, the police will probably be here to talk to you tomorrow, just a warning. I don't want it to come as a huge surprise." 

"Thanks," AJ answered softly, letting their eyelids droop as they turned their head to stare at their sleeping partner. He looked so peaceful and content, clinging on to them gently. 

"I'm technically not supposed to let him stay, but I won't tell if you don't," Marcus chuckled quietly, and AJ smiled to themself sleepily. 

"He makes me feel safe." 

"He's definitely good at taking care of you," Marcus hummed, gently rubbing AJ's shoulder. "You should try to get some more sleep, anyway. You look exhausted." 

AJ nodded slightly, still watching Ezra sleepily. "Mm, I'm...I think I'm gonna drop off soon," they admitted quietly, and Marcus squeezed their shoulder lightly. 

"I'll stay here until you do, okay? And Ezra isn't going anywhere anytime soon." 

AJ smiled contentedly, already feeling the world start to melt away as they began to drift off. 

* * *

When AJ next woke, Ezra was sitting up, staring at the floor, his hand still in theirs. AJ shifted and winced, pain shooting up their side, and Ezra looked at them worriedly, squeezing their hand lightly. "You okay?" 

"Yeah, just...just achy," AJ mumbled, forcing a sleepy smile for him. "These pain meds are good, but they really make me sleepy."

"You've been asleep pretty much all day," Ezra commented, stroking his thumb over their skin. "Catherine has been in and out, but I don't think she likes being in here when you're asleep. She doesn't want to have to talk to me," he chuckled, and AJ squeezed his hand lightly. 

"It's best to just ignore her, really," they pointed out softly. "She's just...she's always been like that." 

"Yeah," Ezra sighed, then rested his hand on the top of their thigh, stroking slowly. "I need to um...tell you something that might be upsetting," he murmured, and AJ frowned, trying to lift their cast-free leg and wincing as their abs tensed and pulled at their stitches. 

"What is it?" 

"The um...the press found out about you being in hospital," Ezra answered awkwardly, taking a deep breath and not quite meeting their gaze. "The headlines aren't very nice." 

AJ looked away, clenching their jaw briefly before just sighing and closing their eyes. "I can imagine. Was the word 'transsexual' involved?" 

"Yeah," Ezra sighed, squeezing their hand gently. "I...I'm sorry, AJ, I...I have no idea-" 

"I know. It's not your fault," AJ interrupted gently, turning their head back towards him and forcing a small smile. "That's part of why I hated being with my family. I don't like feeling like I'm being observed constantly. I was always being judged in school when I was growing up, things like that. I wasn't good at school," they sighed, and Ezra leaned over them slightly, his spare hand going to their cheek and stroking gently. 

"I'm still sorry, it's...it's not nice. But um...it made me think," he added slowly, his soft blue eyes serious and caring. "Maybe you could change your name? You've been AJ for a while now, if you made it official, then you'd be detached from them completely." 

AJ smiled, nodding slightly as they turned their head into his hand, their eyes slipping shut as they basked in his warm touch. "That's a good idea," they murmured, and Ezra gave a soft sigh, leaning closer. AJ felt his breath on their skin and opened their eyes, their hand going to his cheek immediately. 

"Kiss me," they whispered, and Ezra's eyes widened briefly. 

"But your lip.." he protested, and AJ giggled, stroking their thumb under his eye. 

"I didn't say you had to go insane, I just want a little kiss," they smiled, and Ezra chuckled, leaning in closer, his lips brushing theirs. AJ's hand slid into his hair, stiff fingers clinging gently, and Ezra kissed them properly, still being careful and gentle so as not to hurt their split lip, but drawing them a little deeper. 

AJ relished the touch, pushing aside the twinges of pain to enjoy those lips against theirs, needing Ezra more than ever. He pulled away slowly, their lips parting, his breath lingering on their face, and then he was sitting back, smiling. 

"Thank you," AJ sighed softly, and Ezra chuckled, taking their hands gently.

"You're very welcome, sweetheart," he answered, just as AJ heard footsteps and looked past Ezra to see Anathema. She smiled at AJ and gave a little wave, her phone pressed to her ear. 

"Yeah, I'm walking over now," she said, walking straight to the side of the bed and offering AJ the phone. "It's Mrs. Tracy, if you want to talk to her," she announced, and AJ smiled, taking the phone quickly. Anathema leaned against Ezra, talking to him quietly as AJ managed a hesitant 'hello.'

"Hello, dear! You sound very awake," Mrs. Tracy answered brightly, and AJ smiled to themself, relaxing back into the bed. 

"Yeah, they've got me on a lot of meds, so it's a bit in and out," they murmured, and she chuckled softly. 

"Enjoy it while you can, catch up on some good sleep! How are you, anyway? Are you...well, I know you're not okay, but I'm worried about you." 

AJ bit their lip lightly and winced, looking at Ezra, who was still talking to Anathema. "I'm doing about as well as I can in the circumstances," they said with a slight smile. "Ezra's here, taking care of me. And the nurses are nice, the day one can be a bit grumpy, but the one who's here at night is super sweet. I just wish they hadn't called my mother." 

"Ah, yeah...I heard about the news article," Mrs. Tracy answered quietly, and AJ sighed, feeling Ezra's hand on the top of their thigh. 

"Yeah, Ezra's suggested I get a deed poll and change my name." 

"That's a good idea," Mrs. Tracy agreed, her voice gentle, but still sure and soothing in its certainty. "What would you go for?" 

"AJ, definitely, but I'm not sure about my last name," they sighed, glancing up briefly as Ezra said something to Anathema and she hurried off. 

"Well, there's always Crowley. I used my stage name, after all," Mrs. Tracy suggested with a soft laugh. "And I always liked that name. AJ Crowley, it has a good ring to it, no?" 

"It sounds perfect," AJ grinned, relaxing slightly and looking up at Ezra. "AJ Crowley. I like it." 

Ezra smiled in response and nodded, stroking up and down their thigh lightly. 

"Good. I'm so glad you're doing okay, dear," Mrs. Tracy said with a smile in her voice. "I think I should be able to come visit soon, if you'd like that. I have time tomorrow." 

AJ smiled to themself, nodding ever so slightly. "I'd love that, thank you. It would be lovely to see someone other than Ezra and my mother," they teased, and Ezra rolled his eyes, smiling as he lifted their spare hand and kissed their knuckles softly. 

"Good, it'll be great to see you. Would you mind if I talked to Ezra for a moment?" 

"Of course. I'll see you tomorrow," AJ answered brightly, then handed the phone to Ezra, who squeezed their thigh lightly before starting to speak. 

A little tired, AJ zoned out and let their eyes slip closed, resting for a few moments until they felt Ezra's hand move and heard their name being called. 

"AJ? Are you awake, sweetheart?" Ezra murmured, and AJ opened their eyes, stifling a yawn as they nodded. 

"Mm, just resting my eyes," they hummed, and Ezra frowned. 

"Do you need your glasses?" 

"Hmm? Oh, no, I can manage without them," AJ smiled, reaching out to stroke Ezra's cheek lightly. "I can't really see past the nurse's station over there, but as long as I can see you, I don't care," they giggled, and Ezra rolled his eyes, leaning down to kiss the corner of their lips. 

"Mm, soppy," he teased gently, and AJ slid their hands into his hair, keeping him close to them as they played with the lovely soft curls and just gazed into his beautiful blue eyes. 

"I'm so lucky to have you," they murmured after a moment, and saw the way Ezra blushed, colour spreading over his cheeks in the most adorable way. "You make me feel so safe and loved...and I was so scared when I woke up and couldn't see you. I just...you were all I thought about," AJ went on softly, their voice a little shaky now as they took deep, slow breaths. "I just wanted to be in your bed with you. But now I get to open my eyes and see you, and I know nothing bad is going to happen to me. I love you, Ezra. I love you so much." 

Ezra blinked the tears out of his eyes, his hands on AJ's face, thumbs running over their cheekbones carefully. "I love you too, my beautiful little bird. I promise I won't let anyone hurt you ever again, okay? And you'll be home with me soon, and you can fall asleep in my bed with me every night, and I'll cuddle you all day." 

"Home with you?" AJ echoed, uncertain, and Ezra nodded quickly, adjusting his position so he was leaning over them more comfortably. 

"I mean, only if...if you want to, I just thought, with your recovery and everything, I-" 

"I'd love that," AJ interrupted hurriedly, rushing to get the words out before he could change his mind. "I'm sick of living with Bea, she...she was there when we had sex a-and she told Michael," they mumbled, their fingers tightening in Ezra's hair as a brief look of fury passed over his face. "A-and I want to be with you. All the time," AJ added quickly, forcing a small smile as Ezra gave a quiet sigh. 

"There are other options, if you want. Mrs. Tracy could help you find-" 

AJ gently pressed a finger to Ezra's lips, smiling at him as he stopped talking and looked down at them in surprise. "I want to live with you," they insisted quietly, their voice soft, but serious. "I know we haven't been a couple that long, but I know I love you, and I know I'd absolutely love to wake up next to you every morning. And I'm sure I'll need plenty of help when I get out of here, and you're the only person I trust to take care of me." 

"Are you sure?" Ezra murmured, clearly fighting off a grin. "It'll mean paying rent," he went on, trying to sound serious and failing. 

AJ just raised an eyebrow and he bit his lip, shaking his head slightly. "It's uh...a high price to pay." 

"Yeah? Lay it on me, angel," AJ hummed, playing along with their fingers still in his hair, clinging to him gently. 

"Well, the going rate is one ass grab a day," he mused, unable to keep the smirk off his face now. "But I could probably get it down to every other day." 

AJ laughed and dragged him down into a soft, barely-there kiss, still giggling quietly as he pulled away, his cheeks still flushed as he smiled triumphantly. "You can grab my ass whenever you like, angel," they purred, and Ezra grinned, kissing them again and then again, this time on the cheek. 

"Good, cause I'm clearly missing out while you're here, I can't reach," he pointed out, and AJ laughed again, this time trailing off into a coughing fit that caused agony to rip through their chest - their broken rib, countless cuts, and sore throat all protesting at once. Ezra grabbed at their hands gently, squeezing tightly, blue eyes full of intense worry. 

"Try to take deep breaths, it's alright!" He gasped, pressing the button for the nurse. "In and out, nice and slow," he went on, trying to keep his voice calm as the tears of pain welled up and streamed down AJ's cheeks. They couldn't stop coughing, their whole body curling up in pain, each cough like having a knife stabbed into their side over and over. The nurse hurried over and then away again after saying something to Ezra, and AJ finally began to get the coughs under control, trailing off as they slumped back against the bed. They stared at nothing for a while, the tears drying up, too exhausted and pained to even turn their head as they felt Ezra's hand stroking up and down their arm. 

The nurse came back with some ice cubes, but AJ refused them, their breathing laboured and painful. 

"It hurts," they rasped, and the nurse sighed, looking at their chart quickly. 

"I can imagine it does, but you're not due for another dose of painkillers yet. I'll go and ask the doctor, okay? See what we can do," she said gently, and AJ closed their eyes, nodding ever so slightly. Ezra's lips brushed their cheek, warm and soft, and AJ winced, trying to grab for his hand blindly and without moving their arm more than necessary. 

"Shhh," Ezra soothed, his fingers sliding into theirs, squeezing gently. "I've got you, I'm here. Try to breathe nice and slow. That's it, sweetheart. You're doing so well for me," he praised, and AJ felt themself begin to relax, the agony fading to mere intense pain, dropping down from a nine and a half to an eight as Ezra softly counted their breaths in and out, guiding them to deepen their breathing and keep it nice and even. 

"Good. My beautiful, brave little bird," Ezra smiled, his hand tightening around theirs as they sank a little deeper into their mattress, relaxing ever so slightly. The nurse hurried back over, her shoes scuffing against the floor. 

"AJ? Can you rate your pain for me, hon?" She asked briskly, and AJ let out a tiny little sigh.

"Eight," they managed, and she clicked her tongue. 

"Okay, the doctor said I can give you a little more medication," she announced, and AJ opened their eyes tiredly, watching as she unlocked the little box on their drip stand and pressed a button. It beeped and she locked the box again, dropping her keys back into her pocket. 

"That should keep you going until your next proper dose, okay? Take some slow breaths, it might take a few minutes to start working." 

AJ forced a tiny smile and Ezra thanked her before she left, his hand still tightly closed around AJ's. After about five minutes, AJ began to relax, their grip on Ezra's hand loosening slightly as they closed their eyes again.

"Magpie? You okay, sweetheart?" Ezra murmured, worry twanging in every syllable. 

"Sleepy," they managed, and Ezra squeezed their hand again lightly. 

"Do you want me to put the bed down so you can have a sleep?" 

"Mm," AJ grunted, and felt themself being carefully lowered down flat, their breath becoming a little easier, slower as the pain faded. Ezra pulled the blankets up their chest carefully, then leaned over them slightly, his hand coming to rest on their cheek, his thumb running under their eye over and over. 

"I'm right here, it's okay. Everything's okay, my love," Ezra murmured, and AJ felt their lips twitch up slightly at the corners. They knew they were safe, they felt warm and happy, wrapped up in a bubble of fluff as their mind began to sink down into the blackness of sleep. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! I've been reading and appreciating all your lovely comments! I probably won't reply to them for a while because things are still a bit crazy here, but I'm enjoying reading them I promise!
> 
> About the second batch update for the weekend: I'm not going to be doing it on time I'm afraid. I've had a bit of a difficult day today and I'm away at the weekend on top of that so although I'm okay, I just don't have the capacity to be making edits (I had to skip a couple on this one whoops) and remembering to post regularly. I'm sorry about this, but it's better than telling you guys I'm going to do something and then forgetting. I will hopefully have things on track by the weekend after, and I'll plan on doing the batch update then. 
> 
> **IMPORTANT**: apologies for the massive notes, but there will be a lot of detail in 39 about AJ's past with Gabriel in an interview with Jeffries, so if you think this could be difficult for you to read, feel free to contact me (links in my profile) and we can figure something out :) 
> 
> Anyway, I hope you all are doing okay and enjoyed this chapter! <3<3<3


	39. Chapter Thirty Nine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ***WARNING***
> 
> This chapter includes: hospital; disordered eating behaviour; PTSD; transphobia and victim blaming from family members; police interaction; panic attacks/dissociation; discussion of abuse, past child sexual abuse, and grooming (all very detailed), underage sex work, statutory rape.
> 
> \- this is AJ's interview with the police, if you think it will be too much for you, please message me (see my profile) and we can figure something out!   
> <3

AJ woke to the sounds of soft conversation, Ezra's quiet laugh pulling them back into the world as they turned their head towards the sound and opened their eyes. 

Ezra was sitting beside them, talking to Anathema quietly, a sandwich box in his hand. As AJ watched sleepily, he took a bite of the sandwich and they suddenly felt as if there was a huge pit in their stomach. They shifted slightly and Ezra turned his head, his eyes softening, his smile widening. 

"Hey, sleepyhead," he greeted them lovingly, and AJ smiled at him, hoping that their expression looked just as affectionate as his. 

"Hey," they rasped, then smiled at Anathema, who gave a little friendly wave. 

"How are you feeling? You had your full dose of meds about an hour ago," Ezra asked gently, and AJ stifled a yawn. 

"Mm, I'm feeling very hungry," they admitted quietly, and Ezra looked surprised, then nodded. 

"It is getting rather late, this is more my dinner than my lunch," he sighed, glancing around. 

Anathema squeezed his shoulder lightly and smiled at AJ. "I'll go ask the nurse about getting you something, okay?" 

"Thank you," AJ said quickly, and Ezra finished off his sandwich, leaning over to help them raise the bed again, his hand sliding into theirs automatically. 

"I'm glad you're feeling better, I was worried about you," he murmured, and AJ smiled at him faintly, nodding slightly.

"I'm okay. I just really, really don't want to start coughing again." 

"I promise not to make you laugh," Ezra said seriously, and AJ snorted, their whole being softening as they looked up into those loving blue eyes. 

"Kiss me?" 

"Mm, way ahead of you, love," Ezra purred, already leaning in, his lips ever so gentle, barely brushing their split lip. AJ carefully drew him a little closer, kissing him as deep as they dared, knowing they needed him more than they were worried about a little stinging from their lip. 

He still pulled away fairly quickly, however, stroking his fingertips over their cheek and smiling at them as they settled back in their bed. 

"I love you," he murmured, and AJ smiled back at him happily, gently taking his hand. 

"I love you too." 

"Hey lovebirds, the nurse says she's sent off for you to have something to eat," Anathema announced in a slightly teasing tone as she came back, sitting back down next to Ezra. AJ blushed immediately, but Ezra just sat back calmly, lacing his fingers with AJ's. 

"We were talking earlier and AJ said they'd like to move in with us," Ezra said to Anathema quietly, and AJ felt a flash of nerves flare up in their chest before Anathema smiled at them brightly. 

"Really? That's great! It'll be so much easier for your recovery, having someone around to help. And they might let you out earlier," she pointed out happily, and AJ blinked at her slowly. 

"You...you don't mind?"

"No, of course not," Anathema soothed, her voice genuine and calm. "I know it'll make Ezra really happy, and although we don't know each other well, I enjoy spending time with you. And I really think it'll be the best thing. Besides, Ezra's told me about how tidy you are," she added with a teasing chuckle, and AJ relaxed, smiling and glancing at Ezra. 

"I'm really excited," they murmured, and Anathema nodded, nudging Ezra gently. 

"I bet you are, this guy's like a human-sized pillow!" 

Ezra blushed this time, rolling his eyes as AJ stifled a giggle, nodding in agreement. 

"He really is! A pillow that hugs you back." 

Anathema grinned and Ezra sighed, shaking his head slightly. 

"I'm not going to put up with you two ganging up on me, y'know." 

"We're just teasing," AJ smiled, squeezing his hand lightly and letting out a happy breath as Ezra kissed their cheek quickly. 

"I know, my magpie." 

Shifting in their bed, AJ reached out for Ezra and he hugged them carefully, humming soothingly as they buried their face in his soft shoulder. They clung to him for a short while, enjoying just being close to him, loving his warmth and comfortable, easy to hang onto curves. But he began to pull away fairly quickly, murmuring something about his back being stiff, and AJ let go reluctantly, looking up just in time to see Catherine walking into the ward. Anathema glanced at her, then sighed and got up. Ezra dug around in his pocket and pulled out his keys, slipping a familiar one off the ring and handing it to Anathema. 

"Take this, okay?" He said, then glanced at AJ. "Is that okay? She'll have to go into your locker to get your keys and start boxing your stuff up." 

AJ blinked in surprise, then smiled slightly. "Yeah, as long as you guys don't mind doing it for me. It's mostly clothes and shoes, really. And sewing stuff, the machine is pretty heavy." 

"We'll manage, don't worry," Anathema said gently, pocketing the key. "It'll be nice to feel like we're helping. Newt is getting your deed poll today, by the way." 

"Thank you," AJ murmured, and she leaned over, kissing their forehead quickly. 

"It's no trouble. I'll see you later, okay?" 

AJ nodded and Anathema hurried off. Catherine walked over and picked up the chair Anathema had left, moving it over to the other side of the bed pointedly and sitting down without looking at Ezra. 

"What were you guys talking about?" She asked, but AJ was already gently guiding Ezra down for a kiss, smiling before their lips even connected, and making Ezra chuckle softly. He gave them the lightest, briefest of kisses, then pulled back and smiled down at them, cradling their cheek in one hand. 

"I can't wait for you to move in and cuddle with me every night. I'm looking forward to it so much, my beautiful little bird," he murmured, and AJ nodded, their hand sliding over his, their head turning so they could press kisses to his wrist, the base of his thumb, the palm of his hand. 

"Me too. I just wanna hug you properly again. Moving in with you is going to be perfect," they whispered, and Ezra sat back, squeezing their hand lightly and ignoring the way Catherine glared at him. 

"You know, Anthony, we have a spare bedroom for you, if you came home, we could have it made up for you and get a nurse to take care of you." 

AJ turned their head slowly and smiled innocently. "And why would I want a nurse when I could have a loving boyfriend?" They asked sweetly, and she looked at them for a moment in genuine, profound confusion. 

"We're your family!" 

"Who's we?" AJ pointed out softly. "My sperm donor Patrick hasn't seen me in well over a decade, and Ezra's friends, people I barely know, have been here more than you." 

Catherine gaped for a moment like a surprised fish, but the nurse interrupted, walking over with a tray. She helped AJ get all set up and Catherine immediately snatched up the cutlery, starting to cut up the food into little bite sized pieces. She speared one with the fork and smiled, lifting it towards AJ's lips, to their horror. 

"Here comes the train, into the tunnel!" She said in a happy, singsong voice, and laughed softly. "Remember this game?" 

"Yes, from before you fired Nanny Katie," AJ answered firmly, snatching the fork from her. "Nanny Janet wasn't into games," they said sharply, their breathing starting to speed up again as they struggled to stay calm. "And I am twenty four years old, I can hold my own fork, thank you!" 

Catherine's smile briefly soured and then she sat back, holding her hands up in a gesture of peace. AJ glanced at Ezra and saw the fury in his eyes, then swallowed and suddenly put their fork down, wishing they could just leave the room. Ezra blinked and the anger was gone, replaced with gentle concern in an instant. 

"It's okay, sweetheart," he murmured, reaching over and picking up the fork carefully, gently pressing it into their hand. "Just have a little, it's alright," he encouraged softly, and AJ took a deep breath, losing themself in those beautiful eyes for a moment, then sighing. They nodded and gently brushed his hand away, starting to eat with some difficulty. Ezra let out a soft, relieved breath, then let his hand fall onto their thigh, stroking up and down lightly as they relaxed. 

It still hurt to swallow, so AJ struggled through only about half of the food before giving up. Ezra gently pushed the jelly cup towards them and they rolled their eyes, but opened it obediently. It slid down their throat a lot easier than their main course had, so they finished the whole thing, reminding themself that their body needed the calories to heal. 

"There you go, sweetheart. I'm proud of you, good job," Ezra purred when they finished, and AJ smiled shyly, a warm blush rising to their cheeks. 

"Thank you, I feel better," they admitted quietly, and he nodded, taking their hand and giving it a little squeeze. 

"Good. Let me clear this away for you," he smiled, moving the tray out of the way and lowering the bed slightly to let AJ relax a little more easily. 

They turned their head to look at Ezra, gazing at him happily, their hand finding his again and holding on gently. With the feeling of fullness in their stomach, they began to get sleepy all over again, and Ezra noticed almost immediately, gently teasing them before putting the bed down and leaning over to kiss their forehead. They kept their head turned towards him, even when Catherine took their other hand, just staring at the man they loved until they couldn't keep their eyes open any longer. 

* * *

AJ woke yet again, this time without Ezra. Catherine was reading something on her phone, but Ezra was nowhere to be seen. Sleepy and needy, AJ looked up at their mother and let out a shaky little sigh. 

"Where's Ezra?" They asked quietly, their voice still a bit hoarse. She slipped her phone away quickly and nodded towards the door, where a police officer was standing, apparently without reason. 

"He's talking to the detective. They took him outside, I think. I don't think it'll be much longer," she said, and AJ relaxed a bit, then closed their eyes tiredly. 

"What's the time?" 

"It's about seven, the nurses just changed over to that black one," Catherine answered, obvious distaste in her voice. AJ smiled to themself ever so slightly. 

They liked Marcus, he was kind to them and always careful about their name and pronouns. He was understanding about Ezra and their situation with their family, and just always seemed like someone AJ could rely on. They felt a little more comfortable knowing he was taking care of them. 

"You know, I think your hair is finally approaching a reasonable length," Catherine remarked suddenly, and AJ swallowed hard, then looked down at their hands, where their long nails had been clipped. They'd assumed it was routine, but with Catherine there, they suddenly weren't so sure. Either way, it was about thirty quid worth of manicure down the drain. Despite the pain of recollection, the sound of the knife sawing through their long curls echoing in their mind, AJ decided not to respond. They were too tired to deal with her, especially without Ezra there as emotional backup, so they just stayed silent and tried not to fall asleep again. 

After a few more minutes, AJ heard footsteps and opened their eyes to see Ezra walking back over, followed by a woman with a bright, friendly smile. She must have been in her thirties, and had beautiful natural hair pulled back in a neat updo. She was wearing a dark grey pantsuit instead of a uniform, and had a small notebook in her hand. 

"AJ, this is Detective Jeffries," Ezra announced softly, sitting down beside them and taking their hand quickly. "Do you think you'd be up for answering some questions? It's absolutely okay if not, sweetheart." 

AJ swallowed, a little uncertain, and Catherine quickly spoke up. 

"Come on, Anthony, you need to explain what happened, the police need to know. What if this guy is out there hurting other people?" 

AJ sighed and forced a smile at Jeffries, squeezing Ezra's hand lightly. "I can answer some questions, Detective." 

"You can call me Luna if you'd prefer," she smiled soothingly, moving a little closer. "I have to record this, is that okay?" 

AJ nodded, and Luna pulled a small recording device out of her bag, setting it on the bedside table and pressing a button. "This is Detective Jeffries, interviewing.." 

"AJ Crowley," AJ answered quietly, smiling to themself at the sound of the new name. Luna looked surprised, but smiled back. 

"Okay, AJ. Just tell me everything you remember, alright? It doesn't have to be in order and you don't have to worry about gaps. Just tell me however feels right to you." 

AJ nodded and took a deep breath, glancing at Ezra again. He moved closer to them, stroking up their arm lightly, lifting their fingers to his lips to kiss them. AJ managed a tiny smile and looked back at Luna. 

"The man who attacked me, his name is Gabriel Engels," they began quietly, but didn't get any further. 

"Don't be silly!" Catherine burst out, shaking her head. "First you lie about your name, it's Anthony James O'Donahue and it always will be! And now you lie about this! Gabriel is much too kind and upstanding to do anything like this, he has a wife!" 

Bristling, Ezra shot back, unable to help himself. "Would you shut up? Let AJ speak, for fuck's sake!" 

AJ's eyes widened and they looked at Luna desperately, causing her to sigh and flash them a small smile. 

"Alright, both of you, out!" She said quickly, and both Ezra and Catherine looked up at her in shock. Then Ezra glanced at AJ while Catherine started protesting to Luna, and AJ just smiled weakly. 

"I'll be okay. I'll see you in a bit, okay?" They murmured, and Ezra nodded, cheeks flushed in shame. 

"I'm sorry, I-" 

"It's fine, go on," AJ soothed, squeezing his hand tightly. "I love you." 

"I love you too," Ezra smiled, then got up, blowing them a kiss as he followed the still-grumbling Catherine from the room. 

Luna sighed and pulled up a chair, smiling at AJ as they adjusted the back of the bed so they were sitting up. 

"I'm going to assume AJ is the name you prefer, is that right?" She asked gently, and they nodded, stifling a yawn. 

"Yeah, I'm getting it changed legally soon," they said shyly, and Luna nodded. 

"That's great. You're doing really well, and if you ever need anyone back in here, that's okay, as long as they don't interrupt." 

AJ nodded and took a deep breath. "I know his name because we...I've known him for a long time," they murmured, hugging themself loosely and suddenly wishing Ezra hadn't left, feeling his absence as a brief, stabbing pain in their stomach. "I went to work, after a break. Um...I'd been in hospital because...because I was having to work a lot and...and Gabriel threatened me that if I didn't stay away from Ezra, he'd ruin Ezra's career and degree. So I'd not been taking care of myself and working too hard and I ended up collapsing at work. I um...I work...well, worked at a club as a dancer and I...well, a prostitute," they mumbled, struggling with the word, hating the way it felt on their tongue. "Gabriel was seeing me a lot before I went to hospital but then I took a break for two weeks to heal and get better and Ezra and I got back to dating properly." 

Luna nodded, offering her hand. After a moment of uncertainty, AJ took it, holding on gently. 

"Don't worry about talking about your work, okay? We're here to help you, I promise." 

"Thank you," AJ smiled, then went on softly, swallowing. "Um...so I went back to work and Michael said she needed me, Michael was my boss and she organised a lot of my clients. She was waiting for me outside, so I went out and...and someone grabbed me, I remember that. They pinned me against the wall and I saw Gabriel hand Michael a briefcase, she opened it and there was money, like in a movie. And then...it starts to get fuzzy," they frowned. "I think I was drugged." 

"That's okay, you're doing really well," Luna encouraged, making a few notes. "Just tell me whatever you can remember." 

"I remember waking up in a car," AJ went on a little hesitantly. "I used the panic app to call Ezra. I remember him taking me into a room and...and I know he cut my hair with a knife. He cut my body, um...he choked me. I remember him pouring water on me, too. And I know I tried to get away and scream, but...I think he gagged me." 

AJ swallowed, wishing they could have one of Ezra's hugs, wishing they could hold his hand and feel his lips on theirs, reminding them they were safe and loved. "I know he didn't...he didn't have sex with me. He kept saying I was too old and worn out, and that...that he was going to kill me," AJ mumbled, their voice hitching, their throat closing up as the tears welled up. "I thought about Ezra a-and...and that I hadn't told him I loved him yet, a-and I was scared to die without telling him...a-and I don't remember anything after that," they whimpered, and Luna quickly reached into her pocket, pulling out a sealed packet of tissues and handing it to AJ. They smiled at her shakily and opened it, taking a tissue out to dry their cheeks.

"Sorry," they whispered, and she just smiled sadly, squeezing their hand. 

"Don't be, AJ. You're doing wonderfully, and I know this must be really hard to re-live. You can take a break to breathe if you want." 

AJ shook their head, looking down at their lap. "I'd rather keep going, get it done. But I don't remember anything else." 

"That's okay, do you mind if I ask some questions?" Luna pressed gently, and AJ nodded. 

"That's fine." 

"Okay. You said that you've known Gabriel for a long time, can you elaborate on that?" 

Suddenly numb, AJ nodded slightly and looked down, wishing they had something to hug as they slipped their hand from Luna's to wrap both arms around themself. "He um...he.." they began, but trailed off, curling up slightly, the tears blinding them briefly before spilling, streaming down their cheeks. Their heart was pounding in their chest, a little voice in the back of their head telling them they shouldn't say, that the nice detective would judge them or tell them off. The endless shame came pouring in, washing over them, through them, making them curl up even more despite the pain. They wanted to answer, but they couldn't open their mouth, their whole body beginning to tremble as they shut down. 

"Hey, hey, it's okay," Luna murmured, her voice sounding distant. "Take deep breaths, think about something that makes you happy, okay? Close your eyes, that's it. You're okay, you're safe. Think about being in a warm, comfortable environment with whatever makes you happy." 

AJ tried to breathe slowly, forcing their mind off Gabriel and onto Ezra instead. They imagined being curled up in his bed, in his arms, soft music playing in the background, and began to relax at last, their breaths shaky and slow, their eyes still closed as they uncurled and leaned back carefully. 

"There you go. Do you need me to get someone?" 

"Ezra," AJ said automatically, and heard the sound of fabric moving as Luna stood up. 

"I'll go and ask the officer to fetch him for you, okay? I'll be right back." 

AJ just nodded slightly, still working on their breathing, folding their hands in their lap and only opening their eyes when they heard footsteps, quick, rushing footsteps. 

Ezra was hurrying towards them, looking worried, just as Luna sat down again, smiling at him. Without thinking, AJ reached for him, and Ezra quickly pulled up a chair, grabbing one of their hands, his other hand sliding up the inside of their forearm. 

"Are you alright, sweetheart?" 

"Yeah, just...struggling a bit," they answered with a shaky smile, and Luna nodded, opening her notebook. 

"They were doing really well, just having some trouble talking about their past with Gabriel. You're okay to stay here, Ezra, but I need you to avoid interrupting, okay?"

Ezra nodded seriously, squeezing AJ's arm and hand gently. "Yeah, sorry about earlier." 

"It's okay. Now, AJ, whenever you're ready." 

Swallowing, AJ looked down, avoiding both gazes on them and running their hand over Ezra's, tracing their fingers along the dips between his knuckles. "Gabriel was a family friend since before I was born, my mother knew him from school or something and he worked for my father. I was conceived out of wedlock," they went on shakily, focusing on the feel of Ezra's skin under their fingertips. "My mother and father got married in a hurry and my mother continued life after my birth pretty much as if I'd never happened. I was raised by nannies and...and when um...when I started getting older, like around eleven, twelve...G-Gabriel became more involved in the family.." AJ sniffed, the tears of shame and anger and despair welling up as Ezra's grip on them tightened. They didn't dare look at his face, just kept studying his hand, drawing patterns on it with their fingertips as they struggled to breathe evenly. "He would come on f-family trips to spend time with my father a-and help out...and um...sometimes he would...he would stay behind with me wh-when I didn't want to go do stuff like fishing," AJ mumbled, their nostrils flaring as tears streamed down their cheeks. Ezra's hand slipped from their arm to brush the tears away, pressing a tissue into their hand, but they still didn't look up, even when they felt the way his fingers trembled against their skin. 

"B-back then, it was just talking," they forced themself to say, squeezing the tissue in their hand, digging their short nails in. "About h-how pretty he said I was, how it was a shame th-that my mother wasn't really around, how mature I was. That kind of stuff. S-sometimes he would come into my room at night to t-talk to me when my parents had parties. A-and he took pictures of me sleeping," AJ mumbled, the tears still falling, dropping into their lap as Ezra stroked up and down their arm. 

"Can they have a break?" He begged softly, and Luna sighed, shifting in her chair as AJ continued to stare down at their lap. 

"Do you want a break, AJ? You can have one if you need," she assured them softly, and AJ shook their head slightly, sniffling. 

"I...I'd rather get it over with," they murmured, and Ezra lifted their hand lightly, kissing it softly, but not saying anything as he lowered their arm back to the bed, his spare hand sliding over it again. AJ closed their eyes for a moment, then let out a slow breath, ignoring the way their lungs shuddered. "When I was...when I was fourteen," they went on at last, gulping and trying to hold back the tears as they turned their attention back to Ezra's hand, stroking his skin and studying every little feature, every dip and groove. "Gabriel was babysitting, and um...and I woke up and he was touching himself in my room. I pretended to be asleep, and um...he um...he finished into a pair of my underwear," they sniffed, the tears cascading again, as Ezra's grip tightened slightly. "After that, he started asking me for pictures," AJ murmured, whimpering involuntarily as the memories swam past in their mind's eye. "It w-wasn't so bad at first, just selfies, but over time it got m-more...suggestive. I was a stupid kid, y'know? It m-made me feel good, I thought I was special. He asked me for videos of me t-touching myself," they sniffed, keeping their eyes firmly fixed on Ezra's hands, not wanting to see the disgust they just knew would be written all over his face. "I d-didn't make friends easily a-and my mother always blamed me for her m-marriage, so I...I was lonely. A-and I did it. It became k-kind of normal. On my sixteenth birthday, I um...I got dressed up for him a-and I got ready to take pictures for him. I w-would get dressed nicely a-and then strip slowly, taking pictures, and finish with a video. Um...but my parents found me w-wearing one of the dresses he bought me a-and threw me out for being gay," AJ mumbled, shame burning in their cheeks. They could feel Ezra shaking, hear his soft, trembling breath, but still they couldn't look up, they were too terrified to find out whether he was angry with them or not. 

AJ closed their eyes for a moment, tears leaking from under their lashes. 

"Can you tell me what happened after that?" Luna pressed quietly after about half a minute. "You're doing incredibly well, AJ. I know this is difficult, but you're giving us a lot of great information to help us catch him." 

AJ swallowed and nodded slightly, then looked at Ezra's hand again, laying their hand over his, their fingers fitting into the grooves between his knuckles. "I was on the street for a bit," they sighed, trying to keep their breath even. "I ended up...with a pimp, he um...told me I had to have clients so I could stay with him. G-Gabriel picked me up off the street a couple m-months after that," they whimpered, taking a deep breath and ignoring the tears soaking the blankets on their chest. "I thought he would take me h-home, but he.." AJ paused for a moment, stifling a sob, and squeezed their eyes shut. "He took me to a hotel a-and...had sex with me," they forced out, their fingers curling around Ezra's, gripping desperately. "He g-gave me money and j-just left me there!" They gasped, and heard a soft sob beside them, Ezra's hands trembling as he clung to them tightly, his thumb stroking back and forth over their hand jerkily. "A-after that, I...I ended up a-at that club w-with Michael, and...and all that stuff I...I already s-said," they mumbled, and felt Luna's hand on their arm, gentle and light. 

"You've done so well, AJ. I might need some more details later, but I won't ask you anything else today, okay?" She said softly, her tone gentle and sympathetic. AJ nodded and finally looked up, first at Luna, who was smiling worriedly. Then they turned their head slowly, more tears stinging at their eyes as they realised Ezra was crying silently. They grabbed at him gently and he nodded, immediately leaning forward and gathering them into a careful hug. Desperate and needing his comfort more than they ever had, AJ clutched at him quickly, burying their face in his neck and starting to sob as he cradled the back of their head, his grip on them as tight as he could manage without hurting them. After a while, the tears slowed and AJ began to go limp, too mentally exhausted to hang on any longer as they slowly checked out. Ezra kept on holding them, rocking them ever so slightly, voices around them became muffled, their whole being going numb and melting into Ezra's. They could feel him talking through his chest, but they couldn't make out the words, their eyes slipping closed. 

It was oddly soothing to feel absolutely nothing for a while. It was a skill of theirs, although they supposed it wasn't really considered to be a 'healthy' coping mechanism. At the very least, it gave them time away from the pain, a little pocket of time in which they didn't have to fully exist. All they could feel was Ezra's warmth and softness, the rest was numb. A few more minutes later, they felt Ezra gently letting go of them, laying them back against the mattress. Voices filled the air around them for a bit, they felt someone fiddling with their IV, and then silence. Ezra's hand slid into theirs, squeezing, and AJ managed a tiny squeeze back, letting him know they were okay. His lips pressed against their cheek, his thumb stroking their knuckles, his voice finally clear in their ear. 

"Take your time, my perfect little sweetheart. I'm right here waiting, and I love you so so much." 

AJ took a deep breath and slowly opened their eyes, blinking up at the round, loving face above them as they began to come back to themself, allowing their mind to gradually dismantle the emergency barriers. 

Ezra smiled sadly, his eyes full of tears still, and reached up slowly to lay a hand on their cheek. "I'm so proud of you, magpie. You did so well, my love," he murmured, and AJ managed a small, vague smile just as they heard the clicking of high heels on the floor, coming towards them. They kept their eyes focused on Ezra's face, one hand coming up shakily to brush a tear off his cheek gently. 

"I love you," they whispered, and Ezra smiled, more tears following the first as their mother loomed up in their peripheral vision. 

"I love you more," Ezra teased shakily, and AJ's smile widened slightly, his tears warm on their skin. 

"Kiss me." 

Ezra did as he was told, his lips gentle and trembling, his touch ever so careful, but everything AJ needed. They needed that reminder that the past was firmly in the past. 

"Anthony, we need to talk," Catherine said sharply, and AJ sighed, turning their head as Ezra pulled away, still clinging to their hand tightly, his fingers trailing up and down the inside of their forearm. "Alone," she added, and AJ shook their head. 

"Ezra isn't going anywhere, I need him," they answered simply, and Ezra squeezed their hand lightly, a gentle little reminder that he was there with them. 

Catherine rolled her eyes and sighed, shaking her head. "Fine. I need to understand why you felt like telling that detective lies about Gabriel was okay, I raised you better than to go around slandering people who are basically your family." 

"You didn't raise them at all," Ezra snapped, and AJ blinked, their fingers tightening on his hand, their heart beating a little faster at the sound of the raw, painful fury in Ezra's tone. 

Catherine looked taken aback briefly, then scowled. "You know nothing about my family," she said sharply, and Ezra scoffed. 

"I know enough to know that real parents don't kick out their children," he shot back, and Catherine glared at him. 

"I don't care what you think! I know all about you, Ezra Fell! Does Anthony know you're not a real man? Does he know your real name is Elanor? I do! I don't think an abomination like you should be telling me how to parent! I gave up so much for Anthony, and he gives me absolutely no respect for it; I got married for him, I carried him for nine months and gave birth to him, my wedding pictures are ruined because of him making me look so fat! Doesn't it count for something that I'm ready to welcome him back with open arms, as long as he gives up his sin? It does according to God!" 

"No," Ezra said simply, suddenly icy calm. "It doesn't. Love isn't conditional, you don't love AJ. If you did, you'd welcome them back now, if you did, you'd use their correct name and pronouns. Get the fuck out of here, if I ever have to see you again,  _ you're _ going to be the one in the ICU." 

Catherine glared at him for a moment, then got up and stormed out, and AJ briefly smiled to themself at the thought that she was probably disappointed there wasn't a door to slam. 

Then they realised Ezra was breathing heavily, his hands shaking, and quickly turned their head, smiling at him sadly. 

"God, AJ, I'm so sorr-" 

"You did the right thing," AJ soothed quickly, giving his hand a gentle squeeze. "I love you, Ezra, and you said what I've been wanting to, I've just...I've been too tired to do it myself. Don't apologise." 

Ezra deflated slightly, then sighed and looked down at their linked hands for a moment. "I just didn't mean to lose my temper. I...I think I'm a bit overwhelmed from hearing all...all that about Gabriel," he mumbled, his voice a little thick, his eyes shining with tears. "I really hate the thought of you being hurt so much so young." 

AJ ran their other hand over his, then shifted and gently pulled at him. "Come here. It's okay to be upset, angel," they murmured, and he turned his head to smile at them sadly, leaning closer to them. "It's okay. I'm okay," they soothed, and he snorted, reaching up to stroke their cheek slowly. 

"I mean...you're in the ICU," he pointed out softly, and AJ laughed, leaning into his hand slightly. 

"Yeah, I know. But I mean...my life is a whole lot better now and it's still getting better. I'm going to stop taking private clients permanently, I'm going to move in with my lovely boyfriend...things are looking up for me, once I get out of this stupid hospital bed. We're gonna be okay. I promise. But it's okay to feel things, yeah? And we can talk about it more when I'm not so tired," AJ added, smiling at him and kissing his wrist softly. "I love you, angel." 

"I love you too," Ezra answered automatically, smiling as he leaned in and kissed AJ very lightly, still careful of their cut lip. As he pulled away, AJ heard footsteps and looked up to see Marcus peering around the curtain. 

"Hey, sorry if I'm interrupting, I just need to check your IV bag, AJ, I think you're due a replacement. And um...I saw Catherine leave, I wanted to check you were okay." 

"Yeah, I'm okay," AJ answered quietly, and Ezra quickly swapped around to the other side of the bed to get out of Marcus's way. He walked over and checked the bag carefully, then nodded. 

"Let me go get a new one, okay? I'll be right back." 

AJ nodded and relaxed into the pillow, smiling as Ezra reached over and fixed their hair gently. "You are adorable, did you know?" 

"Only because you tell me," AJ answered, feeling much better now that they weren't being watched by their mother. Ezra chuckled and leaned in, kissing the corner of their lips again and pulling away just as Marcus came back. He got to work switching the bags over, glancing down at AJ with a smile. 

"I heard you had some dinner today, how was it?" 

"It didn't taste great, I have to admit," AJ chuckled, stroking their thumb over Ezra's hand. "And the jelly was the only thing I could really swallow." 

"I'll have to hoard some just for you in the staff fridge," Marcus grinned, disconnecting the old bag and hanging the new one before connecting it carefully. "It's good for a sore throat when it's cold. And I don't want to give unsolicited advice, but if you get this document called a lasting power of attorney or LPA, you can give Ezra the decisions over your medical care instead of your parents. It might be worth looking into," he added, and AJ blinked at him, then smiled. 

"That's great information, thank you," they answered, and he nodded, squeezing their shoulder lightly. 

"Tell you the truth, I'd be quite glad if she didn't show up again," he chuckled, and AJ nodded, glancing at Ezra. 

"Could you get Newt to get one as well as the deed poll? And is there a way to change my emergency contacts?" They smiled, directing the second question at Marcus, who nodded. 

"Yeah, it's just based on the NHS system, I'll get you a form to fill out, but you'll probably want to file the deed poll first, but I can take that and put that into the system for you as well." 

"That would be great," AJ said happily, squeezing Ezra's hand tightly. "I can't wait until it's just us." 

Ezra grinned and Marcus nodded, rubbing their shoulder again lightly. 

"I bet. I'll go find you that form and see if I can rustle up some more jelly for you, okay? You can at least get the form all filled out and signed." 

"Thank you," AJ murmured, and Marcus just nodded before walking off. Ezra squeezed AJ's hand tightly, slipping his phone out of his pocket. 

"I'll just text Anathema quick."

AJ hummed to themself and closed their eyes, relaxing calmly as Ezra's phone rang. He answered it immediately, chuckling softly. 

"Hey, yeah. Yep. Okay, if you could get that and bring it down with a pen...yeah. Okay. Yeah, they can file that here and everything, the nurse said he'd help. Okay. Yeah, see you in a bit." 

He hung up and ran his hand down AJ's arm lightly. "Sweetheart? You still awake?" 

In answer, AJ let out a soft little sigh and turned their hand over palm up, and Ezra slid his fingers into theirs. 

"Good. Anathema and Newt were just about to leave to come back here so they're going to bring the deed poll and LPA with them, okay? It'll be about fifteen minutes." 

AJ nodded slightly and Ezra squeezed their hand. 

"You okay?" 

"Just resting," they answered quietly, and felt his breath on their cheek before his lips connected lightly. 

"Okay, sweetheart. I love you." 

"I love you too," AJ sighed sleepily, nuzzling at his hand as he slid it over their cheek, stroking under their eye over and over. 

"I'm here, magpie," Ezra murmured, and they smiled in response, letting their eyes rest for a while. They just laid there contentedly, feeling Ezra's warm skin on theirs, for about ten minutes before they heard footsteps. They opened their eyes lazily and blinked Anathema into focus as she walked up to the bed, holding a file folder and a pen. 

"Hey, I brought everything," she said brightly, and Ezra's hand slid away from AJ's cheek as he quickly took the folder. 

"Perfect! Thank you so much," he smiled, and opened the folder, pulling out both documents. AJ took them carefully, skimming them and smiling when they saw Mrs. Tracy's signature at the bottom of their deed poll, next to Anathema's. They took the pen Ezra offered and signed in their old and new names, then began to read through the LPA more carefully. Once they'd finished, they signed it, along with Ezra, and he smiled at Anathema, handing the folder back. 

"So the LPA needs to be filed, but would you mind handing this to Marcus? There should be an emergency contacts form as well, I think he might have forgotten." 

"Yep, I'll be right back," Anathema smiled, winking at AJ, who managed a sleepy smile in response. Ezra grinned at them and leaned over, kissing their forehead lightly. 

"You're officially AJ Crowley now, how does that feel?" He chuckled, and AJ just smiled, reaching up to play with his hair. 

"It feels right," they murmured, and he nodded, giving them a brief, careful hug, just before Anathema came back with the new form. Once it was filled out, it was returned to Marcus, and Anathema took the deed poll and LPA back to the waiting room to give to Newt. 

As soon as she was gone, AJ closed their eyes again and Ezra let out a soft little sigh. "You should sleep, I'm putting the bed down," he announced, and AJ was too tired to protest, even if they wanted to spend as much time with him as was humanly possible. They opened their eyes briefly as the bed lowered, tugged Ezra down into a quick kiss, then settled back and closed their eyes again obediently. 

"Goodnight, magpie," Ezra murmured, and AJ smiled to themself ever so slightly. 

"G'night." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First off: I am really sorry!   
> I've had a lot of ups and downs lately, and some issues with editing (google docs ate allll of the comments left on the last doc by my editor for a start). I'm fine, nothing has happened to me, I promise!   
> I am a bit stressed with all of the comments I have in my inbox, though, so I just don't think there's any way I can get to them all - just know that I've read every single one and I appreciate them so much! It's so nice to know that people are invested in this story and enjoying the last stretch!   
> I do apologise in advance if the last few chapters are a bit lower quality, I'm still having editing issues, but I'd really like to get the rest of this story up for you guys <3   
> Thank you so much for all your concerns and I hope you enjoyed this chapter! <3


	40. Chapter Forty

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains: medical emergency, panic, hospital, sexual content, general angst, mention of police, viral infection (non-Covid19)

Ezra went home fairly soon after AJ fell asleep that night, thanks to Anathema's gentle insistence. He resisted at first, but she pointed out that he could start cleaning his room to get it ready to move AJ's stuff into, and that he wouldn't be any use the next day if he hadn't had any sleep at all. Eventually, he agreed to go home for a few hours and clean for a bit, then take a nap. 

The cleaning was fairly successful and went to plan, but unfortunately, the nap didn't. 

Ezra woke to find sunlight streaming through his window, his phone's ringtone having jolted him into consciousness rather rudely. He slapped for the irritating new flip phone and opened it, pressing it to his ear. 

"Hello?" 

"Is that Ezra Fell? It's St Andrew's." 

Ezra sat bolt upright, already scrambling to find his shirt. "Yes, speaking," he said quickly, and the nurse on the other end of the line cleared her throat. 

"Mr. Fell, since you're the emergency contact for AJ Crowley, I'm calling to tell you he's in critical condition. He contracted viral pneumonia and he's been moved to a private room and is on emergency treatment. He's currently stable." 

Ezra froze, his throat closing up, his hands beginning to shake. 

"I...I'll be there right away," he managed, then snapped his phone shut and grabbed for his prosthesis, shoving it on in record time. He tugged on a pair of sweatpants, pulled on some socks, snatched up his hoodie, and stumbled out of his room to find Anathema in the kitchen with Newt, sitting at the table. She looked at him in surprise, and he leaned in the doorway, panting slightly. 

"AJ is in critical condition!" He gasped out, grabbing at the doorframe to steady himself. "The hospital just called me, they h-have pneumonia!" 

Anathema blinked, then got up quickly, hurrying over to him and gently taking his arm. "Go brush your teeth and grab anything you want to take, okay? I'll get you something for breakfast and we'll go as soon as you're ready." 

Ezra nodded, managing to take a deep breath just before Anathema pulled him into a gentle hug, rubbing his back lightly.

"It's going to be alright, Ezra. Go on." 

He turned away as soon as she let go, hurrying down the hallway to the bathroom. He sorted himself out as quickly as he could, then rushed into his bedroom to see if there was anything he needed to take. Glancing around, his eye fell on the teddy bear on his bed, and he snatched it up quickly, hugging it to his chest. AJ loved hugging it when they weren't feeling great, and Ezra couldn't help thinking of it as lucky after it had helped him through his own hospital stay. 

Once he'd wracked his brain and decided there was nothing else he needed, he rushed back out of his room to find Anathema and Newt already pulling their shoes on. He followed suit, his hands shaking as he did up his laces, staggering slightly when he stood up. Newt gently steadied him and helped him out of the door, and they all hurried down to Anathema's car. 

The car ride was excruciating, but Ezra just stayed quiet and squirmed in his seat. Anathema tried to take his hand at one point, but he gently pushed it away, telling her to keep her hands on the wheel. She sighed, but just nodded slightly, focusing on driving with the minimum amount of fuss for Ezra's sake. 

As soon as they reached the hospital, though, Ezra was hurrying for the doors, Anathema and Newt jogging to catch up with him. He rushed to the reception desk and leaned against it, still shaking as the nurse looked up and smiled at him. 

"I'm here to see AJ Crowley," Ezra said quickly, his tone almost pleading. 

"Of course, they're in the ICU private rooms, they're just past the main ICU ward. You'll see a big room with a desk in the middle and smaller rooms with glass doors around the outside, ask the desk there." 

Ezra nodded, thanked her breathlessly, and was off again, walking as fast as he could manage. It wasn't too difficult to find the right area, and once he'd asked another nurse, he was led to one of the glass fronted rooms. 

"You can take the bear in, but don't put it in the bed, okay? We don't want them having to deal with any extra contaminants. And use the hand sanitiser before touching him, there's also masks by the door." 

"Okay," Ezra mumbled, feeling almost as if he was in a dream as he grabbed a mask, slipped it on, and walked forward slowly. He set the bear on the bedside table where AJ would be able to see it, then cleaned his hands, and finally allowed himself to really look at them. 

They looked pale and small, a heart monitor rigged up to their chest, a tube taped down their throat to help them breathe. They blurred for a moment and Ezra wiped the tears away shakily, just as Anathema and Newt caught up, hurrying into the room and each grabbing their own mask. Ezra looked up at them shakily, then slowly pulled up a chair, his hands trembling as he very gently took one of AJ's limp ones. 

"I shouldn't have gone home," he whimpered, and Anathema quickly dragged another chair up beside him, sitting down and wrapping an arm around his shoulders as he rubbed AJ's hand between both of his, almost hoping that if he held them tight enough, they would simply wake up. 

"This isn't your fault," Anathema soothed, leaning against him and squeezing him gently. "They're immunocompromised and stuck in hospital, the likelihood of this happening was always high, and there's nothing you could have done." 

"But what if they were scared?" Ezra gasped, feeling the hot tears welling up and streaming down his cheeks at the thought of AJ being all alone without him. 

"I'm sure they weren't, Ez. I'm sure they knew you'd come watch over them, and you know they like Marcus, they would have felt safe knowing he was taking care of them," she murmured, handing Ezra a tissue while he just stared at AJ, willing them to just wake up, hoping, screaming inside his head that all he wanted was for them to be okay. 

Anathema leaned into him, rubbing his back slowly and just resting her head on his shoulder, apparently knowing that there wasn't much else she could say. Ezra just sat there, completely at a loss for what to do, his hands shaking, his tears seemingly endless. 

After a while, the door slid back and a doctor walked in, smiling at Ezra. He was tall, with dark tan skin and black hair, short and spiky. His eyes were a deep brown, his smile friendly and somehow comforting in its confidence and sincerity. He slipped a mask on quickly, walked over to the bed and picked up the clipboard at the end of it, then glanced at Ezra. 

"You must be the partner, I'm Dr. Hansen." 

"I'm Ezra, yes," Ezra confirmed shakily, going to get up, but the doctor waved a hand vaguely. 

"You're okay," he said quickly. "I know this all looks very scary," he went on, gesturing to the equipment all around AJ. "But basically, he-" 

"They use 'they' pronouns," Anathema interrupted quietly and the doctor stopped, blinked at her, then nodded and made a note on his clipboard. 

"They contracted viral pneumonia. They began to cough last night and they were given a light sedative to prevent damage to their injuries. They crashed about an hour after that, their heart rate dropped and they were having trouble breathing, so we moved them into here. The tube there," Dr. Hansen said, pointing to the one in AJ's throat. "Is helping their lungs continue to breathe properly. The heart monitor is so we can be alerted to any changes right away, and all these drips and IVs are giving them antivirals, fluids, and calories to help them fight this off. Do you have any questions?" 

"Are they going to be okay?" Ezra asked immediately, desperately, and Anathema squeezed him gently, rubbing her hand over his shoulder slowly. 

"It's very early days yet, but they stabilised quicker than we expected and they seem to be responding well to the medication. We're cautiously hopeful." 

Ezra nodded shakily and Anathema kept rubbing his back slowly, gently. "Are visiting hours the same here?" She asked quietly, and the doctor sighed, shaking his head. 

"Unfortunately not, we need time to clean and we find that patients with infections require a lot more rest and benefit from less exposure. Visiting hours are restricted from eight until six." 

Ezra stared at nothing for a while, then nodded slightly. 

"I'll be around if you have any more questions, but I'll leave you guys in peace for now," Dr. Hansen announced, and left, the glass door sliding shut behind him as Ezra sighed and leaned into Anathema. Newt pulled up a chair next to her other side and took one of her hands, squeezing lightly while Ezra just watched AJ, staring at their chest rising and falling as if his gaze was the only thing keeping their lungs going. 

Ezra didn't know how long he sat there, just staring, before Newt got up and announced that she was going to run some errands. He watched her leave blankly, then just went straight back to watching AJ sleep, his hand on their arm, stroking up and down slowly. 

Anathema's hand ran over his back and he sighed, glancing at her. 

"Why did this happen? They're...they're the sweetest person I've ever met, this just...it's not fair," he whimpered, and Anathema shook her head slightly, stroking his hair. 

"I know, Ez. It's not fair, not at all. But they're going to be okay. I'm sure of it. They're strong and they have so much to fight for. Newt is going to get some boxes for their stuff today, we can focus on making your room nice for them. Is there anything else that needs doing?" 

Ezra sighed and glanced at AJ, squeezing their hand lightly. "I'm not sure," he mumbled, just as his phone rang in his pocket. He answered it quickly, pinching the bridge of his nose. 

"Hello?" 

"Hey, Ezra. It's Detective Jeffries. I have some good news, we've taken all the evidence off your phone that we needed, so you can come by the station and pick it up anytime. Do you think AJ would be up for answering some more questions today?" 

Ezra's breath hitched and he let out a slow breath so he wouldn't start crying all over again. "They um...they're not doing so well, they got pneumonia." 

Jeffries was silent for a moment, then sighed softly. "I'm very sorry to hear that. I won't bother either of you for a while, okay? Just call me when they're ready to talk, and take your time. I'm still working on some leads."

"Thank you...I'll um...I'll call when I can." 

"Okay. I hope they get better soon, I'm sure they will." 

"Thank you." 

Ezra hung up and slipped his phone away, sanitising his hands again before taking AJ's hand. "That was the detective," he mumbled, feeling Anathema's hand on his back again. "She said I can pick up my phone." 

"Oh, I can ask Newt to do that," Anathema suggested, and Ezra nodded slightly. 

"That would be good. I might...I might give it to AJ when they wake up, to...to play games on and stuff, y'know?" 

"I have an iPad they can borrow," Anathema smiled, ruffling his hair lightly. "I can get Newt to pick that up as well, I'm sure AJ will be waking up soon, and they'll want something to keep them busy."

"I hope so," Ezra mumbled, and Anathema pulled him into her side gently, squeezing him tight. 

"I know so." 

About an hour of just watching AJ later, Newt came back, setting an iPad and charger down on the bedside table and handing Ezra his phone.

"It took a bit of arguing to get it, they wanted me to show them ID, but luckily Jeffries came down and told them she knew me," she smiled, and Ezra thanked her quietly, unlocking his phone. 

He had a good few notifications, but the first one that caught his eye was an email on his academic account. It was from his dissertation adviser. 

Ezra's heart dropped into his stomach and he winced, opening the email quickly. He'd missed a deadline yesterday, he'd been due to submit an outline of his dissertation, and he'd completely forgotten. 

"Ez? You okay?" Anathema asked softly, and he closed his eyes, emotion suddenly rushing through him as if a dam had broken inside him, fear, frustration, anxiety, and despair all choking him as he started to cry. 

"Oh, Ezra, come here, what's going on?" Anathema murmured, gently taking the phone from him and pulling him into her side. He clenched his jaw, struggling to breathe as he opened his eyes and just stared at AJ, tears burning as they slid down his cheeks. 

"I f-forgot a d-deadline, but I have no idea h-how I'm going to finish my dissertation now!" He choked out, and Anathema pressed a tissue into his hand, rubbing his shoulder as he leaned into her. 

"I don't think you are," she said softly, and Newt exhaled sharply. 

"Anathema, I-" 

"I know, it's not comforting," Anathema answered hurriedly, then squeezed Ezra lightly as he just stared at his lap and cried. "But Ezra, AJ is going to be in hospital for a long time. I'm sure they're going to be fine, but with their condition, it's going to take them a while to get strong enough to leave, and then when they do come home, it's still going to be tough for a while. I think...I think you should intermit. It would take that stress off and give you breathing space, and you can come back to it when they're better." 

"I think that would be a good idea," Newt agreed quietly, moving to sit on Ezra's other side and rubbing his back gently. "You need to take the pressure off yourself as much as possible." 

Shaking, Ezra managed a tiny nod, drying his cheeks and closing his eyes as he slumped back in the chair. "Y-you're right, I just...I don't want to, I've worked so hard." 

"I know, Ezra," Anathema murmured, stroking his hair slowly. "But I really think it would be best. You could keep doing your internship, couldn't you? If you ask for some time off to be with AJ. And then at least when you come back to your degree, it'll be a bit easier." 

Ezra managed a shaky nod, drawing in a deep breath. He gently took the phone from Anathema and steeled himself before going through the rest of his notifications. They were all useless except for a series of texts from David, each one more concerned than the last, asking where AJ was and what had happened. 

Ezra decided he didn't have the mental energy to reply and tucked his phone away, then sanitised his hands again and leaned forward to take AJ's, wrapping it up in both of his. 

"It's going to be okay, Ez," Anathema murmured, and he gave a tiny nod, trying to ignore the little voice in the back of his mind;  _ you don't know that.  _

By the time visiting hours were over, Ezra was just feeling numb. Anathema had managed to coax him into eating lunch, but the food hadn't tasted of anything and he'd almost felt like he was going to bring it all straight back up. 

He'd managed to keep it down, but he realised he was getting utterly sick of the sound of the machine breathing for AJ, the rasping, mechanical noise that reminded him with every breath that it wasn't AJ. 

Even so, he had to be practically dragged from the room when visiting hours were up, both Anathema and Newt gently pushing him along, guiding him out of the hospital as tears blinded him and his hands shook. Ezra barely even reacted to the car ride, just sitting in the backseat slumped against the window, his mind full of AJ's smile. After a few minutes, he opened his phone and found the pictures he'd taken of AJ in bed, staring at them until tears blurred his vision too much and he had to give up. 

When they got home, Anathema tried to get him to sleep, making him a night time tea and sitting with him while he tossed and turned, but it was no good. His mind was too full of AJ and worry, thoughts going round and round in his head like  _ what happens if they crash again and I'm not there? What happens if I have to make the decision to pull the plug?  _

Trying to sleep was just making him more frustrated, so Anathema gently guided him to sit up, waving her hand at the flat cardboard boxes Newt had bought and placed in Ezra's room. 

"How about we go start on AJ's stuff? That's something proactive and it might tire you out enough to sleep," she suggested quietly, and Ezra nodded, his whole body feeling numb and heavy, his bed far too empty. 

Anathema left him to get dressed again and went to find Newt, so Ezra tugged his prosthesis on shakily, then slipped back into his hoodie and sweatpants before wandering out into the hall. Anathema hurried over to him, smiling worriedly, and gently took his hand. 

"Come on, then. Newt, can you grab the boxes please, love?" 

About ten minutes later, Ezra was unlocking the door to AJ's flat, his hands shaking slightly as he opened the door and stood back to let Newt and Anathema in. He followed them, pulling the door shut behind him and looking around. It didn't seem like Bea was in, so he went straight to AJ's bedroom, finding it as immaculate as ever. Newt began to put together some boxes, while Anathema began to open the dresser drawers, taking out stacks of folded clothes and placing them on the bed. Shaking slightly, Ezra opened the wardrobe and began to take down their hanging clothes, sniffling to himself when he spotted the little black dress they'd worn to the museum what seemed like ages ago. Newt went straight to their little dressing table and started pulling makeup out of the drawer, stacking it all on top of the tiny little desktop. 

Ezra carefully folded the clothes that had been hanging and placed them in a box, then put the hangers on top before starting to pack in the clothes Anathema was pulling from the drawer. After a few minutes, she made a surprised noise, and there was the clink of metal on glass as she pulled out a large jar, a masking tape label on it declaring it as 'bills.'

Ezra stared at it for a moment, then shrugged. "I guess we found their bank account." 

"We'd better take it, it was pretty well hidden," Anathema said quietly, looking rather sad as she handed the jar to Ezra. "I think they must be worried about people stealing." 

Ezra sighed and packed the jar in the box, just as Newt cleared her throat, pulling a second jar from a box full of sewing supplies. "There's another one here." 

"Here, I'll pack it with clothes," Ezra announced softly, taking it from Newt carefully. "I wonder how many there are," he sighed, the weight of the jar in his hands making him profoundly sad. It was a reminder of how difficult AJ's life was, and how they'd never really had a choice. They'd been groomed since they were a child, then kicked out by their parents, and now they were lying half dead in hospital. 

Anger washed over him and he took a deep breath, packing the jar carefully and adding some more folded clothes as his hands shook. If he ever saw Gabriel in person, he'd end up in prison. 

"Maybe we should be looking for the jars first," Anathema pointed out quietly. "That one says 'clothes,' I don't think it's the last one." 

"They all seem pretty well hidden," Newt commented softly, and Ezra sighed, going back to the wardrobe. He felt around at the bottom, then lifted the sewing machine out of the way and found a hole cut in the bottom of the wardrobe. He lifted the jar out and read the label. "Savings," he announced quietly, getting up and carrying the jar over to the box. 

Anathema sighed and helped him pack it, then knelt down and looked under the bed. They all milled around for a bit, opening and closing drawers and rummaging under things. 

Then Newt opened an opaque plastic chest of drawers and gave a small gasp, causing Ezra to look up from where he'd been checking the rest of the wardrobe. Newt slapped the drawer shut immediately, her cheeks flushed bright red as she glanced around sheepishly. 

"Um...I found their...supplies," she announced quietly and Anathema glanced at Ezra, already blushing as well. 

"You should look in there," she pointed out gently. "It would feel weird for either of us to do it." 

Ezra heaved a sigh and walked over to the drawers, crouching down. "And you think I don't find it weird?" He mumbled, then opened the first drawer. The dildos were organised perfectly, just like everything else in AJ's room, carefully packed so none of them were touching each other, kitchen roll tucked around them to keep them from moving. One of them had what looked like scales designed into the toy, thicker around the base than Ezra's arm. Another was folded over around the outside of the drawer, probably about two feet long and enough to make Ezra feel physically uncomfortable at the thought of anyone putting that anywhere in their body. He shut the drawer quickly and opened the next. It wasn't much better, full of condoms organised into different sizes, cock rings, chastity cages, and plugs of varying sizes, another catching his eye and making him a little nauseous at the sheer girth of the thing. The last drawer was less densely populated, sporting a couple of vibrators, an enema kit, and a few cock sleeves. Ezra slapped it shut and took a deep breath, then stood up. 

"Not in there," he mumbled, not looking at Newt or Anathema as he moved away from the drawers quickly. 

"Do you need some air or anything?" Anathema asked Ezra gently, and he shook his head, opening a backpack that had been under their bed. 

"No, I just...I want to finish all this," he muttered, still unsure how he felt. He didn't like the idea of AJ using any of that stuff - not because they used it on camera for other people, but because he couldn't imagine they actually  _ enjoyed  _ any of it.

Swallowing, Ezra wandered towards the door, finding several shoeboxes, one of which seemed rather heavier than the others. It was the box at the bottom, so Ezra moved all the others out of the way and opened it, pulling out another jar. "Spending," he said, wincing at how little was in that particular jar. He packed it with the others, then sighed. "I have a feeling that's it," he announced, and Newt moved over to stand beside him. 

"What about food?" 

"They barely eat," Ezra shrugged, tapping the top of the spending jar. "I'd bet good money that food comes out of this one. And clothes makes sense as a separate one because it's so important to their job." 

"God, this makes me sad," Anathema muttered, and Ezra nodded agreement, then heaved a sigh. 

"Let's get on with it." 

It took them another hour, but they got the entirety of AJ's room packed up in boxes, each one marked carefully to show what it contained. The first box they packed into Anathema's car was the box of clothes and money, followed by whatever they could fit. Ezra found a scrap of paper and wrote a note to Bea, taping it to AJ's door to let her know that they hadn't been robbed, but that AJ was in hospital and would be moving in with him when they left. Unfortunately, they couldn't fit everything in Anathema's car in one go, and they had to leave, Ezra locking the door on the way out and then glancing down. 

The lemon tree sat there forlornly, abandoned and starting to wilt a bit. Ezra made a snap decision and picked it up hurriedly, jogging to catch up with Anathema and Newt. Anathema smiled at him when she saw him holding the plant, but didn't say anything, just leading him out to the car. There wasn't any room for the tree, so Ezra sat with it on his lap, hugging it to his chest as he just stared out of the window and watched the world go past. 

Once they got home, Ezra set the tree down in the kitchen, then helped ferry the boxes in to his room, stacking them all in the corner and sighing when he saw AJ's life all boxed up and shoved into his room. Anathema stood beside him, rubbing his shoulder lightly. 

"You can make it look nice for them now," she pointed out gently. "Maybe another dresser just for their stuff. They'd like that. And I think it'll only be one more trip." 

Ezra nodded slightly, taking a deep breath and dragging his hands down his face. "I just...I miss them," he whimpered, and Anathema turned, quickly pulling him into a tight hug, one hand on the back of his head.

"Oh I know, Ez. I know you do. But you've been so brave and so strong tonight, helping with all their stuff. And they're going to come home and they're going to love it. You can get your room set up just the way they'll like, and it'll be perfect," she soothed, and Ezra hugged her gently, clinging to her as she rocked him ever so slightly. "Come on, Ez," she murmured after a moment, carefully starting to pull away. "How about we get the pull-out bed out and watch a movie or something together? We can all pile on and then you don't have to be alone." 

Ezra nodded shakily, looking down at the floor and taking a deep, slow breath. 

"I need a minute."

"Okay, I'll leave you to it and go get set up, okay? Take your time," she smiled sadly, kissing his cheek before slipping out of the room. Ezra sighed and slowly sat down on his bed, changing back into his shorts and taking his prosthesis off, still feeling numb. He thought about the lemon tree briefly, then took out his phone and looked up how to take care of it. It seemed rather complicated, but he decided that it definitely needed watering. 

Boosted by this; a definite, easy task that would make AJ happy, he got up, grabbing his crutches and making his way to the kitchen. He opened his phone and added a plant mister to his running shopping list, then took a cup down from the shelf, filling it with water and starting to pour it into the plant's pot carefully. He didn't want to over-water it, but it hadn't had attention for a few days, so he let the water soak in and then added some more. Once it seemed adequately damp, he moved it slightly to make sure it would get plenty of sunlight, then sighed to himself and made his way into the living room. Anathema and Newt were already sitting on the pull-out bed, pillows arranged neatly, so Ezra propped his crutches nearby and climbed into the bed, already feeling exhausted as he flopped down. Anathema ran her fingers through his hair absent-mindedly, flicking through Netflix on the tv. 

"How about something nice and soothing like a Ghibli film?" She suggested quietly, and Ezra nodded, too tired out - emotionally and physically - to respond. Anathema chose  _ Howl's Moving Castle _ at random and laid down, taking Ezra's hand tightly as Newt curled up beside her. Ezra squeezed her hand lightly and just watched the screen, his breathing starting to slow and deepen. After a while, he had trouble keeping his eyes open, and just let go, succumbing to his exhaustion with his friends beside him, comforting him. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys!   
> Once again this chapter hasn't been edited due to google docs shenanigans but I'm having a shitty time (my boyfriend broke up with me yayyy /s) and I'm trying to distract myself so I thought I'd put up a chapter for you guys :)   
> I don't really have a schedule rn because I'm still struggling with uni and my general (very bad) mental state but I am determined to get all of this up in a reasonable time frame! I've really missed updating regularly so I'm excited about finishing off this huge project lol   
> Also thanks for all your lovely comments on the last chapter, it means a lot! ♡♡♡


	41. Chapter Forty One

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains: hospital, discussion of AJ’s backstory (let me know if you want to skip it or anything - I can tell you which bit to skip :) ), sexual content.

Ezra woke early the next morning, alone in the pull-out bed. He could hear voices in the kitchen, so he sat up, dragging his hands down his face for a moment before getting up, leaning on his crutches and tucking his phone in his pocket. He made his way into the kitchen a little unsteadily, finding Newt and Anathema making pancakes together. 

"Hey, Ez," Anathema smiled when she noticed him, gesturing to a plate on the counter. "There's some pancakes there, go for it. I'm gonna drop you at the hospital in about half an hour if that's okay, I have to go to class to give a presentation today, but I'll be back around one-ish." 

"Okay, thanks," Ezra mumbled, feeling a bit dazed still. He glanced at the lemon tree and noticed that one of the leaves had dropped off, his heart sinking. He grabbed the plate and sat down, taking his phone out and quickly opening amazon. Once he'd ordered some fruit tree-specific plant food and a water mister, he set his phone aside and began to eat, his whole body numb and tired. Newt sat down next to him with her own plate a couple minutes later, rubbing his back lightly. 

"How are you feeling today?" She asked gently, and Ezra just sighed, shaking his head slightly as Anathema set a glass of orange juice in front of him. 

"Drink up, you need to keep your immune system going too," she announced, ruffling his hair and causing him to roll his eyes fondly. 

"I'm doing okay, I guess. I'm still worried and upset, and really tired, but not worse than expected," he answered Newt quietly, and she nodded, squeezing his shoulder before picking up her knife and fork. 

"I'm glad, that's something at least." 

Ezra managed a small smile and nodded, going back to his breakfast just as his phone rang. He stared at it for a moment, dread heavy in his stomach, then snatched it up. 

"Hello?" 

"Ezra! Oh, it's good to hear from you, I've been so worried! I've been trying to text you and AJ, but you guys haven't been answering, is everything okay?" David rushed out all in one go, and Ezra swallowed hard, his throat suddenly tight and uncomfortable. 

"Um...not really. AJ's in hospital," Ezra mumbled, and there was a short silence from the other end of the line. 

"Shit," David said quietly, flatly. "What...what happened? Are they okay?" 

"They're in critical condition," Ezra managed shakily, forcing himself to take a deep breath as he felt Anathema's hands on his shoulders, rubbing gently. "Um...you know that client they had, Gabriel?" 

"Yeah," David said slowly, his tone suggesting he knew quite a bit about Gabriel. "The psycho who cut them all the time, right?" 

"Yeah, um...Michael took money from him a-and gave AJ to him, they said they weren't going to see him anymore so she tricked them and he drugged them. He...he tried to kill them," Ezra sniffed, struggling to keep his voice even as the memories flashed up, the blood welling out of AJ's wounds, hot and dark, deep red. 

David was quiet for another moment, then sighed, his voice sounding strained when he spoke again. "I...I didn't know, I...I should have-" 

"You couldn't have done anything," Ezra interrupted firmly, his breath hitching as the tears stung his eyes. "They...they're pretty cut up and they have some broken bones, but...they got pneumonia." 

"Fuck," David muttered, his tone thick and shaky. "I...oh fuck...are they...are they okay?" 

"I don't know," Ezra forced out, closing his eyes and sending the tears streaming down his cheeks. "I haven't been to see them yet today," he rasped, and David sighed. 

"Okay. Would it be okay for me to come? I know...I know we're just coworkers or whatever, but I always thought of them as a friend," he said hesitantly, and Ezra nodded slightly. 

"Of course. They're at St. Andrew's, I'm going to be there in about forty five minutes and I'm staying until six. You can come by anytime, they're registered as AJ Crowley, but um...I have to go get ready now." 

"Okay, Ezra. I'll um...I'll see you later. Thanks for picking up and letting me know." 

"Of course." 

Ezra hung up and just stared at his plate for a while, his appetite suddenly gone. Anathema hugged him from behind, her arms around his shoulders, but it didn't feel right. He wanted one of AJ's hugs, he wanted their lithe body against his, their surprisingly strong arms around his neck. He wanted to hold them and know that they loved being held, he wanted to comfort them and kiss them and tell them they were going to be alright and he was going to take care of them. 

Ezra got up quickly, gently dislodging Anathema and grabbing his crutches, heading for his bedroom as he heard Newt's voice, gently telling Anathema to let him go. Ezra shut his bedroom door behind him and ripped open one of the boxes, his hands shaking as he drew out that little black dress, dropping to his knees and burying his face in it. It smelled so good, of AJ and happiness and sweet, love-filled memories, but Ezra couldn't stop crying. He wanted it back, he would give anything to be back in that awful awkward stage with AJ, constantly just a few inches from kissing them. It had felt so frustrating and agonising at the time, but it was  _ nothing  _ compared to the pain he was going through now. 

The worst part was feeling so helpless. There was nothing else he could do, AJ was lying in that hospital bed fighting for their life, and all he could do was hold their hand. He could sit there and stare at them and keep them company, but that was it. He couldn't even kiss them to make them feel better or make a joke so they'd laugh. All he could do was  _ sit there  _ and he hated it. 

A knock on the door made Ezra jump and he looked up sharply, hugging the dress into his chest. "Yeah?" 

"We're leaving in about ten minutes, Ez," Anathema called softly. "Newt has packed some snacks and stuff for you, so all you gotta do is get dressed, okay?" 

"Okay, thanks," Ezra answered, managing to keep his voice even as he dried his cheeks shakily. He dug through the box a little more, finding a silk scarf and a bottle of AJ's perfume. He sprayed a little extra perfume onto the scarf, then shoved it into his hoodie pocket before heaving himself up to fit his prosthesis and pull his sweatpants on. 

When Ezra got to the hospital, he went straight to AJ's room, putting a mask on and quickly sanitising his hands before taking a seat beside the bed. He put the backpack Newt had packed for him onto the floor and immediately took AJ's hand, squeezing tightly. They were still out cold, so he ran his hand up the inside of their forearm, just staring at their pale face for a while. 

After a few minutes, the door opened and Dr. Hansen stepped in, already wearing a mask this time. 

"Hey, Ezra. The nurse told me you came in," he said quietly, his voice seeming neutral, his expression impossible to read. "AJ has been keeping stable, which, at this point, is a good sign. We haven't seen any improvements yet, but that's not unusual. Do you have any questions?" 

Ezra glanced at AJ, and then sighed quietly, linking his fingers in their limp ones. "How long do you think this is going to go?" 

"There's really no way of saying," Dr. Hansen answered with a sigh. "But if things continue on this trajectory, I'd say anywhere from six to twelve weeks in hospital. They're very weak, they're underweight and malnourished, and their HIV viral count is still higher than we'd like, in addition to the blood loss and the shock their body has been through. But they seem to be very tough and resilient." 

Ezra nodded, squeezing AJ's hand lightly and running his thumb over their knuckles. "Thank you. I...it's just nice to have an estimate, you know? It makes it feel less...endless." 

"I understand, just waiting is very difficult. Let me know if you need anything else." 

"Thanks." 

As soon as the doctor had left, Ezra gently took AJ's hand in both of his, squeezing it and rubbing over their knuckles gently. He stared at them for a while, willing them to move or stir or breathe heavier, something.  _ Anything.  _

But they remained perfectly still, the mechanical sound of their assisted breathing almost like fingernails down the blackboard of Ezra's mind. Eventually, he tore himself away from them and just moved his chair closer before slipping his phone out of his pocket. He unlocked it and opened the email from his dissertation adviser. Reading it a couple more times, he finally made a decision and rang the phone number, tapping his foot lightly while he waited. 

She picked up on the third ring, her voice friendly as always. "This is Dr. Fischer's office." 

"Hey, um...it's Ezra," Ezra said quietly, forcing his own voice to stay even and calm. 

"Oh, Ezra! Did you get my email?" 

"Yeah, that's why I'm calling, I hope you don't mind," he sighed, pressing his hand over his eyes, trembling with the effort of keeping himself together. 

"No, of course not. Is everything okay?" Dr. Fischer asked gently, obviously picking up on his strained tone. Ezra had known her since his undergraduate degree, and she'd always been nothing but lovely to him. They'd had some good conversations over the years, and he'd always picked her classes purely because he liked her so much, all of which meant she knew him fairly well. 

"Um...not really, actually," he mumbled, taking a deep breath. "My um...my partner was.." he glanced at AJ and nearly choked on the words. "Was stabbed and um...is in the hospital," he went on a little shakily, grabbing for their hand and squeezing it lightly, reminding himself they were still there with him. "I'm...I'm going to intermit for the rest of the year." 

"Oh...oh my God, I'm so sorry, Ezra," Dr. Fischer rushed out, sounding genuinely concerned. "Are they okay?" 

"They're um...in critical condition, I'm...I'm with them now, I...it's early days," he sighed heavily, letting go of AJ's hand to stroke up their thigh lightly, knowing it was one of their least damaged areas. "I just...I need to be here, and classes and everything, it's just...it's too much." 

"Of course, I completely understand," she answered quickly, giving a soft little sigh. "I'm really sorry, Ezra, I hope they get better soon. I'll make sure you don't get any more emails from the department, alright? Whenever you feel ready, I think there's an online form to fill out. And if you call the people who do your internship separately, you should be able to take some time off but still complete the credit for that when your partner is out of hospital. If that's something you want to do, of course." 

"Thank you, that's...that's good to know," Ezra murmured, forcing a tiny smile and leaning towards AJ slightly, wishing he could curl up beside them and stroke their cheek until they woke up. 

"It's no trouble, Ezra. Don't hesitate to call if you need anything else, okay?" 

"Okay. Thanks again, bye," Ezra answered with a slightly more genuine smile. 

"Bye, Ezra," Dr. Fischer hummed before hanging up, and Ezra dropped his hand back into his lap, staring at nothing for a while. Then he went to the university's website and found their online form. It took him a while to fill out, as he had to take a few breaks to calm down, but eventually it was sent. 

Ezra took AJ's hand again, rubbing their knuckles and their forearm, sniffling a bit as he leaned against the bed. It felt difficult, knowing that he was giving up his studies for a while. He loved his degree, but at the same time, it did feel as if a considerable weight had been lifted from his shoulders. He knew there was no way he'd be able to get work done in this state, and he hated the idea of spending time away from the hospital after the night he'd left and AJ had crashed. 

Realistically, in the rational side of his brain, Ezra knew that it wasn't his fault, but it was hard to shake the feeling that him not being there was the reason AJ had gotten so ill. He remembered the way they'd smiled at him and their weak grip on his hand and had to blink away the tears, lifting their hand to gently press it against his cheek. 

"I'm here, my love. I'm not going anywhere," he whispered, completely for his own benefit, then kissed their fingers through his mask and laid their arm back down to the bed. Just as Ezra linked his fingers with theirs again, he heard the door open and looked up to see the nurse walking in, followed by Mrs. Tracy. 

"Hey, Ezra, you've got a visitor," the nurse announced before heading over to AJ's bed to check them over. 

Mrs. Tracy smiled at Ezra and slipped a mask on, and he just stared for a moment, then got up hurriedly and rushed to hug her. Chuckling, she caught him gently and squeezed him tight, rubbing his back as he clung to her. 

"I've come to keep you company, my dear," she murmured, and Ezra swallowed back the sobs, pulling away quickly with a shaky smile. 

"It's so good to see you!" He managed, and Mrs. Tracy gently guided him back to his chair while the nurse fiddled with something next to AJ's bed. Mrs. Tracy looked over at AJ as she sat down and sighed. 

"No improvement yet?" She asked, and Ezra shook his head, cleaning his hands again before taking AJ's in his. 

"Not yet. But it hasn't gotten worse." 

"That's a good start," Mrs. Tracy nodded, thanking the nurse before she left. Then she looked at Ezra, running a hand down his back slowly. "How are you feeling, dear?" 

"How much time have you got?" Ezra joked a little bitterly and she just tilted her head with a small smile. 

"All the time in the world, Ezra. This isn't my first time sitting up with someone in hospital. Not by a long way," she murmured, and Ezra sighed, looking at AJ again. 

"I'm worried. They have...they have HIV," he said slowly, and she just nodded. "And now they're fighting pneumonia as well as everything else." 

"That's definitely a worry," Mrs. Tracy answered with a nod. "And the antivirals are probably going to do quite a number on their body. They're generally very intense drugs. But they're strong," she added, rubbing Ezra's shoulder slowly. "And they have you here, hmm? Looking after them. Their guardian angel." 

Ezra blushed and glanced at her in surprise. "They told you about that?" He asked incredulously, and Mrs. Tracy just chuckled.

"They told me about a lot of things, dear. They need therapy, but there aren't a lot of therapists out there experienced enough to help someone with internalised transphobia, misogyny, the trauma of sex work, and everything else they have to deal with. A lot of people like that come to me for 'little chats.' It helps," she said quietly, glancing at AJ and sighing softly. "But truly, they do think of you like that. They love you to bits." 

Ezra's blush darkened and he rubbed their hand between his lightly, glancing at their beautiful, yet pale face. "I don't know how much longer I can stand this." 

"As long as you have to. Human beings are surprisingly resilient," Mrs. Tracy pointed out. "And you love them, which might not feel helpful at the moment, but it will help you get through this." 

"I had to intermit for the rest of the year, for my degree, y'know? And I know it's the best thing, I just...it makes me kind of sad," Ezra admitted, finding it just so easy to pour his troubles out to that kind, attentive face. Mrs. Tracy reached up to stroke his hair lightly, her hand gentle and careful. 

"I understand. You're giving up something that makes you happy, that you've worked so hard on, but you will get back to it. AJ will be fine and they'll be there with you when you start again, they'll support you." 

Ezra smiled sadly, glancing at them again. "I hope you're right." 

"I know I am. I was around during the big HIV epidemic, you know. And I know how far treatments have come these days, AJ has the best chance possible," Mrs. Tracy said firmly. "They're going to be okay." 

With that, she sat back and opened her tote bag on her lap, pulling out a ball of wool and two knitting needles. "Anathema mentioned you were moving AJ's things, how's that going?" Mrs. Tracy asked as she got to work, and Ezra looked at her for a moment before sighing quietly. 

"It's okay. A bit difficult, emotionally. I brought their lemon tree home and it immediately dropped a leaf, which makes me feel really guilty. I know that's silly, but...I don't know." 

"It's normal to get focused on things like that in times of intense stress," Mrs. Tracy reassured him quietly, and he watched her needles for a moment, mesmerised by the quick movements. 

"Yeah, and they...they've had it for six years, I don't want to be the one to kill it," Ezra chuckled weakly, and she smiled, her eyes softening as she kept knitting, the quiet clicking of the needles drawing Ezra's attention away from that awful rasping machine at last. 

"I'm sure it'll be fine. It's probably just feeling neglected after the couple days it was left. You should find something to do with yourself while you're here, you know." 

Ezra heaved a sigh, looking back at AJ and stroking their knuckles slowly. "Yeah, I've tried reading, but I just...I can't focus. And I don't really have hobbies, apart from book restoration, and that's a bit difficult to do in a hospital," he muttered, and Mrs. Tracy prodded him gently with a spare pair of needles. She winked at him. 

"Anathema might have told me she was worried about you," Mrs. Tracy chuckled, and Ezra shook his head slightly. 

"I don't know how, and...and I feel like I should be doing something to help them." 

"Well that's nice and all, dear, but you're not a doctor or a miracle-worker. Knit them a blanket, come on. I'll show you, it's not difficult, and they'll appreciate it when they wake up." 

Ezra sighed again and gave in, knowing it probably would make him feel better as he took the needles. 

After about half an hour, he was finally starting to get the hang of it, working a bit more quickly and humming to himself as he went. Mrs. Tracy was contentedly working on her own mystery project, keeping an eye on Ezra and occasionally helping him when he dropped a stitch or messed up. He'd managed a couple inches of fairly passable scarf by the time David texted him to let him know he was at the hospital. Ezra texted back to tell him he was with AJ and went back to what he was doing, looking up a few minutes later as the door opened. David stared at AJ in shock for a moment, then slipped a mask on with shaky fingers and hurried over, his eyes wide. 

"How are they doing?" He asked quickly, cleaning his hands with the hand sanitiser before running his fingers up AJ's arm gently. 

"No better, no worse," Ezra answered simply, and then glanced at Mrs. Tracy. "Uh, David, this is Mrs. Tracy, she's my friend and my landlady, Mrs. Tracy, this is David, he's mine and AJ's old coworker and friend." 

David smiled shakily and nodded to her, then looked down, stroking AJ's hair lightly. "They look so pale," he mumbled, and Ezra sighed, nodding slightly. 

"They were awake for a while, but then the pneumonia happened," he said quietly, and David swallowed, then walked around the bed and pulled up a chair next to Ezra's. 

"How are you doing?" 

"About as well as can be expected," Ezra shrugged, and David nodded worriedly, glancing at AJ again. 

"I...I was going to bring some flowers, but then I thought maybe I'd better not...my mum used to get allergies sometimes, and I don't...I don't know about AJ," he mumbled, his voice getting small and shaky.

"It's okay," Ezra soothed, reaching out and gently squeezing his arm. "It's just nice that you're here. They'd like that." 

"Yeah, I um...can't stay for long, but I...it's good to see them, even if...if they're struggling. They were always nice to me, Michael used to have this issue with me when I first started about three years ago, she just used to pick on me all the time, but AJ would always talk to me afterwards and make me feel better. I know we weren't super close, but I did always think of them as a really good person and a sweet friend." 

"They are a good person," Ezra murmured, smiling slightly and taking a deep breath. David nodded his agreement and silence fell for a while, textured by the hated breathing machine and the clicking of Mrs. Tracy knitting. 

"I'm going to organise a walkout," David announced after a few minutes. "Because of what she did to AJ." 

"Good," Ezra said simply, cleaning his hands again before leaning over AJ slightly, fussing with their blanket a little possessively. "Michael doesn't deserve to be alive, in my opinion. I can't imagine she didn't know what was going to happen." 

"She certainly doesn't care," David agreed quietly, and Ezra shrugged. 

"If she cared, she wouldn't have risked their life by putting them in his hands. I'm never going back there." 

"I don't blame you," David sighed as Ezra sank back into his chair, gently taking AJ's hand again, almost reflexively. "I think it's going to get shut down by the police anyway. I'll get your stuff from your locker for you, if you want."

"Yeah, that would be good. I um...don't think I could face going back there," Ezra mumbled, fiddling with AJ's fingers gently. 

"It's okay, you don't have to," David said simply, and Ezra nodded, his gaze going unfocused. 

Then David sighed and slowly stood up, leaning over to brush a lock of AJ's hair off their forehead gently.

"I have to go, but you'll keep me updated, won't you?" He asked quietly, and Ezra stood up as well, nodding. David opened his arms and Ezra hugged him, squeezing ever so lightly before allowing him to break away. They said their goodbyes and then Ezra was sinking back into his chair, picking up his knitting again with shaking hands. 

Mrs. Tracy didn't say anything, just continuing to knit quietly, while Ezra struggled to get back into the rhythm. After another row, he dropped his hands into his lap and turned his head to face his companion. 

"Can I ask you something?" He began softly, and Mrs. Tracy looked at him, still knitting, apparently by feel. 

"Go ahead, my dear," she smiled, and he swallowed, then glanced at AJ and down at his lap. 

"I...I'm really struggling with something I found out about AJ a-and...and I haven't even really started processing it because it's so...big and awful and it makes me so sad, and I just...I'd feel bad talking about it to anyone, but I really, really need to talk to someone," Ezra mumbled, trailing off, and Mrs. Tracy just looked at him. 

"I'm not sure I understand what the question is, Ezra," she prompted gently, and he swallowed, looking up at her desperately. 

"Do you think they'd understand if I talked to you about their past? I don't want to hurt them, but I just...I'm...I don't know how to deal with it." 

Mrs. Tracy looked thoughtful for a moment, then sighed and her hands finally went still. "Does it have to do with their family and this client Gabriel?" She asked quietly, and Ezra swallowed, nodding slightly. 

"They told you?" 

"That he was grooming them since they were about eleven, yes," Mrs. Tracy murmured, tilting her head slightly. "How did you find out?" 

"I held their hand while they told the detective," Ezra answered simply. 

She nodded, looking down at her lap and then leaning back slightly in her chair, her gaze once again thoughtful, but this time settling on AJ. "When they talked to me about it, they were asking me if they should tell you, and I told them they had no obligation to. They wanted you to know, I think, but they weren't sure they could face telling you, and they were scared of how you'd react. What was your first reaction?" 

"I just started crying," Ezra said quietly, leaning forward and taking AJ's hand absentmindedly, wanting to hold them to comfort himself more than anything. "It just made me so sad, that they'd had their childhood taken away, in essence. And it made sense, I suppose. You know, the first time they told me about their pimp, they looked so shocked when I pointed out that he raped them. Gabriel gave them such a completely fucked view of consent." 

"It happens," Mrs. Tracy nodded, her hand finding Ezra's shoulder and rubbing gently. "When someone you love and trust violates you like that, it's very difficult to form healthy ideas of what's okay and what's not. And then being in sex work and being forced into it...sometimes it's easier to think that it's your fault or normal somehow than to understand that a lot of people are bad and they do bad things. But you really are changing that for them, I promise you. One step at a time, right?" She smiled, and then paused for a few moments. "Does it change your view of them?" 

Ezra heaved a sigh and looked down, turning AJ's hand over to rub their wrist lightly, their hand cradled in his. "I guess the 'correct' answer is no, but it does. It makes me want to protect them, and I just...I just want to hug them and kiss them and tell them how much I love them and how perfect they are," Ezra sniffed, ignoring the tears burning his eyes. "It's hard not to see them as damaged goods, but I...I don't think of it as a bad thing, I just want to comfort them, y'know?" 

"I understand, but they're not damaged, at least not in the way a thing is damaged. They have trauma, but that's not the same thing as something being faulty or broken. They just have a past that sometimes affects their present, and that's the normal human experience, just a bit...more intense in their case. My advice in handling it would be to just continue with the way your relationship has been going. From what AJ has told me, you both have a strong emphasis on consent when you're together, and the atmosphere is very happy and loving. They're doing well."

Ezra managed a deep breath, taking AJ's hand in both of his and squeezing tightly, wishing yet again that he could just pull them into a hug and kiss and cuddle them. "I just want them to be happy and okay now. I can't change the past, however much I might want to," he said slowly, thinking as he spoke. "I...I really don't know what else to do. It still feels like a huge thing, but I don't know how else to think about it or try to process it. It's just so big and heavy." 

"I think some things are just a matter of time," Mrs. Tracy pointed out gently, her hand running over his arm slowly. "You'll get used to it, and it'll get smaller and lighter over time as you really, truly understand that it's always going to be there. Does that make sense?" 

"I suppose. I just wish I didn't have to carry so many things at once right now," Ezra mumbled, and Mrs. Tracy nodded. 

"I know, dear. You need to put down as many things as possible right now, anything non-essential." 

With that, Ezra suddenly realised that he'd just accidentally told his landlady that he was quitting his job, guilt and anxiety flashing through him all in one go. "I um...about my job, I-" 

Mrs. Tracy cut him off with a gentle squeeze to his arm. "Don't worry, my dear. There's no way I'd expect you to go back to that place, and you're busy being here with AJ. Don't worry about the rent until they're out of hospital, okay? You have enough to worry about." 

Ezra stared at her for a moment in shock. "Are...are you sure?" 

"Of course," she answered simply, smiling at him before going back to her knitting. "I take care of all my little tenants, they're like my family," she said happily, glancing at AJ. "And if there was ever a good reason to suspend rent, it's this."

"Thank you so much," Ezra rushed out, turning and pulling Mrs. Tracy into a hug. She chuckled softly and hugged back tightly, rubbing his back as she squeezed him gently. 

"It's alright, dear. You just focus on being with AJ and helping them get better, okay?" 

Ezra nodded shakily, gently pulling away from her and looking over at AJ again. "I miss them," he mumbled, and Mrs. Tracy just nodded. 

"I know you do. Keep practicing with that knitting and I'll get you some stuff to make a proper blanket," she said firmly, and Ezra did as he was told, finding the repetitive movements relaxing, something he could lose his mind in and forget about everything else for a while. 

Eventually, Anathema turned up and Mrs. Tracy gathered her things, promising that she'd keep Ezra company the next day as well. He gave her a hug before she left, and then Anathema gently dragged him from AJ's room to get some fresh air and eat some lunch. 

When they had to leave at the end of visiting hours, Ezra managed not to cry and instead just leaned over AJ, stroking their cheek and promising them that he'd be back soon. They hadn't reacted, which he supposed was what he'd expected, but it was still difficult. 

On the way home, Anathema rubbed Ezra's shoulder and told him she had a surprise for him at home, but he was too exhausted to muster up any real excitement, even as she led him inside the building and unlocked their apartment door. 

"It's in your room, you can go ahead," she announced, and Ezra nodded slightly, walking down the hall and feeling Anathema behind him as he opened his bedroom door. 

He stared for a moment, then smiled, stepping inside. Anathema had set out new bundles of different types of fairy lights on his bed, a new set of dresser drawers sitting in the middle of the room, along with a shoe organiser and a nice little wooden jewelry box. 

"Newt and I put it all together," Anathema said quietly, her hand briefly running down Ezra's back. "I figured you'd want to sort it all out yourself, but I thought getting things all set up ready for AJ coming home would make you feel better." 

Ezra turned and pulled her into a hug quickly, squeezing her tight as she hugged back, her hand in his hair. 

"Thank you," he murmured, then gently broke away, looking down and giving a soft sigh. "I...I think I need some time to myself, though." 

"That's okay, Ez," Anathema smiled, taking his hand and squeezing it briefly. "Newt is coming over in a bit and we're going to get pizza and watch a movie, you should join." 

"I will," Ezra promised, flashing her a tiny smile and stepping into his room. She just gave a little wave and walked off down the hall, leaving him to close the door quietly. 

Then Ezra got to work. It did feel good, knowing that he was getting things ready for AJ, that they would be able to move in completely stress-free when they finally left the hospital. And, although it made him miss them like crazy, it was also nice to go through their things. 

He had a lot of memories associated with their different costumes and outfits, and he liked organising things. It was oddly comforting to see their clothes hanging next to his in the wardrobe, as well. It certainly seemed more like concrete evidence that they would be moving in than boxes in the corner. 

Ezra folded what seemed to be endless clothes, trying not to blush too much when he put their underwear away, but smiling to himself when he saw how full the pajama drawer was. He thought back to how much he loved seeing AJ in comfy clothes, and relaxed ever so slightly, promising himself that he'd get to see them in his bed again, all curled up in their fluffiest pajamas and begging to be cuddled. 

Once all the dresser drawers were stuffed, Ezra filled the jewelry box with all of their earrings, body jewelry, necklaces, even a few bracelets he didn't think he'd ever seen them wear. After that came the shoes, a lot of which had heels that were too tall to fit in the shoe organiser, but he filled it and hung it on the back of the door, carefully storing the overflow at the bottom of his wardrobe. 

Then he stood in front of the dark blue plastic drawers for a while before getting up the courage to open them. Ezra swallowed hard and sighed to himself, running a fingertip over the surface of the scaled dildo, trying not to imagine AJ using it - although that wasn't too difficult; it really wasn't something he'd ever thought they would enjoy. Which probably meant they didn't. 

Even though they'd barely had any sexual experiences together, Ezra got the feeling that AJ much preferred tender touches to rough sensations, and he couldn't imagine them actually wanting to use something as brutal as the massive toy in front of him. Sighing again, Ezra shoved the drawers under his desk where he wouldn't have to look at them too often, then forced his attention back to the room at large. 

After a short break to think about what to do next, Ezra hung fairy lights around the room, finding a spare power strip and connecting them all to it so he could control them all with one switch. They hung from hooks stuck to the ceiling above the bed, almost like a web of different coloured and different shaped lights. Then he laid back in bed and just looked up at it, imagining how much AJ would smile when they got to cuddle up with him and look at the lights above them. 

A knock on the door made Ezra jump, and he sighed quietly. 

"Come in." 

Anathema opened the door and poked her head in, blinking. "Wow, it looks great in here! You got it all down to one box, too!" 

"Yeah, I just have some books and things to go, and I've left their money," he answered quietly, then pointed to the ceiling. "What do you think?" 

"I think it looks lovely and cosy and AJ is going to feel very lucky when they get home," Anathema smiled, then gestured to him. "I also think you should come and help us order pizza so you get what kind you want. You need to eat and then get some sleep." 

Ezra sighed, but heaved himself up, nodding as he walked to the door. "You're right. I just want some basic cheese pizza, anyway." 

"Alright, hon," Anathema smiled, rubbing his shoulder before leading him down the hall. The tv was on again, the couch all set up with plenty of blankets, Newt sitting and looking at her phone.

"He just wants cheese," Anathema announced, plopping down next to her girlfriend and leaning over to see her screen. "Should we get some drinks too?" 

Ezra walked over slowly and sat down next to Anathema, smiling to himself as she ran her hand down his arm absentmindedly. "Some coke would be nice," he murmured, and Newt nodded. 

"Cool, I've got it. What movie should we watch?" She hummed, glancing at Ezra, who managed another smile. 

"Could we watch another Ghibli? I found it comforting last night," he admitted, and Anathema took his hand, squeezing it tightly. 

"Of course, whatever makes you feel better," she answered softly, and Ezra relaxed even more, letting out a slow breath as he allowed himself to settle and let go of his worry for a while. It was easy to feel safe with his friends, despite everything. He felt he could be open about how he was feeling and how much comfort he needed, and that was enough for him to relax. He leaned his head on Anathema's shoulder and closed his eyes. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys!   
> I hope you liked this chapter! Again, it's not particularly well edited due to general life stuff, but I hope you still enjoy it!   
> Just an aside, I've been trying to get better at using Twitter regularly, so if you want to follow me (southdownsraph) on there, I do try to use it decently often and put some updates about what I'm writing there as well.   
> Also, as another little self-promotion, I wrote a story based on an incubus Crowley by one of my fave artists in the fandom (Aiwasensei), it's called 'my star in the sky' and I'm thinking about extending it into a longer AU, so if you're interested, go and check it out! <3   
> Hope you're all doing okay! <3<3


	42. Chapter Forty Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains: brief description of hospital apparatus being removed (ventilator, feeding tube).

Over the next two weeks, Ezra got more and more used to seeing AJ in hospital. It still wasn't easy, not by a long way, but it was beginning to feel normal, at the very least. He would spend all day at the hospital, arriving just as visiting hours began and getting picked up by Anathema a few minutes before six. And he was getting into the habit of going to the gym again after he'd gone home from the hospital. It was helping him get out all those difficult emotions, giving him a healthy outlet and something he could just lose himself in and not think for a while. 

Another thing that helped him cope was Mrs. Tracy's visits. Most days, she would come into the hospital to sit with him, chatting to him about whatever she could think of for at least a couple of hours. It was comforting, because Ezra knew he could talk to her about anything he liked, which somehow made it easier to handle small talk. And he was getting pretty good at knitting. She'd gotten him some thick, soft wool and some bigger needles, and he'd already finished a lovely, albeit slightly lumpy blanket that was sitting at home waiting for AJ to snuggle up in it. As soon as he'd finished, Mrs. Tracy had found him a pattern for a basic jumper and some new wool, and was guiding him through the difficult bits. 

The biggest worry in Ezra's mind - aside from the obvious anxiety about AJ's condition - had been the damned lemon tree. He'd done everything he could; he'd bought special plant food and a mister and he'd made sure to move it into the sun in the morning. He'd read countless articles about how to take care of it, and yet, it was still dropping leaves. The thing was wilting and dying, and nothing he could do seemed to be enough. 

In fact, the night before the two-week mark of AJ being on a ventilator, Ezra had come home from the hospital to find the tree had dropped another leaf. It had been a particularly difficult day, having had to talk to the doctors about the possibility of AJ being in a long-term coma, and the sight of the lemon tree looking so forlorn and sick had broken him. 

Ezra had fallen to the kitchen floor and just sobbed and sobbed, barely feeling Anathema's arms around him as she tried to comfort him, her hands rubbing up and down his side and back. It had taken him almost half an hour to fully calm down, after which he'd apologised profusely, but Anathema had just hugged him and said she understood. 

At the very least, Ezra's breakdown had made it easier for him to sleep that night, thanks to his exhaustion, and he arrived at the hospital the next morning feeling a bit more refreshed than usual. Anathema sat with him for a bit and kept a watchful eye on him while he ate his breakfast, and then had to leave for class about an hour before Mrs. Tracy came in.

She bustled in in her usual way, smiling behind her mask and pulling Ezra into a hug as he stood up, his knitting clutched in one hand so he wouldn't drop it. 

"Ooh! Let's see!" Mrs. Tracy grinned, and Ezra sat down with her, happily showing her his knitting and trying not to look too proud of himself. He knew it was just a basic pattern, but he'd never attempted such a big project before, and he was just glad it was starting to look vaguely jumper-shaped. 

"It's going to be quite big on them," Mrs. Tracy commented, and Ezra nodded, getting back to work. 

"Mhm. They like big clothes, and I'm thinking maybe this could be just an around-the-house kind of thing for them, y'know? And I can make a proper one when I can take measurements and I'm better at it." 

"I'm sure they'll love it," Mrs. Tracy hummed, squeezing his wrist lightly before going back to her own project. "Perhaps you should make one with a magpie on it for your next one. That would be cute." 

"It sounds a little out of my skill level," Ezra chuckled, but it was a thoughtful laugh. He decided to look up patterns later, just as he saw a movement out of the corner of his eye. He ignored it to begin with - he'd gotten used to thinking he saw AJ moving, particularly when he was alone. Wishful thinking and anxiety could play some pretty vivid tricks on the mind, after all. 

But then AJ coughed. 

Ezra jumped violently and shoved his knitting into his bag, quickly cleaning his hands and leaning over his partner. They coughed again, gagging around the tube in their throat, and Ezra slapped the nurse button just as their hands began to move up sluggishly, trying to grab at the tube. He gripped their wrists as gently as he could, just holding. 

"Hey, magpie, it's okay," he soothed hurriedly, his voice trembling slightly. "I'm here, sweetheart, you're okay," he murmured, his breaths slow as he focused on AJ's fluttering eyelids. They began to relax slightly, their arms going limp into his grip just as the nurse rushed in, immediately firing off a bunch of questions. Ezra did his best to answer them, a bit confused and disoriented by the excitement. 

She leaned over AJ, just as those golden eyes finally opened all the way, dull and groggy, but still open. "AJ, you're okay," the nurse said quickly, and Ezra gently grabbed at one of their hands, squeezing it tightly so they knew he was still there. His heart was pounding in his chest, and he jumped when Mrs. Tracy's hand ran over his back, rubbing between his shoulders gently. "I know this is uncomfortable, but try to relax. The tube is to help you breathe, okay?" 

Then the nurse looked up at Ezra and nodded slightly. "I'll go and get the doctor, okay? They're still heavily sedated, so they're a bit out of it." 

Ezra nodded, then pulled up his chair and sat down as AJ's eyes closed again, their grip on his hand loosening. He rubbed his thumb over their knuckles and glanced at Mrs. Tracy as she pulled her own chair closer, smiling at him. 

"They're doing really well," she assured him softly, and Ezra looked back at AJ's face worriedly. 

"They...I'm not sure if they're awake anymore," he mumbled, and Mrs. Tracy sighed. 

"I think they're resting," she said gently, and Ezra looked up as Dr. Hansen walked in, smiling behind his mask. 

"Hello, I hear we've had some good news," he announced in his loud, friendly voice, walking straight over to AJ's bed and leaning over them. He glanced at the machine monitoring their vitals and nodded slightly, then lifted one of their eyelids. 

"They're still conscious, just heavily sedated. It's best for now, just to make sure they're not coughing and aggravating their injuries. But I'm going to start lessening the sedation over time and weaning them off the ventilator, okay? It's probably going to take several days, but things are really looking up." 

"Is there anything I can do?" Ezra asked immediately, and Dr. Hansen shrugged. 

"Not really, but talking to them will probably keep them calm. Waking up with a big tube down your throat is never a fun experience, but they're able to hear you, and see you when their eyes are open. They probably won't remember anything later, but they're conscious enough now to know you're there and to feel comforted by you being around." 

"Thank you," Ezra smiled, and the doctor nodded, shoving his hands into his pockets. 

"No problem. I'll go and get that all set up for them." 

As soon as Dr. Hansen was gone, Ezra scooted his chair as close to AJ as he could get, one hand linked with theirs, his other stroking up and down the soft skin on the inside of their forearm. 

"I'm here, sweetheart," he announced quietly, and his chest tightened when he saw AJ's eyelids flutter again. "I love you, AJ. My magpie," he went on, emotion rising in his throat, choking him already. "I miss you, but I'm doing okay. I...Mrs. Tracy taught me to knit, she's here right now, helping me watch over you," Ezra murmured, smiling slightly as he sniffed. "I've got everything all set up for you to move in, I can't wait. It's going to be so lovely having you at home with me, I'm so excited to spend time with you and cuddle you." 

AJ stirred again, their breathing changing rhythm as their eyelids opened again, their head turning slightly to look at Ezra. As soon as their gaze met his, Ezra was gone, tears welling up and streaming down his cheeks almost immediately, tears of joy and fierce, protective love. 

"Oh, sweetheart, you have no idea how much I've missed those beautiful eyes," he gasped, and a slight squeeze on his hand, more of a twitch than a squeeze, really, sent another round of tears down his cheeks, dripping off his chin into his lap. "You're going to be okay, my love," Ezra promised shakily, and AJ's fingers tightened on his again briefly, before their eyes began to close up again. Ezra let them drift away and looked around at Mrs. Tracy. Her eyes were a little wet too, but she just smiled when she realised Ezra was looking at her. 

"It's going to be okay," she assured him softly, and for once, Ezra felt like he could actually believe those words. 

* * *

Another six days dragged past, AJ getting slowly more alert, spending a lot of their time just staring at Ezra, sometimes even finding the strength to stroke his cheek. It was difficult to find things to talk about when they couldn't answer, so Ezra resorted to finding some audiobooks online and sitting beside them. They seemed to like watching him knit, so he kept working on the jumper he was making, enjoying the stories with them and just existing there with his love. 

When Dr. Hansen finally announced it was time for AJ to come off the ventilator, Newt, Anathema, and Mrs. Tracy all came to the hospital together, but only Ezra was allowed to hold their hand during the actual process. The nurse drew the curtain, allowing Ezra to stand out of the way, his fingers linked with AJ's. 

They gagged as the tube slid out, but managed to stay calm and only coughed a couple of times. Ezra nearly started crying then and there when he heard their first unassisted breath in, heavy and rasping through their oxygen mask, but all their own. 

As soon as the curtain was drawn again, AJ opened their eyes, looking up at Ezra and smiling weakly. The nurse had raised the bed for the extubation process, and Ezra couldn't help himself from leaning in and giving them a careful, gentle hug. 

He could feel the tears burning his eyes behind his eyelids, but he didn't care, he was too busy feeling the way AJ hugged back loosely, their head turning towards him, their mask bumping against his cheek. 

"Ezra," AJ forced out, their voice hoarse from disuse, but still recognisable as theirs, and enough to send the tears leaking out from between Ezra's eyelashes, streaming down his cheeks as he clung to his partner. "I love you," they mumbled, and Ezra almost whimpered with the force of the joy hitting him full in the chest. 

"Fuck...I love you too, so much," he gasped, gently beginning to pull away. AJ pouted a bit, but Ezra just dried his eyes and grabbed their hand, squeezing tightly as he stepped back enough for them to be able to see their friends all standing near the bed. AJ's eyes widened along with their smile, although they still looked a bit dazed and dull from the sedation. 

"Heyy," they grinned, and Mrs. Tracy hurried over first, taking their spare hand and holding it in both of hers. 

"Hello, darling! We've all been so worried about you!" She rushed out, and AJ looked at her for a moment, then nodded slightly. 

"M'okay," they answered vaguely, and Anathema walked over, standing next to Ezra while Newt hung back, apparently a bit nervous. 

"You've been out for about three weeks, do you remember anything about it?" Anathema asked gently, and AJ shook their head, then turned to look at Ezra. 

"You've been here with me," they mumbled, and Ezra nodded, squeezing their hand tightly. 

"Every day, my love," he said quietly, and AJ smiled dreamily, then yawned. Their eyes began to close up and the room went silent as they dropped off back to sleep, golden eyes hidden as they relaxed back into the bed. 

"That was a bit of an anti-climax," Anathema chuckled, then wrapped her arm around Ezra and squeezed tightly as he just stared at AJ, sudden panic seizing him. 

"What if-" 

"They're fine, Ezra. They just need a lot of sleep and they're on heavy meds," Anathema pointed out gently, leaning up slightly to kiss his cheek. "Come on, sit down. We'll all keep an eye on them together, they might have enough energy to talk for a while later." 

Ezra nodded reluctantly, still a bit anxious despite his relief, but sat down slowly, pulling his chair as close as he could get and just holding AJ's hand tightly. 

* * *

AJ didn't wake up much more that day, or the next few days. The nurses began to wean them off sedation by giving them time off the medication between doses, extending the time between each one to see if they stayed stable, but they had to wait until the pneumonia had completely cleared up before their sedation could be stopped entirely. Unfortunately, thanks to AJ's condition, it took almost another fortnight for them to be healthy enough for sedation to be stopped completely. In the meantime, Ezra kept up his routine of knitting and listening to audiobooks at their bedside. AJ often sat up in bed to listen, but they didn't talk much, as they found it frustrating to start a sentence and not be able to remember the end of it by the time they were halfway through. They just stuck to short, easy things like Ezra's name or 'I love you,' or pleading for hugs. Ezra readily gave them whatever they needed, but he was glad when the doctor finally said they were suitably healthy to be taken off their sedation. 

It was relatively easy, a nurse coming by to switch off the drugs and then checking in on them every fifteen minutes or so. It took AJ a little while to wake again, but when they did, they just turned their head and smiled at Ezra. Their eyes were soft and full of sleep, but happy enough. Ezra reached out and rubbed the inside of their forearm lightly with his fingertips, and saw their smile widen. 

"Hey," he murmured, and AJ nodded slightly. 

"Hey," they answered softly, and Ezra grinned, biting his lip briefly. 

"How do you feel? You're off sedation completely now." 

"Hmm. Okay," AJ smiled weakly, shifting skinny and wincing. "Still tender. And still a bit fuzzy and tired." 

"You can go back to sleep if you need," Ezra pointed out gently, and AJ just nodded, looking past him to the stuffed bear on the side. 

"I like being able to see you," they said, and Ezra felt the blush rising, his fingers lacing with AJ's comfortably. 

"Me too. I worry when I'm not here." 

AJ smiled and squeezed his hand just as the door opened and a nurse came in to check them over. 

She asked them a few questions and Ezra kept out of the way, but smiled at AJ happily when the nurse announced that it was time to take out their feeding tube. 

The process was even worse than taking out the ventilator, as the feeding tube had been placed through their nose, but the nurse worked quickly enough. Ezra handed AJ a tissue once it was done and they wiped their eyes, breathing a little shakily. The nurse set them up with a nasal cannula and a regular thin medical mask instead of the oxygen mask and told AJ that lunch would be brought round in about an hour. 

Once the nurse was gone, Ezra moved closer to the bed, squeezing AJ's hand tightly. They smiled at him tiredly and settled back into the pillows with a soft sigh. 

"I wish I could kiss you right now," Ezra mumbled, and AJ nodded, stifling a yawn. 

"Mm, me too. How are you, anyway? Like, in general. I know we've talked, but I just...I can't remember much," they admitted sheepishly, and Ezra reached out, playing with their hair gently and letting his hand rest on their cheek. 

"I'm okay, sweetheart. Mrs. Tracy gave me a break on the rent and I've taken some time off my internship, so I've just been here with you, really. And we moved all your stuff," he added, flashing them a soft smile. Panic washed through their eyes briefly and he just squeezed their hand gently. "We found four jars, is that right? We haven't touched them." 

AJ relaxed slightly and nodded, letting out a quiet breath. "Yeah, four is right," they mumbled, and Ezra ran his hand up the inside of their forearm. 

"David got all my stuff from my locker, too, he gave it to me last week. He's been to see you a few times. And he organised a walk out, everyone left the club. The police shut it down a few days later, though." 

AJ blinked, then smiled slightly. "Wow. I'm glad, but I feel sorry for everyone losing their jobs." 

"Yeah, I think David and some others are trying to find someone to invest and get it running again," Ezra shrugged. "But I don't really keep up with that too much, I know I'm not going back." 

"Has my mum come back?" AJ asked softly, and Ezra sighed, leaning against the bed slightly. 

"Yeah, a few times after you first got moved in here. She kicked up a real fuss when she asked for you and they told her there was no one here under that name. I didn't get involved or anything, I just heard from the nurses," Ezra murmured, pulling the blankets up around AJ carefully. "Do you miss her?" 

"Not at all," AJ chuckled softly, squeezing his hand. "I've got you now." 

"Mhm. Always," Ezra assured them quietly, and AJ closed their eyes sleepily, their hand still linked with Ezra's.

"I don't feel so drugged. I think they lessened my pain meds," they mumbled, and Ezra nodded slightly. 

"Yeah, most of your cuts have healed, and your rib is well on its way. They're going to do an X-ray in about a week to check on it," he murmured, running his hand up and down the top of their thigh slowly. "You're getting there." 

"Mm," AJ grunted, and Ezra smiled to himself, going silent so they could fall asleep again in peace. As soon as they were out, he picked his phone up off the bedside table and sent a couple of texts to Anathema and Mrs. Tracy to let them know that AJ had had their feeding tube removed. Mrs. Tracy texted back almost immediately to tell him she was on her way and only about ten minutes from the hospital. Ezra let out a quiet sigh and just leaned back in his chair, picking up his knitting while he watched AJ sleep. 

After a while, Mrs. Tracy came in quietly and sat down next to Ezra, smiling at him brightly. 

"You must be feeling better," she murmured, and he nodded, taking a deep breath. 

"I'm trying not to get overly hopeful, you know? But yeah, it's really nice to be able to hold a proper conversation with them, even if they do fall asleep halfway through," he chuckled quietly. "And I'll be happy to see them eating in a bit." 

"Yeah, that's always a big step," Mrs. Tracy agreed, and Ezra smiled, going back to his knitting and just relaxing for a while. 

Eventually, a nurse came by with a tray and Ezra gently woke AJ, squeezing their hand and calling to them until they opened their eyes and blinked at the bowl of soup in front of them blearily. The nurse left and AJ pulled their mask out of the way carefully, then picked up their spoon. Ezra kept close to them, stroking their thigh slowly as they began to eat, joy and relief bursting in his chest at the sight of them finally eating by themself. 

AJ ate slowly and carefully, managing about a third of the entree, but polishing off the jelly quite happily. As soon as they finished, they sat back to rest, and Ezra set the tray aside just as Dr. Hansen came in to check on them. 

He had his hands in his pockets as usual, his eyes lit up with a smile as he walked in. "AJ!" He exclaimed, and AJ turned their head sleepily, managing a small smile. "How are you feeling? I see you've managed to eat," the doctor went on, and AJ nodded slightly. 

"Mhm. I still feel sleepy and a bit out of it, but a lot more human." 

"That's great, human is definitely a step in the right direction," Dr. Hansen chuckled, moving closer to take a look at the screen showing AJ's vitals. "Eating by yourself is a great sign, I think we can be really optimistic now that you'll be able to make the transition home eventually, we just need to get your viral count down and your strength back up." 

Ezra grinned, a sudden rush of emotion at the word 'home' taking him by surprise and causing his eyes to fill with tears. Joyful, ecstatic tears. "How long do you think that will take?" He asked the doctor quickly, and he sighed. 

"I can't really give you an exact answer. But it's probably going to be a few more weeks, I'm afraid." 

"Whatever's best," Ezra smiled softly, ignoring the tears still welling up as he squeezed AJ's hand. They looked at him and smiled as the doctor left and the tears finally fell, streaming down Ezra's cheeks. 

"Don't cry, I'm okay," they mumbled, and Ezra chuckled, grabbing a tissue from the box by the bed and drying his eyes. 

"I'm not sad, sweetheart. I promise," he soothed, and AJ smiled up at him, squeezing his hand tightly before closing their eyes. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys!   
> I hope you liked this chapter! It's finally getting a bit happier lol :D   
> Also I have some good news about the incubus fic (my star in the sky) I posted recently - I have decided to extend it into a multi-chapter fic, and I'm probably going to be posting the first chapter fairly soon. I still need to come up with a title (I hate coming up with titles so much I stg) and do some editing, but it shouldn't take me too long! I hope you guys will like it :)   
> Hope you're all well and staying safe! <3


	43. Chapter Forty Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains: hospital setting, panic attacks, PTSD, dissociation, discussion of nightmares, uselessness of police, disordered eating behaviour, police intimidation.

AJ woke shaking and sweating, tears welling up and spilling just as Ezra grabbed their hands, squeezing tightly. 

"Breathe, sweetheart, it's okay," he said quickly, but AJ was already too far gone, sobbing softly as Ezra raised the back of the bed so he could hug them carefully. They pressed their face into the side of his neck, arms sliding around him, clinging on loosely. Ezra cradled the back of their head in one hand, shushing them softly, his voice a little shaky. 

"It's okay, you're safe, it's alright," he murmured over and over, and AJ began to go limp, letting go of everything, every emotion, every sensation. They felt like they were floating, the only thing they could feel was Ezra's hand on the back of their head. 

"AJ, come on, I know you're scared and upset, but that isn't helping anything," Ezra said softly, his voice muffled, but still full of kindness, although it was kindness tinged with exasperation. 

AJ blinked slowly, then curled their fingers stiffly, tangling them in the back of Ezra's shirt as they clung on to full consciousness. It was difficult - their knee-jerk reaction to fear and discomfort was to let go, but they knew dissociating made Ezra worried. 

"H-he's going to try to kill me," AJ whimpered, clutching on to Ezra tighter as terror washed through them at the thought, at the images from their nightmare flashing back up in their mind. 

"Shhh, sweetheart, it's okay. You changed your name, remember? He won't know you're here, even if he did want to try again," Ezra insisted gently, his arms so strong and protective around AJ, his warmth so soothing. 

AJ sighed and decided not to press the issue, just leaning against their partner and closing their eyes as they reflected on how lucky they were to have him. "Ezra?" 

"Mhm?" 

"I love you," AJ mumbled, squeezing him weakly and nuzzling at his jaw, wishing they could pull their mask off and kiss him. "I'm sorry for-" 

"I love you too," Ezra answered quickly, cutting them off gently and running his hand up and down their back slowly. "Don't apologise, okay? It's natural to be scared, I completely understand. I'm just worried, that's all, I'm not upset with you." 

AJ nodded slightly, sniffling just as they heard the door open. Ezra gently pulled away from AJ, letting them sit back against the bed as they looked around and saw a different doctor pulling on a mask. 

She turned and nodded at them, smiling behind the mask and walking over to pull up a chair. "Good afternoon AJ, I'm Dr. Ishikawa. I'm the psychiatrist your main doctor has asked to check you over. How are you feeling?" 

Ezra sat down quickly, taking AJ's hand and sitting close to them, but not saying anything as the doctor got out a notepad and a pen. AJ sighed and shifted uncomfortably, trying to think about how to answer. 

"Um. Not great, I guess I don't like feeling so trapped, I just...the boredom and everything has been getting to me a bit," they admitted quietly, and Ezra's thumb rubbed over their knuckles slowly, soothingly. 

Dr. Ishikawa looked up at them and nodded understandingly. "Being in hospital for extended periods often feels like an odd sort of limbo. It's difficult to feel like you don't have privacy or autonomy. Do you have books to read and other things to do?" 

AJ nodded, glancing at Ezra and flashing him a tiny smile. "My partner brings a lot of stuff in for me, but I don't always feel up to it. I can't really concentrate very well. Audiobooks are good, but the nurses limit how long I can listen to stuff. Same with watching TV and stuff on my iPad." 

The doctor nodded again and made a few notes. "Unfortunately, limiting direct screen usage with phones, tablets, computers, all that stuff has been shown to help patients recover. It's better for your sleep, which is better for your healing. I know it can be frustrating, but at least there's a reason for it. Can you give me a brief outline of why you're in hospital?" 

Swallowing, AJ glanced at Ezra, who squeezed their hand tightly, stroking up their forearm soothingly. 

"Um...I'm a sex worker, and a client tried to um...he tried to kill me," AJ said simply, choking back the tears and taking a deep breath. "I also have HIV, that's why I'm still here, my viral count is too high." 

Dr. Ishikawa looked shocked for a second, then nodded slightly, making a few notes. "It's really unsurprising then, that you're struggling with feeling fearful. Your doctor told me that you often wake during the night?" 

AJ looked down and nodded again, trying to take deep, slow breaths. "Yeah, I get nightmares and then um...sometimes I wake up and I feel like there's someone in the room with me." 

"And how do you know there's someone there? How does that knowledge manifest?" 

AJ shuddered, feeling Ezra shift closer as they kept staring down at their lap. "Well, I just...I just feel like it, y'know? I don't see anyone or anything, I just get scared of the shadows. Sometimes if the nightmare is really real, I'll wake up feeling like someone is choking me, but again, I don't see anything, it's just a feeling." 

The doctor made a few more notes, nodding slowly. "And during the day? Do you still get these feelings?"

"Not really, I still get nightmares when I nap, but when I wake up, it's always quite bright, and Ezra is always here with me," AJ murmured, managing a small smile as they glanced at their partner. "But um...if a male nurse comes in too abruptly, I can get a bit jumpy. I uh...I just read them as tall and...and a man, y'know? With Ezra, it's different because I know him so well, but...yeah.." AJ trailed off, but Dr. Ishikawa was nodding again. 

"It's very common to have reactions like that for a while, it's nothing to be ashamed of. When I'm not working at the hospital, I run a reduced fee practice in a part of town with quite a lot of sex workers, and I have a good few clients in the profession. It's very common from what I've seen to have that sort of fear around men. Generalising at first glance is what keeps us safe, it's an evolutionary thing, and it can be hard to shake. The only thing that really worries me is the difficulties at night, because it's interrupting your rest. I was asked to come in and make sure you weren't showing symptoms like hallucination that would indicate something else going on, but in my professional opinion, you're suffering from trauma and nothing else. I'm going to recommend that you're given a light sedative at night to help you sleep and hopefully get less nightmares. I'm going to come check in on you in a few days, and if I feel like you need more help then, I'll set something up for you, okay?" 

AJ nodded and thanked her, watching her go before looking over at Ezra, who shifted closer to them, his gentle hand running up the inside of their arm. 

"That seemed like it should have lasted a lot longer," he mumbled, and AJ sighed, giving a small shrug. 

"Mental health services are really stretched, I'm not really surprised. She's right, though. I'm just...I'm just struggling at the moment, but I'll be okay," they added, trying to sound comforting, but Ezra didn't seem convinced, his fingers closing tighter around AJ's. His hands were shaking ever so slightly, his eyes full of worry and almost panicky concern. 

AJ's heart dropped, their whole body feeling heavy as they realised all in one go just how stressed Ezra was. "Angel, I'm worried about you," they managed to say, their voice coming out soft and uncertain. Ezra looked shocked, blinking at them before forcing a shaky, plasticky smile. 

"I'm okay, AJ, I just-" 

"You've been really quiet and shaky for like a whole week," AJ interrupted gently, their tone a little firmer and more confident this time as they squeezed Ezra's hand lightly. "What's wrong, angel?" 

Ezra sighed heavily and looked away, his jaw tight. Then he sat back slightly, keeping his hand in AJ's, his grip loosening slightly. "I was worried about telling you, but...Detective Jeffries was taken off your case," he said quietly, and AJ blinked, then let out a slow breath. 

"Gabriel has a lot of power," they mumbled bluntly, and Ezra nodded slightly, his other hand sliding over the back of AJ's as he bit his lip. 

"The new guy...he doesn't really seem to care, I called him to ask if he had anything, and he said there wasn't much chance. Something about no leads, which doesn't sound right to me at all." 

"It's...it's fine, I'll be okay," AJ sighed, then turned their head to look at Ezra, feeling a flash of guilt when they saw the bags under his eyes, the pale colour of his cheeks. "Come here, angel. I need a hug," AJ murmured, and Ezra managed a tiny smile, doing as he was told and embracing them carefully. Burying their face in his neck, AJ clung to their partner, trying not to think about the fact that no more police involvement meant no more protection. They just clutched Ezra tighter and squeezed their eyes shut, letting out a slow, quiet breath. 

"I love you," Ezra mumbled, and AJ smiled to themself, nuzzling at his jaw. 

"Mm, I love you too, angel. We'll be okay."

* * *

"AJ? Sweetheart, it's lunchtime," Ezra called softly, his hand rubbing over AJ's shoulder lightly, gently rousing them from their doze. 

They opened their eyes slowly, blinking in the stark white light and sighing as they draped their arm over their eyes. "I'm not hungry." 

"Too bad," Ezra chuckled, raising the back of the bed. Giving in already, AJ dropped their arm away from their face and glared at the tray in front of them. It smelled like cabbage, despite not seeming to contain any actual cabbage, and AJ wrinkled their nose. 

"Why does everything they serve in this godforsaken place smell like cabbage?" They complained, and Ezra snorted, shaking his head slightly. 

"I have no idea, mapie. But you should try to eat some of it, okay?" 

AJ rolled their eyes, but didn't argue, picking up their knife and fork and getting to work on what, after some careful inspection, turned out to be sausages and mash. It didn't really taste of much, but AJ forced down a whole sausage and a good portion of the potatoes, knowing that the more they ate, the more they'd get their strength up, and the sooner they'd get to leave. 

"I got a call from that new detective while you were sleeping," Ezra announced quietly, opening his own packaged sandwich and starting to eat with rather more enthusiasm than AJ. "He wants to talk to you today." 

"Fine, I guess. It's not going to do anything if he's just a pawn of Gabriel," AJ muttered, pushing their plate aside and ripping the top off their pot of jelly. 

"It might still be worth a try. Maybe he's just bad at his job," Ezra sighed, but he didn't sound too convinced. "I'll stay with you the whole time." 

"Good, I don't want to be alone with any police," AJ said darkly, then began to tuck into their jelly. Ezra leaned over after a moment and slid a little sealed cup of chopped fruit onto their tray. 

"I checked with the nurse, she said this would be okay," he murmured, and AJ flashed him a small smile, finishing off their jelly before starting on the fruit. 

They both ate in silence for a while, AJ taking their time over their fruit. Ezra reached into his bag and pulled out a soup thermos, humming to himself as he opened it. Without saying anything, AJ eyed it jealously, just as Ezra took out a fork and began to eat. 

"What's that? It smells good," they asked suddenly, and Ezra sighed. 

"Mrs. Tracy made me this huge batch of pasta and I'm trying desperately to get through it before it goes off. I wish you could have some, but they're worried about bacteria." 

"Yeah, I know. Thanks for the fruit, at least," AJ smiled sadly, and Ezra reached over, gently squeezing their hand. 

"Hey, you'll be out of here soon, yeah? And we'll get to cuddle all day and you can eat whatever you want whenever you want," he murmured, and AJ let out a soft sigh. 

"It feels like I've been here forever," they answered, stabbing a grape with a satisfying sound and glaring at their tray. "I don't feel that ill anymore, I'm just...my body hates me." 

"You have an illness," Ezra pointed out gently, toying with their hair, brushing it behind their ear. "I know it feels like a betrayal, but you don't always treat your body with kindness, and Gabriel certainly didn't help. Cut yourself some slack, sweetheart. It sucks being here, I know it does, and I'm sorry, but you'll leave when you're well enough, I promise. You just have to trust the doctors."

"I've not exactly led the kind of life that makes it easy to trust people," AJ muttered, but leaned into Ezra's touch slightly, their eyes slipping closed. 

The door slid open and AJ looked up sharply as a fairly short, bald man in a suit walked in. He stopped to fit a mask over his face, then moved closer to the bed, apparently smiling, judging by the way his face moved. His eyes were completely dead. 

"Hello, AJ, I'm Detective Sandalphon. I've been looking over the notes Jeffries made, and I have a few more questions for you. If you don't mind.." he added, looking at Ezra and making a gesture to suggest he should leave. AJ grabbed at him quickly, before he could move. 

"No, I'd like him to stay," they rushed out, and Sandalphon looked annoyed for a moment before nodding. 

"Okay. Do you remember anything about the type of car?" He asked, and AJ blinked, pleasantly surprised that he seemed to be asking questions that could actually be useful. 

"Um...well, it was big, probably some kind of SUV. Uh...a dark colour, for sure," AJ said slowly, closing their eyes and focusing, a shudder running down their spine as they remembered waking up in that horrible car. "It had black leather seats...um...I don't think I can remember much else. I...I was pretty heavily drugged." 

"Well, we weren't able to trace the car from your phone, so this is helpful," Sandalphon said, but his voice was flat, monotone, completely devoid of emotion. "And you said he wanted to kill you, correct? Why?" 

AJ blinked and swallowed, glancing at Ezra, who smiled sadly and squeezed their hand, his fingers trailing up and down the inside of their forearm soothingly. They swallowed and let out a soft sigh. 

"Um. He basically said I was getting too old for him and...and disobedient, and he was fed up with me. That's...um...the gist of it, anyway," they mumbled, their cheeks flushing with shame as they looked down at their lap, trying not to slip too far into the memories. 

"That doesn't sound like much of a motive," Sandalphon chuckled dismissively, and AJ looked up in surprise, their mouth open slightly. "I mean, you're getting a little old, so he decides to kill you? A bit improbable, isn't it?" 

Ezra had frozen in shock, but AJ was a little more experienced with police and just sighed. 

"If you're suggesting I got Gabriel confused with someone else, I've known him for a very long time, and I know who tried to kill me," AJ said firmly, and Sandalphon shrugged. 

"Misidentification of perpetrators by witnesses is one of the leading causes of false convictions," he pointed out smugly, and AJ let out a slow breath, all hope draining away all in one go. Sandalphon moved closer to the bed, suddenly seeming taller, broader. 

"I'm trying to help you here, AJ," he said slowly, meaningfully. "This kind of stuff just doesn't happen, right? I think your best option is just to let go of the investigation, change your testimony. If you do, then you won't have to worry about being bothered again by...anyone out there," he smiled, waving a hand vaguely. "No one will try to finish the job, and you can get on with your life in peace. I really think it's the best thing for you right now." 

AJ just nodded slightly, sighing deeply. This had been what they'd expected from the police, especially with Gabriel's connections, and they were just disappointed they'd gotten their hopes up after Ezra had told them about the policewoman on their case. They hadn't been able to remember her, but she'd seemed lovely from the things their partner had said, and now AJ was remembering just why they never trusted the police, no matter what. 

Ezra shifted beside them and AJ looked up sharply to see fury on his face, his mouth opening to speak. They grabbed at him quickly, giving him a meaningful look and holding it until he subsided. 

Sandalphon opened his wallet and slipped out a small card, placing it on the bedside table carefully. "Have a think about things," he smiled, his voice dripping with fake benevolence. "Call me when you've made the right decision." 

As soon as the door slid shut behind the detective, Ezra stalked over and snatched up the card, crumpling it in his hand and tossing it into the bin, his face white with fury. 

"How  _ dare  _ he-" 

"Ezra, my angel," AJ interrupted gently, suddenly feeling exhausted beyond measure. "I love you, but I really, really need you to calm down." 

Ezra clenched his jaw for a moment, eyes wild, then scowled. "How the fuck am I supposed to stay calm?" He snapped, not raising his voice, but still taking AJ by surprise. "He just threatened you! He's supposed to be finding Gabriel and instead he's here  _ threatening  _ you!" 

AJ reached out for Ezra, but he was already combing his fingers through his hair, clutching tightly and groaning quietly. "Ezra, please," AJ murmured, beginning to feel unsettled and uncertain. "I know things are bad, but-" 

"I'm going to get some fresh air," Ezra announced hurriedly, not quite meeting AJ's gaze. "I'm really, really angry, and I need to calm down in a detached environment. I...I won't be long," he promised, and was gone, leaving AJ feeling very alone. They sighed to themself and buried their face in their hands, then pulled their blanket closer around them and shut their eyes. Images of Gabriel's sneering face, the glint of a knife edge, the sound of their ribs cracking echoed in AJ's imagination, but they did their best to ignore it all, shuddering as they rolled over onto their side carefully and curled up, hugging themself loosely. 

They were feeling numb again, and so, so heavy. They wanted to sleep it all away, to wake up in Ezra's room, in his bed beside him. They wanted all of this to be over. So they curled up a little tighter and let out a slow sigh as they allowed themself to let go of consciousness. 

* * *

AJ woke not in Ezra's bed as they'd hoped, but at least with Ezra beside them. He was leaning against the side of the bed, one of his hands in theirs, the other running up and down their side. 

"Ezra?" 

He looked up sharply and gave them a slightly sad smile. "Hey, magpie. How're you feeling?" 

"Rough," AJ answered simply, giving his hand a light squeeze. 

"I'm really sorry I had to go, I just...I felt like I was gonna start shouting or something, and I...I really didn't want to scare you," Ezra explained hurriedly, and AJ just nodded, too tired to really respond to this. 

"I...I got my hopes up too much," they mumbled after a few moments, and Ezra slid his hand into their hair, ruffling it gently. 

"I know, sweetheart. But I don't think you should drop the case," he said quietly, and AJ tensed, shaking their head slightly as fear shot through them and their eyes widened. 

"Didn't you hear what he said? Gabriel will kill me if I don't," AJ pointed out in a low tone, their voice wobbling slightly as the fear intensified at the thought of having to even see Gabriel again. 

"I really don't think that-" 

"I do," AJ cut in firmly, their jaw tight as they gently pulled their hand from Ezra's to roll onto their back again. "You don't know him like I do. He wanted to kill me, and he will finish the job if he wants to." 

"But-" 

AJ's throat closed, their eyelids fluttering as images of blood and knives and the feeling of hands around their throat came rushing back, and they rolled away from Ezra shakily, wincing as they accidentally tugged at one of their IV leads. "Just stop," they whimpered softly, tears pricking at the corners of their eyes as they pulled their knees up towards their chest. There was a moment of shocked silence, then a deep sigh. 

"If I ever see him, I'm going to kill him myself," Ezra muttered, getting up from his chair and walking around to sit on the other side of the bed, AJ turning their gaze away from him stubbornly. "Maybe I should get a private investigator or something," he went on quietly, and sudden panic made AJ feel nauseous. 

"No!" They blurted out shakily, making Ezra blink in surprise. "You c-can't mess with him, Ezra! He'll hurt you, he already hates you! Promise me, you  _ have  _ to promise me you won't try anything!" 

Ezra sighed and nodded, leaning over them to brush a lock of hair off their forehead, blue eyes meeting theirs.

"Shh, sweetheart. I promise, don't get upset. I won't do anything to endanger you."

"Or yourself," AJ prompted forcefully, and Ezra nodded again. 

"Or myself," he soothed, his hand stroking over AJ's cheek in a tender, loving gesture. "Now, you look absolutely exhausted and half asleep. I think you should rest." 

AJ could feel a protestation forming itself on their tongue, but the yawn beat them to it, and they gave in. "Alright. Just...don't go anywhere," they muttered, and Ezra hummed a quiet, calming note. 

"Of course not. I'm right here, my beautiful little bird. Right here with you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys enjoyed this one!   
> There's only three more to go! ;-; it feels so weird that this story will be over soon (even though I am still going to do a sequel, I'm going to put some more about that below) but I think you guys will like the last couple chapters :D 
> 
> Anyway, about the sequel:   
> It will be called Aderyn, as I think I might have mentioned before, however I will not be posting it as soon as I finish posting this, unfortunately. I've been struggling a bit with writing it, I started a while back and got quite a few chapters in, but then I lost enthusiasm for a while and then had complete writer's block for like a couple months :/ I Will Not be abandoning it, I swear, but I am going to have to reassess and possibly start from scratch, so it will take time. A lot of the stuff I had ready-written just started feeling heavy and boring and badly written, and I just didn't enjoy it. I am considering skipping some time after Magpie instead of picking up directly where it leaves off, but yeah, I'm just struggling with it quite a bit at the moment. I'm thinking about taking on an editor for it, but I'm not sure if I can find anyone and yeah it's just a bit of a tangle right now. But Aderyn will happen, I promise <3


	44. Chapter Forty Four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter includes: hospital setting, dissociation, disordered eating behaviour, brief discussion of past partner death, discussions of sex.

"AJ?" 

AJ couldn't really see. The world was blurry in front of them, every noise reaching them as if from far away, their body feeling as if it was floating on a calm, warm lake. 

"AJ?" 

They smiled to themself internally, standing up from the lake and walking across the surface to stretch on the beach, feeling free and unrestricted. 

"AJ!" 

Time passed around them, dragging its weary feet, but they were floating yet again, just a little detached from everything else.

"Magpie, you need to eat your lunch." 

The voice was different, much more familiar, although tired and with a touch of stale worry - a worry that had been worn thin; worried so many times that it had become tedious and almost normal. 

AJ blinked and forced themself back, feeling Ezra's hand on their shoulder, shaking them ever so gently before they blinked and turned their head. Their vision cleared and Ezra sighed. There were dark bags under his eyes, his normally bouncy blond hair weighed with grease, his blue eyes dull with exhaustion and mundane anxiety. 

"Sweetheart, I know things are tough, but I really wish you'd stay a bit more present," he mumbled, and AJ didn't respond, picking up their knife and fork. 

They'd been in hospital for a total of about seven weeks, according to Ezra, and they hated every moment. They hated feeling as if their whole life was dictated by nurses and doctors - they couldn't even go to the bathroom without a nurse to stand nearby in case they needed help. Their days were metered out by their mealtimes, every single one exactly the same. The only thing that didn't feel as grey and lifeless as undersweetened, overcooked porridge was the physical therapy, which was just downright painful. 

AJ knew the exercises were necessary to keep their strength up and help them be more independent, but they resented it all the same. Ezra did his best to remind them to do their exercises and help them, and this just made them annoyed with him. They hadn't gotten into fights, exactly, but things had been starting to get a bit tense here and there, and AJ knew that it all came down to extensive stress and the fact that they were being particularly difficult. Neither of them could help their reactions to the situation, so they just tried to keep one another calm, with lots of gentle touches and assurances of love on both sides. But the dissociation was becoming a big issue. 

AJ just found it so easy to escape into that nothingness, having had so much practice. It made the time pass faster in between meals, but they knew it made Ezra worry. He didn't like seeing them so out of it, and he'd made it clear plenty of times that he got scared they wouldn't come back, but AJ just couldn't seem to stop. It was their automatic reaction to unpleasantness, and the last time they'd done it while Ezra was helping them with their PT exercises, he'd nearly ended up crying. 

"AJ," Ezra said in a warning tone, cutting through AJ's thoughts and making them sigh as they kept eating without really tasting. 

"I was just thinking," they mumbled after a moment or two, and Ezra simply sighed, reaching up to brush their hair out of their face with his fingers. 

"I love you," he said quietly, and AJ nodded. 

"I love you too." 

"I have to go soon," Ezra announced, and they looked at him blankly, their heart sinking. "I have that appointment, remember?" He went on gently, his patience rather stronger than it had been the day before. "Mrs. Tracy should be here soon to keep you company." 

AJ put their cutlery down and pushed the tray away from them moodily, turning their head sharply. They needed Ezra to stay, but they couldn't make themself say it, they'd feel too demanding and entitled, and he'd get annoyed because they'd ask him to stay with them and then check out again. It was getting to a point where it was difficult to control their dissociation - keeping their grip on reality was harder every day they had to spend practically tied to the bed. 

"AJ, finish your lunch," Ezra said firmly, as if talking to a child, and the flash of guilt in their chest only made AJ more annoyed. 

"Not hungry." 

"Jesus Christ," Ezra muttered, reaching over and grabbing the jelly cup from their tray. He ripped the top off, stuck a spoon in it, and pushed the cup into AJ's hand. They put it down on the tray. 

Ezra swore under his breath, then got up quickly, leaning over them briefly to stroke their cheek tenderly, his fingers trembling slightly against their skin. "I have to go. I love you," he whispered, his voice shaking as well, and AJ just nodded slightly, closing their eyes against the tears blurring their vision. 

"I love you too."

Ezra sighed softly and stroked their hair one last time before leaving quietly. Moving almost robotically, AJ set their tray aside, moved the over-bed table, and curled up on their side. They stared at nothing for a while, barely feeling the hot tears streaming down their cheeks, until a hand ran over their shoulder.

"AJ? Oh, honey," Mrs. Tracy murmured sympathetically, pulling up a chair and gently pressing a tissue into their unresisting hand. "Are you alright, darling?" 

AJ blinked and slowly came back to themself, staring at the friendly face in front of them and gathering up enough energy to wipe their cheeks. They forced a smile. "I'm okay." 

"No, you're not," Mrs. Tracy sighed, fussing over them and pulling the blanket over their shoulder. "Come on, talk to me. I can tell you and Ezra have been tense, too. While he's away, we can have a little girl talk." 

AJ managed a tiny smile at this, the mental image of them and Mrs. Tracy sitting in her flat while she painted their nails and they giggled about boys together briefly flashing in their mind. "I'm not a girl," they pointed out without any annoyance or bite, in fact, with more of a teasing tone. 

"No, I know," she chuckled, shaking her head slightly. "But it's a cute term, isn't it?" 

"I think so," AJ agreed softly, then shifted uncomfortably, hugging themself loosely. "I um...things have been tense," they admitted quietly, and Mrs. Tracy leaned closer, rubbing their shoulder as they spoke slowly. "I keep dissociating to cope with being in hospital and I...it's getting to a point where I don't fully control it, and it's been getting to Ezra," AJ mumbled, feeling their cheeks start to flush with shame. "And we've both been a bit grumpy about the situation, y'know? It's stressful. We haven't had any actual fights, no yelling or anything, he always leaves to get some air if we get close, but it's...difficult." 

Mrs. Tracy sighed, squeezing AJ's shoulder lightly. "It sounds difficult, I can empathise. And Ezra's been through a lot lately, too. It's good that he's finally gotten an appointment with a therapist." 

AJ blinked in surprise and confusion. "He...he told me it was for his testosterone," they mumbled, and Mrs. Tracy looked taken aback for a moment, then bit her lip lightly. 

"Oh, I'm...I'm really sorry, AJ, I didn't mean to put my foot in it," she said hurriedly, and AJ shook their head quickly. 

"No, it's...it's fine. I'm not upset with him, just surprised he wouldn't tell me. I'll talk to him. I just...I just want to get home, y'know? I feel like we could be okay if we were normal again," AJ mumbled, and Mrs. Tracy nodded. 

"I'm sure things will be much better when you leave here, but just remember that it isn't a magic fix-all. You're both still going to be stressed for a while and Ezra will have to go back to work soon. And living together is always an adjustment period." 

AJ nodded, slowly unfurling their legs and rubbing their eyes sleepily. "Mm, I know. But I know all the issues we're having now will go away. I won't dissociate at home when I have my independence back. I'll get to do what I want when I want and eat food that doesn't smell like cabbage. I'll be better." 

"I'm glad to hear it. Have you thought about what you're going to do once you get home?" Mrs. Tracy asked gently, and AJ nodded, watching her as she got her knitting out from her bag. 

"Yeah. I'm going to work on my sewing, I've always liked the idea of turning it into a business, and I'll have time if I'm not having to work my ass off just to make rent," they smiled, their chest warm at the thought of being able to make a living from only doing things they actually wanted to do. 

"That sounds fantastic, I'm sure it'll work out. You're very talented," Mrs. Tracy said happily. "And I'm sure Ezra will be very pleased to support you. He's always been excited about the idea of you sewing for income. He's always telling me about your projects and how proud of you he is," she announced, and AJ smiled to themself at the thought, then let out a quiet sigh. 

"Can I ask you something?" 

"Of course, dear," Mrs. Tracy murmured, apparently focused on her knitting. 

"Did you ever have a long term relationship? Like, after you retired from sex work?" 

Mrs. Tracy put her knitting down in her lap and smiled at AJ sadly, nodding slightly. "Yes, I did. She passed away about five years ago now, but we were together for about twenty years. We met before I retired, but we had about twelve years together after I stopped working," she answered, and AJ shifted, blinking as they focused on her.

"I'm sorry she died. Was she older than you?" They asked quietly, and Mrs. Tracy sighed. 

"No, she was younger, actually. Her name was Alice, we met through a mutual friend and we were friends for a while before she told me she'd been trying to ask me out for months and I just hadn't gotten the hints," Mrs. Tracy chuckled, although her eyes still betrayed her mild sadness. "You know, we never had a fight the whole time we were together." 

AJ smiled softly, relaxing a bit as they allowed themself to settle and just enjoy listening to their companion talk. "That's impressive, a lot of years to not fight." 

Mrs. Tracy nodded, reaching out and gently taking AJ's hand, running her thumb over their knuckles. "I know you're worried about you and Ezra, and I can't say it won't take some work, but you can have a long term relationship after retiring from sex work, I promise." 

Shifting slightly, AJ let out a quiet sigh and moved closer to the edge of the bed. "I just...I worry that he'll realise that I'm...I'm not worth it, y'know? That the novelty will wear off, I guess." 

Mrs. Tracy tucked her knitting back into her bag and moved her chair closer to AJ, squeezing their hand lightly. "I really don't think that's going to happen, AJ. He really does love you, and I heard him talk about how much he missed you when you were unconscious. It's not just a surface-level love, he does love you for who you are." 

AJ smiled sadly, rubbing the bridge of their nose with their spare hand. "I just...we haven't had much of a chance to really...be in a relationship, we've spent a lot of time on and off, we've only had sex once. What if...being in a relationship,  _ really _ being in one doesn't work for us?" 

"I can't answer that for you, I'm afraid," Mrs. Tracy pointed out gently. "In this case, you just have to try." 

"That's terrifying," AJ murmured, and she nodded. "I've never really...relied on anyone before. It's not just relying on him to give me somewhere to live, not anymore. I rely on him for a good portion of my happiness, y'know? And what happens when I fall for him even more?" 

"Then you'll rely on him more," Mrs. Tracy smiled, taking AJ's hand in both of hers gently. "It's okay, AJ. I know it's terrifying to be really, truly vulnerable and open yourself up to being loved and loving, I've been there. But Ezra is a lovely person, and so are you. Given that you two have managed to avoid fighting under such stressful and traumatic conditions, I think you'll settle in to being together fairly easily. When Ezra lost his leg, he had a long stay in hospital, and a very difficult time with it, he's told me a bit about it. I can't imagine it's easy for him to be here." 

AJ sighed, a flash of guilt making them wince. They had to admit they hadn't thought about Ezra's accident and how it would affect his ability to spend an extended period constantly visiting the hospital. "I think it's going to be okay, I'm just...frightened, y'know?" They mumbled, and Mrs. Tracy nodded encouragingly. 

"I completely understand, and it's good that you're beginning to talk about it already. Are there other things you're worried about?" She pushed gently, and AJ blushed, feeling her fingers tighten around theirs. 

"Yeah...I guess, um...because I've been in the job since...well, since I lost my virginity, I haven't really had a break from having sex at least once a day. I...it's already so different with Ezra, but sometimes I worry that I'll have too high a sex drive for him or something," they muttered, embarrassed, but knowing that Mrs. Tracy was the most understanding person they could possibly talk to about such personal things. 

"In my experience, you don't have much to worry about. For me, it was a bit of an adjustment, because I genuinely enjoyed my work, but for a lot of my friends who made it to retirement, I know they found it relieving. I really don't think that you're going to have much trouble settling into a healthy sex life with Ezra. At least in terms of amount. One of my friends retired and, according to him, never had sex again, simply because he didn't feel any desire to. He's married now, I think," Mrs. Tracy said quietly, her voice soothing AJ, lessening their anxiety as they just listened. "Sex drive and how much you have sex are two different things, is what I'm trying to say. Just because you have a lot of sex now doesn't mean that's what your sex drive is, and after a while away from the job, you'll find it easier to distinguish between when you're feeling the urge to have sex and when you just feel like you have to. Don't say yes to anything you don't feel a hundred percent excited about, okay? It's not worth it." 

AJ nodded slowly, feeling as if they should be making notes as Mrs. Tracy rubbed the back of their hand gently. "Thanks," they mumbled, suddenly beginning to get sleepy. "You're really good at all this stuff." 

"I've just had a lot of experience," she chuckled, slowly sitting back and letting her hands slip from AJ's. "You look exhausted, darling." 

"Mmm, a bit. I'm not sleepy, though," AJ yawned, then smiled at their companion, watching her as she started to get her knitting out again. "Would you tell me more about Alice?" 

Mrs. Tracy looked at AJ for a moment, then nodded, beginning to knit again while she thought. AJ waited patiently, settling into the thin mattress and allowing tiredness to relax their muscles. 

"Well, it was a bit of a scandal to start with, she was actually married," Mrs. Tracy said quietly, a small smile playing at her lips as she kept her eyes on the needles in her hands. "She didn't cheat on her husband with me, but she did leave him for me. It was a long time ago now, and coming out as a lesbian then was huge, let alone leaving a husband for a trans woman. But she never minded what people said, she wasn't like that. She just wanted to have a good life, she wanted to have fun and she had fun with me. And I never felt bad about it, because her husband was horrible," Mrs. Tracy added, chuckling to herself quietly and making AJ smile as they started to feel sleepy at last. "She supported me through a lot, we supported one another. The flat I live in now was the one we moved into together, and I bought that building after she died, because the owner before me wanted to refurbish every apartment, and I didn't want mine to change." 

AJ shifted slightly, folding their arms against their chest and nuzzling the pillow as their eyes began to close up. 

"Alice would have liked you and Ezra," Mrs. Tracy commented softly, and AJ smiled sleepily, their fingers curling. "She loved to see young LGBT couples, and she was quite shy like you, and bookish like Ezra. She was funny, as well. Always making people laugh," she sighed, and paused briefly, the clicking of her needles going silent. "AJ? Are you asleep, my dear?" 

AJ just grunted softly and Mrs. Tracy laughed, her hand falling onto their shoulder and squeezing gently. 

"Get some rest, I'm not going anywhere." 

"Thank you," AJ managed, and felt themself sinking into the warm depths of sleep. 

AJ woke about an hour later, feeling a bit tired and groggy as they rolled over. Mrs. Tracy had gone, but Ezra was sitting in the other chair, completely focused on a book. 

Stretching, AJ allowed themself to study him for a bit, then grabbed at the buttons for the bed, lifting the back up so they could sit comfortably. 

At this point, Ezra finally seemed to realise they were awake, looking up from his book and smiling softly. 

"Hey, love. How are you feeling?" 

AJ grunted and reached out for him, relaxing a bit when his fingers slipped between theirs, squeezing lightly. "Tired, fed up, the usual. I had a good talk with Mrs. Tracy, though," they murmured, and Ezra set his book aside, moving his chair closer to them. 

"Yeah? What did you talk about?" He asked with a smile, his spare hand stroking up AJ's arm, caressing their soft skin. 

"Just relationship stuff and transitioning out of sex work," AJ answered quietly, their eyelids still feeling heavy. "And she told me you were at therapy." 

Ezra blinked in surprise, then nodded slightly. "Yeah, I um...I didn't want you to worry," he sighed, and AJ looked down at their lap, not really wanting to see those concerned blue eyes right at that moment. "I've been waiting for that appointment for almost three months, it's um...it's not a new thing, or anything particularly worrisome, I'm just...trying to get help in general, y'know?" 

AJ nodded, squeezing his hand and lifting their gaze to his slowly, reluctantly. "You promise it was just because you didn't want me to worry?" 

"I promise, sweetheart," Ezra assured them, leaning a bit closer. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have lied." 

"What did you talk to the therapist about?" AJ prompted quietly, and Ezra sighed, running his fingertips up and down their arm. 

"Well, mostly my old relationship, the one that was...bad. A little about this situation, with you in hospital and Gabriel and everything, a bit about my family and history. The usual first appointment stuff." 

AJ nodded, looking down at his hand and stroking their thumb over his lightly. "I um...think we need to be more honest with each other...and I...I'm sorry that my dissociation has been stressing you out. I'm going to work on it, okay?" 

"I'd like that, all of it," Ezra murmured soothingly, giving their hand another squeeze. "I think we should talk about why you're struggling and everything and try to come up with ways to help together. Just...maybe not right this second, because you still look exhausted." 

Smiling, AJ gave a little tug on his hand, their chest rising and falling in a quiet sigh. "I could do with a hug," they hinted softly, and Ezra just chuckled, slipping his hand from theirs so he could hug them tightly, his hand sliding up to cradle the back of their head as they clung to him, their face buried in his neck. 

"I miss you," Ezra mumbled after a few long, blissful moments, his voice sounding thick and a bit shaky. "I miss cuddling you and kissing you and getting to lay with you and take you places. I just...I really want you to come home, so get better, okay?" 

AJ sniffled to themself, a rush of emotion choking them, making them realise that Ezra wanted exactly the same thing as they did. Even though things were difficult and both their stress levels were causing them to grate on one another's nerves, they were aiming for the same goal, for the same reasons. AJ just squeezed Ezra and tried not to start crying, their heart beating a little faster in their chest as they promised themself that they would work hard to communicate with Ezra properly and do everything they could to get healthy. They really couldn't wait to leave. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys!   
> If you follow me on twitter, you probably know this already, but I've finished editing the rest of Magpie, so I've decided to put it all up in one go for you guys as a treat!   
> I will also be going ahead with the stuff I've already written for Aderyn, which means I'll be able to post the first chapter fairly soon - however, I have to warn you guys, I probably won't be getting on a schedule of uploading it regularly until I've finished You Gotta Keep the Devil (which, if you haven't checked it out already, you should!) I also have a lovely piece of art I commissioned to share with you guys when Aderyn first goes up, so do keep an eye out for it! I will be announcing on my twitter when it's all ready to go.   
> Enjoy, and I'll see you at the end!


	45. Chapter Forty Five

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains: dysphoria, negative self talk, brief discussion of disordered eating behaviour.

Buzzing wasn't nearly enough of a word to describe how AJ felt. They were sitting on the edge of the bed, staring up at Ezra as he pulled some clothes from a bag. 

"I'm really going home, aren't I?" They murmured softly, and Ezra chuckled, his star-bright blue eyes fixing on them for just a moment before he went back to sorting through the items. 

"Yes you are, my beautiful little magpie," he grinned, then crouched down, carefully beginning to remove AJ's plastic boot. Once he'd undone the velcro and slid the thing off, he gently helped them into a pair of their underwear, letting them lean on him heavily as they stood on one leg so he could slide the panties over their hips. 

"That's it, sweetheart. Good job," Ezra praised softly, still holding them steady as they sat down on the edge of the bed again. He leaned over them to untie the little strings that kept their gown on, then slipped it from their body slowly. AJ hugged themself nervously, suddenly feeling rather exposed while Ezra unfolded the baggy t-shirt he'd brought from his own closet. 

"Ezra?" 

"Mm?" He hummed, slipping the shirt over their head and letting it fall, crumpling around AJ's hips.

"Tell me what we're gonna do when we get home," they begged softly, needing the comfort, needing their nerves to be soothed. 

Ever observant and ready to comfort his love, Ezra gently pulled AJ into a loose hug, squeezing them lightly and rubbing their back as they nuzzled into him gratefully. 

"I'm going to take you straight into my room and we're going to cuddle for hours," he murmured, his hand sliding into their hair automatically. "There's going to be a little party with everyone tomorrow, but today will just be chilling and getting used to being at home, okay? Nice and calm." 

AJ nodded, their fingers curling in Ezra's shirt, gently pulling him closer. "I really, really need a cuddle," they mumbled, and Ezra gently began to pull away, nodding agreement. 

"Me too, let's get you home," he smiled, picking up AJ's sweatpants from the bed and slipping them over their ankles. They stood again and he pulled the sweats up to their hips, then guided them to sit down again. A bit sleepy, AJ simply watched while Ezra pulled a sock onto their good foot, then began to lace up their sneaker. 

"You okay?" He asked gently, and AJ nodded, stifling a yawn while he picked up the boot again. 

"Just tired. I wanna get home and nap with you," they mumbled, and Ezra gave a soft chuckle, doing up the straps of AJ's boot carefully. 

"Yeah? Me too, sweetheart," he smiled, finally standing up, grabbing his bag, and handing AJ their crutches. Although they were a little wobbly, AJ managed to stand, Ezra's gentle hand on their back steadying them and providing minimal support as they took an awkward step forward. 

"There you go, no rush," Ezra soothed, rubbing slow circles into their back as they rested for a moment, then began to make their way out of the room. 

It took a little while, but with Ezra's encouragement, AJ made it all the way out to the front of the hospital, leaning against their crutches while Ezra texted Anathema. 

"You okay?" He asked a moment later, and AJ nodded, stifling a yawn. 

"Just tired as always," they answered quietly, and Ezra nodded, shifting his stance so he was a little closer to them. 

"Hopefully you'll feel a bit less tired at home," he murmured, and AJ smiled, the realisation that they were actually going home washing over them and making them shiver with excitement. 

A moment later, Anathema brought the car up to the entrance and Ezra helped AJ in, climbing into the backseat with them and taking their hand gently. 

"Nearly home," Anathema smiled, pulling away from the hospital entrance and towards the road. "How are you feeling?" 

"Ready to just lay down in a proper bed," AJ answered happily, glancing at Ezra, who smiled in a distracted way. "And to eat proper food that doesn't smell like cabbage," they added with a soft chuckle. 

Luckily, the ride home didn't take long, and AJ was soon opening the car door, preparing themself to get out. Ezra hurried around to help them, but instead of handing them their crutches, he leaned into the car and scooped them up with barely a grunt, chuckling as they squealed in delighted surprise and grabbed onto his neck. He shifted his grip slightly, holding them comfortably with one arm under their back, the other under their knees. Smiling to themself happily, AJ buried their face in his warm chest and just enjoyed the moment, feeling the swaying as he walked. They felt safe and comforted, the sound of his heartbeat coming through his chest and soothing them as they clung to him gently. 

Anathema opened the building and flat doors for Ezra, chuckling softly as he carried AJ all the way into his bedroom and very carefully laid them in his bed. 

AJ hummed happily, letting their arms slip from his neck as they settled back into the bed, gazing up at him lovingly. 

"I feel so free now," they murmured, and Ezra grinned, leaning down to kiss them ever so softly, the feeling of his lips on theirs absolutely  _ divine.  _ AJ tried to pull him deeper, but he was already breaking away, gently starting to undo the laces on their sneaker. 

"In a minute, okay?" He announced, rubbing their leg lightly as he slipped the shoe off. "Let's get comfy first. Are you hungry? Do you need the bathroom?" 

"No and yes," AJ mumbled, covering a yawn with their hand, their eyes closing just as Ezra's hands ran up their sides. 

"You need help, sweetheart?" 

"No, I'll be fine," they said determinedly, swinging their legs over the edge of the bed and thanking Ezra as he handed them their crutches. They heaved themself up, kissed his cheek, and headed down the hall, still feeling rather sleepy. 

AJ made it to the bathroom without much trouble, doing what they had to and washing their hands. Then they glanced up and looked in the mirror properly for the first time since Gabriel. Their eyes widened and they gasped softly, the tears already gathering, burning their eyes and throat. 

They'd seen their hair before, glimpses caught in unavoidable hospital mirrors, but something about seeing it now, in Ezra's flat, made it all so much more real. It looked like such a mess, hacked off unevenly, their beautiful long locks reduced to such a horrid sight. It felt like a massive part of their identity had been ripped from them, their pride and joy, their favourite thing about their appearance.

A knock on the door made them jump, the tears overflowing at last and spilling down their cheeks. 

"You okay in there, my love?" 

AJ didn't know how to answer, so they dried their hands and opened the door, staring down at their feet. 

"AJ? What's wrong?" Ezra pressed softly, his voice low, but trembling slightly with anxiety and concern. AJ sniffed, trying to dry their cheeks and failing, a blush rising under their tears. 

"My h-hair," they whimpered, terrified that he'd laugh at them for being so upset about something that seemed so trivial. "I...it's so ugly a-and I look...I look-"

A sob interrupted them, but Ezra was already pulling them into his arms, hugging them tightly as they pressed into him, another sob bubbling up, then another and another. 

"Oh, sweetheart, I know. I know how much your hair meant to you, I'm so sorry," he murmured as AJ's short nails dug into his back, their sobs making their whole body heave. "You don't look ugly, though, I promise. You look as beautiful as ever, my love." 

"Is everything okay?" 

Anathema's voice made AJ flinch slightly, and they pulled away from Ezra quickly, looking down. 

"Um...yeah, they're upset about their hair," Ezra answered for them, reaching up to cradle one side of their jaw in his hand. Shame and despair washed over AJ all in one go, and they sobbed again softly, tears dripping from their chin. 

"Oh, AJ," Anathema sighed quietly. "I understand, hon. I can't imagine how awful this feels, but I could maybe try to fix it for you? I cut Ezra's hair for him all the time," she suggested quietly, and AJ sniffled, nodding ever so slightly as they tried to choke back the last of their tears. 

"Perfect, I'll go get my stuff, okay? It's going to be alright, hon." 

  
  


About fifteen minutes later, AJ was sitting in the kitchen, a towel around their shoulders, trembling slightly. Anathema was inspecting their wet hair, and the gleam of the silver scissors in her hand was making AJ nervous. 

"You have such beautiful hair," she complimented quietly, gently starting to comb their hair so it was easier to see the length. "And it's gotten so curly now it's short," she added with a smile, and AJ just nodded slightly, swallowing hard. 

"I think I'm going to have to go for a sort of asymmetrical style, but I'll even it up as much as possible so it looks like it was done on purpose and will grow out easier, okay?" 

AJ nodded, taking a deep breath and trying not to jump at the sound of the first snip. 

Ezra stayed for a lot of the haircut, encouraging AJ and keeping them calm until Anathema banished him so the final result was a surprise. By that point, AJ was feeling a lot calmer, so they just waved to him, giggling softly when he blew them a kiss. 

Once Anathema had finished, she blow-dried and styled their hair, joking with them about how pretty they looked and how Ezra was going to be so surprised. AJ still felt a little sick, still missing the feeling of their hair brushing their back, but they managed to smile, forcing it right up until Anathema handed them a mirror. After that, they didn't have to force anything. 

The way Gabriel had cut their hair had left it fairly short on one side, but a little longer in the front and on the other, but Anathema had rounded it all out, cutting it shorter on the short side and back so it looked purposeful, and leaving the other side and the front a little longer in a pretty, feminine style. 

"Oh...it looks perfect," AJ managed, their eyes wide and already wet as they turned their head this way and that, inspecting their new hair. 

"You really have the face to carry off short hair," Anathema smiled, squeezing their shoulder lightly. "Come on, let's go show the others," she grinned, and AJ nodded eagerly, suddenly excited to see Ezra's reaction. 

They followed Anathema into the living room, struggling a bit with the crutches, and smiling to themself as they saw Ezra waiting, his hand over his eyes. 

"You can look now, Ez," Anathema chuckled, and he immediately dropped his hand away from his face, going still as he stared in shock, his blue eyes wide, his mouth open slightly. 

"Holy... _ fuck.  _ You look fantastic," he murmured at last, getting up slowly as AJ blushed, a tear falling down their cheek, rolling across their skin. "It's so beautiful," Ezra breathed, walking towards them and reaching out carefully, cupping their face in his hands. "Look at you, my beautiful little bird." 

AJ sniffed and blinked, sending tears cascading over their cheeks as they giggled softly. "Thank you, I...I really like it," they murmured, and Ezra grinned, pulling them into a tight, careful hug, his fingers spreading on their back. 

"Good. You deserve to feel beautiful," he said softly, and AJ closed their eyes, burying their face in his neck.

After a moment, AJ gently broke away from him and turned to Anathema, even more tears stinging their eyes. "Thank you so much, I really love it, and I feel like me again," they forced out, struggling to keep their voice even as they smiled brokenly. "I've never had such great friends before," they added, their voice cracking at last, and Anathema gently guided them into her arms, squeezing them ever so gently. 

"You'll always be welcome, AJ, you're a part of our little family now, and we'll always take care of you." 

A few minutes, a good amount of tears, and several more hugs and 'thank you's later, AJ was sitting on the edge of Ezra's bed, wiping their sticky cheeks as he removed their boot carefully. 

"This is the best homecoming I could have asked for," they murmured, and Ezra set the boot aside, standing up to change into shorts and flashing them a contented smile. 

"Good," he answered simply. "You deserve it, sweetheart. The last couple months have been awful, but we get to move on now, we get the excitement of building a life together, and this is just the first step." 

AJ grinned to themself happily, slipping their shirt off and tossing it over the edge of the bed before crawling in under the covers. They took the opportunity to have a proper look around Ezra's room, as he drew the curtains and turned the fairy lights on over the bed. 

He'd brought all of their stuff and settled it into his room, a new dresser full of their clothes, their sewing machine sitting on his desk. It really felt like a home for both of them, especially with all of AJ's frilly pillows on the bed, plenty of familiar softness for them to sink into. Then they remembered their drawers of toys and winced at the thought of Ezra discovering them. 

"Ezra?" AJ murmured, watching as he sat down on the bed to remove his prosthesis. 

"Yeah?" He asked, without looking round. 

"Did you...um...move my drawers with the...the toys in?" They said hesitantly, having to force every word. Ezra went still for a moment, then the valve hissed and he slipped his prosthesis off. 

"Yes," he answered quietly, setting his leg aside and pulling the liners from his limb. 

"Oh," AJ sighed, and winced as Ezra turned, crawling into bed beside them and laying down slowly, blue eyes soft as he stroked his fingertips over their cheek. 

"I think we should talk about it sometime and I think we should go through all your stuff and make sure there isn't anything you don't want to keep, but today is about resting, okay? There's no rush to do anything, and I want you to feel happy and relaxed." 

AJ nodded, letting out a slow breath as they smiled slightly. "Kiss me? I...I really missed kissing you, so much.." 

"Mm, me too," Ezra purred, leaning in slowly and hesitating with his lips almost touching theirs. "I love you," he whispered, and brushed his lips against AJ's, soft, gentle. AJ smiled happily, a burst of love and joy making them feel breathless for a moment before they pulled him a little deeper, pouring all their love for him into that one special kiss. 

And then Ezra was breaking away and drawing them into his arms, AJ eagerly burying themself into his soft frame, curling up against him. Desperate to be as close as possible, they tangled their legs with his, nuzzling against the base of his neck as he hugged them tightly, one hand in their hair. 

"I've got you," he murmured softly, his voice a little thick with emotion. "I've got you, my love, my magpie. The first cuddle in two months, hmm?" 

AJ nodded slightly, sniffling as they grabbed at his shirt, pressing into him and closing their eyes against the tears once again threatening to fall. "I missed this so much," they mumbled, their voice hoarse and raw. "I was so scared." 

"Me too. But it's all okay now," Ezra soothed, his fingers curling in their hair. "We can cuddle all we like, and I won't let anyone hurt you ever again."

"I trust you," AJ smiled softly, relaxing at last and humming a low note as Ezra squeezed them briefly. They both settled into comfortable silence, savouring the moment together and just enjoying the knowledge that they didn't have to go anywhere or do anything. 

After a while, Ezra let out a soft sigh and shifted back, smiling at AJ as he stroked their cheek lightly. Sleepy and exhausted, they opened their eyes slowly, blinking at him and letting a smile spread across their face as they came back to full consciousness from their blissful doze. 

"Hey," Ezra chuckled quietly, and they just stared at him, taking in his beautiful blue eyes and his golden hair. "It's getting near to dinner time, you want something to eat?"

"Not really," AJ mumbled, and Ezra sighed, raising an eyebrow. 

"Is that because you're genuinely not hungry or because you don't want to eat?" 

AJ huffed a breath and hid half of their face in the pillow, glaring at Ezra playfully with their exposed eye. "I don't want anything," they pouted, and Ezra rolled his eyes fondly. 

"Not even takeout from that Indian you like?" 

It took AJ a while to contemplate this, their mouth watering a bit at the idea of an aromatic, authentic curry after that horrible hospital food. "Okay. But only veggies," they said quickly, and Ezra chuckled, rolling onto his back to grab his phone from the bedside table. 

"Deal. What do you want, my love?" He smiled, unlocking his phone and opening the delivery app before handing the phone over. 

AJ selected a few things and handed the phone back, snuggling up to Ezra's side contentedly while he picked what he wanted. He wrapped an arm around them absentmindedly, giving a little squeeze as they moved closer, slipping their own arm around his stomach. A minute or two later, he dropped the phone onto his chest and turned his head to smile at AJ. "All ordered," he announced softly. "What else do you want to do tonight? It feels like we should be celebrating." 

"Mmm," AJ hummed thoughtfully, then smiled, reaching up to play with his fluffy hair. "How about we watch a nice movie? I don't really wanna stop cuddling you," they admitted with a smile, and Ezra nodded, rubbing their side lightly. 

"That sounds like a good idea. How are you feeling?" 

"Still a bit weak and tired, but a lot more positive now that I'm here, y'know?" AJ answered happily, leaning over to kiss him lightly. "I'll be okay in like a week, I just need more resting time."

"Well, I have a week before I have to go back to work, so that's perfect," Ezra smiled, brushing their hair away from their face as they settled back. "How about we have a look at movies while we wait for our food?" 

"Okay, angel." 

AJ spent the rest of their evening in Ezra's bed, eating the best meal they'd had in weeks, snuggling up with him contentedly, and watching a fun movie before bed. Eventually, they got ready to sleep and climbed under the covers beside Ezra. He pulled them close and kissed them softly, and they smiled at him lovingly, resting their forehead against his. It was amazing to them that they'd survived Gabriel at all, let alone survived to now be curled up in their boyfriend's bed, getting ready to sleep safe and sound beside him. AJ couldn't stop smiling, even as their eyelids began to get heavy, their body relaxing even more. 

"That's it, magpie. My beautiful little bird. Get some sleep," Ezra mumbled, his own voice clouded with tiredness, his eyes firmly closed. AJ let out a soft breath and gave in, just as Ezra's hands closed around theirs. They drifted off to sleep at the same time, their foreheads resting together, their fingers tangled contentedly.


	46. Chapter Forty Six

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains: very mild sexual content, discussion of disordered eating behaviour, brief police interaction.

The next morning, AJ awoke a little disoriented, but it didn't take them long to figure out where they were, glancing around sleepily. Ezra wasn't in his bed, but they could hear his voice in the kitchen, so they just rolled over, burying their face in the pillow and relaxing. It felt so, so good to be there, home at last, and AJ smiled to themself at the thought. They could get used to this. 

After a few minutes of relaxation, AJ forced themself to sit up, running their fingertips over their bare chest and pulling a face at the feeling of their thick scars under their fingers. They shook their head slightly and grabbed one of Ezra's hoodies, tugging it on hurriedly before reaching for their boot. It took a few moments to get it on correctly, but they were soon grabbing their crutches and making their way into the kitchen. 

Ezra looked up from the stove when they walked in and pulled a face. "Damn, I thought I had more time. I wanted to make you a surprise breakfast," he sighed, and AJ just smiled, ditching the crutches and managing to walk over to him awkwardly, the sleeves of the oversized hoodie dangling past their fingertips. A chuckle came from behind them, but they ignored it, too busy sliding their arms around Ezra's neck. He blushed, but kissed them willingly, his arm wrapping around their waist briefly. AJ pulled away fairly quickly, knowing that they were being watched, and leaned into Ezra's chest, turning their head to look in the direction the laugh had come from. Anathema was sitting at the table, a book open beside her bowl of cereal, which she was apparently very engrossed in. 

"Magpie, I'm loving this cuddle, but I need to flip the pancakes," Ezra chuckled, and AJ let go quickly, feeling a bit embarrassed as they leaned their hip against the counter. 

"Good morning." 

"Hey, good morning," Anathema said brightly, flashing a friendly smile, and AJ smiled back, shoving their hands in the hoodie pocket, which came down to their mid-thigh. "You look really cute this morning." 

"Thanks," AJ mumbled, feeling their cheeks heating up already. "Ezra's clothes are really comfy and easy to put on." 

"Yeah, they look comfy," Anathema nodded, glancing at Ezra, who seemed to be focused on the pancakes. "Are you excited about the party today?" 

AJ blinked and shrugged. "I...I don't really know anything about it." 

"Well, Ezra invited me and Newt - who can't come, unfortunately, because she has exams - Mrs. Tracy, and that other bartender he knows, I forgot his name," Anathema hummed, stirring her cereal absentmindedly. 

"David?" AJ asked, and she nodded. 

"That would be it. Um...Ezra said he'd do whatever food you wanted and we'd all have lunch together and then some cake or something. Just a really nice, calm celebration of you coming home," Anathema went on, her smile soft and caring. 

"Yeah, what would you like, sweetheart?" Ezra smiled, half turning to look at AJ, blue eyes as loving as ever. "I'll go to the shop in a bit and get whatever you want." 

AJ felt their cheeks flush, their lip caught between their teeth as they thought. "Um...I...I don't know," they mumbled, and Ezra nodded, pressing a quick kiss to their forehead. 

"You could come with me," he suggested softly, and AJ relaxed slightly, no longer feeling quite so uncomfortable. At least they didn't have to make an immediate decision. 

"Okay." 

"I can drive you, if you like," Anathema cut in quietly, and Ezra nodded. 

"That would be great, thank you. It'll be much easier than trying to get AJ's massive foot on the bus," he teased, and AJ glared at him, just as he moved the pancakes from the pan and handed the plate to them with a big smile. 

"Here, strawberry pancakes, have some lovely breakfast," Ezra said firmly, and AJ sighed, taking the plate. 

"I'm grateful for you going to the effort to make me breakfast," they answered stiffly, and Ezra just smiled sadly, kissing their cheek. 

"I know you are, sweetheart. You don't have to eat all of it, I promise."

"Thank you."

After breakfast, Anathema took AJ and Ezra to the shop in her car, following them inside to do her own shopping. AJ let Ezra lead them down the aisles, wishing they could hold his hand, but unfortunately having to deal with crutches instead. 

"Come on, there must be stuff you like to eat," Ezra pushed gently, picking up a bag of apples and placing them in the trolley as AJ leaned on their crutches heavily. 

"There is, I just...I worry so much about calories and stuff, and I.." they trailed off and Ezra smiled sadly, abandoning the trolley to pull them into a very quick kiss. 

"Look at me, magpie. You're stunning and you always will be, okay? Your body is special, because it carries around everything else that makes you you. And you'll be back to exercising regularly soon, once that boot comes off. Let yourself start to enjoy food more, it's okay to like eating, it's okay to have sweet stuff every now and then. Now come on, tell me a food you like." 

"That salmon you made before I went to hospital was good," AJ murmured hesitantly, their breathing a little more difficult than usual. They felt a bit panicky, as well as some kind of emotion they weren't quite sure how to name. It wasn't entirely unpleasant, but it was getting rather overwhelming. 

"Good, what else? What kind of food says 'celebration' to you?" Ezra smiled, blue eyes bright and full of happy excitement. AJ sighed. They couldn't disappoint a face like that. 

"I guess when I was growing up, we used to have toad in the hole on special occasions. I've never liked roast dinners much, but I always liked toad in the hole," they mumbled, and Ezra grinned, reaching up to tuck their hair out of their face. 

"I'm really good at making Yorkshire puddings, would you like me to make it for you?" 

AJ blushed, but nodded slightly, managing a small smile. "Sure. Can I pick the sausages? They do these spicy ones I like here." 

"Of course, my love. You can have whatever you want, okay? Now, what kind of cake are we getting?" 

AJ giggled softly, feeling themself start to relax at last as they gave in. They knew Ezra would always win, because deep down, they knew he was right, so it was much more fun to just go along with him and limit themself to small portions. 

With this in mind, they followed Ezra around the rest of the shop, picking out a cake and some dinners for the rest of the week with only minimal prompting from their partner. They didn't particularly enjoy it, but it wasn't as bad as they'd expected, and by the time they met up with Anathema to head home, AJ was feeling much better in themself. Although they were rather exhausted from dragging the heavy plastic boot around. 

Ezra banished them straight to the bedroom as soon as they arrived home, despite their protestations that they could help put the shopping away, so they took their boot and sweatpants off, then hopped over to the mirror, balancing mostly on their good foot while they looked at their reflection critically. 

They'd lost a considerable amount of weight while they were in the hospital, but they were starting to fill out again already. AJ poked at one of their thighs and frowned - they'd lost a lot of muscle definition as well, and they imagined that getting back on the pole as they were would give them serious aches the next day. The door clicked behind them and they heard a quiet sigh. 

"Magpie, come cuddle," Ezra mumbled, walking up behind them and wrapping his arms around their waist. AJ leaned back into him immediately, smiling to themself ever so slightly. With Ezra's reflection joining theirs in the mirror, they suddenly didn't feel so bad about themself. After all, if they were really as ugly as that little voice in their head kept insisting, how would they have managed to snag such a handsome, loving, amazing partner? 

"Look how adorable you are in my clothes," Ezra purred, nuzzling at their jaw, and AJ giggled, twisting in his grip. 

"Hey! That tickles!" They squealed, and he just laughed, squeezing them tighter. 

"Mm, my beauty," he murmured in their ear, and AJ blushed, hugging themself loosely, the baggy sleeves covering their hands. 

"I like your clothes. They smell comforting," they announced quietly, and Ezra suddenly ducked down, scooping them up bridal style. 

"Yeah? Well, now we can start using the same laundry detergent," he pointed out with a grin, and AJ smiled contentedly, burying their face in his chest as he carried them over to the bed. 

"Mmm...Ezra?" 

"I'm still here, sweetheart," he chuckled, just before laying them down on the bed lightly. 

"I'm tired," AJ complained, rolling away from him as he sat down on the edge of the bed. 

"Then take a nap," Ezra suggested, doffing his prosthesis quickly and moving to lay behind AJ, his arm slipping around their slim waist. "You've gotten used to doing pretty much nothing all day, it's okay to get tired while you're adjusting to a faster pace of life again. I'll wake you well before lunchtime." 

AJ stifled a yawn and turned over, cuddling up to Ezra's soft chest and pressing themself into his comforting warmth. "Mm, okay. Love you," they mumbled, and he hummed a soothing note. 

"Love you too," he murmured, his hand sliding into their hair as they settled into the mattress, slowly and easily drifting off to sleep in their partner's protective embrace. 

AJ woke to a hand on their shoulder, shaking them ever so gently. 

"Magpie? Sweetheart, you should get up soon," Ezra murmured, leaning over them as they blinked at the wall sleepily. They grunted acknowledgement and let out a soft sigh, dragging themself over to face him. 

"Hey," Ezra chuckled softly, smiling down at them lovingly and running his fingers through their hair. "You okay? You've been out for a good couple hours." 

"Mm, I feel better for a nap," AJ admitted, sitting up slowly and moving to sit on the edge of the bed. Ezra sank down beside them, wrapping an arm around their waist and humming softly when they let their head fall onto his shoulder. 

"I'm so proud of you," he said quietly, after a brief silence, and AJ smiled to themself, reaching over to take his spare hand. 

"Thank you, I'm proud of you too. I know me being in the hospital was really hard on you in a lot of ways, and I'm so thankful that you stuck around to keep me company," they answered, pushing down the emotion so they didn't get all choked up again. 

"Of course," Ezra mumbled, his voice a little rough in the same way AJ's had been. "I'd do anything for you, sweetheart," he added, then kissed the top of their head and gently shook them off his shoulder. "Come on, let's get you dressed." 

Still a bit sleepy, but smiling to themself, AJ allowed Ezra to help them into some loose sweats and their plastic boot, yawning as he finished fitting the straps and stood up. 

"You look so ready to party," he chuckled, and AJ giggled, rolling their eyes fondly. 

"Whatever. And I can't be bothered to do my makeup, these people have all seen me in hospital," they laughed, and Ezra grinned, helping them to their feet and into a soft kiss. 

"Very true, now come on, I've got to check on lunch."

AJ smiled and nuzzled at his cheek, pressing a soft kiss to his skin before pulling away and just taking his hand, letting him lead them to the kitchen slowly. They were still walking awkwardly thanks to the boot, but they could just about manage without the crutches, at least around the house. 

While Ezra checked on the oven, AJ leaned against the counter, stifling a yawn before getting a glass down from the cupboard and filling it with water. They took a sip, just as Ezra walked back over to them, kissing their cheek and resting his hand against their lower back. 

"Come sit in the living room," he murmured, resting his chin on their shoulder. AJ giggled softly and leaned their head against his, letting out a soft sigh. 

"Mm, okay. I love you." 

"I love you too," Ezra purred, his hand sliding a little lower and giving a gentle squeeze. 

"Hey!" AJ squealed, rolling their eyes and turning to pull him into a brief kiss. "Stop it, naughty!" 

Ezra just smirked, kissing them again lightly. "Yeah? I missed your beautiful butt," he hummed, and AJ giggled, feeling the blush rising to their cheeks. 

"I missed yours too, but maybe we can talk about that more later, in bed," they suggested, and Ezra grinned, nuzzling their jaw lightly before kissing the side of their neck. 

"I can't wait," he murmured in AJ's ear, then pulled away, taking their hand and leading them towards the living room. 

AJ followed slowly, smiling when they saw Mrs. Tracy sitting with Anathema. She got up hurriedly, grinning as she rushed over to hug them, all in a whirl of perfume and soft silks. 

"AJ! Oh, it's so good to see you up and about again!" She exclaimed, and AJ blushed, hugging back tightly. 

"Thank you," they murmured shyly, and Mrs. Tracy pulled away from the hug carefully, reaching up to play with their hair. 

"And your hair! It looks so cute!" She gushed, and AJ giggled, nodding towards Anathema. 

"I owe that to Anathema, she did a great job cutting it for me." 

"She really did, I'll have to get you to do mine sometime, hon," Mrs. Tracy chuckled, directing the second half of her statement to Anathema. "I'm just so pleased to see you looking healthy and happy," she smiled, turning back to AJ and kissing their forehead softly. AJ blushed and thanked her quietly, then glanced around and realised there was only one seat left in the rather tiny living room - the armchair.

"Oh, I'll get another chair," they mumbled, but Ezra was already gently grabbing their waist, chuckling as he towed them towards the armchair. He sat down first and gave a little tug on their hips. 

AJ giggled, blushing bright red now and allowing themself to be pulled down into his lap, biting their lip as he wrapped his arms around them tightly, his chin resting on their shoulder as they slid down in his lap slightly. Mrs. Tracy sat down again and AJ curled up, leaning their head against Ezra's as they tried not to make direct eye contact with either of the women smiling at them from the couch. 

"How are you feeling, AJ?" Mrs. Tracy asked quietly, and AJ lifted their gaze to hers shyly, nodding slightly as Ezra hugged them tighter. 

"Yeah, I'm still really tired, but I'm feeling okay. I'm just going to take a lot of naps for the next couple weeks." 

The buzzer went off suddenly, and AJ jumped, but Anathema was already getting up, flashing them a comforting smile. 

"It's alright, you relax," she murmured, heading down the hallway. Mrs. Tracy got up suddenly, bustling into the kitchen and bringing a chair in while Anathema spoke to someone through the intercom, then buzzed them in. A shiver ran through AJ's body, and Ezra gave a soft chuckle, squeezing their waist gently. 

"You okay?" 

"Mm, just one of those things," AJ answered quietly, then turned in his lap, curling up as best they could with the boot in the way, their side against his chest, their face buried in his hair. Ezra purred and rubbed their side lightly, just as they heard the front door open and David's voice as he chatted to Anathema. 

AJ broke away from Ezra gently, looking up sleepily as David walked into the living room, looking a bit embarrassed, but smiling. 

"Hey, I um, I brought you some flowers," he said nervously, waving the little bouquet as if demonstrating the evidence to back up his claims. "I'd normally bring wine as well, but I know you don't drink or like chocolate that much, so I was a bit stumped," he chuckled, and AJ just smiled, their hand finding one of Ezra's absentmindedly and lacing their fingers together. 

"It's okay, you didn't have to bring anything at all. It's good to see you," AJ said happily, watching as David sat down in the chair Mrs. Tracy had brought in. "I've been told you came a few times while I was out." 

"Yeah, I did, and then I got super busy, I'm really sorry I didn't come see you after you woke up," David explained quickly, his cheeks darkening all over again. "Uh, I've actually found an investor, and we're setting up a new club in a different part of town, he's having me manage it, so it's been a bit nuts." 

AJ grinned, nodded enthusiastically. "That sounds great! Congrats!" 

"Yeah, I'm really excited. I'm going to set it up to be very different, though," he went on, smiling as he got into the explanation. "It's going to be more classy, we won't have private dances, but we will do bookings for parties and functions and stuff. And food, but like, just bar snacks." 

"And everyone is on board?" AJ asked in surprise, and David pulled a face. 

"Well, no, not everyone. Some people have left, but we're keeping on some great performers and some lovely staff. Actually, I was thinking, um.." he glanced at Ezra nervously, then swallowed. "That maybe you would join when you're feeling better," he said slowly, keeping his eyes firmly fixed on AJ's as they felt Ezra tense behind them. "But obviously, I know that's a ways off and there's no pressure," David added hurriedly, spreading his hands in front of him. "I just want you to know that if you want to dance, there's always going to be a place for you, okay? You're the best dancer I've ever seen in this line of work and I really like working with you." 

AJ blushed and gently squeezed Ezra's hand before nodding slightly. "I'll keep it in mind, David, thank you. I'm not sure what I'm going to do yet, but I do like dancing, and it's nice to know I have the option to work for a friend."

"Oh, you wouldn't be working  _ for  _ me," David chuckled, shaking his head quickly. "No, you'd be in charge of all the performers, you'd be working  _ with  _ me keeping the club running smoothly. You've always been great at scheduling and organising people, and frankly, a lot of our dancers could do with some pointers from you. If everything goes right with the business, I'd be able to give you a proper salary as well as money per performance and tips. Anyway, I don't want to go on about it for ages during your party, but just know that I'm here for you for anything you need, okay?" 

"Thank you," AJ murmured, feeling their cheeks flush from all the friendly praise. "It means a lot from you." 

"Of course," David smiled, just as the timer on Ezra's phone went off. 

"That'll be lunch," he announced with a smile, gently patting AJ's sides. "Come on, love, let me get up." 

Lunch was divine. Despite their reservations, AJ ended up having two helpings, which made Ezra practically glow with pride. And they even managed a small slice of the chocolate cake they'd picked out for dessert before curling up on Ezra's lap once more and just chatting with their friends for a while. It didn't take them long to get tired, though, and everyone left fairly soon after lunch. Anathema offered to clean up, and AJ thanked her profusely before Ezra scooped them up and carried them into the bedroom, despite their weak, half-hearted protests. 

As soon as they were laying down comfortably, Ezra beside them, AJ cuddled up to him and wrapped their arm around his waist, pressing a loving kiss to his jaw. 

"Thank you for planning such a lovely party. It was so nice to see all my friends," they murmured, and Ezra nodded, then sighed and began to play with their hair lightly as they buried their face in his chest. 

"You seemed to be considering what David said though," Ezra mumbled slowly, letting out a quiet sigh. "Are you really thinking about going back to dancing?" 

AJ pulled away from him slightly, running their hand up his side and feeling his comforting softness under their fingers. "Mm, maybe. I did like the actual dancing bit," they mused, knowing he was worried about them, but not really understanding why. "So if he's saying I wouldn't have to do those...other bits, then I'd definitely consider it." 

"What about your ideas for sewing and stuff?" Ezra pressed gently, and AJ shrugged, carefully pushing him onto his back so they could snuggle up to him with their head resting on his chest. 

"I'm going to try that first. But I could do both," they pointed out quietly. "I'm not making any decisions yet, I promise, angel. I know I'd be perfectly safe working for David, he's a nice guy, and you know him as well. He's always been sweet and kind and respectful to me, and he's the only person from the club besides you who could be bothered to visit me. There's no need to worry, okay?" 

Ezra sighed and ruffled their hair lightly, his heart beating slow and rhythmic in his chest. "Mm, okay. I'm just...I'm going to be over-protective for a while, I think. I...I still have nightmares sometimes about...about that night, and I just...I  _ hate _ the idea of you getting hurt again, even just a paper cut." 

AJ chuckled softly and nuzzled at the underside of his jaw, already beginning to feel rather sleepy. "I don't think you can stop me from ever getting a paper cut again, I'm afraid. But I know what you mean, and it's very sweet. I'd like to take a nap, though."

"Alright, sweetheart," Ezra answered with a slow breath out. "We have plenty of time to talk about things, anyway. And plenty of time to cuddle," he added with a smile, and AJ giggled, curling themself against him. 

"Mmm, good. I love you." 

"I love you too, my beautiful little magpie," Ezra hummed, and AJ closed their eyes, contented and comfortable all wrapped up in Ezra's affection. 

AJ spent the rest of the day in bed, drifting in and out of sleep and watching tv with Ezra. They felt lazy and happy, floating on a pink fog of comfort and fuzzy joy, with an additional accent of relief. 

The next day, however, Ezra woke them fairly early, insisting that they needed to get into a routine, and informing them that he had a therapy appointment and would have to leave them alone in the flat for a couple of hours. 

AJ dutifully ate the breakfast he made and curled up on the couch to watch TV with him until he had to leave. They gave him plenty of soft kisses as he left, but as soon as he was gone, they were grabbing their phone. 

They'd known for a while that they were going to talk to that new detective and drop the case, but this was their first opportunity to actually do it without Ezra around. He wouldn't be happy about it, AJ knew that, but they also knew Gabriel didn't make empty threats, and they wanted to feel safe more than anything else. Sighing to themself, AJ dialed the number for the police station, staring down at the floor until someone answered. It didn't take long to get through to Sandalphon, although as soon as he answered, AJ's heart was in their throat, choking them. 

"Hello?" 

"Uh...this is AJ Crowley," AJ mumbled, pulling their knees into their chest and hugging them tightly. "I...I want to drop the case." 

"Ah, good decision," Sandalphon answered, his smug voice making AJ shudder with disgust. "You're doing the right thing." 

AJ curled their lip, knowing that was a flagrant lie, but took a slow breath. "Is there anything else I can do to make sure me and my partner remain safe? I...I want to be guaranteed that I'm not going to get hurt." 

"Yes, there is actually," the detective purred, nausea stirring in AJ's stomach. "I'll make a call and have this lawyer person call you back in about ten minutes, okay? Your uh...client gave me specific instructions."

"Okay," AJ muttered, then hung up, dropping their phone into their lap and burying their face in their hands. They knew Ezra would hate this, he would want them to fight and get Gabriel put away, but they knew him far too well. Coming after them hadn't worked, and Gabriel was highly likely to go for another target - Ezra. AJ tried to swallow the lump in their throat, but the thoughts of Ezra in danger were choking them, making them shudder and shake as they hugged themself tightly. They wanted, more than anything, to be wrapped up in Ezra's arms and kissed over and over, and they focused on that thought, letting themself drift into a daydream. Unfortunately, their ringtone cut through it only moments later, and AJ sighed, answering it immediately. 

"Hello?" 

"Hello, AJ. I'm Mr. Engels' associate, would you be able to meet today? He's prepared some papers for me to give to you. If you sign them, you'll be left alone completely, you and your partner, and you'll get a big cheque to get on with your life." 

AJ swallowed, then nodded slightly. "I um...I don't have long, my partner is out for about an hour and a half, so it'll have to be quick. But I can meet you at the park on Alexandria and Joyce." 

"Perfect. I can be there in fifteen minutes, it's only one quick signature, so it won't take up much of your time."

"Okay. Fifteen minutes, thank you," AJ mumbled, hanging up and taking a deep breath. Then they unfolded slowly, walking into Ezra's room. They slipped on one of his hoodies to feel a little more covered up, then dug through one of their bags and found a little can of pepper spray. Once this was securely in their pocket, they grabbed their crutches and Ezra's spare key, then headed out of the flat, still feeling nauseous and full of nerves. 

The park itself was tiny, home to a few trees, two benches, and a tiny patch of green, but it was easy to get to from Ezra's, and one of the benches was free. AJ sank down onto it gratefully and looked across the park to the other bench. An old woman was sitting feeding the pigeons, and a young-ish looking man with a toddler was sitting on a blanket about ten metres away. Witnesses, at the very least. 

AJ let out a soft sigh, leaning back into the bench and trying to shove down the feeling that they were about to be sick. 

A big black SUV pulled up down the road and they swallowed hard, curling their fingers around the can in their pocket. The door opened and a short, thin man stepped out, a briefcase under one arm. He looked around, then hurried across the road and towards AJ, his short black hair apparently glued to his head and unmoving in the wind. Trying to seem nonchalant, he sat down on the bench next to AJ and glanced around again before offering them his hand. 

"AJ? I'm Mr. Karim, I'm Mr. Engels' lawyer. I'm here to have you sign a non-disclosure agreement." 

AJ nodded, then slipped their phone out of their pocket. "Just a moment, I need to answer this text from my boyfriend or he'll worry," they smiled, and the lawyer flashed an oily smile that was gone in an instant. AJ opened a recording app and pressed the record button, then pretended to type a text and locked their phone, setting it down on their leg. "Sorry about that." 

"It's no problem. Now, I have a copy of the NDA here, go ahead and take a look through it," he said, opening the briefcase and slipping out a clipboard. AJ took it carefully and began to read, their heart racing. 

If they signed, they wouldn't be able to discuss to anyone their relationship with Gabriel at all, from when they were a child up until the murder attempt. There was a lot of legal jargon and specifics, but the real kicker was that, if they broke the NDA, they would be liable for damages and legal charges amounting to over one and a half million pounds. AJ's eyes widened and they kept reading, their heart in their mouth as they saw the last little bit - their 'settlement' for signing. One hundred and fifty thousand. Just a tenth of the amount they'd have to pay if they broke it. 

Immediately, AJ handed the clipboard back to the lawyer, shaking their head. 

"I'm not signing that. Michael got paid a hundred grand to let me get murdered, I want double that. And I want a promise that Gabriel hasn't and won't harass anyone else the same way he has with me." 

Mr. Karim blinked in shock, then nodded slightly, getting up and slipping his phone from his pocket. "Let me go and make a call, I'll be right back."

AJ nodded and watched him go, glancing around nervously every now and then in case anyone was trying to sneak up on them. They kept their hand in their pocket, fingers tightly wrapped around the little can, jumping slightly when they saw Mr. Karim hang up the phone and walk back towards them. 

He sat down and nodded to them, his hands folded in his lap awkwardly. "I've spoken to Mr. Engels, and he agrees to the sum of two hundred thousand, paid in full in cash, and the assurance that you are his sole.." 

"Victim," AJ said sharply, filling the man's nervous pause and making him wince. 

"Another car will come by in a few minutes and drop off the paperwork and cash. I will wait with you." 

AJ nodded, then looked away, their hand still holding the comforting weight of the pepper spray. They weren't sure it would stop anyone actually taking them, not with Gabriel's resources, but the park, although not busy, was certainly public enough that if they kicked up a big fuss, someone was likely to try to help them. And pepper spray would at least give them time to think. 

The sound of a car horn made them jump and Mr. Karim got up quickly. AJ waited patiently, not looking behind them, just staring down at their lap. It didn't take long for the lawyer to return, carrying a thick paper envelope and a fresh clipboard. He handed the clipboard to AJ and they read carefully once more, then took the pen they were offered. 

Still feeling as if they might be sick any moment, AJ signed shakily with the pen the lawyer gave them, and held the clipboard out. Mr. Karim took it, then handed over the envelope and waited while AJ opened it and inspected the contents. 

"It was a pleasure being able to reach an agreement with you," Mr. Karim said politely, getting up and picking up his briefcase. He adjusted his suit carefully, then nodded to AJ and headed back to his car. 

Still a bit shocked and shaken, AJ sat for a while, feeling the sun on their face and just staring at nothing. Eventually, they got up slowly and, after a brief struggle with their crutches, began the short, but labour-intensive journey home. 

As soon as the flat door closed behind them, AJ felt the guilt start to settle in. They ditched their crutches and headed into the bedroom, quickly glancing around before opening the bottom drawer of their dresser, knowing it was full of winter clothes they were unlikely to need for a few months. They dug around to the bottom of the drawer and slipped the envelope inside one of their thick sweaters, shoved the drawer closed, and sat down on the floor heavily, their back against the dresser. AJ dropped their face into their hands, drawing their knees up to their chest and squeezing their eyes shut. 

It was a good decision, they knew that. They'd be able to save the money, keep it so they could pay rent while they couldn't work, and they had a guarantee that Gabriel wouldn't go after either them or Ezra. They'd be able to be safe and happy and have a real life for the first time in their entire existence. 

And yet, they felt  _ awful.  _

Their phone rang suddenly, making them jump, and they snatched it up shakily, wiping their eyes hurriedly as they hit the answer button. 

"Hello?" 

"Hey, sweetheart," Ezra hummed, and AJ let their head tip back against the drawers, a sigh escaping their lips as they tried to relax. "I'm on the bus home, I was wondering if you needed me to pick anything up on the way home. I was thinking maybe we could try having a bath tonight, as long as you keep your ankle out of the water, it should be fine." 

AJ sniffed and nodded slightly. "Okay, I'd um...I'd like that." 

"Are you okay? You sound upset?" 

"Mm, I just woke up, that's all," AJ mumbled, dragging a hand down their face. "A bath would be good, I don't need anything else, though." 

"Alright, my love. I'll be home in about ten minutes, okay? We can have a nice cuddle." 

"Okay. Love you," AJ answered softly, and Ezra hummed quietly. 

"Yeah, I love you too, magpie. Bye." 

"Bye," AJ sighed, then hung up and dropped their phone onto the floor, staring at it for a few moments as they contemplated what would happen if Ezra found out about the NDA. They knew he'd be disappointed, possibly upset, maybe even angry. The thought wasn't helping their guilt, but they tried to push it aside, taking a deep breath and dragging themself to their feet. They'd just have to make sure he didn't find out, and the first step was calming themself down. 

AJ wandered into the kitchen and drank a glass of water, then leaned back against the counter and began to make lists in their mind. Of countries, capitals, American states, animals, whatever they could think of to keep their mind off things until- 

The front door clicked. 

"Magpie? Where are you, sweetheart?" 

"Kitchen," AJ called, forcing themself to think about how happy they were to be with him instead of their guilt. A moment later, Ezra appeared in the doorway and walked over to them, his hand sliding over their cheek as he pulled them into a brief kiss. As soon as their lips touched, AJ relaxed, smiling softly as Ezra broke away, and allowing themself to be guided into a loving hug. 

"Hey. Missed you," they mumbled, burying their face in his neck, and Ezra let out a soft sigh, one hand cradling the back of their head, his other arm wrapped around them tightly. 

"I missed you too, my love."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone!   
> I just want to take a minute to say thank you to everyone who's stuck with this story and followed along while I was writing! Especially those of you who commented, you've been amazing and so encouraging, it's difficult to put into words how thankful I am. And I'm so excited to continue this story with you all in Aderyn!   
> I do apologise for the slightly bittersweet ending, but I promise Aderyn has plenty of fluff to come, and it will also be a bit more explicit, so there's that to look forward to as well!   
> Anyway, thanks again, and I hope you all are doing well and staying safe! <3<3<3


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